Andy Cowan Archives - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
123Notary

Notary Blog – Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice – 123notary.com Control Panel

January 6, 2017

Notary Purgatory

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:51 am

Notary purgatory

After a notary’s lived a not so exalted life (authenticating less than authentic documents) but not so awful life (remembering to replace his expired commission and milk) he may not be headed for heaven or hell but somewhere in between: Notary purgatory. It’s a temporary way station. The gates of heaven are on one side, gates of hell on the other. The hell of indecision is magnified here, so you’re undecided about which place you want to ultimately wind up in. Maybe you aren’t sure which destination you deserve, and maybe neither is God! You always get paid but never get paid that well. You always get clients but they always micromanage you. You start out writing a blog you think has possibilities and it winds up having zilch. Uh-oh, I’ve entered Notary Hell! In Notary Hell, what you get paid for in signings gets eaten up and then some by the cost of gas to get there.

In Notary Hell, you get bitten by the rabid dogs of clients. In Notary Purgatory, you get bitten by the clients. In Notary Hell, you witness your clients having sex. In Notary Purgatory, you witness your clients’ dogs having sex. In regular hell, you witness your parents having sex, but let’s not go there. In Buddhist Notary Purgatory, you’d witness 31 planes of existence. You’ll find Baskin-Robbins here, but the fact all 31 flavors are melted is more hellish than purgatory-ish.

In Notary Hell, the signers all use invisible ink and you don’t get paid. In Notary Purgatory, you do get paid but you spend it all on lottery tickets.

The only way to move from Notary Purgatory to Notary Heaven is to have a righteous state of mind. This may not apply, however, in the state of New Jersey.

Share
>

December 10, 2016

Russian notary Hacks Hillary’s Emails!

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 6:13 am

FBI director Comey thinks the Russians may have hacked Hilary Clinton’s emails. (And that’s pronounced “Comey,” not “commie.”) And it could very well be a Russian notary! Then again, it might not be a Russian notary. Or it might be somebody who wants you to think he’s a Russian notary. And these could be duplicates of emails Comey has already seen. Comey is sure of one thing. That he’s not sure of this one thing.

Nevertheless, speculation continues that a Soviet notary public has hacked into Clinton’s most sensitive emails. How do we know they’re sensitive? The smiley faces aren’t quite smiling. More like biting their tongues.

Since some of the emails were duplicates, the notary wanted to charge extra for duplicates. (A buck’s a buck, or as the Russian notary put it, a ruble’s a ruble.) But the government refused to pay more, so the notary suggested a nice game of Russian roulette instead. And being a gentleman, he’d let the government “go” first. The notary lived to complain in the 123Notary form about not being paid enough.

A sign it could be a notary who did the hacking: They fixated on one of the terms in one of the emails, “executor,” a person in charge of carrying out the provisions of a will. One sign it could be a Russian notary approved by Putin: Their fixation on “executor” as it relates to a person in charge of causing another person to need a will… namely, the person who executes the other person! Let’s not forget Putin was former member of the KGB.

Hillary’s emails were found on a computer used by her assistant, Huma Abedin, and notorious sexter, Anthony Weiner. The same computer on which Weiner wrote about his no longer private parts to various women. In one email, the Russian notary validated they were indeed Weiner’s private parts, and that he was of full age and capacity to perform as a sleaze by stamping it with his seal of disapproval.

Other classified emails of Hillary’s the Russian notary is interested in… when she accused Trump of being a puppet for Putin. The notary asked which kind of puppet she accused Trump of being, a hand puppet, or marionette? If the latter, the notary wondered why Hillary wouldn’t thereby feel a kinship with the Donald since there are always strings attached with Hillary as well, something the notary had acknowledged in an acknowledgment certificate.

If Hillary becomes president, instead of the Chief Justice witnessing her taking the oath of office, the Russian notary asked why not a professional? Namely, a notary? Plus he’d be able to witness her signature on her first veto – when Republicans in Congress vote to make America grating again.

Share
>

November 14, 2016

Trump caught on mike with a Notary

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 11:10 pm

Trump Caught on Hot Mike with a Notary!

We’ve all heard the scandalous 2005 tape by now of Trump with Billy Bush talking about how he can grope women with reckless abandon, simply because he’s a star and can get away with anything. Well now 123notary has unearthed an exclusive tape from 2006 of Trump talking to a notary between takes on season 3 of The Apprentice!

Trump: Did you see that babe’s signature? That thing had more curves on it than she does. I give it a ten.

Notary: Of course I saw it. I’m a notary. Although I prefer the professional “witness” over “see”. I also prefer that other signature over there.

Trump: That’s a flat signature. A flat signature can’t be a ten. Speaking of curves, I’d like to grade her on a curve. I give her a nine. Put it this way: I wouldn’t kick her out of bed. And I can get her into bed, because I’m a star. Now, if I was grading Rosie O’Donnell on a curve, she’d be a negative three. Imagine how low she’d be if I wasn’t grading her on a curve?

Notary: Mr. Trump, why are you groping my seal?

Trump: I’m a star. I can grope anything I want to. I like how it’s not flat. Do you remember that contestant who made fun of my hair?

Notary: The one you said “you’re fired” to?

Trump: I’m suing her. I want you to notarize a demand letter.

Notary: Are you demanding I do that?

Trump: Notarize two demand letters.

Trump notices curvy contestant coming his way.

Trump: Ooh-la-la. I better down these Tic Tacs. Not that my breath isn’t the best breath that anyone ever had.

Notary: Better than a baby’s breath?

Trump: Please. My breath has it all over a baby’s breath. I like the formula for obscene wealth. Not the formula you suck on when you’re not busy sucking on… Hello, my darling!

Curvy contestant: Hi, Mr. Trump.

Trump: Good thing I’m between wives, but hey, if I can cheat on my taxes, I can cheat on wives, am I right? Don’t answer that question, I’m always right. I did have that threesome once when I was literally between wives.

Curvy contestant: I like your hair.

Notary: (Re: not having to sue her.) At least it’s not three demand letters.

Trump: Want to touch it?

Curvy contestant touches it.

Trump: It’s real. As real as what I’m staring at right now.

Curvy contestant: They’re fake.

Trump: Make that…

Notary: Three demand letters. (to curvy contestant) You just implied his hair is fake.

Curvy contestant: Would you sign my breasts?

Trump: I’d be happy to. Cancel the demand letter.

Notary: Would you like me to witness that?

Curvy contestant: Pervert.

Notary: No, I’m a notary. I can help make his signature on your breasts official.

Trump: Even if your rack isn’t “official,” am I right? Don’t answer that, I’m always right. Let’s see, where’s my Trump pen? Unbelievable pen. Every Trump University graduate gets one.

Trump signs away. A little too hard. In a beat, we hear… PHTTTTTTTTTTT. At this deflated moment, Trump responds…

Trump: Your nine just became a one.

Share
>

November 12, 2016

Notarizing the Health Records of Hillary and Trump

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:03 pm

Notarizing the Health Records of Hillary and Trump

Are you sick of the presidential election season yet? It doesn’t matter how sick you are of that, or how sick you may be from actual maladies as far as the overall electorate is concerned. But if you’re running for president, we need to know you have a clean bill of health. And with Trump’s hippy-dippy doctor declaring him the most amazingly fit candidate ever to run for president (an assessment that the doc himself said took five minutes to come up with) and with Hillary’s wobbliness in the heat turning out to be mild pneumonia, we need to be sure their medical records are official and legit. What better time for Notaries Public to do just that by serving your country and notarizing the health records of our potential leaders?

First there’s Trump. Can he swear under oath his prostate isn’t enlarged? Doubtful for a man of 70, but perhaps. Or compared to his tiny hands, maybe his prostate just seems enlarged. Can he swear under oath his ego isn’t enlarged? Even more doubtful. But if he does manage to swear under oath, it will be the best, most amazing, fantastic swearing under oath any future president has ever done, believe him! And if you believe that, you’ll believe he’ll have Mexico pay for his wall of silence over his tax returns.

Then there’s Hillary. She takes medicine for an underactive thyroid. Can she swear under oath her tendency to delete important emails will be even less active than that thyroid of hers? If she was a little fuzzy on what constitutes “classified” information, and the potential first first gentleman parsed the definition of “is” during Monicagate, can a notary confidently affix his seal on documents that champion their exercise regimens for staying in shape by “bending” things (like the truth)? Just being an equal opportunity offender here. P.S.: Bending the truth beats eviscerating it, but enough about the Donald.

Speaking of which, Trump is borderline obese. If he’s not going to lose the comb-over, he should at least try losing a few pounds. He should admit to the notary public that he is aware of his borderline obesity and the consequences of executing the document by signing it, stating he promises to lose a few pounds. Fat chance, even fatter than his BMI. (Body mass index.)

And Hillary should sign a document admitting the how truly sick she is… of Trump. You don’t expect her to tell us she’s really sick, do you?

I’m Jeremy, and I approved this equally partisan message.

Share
>

November 11, 2016

The Notary Asylum

The Notary Asylum

We all know what the process is to become a notary — filling out the forms, applying to our Secretary of State, getting our seal, etc. But, what the State Notary Handbook doesn’t tell you is what becomes of Notaries who become crazy as a result of being a Notary.

There are lots of stress-inducers in this business. There are signing companies that don’t pay. Others like to micromanage. Constantly ringing phones, constant excuses for why the money hasn’t arrived when it was supposed to already. These are ingredients for frustration in the sanest of people. Borrowers who want to comb over every page when you’re already late for your next appointment! If our Founding Fathers had dilly-dallied over the signing of the Declaration of Independence as long, they would have told more people than Benjamin Franklin to go fly a kite! Some mistreat their Notaries. Call it Notary Abuse. Some send late eDocuments or send you to borrowers that aren’t even home and didn’t know they had a signing after they instructed you — “don’t call the borrowers.” Inaccurate or missing information is another recipe for frustration. Rates are often different from what was quoted. So no wonder an increasing rate of Notaries are developing varying signs of insanity. There needs to be a place for Notaries who have lost their documents… and minds. So, we decided to create one. It’s called — The Notary Asylum!

NOTARY #1: I run SnapDocs

NOTARY #2: No I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: I think that both of you have a share in SnapDocs.

NOTARY #1: No, he doesn’t — I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: Last week you said you ran 123notary

NOTARY #1: Well that was last week. This week I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: You seem agitated. That’s not a good sign.

NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

NOTARY #2: You said “sign.”

NOTARY #1: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: Sorry. Forget about your work. You don’t need me to… the s word… any document. You needn’t get all fired up about it.

NOTARY #2: Speaking of fired, last week I ran the NNA. I fired a lot of people too.

DOCTOR: Well, what does your paperwork say? Do you have documents proving your ownership?

NOTARY #1: I don’t need to.

NOTARY #2: I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid. Shoot Docs never paid me.

DOCTOR: There is no Shoot Docs.

NOTARY #2: Are you going to not pay me as well? You never pay me.

DOCTOR: I am a psychiatric analyst. It is not my job to pay you. The state pays me.

NOTARY #2: Well at least somebody pays somebody around here.

DOCTOR: You’re both fine looking patients.

NOTARY #1: I don’t call paying us compliments paying us.

DOCTOR: I was just giving you my seal of approval.

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: “Seal.” Sorry, I give you my oath…

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: … that I’ll be more careful next time. As for now, I recommend that both of you take a break from… you know. Enjoy something that doesn’t remind you of your… you know.

NOTARY #1: That sounds wonderful.

DOCTOR: I’m releasing the both of you. Fill these prescriptions at your pharmacy. It’ll help you relax.

NOTARY #2: (reading) You forgot to sign it.

DOCTOR and NOTARY #1 and NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

One way to restore your sanity in the notary world: Know that you’re not alone if frustrations sometimes get the better of you. Being aware of what can go wrong can sometimes prepare you to ride out the frustrations when they occur. If you develop a Zen-like attitude and let at least some of it roll off your back, the next time a vendor doesn’t have yours (back, that is) you’ll commit yourself to moving on, not the notary asylum!

.

You might also like:

Notarizing a voice
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2653

Woody Allen gets Notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14709

Share
>

November 4, 2016

Comedy Central Notary Roast

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 10:29 pm

JEREMY: Welcome to the first Comedy Central Notary Roast. World class comedians are about to “pay tribute to” our Notary of the hour, Alex!

Welcome an old hand at roasting, and I do mean old, ladies and gentlemen, the mouth that roared, but never bored, Don Rickles.

DON RICKLES: Thank you for that incredible honor. A sign your career is in the dumper – when you’re trashing a notary instead of what you usually do – ignoring one. “Sign”. That’s Alex’s idea of a good time. Dreamt big, huh, Alex? What’s the matter – being a lawn jockey was already taken? But no, without notaries, where would this country be? Beating the Chinese, that’s where we’d be. A lot of help you’ve been, you dumb hocky puck. I kid Alex, but all kidding aside, the next time I need something certified, I’ll be sure to give you a call. Am I allowed to certify that you’re boring, or do I need my seal for that? (BARKING LIKE A SEAL)

JEREMY: Thank you, Don RIckles! That man always makes me laugh. But then again, so does diphtheria. And now, speaking of diseases, please welcome the woman who’s been sanitized for our protection, except when it comes to her mouth… Amy Schumer!

AMY SCHUMER: Thank you! Don, I don’t care how old you are, I’d still do you. Then again, I’d do a banana. So nice to be here honoring Alex. Notaries are so hot! But don’t make me swear to that under penalty of perjury. Then again I &$%!! swear all the time. Alex, show me your seal, and I’ll show you my seal of approval. Oh no, Alex is having a heart attack! I guess the excitement of hearing the first woman in history come on to a notary was too much for him. Oh, never mind. It’s not a heart attack after all. He’s clutching the pen in his pocket protector, not his heart. Alex, let your hair down and leave the work at your office! Your office – that’s your car, right? Oh, it’s his home. Well, at least you can afford a car/home. It’s a rental? Sorry Alex. I’ll stick with the banana.

JEREMY: Thank you, Amy Schumer! You remind me of Times Square on New Year’s Eve… trashy. And now let’s give it up for… Chris Rock!

CHRIS ROCK: I’m not surprised to see that Alex ain’t black. I don’t know too many brothers who are notaries. We’re great at having people sign stuff if it’s graffiti on a honkey’s wall. Whereas Alex here, he’s the real deal. Who was your idol growing up? Mine was Richard Pryor, Johnny Carson, Bill Cosby. Two out of three ain’t bad. Alex’s was the credible witness who provides a way to positively identify a signer who lacks satisfactory identification documents. Alex, you’re livin’ the dream. If you’re lucky, one day, you’ll get to watch paint dry. What do you learn at notary public school anyway? Can you learn how to whup somebody’s ass? If not, what good is it?

JEREMY: Thank you, Chris Rock. And last but not least, let’s welcome him while he isn’t in a car getting coffee… Jerry Seinfeld!

JERRY SEINFELD: Who better than I, Jerry Seinfeld, to close this roast? My show was about nothing. And this man, Alex, is clearly… about nothing. Some parents want their kids to grow up to be doctors… lawyers…entrepreneurs. Alex’s parents wanted him to show him a sign of wanting to grow up to be a doctor… a lawyer… an entrepreneur. And Alex, a man who clearly thinks inside, not outside, of the box, took his parents literally. I’ll show you a sign… Here’s a sign, or signing. There’s a signing. Mom, dad, I want to be a notary public! Of course, his folks said, “Can’t you be a notary private? We’d rather not have the neighbors find out.”

JEREMY: Ladies and gentleman… the notary of the hour… welcome… Alex!

ALEX, THE NOTARY: Wow, this has been unbelievable. Jerry, your signature is the funniest one I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of funny signatures. Chris, I know plenty of black notaries. Or maybe they’re white guys covered up with ink. Amy, I’m thrilled you were flirting with me. Then again, no one ever has before, so I don’t actually know what flirting looks like. And Don Rickles, you are my hero. I’m a notary, so that’s not saying much. Thanks everybody… SIGNING off!

You might also like:

State of the Notary Industry Union Address
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16244

A Notary runs for president
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15263

Share
>

October 21, 2016

Building a Wall Around Signing Companies

BUILDING A WALL AROUND SIGNING COMPANIES

Signing companies are invading our territory. They’re lowering rates for signings, not paying people, and micromanaging the people doing signings.

We will build a wall around these signing companies. And let the signing companies not paying people on time pay for it. The good notaries will make good people sign their legible signatures on the wall. The bad notaries will turn to petty crime and write illegible graffiti on the wall.

In addition to the signing companies, too many new notaries are invading our territory, willing to do twenty dollar signings. They’re killers… of the marketplace by working for cheap. Others are executors… of documents that have something wrong with them. . Others are improperly backdating… Or allowing clients to sign incorrectly… They’re misidentifying people… They’re not administering oaths properly…

We will make notaries great again. They’ll become certified on 123notary.com. They’ll start winning again. Believe me, they’ll get so tired of winning, they’ll start losing their minds just to remember what losing feels like!

We’ll impose a temporary ban on all lousy notaries until we can figure out what the hell is going on. We’ll deport the notaries who aren’t doing their jobs back to where they came from, unless they’re already citizens, in which case we’ll export them to countries we’re not that crazy about. We’ll let them come back legally – by letting a competent notary make them swear they won’t screw things up the next time around.

And when that’s finished, we’ll build a wall around my mouth.

In answer to Bernie Sanders and Pink Floyd… We don’t need no (free) education! All in all it’s just another brick in the wall!

You might also like:

Notary Happy Days goes to China!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16536

Charlie Rose interviews a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16530

Jesus the Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16518

Alice in Notary wonderland
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16140

Share
>

October 7, 2016

Notary Funeral — When the Commission Expired

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , — admin @ 12:03 pm

NOTARY FUNERAL – WHEN THE COMMISSION EXPIRED

We’re gathered here today to celebrate the life and times of a man who made the world a better place. Since he’s no longer here, I don’t have to swear to that. He first knew he wanted to make a mark on the world when he asked to witness others making marks on pieces of paper. Other kids learned the three Rs. Our friend who we miss so learned the three-kinda-looks-like-Rs-but-better-make-sure-they’re-legible-before-he-definitely-calls-them-Rs. He was accepted as a Navy Seal, but chose to join the Notary Seals. His most dangerous mission – asking for Edward Scissorhands’ signature. He switched from pre-med to pre-notary in college, because he wanted to witness legible handwriting instead of his own horrendous handwriting had he stayed a doctor.

He was a good man who never backdated. He met his dear wife on the notary dating site, affiant.com. His wife tried to get his death certificate notarized, not realizing you can’t notarize vital records. We don’t measure his life in years, but the number of commissions he held, ever since he was of legal age. He signed, sealed, and now he shall be delivered.

Instead of being cremated, he requested to be shredded.

In lieu of flowers, his family requests pens. He never had enough pens.

You might also like:

Notary Hell — Yeah, but it’s a dry heat
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13196

Witnessing intake forms for Notary heaven
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8832

Share
>

September 21, 2016

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

For those who don’t know that “phat” is a funky way of saying “excellent,” now you do. Phat! (Next time your girlfriend asks, “Do I look phat in this?” tell her yes!) And geeks are excellent too. We’re all computer geeks now. Those of us who aren’t need a computer geek. This is the short story of the marriage of two very specific subsets of geeks – Notary geeks.

Notary geeks live and breathe all things notaries. And when two such geeks find each other, it could be time to relay each other’s seals of approval, whose terms expire when death do they part. Plus they’ll never cheat on each other, because rather than swear at meddling relatives, these two swear to take an oath. When your promise to be faithful is under oath, it makes for a lot less cheating later on. In “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” breaking plates created pandemonium. In “My Big Phat Geek Wedding,” it’s breaking oaths.

Rather than look forward to the “deed” come the honeymoon night, our geeks look forward to overseeing a document by which a relative transfers property… the “deed.” Rather than using Windex on every ill from psoriasis to poison ivy, our geeks consider such a thing “malfeasance.”

Finally, unlike “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” our geeks aren’t planning a lame sequel, “My Big Phat Geek Wedding 2.” Unless you call an “attested copy,” a copy of an original document, lame. Or a sequel.

Phat chance!

Short of a sequel, our story took a dramatic turn when, at the Big Fat Greek wedding when Sheldon and Raj from “Big Bang Theory” showed up…

Sheldon: “We’re here!”

Raj: “What’s with all the souvlaki?”

Sheldon: “I thought this was a geek wedding, not a Greek wedding.”

Raj: “I guess we misread the invitation.”

You might also like:

Can a Notary perform a wedding?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1891

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15132

Cortez was shocked when the Aztec Notaries wanted it signed in blood!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14693

Share
>

August 24, 2016

Trump — Making American Notaries Great Again

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again

We’ve heard a lot about Trump wanting to make America great again. But can he make your notary practice great again if it isn’t already? Or have you hit the wall? Or does he have to build the wall and then make Mexico pay for it? He says America doesn’t win anymore. Are you winning? Thanks to NAFTA, Mexican notaries are allowed to enter the United States and perform work as notaries. But because they charge so little, the only way Americans could survive was to build a wall made of used notary seals.

THE DONALD: The notaries love me. And by the way, the notaries love me. I repeat myself a lot. And by the way, I repeat myself a lot.

NOTARY: I’m undecided about who to vote for. Why should I vote for you?

THE DONALD: Our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. I will make American notaries great again. I’m gonna bring notary jobs back to America. I will be the greatest notary jobs president God ever created.

NOTARY: Would you swear to that under oath?

THE DONALD: I will swear to Justice Roberts on a bible on January 20th. Until then, I’ll swear at my campaign rallies.

NOTARY: Well, you have been married three times. You know a lot about witnessing signatures on divorce papers.

THE DONALD: More than Hillary! She’s a disaster. She could have at least left Bill during MonicaGate, but no. She stuck by his side. Pathetic.

NOTARY: Why shouldn’t I vote for Ted Cruz?

THE DONALD: Lyin’ Ted? He wants to shred Iran’s nuclear deal on day one. Shredding signed documents takes away notary jobs. He’d be a disaster as president.

NOTARY: Wouldn’t you need to hire more notaries to witness the signatures on the deal that replaced it?

THE DONALD: Absolutely. And I’m fine with that.

NOTARY: Hold on. A minute ago you said you were against it.

THE DONALD: I’ve evolved. Which is more than I can say for Cro-Magnon Man Cruze. Have you seen his wife? Compared to mine, she looks like a Gargoyle.

NOTARY: Well, I’m still not convinced you’re good for notaries. What about Bernie?

THE DONALD: The Communist? The only time I “feel the bern” is when I pee. Elect him and all the notaries will be getting free health care.

NOTARY: What’s wrong with that?

THE DONALD: Living longer means fewer wills to witness. When I’m elected president, believe me, half the country will jump off buildings. And if they’re lucky, one of mine. You’ll be witnessing will signings till the cows come home. Speaking of which, did you see Lyin’ Ted’s wife?

.

You might also like:

The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

A Notary runs for president
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15263

Share
>
Older Posts »