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December 23, 2016

Flashpoint — Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 9:31 pm

Dave had a multimillion dollar contract for a very rare biotech machine that was one of a kind. He was to meet the buyer in a high rise downtown. But, Dave was taken hostage in the lobby 10 minutes before the signing. The subject (Tom) needed the machine to save his brother who was dying of a rare disease.

TOM: (Pointing gun) Drop the briefcase and come with me.

DAVE: I can’t, this is a very important contract.

TOM: I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.

SECURITY: Help, 911, there’s a man with a gun. Send a strategic response team immediately!

TOM: Drop your cell phone and slide it over to me. Now, Dave, I need that machine you’re selling for my sick brother. I have no choice. I have to do this. Let’s go upstairs to where the buyer is waiting.

.

You might also like:

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17017

Shark Tank: 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

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(The two of them go upstairs)

NOTARY: Hi, I’m the Notary, and by the way, did you find me on 123notary.com?

TOM: I wasn’t the one who made the call.

DAVE: Yes you were.

NOTARY: Oh great, can you write a review for me on my listing.

TOM: This is not the time to be talking about reviews (waving gun around.)

NOTARY: Oh, did you want me to notarize your gun?

TOM: NO. I want the biotech machine to save my dying brother.

(ring ring)

TOM: Don’t answer that. I’ll get this.

GREG: Hi, this is Sargeant Greg Parker from the strategic response unit. I understand you have a hostage up there.

TOM: Yes Greg, we do.

GREG: That was a smart thing to do, taking a hostage. That really changes the game.

TOM: What are you, a professional negotiator?

GREG: Yes Tom, that is what I am. I’m here to try to work out your situation. Would you mind telling me your name?

TOM: Um, I can’t. I didn’t want to do this. I just need the machine to save my dying brother. I’ve never done anything like this (waving gun) Stand back!

GREG: Is the machine in the building where you are?

TOM: They won’t tell me where it is. And even if I have it, I don’t know how it works.

GREG: Sounds like one of the guns our team uses that’s in storage. I don’t know where it is, or how it works. If I press the wrong button, only God knows what will happen.

TOM: What?

(crash — Jules rams the door and barges into the room)

JULES: Put your weapons down!!!!

ED: Put your weapons down…

JULES: There’s only one weapon, so let’s use the singular.

ED: Copy that!!! Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to put your gun down.

NOTARY: I have a seal, should I drop my seal? I think of it as kind of a weapon.

ED: Yes, put the seal on the table.

GREG: Do you have the solution?

ED: I have the solution, and Jules has eyes on the subject although he’s nothing much to look at.

JULES: Hey, I like him. It’s just that I’m (oops) not allowed to talk about them… Sam… since that’s a conflict of interest.

GREG: I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear that so I don’t get fired. Now, put down the weapon so that we can talk this over.

TOM: I need that machine.

GREG: That’s not going to happen. We can’t give you that machine. But, if you don’t put your gun down, we’ll have to use lethal force against you. Do you understand that? They your brother will die and so will you.

TOM: No, I won’t!!!

GREG: Okay…. Scorpio

(blast)

GREG: What was that?

ED: It seems to be a gas explosion in another part of the building.

TOM: Okay, I’ll put my gun down. I don’t want to die.

JULES: You came inches from it.

DAVE: You know what, I can let your brother use my machine. But, only under my supervision.

TOM: You will? Gee thanks!

ED: And you can see the whole thing from a monitor — in jail. Put your hands in the air. You have the right to remain silent.

NOTARY: I can give him an Oath of silence. That’s one of my duties as a Notary Public.

Ed: That won’t be necessary.

NOTARY: I also do weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

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August 19, 2016

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career

The Opposite (How George Costanza changed his life and notary career.)

Speaking of the opposite, Seinfeld’s George changed his life and career around in the much remembered and loved episode, “The Opposite,” by doing just that: The opposite. If you don’t want to be unemployed and living with your parents, you need to start really nailing your notary and signing agent knowledge, not to mention your communication and following direction skills. Do you follow me?

George Costanza, the notary, is doing everything wrong.

GEORGE: It’s not working, Jerry.

JERRY: What’s not working?

GEORGE: I’m trying to charge too much, and settling for too little! I’ve been advertising on one of those other notary sites that do nothing to move my business forward. I haven’t been studying enough for my certification test. I haven’t even cracked a book.

JERRY: I’d be more impressed if you read one. So here’s your chance to do the opposite. If you work harder, get more experience, you’ll be able to charge what you’re worth! And advertise on 123notary.com.

GEORGE: And the heck with my paid listing with Notary Rotary and a free listing with no certification on 123notary.com. I’m gonna do the opposite!

JERRY: If you aren’t certified, do the opposite. Go to elite certification!

GEORGE: Does being a certified lunatic count?

JERRY: Nope. The opposite.

GEORGE: I will do the opposite! I’ll know my terminology. I’ll have more buzzwords than a beekeeper. I’ll know my documents.

JERRY: Other than the pages that say “this space intentionally left blank”?

GEORGE: If it was really intentionally left blank, they wouldn’t fill it up with words that say “this space intentionally left blank.”

JERRY: Good point.

GEORGE: Look at me, Jerry. You’re telling me I made a good point! It’s already working! I’ll finally know what I’m doing and won’t just wing it!

JERRY: Good! Not knowing what you’re doing and just winging it never got anybody anywhere. Unless you’re Donald Trump or work for Wingstop.

George should go from not reading any notary materials to reading all of them. Even change the people he’s dating. From dating no-notaries (who, after he broke up with them, swore but never under oath) to dating notaries! As for the former, they were office shredders. The opposite of those who keep records! At least he’s dating the opposite sex. So he’s on the right track, unless you prefer the opposite of the opposite, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Instead of certifying a copy of a vital record, George does the opposite and obtains it from the agency that holds the original vital record. Instead of not getting paid for travel time, George does the opposite… and doesn’t get paid for sitting on his ass. Meaning if you want to get paid, don’t sit on yours! Are you not done reading this? Do the opposite!

You might also like:

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15132

Seinfeld: George needs a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14947

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April 15, 2016

David Schwimmer on The Apprentice

Filed under: Popular on Facebook (A little),Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:07 am

A team of apprentices was hired to assist David Schwimmer with marketing his Notary business. (No actual celebrities were harmed in the making of this blog.) David started his Notary business a year ago if you can call such inactivity a business.

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve assembled two groups of very competent people. Nowhere near as competent as me, but you knew that. And if you didn’t know that, you should be fired. Both groups will be responsible for marketing David’s Notary business. The way you market this business is up to you. And may the best way win!

(At this point the two teams go off into their private quarters and strategize. They will be back with a finished plan in an hour.)

JACK FROM TEAM 1: Our team decided to help David grow his Notary business by utilizing the omnipotent power of the web. We created a budget that would allow David to create his own website as well as advertise on the NNA’s Signing Agent directory as well as Notary Cafe which is another popular directory. Our total budget is estimated to be $10,000 to create, maintain and market this website for the first year, and that budget includes the fees for the other directories mentioned.

DONALD TRUMP: Jack, I am thrilled that you’ve figured out how to use the power of the web. My 2 year-old nephew has figured out the power of the web. What I want to know is – can you use it efficiently and effectively? And by the way, those are two different things, just like human hair and my hair are two different things. And secondly, having a website is a huge drain of money and time, and after all of the time you put into it, there’s no guarantee that even one person will ever see it. Your resources could be better spent on other avenues that have already been established. And by the way, I’m talking avenues that don’t even have buildings with my name on them.

You need to use established avenues. But without using them in the proper way, you’ll be ignored more than anybody alive I will ever run against. Advertising on a website makes you visible, but focusing on creating the perfect presentation on your listing will get you seen and get you phone calls. What I want to know is – how do you plan on dressing up your listings, so you don’t waste your time, or mine, and mine is worth a helluva lot more than yours by the way.

Last but not least, you’re not advertising on 123Notary.com, the worlds’ best notary site ever. And I’m talking EVER.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Our team decided to go for a more grass roots approach to marketing Dave’s business. Rather than utilizing the power of the web, we thought it would be more effective to take a personal approach to marketing by getting to know the Attorneys in our area, and using the 123notary.com list of best signing companies to prospect for work. Our plan requires a budget of only $1000 for marketing labor and to get David’s business booming. Additionally, Attorneys pay Notaries a lot more than most other clients and have many uses for Notaries including jail visits, Power of Attorney signings, Living Wills, and more.

DONALD TRUMP: That’s a good thing that you’re not wasting money on your plan. I like that! I also like the fact that you’re helping David get more buck for the bang by getting him some premium clients. However, you’ve missed some very obvious channels to market David’s business. Advertising on web directories is relatively inexpensive, and it takes only minutes to set up a profile that could be seen by thousands of key industry players. Additionally, I like your plan to contact hundreds of signing companies screened by 123notary.com. That is a solid plan. However, did it occur to you also to contact all of the local title companies within 90 minutes of your home location? They need local Notaries, and they would be very likely to hire David. Last, but not least, you forgot to advertise on 123notary.com. There is no other web directory as effective for bringing in high paying title companies than 123notary.com. Hello?? It’s 123. Even my 2 year-old nephew can count to 123.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: I forgot. I’ll never forget anything again, I promise.

DONALD TRUMP: You’re fired.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Why?

DONALD TRUMP: I can’t stand liars.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Nice hair.

DONALD TRUMP: In this case, I’ll make an exception.

.

You might also like:

Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=friends

The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

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March 18, 2016

Shark Tank — 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares!

123, IT’S SHARK TANK!

First into the tank is the inventor of a directory that will help notaries vastly improve their business.

JB: Hi, Sharks. My name is Jeremy Belmont. And I’m seeking an investment of $500,000 for 10% of my company, 123Notary.com. How many times have you needed a Notary public, and thought “Damn. Where can I find me a decent Notary Public?” Sharks, your searches are over. With 123Notary.com, we get the most serious customers, because we have the best quality notaries. We get 170,000 visits per month. That’s 170,000 more visits per month than Mr. Wonderful makes to the barber.

MR. WONDERFUL: I’d much rather see my money grow than hair.

ROBERT: So walk me through the business model, Jeremy.

JB: We use a lot of social media and search engines to gather up steam, to get good traffic, and we also keep the site well organized. Make sure people have good notary public note sections, reviews. We spend a lot of time making sure people improve their knowledge and pass their certification.

BARBARA: How is that different from other sites?

JB: They don’t put as much attention into the marketing and organization as we do.

LAURIE: Tell us a little about you. How did you get into this line of work?

JB: I started out by being a notary public.

MARK: Good for you, man.

JB: Starting from the ground up is okay as long as you don’t get ground up.

BARBARA: I get a good feeling from you, Jeremy, and I’m going to make you an offer. But I need a little more skin in the game.

MR. WONDERFUL: Hopefully not the skin around your neck.

BARBARA: I wasn’t talking to you, skinhead. I’ll offer you $500,000 for 20% of the company.

MR. WONDERFUL: Ouch. She just cut the value of your company in half.

JB: I appreciate your offer, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to respect the other sharks and hear if anyone else has an offer.

MARK: I like what you’re doing. I like that you started from the ground up. As you know, I own the Dallas Mavericks. And every time they swear to me they won’t blow a shot, I’d like them to swear in front of one of your top-notch notaries, so I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in with Barbara if she’ll have me.

BARBARA: I’ll have you, Mark.

MR. WONDERFUL: Gross.

MARK: 500 K, 20%. But you get two sharks. Ten percent each.

JB: Would you be willing to split the difference at 15%?

ROBERT: I’ll take that deal.

JB: Would you agree to take that deal by signing this paper I have one of our top notaries witness?

ROBERT: I’m out.

LAURIE: You never told us. Why do you need the money?

JB: I want to buy an office.

MR. WONDERFUL: Where are you working now, out of your car?

JB: No, I’m working at home. I want to get an office, so I can have my staff all under one roof. It’s hard to stay unified when you’re all working in separate places.

MR. WONDERFUL: You live in your car?

BARBARA: You’re so mean.

JB: I don’t want to rent an office, because I don’t like the fact you can’t open the windows. I want to be able to customize it to my own needs, which includes having windows that actually open. I have a hard time working without oxygen.

MR. WONDERFUL: That makes you an “airhead” for the right reasons. I’m fine with that. Well, Jeremy, I’ll make you an offer. I don’t want any equity. Zero. Zip.

MARK: Here it comes.

MR. WONDERFUL: I want a 2% royalty for every signing you make. And after I make six times my investment back – Poof. I’m gone.

JEREMY: Darn. You’re still here.

LAURIE/BARBARA/MARK: For that putdown alone, we’ll match your offer.

JEREMY: I’m about to say yes in… 1…2…3!

.

You might also like:

A string of all our Shark Tank Posts
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

A Notary enters the Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14088

Apps that Notaries have never heard of that could change your life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16311

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February 26, 2016

November 27, 2015

Cheers: Frazier & Dianne Get a Notarized Love Letter

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:17 am

Frazier & Dianne need to rewrite a letter and get it notarized to make sure their love is legitimate. Frazier suspects that Dianne still has feelings for Sam.

FRAZIER: Dianne, I’ve been thinking. I know we love each other, but I want to make it more official.

DIANNE: How can love be official? Isn’t love just a feeling? A lasting feeling that can endure the worst setback and torment and tribulation.

CARLA: Oh, give it a break! You go over one too many bumps in the road and anyone’s love will break. It’s just human nature.

SAM: I think love can last, if you give it a chance, and are committed.

NORM: That’s not what happened with any of your relationships Sam.

SAM: Well, I tried, okay?

WOODY: I think that’s nice that Frazier and Dianne want to get a notarized statement about their love. I think that shows that they take it real seriously.

CLIFF: They can give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen? Besides, Dianne falling in love with the Notary. Like that’s gonna happen. Did you see the last Notary who came in here?

DIANNE: Enough Cliff. The Notary who came last time was very nice… especially after he had his beer — well, during the beer he was nice too.

FRAZIER: So, are we going to do it? I can write something up. Or better, we can write it together. Isn’t that how it should be?

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

CARLA: If you want to know if your love is really legitimate, install a hidden camera in Frazier’s house. You’ll see what’s legitimate then.

NORM: So, Frazier, speaking of legitimate, have you ever had any accidental children with anyone you were dating?

FRAZIER: I find your question highly inappropriate actually.

CLIFF: I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a bad way.

DIANNE: Okay, I’m thinking. You don’t suspect that I still have feelings for Sam, do you?

FRAZIER: Well, the thought did cross my mind.

DIANNE: Oh, how can you even think that?

FRAZIER: Well, when you’ve been with someone that long, even after it’s over, there are always lingering feelings. Plus, I notice the way you sometimes look at him.

CLIFF: Yeah, I notice that too. She has that… je ne sais quoi when she looks at him.

FRAZIER: So, it’s been determined that I’m not the only one who has noticed this, or who suspects the same.

DIANNE: I’m over him. I know that my relationship with Sam couldn’t last. We’re just too different. Sure, occassionally, some latent feelings will bubble up, but intellectually I know that it wasn’t meant to be.

FRAZIER: Ah-ha, I knew I was right.

CARLA: You don’t need a PhD to figure that one out Einstein.

FRAZIER: So, can you verify what you said in writing, so we can have it notarized?

DIANNE: Yes… I mean I think I can… I can. I will.

(a few days later)

NOTARY: Yeah, I’ll have another Sam Adams. But, keep it cold for me while I do this Notary job. What is this, a vow renewal?

FRAZIER: Of a sort. We’re not married you see. We’re just madly in love with each other.

NOTARY: Got it. Well, I just need to check the signer’s ID. And I’ll take a thumbprint just to be sure that the signer isn’t an imposter. Would you like me to use my embosser as a secondary notary seal? It leaves a raised impression and looks very thorough and professional.

DIANNE: Yes, we’d like that.

FRAZIER: Does this mean you will have to hold her hand while thumbprinting her? I can’t bear the thought.

NOTARY: You can do it. Just don’t make too much of a mess. I’ll train you. Just hold her thumb like this, and press straight down like this. Let’s practice on a napkin… no not that one. A clean napkin.

FRAZIER: I feel it is more romantic this way. My love for thee. I hereby take thy hand as my thumbprint-worthy object of affection and everlasting love for the purpose of thumbprinting.

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

(Frazier depresses Dianne’s thumb in the ink pad and then down in the journal’s section for the thumbprint. Then she hugs him)

FRAZIER: I’m sorry to interrupt our love, but you didn’t happen to wipe your thumb clean of the ink, now did you?

NOTARY: Not to worry, It is an inkless thumbprint pad from the NNA. No ink — no mess.

FRAZIER: Brilliant. So, my $700 jacket is saved… and so is my love! Where do I sign?

NOTARY: I just need Dianne to sign, and then I need to write down the particulars in her ID.

CARLA: Don’t you still have her ID information from the last time you came. Remember, when we found out how old she really is?

NOTARY: Well, I like to get a fresh look at the ID every time.

DIANNE: Please don’t remind me of that time.

FRAZIER: Age my dear is just a number. And so long as that number is 21 or older you have permission to have a drink. Shall we toast?

.

You might also like:

David Schwimmer on The Apprentice
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16024

Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=friends

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October 30, 2015

Compilation of Notary Sit-Com Episodes!

Filed under: Popular on Facebook (A little),Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:32 am

123notary has been writing sit-com episodes for over a year now. It is time that we put them all in one compilation so you can see them all at once! Many of these links are strings to multiple episodes from over the last two years. Here they are!

Shark Tank
“Good Sign” seeks an investment of 2 million dollars!
Good Sign will reward Notaries by not forcing them to do fax-backs once they have proven a reliable track record for accuracy!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

Friends
Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
She’s trying to break up with him, but he always thinks she’s kidding.
So, she needs to get a notarized statement to prove she means it!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=friends

Two and a Half Men
(1) Learning the ropes. Charlie goes to a hot Notary who goes easy on him.
(2) Impaired Judgment. Charlie finds it therapeutic to notarize documents and brings a bottle of vodka for the signers!
(3) Charlie learns the fine art of deterring Notary fraud.
(4) Charlie’s mom needs a Power of Attorney for property management
(5) The intercontinental notary seal
(6) A notary experience
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=twoandahalfmen

Cheers
Sammy gets a name change notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=cheers

Noternity Court
Your honor, it was 20 years ago. I can’t possibly remember if I notarized that document…
You are…. the Notary!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=noternity-court

Family Guy
Peter joins ISIS by mistake & needs a notarized conversion
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=family-guy

The Middle
Sue calls the Notary about an Occupancy Affidavit
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=the-middle

Good Times
JJ draws a Notary Seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=good-times

Seinfeld
(1) George’s parents get a vow renewal
(2) The List. Kramer has to get his hands on the list of signing companies.
(3) George Needs a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=seinfeld

Notarization on the Steve Harvey Show
Carol meets someone who notarized her 20 years ago and they fall in love!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=steve-harvey

Taxi
Reverend Jim becomes a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=taxi

Modern Family
An Affidavit of Citizenship & Affidavit of Domicile
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=modernfamily

Leave it to Beaver
Notarized parental consent form
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13180

I love Lucy
The Power of Attorney
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10382

All in the Family
Archie needs his drug test notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=allinthefamily

The Big Bang Theory
Feeling in control Notarizing
Raj wants to take Notary lessons. Sheldon wants to know if being notarized can make them sexy…
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=big-bang-theory

.

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October 9, 2015

The Big Bang Theory: Feeling in control Notarizing

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:16 am

RAJ: You know. That entire notary experience was exhilerating.

LEON: I could go either way on that one.

PENNY: I liked it.

SHELDON: I don’t care how it makes me feel. But, can it make us sexy?

LEON: I guess it could. I would feel more in “control” if I could manipulate an inked seal type object with ease.

RAJ: Yes, that is the height of manliness. I agree. We should do this.

SHELDON: Do what?

RAJ: We should take notary lessons. I’m so awkward. We all are. But, who will teach us?

SHELDON: I know… Dora. Have you ever met Dora?

RAJ: I can’t remember

SHELDON: If you can’t remember, you’ve never met Dora. If you meet her once, you’ll never forget.

(Dora comes to teach them about notarization. She is tall, smooth, sexy, and has long flowing hair and very high heels)

RAJ: Hi D.d.d.d.dora!

DORA: Hi, what was your name again?

RAJ: You can call me Roger… or Raj, whiever you can pronounce. Not that you couldn’t pronounce either one, but if you prefer one over the other, you know you can…

DORA: I get the picture. I’ll stick to Raj. It has a sort of a ring to it.

SHELDON: Hi, Dora. We were wondering if becoming notaries, or learning about it would make us smoother around women? As you can see, we are a little bit awkward.

DORA: It couldn’t hurt. Personally, I feel that getting out of this cramped lab, and mingling with the world around you might be a better idea. But, as you wish.

LEON: So, what do we do first? Do you ID us?

DORA: Yes, but I was more interested in showing you how to use my stamp. That’s illegal of course, but not if we cross out the impression afterwards.

SHELDON: Oh, I’m very good at crossing things out. I made a career of that in high school.

DORA: Okay, now grab that seal like you mean it.

LEON: Uh, okay.

DORA: Now press down with it…. no.. not that hard. Do it with confidence. Just the right amount of pressure. Oh my God that looks Terr…iffic! It’s okay to smudge. It doesn’t detract from the meaning of the stamp (pause) so, long as the county recorder never sees it. Now, give me your thumb Sheldon.

SHELDON: What are you going to do with my thumb?

DORA: You’ll see. That’s good. Your thumb isn’t shaking like I thought it would (Sheldon’s entire body is shaking)

SHELDON: Will you give it back when you are done?

DORA: I’m going to ink you up

SHELDON: Oh, that sounds exciting. Ouch. What was that for?

DORA: I just affixed your thumb’s impression to a journal entry.

SHELDON: Oh. Very interesting. You can compare that to police records. Detectives do that a lot.

DORA: Somehow I don’t think that the police will have any records on you. Just a hunch.

LEON: You don’t know him too well. He has a record.

DORA: For unpaid parking tickets or something more serious like a broken tail-light

LEON: Should I tell her about the time that you failed to report a stolen electron?

DORA: Stolen electrons? Wow, you guys are regular felons! Now Leon, come over here, and we are going to fill out this Jurat wording.

LEON: Here.

DORA: No, a little closer… Now, what’s today’s date?

LEON: A date?

DORA: Today’s date.

LEON: January

DORA: It’s Feburary. Where have you been for the last week.

LEON: In this lab, honestly.

DORA: Okay, look on your i-phone.

LEON: (bashfully takes i-phone out of his pocket) It’s February 13th

DORA: You just put that date, right in here.

(30 minutes later)

DORA: I don’t think this notary stuff is going to make you smoother with women. But, I know a good therapist named Venus. Maybe she can help you.

SHELDON: With a name like Venus, how can we go wrong? How did you know we like people named after astronomical objects?

DORA: Just a hunch! See you guys!

.

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August 28, 2015

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal

Frank & Estelle: George’s parents get a notarized vow renewal.

FRANK: It says here that a Notary can perform a Wedding and that such a Notary licensed to do such an act is referred to as a Wedding Officient.

ESTELLE: Read the fine print where it says that Notary’s can only perform such act in Maine, South Carolina and Florida.

GEORGE: Don’t you guys have a condo you can stay at down in Florida? You could have it done there.

FRANK: We’re not going all the way down to Florida now. We are just getting a vow renewal notarized. Anyone can do that. It is just a glorified Oath.

GEORGE: What’s the point? You’re happily married. You nag each other about everything. What could be better? I would say, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?

ESTELLE: It’s for sentimental reasons. We can get all dressed up in our wedding outfits, appear before a Notary, and state our vows again. How romantic.

GEORGE: (mumbling something) Sounds… great… I guess.

(back in the city)

KRAMER: You’re never going to believe this. I’m getting a second job as a riding instructor! It’s a great way to meet women. I never knew how much women loved horses until I went to this ranch. Gidde up!

GEORGE: Second job? What’s your first job? Since when do you work?

KRAMER: I’m a pastry taster. I’m a trained connoisseur. They call me the sommelier of pastry in the Village.

JERRY: (Rolling his eyes around.) Well, if they pay you… So, George, what’s new with you?

GEORGE: My parents.

JERRY: Oh… (unenthusiastically) What about them?

GEORGE: They’re getting this vow renewal thing done. I don’t really understand what it’s about. I referred them to this guy I know who is a Notary who can do the job.

KRAMER: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’d like to have that done too — if I were married. I’d do it every year!

JERRY: I don’t understand what the big deal is about. But, if they want it, they want it.

(back in the parent’s home)

NOTARY: May I see the document and your ID please?

FRANK: We don’t have a document.

NOTARY: You dragged me all the way out here without a document?

GEORGE: The document dad, you’ve gotta have a document. You told me you would write one up.

ESTELLE: Well, we didn’t think over what we were going to say. We were spending too much time on our outfits. How do we look? Does this dress make me look fat?

GEORGE: No, not a bit mom.

NOTARY: Well, you’ve gotta have a document, or at least some wording that I can perform an Oath on.

FRANK: You mean we invited twelve of our closest friends, spent 98 dollars and 12 cents on hors d’ouvres, and we can’t get notarized without a document?

GEORGE: You gotta have a document. And preferably current identification too.

ESTELLE: I don’t need identification. I don’t drive.

NOTARY: This is going to be a long day. I charge a travel fee plus waiting time you know.

FRANK: And we owe him this too. We — are unprepared!

ESTELLE: I guess your training in the army has worn off.

FRANK: You can say that again!

GEORGE: Well, why don’t we just write a little something up now. Do you have any paper?

FRANK: I have this expensive party napkin your mother forced me to buy at the party store. Each one cost 77 cents if I calculate correctly.

GEORGE: Well, then it will be a very expensive Oath. Better yet, let me call Kramer… (ring ring)

KRAMER: You need a wedding vow renewal Oath? Just look one up on Google. They have tons of them there. Whoa horsy.

GEORGE: You’re talking on the phone while you’re riding?

KRAMER: There’s no law against it. You should just avoid texting while galloping. They have a thing about that over here on the ranch.

GEORGE: You just be careful. And could you bring us over some leftover pastries while you’re at your 1st job?

KRAMER: You got it.

FRANK: This vow you printed out is perfect.

ESTELLE: I’ll start.

Good evening everyone. All of you look terrific. My name is Estelle, and before me is a New York State Notary Public, but not a wedding officiant. We gather here to renew our life-cycle celebrant. It is my honor to be present at this vow renewal. Before we begin, please make sure to turn your phone ringers on full blast, so if someone’s phone rings, we know who to blame. Please rise.

One of the wonderful things about vow renewals is that they also serve as a multi-family reunion. Let us honor the parents in this event… Unfortunately, they couldn’t make it. Let us honor the children in this event.

Now, Groom and Groom, I now ask that we read this excerpt from Plato’s symposium… Groom and Groom? Georgie.. where did you get this script from?

GEORGE: The internet mom. I thought we were in a hurry, so I got the first script I could get my hands on.

FRANK: No problem, just have the Notary read it, and where it says Groom and Groom, change it to Bride and Groom, or Groom and Bridge. Whichever he likes better.

(10 minutes later)

NOTARY: Please raise your right hands — So, do you Frank take Estelle as your renewed Bride, and to honor her and cherish her forever and ever and ever, so long as you shall both live?

FRANK: Even into the afterlife — if there is one.

NOTARY: And do you Estelle, take Frank as your renewed Groom, and will honor, cherish, obey, and love him so long as you both shall life?

ESTELLE: I do, but he is supposed to obey me, and I’m not so sure about all of this afterlife mumbo-jumbo.

NOTARY: I now pronounce you renewed husband and wife. You may kiss the other Groom… I mean the Bride. Boy, this script keeps you on your toes!

ESTELLE: Now, it’s cake time! We had our cake made to look like a Jurat. Guess what piece you are getting Mr. Notary?

NOTARY: Ummm

ESTELLE: You get the Venue!

NOTARY: Oh… It’s wonderful, but I think the county is Queens here not New York.

ESTELLE: Once you’ve had a few shots of rum, you won’t know the difference. Drink up!

.

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August 21, 2015

Big Bang Theory: Notarizing a discovery about string theory

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 11:06 am

RAJ: We have to get our latest discovery notarized.

SHELDON: How can you notarize a discovery?

LEONARD: Well, perhaps we should patent it at least. To be on the safe side.

RAJ: Yeah, there are people out there who steal inventions all the time.

SHELDON: Our’s hasn’t even been thoroughly tested. And it is so complicated that even we don’t understand it. So, how is a patent thief supposed to understand it?

RAJ: I was so paranoid I didn’t think that part over. But, our “lost electron syndrome” discovery is so critical, maybe to be safe.

PENNY: Oh, I’m sure your electron will show up somewhere. They always do.

SHELDON: Penny, I don’t know if you realize how important our discovery is. We’ve been reading for decades about how Newtonian Physics has been questioned, and how matter can really be created and destroyed. However, very few physicists have actually seen actual matter disappear, especially under the circumstances that we did. We added emotion to our physics experiment. We played happy music and started dancing around the room all joyfully. And an electron disappeared. I counted them — I know.

PENNY: You counted electrons? I should try that!

RAJ: Yeah, I think she should. It’s a good idea. I do that sometimes when I’m bored, or want to practice my powers of observation. I’m calling the Notary… (ring ring)

NOTARY: Arnie’s Notary, Arnie speaking, may I help you?

RAJ: Hello Arnie. You see, we have this discovery we need notarized. How do we exactly get this done?

NOTARY: You need a statement and an ID. The statement is up to you. It must be written up, and include the name of the signer in it if you require an Acknowledged signature. Or you can do a sworn Oath with a Jurat statement. It’s up to you.

RAJ: Either way. I’ll type one up now.

(10 minutes later)

RAJ: Hello Mr. Arnie. Yes, I typed up the document about the discovery. I would like us all to sign it, so I included all of our three names in the text of the document and also in the signature area. And, yes, we all have ID’s, although we seem to be missing an electron.

NOTARY: Oh, no wonder. The funniest thing happened to me yesterday. After a busy day of notarizing, I was watching TV, and you’d never believe what happened?

RAJ: So tell me?

NOTARY: An electron just showed up out of nowhere.

RAJ: Nowhere? An electron. Hold on. Let me get Sheldon. He says he was watching TV and an electron appeared out of nowhere.

SHELDON: Well, do you think it was our electron?

RAJ: How can you tell one electron from another?

NOTARY: Well, I asked the electron for identication just like I do with everyone else. But, it just whizzed around. To me they all look the same.

LEON: Fascinating. That might be our electron.

RAJ: Maybe we should put up a flyer in the halls saying, “Lost electron. Reward if found.”

NOTARY: Before you do that, I’ll be down at your lab to notarize your statement. $30 travel fee and $10 per signature. Cash only! Pay the travel fee up front just in case your ID’s are missing just like your marble.. I mean your electrons.

SHELDON: Oh, one more thing. We’ll have to put you in a bio-hazard suit before entering the lab.

NOTARY: My fee schedule specifically mentions that I charge $5 extra for each time I put on a bio-hazard outfit, but removal is at no cost as a courtesy to the client.

SHELDON: Deal.

PENNY: Oh, this is so exciting. Can I put on a bio-hazard suit too?

LEON: I don’t think they come in matching colors.

PENNY: Then never mind.

.

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