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May 11, 2018

Fran the Nanny from Queens hires a Notary.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 11:16 am

FRAN: Oh, Mr. Sheffield, isn’t the butler supposed to do things like this, answering the door, calling Notaries, etc?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Yes yes, but he is out sick

FRAN: Does that mean that he would sneeze in snide and condescending way.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Of course not, why would he do that… well actually, hmm. Why are we discussing this? Just call that damn Notary, will you?

FRAN: Yes sir, right away.

FRAN: (ring-ring) Hello, is this Isaac from Glatt Kosher Notaries?

CHARLES: (British Accent) No, this is Charles, Isaac is out. In any case, thank you for calling GK Notaries where we can assist you with assumption clauses, affiant testimoniums, Jurats, Proofs of Execution and more.

FRAN: I need a Notary, but the last schmuck was such a putz that he did the whole job like a patsa and I had to shlepp to another guy right before shabbat. My tuchus has never recovered — gevalt!

CHARLES: I feel like we are not speaking the same language here.

FRAN: You’re telling me! Let me translate what I said into your language and then you can translate what you said into English. We’ll pay big bucks if you can send over a Notary who knows what he is doing.

CHARLES: Now, we’re communicating. Yes, we can send someone any time during the week.

FRAN: So, not to be personal, but where are all of the Jewish people in the office?

CHARLES: Well, you see, it is Friday and they like to leave three hours early to beat the Shabbat rush so they can prepare their food and get a good front row seat in school.

FRAN: You mean shul.

CHARLES: Yes, that too.

FRAN: But, you can have someone come today in an hour or two? My boss is a big time producer and he needs a contract notarized prompto.

CHARLES: Yes, well we have someone named Jack who is available. Shall I send him over?

FRAN: By all means. I’m so happy!

CHARLES: Well I’m happy that you’re happy?

FRAN: You are? (shocked) Oh right. I forgot, I’m trying to get used to this whole idea of taking delight at other people’s happiness.

CHARLES: What I’ve learned from working at this company, is that when I express delight at other people’s happiness, I have to say — you wouldn’t understand — it’s a gentile thing.

FRAN: I’m sure I’ll get used to it. In any case, I’ll have Mr. Sheffield get his ID and documents ready.

(ding… dong…)

FRAN: I’ll get it.

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

FRAN: Oh, very good pronunciation for a goy!

JACK: Thanks and funny you should mention that. Because when I was born we had a Jewish doctor.

FRAN: No kidding, so did I. Was your’s single? And is he still single? Never mind, he’s probably 80 by now, I’m not that desperate.

JACK: So, when I came out of the womb, he proudly announced — it’s a goy!

FRAN: That’s really funny. Anyway, Mr. Sheffield is upstairs in the study.

(the two go upstairs)

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Shattab shmaloom to you too.

FRAN: That’s not how you say it Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Close enough.

FRAN: By the way, Mr. Sheffield isn’t Jewish. But, I’m working on him. He’s becoming an expert on the foods of our people.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: That’s right, if it doesn’t have a “chhh” or other gutteral sound, it doesn’t go into your mouth. I have memorized several of these types of foods: choomosss, that’s the Israeli pronunciation, the Arabs are not as gutteral with this, then there is Schoog which is Yeminite, and then Challah which is egg bread. I’m more partial to the Challah, it’s easier to pronounce and easier on the system.

FRAN: Plus it’s milchik…. never mind. In any case. Let’s administer the Oath. Please raise your right hand. Do, you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that you agree to the terms and conditions in this contract, so help you God?

JACK: I think I’m supposed to do this part. Would you prefer an Oath or Affirmation?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: What’s the difference?

FRAN: In an Oath, you swear to a higher power, and in an Affirmation you affirm on your personal honor. Mr. Sheffield has a lot of personal honor by the way. More than any one else I know.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein, do you think that you could possibly just let the Notary do his job without any further interference? And besides, what are you, the notary’s druchshlepp?

FRAN: Wow, your Yiddish is really getting so much better. But, oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been reading up on the 123notary free blog posts teaching Notary knowledge. I’ve learned so much about Notary procedure and it was completely free.

JACK: Okay, please sign here, and let me see your ID… then, we can sign the journal. (two minutes later) Okay, now please raise your right hand… Oh gee, I forget what to say.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein (yelling into the hallway), you can come back now.

FRAN: Did you need help with that Oath? Less than 10% of New York Notaries know how to administer an Oath. Most don’t think they even need to. Okay Jack, just repeat after me. I Jack Collins take you Fran Fein to be my lawfully wedded. Ooops, sorry. I’m so desperate to get married. Okay, start over. Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to and will abide by the terms within?

JACK: Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to it?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: I do.

FRAN: OH, Mr. SHEFFIELD!!!! You have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words come from your lips!

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April 27, 2018

Miami Vice — a shipment of illegal notary seals

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 10:37 am

CHIEF: Sonny, you need to take care of this. There’s a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming in, but we have no intel on it. Can you handle it?

SONNY: I’m on it. But, I don’t have any reliable sources.

RICO: We’ll use any sources we can get. But, we do have something. Remember Nuggie?

SONNY: Oh God, him again? I’m on it.

(Rico and Sonny travel downtown)

RICO: Let’s get a Cuban cafe first and then find out guy.

SONNY: Deal. I just hope our Ferrari is safe. We’ll keep it in eye distance. Besides it has an alarm.

RICO: Dos cafes cubanos por favor. Y rapido tambien. (Two Cuban coffes, and make it fast!)

(gunshots ring out)

SONNY: Get down….. (pause) I think our plan has a hole in it. Make that a coffee cup with a hole in it. I’ll call it in. (ring ring) Hey, there were gun shots on Sunset BLVD. We have no idea what it was about, but the car sped off and they’re gone now.

GINA: Okay. You can finish your coffee now.

SONNY: How did you know we were having coffee?

GINA: Oh, just a hunch. Call it women’s intuition.

NUGGIE: Hey man, how are my boys doing. The Nug-man has arrived, and arrived in style. Check out my new shades. My new wife bought me these. Ha ha!!! Don’t keep me long because the Nuggie has to Boogie, you dig?

SONNY: We dig. Listen. Do you know anything about a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming into Miami harbor on a freighter in the next few days.

NUGGIE: That all depends on who and how much is asking.

SONNY: Rico, do you have a hundred?

RICO: Here’s two Ben Franklins. This one’s important.

NUGGIE: Oh, allright. Benjamin is doing the asking in repetition. All I know if that a guy named Sanchez is moving some heavy cargo from the Dominican Republic. Word on the street is that they have a seal forging plant over there and the action is hot and humid. You dig?

RICO: Do you know anything about where and when? Or a last name?

NUGGIE: He’s in his late 40’s, Cuban and has a mustache last time I checked. His organization prefers to use fishing boats, but they switch things up quite a bit to keep the authorities guessing.

RICO: Thanks Nuggie, you’ve been a huge help.

SONNY: (ring ring) Gina, do you have any intel on a guy named Sanchez who smuggles using fishing boats.

GINA: Last I heard, he was smuggling fishing boats. What a great cover.

SONNY: Very funny. Do you have anything.

GINA: We have a profile on the guy I think you are talking about. We have names, addresses, and rap sheets.

SONNY: Great, we’ll get the bug van and see if we can pick up some knowledge tapping some phones.

(3 hours later)

VAN GUY: We got the van set up. Sanchez’s crew are in the address we are in front of. They are talking about all types of things. But, they have only mentioned stampers once. I guess by that they mean Notary Seal.

SONNY: Anything about a time or place?

VAN GUY: Nothing yet.

(six hours later)

VAN GUY: (ring ring) We got a time. Noon tomorrow, there’s going to be a transfer from one fishing boat to several inflatable motor boats. Real little ones. They will be carrying the merchandise underwater in bags. if there is any trouble, the seals will sink to the bottom and there will be no evidence unless you have frog guys.

RICO: I know how to dive. I’ll handle this.

VAN GUY: They put a big rock in the bag, so we will have to bring a decompression suit just in case you dive too deep.

TRUDY: Don’t we need a Navy Seal for this, instead of a Notary Seal. It sounds too dangerous for Rico. And where will he hang his suit when he’s diving?

RICO: I’m not worried about that because my wet suit comes with a wet tie, and matching spear gun just in case I need it.

GINA: Hey Sonny, remember that shooting when you were having Cuban coffee? I just found out that was not just a random shooting. That was a competitor of the guy you are chasing named Rubio. They have their own channels for selling fake Notary seals, and are moving in on the supplier.

SONNY: Change of plans guys. We are going to set up a rendevous between Rubio and Sanchez. Either they kill each other, or we can arrest all of them all in one meet. Rico, you pretend to be one of Rubio’s guys and set up the meet. In the ocean. The dress code is wet suits.

RICO: I’m on it.

(nine hours later — at the meet in the ocean. Rubio’s guys try to hijack the merchandise. There is a shoot out. Half of Rubio’s guys are killed and retreat at high speed far away. Sanchez’s guys do not follow. After Rubio’s guys move out, Miami Vice moves in.)

RICO: Freeze, Miami Vice.

(Sanchez’s guys drop the Notary seals into the water. Rico jumps into the water with his spear gun)

VICTOR: Bubble bubble bubble

RICO: You don’t really bubble bubble mean that bubble.

(A secret deal was going on under water. There were five guys in wet suits with underwater guns. But, the Notary seals they were selling were underwater notary seals used by Jacque Cousteau.)

RICO: I’m going to need bubble up, I mean back bubble up. There are fbub-bub-bub-ive of them and only one of me.

SONNY: Damn it. I never thought of that. Ugh!!!!

RICO: But, I brought an underwater charge. I come prepared for this kind of thing mon.

(boom… meanwhile Sanchez’s guys bubble to the surface all disoriented after the underwater blast. Miami Vice has them at gun point. Sanchez puts a gun to his own head because he doesn’t want to go back to jail.

SONNY: Don’t do it. Just put the gun down.

SANCHEZ: I am never going back to jail again. I have had enough. (bang)

SONNY: No!!!!!!!!

After that, the seals were returned to the Florida Notary commission who did not want the seals because they said, “State of Florida, County of Underwater.”

(meanwhile back on Sonny’s boat)

RICO: That was quite a bust. I’ve never seen anything like it. Not in New York, not here. What’s up with your alligator, he is trying to eat his chain.

SONNY: I call it a classic case of “areptile disfunction.”

RICO: Ha ha ha ha ha. Good one.

.

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March 28, 2018

George Lopez Notary Public

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:10 am

GEORGE: Hey Angie, I think we need a Notary for Carmen’s report card.

ANGIE: Okay, I can call one. Can you use the online yellow pages.

GEORGE: I prefer the paginas amarillos, but I’ll settle for whatever I can get.

ANGIE: If you use the paginas amarillos, you will get a Notario Publico. I’m not sure if that’s even legal.

GEORGE: Just as long as it’s barely legal. You know what I mean. Like that swim suit you wore last year.

ANGIE: Hey, I like that swim suit.

GEORGE: Me too!

ERNIE: Hey guys. I overheard you need a Notary to notarize a swim suit? That’s going to be one very small notarization in two pieces.

ANGIE: You can’t notarize a swim suit.

GEORGE: I know, there would be hardly anything to notarize, in your case.

ERNIE: You know, I just had lunch. I saw some old ladies eating potatoes. How pathetic, you know?

GEORGE: I know. You saw mamas eating papas.

CARMEN: Very funny. Like cannibalism. Like the time I went to have Japanese food at a cannibalistic restaurant where the first item on the menu was Raw Men.

GEORGE: Hey Carmen, you are too young to be eating raw men. At least cook them first and get some frijoles tambien!

CARMEN: For your information, my report card cannot be notarized. We need your signature on a document saying that you saw my report card.

ANGIE: Oh, so now we are getting technical.

CARMEN: If you don’t get technical, the notarization will not be honored or even possible.

GEORGE: Good point. Which of my ID’s should I use?

ANGIE: The one that’s not expired!

GEORGE: Oh, I better check. But, don’t we need to draft a document?

BENNY: I can draft the document. I have plenty of experience with this getting my ex-boyfriends out of jail and getting their vehicles out of impound. What does the document need to say?

ANGIE: It says right here?

GEORGE: Can I write it in Spanish and then get a certified translator?

BENNY: That’s gonna cost you, and there’s no guarantee the translation will be correct.

GEORGE: Well, what if I pretend I can’t speak English, then can the Notary still Notarize my signature?

ANGIE: I think that direct communication is required for notarizing a person’s signature in most states according to the 123notary.com blog.

GEORGE: 123notary? Well why use the paginas amarillos when we can use uno dos tres notary punto com!

VIC: It sounds more like a Cuban radio station the way you say it. It makes me want to get my congas out of the closet because they are collecting dust.

ANGIE: But, if you play them you will be raising the dust, and we wouldn’t want that!

VIC: Silence, and let the master take part in his trade…. Rumba… my boriquen rumba… ay mi dios my rumba, sumba y catumba… felices!!!!

ANGIE: What happened to ritmo cubano?

VIC: This one is Puerto Rican, just like the Notary who’s coming in five minutes. I already arranged the meeting and drafted the document. You see. I am a step ahead of you. All I ask, is that you let him lead. Notaries from San Juan are like that.

NOTARY: I’m here! Which one of you is Vic.

VIC: Me, of course, the good looking one papi.

GEORGE: I’m good looking too… most of the time, at least when I’ve had my hair done. I’m the signer, so here is my ID.

NOTARY: You don’t look like the guy in the photo.

GEORGE: Oh that’s because I had my hair done for the photo, but didn’t today. But, the eyebrows should match. See???

NOTARY: Hmm. Okay. Sign here, and then sign my journal.

GEORGE: Journal? Nobody told me anything about a journal.

NOTARY: Su firma aqui por favor!

GEORGE: Okay… ahorita!

NOTARY: Stamps the form. Here you are. Your daughter is off the hook. Your DJ, that’s another story. I know a good conga teacher not far from here.

VIC: Hey, I am practically a professional, what are you talking about? Hey, doesn’t George have to swear under Oath?

NOTARY: Not today. Maybe next time if you are lucky. Just keep your arm flexible just in case I ask you to raise your right hand.

.

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September 15, 2017

Psych Notary Episode

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very),Popular Overall,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:54 pm

There is a sit-com on Ion television that you can sometimes get on other cable stations called Psych. It’s about a psychic Shawn Spencer and his sidekick Burton Guster. In any case, the psychic is a fake half the time who sees real clues that nobody else saw him see and then pretends to have a vision.

In this episode, a Notary is found dead and his stamp is found missing. The detectives arrive on the scene.

LASSITER: The body is dead — and it’s cold. It could have been lying here for a good seven to ten hours in my estimate. The cause of death seems unclear.

JULES: Let’s take the body to the lab and see if there is any sign of food poisoning. The victim seems to be a Notary Public, and you know how those type of people are — you know — eating on the road on the run.

SHAWN: You’re right. He might have eaten a poisoned fish filet or….wait a second, I’m getting something… (puts his right two fingers to his head) This MAN, did not die from accidental food poisoning (pause)… he was murdered.

LASSITER: You and your unsubstantiated hunches. I just can’t stand it. And what’s worse is that you’re right more than half the time.

SHAWN: Some people say that I’m talented. Oh, and I’m sorry about your tragic breakup.

LASSITER: Yeah… so am I. I really fell for her.

SHAWN: Don’t despair Lassie, there are other fish in the sea… and coral, particularly Staghorn coral.. and sometimes Pillar coral, and it really sucks when that filmy type of algae gets stuck on the coral.. hmmm. I wonder how that happens. But, I digress. My point is that I’m sure you’ll find someone else.

GUS: Yeah… You’ll find someone. Algae on coral? Ain’t no algae on coral.

SHAWN: I’ve seen it. At least half a dozen times.

GUS: Where?

SHAWN: Snorkeling

GUS: Since when do you snorkel?

SHAWN: I snorkel… Why, you didn’t think I snorkeled? I’m a snorkeler. And I can communicate with fish too. Watch this (puts face near the fish tank and blows bubbles in the air) bubble bubble bubble… See. I told you. I am all about the sea.

JULES: Well, we’ll have to inspect the scene thoroughly and then round up some suspects. Hmm. It seems that this man is a Notary, yet his Notary seal seems to be missing. Perhaps this Notary was murdered to cover up a botched notarization.

LASSITER: Or perhaps the Notary had an exclusive contract with his boss, and his boss found out….

SHAWN: That the Notary was cheating on him… I think you’re projecting, Lassie. Your ex-girlfriend.

LASSITER: She never cheated on me! She was arrested for conspiracy.

SHAWN: Sure she didn’t. I understand. We need to know who the last one who was in the room was — and that man (or woman) will be… the killer.

GUS: What if there were two of them.

SHAWN: Okay… I’m getting something. (puts right fingers to side of head). I know who the killer is… or should I say… “Killizz”

LASSITER: According to this security footage, a well known gangster named Tommy Walker was the last man to come here.

SHAWN: Wait a second, I recognize those finger tattoos. Put them all together, one one hand is says love, and on the other hand’s fingers it says hate. And mom told me not to use four letter words. The killer had a document missing a page and the Notary refused to sign it. So, the killer murdered the Notary, stole the Notary’s stamp and backdated the notarization so that it would APPEAR to have been done long before the murder even though it would not be recorded until after because of some last minute travel arrangements gone bad.

JULES: How do you come up with this?

SHAWN: I have a natural gift.

(Meanwhile the main suspect Tommy Walker, a hardened criminal is at home eating fruit loops and watching the muffets when our dynamic team of sleuths barges in)

LASSITER: (pointing gun) You’re under arrest for the Murder of John Q Smith, Notary Public at large.

TOMMY: I didn’t kill him. He just died shortly after our Notary appointment.

SHAWN: Ah-ha, but your Notary appointment yielded no actual notarization. Or did it. Wait a second… I”m getting something (see’s notarized form in the bag) I see a … win a trip for two to Disney Land…

GUS: Shawn!

SHAWN: Oh, sorry, no… check right behind the Disneyland document and you will find the incriminating document. Yes… A falsified Power of Attorney with a classic missing page… The NNA warns people about that type of situation.

JULES: Oh my God Shawn. You’re right. This Notarization was dated several days ago, but the ink is still fresh.

SHAWN: Caught… in the act. And… we happen to have access to this Notary’s Notary journal which has no record of your transaction on May 5th, “el cinco de Mayo” of the Power of Attorney in question. Which proves that either the Notary kept lousy records, or that you faked the notarization. We’ll have to take the form to the lab so that Woody can inspect the ink for aging.

TOMMY: Okay, I did it. I stole the Notary’s seal, but I didn’t kill him. The killer

SHAWN: Or “Killizz”

TOMMY: is STILL at large. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy. In the mean time… hello travelocity.

JULES: Not so fast. We have the right to detain you until we resolve this.

GUS: Good thing this Notary kept good records because many Notaries on 123notary don’t think they need to keep a journal since their state doesn’t require it. And the ones in California who are required, don’t understand that each document and signature require their own journal entry. You can’t just put them all on the same line and expect that to be a legal record.

SHAWN: How do you know all this?

GUS: Because I used to be a commissioned Notary Public for the state of California, County of Santa Barbara — thank you very much for asking.

SHAWN: Oh cool, so can you notarize my stuffed penguin I’ve had since childhood?

GUS: You never had a stuffed penguin.

SHAWN : Did too, you just never saw it.

GUS: Where did you keep it?

LASSITER: Gentlemen, let’s be done with this inconsequential rambling and get to the task at hand. We need to take Tommy into custody and then question him. Meanwhile, we need to see Woody to see what the autopsy reveals.

WOODY: Hmmm, I’ve checked the body thoroughly and it seems that the Notary was administered a tiny amount of poison that would make him drowsy for just the amount of time it would take Tommy to borrow the Notary’s seal, stamp a document, return the seal and then leave. Tommy probably figured the Notary wouldn’t suspect a thing. HOWEVER, since the Notary had an allergy to some of the chemicals in the poison, the Notary died on the spot. Although the death was accidental, the poisoning was not.

LASSITER: Involuntary manslaughter. Tommy will get a much shorter sentence. A petty crime gone wrong.

SHAWN: Couldn’t the Notary die on an x, or on a dotted line instead of on the spot. Wouldn’t that be cooler.

GUS: Shawn! A notary can’t die on an x marks the spot. That’s ridiculous. He could die on a chair.

SHAWN: Or a gezebo. Or … wait a second, or a pagoda. But, that would probably only be a Japanese Notary.

GUS: Unless it was an American tourist Notary who was on vacation in a place where there are pagodas.

SHAWN: True, but would the American Notary carry their seal with them to Osaka to a pagoda and then just die there?

GUS: I don’t know. But, the Notary seal might drop out of his bag while he was bowing. When Americans bow, they bow too low. Japanese bow just a little bit — just the right amount.

SHAWN: How do you know so much about bowing?

GUS: I studied Hokkaido style karate — that is how I know. And if you studied that too, the knowledge would come from within you.

SHAWN: Right now the only thing coming from within me is an intense desire to eat a pineapple. Wanna share one?

GUS: Okay!

LASSITER: You guys are both insane. But, we cracked the case and we can all go home now, except for Tommy who’s going to do some real time.

SHAWN: Yes, unless he also finds a way to backdate his prison sentence!

.

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August 10, 2017

Byron Allen – Notary Hot Chocolate!

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:41 am

Byron Allen — Notary Hot Chocolate!

BYRON: Welcome to comics unleashed hot chocolate, where the comedians go wild! Are you guys ready to go wild?

EARTHQUAKE: Man, you gotta know what you’re doing if you do Notaries in the ghetto. On Jeremy’s 123notary blog it recommends that you don’t park in the driveway. On my blog, I recommend that you don’t park anywhere. Unless you like seeing your car parts live on in another vehicle. You don’t want to park in the kind of neighborhoods I do my Notaries. you do not want to park. You’d be better off Ubering your ass down to the signing.

GINA: My ass, I’d need two Ubers.

EARTHQUAKE: That’s what I like, girl! Good luck trying to get one to pick you up on your way home. If you do, chances are it’s a stolen Uber.

GINA: What I recommend is have two cars. One nice car you use to go out on a date. And another one that is a junker that you use to do signings in bad neighborhoods — and get a good alarm.

STEVEN: My car alarm has settings: low, regular, highly sensitive, and ghetto times three.

EARTHQUAKE: Ha ha ha… Yeah, I tried that two car thing. It worked real good in the beginning until the junker broke down and then the minute I took my nice car out the garage I got pulled over within minutes. The “Make Honkies Great” bumper sticker probably didn’t help.

GINA: I’ve had it with getting pulled over for DWB. So, much for “Black privilege.”

EARTHQUAKE: Hey don’t knock it, we might have trouble in some facets of life, but I assure you not in others. Tell me a white 60 year-old lady who has the gall to put her face on her own magazine every month.

KYLE: Oprah! Where’s my frickin’ free car?

STEVEN: My car is the opposite of a chick car. It ain’t even a blowup doll car. Not that I haven’t used one in the carpool lane.

EARTHQUAKE: ha ha.. My love life blows too. Neither have I.

GINA: Try candles. Women like candles. Unless they’re over 35 and on their birthday cake. With the type of chicks you meet, get a candle of a Notary Seal.

KYLE: You should get a titanium Notary Seal, so you can run faster from the house you’re doing a signing in back to your junker.

STEVEN: Don’t overlook the idea of getting a hot air balloon. That way you don’t have to park it. Just tie it to the house.

GINA: You’re full of hot air.

EARTHQUAKE: I’m so behind on the bills for my two cars, I have bill collectors calling me daily. There are so many, they carpool to my house to collect. Those are the same people who “approved” me.

GINA: I wouldn’t approve you.

EARTHQUAKE: Thanks for the vote of confidence. But, anyway, yesterday I did a signing for a family called the Owens. I said, that’s a good name for you, because after you sign this Deed of Trust you’re gonna be Owen for the next thirty years.

KYLE: I had a signing like that in Ionia County, Michigan. I told them that’s a good thing you live in this county because after you sign the TRID…. the Lender’s gonna say Ionia!

EARTHQUAKE: You went to Ionia just for the bad pun, didn’t you?

KYLE: Why else would I go?

STEVEN: The thing I hate about being a black Notary is that when I deny illegal requests from black customers, sometimes they call me an Uncle Tom for complying with the man. I’m complying with the law that protects all of us…

GINA: Yeah, except in transit from venue to venue..

STEVEN: Good point…

GINA: It’s less of a point, and more of a line when you think about it. And it’s not as bad as being called an Auntie Thomassina.

EARTHQUAKE: Now, what did you say about my mamma?

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March 24, 2017

Sharktank: Self-Driving Notary

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 8:02 am

DO YOUR JOB OR YOU COULD SEE THIS ON SHARK TANK!

First into the tank is a notary who plans to eliminate the competition.

CONTESTANT: Hello, sharks. My name is Jesse and I’m seeking $200,000 for 10% of my company, Self-Notary! Imagine eliminating the hassle of human beings showing up late for signings. Of making fun of your driver’s license picture ID. Well imagine no more! Self-Notary brings the future of automated transportation to your doorstep! So sharks, who’s ready to sign… on the dotted line?

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re talking about putting your fellow workers out of business. I’m sure they’ll want to sign all right. Your death certificate! How does this job-robbing invention of yours work?

CONTESTANT: A self-driving notary vehicle shows up at the client’s door. The signer puts his ID in the slot, scans his document, signs the online journal, puts his money in the dollar feed, and the machine sends the document.

DAYMOND: How does it get an oil change if it’s driverless?

CONTESTANT: An automated mechanic drives out to change it.

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re valuing your company at two million dollars. I assume there are SALES to report about. At least there better be.

CONTESTANT: We’re in pre-launch.

MARK: Oh. brother. And you expect us to pre-pay before we even know if it works?

LORI: What does it cost you to make, and what does it cost the client?

CONTESTANT: $100,000 a unit. And it costs the client a fee per signature plus a travel fee.

MR. WONDERFUL: That’s terrible. That’s a big nothing-burger. The day I get my money back on a deal like this is the day I need a haircut – which I haven’t needed since I became BALD! I’m out.

DAYMOND: After the notarization is finished, does the driverless car give the client a flourless cake as a thank you gift?

CONTESTANT: No, but that’s a great idea! My wife is a terrible gardener. We could eat the cake in her flower-less garden.

DAYMOND: It was MY great idea! I’m out.

BARBARA: I’ve been watching your presentation, and I think you’re a lousy salesman.

CONTESTANT: Would you swear to that?

BARBARA: Yes. But you wouldn’t be a credible witness.

LORI: So are you in, Barbara, or are you out?

BARBARA: I’m gonna make him an offer.

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re insane. I forbid you from murdering innocent money like that.

BARBARA: I’ll give you half the money you want, but you’re gonna need a lot of my help. I want 20% and I want another shark to go in on the deal.

LORI: I’ll go in on that deal with you, Barbara. 20% each. I deal with notaries who show up late all the time. I think there’s a market for automated notaries. And the human ones they put out of business can learn from the embarrassment of it and beat the automated notaries at their own game by signing up with the best of them on 123notary.com.

MR. WONDERFUL: What is this, product placement?

LORI: I get a few extra bucks for it. They don’t call me a shark for nothing. You better sign up on 123notary.com before the automated notaries do.

MR. WONDERFUL: You did it again?

LORI: Cha-ching.

Just then, the shark’s worst nightmare rolled in before their eyes!

MR. WONDERFUL: What is that monstrosity?

CONTESTANT: Oh, that’s the other product I’m working on. That’s automated you, Mr. Wonderful! Self-driving Shark!

BARBARA: Looks just like him. Especially the chrome dome.

.

You might also like:

See our string of episodes of Notary Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

See our string on posts about Snapdocs
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=snapdocs

The most important new technology you should buy today!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15305

Startup Apps that could ruin the Notary business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16579

Apps that Notaries have never heard of that could change your life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16311

New Apps for the iPhone7 that you’ve never dreamed of
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10977

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February 17, 2017

Notaries in cars getting coffee

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 9:07 pm

What type of car would fit the personality of a Notary? There would have to be room for the Notary’s bag where they keep their seals, certificate pads, mace, and other tools of the trade. But, most cars have room for a tiny bag, don’t they? Next, the car would need a good GPS system since Notaries are notorious for having trouble finding the houses of new clients (which they do multiple times per day.) Finally, the car would need good fuel efficiency and be easy to park, because you never know where you’ll have to park.

Another critical point is that others would avoid having an accident with this car (or near this car) since the Notary would make such a good witness. And what better car to greet today’s guest in, none other than the world’s greatest ex-Notary — Jeremy.

NOTARY: Wow, what a great car! What’s the Power of Attorney on this thing? I hope it does well in reverse, because I do a lot of reverse mortgages. How many pages per gallon (or minute) can it print doing eDocuments? Does it have a plugin for electronic signatures?

SEINFELD: If you drive it as an electric vehicle, you won’t need Errors & Emissions insurance. What’s the deal with a digital signature? If it is anything like the digital exam the proctologist gave me last week, I just hope you have plenty of rubber of gloves in the glove compartment.

NOTARY: I’m going to call it the stamp compartment, so keep your filthy gloves out of it.

SEINFELD: You are the funniest Notary I know.

NOTARY: Is that why you have me on your show?

(In coffeeshop)

SEINFELD: I’d like eggs over easy.

NOTARY: And make sure they’re on time, otherwise I’m charging you waiting time.

SEINFELD: Well, she is a waitress, that’s what she does.

NOTARY: Yeah — she gets paid for waiting, but I need to get paid for waiting too, especially if I get a four minute egg that takes forty-five minutes to arrive.

SEINFELD: Yeah, and the eggs better have their ID ready when they arrive, because I don’t think the Notary will let me eat them if they don’t have identification.

WAITRESS: No problem, I’ll just send the eggs to the DMV in the meantime to get an ID. But, I can’t get one without a birth certificate which will be a problem since none of the eggs have been born yet.

SEINFELD: Well, can’t they get born, and then somehow be shoved back into their shell?

WAITRESS: They might not taste so good if you did that.

SEINFELD: What type of coffee would a Notary drink?

NOTARY: It doesn’t matter just as long as we know the expiration date of the beans.

WAITRESS: What type of document would you use to prove that a brand of coffee was decaffeinated?

NOTARY: A decaffidavit.

SEINFELD: That figures (and rolls his eyes.) So, what type of coffee do you guys drink?

WAITRESS: Some prefer Chock Full o’Notaries while some prefer Antigua Affidavit.

NOTARY: Okay, thanks a latte. If I order that, will I have to pay a “latte fee?”

WAITRESS: Not if you sign your tip on time.

SEINFELD: With all thie caffeine racing through my veins, this is the first time I’ve been awake with a Notary.

NOTARY: In case you say something funny, I’ll be sure to acknowledge that it was indeed a joke.

SEINFELD: What’s that? Sorry, I was nodding off there. I want to ask you something. When you were a little kid, and your little friends were dreaming of being spiderman or a cowboy, what made you dream of executing a document?

NOTARY: Right now I’m dreaming of executing a comic.

SEINFELD: You know what? That was actually funny? I’ll give that joke two thumbprints up! Look at that elderly couple. They must have been married for fifty years. They haven’t said a word to each other in twenty minutes. After twenty years of marriage they must run out of things to say.

NOTARY: Yeah, and they run of of things to Notarize too.

SEINFELD: Can’t you ever get your mind off of work?

NOTARY: Well I think I was thinking more about your work, since I was making a joke about Notarizing!

(walking outside)

SEINFELD: Look at that sign — it says Notary Public, and then another sign that says back in an hour. I wonder if that means back in an hour from now, or back in an hour from when the sign was hung.

NOTARY: Is the sign hung or hanged?

SEINFELD: A jury is hung, the guy they convicted is hanged, but when it comes to signs, I haven’t the foggiest.

NOTARY: Well, if the sign was convicted, then I know what the correct verbiage would be. Thank God you can’t hang a signature otherwise my whole career would be on the line.

SEINFELD: Sorry to leave you hanging, but we need to get back in the car.

NOTARY: This was actually fun.

SEINFELD: Fun is a very foreign experience for someone in your line of work.

NOTARY: But, I don’t think of it as work.

SEINFELD: (Nodding off) What’s that?

.

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http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18926

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February 10, 2017

A Notary goes Public on Shark Tank with Shazamdocs!

First up into the tank: A way to keep records on how long companies take to send electronic documents.

NOTARY: Hi, Sharks. I’m Jeremy. And I’m asking for $200,000 for twenty percent of my company, Shazamdocs. Sharks, there’s one thing that matters in life more than looking as dapper as Mr. Wonderful here.

MR. WONDERFUL: He knows of what he speaks.

LAURIE: He’s kissing up and I’m throwing up.

MR. WONDERFUL: Hush. Grab a breath mint.

NOTARY: What matters in life, whether you’re sharks or whether you’re a notary, is knowing when you’ll be paid!

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re speaking my language, son. The language of luv… of money.

NOTARY: The database on Shazamdocs monitors how long companies take to send electronic documents, and… by virtue of our exclusive algorithms… computes the average amount of time it takes to get paid. No longer will you have to waste your precious time and resources hitching yourself to companies that drag their feet when it comes to upholding their end of the transactions.

DAYMOND: Feet dragging is a drag.

NOTARY: We’re like Yelp for notaries. With your help, sharks, we’ll get this in the homes of notaries throughout the country, and after that, the world! Who wants to show this notary their own seal… of approval?

ROBERT: You, yourself, said you’re like Yelp for notaries. There’s nothing proprietary about that.

NOTARY: I’ve applied for a utility patent.

CUBAN: You’ll never get it.

LAURIE: Mark.

CUBAN: What? He’s living a pipe dream. What’s to stop anybody from charting the records of companies to see how quickly they pay their bills?

NOTARY: Nobody does it like we do.

CUBAN: I’m out.

MR. WONDERUL: Ouch.

CUBAN: What about you, Kevin? You said the guy knows of what he speaks.

MR. WONDERFUL: That’s when he was complimenting my impossibly dapper qualities.

LAURIE: You got the impossibly part right.

ROBERT: What do you sell the program for and what are your sales?

NOTARY: I sell it with an annual subscription rate of 19.95. And we’re in pre-launch.

DAYMOND: Uh-oh. So you’ve made bupkis.

ROBERT: Daymond, I didn’t even know you were Jewish!

MR. WONDERFUL: I’ll make you an offer. I don’t know what you’re worth, I’m taking a heck of a risk, but I’ll go on the ride with you. There are plenty of notaries who need greater assurances they’ll get paid faster. But $200,000 at twenty percent assumes a value of a million dollars. You’re not there yet. I’ll give you the $200,000. But I want forty percent of the business.

CUBAN/DAYMOND/ROBERT: Oy.

LAURIE: You’re all Jewish now.

MR. WONDERFUL: I hear the other sharks flapping their gums, but I don’t hear anyone putting their money where their yappers are. I made you an offer, Jeremy. What do you say?

NOTARY: I appreciate the offer, Mr. Wonderful.

ROBERT: If I brought a notary in, would you swear to that?

NOTARY: But with all due respect, that’s giving up too much equity. I’d like to hear what the remaining sharks have to say.

LAURIE: As you know, Jeremy, as I’ve said many times on Shark Tank. I can tell when something’s a zero. And I can tell when something’s a hero. And this… is most definitely… a thirty. Better than zero, but nowhere near a hero. I’m out.

ROBERT: Laurie, you were toying with the man.

LAURIE: No, I wasn’t. I’m just being honest.

ROBERT: Well, Jeremy, I see nothing proprietary here. And I’m not a big notary guy. If I ever need you to witness something, I’ll be a customer. But I don’t see it as an investment. I’m out.

CUBAN: So that leaves Mr. Wonderful’s less than wonderful offer. And Mr.Daymond.

DAYMOND: I hate it when companies drag their feet before paying somebody what they’re owed, so I’m with you there.

JEREMY: Would you consider joining up with Mr. Wonderful?

DAYMOND: As much as it pains me to say it, I might do the deal with Kevin, if he’s up for it.

MR. WONDERFUL: I’d do that deal. But, Jeremy, you’d be getting two sharks.

JEREMY: Would the both of you consider the deal for… thirty percent equity?

DAYMOND: 100 K each at fifteen percent each? What do you think, Kevin?

MR. WONDERFUL: I’ll do it with one contingency. That we test the accuracy of your program on us. If your program can tell us how long it’ll be before we pay you the 200 K, I’m in.

DAYMOND: Me too.

JEREMY: Right away?

MR. WONDERFUL: Sorry. I would’ve paid you after hell freezes over.

DAYMOND: Me too.

MR. WONDERFUL/DAYMOND: I’m out!

.

You might also like:

See our string of posts about Notary Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

See our string on posts about Snapdocs
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=snapdocs

FASS has a brand new app
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17477

Video Notarizations? Good idea or not
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19098

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December 23, 2016

Flashpoint — Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract

Dave had a multimillion dollar contract for a very rare biotech machine that was one of a kind. He was to meet the buyer in a high rise downtown. But, Dave was taken hostage in the lobby 10 minutes before the signing. The subject (Tom) needed the machine to save his brother who was dying of a rare disease.

TOM: (Pointing gun) Drop the briefcase and come with me.

DAVE: I can’t, this is a very important contract.

TOM: I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.

SECURITY: Help, 911, there’s a man with a gun. Send a strategic response team immediately!

TOM: Drop your cell phone and slide it over to me. Now, Dave, I need that machine you’re selling for my sick brother. I have no choice. I have to do this. Let’s go upstairs to where the buyer is waiting.

.

You might also like:

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17017

Shark Tank: 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

.

(The two of them go upstairs)

NOTARY: Hi, I’m the Notary, and by the way, did you find me on 123notary.com?

TOM: I wasn’t the one who made the call.

DAVE: Yes you were.

NOTARY: Oh great, can you write a review for me on my listing.

TOM: This is not the time to be talking about reviews (waving gun around.)

NOTARY: Oh, did you want me to notarize your gun?

TOM: NO. I want the biotech machine to save my dying brother.

(ring ring)

TOM: Don’t answer that. I’ll get this.

GREG: Hi, this is Sargeant Greg Parker from the strategic response unit. I understand you have a hostage up there.

TOM: Yes Greg, we do.

GREG: That was a smart thing to do, taking a hostage. That really changes the game.

TOM: What are you, a professional negotiator?

GREG: Yes Tom, that is what I am. I’m here to try to work out your situation. Would you mind telling me your name?

TOM: Um, I can’t. I didn’t want to do this. I just need the machine to save my dying brother. I’ve never done anything like this (waving gun) Stand back!

GREG: Is the machine in the building where you are?

TOM: They won’t tell me where it is. And even if I have it, I don’t know how it works.

GREG: Sounds like one of the guns our team uses that’s in storage. I don’t know where it is, or how it works. If I press the wrong button, only God knows what will happen.

TOM: What?

(crash — Jules rams the door and barges into the room)

JULES: Put your weapons down!!!!

ED: Put your weapons down…

JULES: There’s only one weapon, so let’s use the singular.

ED: Copy that!!! Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to put your gun down.

NOTARY: I have a seal, should I drop my seal? I think of it as kind of a weapon.

ED: Yes, put the seal on the table.

GREG: Do you have the solution?

ED: I have the solution, and Jules has eyes on the subject although he’s nothing much to look at.

JULES: Hey, I like him. It’s just that I’m (oops) not allowed to talk about them… Sam… since that’s a conflict of interest.

GREG: I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear that so I don’t get fired. Now, put down the weapon so that we can talk this over.

TOM: I need that machine.

GREG: That’s not going to happen. We can’t give you that machine. But, if you don’t put your gun down, we’ll have to use lethal force against you. Do you understand that? They your brother will die and so will you.

TOM: No, I won’t!!!

GREG: Okay…. Scorpio

(blast)

GREG: What was that?

ED: It seems to be a gas explosion in another part of the building.

TOM: Okay, I’ll put my gun down. I don’t want to die.

JULES: You came inches from it.

DAVE: You know what, I can let your brother use my machine. But, only under my supervision.

TOM: You will? Gee thanks!

ED: And you can see the whole thing from a monitor — in jail. Put your hands in the air. You have the right to remain silent.

NOTARY: I can give him an Oath of silence. That’s one of my duties as a Notary Public.

Ed: That won’t be necessary.

NOTARY: I also do weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

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August 19, 2016

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career

The Opposite (How George Costanza changed his life and notary career.)

Speaking of the opposite, Seinfeld’s George changed his life and career around in the much remembered and loved episode, “The Opposite,” by doing just that: The opposite. If you don’t want to be unemployed and living with your parents, you need to start really nailing your notary and signing agent knowledge, not to mention your communication and following direction skills. Do you follow me?

George Costanza, the notary, is doing everything wrong.

GEORGE: It’s not working, Jerry.

JERRY: What’s not working?

GEORGE: I’m trying to charge too much, and settling for too little! I’ve been advertising on one of those other notary sites that do nothing to move my business forward. I haven’t been studying enough for my certification test. I haven’t even cracked a book.

JERRY: I’d be more impressed if you read one. So here’s your chance to do the opposite. If you work harder, get more experience, you’ll be able to charge what you’re worth! And advertise on 123notary.com.

GEORGE: And the heck with my paid listing with Notary Rotary and a free listing with no certification on 123notary.com. I’m gonna do the opposite!

JERRY: If you aren’t certified, do the opposite. Go to elite certification!

GEORGE: Does being a certified lunatic count?

JERRY: Nope. The opposite.

GEORGE: I will do the opposite! I’ll know my terminology. I’ll have more buzzwords than a beekeeper. I’ll know my documents.

JERRY: Other than the pages that say “this space intentionally left blank”?

GEORGE: If it was really intentionally left blank, they wouldn’t fill it up with words that say “this space intentionally left blank.”

JERRY: Good point.

GEORGE: Look at me, Jerry. You’re telling me I made a good point! It’s already working! I’ll finally know what I’m doing and won’t just wing it!

JERRY: Good! Not knowing what you’re doing and just winging it never got anybody anywhere. Unless you’re Donald Trump or work for Wingstop.

George should go from not reading any notary materials to reading all of them. Even change the people he’s dating. From dating no-notaries (who, after he broke up with them, swore but never under oath) to dating notaries! As for the former, they were office shredders. The opposite of those who keep records! At least he’s dating the opposite sex. So he’s on the right track, unless you prefer the opposite of the opposite, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Instead of certifying a copy of a vital record, George does the opposite and obtains it from the agency that holds the original vital record. Instead of not getting paid for travel time, George does the opposite… and doesn’t get paid for sitting on his ass. Meaning if you want to get paid, don’t sit on yours! Are you not done reading this? Do the opposite!

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Seinfeld: George needs a Notary
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