DISCLAIMER: This skit has references which many people might find inappropriate. Readers should be at least thirteen years of age and of unsound mind to read this article!
ALAN: I’m doing a notarization this evening!
BERTA: You’re still doing that? But, you have a career, why do you need to do that?
ALAN: Well, maybe I like notarizing things. I find it therapeutic.
CHARLIE: Well, if you think that’s therapeutic, then you’re nuts — so that should work out quite nicely
ALAN: I enjoy the art of affixing my seal; somehow makes me feel in control over the universe.
CHARLIE: You’re drinking vodka? You shouldn’t drink before a notarization because that could impair your judgement.
ALAN: Oh, its not for me, it’s for the signers.
CHARLIE: Oh, well in that case, even I would feel that it was therapeutic, assuming I had any feeling in my fingers after ingesting all of that vodka.
BERTA: Well, how much extra do you get by having these signers sign something that they shouldn’t after their judgement has been impaired?
ALAN: This signing is actually for a lesbian couple. I’m hoping that the vodka will impair their judgement after the signing. Since I drove my wife to lesbianism, I’m kind of hoping that I can do the same thing with these signers — but, in reverse.
JAKE: (grabbing the bottle of vodka and looking at it) Can you teach me how to be a notary too?
ALAN: You were not intended to hear this conversation
JAKE: Oh, I didn’t hear much. But, I was just thinking. Today in school, we learned about a financial product called a reverse mortgage. And to sign that type of loan, it is called a reverse signing. That might come in handy with those two chicks you’re working on.
CHARLIE: Why don’t you reverse yourself out of here. (to Alan) That kid’s a pain, but he’s right!
BERTA: After half a bottle of that Stolichnaya, maybe they’ll think they’re signing a double mortgage — at least they’ll be seeing double!
JAKE: (comes back in the room) Maybe they’ll pay you double
CHARLIE: Or maybe they’ll give you double trouble — until they pass out!
(Alan drives to the signing)
ROBIN: Thanks for coming. I have my Affidavit of Domicile right here.
ALAN: Oh, I thought we were doing a loan signing.
ROBIN: No, we’re going to do that next week. We just wanted to get this one done as soon as we could.
ALAN: Okay. I brought a little vodka.
CHRIS: Oh, thanks. You can just put that in the cabinet up there.
ALAN: Oh. Okay.
ROBIN: Do we sign here?
ALAN: Yeah… but, I was thinking. You don’t want to toast to your domicile bliss?
ROBIN: Oh no, we’re just living with each other for tax purposes.
BOYFRIEND: Oh, you brought vodka? Oh, that ‘s an expensive brand. Thanks dude, that was so cool and considerate of you!
ALAN: Oh, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend. I thought you guys were…
CHRIS: You thought we were lesbian? Oh!
BOYFRIEND: That’s what I thought at first too. Ironically, that’s what attracted me to them.
ALAN: (taking notes) So, how’d you get them to switch? Did you buy them a bottle of vodka.
BOYFRIEND: Kind of. But, I bought them a cheap Smirnoff. To me, I took is as kind of a challenge. I didn’t find out until afterwards that they were straight. I poured them some vodka and said — straight or on the rocks. She said she was straight, but that her relationship was on the rocks.
ALAN: Oh well, let’s get this notarization over. Here’s my card in case you need anything notarized in the future.
BOYFRIEND: Thanks dude, and no hard feelings.
CHRIS: Why don’t you give him his bottle back. It’s the least we can do for leading him on.
ROBIN: I think it was my inadvertent comment about the three-way notarization. I shouldn’t have said that, but I was tipsy. See what alcohol can do?
BOYFRIEND: Here’s your vodka dude, and thanks for everything.
ALAN: Thanks, I guess.
(Alan drives back — a squad car pulls him over)
ALAN: Hello officer, was I speeding?
OFFICER: No, but there is a “Have Seal Will Travel” sticker blocking your left turn signal.
ALAN: Oh brother.. I think my kid Jake must have been trying to help me out with my business. I didn’t see it on there. I asked him to put it on the side of my car.
OFFICER: Maybe you should pay more attention to what you’re doing, and what your son is doing. Is that an open bottle of Vodka on the front passenger mat?
ALAN: Oh boy. It was a gift for my client, but they didn’t want it. So, I’m taking it home.
OFFICER: You’re under a rest.
(Meanwhile in the slammer. The police have mercy on Alan. They figure he’ll get pulverized in the men’s holding cell, so they put him in with the women. Two four-hundred pound biker-chicks have pity on him, and the rest is history.)
BUTTERCUP: I heard all about your little tragedy from the guards, and all I can say is that I am so sorry.
HARLEY: Me too. So, what’s a notarization?
BUTTERCUP: And do you happen to have any more vodka on you?
ALAN: As a matter of fact, I have several mini-bottles in my coat pocket right here.
(We’ll leave the rest to your imagination)
(Four hours later)
CHARLIE: I’m here to bail you out
ALAN: It was incredible.
CHARLIE: What have you been smoking?
ALAN: That was the best signing I ever had.
CHARLIE: (looking at the mini-bottles) Wow, I need to start drinking this stuff.
ALAN: Robin and Chris were great. I’m going to call them when I (passes out)
(Charlie carries him home)
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