NOTARY: Hi, my name is Captain Ronnie, and I’ll be your notary signing agent today. I’m experienced in the airline industry and will make sure your loan lands safely.
BORROWER: I’m more concerned that my loan gets off the ground at this point. By the way, love the captain’s hat.
NOTARY: Well, don’t worry. We’ll begin boarding procedures momentarily. They’ll make an announcement. I’m sorry that I couldn’t have been earlier, but, I was standing for five minutes in the parking area waiting for a shuttle. Then it dawned on me that there are no shuttles servicing your driveway with direct service to the check in area. Silly me!
BORROWER: That’s okay. Which way is the gate? We’re in the hallway now, so should I go into the living room or the dining room?
NOTARY: I think the living room better be the gate, because the dining room will be the plane.
BORROWER: I think I better go out for a cigarette before the captain turns on the no smoking sign.
NOTARY: Good point. I didn’t think of that.
BORROWER: I was instructed to show my identification and boarding pass when boarding the dining room table, and that the names on both must match. Is that true?
NOTARY: Yes, let me see that? I’ll record that information in my journal. Okay, now please remove all metal objects from your pockets and let me scan you.
BORROWER: What about my pen that says Chase Financial?
NOTARY: You are allowed to use that pen, but I’m not allowed to bring a pen with the name of the bank. By the way, I can’t let you into the dining room until you explain what that huge chunk of metal is in your head.
BORROWER: Oh, I had an accident as a kid, and the rest is history.
NOTARY: Got it!
(5 minutes later)
BORROWER: I’m back and all nicotined up — ready for take off. I hope I don’t get jet lag after this signing.
NOTARY: I wouldn’t worry too much about that unless you’re going to a different time zone. But anyway, first let’s get our luggage in the overhead compartment.
BORROWER: This is my dining room. There are no overhead compartments and I have no luggage.
NOTARY: That makes it all the easier.
ANNOUNCEMENT: The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Please return to your seat and put on your seat belt.
NOTARY: The emergency exits are (making hand gestures) to the rear of the plane and also to the front. In the event of an emergency, calmly walk to whichever exit is nearest to you. If those exits are blocked, please move immediately to the closest window and jump out. Please bring one of the safety cushions below your seat to break your fall.
BORROWER: There are no safety cushions!
NOTARY: Feel under your chair.
BORROWER: Oh my god! There really are safety cushions. You might as well put a barf bag in the folder to my right, just to be true to your profession!
NOTARY: I brought my own safety devices. See this? It is a self-inflating notary seal. Great for crash landings as well as no-signs! Ooops…
(the self inflating seal popped and inflated itself as fast as an airbag.
BORROWER: Wow, that’s huge. I haven’t seen anything inflate so fast since I visited my neighbor’s teenage son’s bedroom and he showed me his… never mind.
NOTARY: I brought you one too. Yours is an oversized rubber ducky. You can ride if we have an emergency water landing. The experts say we are due for a tsunami sometime in the next few years, so it never hurts to be prepared. But, let’s not accidentally inflate yours too. They are so hard to fold back up.
BORROWER: Gee — thanks. Not exactly what I was expecting, but it is the thought that counts.
NOTARY: Now, we’re ready for take off.
BORROWER: Are you like that comedian who did a take off on take offs?
NOTARY: That was funny. I never thought of that.
BORROWER: This is hillarious… ha ha ha ha ha
ANNOUNCEMENT: The captain has turned off the no laughing sign. You are free to laugh around the cabin.
BORROWER: You are too much.
NOTARY: You think I am too much, wait until you see your APR. It is up in the stratosphere.
ANNOUNCEMENT: The captain has announced that we have successfully taken off. Please grab your pens and commence by looking over the Deed of Trust.
BORROWER: I think I need to use the bathroom. I hope there isn’t a line!
NOTARY: If there is, just use the bathroom towards the cockpit. It’s usually empty.
BORROWER: Okay, I’m looking at the Deed. It has my address correct, the lender information is correct, and the loan amount is correct. I feel like I am on stable ground.
NOTARY: Well, we’re in the air now, but glad you feel stable. I need you to initial each page on the small line in the corner, and sign at the end.
BORROWER: If I don’t like my rate, I’m going to make a paper airplane out of my Note, what do you say?
NOTARY: I think that is a bad idea, as Notes are not up to FAA standards.
BORROWER: I never thought of that.
NOTARY: Now, you’re beginning to sound like me. Now, let’s look at the Truth in Lending
ANNOUNCEMENT: The captain has announced that there will be turbulent weather ahead. Please firmly attach your seatbelt and finish your drinks.
BORROWER: No offence, but how come you didn’t offer me a choice of root beer or Pepsi and those airplane peanuts.
NOTARY: Oh I do, I usually wait until we have been in flight for about twenty-five minutes.
BORROWER: Okay, the TIL is not that bad. Why is my APR higher than my rate?
NOTARY: That is because of FAA regulations which require APR’s to fly at a higher altitude unless it is a loan that doesn’t include fees.
BORROWER: I never heard it explained that way, but I must say that I like your explanation.
ANNOUNCEMENT: We will be serving drinks and refreshments in a moment. Please adjust your seat to an upright position.
BORROWER: Okay, now it is time for peanuts, right?
NOTARY: We offer a snack pack for five dollars. Due to tight profit margins in the airline industry, we can no longer afford to give free peanuts.
BORROWER: No free peanuts? What kind of a Notarial airline is this?
NOTARY: Just kidding! Here are some peanuts, and pretzels. I brought some lemons and sugar too for fresh lemonade!
BORROWER: You are the best.
NOTARY: And don’t forget not to spill your drink on the loan documents! Keep it on a separate tray or chair as a safety precaution.
BORROWER: I would if the guy in front of me would put his seat in its upright position. BTW, Is that FAA mandated?
ANNOUNCEMENT: We will be landing in twenty minutes. Please finish your loan signing by the appointed time as the captain has another appointment immediately after landing.
BORROWER: Well, I don’t like to be rushed, but I do have a three day right to cancel if I find any issues with the loan after we are done.
NOTARY: Correct, and your borrower copies are in the overhead cabinet or under your seat.
BORROWER: Got it. Above the safety flotation device. Okay, the other documents seem pretty straight forward.
(10 minutes later)
BORROWER: Okay… I’m done signing.
NOTARY: Just sign my journal here, here and here. I’ll put the journal on your tray once you get the remains of your peanuts off.
BORROWER: Okay, here we go. (bump) Ooops. There was some sudden turbulence, and my signature went off the page.
NOTARY: That’s okay. It’s my journal. Just sign again above it. The county clerk only looks at your recorded documents, not at my journal.
BORROWER: Got it. Okay, done…
NOTARY: I need a thumbprint for the recorded documents as well.
BORROWER: I’m all thumbs. Here we go.
ANNOUNCEMENT: The captain has announced that we will be landing in one minute. Please return your seats to their upright position and keep your seat belts on. Please refrain from visiting the bathroom at this time. In the event of a crash landing, please lean forward.
BORROWER: Okay, thanks for the signing. Can I go home now?
NOTARY: You are home. We’ve landed at First American International Airport, and I have to go to my next gig. Enjoy the rest of your lemonade!
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