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July 2, 2020

Comedian Tiffany Haddish abducted by polite extra terrestrials

Filed under: General Stories — Tags: — admin @ 8:34 am

I have been watching Tiffany Haddish a lot on youtube. I would say she is one of the most joy inspiring and entertaining people I have ever seen. She is an accomplished comedian and actress. But, she had a rough childhood in the foster home system when her mom got locked up. Unfortunately, Tiffany claims that she had to stay in a bunk bed during her childhood in the foster care system and was physically abused by one of the other kids. From that day on, she has dreaded bunk beds. So, below is the story.

ALIEN: Hi Tiffany

TIFFANY: Oh, are you going to abduct me?

ALIEN: No, but can you like us on Facebook?

TIFFANY: That’s funny. Regular Facebook or intergalactic Facebook? I got both baby!

ALIEN: Just kidding, we are going to require your presence on our space ship.

TIFFANY: Oooh, let me get my things. This is exciting. I’ve never been abducted before. Oh, how long will this take?

ALIEN: About five days, but on earth time, you will return in about ten seconds.

TIFFANY: Confusing. Hold on…. (ten minutes later) WE READY!!! Where’s the entrance at. Oh, here it is.

(So, Tiffany and the Alien get aboard the craft.)

SNORKON: Hey Tiffany, we have been waiting for you. We’re just wondering if earth humor is the same as intergallactic humor.

TIFFANY: It might be. But, I have more pressing concerns.

ALIEN: Such as what?

TIFFANY: I wanna know how aliens dance!

SNORKON: We dance like this (fast outer-space type digital music plays while Snorkon does the “beep-beep” dance spastically jumping up and down.)

TIFFANY: Interesting. I saw something like that at the last Bar-Mitzvah I was at. You have to be 13 earth years old to have one of those.

SNORKON: By the way Tiff-Tiff, we have an expression on our planet. Once you’ve had green, you’ll know what I mean.

TIFFANY: You tryin’ to act black now?

SNORKON: Baby I don’t have to try. It comes naturally to me.

TIFFANY: I guess so. So, what’s next? Are we going to do some experiments, DNA samples> I’m down with that! Are you going to use my DNA to clone it with some of your DNA and create a hybrid creature that can be the best pilot in the galaxy and also get a few laughs while doing that?

SNORKON: We’ll let you know tomorrow. It is time for sleep in our planet. You will be sleeping in the green room here.

TIFFANY: On a bunk bed? Oh no, I don’t do bunk beds. Oh no, earth is down there 4000 miles away already. Help!!!!

(After that, Tiffany plasters herself against the window with her face and arms pressed against it looking at planet earth in the distance screaming — help!!!!!)

The End!

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July 1, 2020

Notarizing a dominitrix

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 9:20 am

NOTARY: I”m here to notarize your application.

DOMINITRIX: Oh, you must be my 4:30.

NOTARY: Excuse you me?

DOMINITRIX: Sit over there!

NOTARY: Okay.

So, the notary sits in a bench surrounded on both side by whips hanging from a board and bizarre outfits on the other side hanging on hangers. He is perplexed as he has never been to a place like this before.

DOMINTRIX: You have been very very bad. Come with me.

NOTARY: No you see, I don’t backdate — I’m not bad.

DOMINITRIX: Okay, please bend over.

NOTARY: Excuse me? You see, I’m the Notary. I’m not your client of whatever it is that you do here.

DOMINITRIX: Oh…. misunderstanding. I thought you were Frank, my 4:30 appointment. He’s the one who has been bad. Can I give you a sample anyway?

NOTARY: A sample of what dare I ask?

DOMINITRIX: Of my work. Frank looks like he is either late or not coming at all. Why don’t we notarize my form first.

NOTARY: Your ID please….. And please sign my journal here. Please sign on the x.

DOMINITRIX: I have my own X over there. But, it is not for signing, unless you want it to be.

NOTARY: Good God, what do you use that for?

DOMINITRIX: That is for restraining people.

NOTARY: I see. Hold on… Okay, your form has been notarized. That will be $50 for travel and my notary services.

DOMINTRIX: So, would you like a sample now that we are done and I have a little free time.

NOTARY: Am I going to regret this?

DOMINITRIX: Yes, but not that much. First of all, we need a safe word.

NOTARY: Okay, how about Locus Sigilli.

DOMINITRIX: Location of the stamp? How do you know Latin? That is what I studied at school.

NOTARY: It is a Notary term or “terminus notarius.”

DOMINTRIX: Now you are talking fake Latin.

NOTARY: Better than pig Latin.

DOMINITRIX: Good point. Okay, I am going to restrain you to this device. It any of my work gets to be too much, just say the safe word.

NOTARY: Deal…

So, the dominitrix proceeded to whip the Notary with over a dozen different whips, floggers, crops, and paddles and then tried to force the notary to admit to forging a signature. The Notary refused to admit it no matter how horrible the punishment was. At the end of the sample session which only lasted five minutes the dominitrix asked why he would not admit to forging the signature. The Notary said because if someone had forged the signature it would have been a client. The dominitrix admitted that he was making sense.

DOMINITRIX: One more thing.

NOTARY: Let me guess. You also do weddings and bar-mitzvahs?

DOMINITRIX: No… don’t forget your seal and journal.

NOTARY: Oh yeah… In any case…. have a nice day and most of all — don’t be bad!

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June 27, 2020

How do you find time with everything you do?

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 10:20 pm

One blog commentator wrote a response to my blog about a bar only for “cool” notaries. He asked, “Where do you find time with everything you do?”

The answer is that I get very behind on mail, cleaning the bathroom, laundry, errands, and it is embarrassing. I have vowed to be a lot more on time about mail, laundry and keeping my life in order. I realize to do that I need to focus more on cutting out activities that are less necessary so as to keep time available for things that are important or that could keep me out of trouble.

So, to answer the question of how I find time — the answer is that I am behind on so many things that perhaps I don’t have time. However, to run a successful web business, writing a good, informative and popular blog is absolutely essential, so that you could say is at the top of my priority list after answering emails and processing orders, etc.

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June 17, 2020

A Notary goes to a haunted tavern for a signing.

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 10:15 pm

I’ve experienced several of these, including the haunted building. I notarized documents in/for a bar/tavern that was on the Historic Record, was over one hundred years old, and had been a brothel at one time. Before and after Prohibition it operated in some capacity. More than one person had been killed on the premises over the years and there were some strange goings on. Photos taken in the mirror showed things you didn’t know were there, and then weren’t; you looked up into the ‘brothel’ area and could sometimes hear and see odd things; and the crawlspace was a horror all its own!

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June 13, 2020

The forces of evil can only be combated by light force

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 8:39 am

My psychic can communicate with angels who told me that from March 2020 to March 2021, they are backing off (not completely) and letting the evil forces do what they like. They want to see who will stand strong, and who will do nothing and wither away. It is not only about being a “good person” but about being motivated to be a person who is productive. Those who stand up will have a chance to be free, and those who just shrug their shoulders will end up slaves. The angels are tired of apathy. Hmmm, that is not covered in the bible. That’s a new one for me too.

In any case, the way to combat evil, darkness or the devil is easy. You need light force. But, the one place where you can create the most light force is church, synagogue, masjid, etc. But, because of social distancing you are not allowed to go to church in many states, particularly leftist states. I think this is part of the plan.

The devil wants to subjugate us, and the easiest way is to cut off our defense system — church & prayer.

My guru says that prayer is powerful, but if you pray in a group with a common thought and purpose, the power of the prayer increases exponentially. That is why church is a lot more powerful than zoom where you are all spread out.

So, my request of all Notaries who are believers is that you pray for an end to the darkness, hatred, and evil policies that strip us of our rights. We need four times the regular quantity of prayer. And if you are in a state where church is banned, then have church on the street in front of city hall or a police station to get the message out that you are not going to go down quietly. Start asserting yourself and realize that prayer is a matter of spiritual survival and not just a religious or cultural expression.

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June 11, 2020

See how good your general knowledge is

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 10:13 pm

These questions are inspired by what Jay Leno did back in the old days with Jay-walking. He asked people basic questions and recorded them giving really stupid sounding answers. I would like to know how smart regular people are answering this type of question. Perhaps I should stand on the street and interview people. A good way to make new friends and perhaps some enemies.

1. How many senators are there in the USA?

2. Which was the last state to join the union?

3. Which month do people in America get the least sleep over all?

4. What is a barometer?

5. How many planets are there in the solar system? Please name them?

6. How far is the moon from the earth?

7. What building does the House of Representatives meet in?

8. What are the Bill of Rights?

9. Locate South Korea on a map, or tell me which countries it is near?

10. How many landlocked countries in Africa can you name?

11. Name all countries bordering the USA.

12. Who won the Civil War? (And yes, I know. There was nothing civil about it.)

13. What do you call a person who lives in Denmark in terms of their nationality?

14. What are the there branches of government in the USA?

15. What is the name of the entity who gains privileges when a Power of Attorney is signed?

You can Google the answers if you don’t know. But, see how good you are. I have nothing to compare you to, so do your best.

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June 4, 2020

Notary shuts down biz because he cares more about lives than money

Filed under: General Stories — Tags: , , — admin @ 6:22 am

A Notary on Twitter claims that he shut down his notary business due to the Covid-19 virus. He claims that he did this because he cares more about saving lives than about making money.

But, if everyone stopped going to work to save lives, the supermarkets would be closed. The hospitals would all shut down. And all over services would not be available. What if someone would die because they could not reach a notary in time. Would you still be saving lives?

And you need to still make a living even if there is a disease going around. You can’t just stop living unless you are definitely infected — and in that case stay home for 14 days or so.

This notary was virtue signalling himself and patting himself on the back in a self-righteous way. But, he criticized me for being an immoral person for suggesting that he stay open. Later on he revealed that he hardly does any notary work anyway.

The moral of this story is that stopping functioning will not make this disease go away. Staying away from places where people are densely populated with poor ventilation might help. And social distancing might help too.

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May 28, 2020

If you meet a signer at a cafe, who pays for the coffee?

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 10:02 pm

It is common for Notaries to meet signers at cafes. But, what is the etiquette for who pays for the coffee? Or does only one party purchase a drink so the cafe can allow them to stay there? Does the drink go on a chair or the same table with the critical documents?

This question sounds more like a Seinfeld dilemma than anything else. Since the signer is paying the notary for the notarization, it’s the least the notary can do to buy a piece of bundt cake for the client. On the other hand, if the Notary has to bill to get paid, and is billing a third party, then neither party should have to pay for the coffee. But, what if the signer wants a palpation but forgot his walled. But, then how will he have his ID for the notarization? Wow, this is really complicated stuff!

NOTARY: You should pay for the almond croissant because I’m the Notary. It’s like a courtesy for my hard work.

SIGNER: Yes, but I am the client, and it is customary to take your clients out to eat and pay.

NOTARY: You’re paying cash right?

SIGNER: Yes. Small unmarked bills to be precise.

NOTARY: Are you going to wash your hands for 20 seconds before you handle those bills? I don’t want the Coronavirus.

WOMAN: I think the man should pay.

NOTARY: Obviously not a feminist.

WOMAN: I am when it doesn’t involved someone paying for me. You see, I’m what you call an opportunistic feminist. Equal rights, but not so equal on the responsibilities.

SIGNER: Honesty is so sexy. I like you!

WOMAN: Thanks, I’m single

NOTARY: I think I see why.

WOMAN: Yeah, but at least I’m not paying alimony and child support and having my kids taken away from me by legal force. It could be worse. You know what. You guys are so much fun, I’ll pay for your frappachino.

CLERK: Sorry, we are all out of coffee.

NOTARY: But, this is a cafe. Your whole business revolves around coffee.

CLERK: Sorry. But, we have those dark chocolate covered graham crackers. They’re really good.

SIGNER: I’ll just get a soda. I don’t drink coffee after 2pm anyway.

WOMAN: Nice to meet you guys.

NOTARY: Here’s my card. I do notarizations, weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

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May 27, 2020

The Lonely Notary

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 10:01 pm

Once upon a time there was a lonely Notary. He wanted to talk to everyone, but nobody wanted to talk to him. So, he resorted to talking to animals, stray cats, little chihuahuas, birds, squirrels, and bar tenders. He went to all the NNA conventions, but nobody there would talk to him longer than a few seconds to engage in pleasantries. His only acquaintances were bar tenders that humored him with a little conversation before they walked off in the middle of his sentences to get a drink or wash something.

He liked being a notary because at loan signings, the signers were forced to talk to him. Sometimes they actually liked talking to him. Other people were not so nice. Once some stuck up girls were ignoring the lonely Notary. So, the notary insulted them. They got offended and started arguing with him. The Notary said, “At least I got you to talk to me — I’m so lonely.”

The lonely Notary soon found out that people at old age homes like to talk a lot — a really lot. So, he spent an hour at an old age home. He liked the fact that people wanted to talk to him. But, the problem is that most of them didn’t listen. They just talked right over him. And then others were so hard of hearing that they couldn’t listen.

The Lonely Notary was so upset with modern American culture and how unfriendly it is, that he decided to move to Africa. Life was cheap over there and everyone wanted to talk to him because Africans are more of a talkative people. At first he went to the wrong country and they spoke French only. His French was mediocre, plus understanding their weird sounding accent in French was too much. So, then he moved to another area. But, too many tribal languages were being spoken, plus the tribal make up (the little dots on their faces) were a little odd for our American friend. Finally, he made it to an English speaking place.

Once he arrived, his new friends taught him how to do an African laugh. You need to inhale a lot, open your mouth wide, and do a “ha ha ha haaaaaaa” with an elongated last “ha” all in a very deep voice.

So, our American friend enjoyed his new life in Africa, made many friends and lived happily ever after until he got some rare tropical disease that no doctor had ever heard of and died. But, he died happy. And upon his death, his last words were, “Ha ha ha ha haaaaa.”

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May 25, 2020

Calling ahead to see if they have dogs

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 10:00 pm

Some us us don’t like dogs. And some of us like dog owners even less. Many dog owners love their dogs and can’t understand that the rest of the world doesn’t like their slobbering friend licking them, or their little white fluffy dog sniffing their toes. Then there are the ferocious dogs that growl in a petrifying manner to which the owner says, “oh… he’s friendly.”

Just because your dog is allegedly “friendly” doesn’t prove he won’t bite. There is a first time for everything. It also doesn’t meant that I’m friendly — because I’m not, unless you are a well behaved organism.

ME: Hey, keep him away from me.

DOG OWNER: Oh, he’s friendly.

ME: I didn’t give your “friendly” dog permission to molest me.

DOG OWNER: Oh, are you afraid of dogs?

ME: I didn’t say I’m afraid, I just don’t like being assaulted by weapons of mass slobber-struction.

DOG OWNER: He won’t hurt you

ME: I’ll come back with my mentally ill younger brother and he will molest your wife, daughter and other females in your family. And when you complain and look aghast, I’ll say — “Oh, he’s friendly.”

DOG OWNER: You jerk!

ME: See how you like it when you are on the receiving end buck-o!

So, what I recommend is to call ahead and make sure that if they have dogs, that the dogs are behind a locked door. In my experience, dog owners are by definition extremely careless and rarely think about the legal implications of being sued for their pooch biting someone. They are also intrinsically careless about being considerate to those who don’t share their love of dogs.

It is common for the dog behind a “locked” door to mysteriously escape from the locked compartment and start bothering you or scaring the hell out of you. It might be hard core, but you could threaten to leave the minute you see a dog not separated from you by a locked door. Let them know you are serious in a polite way.

Dealing with dogs is no joke. One time a signer came to the door with a loaded gun drawn because there was a pitt bull running around the neighborhood. The notary was afraid, but the gun was to protect them from the dog and not to mug the notary. It’s not a bad idea to bring pepper spray either because the dog owners often will not protect you at all from their crazy and disturbing pets.

Remember – dogs and cats are a reflection of the character of the owner. If the owner is deranged, so will their dogs be.

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