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January 25, 2022

Vampire Notaries: 24 hour service

This was originally published in 2013

It was a dark and rainy night.
A couple called a company called Vampire Notaries for a late night signing.

The company’s motto was:
“We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”

They were going to sign a simple affidavit. The couple thought the business name of the notary sounded romantic in an erie way. In any case, the vampire(s) showed up a the appointed time.

It was 2am on a rainy night. There was thunder; There was lightening. The couple was cozying up next to the fireplace sipping wine. Then, there was a slow, but emphatic knock on the door. Knock………… knock……….. knock………. Each knock was heavy and decisive, but not frighteningly loud. There was a four second pause between each knock.

Two seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. They both had clean cut hair, and were clean shaven. Everything was normal about these two guys, or at least, so it seemed. The only distinguishing aspect of their appearance was their long black coats. But, it was raining, so perhaps they needed a long trenchcoat, right? Or, was this part of their usual attire?

The couple asked why there were two of them. The answer was, “We like to work in pairs”. The couple gave each other a weird look, and then they asked what was next. Vampire #1 asked to see their identification. The couple gladly handed their drivers licenses over. Vampire #1 stared at the picture of the lady, and said, “That’s a nice picture, you have nice rosy cheeks… you must have good circulation! Do you work out?” Next, Vampire #1 wanted to see the documents. The couple was instructed to sign the documents. Next, it was time for pawprints. Vampire #2 asked for a right thumbprint from the husband. At this point, the wife asked, “Aren’t you asking for a lot? The next thing you will ask for is a DNA sample, a retinal scan, or even a BLOOD SAMPLE.”.

At this point, Vampire #1 exclaimed,
“Funny you should mention that” — and gave a knowing glance to the the other vampire.

Then it was time for the wife’s thumbprint. The husband said to Vampire #2, “You really do spend a lot of time looking over my shoulders and breathing down my neck. Vampire #2 said, “They don’t call us Vampire Notaries for nothing!”. Finally, the wife noticed that Vampire #1 was doing 90% of the work. She asked why one Vampire did almost all of the work. Vampire #2 explained, “I prefer to watch!” — with a delighted look on his face.

After the notary work was all done, the couple paid the notaries. But, Vampire #2 said, “We are not done yet”. The wife asked, “What more could we possibly do?”. Vampire #2 walked over to his briefcase, and whipped out four dixie cups and announced, “It’s time for our midnight elixer!”. Vampire #1 brought a small bottle of sangria, he glanced at the couple’s Anderson Valley Syrah and said, “You are drinking the WRONG type of wine!”.

So, all four of them enjoyed a two ounce sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD) from their little chalices. After that, the vampires were about to part ways with this young couple. The lady said to the man, “They seemed nice, but that was a little strange”.

Right before the vampires walked out the front door, Vampire #1 whipped out a purple light. The couple saw what these guys looked like in the light, and their eyes turned a very disconcerting color, and their teeth turned color too, emphasizing their fangs.

“Oh my god”, screamed the wife.

“Fare well”, retorted the vampires… and left, with the door making a medium-loud clunk as it closed.

The next day, the couple woke up. Everything seemed normal. The husband brushed his teeth. The wife took her shower. They enjoyed a slow breakfast with all of the usual items. Then, it was time for a kiss before going to work. But, the wife noticed something.

“Fred, What are those strange marks on your neck?”

Tweets:
(1) The company’s motto was: “We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”
(2) 2 seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. It was raining, so maybe they needed trenchcoats, right?
(3) Wife: “The next thing you will ask for is a blood sample.”
Vampire Notary: “Funny you should mention that.”
(4) Vampire Notary: “I like your ID picture. You have nice rosy cheeks, you must have good circulation, do you work out?”
(5) After the signing w/Vampire Notary, the 4 of them enjoyed a sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD)
(6) The day after the signing w/the Vampire Notaries the wife asked: “Fred, what are those strange marks on your neck?”
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January 23, 2022

The Notary, The Mafia & The Fedex Drop Box

This was originally published many years ago.

An uneventful signing
It was a gray Monday afternoon in the first week of November. Kary went to her signing with the Thompsons. They signed the documents without too much reading or complaining. Kary had one other signing after that. When all was done, she made her way to the Fedex drop box. She had a habit of always going to that same drop box. It was near her home, and it felt like a safe place to go at night, being a single woman.

Luckily for her she was nowhere near the San Diego mayor’s office.

The Sopranos were en route to the same location she was
This poor woman’s luck — she ran into someone who was still mourning the loss of the great James Gandolfini AKA Tony Soprano. He was such a fan of the show that he decided to pull a mafioso type move on this poor unexpecting woman. This thug Tony Baritone had been in the drug trade for years, but wanted to step it up a notch. His old M.O. was meeting for the swap in a dark alley, giving them the briefcase, taking the package — you know the drill. But, he wanted to do it more like they do in the movies this time. This was his first attempt at simulating the panache of his television alter-ego.

Just about to drop the FedEx and…
So, this woman was just about to drop her package in the box. Her finger was on the handle of the box. She noticed a large garbage backing up about 50 feet away. She disregarded the truck whose distinctive oder was wafting her way. She put the Fedex in the Fedex drop box, and then proceded back to her car. The garbage truck nearly ran her car off the road as she left her parking space. It was so abrupt, she stopped the car to get out and see what this maniac’s problem was.

The garbage truck backed up
The truck had backed up almost into the Fedex box, and had jaws that clamped the Fedex drop box and tore it from its bearings and lifted it into the truck. The woman started screaming, “What are you doing? Are you crazy?”

Blonde #2 appears
Then another blonde lady appeared out of nowhere who looked almost exactly like the notary. She was the same age, same hair color, and same height, and also had a Fedex package that she wanted to drop. The other lady looked very puzzled. She said to herself, “Wait a second, my instructions were to put the Fedex in the drop box and leave — but, that truck just took the Fedex drop box away!” Blonde #2 (also an unnatural blonde) was unbeknowingly carrying $10,000,000 in drug money that she was to deposit in the Fedex box — which was to be removed by the garbage truck. But, their plan got foiled.

We have to get rid of the witness
The driver said to his friend, “We have two problems — the money is not in the Fedex Box, AND, there’s a witness. We need to get rid of the witness, but I can’t tell them apart.”
His friend said,“You have to look for the roots, real blondes have roots — our blond is a real blonde!”
Driver: “No she ain’t, I’ve seen the broad before, she has a different hairstyle every several months”
Friend: “So, you can tell the two chicks apart!”
Driver: “Not from this distance without my glasses. Let’s get my money first. The broad with the package has the money.”

The mafia chases the blonde
So, the driver and his friend jump out of the truck (which is parked in the middle of the boulevard) and run towards the blonde with the Fedex. The irony is that she doesn’t know that they are the intended recipients of the package because her instructions were only to “Put the Fedex in the drop box”. So, she runs away from these scary people — who are actually her boyfriend’s best friends, and the ones who gave the $10,000 to her boyfriend to pay her to do the drop. Meanwhile the notary lady decides to chase after these scumbags to get them to give her package back.

She loses them and then finds them
In the heat of the chase, she loses them, and then finds them again. The other blonde escapes from these thugs, finds the drop box in the back of the garbage truck, puts it in, and runs away. Meanwhile, notary lady catches up to the thugs, and throws her embosser at them — leaving a raised seal of disapproval (in the form of a bruise) on the now unconscious mafia garbage truck driver’s left temple. The irony of the story is that the character with the concealed weapon is not one the mafia characters, but is the notary who was carrying a stainless steel embosser.

The Notary recovers the loan docs
After that, the driver’s friend ran away and the notary proceeded to the unattended garbage truck to pick up her package. She picked up the highest package in the box in such a hurry, she didn’t realize that she had picked up $10,000,000 in dirty drug money. She gets in her car and drives off with her “loan docs” finally in her possession again. She calls the signing company and lets them know about the problem. Then, she proceeds to her nearest staffed Fedex station — where there won’t be any garbage trucks (let’s hope). She pats the package in glee to have gotten it back after a small altercation. But, she notices a distinct bulge in the package that didn’t feel like loan documents.

But, what she had was not really the loan docs after all
The five seconds after she realized that her loan documents were not in her possession, she saw a large garbage truck driving down the street.

Mental note to self: “Take out the garbage”

Tweets:
(1) A notary bumps into Toni Baratone at a FedEx drop box
(2) The garbage truck tore the FedEx drop box from its bearings and took it away!
(3) “We need to get rid of the witness, but I can’t tell the 2 blondes apart”
(4) The Notary takes $10 million in drug money to the Title company by accident.

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January 18, 2022

Low-Ball Signing Co’s? How to get biz directly from Title

Originally published many years ago

Do you get business from low-ball signing companies? Are you sick of it? Aren’t we all.
Notaries do a lot of reactive posts about bad offers, but look at it from a different point of view. Let’s be proactive instead of reactive here.

First of all, it doesn’t matter how many bad offers you get as long as you get a few good offers.

Second of all, if you have little experience or training as a signing agent, you are not entitled to anything better than a low-ball offer.

Third, consider this. Some notaries are saying that low-ball signing companies need notaries more than notaries need them. I think that if this were true, that no notary would work for them. Yet, notaries do work for them. However, if you have had it up to here with these bad offers, here is a not too sophisticated strategy that can get these guys to stop bothering you.

Take an offer from a low-ball signing company. Do a nice job with a smile. Do all the fax-backs, etc. Then, find out who the Title company is who offered this job to the signing company. Contact the Title company directly and offer them your services directly at a reasonable price.

Keep in mind that signing companies are in business for a reason. If they charge $150 and pay the notaries $60, why do Title companies use them in the first place? Signing companies can take huge quantities of work off the shoulders of Title companies with a 100% reliability rate. They not only supervise the work, but they guarantee that all of thework will get done correctly and on time, otherwise they get fired. But, what if you are a responsible notary who is a better quality notary than what those signign companies use and charge $85 to work direct with Title. Okay, that’s not enough. What about $95? Think about it. Make your offer attractive to Title and you can “steal” some Title companies away from these nitwits who keep texting you! Teach them a lesson.

On the other hand, I do not recommend contacting Title companies directly unless you have signed at least 700 loans, are certified by at least three agencies, and have a very stellar track record. Title companies don’t play around with beginner’s luck — they want professionals!

.

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January 16, 2022

Quiz: You know you’re a good Notary when you…

What type of Notary are you? A good one or a bad one? I’m not sure who created the questions for, “You know you’re a redneck if you…”
So, I’ll create my own version of this satirical banter, and come up with my own version for Notaries that will have some technical merit.

You know you’re a bad Notary when you…

(1) Do you fail to call the borrower to confirm the appointment that signing company set, and just show up?
If you don’t call and make sure that all parties involved (watch out for spousal signatures) will be there and on time, with a current ID with matching names — you might be in for some wasted time. If you don’t get the documents signed, you might not get paid. You might waste two hours for nothing because you don’t think you “need” to call the borrowers, or because you were asked not to. It is your appointment and your responsibility!

(2) Do you send loose certificates in the mail?
Lenders and Title companies are notorious for asking notaries to break the law and send loose certiifcates. In some states it is a Misdemeanor if you ask a Notary to do something illegal. Report all illegal requests to your State Notary Division immediately. No second chances!

(3) Do you fail to get certified by all agencies that you purchase “effective” advertising from? Or do you say, I don’t “need” your certification because I’m already “certified” without even disclosing the name of the organization who certified you? There is no such thing as just being “certified” as notary certification is not regulated by any government.

(4) Do you say, “I have my Notary” when you really mean you have your Notary Commission?

(5) Do you fail to use a Notary Journal or Seal simply because your state doesn’t require it? What happens if an investigator asks about a potentially fraudulent transaction you were involved in and you have no evidence for the court? The court case might be really long and you might get in really big trouble.

(6) Do you fail to keep thumbprints of signers in your journal because your state doesn’t require it?
Guess what? You might end up in court if you don’t take thumbprints, especially on transactions affecting high dollar figures such as properties.

(7) Do you fail to administer Oaths to credible witnesses or for Jurats because you are not well enough trained to know how, or even to know that you are required? Or, perhaps you don’t even know what a credible witness even is. Better look this up in your state Notary handbook.

You know you’re a good Notary when…

(1) The hair on your neck stand up straight when you see someone try to sign with a middle initial that doesn’t exist on their identification.

(2) You use an inked seal and an embosser with a raised non-inked seal to make it detectable if pages are swapped or photocopied.

(3) You take copious notes in your journal about the signers, what went on in the signing, and the building / neighborhood where the signing took place to job your memory should you ever be summoned into court.

(4) You sell your car, and buy a few top spots on 123notary.com!

There are many other technical points and best practices that we could address, but for this hopefully entertaining blog entry — that’s all folks!

.

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January 14, 2022

Psych Notary Episode

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (some),Popular Overall,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:54 pm

This was originally published many years ago.

There is a sit-com on Ion television that you can sometimes get on other cable stations called Psych. It’s about a psychic Shawn Spencer and his sidekick Burton Guster. In any case, the psychic is a fake half the time who sees real clues that nobody else saw him see and then pretends to have a vision.

In this episode, a Notary is found dead and his stamp is found missing. The detectives arrive on the scene.

LASSITER: The body is dead — and it’s cold. It could have been lying here for a good seven to ten hours in my estimate. The cause of death seems unclear.

JULES: Let’s take the body to the lab and see if there is any sign of food poisoning. The victim seems to be a Notary Public, and you know how those type of people are — you know — eating on the road on the run.

SHAWN: You’re right. He might have eaten a poisoned fish filet or….wait a second, I’m getting something… (puts his right two fingers to his head) This MAN, did not die from accidental food poisoning (pause)… he was murdered.

LASSITER: You and your unsubstantiated hunches. I just can’t stand it. And what’s worse is that you’re right more than half the time.

SHAWN: Some people say that I’m talented. Oh, and I’m sorry about your tragic breakup.

LASSITER: Yeah… so am I. I really fell for her.

SHAWN: Don’t despair Lassie, there are other fish in the sea… and coral, particularly Staghorn coral.. and sometimes Pillar coral, and it really sucks when that filmy type of algae gets stuck on the coral.. hmmm. I wonder how that happens. But, I digress. My point is that I’m sure you’ll find someone else.

GUS: Yeah… You’ll find someone. Algae on coral? Ain’t no algae on coral.

SHAWN: I’ve seen it. At least half a dozen times.

GUS: Where?

SHAWN: Snorkeling

GUS: Since when do you snorkel?

SHAWN: I snorkel… Why, you didn’t think I snorkeled? I’m a snorkeler. And I can communicate with fish too. Watch this (puts face near the fish tank and blows bubbles in the air) bubble bubble bubble… See. I told you. I am all about the sea.

JULES: Well, we’ll have to inspect the scene thoroughly and then round up some suspects. Hmm. It seems that this man is a Notary, yet his Notary seal seems to be missing. Perhaps this Notary was murdered to cover up a botched notarization.

LASSITER: Or perhaps the Notary had an exclusive contract with his boss, and his boss found out….

SHAWN: That the Notary was cheating on him… I think you’re projecting, Lassie. Your ex-girlfriend.

LASSITER: She never cheated on me! She was arrested for conspiracy.

SHAWN: Sure she didn’t. I understand. We need to know who the last one who was in the room was — and that man (or woman) will be… the killer.

GUS: What if there were two of them.

SHAWN: Okay… I’m getting something. (puts right fingers to side of head). I know who the killer is… or should I say… “Killizz”

LASSITER: According to this security footage, a well known gangster named Tommy Walker was the last man to come here.

SHAWN: Wait a second, I recognize those finger tattoos. Put them all together, one one hand is says love, and on the other hand’s fingers it says hate. And mom told me not to use four letter words. The killer had a document missing a page and the Notary refused to sign it. So, the killer murdered the Notary, stole the Notary’s stamp and backdated the notarization so that it would APPEAR to have been done long before the murder even though it would not be recorded until after because of some last minute travel arrangements gone bad.

JULES: How do you come up with this?

SHAWN: I have a natural gift.

(Meanwhile the main suspect Tommy Walker, a hardened criminal is at home eating fruit loops and watching the muffets when our dynamic team of sleuths barges in)

LASSITER: (pointing gun) You’re under arrest for the Murder of John Q Smith, Notary Public at large.

TOMMY: I didn’t kill him. He just died shortly after our Notary appointment.

SHAWN: Ah-ha, but your Notary appointment yielded no actual notarization. Or did it. Wait a second… I”m getting something (see’s notarized form in the bag) I see a … win a trip for two to Disney Land…

GUS: Shawn!

SHAWN: Oh, sorry, no… check right behind the Disneyland document and you will find the incriminating document. Yes… A falsified Power of Attorney with a classic missing page… The NNA warns people about that type of situation.

JULES: Oh my God Shawn. You’re right. This Notarization was dated several days ago, but the ink is still fresh.

SHAWN: Caught… in the act. And… we happen to have access to this Notary’s Notary journal which has no record of your transaction on May 5th, “el cinco de Mayo” of the Power of Attorney in question. Which proves that either the Notary kept lousy records, or that you faked the notarization. We’ll have to take the form to the lab so that Woody can inspect the ink for aging.

TOMMY: Okay, I did it. I stole the Notary’s seal, but I didn’t kill him. The killer

SHAWN: Or “Killizz”

TOMMY: is STILL at large. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy. In the mean time… hello travelocity.

JULES: Not so fast. We have the right to detain you until we resolve this.

GUS: Good thing this Notary kept good records because many Notaries on 123notary don’t think they need to keep a journal since their state doesn’t require it. And the ones in California who are required, don’t understand that each document and signature require their own journal entry. You can’t just put them all on the same line and expect that to be a legal record.

SHAWN: How do you know all this?

GUS: Because I used to be a commissioned Notary Public for the state of California, County of Santa Barbara — thank you very much for asking.

SHAWN: Oh cool, so can you notarize my stuffed penguin I’ve had since childhood?

GUS: You never had a stuffed penguin.

SHAWN : Did too, you just never saw it.

GUS: Where did you keep it?

LASSITER: Gentlemen, let’s be done with this inconsequential rambling and get to the task at hand. We need to take Tommy into custody and then question him. Meanwhile, we need to see Woody to see what the autopsy reveals.

WOODY: Hmmm, I’ve checked the body thoroughly and it seems that the Notary was administered a tiny amount of poison that would make him drowsy for just the amount of time it would take Tommy to borrow the Notary’s seal, stamp a document, return the seal and then leave. Tommy probably figured the Notary wouldn’t suspect a thing. HOWEVER, since the Notary had an allergy to some of the chemicals in the poison, the Notary died on the spot. Although the death was accidental, the poisoning was not.

LASSITER: Involuntary manslaughter. Tommy will get a much shorter sentence. A petty crime gone wrong.

SHAWN: Couldn’t the Notary die on an x, or on a dotted line instead of on the spot. Wouldn’t that be cooler.

GUS: Shawn! A notary can’t die on an x marks the spot. That’s ridiculous. He could die on a chair.

SHAWN: Or a gezebo. Or … wait a second, or a pagoda. But, that would probably only be a Japanese Notary.

GUS: Unless it was an American tourist Notary who was on vacation in a place where there are pagodas.

SHAWN: True, but would the American Notary carry their seal with them to Osaka to a pagoda and then just die there?

GUS: I don’t know. But, the Notary seal might drop out of his bag while he was bowing. When Americans bow, they bow too low. Japanese bow just a little bit — just the right amount.

SHAWN: How do you know so much about bowing?

GUS: I studied Hokkaido style karate — that is how I know. And if you studied that too, the knowledge would come from within you.

SHAWN: Right now the only thing coming from within me is an intense desire to eat a pineapple. Wanna share one?

GUS: Okay!

LASSITER: You guys are both insane. But, we cracked the case and we can all go home now, except for Tommy who’s going to do some real time.

SHAWN: Yes, unless he also finds a way to backdate his prison sentence!

.

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January 13, 2022

A notary gets sued, but E&O won’t help out!

This was originally published many years ago.

We had a notary public whose name will remain anonymous. I will not disclose her location either. But, she is being sued because a lender pulled a fast one on a borrower. The borrower is suing everyone connected to the loan. But, the borrower should know that the notary public has nothing to do with the loan, doesn’t know the lender, and doesn’t benefit from the loan other than to collect their small fee.

The story gets worse though. This notary’s E&O insurance policy wouldn’t help out with any of the legal expenses, or potential damages simply because they claim that the notary never made a clerical error which is true.

The notary public went to get legal counsel, and a neighbor / friend of the notary public offered to help at a discounted rate. But, the discounted estimate for the entire case was $30,000. It doesn’t make sense to me why a notary should pay $30,000 to defend themself from a false accusation.

In any case, we should pray for this notary public, so that she can get off the hook of being falsely accused. She did nothing wrong and shouldn’t suffer like this.

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January 10, 2022

She was on another directory for 8 years w/o a single call. Then she joined 123notary!

Filed under: General Stories,Popular Overall — Tags: , , — admin @ 8:59 am

This was originally published many years ago.

My assistant Adine just talked with a Notary who had a wonderful testimonial about 123notary. Adine was calling a long list of people to tell them winning techniques for getting reviews on their 123notary profiles. One of the people she called told her that she had been on another popular Notary directory for eight years — and without a single call. Then, she joined 123notary and the phone started ringing off the hook.

Everyone has a different experience on 123notary ranging from immediate success to almost no results. But, it is always refreshing to hear dramatic stories about the effectiveness of our site. This story reminds me of a quote that one of my writers came up with for Twitter a few years ago.

“Sell your car and buy a top spot on 123notary”

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January 7, 2022

The Joy of Saying NO

This was published originally many years ago.

A call comes in from SSS (Sleazy Signing Service) asking if I was available to do a notary job. “Yes” I reply; please tell me more. The job is “precisely” 1.3 miles from your location. It has a single “tiny” PDF. There are “about” 12 pages, and we will provide a return account number for making a UPS label, at no cost to you. I am starting to get the feeling that this is a bottom fisher, but am curious as to the location. Where is the signing to be done? They give a location in the middle of Manhattan, the absolutely worst place for traffic. Mass transit also goes there but the service is quite slow and the waits for bus or train are lengthy. The subway train is faster, but the platforms are not air conditioned and it’s like standing next to a pizza oven.

“Shall I send you a confirmation and the docs?” You can, but first you need to understand how I run my business. I am the seller of the service and set both the price and the payment terms. My fee is $150 (much more than I usually charge, but I had a bad feeling and wanted to get rid of this particular SSS); and that is payable within the next 10 minutes on my site, via PayPal, prior to my printing of the documents.

We don’t work that way, we are willing to pay $40, and you will have to include an invoice when you return the completed documents and we will send a check during our next disbursement cycle; are you interested? No. I didn’t hear you, please repeat what you said. No. Dial tone.

Of course this is an extreme example. Their offer of $40 would entail at least 2 hours of effort, and the expenditure of over a gallon of near 5$ fuel. You know the components of doing any notary work. Calls, printing, travel, record keeping, trip to UPS, dunning for peanuts (in this case), etc. What I can’t understand is the (feigned?) surprise at SSS when I declined their offer. Are there notaries out there who will jump for any lowballer offer? I sure hope not.

However, NO is not always the best answer and you can’t say that “perhaps” or “maybe” you will take the assignment. But you CAN tell them you will be accepting the assignment – AND – will be checking their reputation. If you find they have a negative or no reputation, you will be requiring that they pay “up front”. Some might never mention that process, and will choose to do their “credit checking” as soon as they can get to a computer. If they have a good history, just do the job. But, if they have a bunch of negatives – call and “require” payment in advance.

Back to the fee amount. You know what you must charge to earn a living. Isn’t it about time that you put your foot down and declined lowball offers. Some notaries are out there taking the low fees; and the SSSs in this world have endless phone time to find them. Are you fed up with finding on the HUD that the SSS received $250 and your share is $75? I work with several very honorable Signing Services that take 25$ to 50$ “off the top”. But I always receive the majority of the fee. The reason you don’t is that you have trouble saying NO. Practice, look in the mirror and repeat NO NO NO – I refuse to allow anyone to take advantage of me.

I’m sitting at my PC typing this for you. I am exceedingly happy that I do NOT have a toxic receivable of $40 to chase after putting in 2+ hours in midtown traffic. I prefer to try to influence my fellow notaries to just say NO to the lowballers. You can do it, think: NO NO NO. After you decline the first lowballer you will feel great, and will be ready to “dump” the ones that follow.

.

You might also like:

The art of the decline — to new Notary jobs
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15783

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January 2, 2022

Welcome to the Notary Hotel

Originally posted many years ago

Welcome to the Notary Hotel.

Borrower: “Hello, I’d like to file a formal complaint. The notary didn’t come with a complimentary continental breakfast!”
Clerk: “Sorry about that, but breakfast is only from 6am to 9am weekdays and from 7am to 10am on weekends.”
Borrower: “Also, the notary didn’t sanitize my thumb after thumb printing me!”
Clerk: “Oh, really, I’ll have to write that notary up!”
Borrower: “Aren’t I supposed to get a mint on the top of my loan document stack?”
Clerk: “Hmm, that is part of the Notary Hotel’s branding. I’m really sorry about that.”
Borrower: “Also, the Notary didn’t observe the don’t disturb sign while I was reading the Settlement Statement!”
Clerk: “Oh brother, it’s time we fire that Notary!”
Borrower: “I asked the Notary to give my wife a wake up call when the signing was finished. She fell asleep halfway through the Affidavit of Occupancy.”
Clerk: “It is safe to assume that the Notary failed to give you your complimentary wake up call. Tell me, was there anything good about your signing?”
Borrower: “Well, the Notary gave me some lemongrass moisturizer and a shower cap! I enjoyed those.”
Clerk: “So, there is a silver lining on the cloud next to every shower-head!”
Borrower: “The Notary wanted to kick us out three minutes before check out time while I was reading the automatic payment transfer authorization.”
Clerk: “I’ll add that comment to your file.”
Borrower: “At least I was given two hours of free wi-fi during my stay!”

Clerk: “Did you try out our unique cable T.V. system? You can get 328 complimentary channels including — the signing channel!”
Borrower: “You make me feel like I really missed out!”
Clerk: “Next week we’re having a special. Sign a line of credit while you’re in line for Belgian waffles.”
Borrower: “Oh, you’re going to make waffles for us?”
Clerk: “Not exactly, you stand in line so you can make them yourself. When you think about it, we should be paying you to stay here and stand in line so many times. You stand in line to check in, check out, use the shower for the “equity pool,” and also to make waffles! We’re going to have to do something about those lines!”
Borrower: “You’ve got a point there!”
Clerk: “I’m sorry you had a negative experience. To make it up to you, next time you stay with us, we’ll let you upgrade at no cost to one of our signature rooms, if one is available at the time of your stay!”
Borrower: “If a signature room is not available, I’ll assume that you’ll give me an upgrade to an ‘initial’ room, a condensed version of the same thing?”
Clerk: “Actually, I never thought of that, but we do have digital signature rooms that are also often available. Instead of having a key to the room, you get a password. The welcome mat is a huge signature scanning pad — you’ll love it. Digital Signature rooms come with virtual windows with views of anyplace in the world. The cable T.V. is also very different. Instead of paper-view, it comes with paperless-view because it’s digital.

Borrower: “The other thing that I didn’t understand is that my room key was in the shape of a stamp. Instead of swiping it in a reader like other hotels, I had to affix a digital stamp of my seal on what looked like a scanner. Very perplexing. My notary seal digital key also had commission room number 314 an expiration date of 11am the next morning. I guess that is check out time.”
Clerk: “Well, we like to maintain a notary theme at all times. After all, this is the Notary Hotel. Just thank god we don’t have eight digit commission room numbers on the digital seal!”

For those of you who want to visit the Notary Hotel, we have all the amenities. Swimming “equity pools”, business centers, tennis, movies, and of course an endless supply of complimentary blue pens. All you have to do is fax us an order confirmation and sign in once you arrive! Some people stay here their entire commissions!

Tweets:
(1) The Notary Hotel: Does my notarization come w/a wake up call?
(2) The Notary Hotel is so comfortable, some notaries stay there their entire commission.
(3) Their signing took place at The Notary Hotel & the wife requested a wakeup call after the signing was done.
(4) At The Notary Hotel: they didn’t observe the don’t disturb sign while I was reading the Settlement Statement!
(5) At The Notary Hotel, Showtime & HBO are free, but the Signing Channel costs $40 (not including fax backs)
(6) Check out the digital signature rooms at The Notary Hotel

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary Motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Notary RV Park
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16121

Notary Hotel 2 — the sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

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December 18, 2020

Why are the fees offered to us so low you ask?

Filed under: Carmen Towles,Popular on Facebook (A little) — admin @ 3:15 am

Why are the fees offered to us so low?
….because many of you keep taking them. Some folks are new to the profession and don’t know any better. They want to get experience at any cost. Others know better but take them because they are desperate and can’t seem to find better paying work. Whatever camp you fall in you should not be taking low fees. Why? Because it hurts all of us!

Let me give you some history on our profession. Years ago, it use to matter to signing services/companies who they used. There use to be oral and/or written tests given before they would hire you. And with the exception of a few they paid better and more timely. But those days are behind us. Most of them don’t seem really to care. They are looking for the most green, inexperienced notary so they can maximize THEIR profits. Most title and escrow pay anywhere from 150 to 300 per signing and the signing services know this even if you don’t. The money is allocated from borrowers closing fees and the (title/escrow) typically aren’t paying it out of their title/escrow fees, they are charging it the borrowers. So signings don’t cost them anything for the most part. (there are exceptions to this but no need to get into that now, that’s for another blog). 🙂

Many of you ask me why they use signing services in the first place. Bottom line is they use them for convenience. It is easier to just give the service the assignment and let them find a notary. It frees them up and saves them an enormous amount of time to follow lender instructions and make sure all conditions are met so they can close. But over the years as things have slowed up and due to many notary errors many have abandoned signing services altogether. So contrary to what many folks think many of them do still use notaries directly. But the notary signing professions is still over run with companies that are just out to maximize their profits. And this is our fault.

I had a notary just call in the other day and told me that she was offered a sellers package from a signing service for 20.00. (you know they were receiving WAY more than that) 20.00 dollars people! Unbelievable. Just take a moment and let that sink in. That paltry fee is not even worth starting your car up for. Here in Callie we get 15.00 per signature and then if you have to print (god only knows how many pages) and then take them to FedEx or UPS to ship them back, it is just not worth the time, energy or paper.

Now the saddest and worst part about this situation is probably not the ridiculously low fee of 20.00 being offered, it is the fact that although the notary speaking with me refused, we know somebody will/or did accept it. For those of you that have followed my blogs and or spoken with me, I predicted long ago that as long as there are notaries that take low fees, they would persist and they would eventually get lower and lower. That day has come. I too was just recently offered 65.00 to go to a place that is about 40 minutes from me. There were 2 copies needed to be printed, signed and dropped all at FedEx or UPS all for for 65.00. I would never accept such an assignment, even if I were desperate.

I know that a lot of folks don’t really understand this business and the learning curve is quite high. I also know that other notaries once they start to figure things out they don’t share information on pricing/fees. But we need to work together. We need to educate each other that fees need to be fair and reasonable. We are all in this to make a profit. And you can’t make a profit if others are making/taking the majority of the money (signing services) and you are undercutting one another just to say you had some work.

Remember, the goal is to work direct! Marketing and advertising is key to your success in reaching those title and escrow that have had it with signing services. It is time to works smart not hard. Know your worth.

Just some food for thought…

You might also like:

Travel fees if nothing gets signed
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22578

What are mobile notary fees?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21383

Notary Marketing 102 – negotiating fees
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19784

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