PETER: Hey Lois, hasn’t it been kind of a long time since we took a vacation?
LOIS: Yeah Peter, we haven’t gone anywhere since we went to Vegas. Remember when we lost all that money to those one armed bandits
(A one armed mugger snatches Lois’ purse and Brian chases him bites him and gets Lois’ purse back)
PETER: Yeah, that was fun. We won $2000 dollars and blew it all on school clothes for Meg. What a waste.
(Meg shows up wearing a hat, takes it off and puts on another expensive hat, then changes her coat, then puts on a set of boots)
MEG: Let’s go somewhere foreign!
BRIAN: Yeah, I heard that when you go to a foreign country, everything looks different and smells different, which is important to me because I’m a dog.
PETER: That’s it. We’re going to Jonah’s tomb. I’ll have Stewie book the tickets now.
STEWIE: So, who’s buried in Johah’s tomb?
CHRIS: Oooh, ooh, ooh, I know. Ulysses Grant?
STEWIE: No, dummie, Jonah’s buried in Jonah’s tomb. And by the way, where is Jonah’s tomb.
PETER: According to this cheap travel agent I hired, it’s in Iraq. I think we have a military base there. So, we’ll be safe.
LOIS: Just so long as I can get wifi. But, I heard there’s a lot of violence there. Will we be safe from danger?
PETER: Oh come on Lois, don’t you want a break from our typical boring life?
(They all get on a plane, fly, and get off in Iraq. Everyone on the plane is wearing an Islamic outfit.)
LOUDSPEAKER: Welcome to Iraq.
PETER: Hey Lois, we’re in Iraq
LOIS: I heard there’s a conflict between the Shia’s and the Sunni’s. But, how do you know which is which?
PETERS: It’s obvious. The ones with the long hair are the Shia’s and the ones wearing shorts are the Sunni’s.
STEWIE: No dummy, you can tell them apart from looking at their ID. I know that because I’m a notary!
LOIS: Peter, I don’t think anyone’s wearing shorts here. And everyone’s staring at me.
STEWIE: According to my GPS, the tomb is 70 miles Northwest. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to rent a car.
CAR RENTAL: Welcome to Rent a Humvee. Would you like bulletproof or non?
PETER: Don’t those use a lot of gas?
CAR RENTAL: Well, we got a ton of these when the US military left, and gas is only 50 cents a gallon. So, enjoy.
PETER: So, which is cheaper?
CAR RENTAL: Unarmored!
PETER: I’ll take an armored one. That way I can tell all of my buddies at the Drunken Clam that I drove an armored vehicle!
(The entire family drives up barren roads on their way to Jonah’s tomb. They quickly learn that the tomb was destroyed by ISIS recently.)
LOIS: I can’t believe they destroyed an ancient biblical tomb. What a horrible thing to do.
STEWIE: Those damn tomb-wreckers! Can’t they think of anything better to do?
LOIS: Oh look Peter, look at those hooded people waving their machetes.
PETER: Are they butchers? I could use a nice slab of meat right about now.
ISIS GUYS: Stop where you are!
LOIS: What do you want?
PETER: I’ll have some roast beef, um, make it lean, and a New York steak… or if that’s too much trouble, a Baghdad steak will do, and could you throw in a pickle!
ISIS GUYS: And what else?
PETER: Do you have any sides?
ISIS GUYS: We don’t take sides! Convert to Islam — or DIE!
STEWIE: Could you say that again, but with more emotion?
CHRIS: Are you guys hot under those hoods? How can you not sweat wearing those hoodies?
ISIS GUYS: We don’t mind being hot. We’re preparing for eternal damnation. I understand it’s very hot there. Okay… Convert to Islam — or DIE!
STEWIE: That was much better. But, could you put more emphasis on the “die” part.
ISIS GUYS: Oh, sorry. Convert to Islam — or DIE!
LOIS: They’re going to kill us.
STEWIE: No no, not if we convert.
ISIS GUY: By the way, the conversion needs to be notarized.
STEWIE: But, I can’t legally notarize my own conversion. That would be a violation of notary law.
ISIS GUY: It doesn’t matter just as long as it’s not a violation of our radical interpretation of Sharia law.
CHRIS: Does this mean that mom and Meg will have to wear a veil?
ISIS GUY: Yes!
CHRIS: Ha ha, Meg has to weir a veil.
PETER: Okay, let’s get this converting over with so I can have a sudsy beer back in the hotel room.
ISIS GUY: Beer is not allowed!
CHRIS: Unless you cut the head off.
ISIS GUY: Now repeat after me: Allahhu ackbar. La illah la ha illah la…. and put these outfits on. His and hers.
LOIS: Oh look at these beautiful silks. One size fits all. But, do you have this in pink? And do you have anything that’s more flattering to my figure?
PETER: La illah la — ha ha ha ha ha ha (fart) ooops (fart) ooops (fart) oops.
ISIS GUYS: No, you’re saying it wrong. It’s not ha ha ha ha ha ha.
PETER: No, that’s how I say it.
ISIS GUY: By the way, you are now required to officially get a notarized statement that you are changing your name from Peter to Boulos.
PETER: Fine, I was sick of my name anyway. Just call me Boulos the great!
LOIS: Peter, ask them what the machetes are for.
PETER: Why the way, we were just wondering what all of those machetes were for
ISIS GUY: Oh, these? These are for cutting off the heads of infadels!
STEWIE: Would my former nursery school teacher Rebecca be included in the definition of infidel?
ISIS GUY: Yes!
PETER: Cool, let’s get this show on the road. I want to be the first one to cut a head off. I’ll call it.
(Peter flips a coin. It lands on his hands — heads up)
ISIS GUY: It’s a deal. But, you must first become part of our militia. Try on this ski mask.
PETER: Oh, are we going skiing?
(Peter has a thought of skiing down a hill wearing a black ski mask and holding a machete, then slams into a tree)
PETER: Ahhh, I’ll pass!
ISIS GUY: Okay let’s get started. We are going to invade this village. The women stay at the camp with us! Get in the Humvee!
PETER: (cuts a guy’s head off) This is cool. (cuts another guy’s head off, blood gushing everywhere) Ah, this is pretty cool. (cuts another head off) This is kind of cool. (cuts a fourth head off) Ahh, this is getting a little boring here.
ISIS GUY: We do not do this for our enjoyment. We do it for Allah.
PETER: A-la what?
ISIS GUY: Allah
ISIS GUY: Do you dare make fun of the very great Allah?
PETER: Listen, this was really fun, and it was a long trip, and we’re going to head back to the hotel, and check out the mini-bar.
ISIS GUY: You are not going anywhere!
CHRIS: I have to go to the bathroom.
ISIS GUY: There is a rock over there. That’s the closest we have. Bring your own toilet paper.
PETER: First, can I get a notarized statement documenting that I successfully decapitated four infidels? I want to post that on my wall back home.
ISIS GUY: You are not going home. We have a jihad to fight!
PETER: I think I better call Stewie. (ring ring) Hey Stewie, they’re not letting us out of here.
STEWIE: No problem, I have a solution for this. Check out my newest invention, it is a multi-head Uzi that can shoot in three directions simultaneiously. (bang-bang-bang-bang-bang)
(Stewie kills all two hundred of the ISIS guys within two minutes, they go to the camp to get the ladies, and then go back to the hotel)
LOIS: Peter, next year, let’s go somewhere more quiet, like Afghanistan
PETER: I was thinking more along the lines of New Orleans, but I heard they have some good new channels on Kabul TV.
LOIS: Don’t you mean cable TV?
PETER: That’s what they call it over there I guess…