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December 11, 2019

A Star Notary Is Born

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 8:34 am

There have now been four, count them, four “A Star is Born” movies. Janet Gaynor…Judy Garland…Barbra Streisand… and of course, Lady Gaga. Which can only mean one thing… it’s time for another Star is Born movie. A Star Notary Is Born!

BRAD
(the veteran notary with a drinking problem)
Leave it to me to provide for a secure signature on an electronic document, one that proves the signature belongs to you.”

ELLEN
(up and coming notary)
Could that be called a “Digital Signature?”

BRAD
Say! You’re right. That was mighty fast. You might just have the talent to be a professional notary!

ELLEN
Do you really think so?

BRAD
I know so.

BRAD, SHAKES AND ALL, TRIPS AND FALLS.

ELLEN
Are you all right?

BRAD
Yes, I’m all right! Why, do you think I’m not all right? You think you’re better than I am?

ELLEN
(crying)
No, I swear I didn’t mean that!

ELLEN SWEARS UNDER OATH THAT SHE DIDN’T MEAN THAT. BRAD, RECOGNIZING EVEN MORE ELLEN’S TRUE CALLING, TELLS HER SHE’S A STAR. BRAD ENTERS REHAB. ELLEN ENTERS A HOME FOR HER FIRST SIGNING

THE END

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December 8, 2019

Notary Commencement Speech

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 8:13 am

Notary Commencement Speech

Greetings, Notary Class of 2019. Today marks the first day of your journey into adulthood. And driving to signings where a signer’s dog treats your leg like a lover.

Take pride in what you’ve accomplished to get to this moment. Not the parents “bribing- us-to-take-you-in” part. The certified copy of your diploma awaits you. I, as the Custodian of the Document, will be presenting the document, although I may or may not be the document signer or party named in the document. At Notary College, we don’t mess around. The University President who signed your diplomas wasn’t coerced into signing them. In that case, it was a free act and deed. Although with the student debt you’ll be paying off for the next thirty years, it was anything but “free.”

As you go through life, remember to always give back. Unless we’re talking about chewed on pens. Those you can keep. And we’re not about to give back the fifty grand you still owe us. So chew on that.

The only thing greater than the power of higher education is Power of Attorney. Or the Principal, the person who signs the power of attorney to allow the attorney-in-fact to have certain powers to act on behalf of the principal. Or the power of flipping off drivers who cut you off on the way to a signing. Or power naps. They’re incredibly powerful as the dozens of you who dozed when I started speaking would attest to if you weren’t busy snoring right now.

In closing, never let your interest in documents expire. Never let your commission expire. And take your years of college protest and turn them into an actual “protest”: a formal declaration made by a notary declaring a default in payment on a promissory note. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my speech has been boring enough for me to join you in that power nap!

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December 5, 2019

The 50th Notary High School Reunion

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 6:09 am

The 50th Notary High School Reunion

What could be more exciting than attending the biggest notary high school reunion of them all, the big 5-0? A chance to feel great that the cool kids grew up to be old and dumpy. And the geeks grew up to be old and dumpy. It’s the 50th. You were expecting “svelte?”

Jill: Hi?? … (noticing Jack’s notary high school picture nametag): Ohhhhh… Jack! Sorry for your loss.

Jack: Yeah, I went bald in notary college. You still look hot.

Jill: Thanks!

Jack: As in hot flash.

Jill: Menopause happened back in my fifties, so I’ll take that as a compliment. Are you still performing Notarial Acts?

Jack: I still witness signatures. The ones my kids make trying to sign me into a home.

Jill: At 68, they’re trying to put you in a nursing home? That’s not very nice.

Jack: I’m joking. I retired last year. Made a killing.

Jill: That’s great. How did you do it?

Jack: I was a notary specialist. My clients were all octopuses. Eight arms. Eight signatures.

Jill: That adds up. Remember our teachers in Notary Junior High? Mr. Guther?

Jack: How could I forget? He suspended me for embossing my private parts.

Jill: Oh yeah! You were a wild kid.

Jack: But I got an A in shop class for making the stamping device.

Jill: You affixed it to a tangible record, all right.

Jack: Weren’t you a cheerleader back then?

Jill: I sure was. I still remember our chant. “Give me an A, give me an F, give me an F, give me an I, give me a D, give me an A, give me a V, give me an I, give me a T, what’s that spell?

Jack: Affidavit?

Jill: I don’t know. I was a great cheerleader but a lousy speller.

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November 23, 2019

Trump Rallies the Notary-publicans

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 5:53 am

Trump Rallies the Notary-publicans

President Trump took his reelection campaign to the heart of notary country today to try to rally his base.

DJT: Look at this crowd of notaries! This is an even bigger crowd than the crowd who showed up for my Inaugural. There must be dozens and dozens of you. Whoever booked me for this time waster, as in my old job… “You’re fired.”

I’ve gotten more done for notaries in my first two and a half years than Presidents Obama and Bush put together. The numbers of jobs for notaries witnessing the signings of executive orders putting immigrant kids in cages is through the roof, am I right? And it’s a beautiful, fantastic roof. Almost as beautiful as the wall I’m pretending to build I pretended Mexico would pay for.

I see a lot of credible witnesses in the crowd. I’m talking about a third person who personally knows the document signer and verifies the signer’s identity. And look, there’s the anything but credible witness, Don Junior. Chin up, Don. Oh, it’s already up? I couldn’t see it – it’s a very weak chin. Takes after one of my ex-wives, not me. Except for the “anything but credible” part. There he’s a chip off the old block.

We’re gonna have fantastic Errors and Omissions insurance for all you notaries. That’s because I want to protect a notary from any mistake that causes a financial loss to a client, so you won’t be sued for recovery, okay? I know all about being sued. You know who needs Errors and Omissions insurance? The fake news. I see you out there. CNN. MSNBC. They omit things all the time. Like how unbelievable fantastic I am. They make errors all the time. Like that footage of me walking up to Air Force One with toilet paper stuck on my shoe. It wasn’t toilet paper!

It was the Constitution. By the time I got done trampling over it, it looked like toilet paper, okay? And there was no collusion. No obstruction. That last one was a lie but I throw you so many, who can keep up?

And the Dems want to impeach me, because they’re bad, bad, disgusting, horrible people. And I’ll never resign. Whereas if you notaries resign your commission, you have to notify the Secretary of State’s office within 30 days. And not Secretary of State Crooked Hillary. That’s right…“Lock her up!” “Lock her up!” Wait, you’re not chanting it right. It’s “her,” not “him.” Stop chanting “Lock him up!” I’m not rooming with that mouth breather Michael Cohen! Forget it. Or Manafort. Do you know he dyes his hair?

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September 7, 2018

Introducing the 2019 Notaries!

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 7:30 am

Introducing the 2019 Notaries!

Trade in your old worn out notaries, everybody. They’re so last year. The new models are arriving with more exciting options than ever!

Forget driving customers crazy by misinterpreting notary law or explaining options to them versus choosing. The new 2019s are… SELF-driving customers crazy!

The new models don’t give the signer the choice between an oath and an affirmation. They always choose affirmation, to automatically not offend the politically correct.

The new models can notarize in reverse, which is handy if you have a reverse mortgage.

The old models were slow in accelerating but very good at braking. The new models go from zero to sixty signings in 2.3 seconds.
With the 2019s, you can enjoy the luxury of leaving drinks on a table during a signing without leaving those telltale rings that could annoy your client. The new models include cupholders for those drinks!

The old models needed witnesses to observe the execution of a document. All the new models need is Siri.

The 2019s have more horsepower of attorney.

The 2019 notaries automatically brake when the signer slows down.

The 2019s no longer just affix seals to documents. They beam them there.

And fake signature alerts are standard on all ‘19s.

If you want your documents automatically signed, sealed and delivered… you’ll have to wait for the ‘20s!

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February 10, 2017

A Notary goes Public on Shark Tank with Shazamdocs!

First up into the tank: A way to keep records on how long companies take to send electronic documents.

NOTARY: Hi, Sharks. I’m Jeremy. And I’m asking for $200,000 for twenty percent of my company, Shazamdocs. Sharks, there’s one thing that matters in life more than looking as dapper as Mr. Wonderful here.

MR. WONDERFUL: He knows of what he speaks.

LAURIE: He’s kissing up and I’m throwing up.

MR. WONDERFUL: Hush. Grab a breath mint.

NOTARY: What matters in life, whether you’re sharks or whether you’re a notary, is knowing when you’ll be paid!

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re speaking my language, son. The language of luv… of money.

NOTARY: The database on Shazamdocs monitors how long companies take to send electronic documents, and… by virtue of our exclusive algorithms… computes the average amount of time it takes to get paid. No longer will you have to waste your precious time and resources hitching yourself to companies that drag their feet when it comes to upholding their end of the transactions.

DAYMOND: Feet dragging is a drag.

NOTARY: We’re like Yelp for notaries. With your help, sharks, we’ll get this in the homes of notaries throughout the country, and after that, the world! Who wants to show this notary their own seal… of approval?

ROBERT: You, yourself, said you’re like Yelp for notaries. There’s nothing proprietary about that.

NOTARY: I’ve applied for a utility patent.

CUBAN: You’ll never get it.

LAURIE: Mark.

CUBAN: What? He’s living a pipe dream. What’s to stop anybody from charting the records of companies to see how quickly they pay their bills?

NOTARY: Nobody does it like we do.

CUBAN: I’m out.

MR. WONDERUL: Ouch.

CUBAN: What about you, Kevin? You said the guy knows of what he speaks.

MR. WONDERFUL: That’s when he was complimenting my impossibly dapper qualities.

LAURIE: You got the impossibly part right.

ROBERT: What do you sell the program for and what are your sales?

NOTARY: I sell it with an annual subscription rate of 19.95. And we’re in pre-launch.

DAYMOND: Uh-oh. So you’ve made bupkis.

ROBERT: Daymond, I didn’t even know you were Jewish!

MR. WONDERFUL: I’ll make you an offer. I don’t know what you’re worth, I’m taking a heck of a risk, but I’ll go on the ride with you. There are plenty of notaries who need greater assurances they’ll get paid faster. But $200,000 at twenty percent assumes a value of a million dollars. You’re not there yet. I’ll give you the $200,000. But I want forty percent of the business.

CUBAN/DAYMOND/ROBERT: Oy.

LAURIE: You’re all Jewish now.

MR. WONDERFUL: I hear the other sharks flapping their gums, but I don’t hear anyone putting their money where their yappers are. I made you an offer, Jeremy. What do you say?

NOTARY: I appreciate the offer, Mr. Wonderful.

ROBERT: If I brought a notary in, would you swear to that?

NOTARY: But with all due respect, that’s giving up too much equity. I’d like to hear what the remaining sharks have to say.

LAURIE: As you know, Jeremy, as I’ve said many times on Shark Tank. I can tell when something’s a zero. And I can tell when something’s a hero. And this… is most definitely… a thirty. Better than zero, but nowhere near a hero. I’m out.

ROBERT: Laurie, you were toying with the man.

LAURIE: No, I wasn’t. I’m just being honest.

ROBERT: Well, Jeremy, I see nothing proprietary here. And I’m not a big notary guy. If I ever need you to witness something, I’ll be a customer. But I don’t see it as an investment. I’m out.

CUBAN: So that leaves Mr. Wonderful’s less than wonderful offer. And Mr.Daymond.

DAYMOND: I hate it when companies drag their feet before paying somebody what they’re owed, so I’m with you there.

JEREMY: Would you consider joining up with Mr. Wonderful?

DAYMOND: As much as it pains me to say it, I might do the deal with Kevin, if he’s up for it.

MR. WONDERFUL: I’d do that deal. But, Jeremy, you’d be getting two sharks.

JEREMY: Would the both of you consider the deal for… thirty percent equity?

DAYMOND: 100 K each at fifteen percent each? What do you think, Kevin?

MR. WONDERFUL: I’ll do it with one contingency. That we test the accuracy of your program on us. If your program can tell us how long it’ll be before we pay you the 200 K, I’m in.

DAYMOND: Me too.

JEREMY: Right away?

MR. WONDERFUL: Sorry. I would’ve paid you after hell freezes over.

DAYMOND: Me too.

MR. WONDERFUL/DAYMOND: I’m out!

.

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February 3, 2017

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Comprehensive Guides,Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 9:04 pm

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Getting paid is serious business. But in this blog, we’re going “goofy.”

REVERSE MORTGAGES

Segagtrom. So much for literally reversing “mortgages.” In the reverse mortgage I’ll be referring to here, you get paid before you do the signing. If they don’t pay you ahead of time, charge 150 bucks. If they don’t pay you that, reverse the charges on the UPS. You can also drive in reverse to the signing. Unless you happen to be in a parking lot, in which case backing up causes serious tire damage. I can back that up in a notarized statement.

INSPECTIONS

When you inspect a house by taking photos, if it’s cheesy looking, tell it to smile and say cheese. If there are lines from broken plaster on the wall they don’t want you to shoot, charge them extra to Photoshop the lines out. Charge twenty to thirty dollars for inspection, unless the photos need touchup. When you visit their restroom and inspect their medicine cabinet, charge them a snooping fee.

REFINANCING

When getting signatures for mortgage signings, charge them a
re-re-re-re-re-refinancing fee if the signer stutters.

EDOCS OR DOCUMENTS

Ink is to a printer what cocaine is to a dealer. The first sample is free, and then they have you hooked on a very expensive habit. So be sure to charge accordingly for depleting your ink supply as you type out documents. Make sure they don’t pay you with money they printed out on their printers. Although the ink would probably be worth more than the money.

TRAVEL FEE FOR MOBILE NOTARIES

It’s been years since doctors made house calls. If you’re making a house call to notarize something, you better make sure you’re compensated for such service. Some charge by the mile, some charge by the amount of time to get there. As for the comedic price list, charge them like Dominos Pizza. They’ll get a free signing if you don’t arrive within thirty minutes or less. And when you do arrive, make sure you act extra cheesy. And top it off with an extra signature. If the signing is late at night, charge them a surcharge. If they treat you with disrespect, charge them a you-forgot-to-call-me “sir” charge.

LATE FEES

If they’re not ready for you when you arrive for the signing, charge them a late fee. If they’re not ready for you when you arrive because they’re dead, charge the next-of-kin a late, late fee. If it’s so late that it’s technically the wee hours of the morning, charge them an early fee. If they can’t pay you till tomorrow, charge them a late fee for the early fee. If they can’t pay you till after the both of you sit down and finish watching an old movie on TV, charge them a late, late show late fee for the early fee.

WAITING FEES

The more you wait to be paid, the more you charge them. If you wait till hell freezes over, charge them a waiting/defrosting fee. You’re like a taxi stuck in park with the meter running. If they haven’t reached the destination yet but they’re still your client, that will cost them. That should give you a lift. (Or for the cabbie and Uber haters out there, “Lyft”)

.

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January 6, 2017

Notary Purgatory

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:51 am

Notary purgatory

After a notary’s lived a not so exalted life (authenticating less than authentic documents) but not so awful life (remembering to replace his expired commission and milk) he may not be headed for heaven or hell but somewhere in between: Notary purgatory. It’s a temporary way station. The gates of heaven are on one side, gates of hell on the other. The hell of indecision is magnified here, so you’re undecided about which place you want to ultimately wind up in. Maybe you aren’t sure which destination you deserve, and maybe neither is God! You always get paid but never get paid that well. You always get clients but they always micromanage you. You start out writing a blog you think has possibilities and it winds up having zilch. Uh-oh, I’ve entered Notary Hell! In Notary Hell, what you get paid for in signings gets eaten up and then some by the cost of gas to get there.

In Notary Hell, you get bitten by the rabid dogs of clients. In Notary Purgatory, you get bitten by the clients. In Notary Hell, you witness your clients having sex. In Notary Purgatory, you witness your clients’ dogs having sex. In regular hell, you witness your parents having sex, but let’s not go there. In Buddhist Notary Purgatory, you’d witness 31 planes of existence. You’ll find Baskin-Robbins here, but the fact all 31 flavors are melted is more hellish than purgatory-ish.

In Notary Hell, the signers all use invisible ink and you don’t get paid. In Notary Purgatory, you do get paid but you spend it all on lottery tickets.

The only way to move from Notary Purgatory to Notary Heaven is to have a righteous state of mind. This may not apply, however, in the state of New Jersey.

.

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November 14, 2016

Trump caught on mike with a Notary

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Popular on Facebook (A little) — admin @ 11:10 pm

Trump Caught on Hot Mike with a Notary!

We’ve all heard the scandalous 2005 tape by now of Trump with Billy Bush talking about how he can grope women with reckless abandon, simply because he’s a star and can get away with anything. Well now 123notary has unearthed an exclusive tape from 2006 of Trump talking to a notary between takes on season 3 of The Apprentice!

Trump: Did you see that babe’s signature? That thing had more curves on it than she does. I give it a ten.

Notary: Of course I saw it. I’m a notary. Although I prefer the professional “witness” over “see”. I also prefer that other signature over there.

Trump: That’s a flat signature. A flat signature can’t be a ten. Speaking of curves, I’d like to grade her on a curve. I give her a nine. Put it this way: I wouldn’t kick her out of bed. And I can get her into bed, because I’m a star. Now, if I was grading Rosie O’Donnell on a curve, she’d be a negative three. Imagine how low she’d be if I wasn’t grading her on a curve?

Notary: Mr. Trump, why are you groping my seal?

Trump: I’m a star. I can grope anything I want to. I like how it’s not flat. Do you remember that contestant who made fun of my hair?

Notary: The one you said “you’re fired” to?

Trump: I’m suing her. I want you to notarize a demand letter.

Notary: Are you demanding I do that?

Trump: Notarize two demand letters.

Trump notices curvy contestant coming his way.

Trump: Ooh-la-la. I better down these Tic Tacs. Not that my breath isn’t the best breath that anyone ever had.

Notary: Better than a baby’s breath?

Trump: Please. My breath has it all over a baby’s breath. I like the formula for obscene wealth. Not the formula you suck on when you’re not busy sucking on… Hello, my darling!

Curvy contestant: Hi, Mr. Trump.

Trump: Good thing I’m between wives, but hey, if I can cheat on my taxes, I can cheat on wives, am I right? Don’t answer that question, I’m always right. I did have that threesome once when I was literally between wives.

Curvy contestant: I like your hair.

Notary: (Re: not having to sue her.) At least it’s not three demand letters.

Trump: Want to touch it?

Curvy contestant touches it.

Trump: It’s real. As real as what I’m staring at right now.

Curvy contestant: They’re fake.

Trump: Make that…

Notary: Three demand letters. (to curvy contestant) You just implied his hair is fake.

Curvy contestant: Would you sign my breasts?

Trump: I’d be happy to. Cancel the demand letter.

Notary: Would you like me to witness that?

Curvy contestant: Pervert.

Notary: No, I’m a notary. I can help make his signature on your breasts official.

Trump: Even if your rack isn’t “official,” am I right? Don’t answer that, I’m always right. Let’s see, where’s my Trump pen? Unbelievable pen. Every Trump University graduate gets one.

Trump signs away. A little too hard. In a beat, we hear… PHTTTTTTTTTTT. At this deflated moment, Trump responds…

Trump: Your nine just became a one.

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October 21, 2016

Building a Wall Around Signing Companies

BUILDING A WALL AROUND SIGNING COMPANIES

Signing companies are invading our territory. They’re lowering rates for signings, not paying people, and micromanaging the people doing signings.

We will build a wall around these signing companies. And let the signing companies not paying people on time pay for it. The good notaries will make good people sign their legible signatures on the wall. The bad notaries will turn to petty crime and write illegible graffiti on the wall.

In addition to the signing companies, too many new notaries are invading our territory, willing to do twenty dollar signings. They’re killers… of the marketplace by working for cheap. Others are executors… of documents that have something wrong with them. . Others are improperly backdating… Or allowing clients to sign incorrectly… They’re misidentifying people… They’re not administering oaths properly…

We will make notaries great again. They’ll become certified on 123notary.com. They’ll start winning again. Believe me, they’ll get so tired of winning, they’ll start losing their minds just to remember what losing feels like!

We’ll impose a temporary ban on all lousy notaries until we can figure out what the hell is going on. We’ll deport the notaries who aren’t doing their jobs back to where they came from, unless they’re already citizens, in which case we’ll export them to countries we’re not that crazy about. We’ll let them come back legally – by letting a competent notary make them swear they won’t screw things up the next time around.

And when that’s finished, we’ll build a wall around my mouth.

In answer to Bernie Sanders and Pink Floyd… We don’t need no (free) education! All in all it’s just another brick in the wall!

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