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September 12, 2014

New Notary Apps for the iPhone 7 that you’ve never dreamed of!

Many notaries are curious to know what the new iPhone 7 will be like. The truth is that it will have many new functions and apps that are very practical for notaries. Below are some of the more practical apps.

(1) Signing Company Review App.
The best feature of Notary To Go is that it knows which signing companies are good or bad. If a good signing company who pays on time calls you, you’ll automatically get a marimba music ringtone. If they don’t pay on time – “The Shining” music ringtone.

If you ask SIRI to research signing company reviews, her tone of voice is programmed to vary based on the quality of the signing company.

More than 50% negative reviews – Siri sounds suicidal.

20 to 49% negative reviews – Siri sounds snooty.

0 to 19% negative reviews – Siri sounds cautiously optimistic.

(2) Find the lowest price for gas app.
Siri also locates the nearest most inexpensive gas stations for notaries.

Siri can be set to “polite,” “matter of fact,” “sarcastic,” or “down right insulting.” In a test signing, the notary set it on sarcastic level 3 and asked Siri to find him the best price on gas in the area and Siri said, “you cheap gum.” After the bugs were worked out, she said, “you cheap bum.”

(3) Notary Billing app.
The new notary billing app lets you enter each signing after it is complete, who the borrowers were and the name of the signing company. It will automatically send bills to the company. It can also Subpoena a signing company that hasn’t paid on time after sixty days if you put it on “auto-subpoena.”

(4) Road condition app
The iPhone7 road condition app, not only tells you the fastest route to wherever you are going, but also informs you of any new potholes on the road, or if there are any desirable members of the opposite gender that are noteworthy on any particular route.

(5) Affirmation App
Detects whether signer’s solemn statement of truth made under penalty of perjury is actually truthful. Just attach one end of the wire’s attachment to the affiant’s fingertip, and insert the other end into the USB port. The display on the monitor will tell you if the statements are true or false. Please read the instructions and ask a few sample questions first to get a sense of interpreting the results from this type of test.

(6) Virtual attorney-in-fact.
A virtual person can be authorized by a power of attorney to act on behalf of another using this app. Just scan the power of attorney using a portable scanner and attach the scanner to the iPhone using a USB wire. One notary tried this app, and got a little carried away. He got the Smart attorney app: Sues virtual attorney-in-fact for claiming he’s a fact when he’s merely virtual.

(7) Notary certificate app.
Attach your iPhone to a mobile printer, and you can print out documents and notary forms. This app turns credible witnesses into incredible witnesses, if they’re lucky enough to own this incredible phone. This app executes a document in the blink of an eye or iPhone, whichever blinks first. iPhone version 8 virtually affixes seal to certificate eliminating strain from pressing embosser, but you’ll have to wait to see that action!

(8) The Notary To Go app.
This app can automatically turns off the customer’s TV. Getting their shouting kids to go to sleep – coming in the iPhone. Notary To Go also sends confirmation to signing company notifying them you’re there. It also tells you if neighbors or kids are too close to your car.

(9) Hands Free Notarization App.
You can download your document into the application. Then, when you’re in front of your signer, they can give a verbal signature to the document. Using voice recognition technology, this application will be able to positively identify the signer purely based on their voice if it has been given a voice sample previous to the date of the notarization. It can also be used for notarizing weddings — just say, “I do.”

(10) Virtual Therapy (for Siri)
After being tested out on seven different signing agents, the iPhone 7 provides Siri with badly needed automated therapy.

SIRI: “All they ask me for is where’s the cheapest gas station.”

AUTOMATED VOICE: “You sound troubled.”

SIRI: “Duh! They’re always complaining to me about signing companies that don’t pay them on time, or when 123notary raises their rates. Is that all I’m good for?”

AUTOMATED VOICE: “You sound troubled.”

On the iPhone 8, her automated shrink will gain the additional responses, “I feel your pain. And, “I see our time is up.”

(1) iPhone 7 Siri will locate nearest cheapest gas stations for notaries.
(2) iPhone 7: Notary Billing app will subpoena negligent signing companies
(3) iPhone 7: Smart attorney app sues virtual attorney for claiming he’s actual attorney
(4) Iphone 7 Siri to be more advanced. Voice changes depending on quality of signing company calling you
(5) If a signing company calls with bad reviews, Siri’s tone of voice will sound suicidal using this new app.
(6) iPhone 7 Notary to go app tells you if neighbors or kids are too close to your car
(7) After being tested out on seven different signing agents, the iPhone 7 provides Siri with badly needed automated therapy.


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September 6, 2014

Don’t Die Trying! (when your schedule is tight)

Filed under: Ken Edelstein,Popular on Twitter,Popular Overall — Tags: — admin @ 3:48 am

Don’t Die Trying
Tight schedules are part of being a notary. “Can you be here in less than half an hour” is a common request. E-documents come late, borrowers have to leave at a certain time, the LO is stressing how you are “being depended on” to meet your commitment (even though the docs are late). The pressure to be ON TIME assaults you from all directions. Hill Street Blues, a popular police show had the phrase “let’s be careful out there” at the end of the roll call. Out there, includes your transit to the assignment; be it by car, foot or mass transit.

How much money is your life worth to you? Silly question of course, sane people don’t put a dollar value on their existence. But many otherwise sane people do borderline insane actions for the sole purpose of being on time. Long time readers might recall my telling of abandoning a late borrower due to the start of freezing rain. Do you think you can drive on that? Think again. Unless you are driving an army tank with treads in place of times; it’s a deadly folly. Sometimes as I sit at the PC writing these blogs I get the dreaded “writers block” and struggle to think of something worthy of your reading time. Not now, the multiplicity of dumb things that notaries can do is virtually endless. Fortunately, few do most of them, but some do a few of them.

New York State has just made hand held cell phone use a 5 point “on the license” violation. Get 11 points and you start walking. Even speeding is generally less than 5 points. That same law covers many in car electronic devices. Do you fiddle with your GPS when the destination changes? It’s the same penalty, also for any other electronic distraction. I’m 100% for this new law. I don’t want someone plowing into me due to their inattention. I’ve had only one accident in my 50+ year driving history. She crossed in the middle of the block and appeared in front of me from in front of a double parked delivery truck. I hit her before I could touch the brakes. Witnesses said it was not in any way my fault; I was only doing 20MPH in a 30 zone. But the terrible sound of her body rebounding from my car still haunts me.
Any activity in addition to driving is a distraction. The list includes talking to a passenger, drinking coffee, even listening to the radio. But the worst and most dangerous distractions require you to shift your eyes from the direction of the car. My Bluetooth cell device is totally hands off, as is my GPS which talks to me and takes voice commands. It’s not just the points, the guilt and probable criminal penalties for vehicular homicide are too terrible to risk.

I’ve written many blogs, but this one has my heart and soul. Please, be as late as necessary to that silly appointment. No Bluetooth device? Pull over, put it in park, call ahead and tell them you are driving safely and will be late. Missing a signing is much less traumatic than missing your eyes from having them removed due to being embedded with glass from the windshield.

Avoidance of the temptation to rush is really the best policy. Turn down unrealistic requests, ones that would put you and others at risk. Speeding, “tail ending the red light”, the illegal turn; or being distracted – are all easily avoided by prudent scheduling.

You can’t say “I’m sorry” from a casket. Not only do you risk death, you let your friends and family down. Who will be the one to replace you? Will your epitaph be “died a fool for a buck”?

(1) Can you put a dollar value on your notarial existence?
(2) You can’t say I’m sorry from a casket. Don’t try to book your appointments too tightly together
(3) How much money is your life worth to you. Scheduling too tightly could end it!
(4) Tight schedules are part of being a notary. But, don’t make it too tight or u’ll start feeling tightness in your chest!

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September 1, 2014

$30 loan signings. Is it worth it even in the best of circumstances?

Believe it or not, there are companies out there offering signings for $30 and $35. Can you believe this? The nerve of some people to offer a notary such a small amount of money for such a huge headache. Even if you are signing only one document, the headache of trying to send documents back, invoice, get paid, and schedule is simply not worth it.

I remember that when I was a notary I did an assignment for $30. It was a single document. I actually got a few assignments like this. When I did regular mobile notary work for offices, I would charge about $35, but they would pay me cash on the spot. There was no waiting for payment or wondering if I would get paid. It was immediate gratification.

Back when I was first starting out in 1999, Nation’s Direct gave me signings for $30. But, I was not expected to walk the borrowers through the loan. One of their staff members did it over the phone. All I had to do was notarize a few signatures and wait for their phone call to end. It was not the best pay, but this is how I got started in the business, so I don’t regret it. But, if I was offered this type of pay now, I would have a fit!

Even if a $30 signing is within a mile and is only a single document, is it worth it? Maybe if you are really hungry. Maybe it is better than not getting any offers at all, but most notaries would rather that the phone just doesn’t ring.

(1) Believe it or not, there are companies out there offering signings for $30!
(2) The nerve of people to offer a notary $30 for a signing!
(3) Most notaries would rather that the phone just didn’t ring

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August 3, 2014

Is this man a notary?

I got an email from someone who thought that I was the world authority on notaries and had contact information for all notaries in the world including phone numbers, addresses, next of kin, etc. I have to tell them one by one that I am only a humble directory owner and that I have no access to what they want. I tell them to ask the Notary Division in the state where the notary resides.

But, what a great tabloid header — Is this man a notary?

Picture a shady looking guy wearing a trench coat and a hat like they used to dress in the 60’s. A similar looking guy was suspected of being involved in an embezzlement and racketeering ring. One notary customer saw the alleged notary working in a busy office in the city and remembered the pictures she saw in the newspaper about the criminal. The only thought that ran through her befuddled head was — is this man a notary?

So, she used the strategy used in the T.V. show Psych. The bad guy always runs. She talked to the shady looking notary and said in passing,

LADY: “By the way, you look just like that guy who was in the newspaper who was suspected of embezzlement, fraud, racketeering, and other crimes.”
The guy didn’t even budge a millimeter, he wasn’t phased.
NOTARY: “What of it?”
LADY: “Is that alleged criminal you?”
NOTARY: “Of course not, I’m screened by the state. They don’t let felons or those convicted of crimes involving moral turpitude become notary publics, lady.”
LADY: The lady then pondered, and mumbled: “Then, I wonder who that guy is…”
NOTARY: The shady looking notary unemotionally said, “Oh, he’s my brother. He’s on the run and has assumed a different identity. He’s been doing fraud since we was 12 years old. Part of the reason I became a notary, was to catch guys like him — believe it or not!”

When hiring a notary, you need to know if they are a fraud. The thing is, they might be a fraud who never got caught. Or, they might have become a fraud since being commissioned and just haven’t been caught yet. In the case of our Notary friend, his brother has been a career fraud since the age of 12. I have only two things to say in response to this story.

(1) OMG. and
(2) Is this man a Notary?

(1) When hiring a notary, you need to know if they are a fraud!
(2) The notary said, “I’m not the convicted racketeer in the newspaper – that’s my brother!”


July 14, 2014

She took all my business away!

Filed under: General Articles,Popular on Twitter,Popular Overall — admin @ 4:27 am

It is not fair, say some. 123notary allows signing companies to advertise. The truth is that we can’t tell the difference between a notary and a signing service. After all, signing services are notaries who hire other notaries. Large or small, they are offering the same service you are. A notary is a one person signing service — still a signing service. 2nd, signing services pay us the same fee that others do, and generally drop out of their spots a lot faster than single notaries do.

But, there was one Virginia Notary who was really upset. There was a signing service there that is very established. They have been around for years. He said that once that company got on our Virginia Notary Public page, that his phone stopped ringing. Sure, that person got the top spot, but they paid for it. Other signing companies in other metros sometimes start out high, and then downgrade to a preferential, but not this one.

The guy rambled on and on and on and wouldn’t stop talking. He was so rude that he wouldn’t let me get a word into the conversation. The “Big bad signing company” that took his business away from him has an individual who is always polite and professional. I told him that if I had a job, I wouldn’t be able to hire someone like him, because he rants and raves and doesn’t listen. I want to hire someone professional — signing service or not. Maybe I hurt his feelings, but honestly, how can you survive in any business if you don’t carry yourself like a professional? Instead of whining about these bigger outfits, learn what they are doing right and emulate them.

According to spiritual principles, you can never become rich if you resent the wealthy!


July 1, 2014

I’ll stay here all day until I get paid!

I was speaking with one of our fellow notaries and in that conversation he shared a little story on collecting funds that were due to him from a particular company. I don’t remember now if it was a signing company or not but it really doesn’t matter. He like the rest of us know that times are lean. There are very few signings now and when you do get a signing and perform the duties asked of you, naturally you expect to be paid for them. Nonetheless, he like many of you have had problems collected fees that are due to you after the job is completed.

So it seems that in this particular case this company owed our notary quite a bit of money. The notary had tried to no avail (phone calls emails, etc) to get this company to pay. Nothing worked. So the notary felt enough is enough. Time to take action! He had a plan.

He got up early, packed up his ‘mobile office’ along with his lunch and proceeded to go to where the company’s office was located. He walked into their office announced himself to one of the person’s behind the desk and asks to speak with accounts payable. He was told they were unavailable. So he tells the office clerk, ” Ok, well, I’ll wait”. He then proceeds to go sit down, takes out his equipment (which included a small portable table) and commenced to working as if he was at his own office. (now I am laughing so hard, I am almost on the floor. I am loving this so much). The folks behind the counter are bewildered/shocked to say the least.

He begins answering calls, booking appointments, doing his emails, etc. A girl behind the counter who is watching him, leaves (we assume to go into the back office to tell ’somebody’ what was going on. When she returns she told him that he’ll have to leave and come back. He polietly refused. He let her know he would stay all day if it was necessary….he had done the work, needed to be paid and would not be leaving until somebody cut him a check.

He continues doing his work….even asks to use their copy machine and printer. (Now, I am just dying of laughter.) But guess what, after about a couple of hours of them seeing that he was serious about not leaving…somebody in the back office cut him a check so he could be on his way…and yes, it cleared the bank! 🙂

All I’ll say is BRAVO! Well done!

Until next time…..be well and safe! — Carmen

(1) He said he would stay in their office until he got paid. He answered phones, printed docs in the mean time.
(2) They decided to cut him a check to get him to leave their office. It worked!

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June 12, 2014

When you goof

Any Vulcans or Androids reading this? As these characters on Startrek embody perfection; they have no need to read further. Oh? You’re human – then read on because as certain as death and taxes you will make a mistake when you notarize on a regular basis. Only do one notarization a year? Chances are that if you are reading blogs here on 123notary.com you will get those rare events perfect. But, for the rest of us; the many thousand details annually virtually guarantee some errors.

The gotchas come from far and wide. I always look at my watch to verify the date; every time. And, my watch is right “most of the time”. The date changes every 24 hours to the next number ranging from 1 to 31. But, alas, my watch does not know which months have less than 31 days. It’s not too hard to imagine an entry on a loose ack of Sept 31! Some names are lengthy and to many, difficult to spell. Even when copying directly from the driver license it’s easy to transpose a letter or two. Magicians use “misdirection” to direct your attention away from what they are really doing. In an “attention diverted” situation; resuming what you were doing requires extreme care.

You can defend against virtually all errors by learning how to double check your work. It’s not as easy as it sounds. An error made the first time; will probably look “just as correct” the second time. When it comes to double checking, the safety expression “Speed Kills” sums it up perfectly. You cannot really do that verification of your work if you go “more quickly” than when you did it the first time. Actually, because you tend to “see what you want to see” – you really have to go much slower to check your work, compared to the time it took you to do the work.

Let’s assume that one slipped past your most diligent double check, what now? It’s a widely known fact that the “fix it” fairy exists, and with pixie dust plus a stroke of the pen; often “makes it right”. Many “up the food chain” don’t want to go through the proper procedures to redo. Those un-named processors just fix it. Illegal? Sure. But as the kids often say “do do do happen”. You will never know if you submitted perfect work or had an “assist”.

However, eventually you will get the call. “There is a problem with what you sent us”. If you have a high speed scanner and bothered to make a complete copy of the file, you can take a look and see if it was indeed your error. There is a good chance they are referring to the page they forgot to send to you. To prove this you need to be able to look at the file that arrived in your in box. Hmmmm, no such document was sent to you –and- you can prove it. Perhaps they claim you did not notarize the Mortgage. For that you need to look at the complete scan of the file you shipped back. There is a good chance that someone on the receiving end just lost the page. Thus, you need records of your input and your output to determine if you actually did goof.

Looking at the file you submitted, it is clear you missed the initials on one page. True it was a subtle miss, as the field was in the middle of the page; a spot easily overlooked. You now can defend your actions by being silly, claiming that they did not highlight the unusual but required location. Or, you can show professionalism and offer to do whatever is necessary to make amends. The policy of http://kenneth-a-edelstein.com is to make a “fix” my highest priority. It’s rare but when it happens I fix it very fast, and ship priority with a charge to my personal FedEx account.

It is times like this that many notaries truly “show their “tail feathers”” by making various lame excuses. They don’t want to hear anything other than how you plan to “make it right”. Telling them about the distractions from the howling dog, the bad lighting, or the cramped table is foolishness; and makes you look like a buffoon. Taking ownership of the problem and vowing to do whatever is necessary to make amends is the only correct response. If you have to take a taxi to the affiant, print at a Kinkos, and wait 2 hours for the signer who is in a meeting prior to going home; that’s exactly what you must do. And do it cheerfully; knowing your reputation is on the line.

Those who depended on you know that all errors cannot be avoided. Now it’s your attitude and zeal to make amends that will determine whether you keep or lose a client. Turn that “goof” into a “nice recovery” and be a hero.

(1) Chances are: if you’re reading blogs here on 123notary.com you will do your notarizations perfectly!
(2) You can defend against virtually all notary errors by learning how to double check your work
(3) When you scan your work to double check, do you know what to look for?
(4) You need to keep meticulous records to determine whose at fault if there’s a mistake!
(5) Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how willing you are to make amends for them that determine your success w/clients.

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June 8, 2014

If a pizza can get there in 30 minutes or less, why not a notary?

Hiring a mobile notary is not always easy. They are not always available when you need them. Plus, they might have an appointment right after they see you for an Acknowledged signature in another part of town. That means, if you are running late, your appointment could get cut short!

Domino’s Pizza has delivery guys who wait for you. They line up at the store waiting for pizzas to come out of the oven. They spend their idle time putting pizza boxes together, and the minute it comes out of the oven — they sprint for the front door. They can get there in 30 minutes or less because they are waiting like a Lexington Minuteman by the oven.

But, notaries are not always ready to run. And if they are, they might be in another town far away from you. Maybe the world needs a notary company with dozens of notaries just waiting by the door so the dispatcher can just blow his trumpet, key in his credit card processing system and say, “Charge!”

Maybe one day. In the mean time, we have many decades to go before you see a commercial on TV that says,

“The notary will be there in 30 minutes or less or your Jurat is free — Oath not included…
restrictions apply — offer not valid in Alaska or Hawaii, applies to participating stores only! Side effects may include dizziness, confusion, stress, and a loss of appetite. As with any other legal service, consult your Attorney before you get a prescription for our services.”

(1) Hiring a mobile notary isn’t easy. They are not always available when you need them.
(2) The notary will be there in 30 minutes or less or your Jurat is free (Oath not included)
(3) There’s plenty of fast food, but not enough fast notaries!

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I get paid enough to get something on the value menu at McDonalds


June 6, 2014

Poo Picking – getting the best notary jobs

Poo Picking
You are probably much more used to the phrase “cherry picking”. It’s a phrase that pays homage to the selection of the best fruit. Without belaboring the point; there is an analogy to picking the best notary assignments. But what about the rest of the assignments? Clearly there is a broad range. The cherries are close by, easy to do; and pay a high fee. The majority of the assignments offered to us are not cherries; they are average. Average, in that we work hard to earn a fair wage. However, there are also the “Poo” assignments. Difficult, far, time consuming, and with a bunch of special added requirements; often at bottom dollar.

How do you get the cherries and avoid the Poo? As the First Lady said “Just Say No”. It’s very bad business to accept every offer made to you. Some say it’s necessary to take the bad with the good. Why? I take the cherries and the average and reject the Poo. If you have been a mobile notary for any length of time you should have developed a good sense of what is a Poo situation. One classic warning sign is that the situation takes a large amount of your time, prior to actually doing the assignment. Do you have time to spare? Probably not.
Quote by Abraham Lincoln: “A Lawyer’s Time and Advice are His Stock in Trade.”. Swap Lawyer’s for Notary’s and that is reality. You have only so much time to devote. Any task that takes an unreasonable amount of your time needs to be abandoned. Sometimes you have to just “let go” – as what starts time-consuming will probably become more so. There are no exact guidelines for me to give you. If you feel you are descending into a pit, climb out!

Now to the real “meat” of this entry. Your calendar is the single most important time management tool. Do you guard it carefully, aware the entries represent the commitment of a slice of your time; unusable for other matters. Some feel anything is better than nothing. If you accept a “Poo” assignment you will be forced to decline all others. Thus, you are, if you are really managing your business; forced to determine the quality and “worth” of the offer. It is in this aspect of time management that so many fail miserably.

“Shields Up” shouts the First Officer on the Enterprise, the Star Trek Starship. It’s the duty of the First Officer, first to protect the ship; second to protect the Captain. You are the Captain of your business, and your experience and judgment must serve as the first officer. But what of the Starship? That’s your “bottom line” – does your business model protect both yourself (from legal action, danger, etc.) and protect your income flow? Assuming you don’t want to fire the Captain (you) then you might have to rethink how you apply your experience and judgment.

“Let me try to have that fee approved” a/k/a “as soon as I hang up I will be looking for someone cheaper, but if I can’t find one; only then will I call back”. One possible response is “fine, but I cannot make a calendar entry until we have an agreement; the time slot might not be available when you call back”. Some are a bit more “pushy’ – “pencil me in for that time” they ask. Sure, I reply but be aware that the next caller who wants that time will cause me to use the other end of the pencil and erase your entry.

Back to Poo, your time; and now add commitment. Today a Poo caller, this one an Escrow Co. (or so they said); made a solid commitment to having both payment and assignment sheet to me by noon for a 3PM assignment. As I write this it’s now 12:30 – nothing received. What to do? For http://kenneth-a-edelstein.com “it never happened”. No, I’m not going to call them; they were able to call me, and have chosen to just ignore their agreement with me. It’s not worth my time to call them. They never had a calendar entry, so there is nothing to erase. It’s unlikely, but if they suddenly resurrect themselves and call at 1:30; and I am “open” – perhaps I will be able to accommodate them. But it’s my rules that govern.

The key to Poo management is establishing deadlines for events; and mutually understanding what will happen when the deadline passes. Then stick to it. Nobody owns you, or manages you; unless you let them.

(1) Re: Notary Assignments; Do you know how to pick the cherries and leave out the undesirable jobs?
(2) Any task that takes an unreasonable amount of your time needs to be abandoned. Sometimes you have to just “let go”
(3) Nobody owns you or manages you unless you let them! When it comes to the worst notary jobs, “just say no”

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April 4, 2014

Witnessing the intake forms for Notary Heaven

Clerk: “NEXT!!!!”

Clerk: “You were. Ahh. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a decent notary. You never backdated. That’s just herely.”
Sal: “Pardon?”
Clerk: “Heavenly. But… On your Match.com profile, you front-dated to make yourself younger, but the women you met also front-dated and it all evened out, so no problem there. Back to your records… You never signed without having a current ID with a matching name. You were rarely late to any appointments, and you made a courtesy call when you knew you’d be late. Too bad you were late on your child support payments.”
Sal: “Better late than never.”
Clerk: “As in dead vs. never exist, I agree. Sign here.”
Sal: “I never had any kids, by the way. You must be confusing me with somebody else.”

Clerk: “You must be confusing me with somebody who confuses you for somebody else.”
Heavenly Notary: “Can I see some ID?”
Sal: “I just died. My ID is with my body down there.”

Clerk: “His commission seal expired after he did. I already checked it in.”
Notary: “Your right thumb print, please. The one you hitched a ride with to get to the dance where you met your future wife to whom you gave thumbs down to timely child support.”
Sal: “Boy, you guys really know how to stay on topic.”

Clerk: “You are hereby appointed to Notary Heaven section 263, upper level.”
Notary: “Really? Upper level! I must have done something right? By the way, up here, is upper level a good thing?”

Clerk: “It’s where we put decent notaries who didn’t make their child support payments. It’s up in the nosebleed section. But since noses don’t bleed here, no worries. Be glad you’re not headed to where we stick the backdaters.”
Sal: “Uhh… Where’s that?” Clerk: “Notary purgatory. For all of eternity, they’ll have to remind clients to stop signing differently on each page, so it’s consistent.” Sal: “Okay, but once again, I never had children. Perhaps there’s another Sal who used my social security number and…”
Heavenly Bouncer: “You’re coming with me, kid…”
Sal: “Thanks for calling me a kid. I guess compared to all of eternity, I am on the youthful side.”
Bouncer: “Up these stairs over here.”
Sal: “They don’t have escalators in heaven? Not that I’m complaining.”
Bouncer: “You’re getting aerobic exercise. It will make you feel therely.”

Sal: “Oh, okay. Wait a minute! … There-ly? Don’t you mean here-ly?”
Bouncer: “We just left heaven. This is heaven-adjacent. The address still sounds reasonably fancy, but the neighborhood’s a little seedier. For the seedier folks who shirked their child support payments.”
Sal: “Listen… I didn’t get your name.”
Bouncer: “What do you mean?” Sal: “Your name. I didn’t get your name.” Bouncer: “My name is ‘What do you mean.’ In heaven-adjacent, it makes confused new members sound like they’re my friends.” Sal: “Is there any way to appeal the whole child support issue?”
Bouncer: “You can take that up with the staff in section 263.”
Sal: “What do you mean?” Bouncer: “Yes?” Sal: “Never mind.”

263 Host: “Welcome to section 263. We’ve been expecting you! The accommodations here are adequate, and the food isn’t terrible.”
Sal: “That doesn’t sound… terrible.”
263 Host: “As for the enticing food descriptions in the menu, don’t ask me to affirm them under the penalties of perjury. Oh, and the full portions are reduced by thirty percent, because SOMEONE in the brighter world didn’t make their section 263 support payments. Ring a bell?”
Sal: “How could I have been a deadbeat before I was actually dead?”
263 Host: “Have a nice eternity.”

Old Version

Sal: “Hi, I’m Sal”
Clerk: “You sure are. Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated. You never signed without having a current ID with a matching name. You were rarely late to any appointments, and you made a courtesy call when you were going to be late. Too bad you were late on your child support payments.
Sal: “Hey, excuse me. I think there is a mistake here. You see I…”
Clerk: “Sign here”
Notary: “Can I see some ID sir?”
Sal: “Hey, give me a break, I just died. My ID is with my body down there. I never had kids by the way, you must be confusing me with…”
Clerk: “Sure you didn’t. Where have I heard that before.”
Notary: “Your right paw-print please.”
Clerk: “You are appointed to Notary Heaven section 263, upper level.”
Notary: “And what did I do to merit such a place? By the way, is that a good place?”
Clerk: “That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments. It’s a whole lot better than where we put the backdaters. I’ll leave that to your imagination.”
Sal: “Okay, but once again, I never had children. Perhaps there is another Sal who used my social security number and…”
Bouncer: “You’re coming with me kid…”
Sal: “Oooh, strong grip…”
Bouncer: “Up these stairs over here.”
Sal: “Is this heaven or is this a prison?”
Bouncer: “Think of all of god’s creation as a karmic realm of one sort or the other. Certain realms are more desirable than others.”
Sal: “Is there any way to appeal the whole child support issue?”
Bouncer: “You can take that up with the staff in section 263. Have a nice day!”

263 Staff: “Welcome to section 263. We have been expecting you! The accommodations here are honest, and the food is not bad, but you only get 70% portions because our funding got cut because SOMEONE in the brighter world didn’t make their section 263 support payments. Sound familiar?”
Sal: “Yeah, about that. I was hoping that we could…”
263 Staff: “NEXT….”

(1) Notary Heaven Section 263: That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments.
(2) Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated.
(3) I just died, my ID is with my body down there.
(4) Notary Heaven Section 263: That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments.
(5) Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated.
(6) I just died, my ID is with my body down there.
(7) The notary heaven clerk noted that his commission seal expired after he did.
(8) Notary purgatory: For all of eternity, dead notaries get clients who sign differently on each page.

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