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May 22, 2019

Jaywalking with Jay Leno and a few Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:31 am

I was just watching Jay Leno on youtube and was wondering what would happen if he did his routine on people about Notary work.

JAY: Let me ask you something. What do you call the place where a Notary is taking place?

JAMES: That’s easy… the place!

FRED: Wait, wouldn’t it be the locality.

SALLY: How about an SS. Isn’t that on the form?

JAMES: No, that’s a World War Two German soldier.

JAY: Can you explain to me what an Affiant is?

MANDY: I’m stumped. Isn’t that a document that goes to a different country?

SARAH: No, that’s Apostille.

JAY: Name one country in Africa

CRAIG: Ummm. France?

JAY: Name one Notary act

JAMES: Ummm, a subscribing witness?

JAY: That’s a person not an act. Hmm. I’m beginning to see why so many people are upset with Jeremy. He’s asking them questions they don’t have a clue about. No wonder they are mad. Why don’t they just study. They are supposed to know this stuff anyway, aren’t they?

JEREMY: Yes. It is not only bad that most Notaries don’t know their basics, but dangerous to those who hire them and all parties involved in any transaction they notarize.

JAY: Okay Jeremy. Name a country in Africa.

JEREMY: Sierra Leone, illegal diamond trafficking capitol of Africa. And then there is Lethotho, a landlocked country within South Africa where they speak Khosa, the language with the clicking sounds. Let’s not forget about Djibouti, a small country near the Tigri region of Ethiopia where they eat injira with durham wheat as their staple food.

JAY: You lost me on that one. All I want to know is ….

JEREMY: No, they do not drive classic cars in those countries… probably..

JAY: You read my mind.

.

You might also like:

What are Jeremy’s favorite blog entries?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18837

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May 16, 2019

Notary Quiz of the day

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:30 am

Notaries hate being tested, but love reading Notary tests on blog entries for some reason. I’ll have to ask my psychic why that is. Maybe it is because they are not on the spot with this. Here is a fun quiz of the day.

1. Notaries notarize
(a) Documents
(b) People
(c) Signatures
(d) Signatures on Documents
(e) People’s signatures on documents.

2. Initials. If you initial a change on a loan document, where should the initial go?
(a) To the right of the crossed out text
(b) To the left of the crossed out test
(c) Above the crossed out text
(d) Anywhere around the crossed out text
(e) Below the crossed out text to the right.

The processor I used to work for did not want me to cross out the text, but initial below the text and below the right end of the text. The processing dept. would do the rest according to good old Emily. I wonder how she is.

3. What is the difference between a conflict of interest, interest, financial interest, and beneficial interest? This reminds me of the joke about the Mortgage Broker who left the industry in 2008 because he lost interest.

4. A Notary was asked to notarize a document with no signature line. What should the notary do?
(a) Ask the borrower to write in a signature line.
(b) Tell the borrower that he cannot notarize the document without a signature and signature line.
(c) Write in the signature line himself.
(d) Refuse to notarize the document.
(e) Call Carmen at 123notary and ask for help.

5. A Notary does a job for an old lady at a hospital notarizing a document. The notary asked the lady if she understood the document and she said yes. Two months later all parties were in court because the lady did not understand what she had signed. What should the notary have done?
(a) Ask the lady to paraphrase the document.
(b) Tell the lady how he went to the white house to visit President Johnson and see how she reacts.
(c) Stick to jail signings — they might be criminals, but at least they are in their right mind (whatever that means.)
(d) Start a conversation about current events to do a “reality test.”

6. A Notary was asked to notarize at the peace process. The Palestinians said you can’t have peace without a process. The Israelis said you can’t have peace without security. The Notary said you can’t have a notarization without a signature. After a long discussion, the Palestinians wanted to be acknowledged twice for one signature, Since the Israelis wouldn’t acknowledge the existence of their people, at least a Notary could acknowledge their signature twice to compensate. What is wrong with this picture?

(a) The Palestinians wanted to trade one Israeli signatures they had captive for two hundred Palestinian signatures as a peace initiative.
(b) The signer is the only one who can acknowledge a signature, not a Notary.
(c) An Israeli Notary will not acknowledge a Palestinian signature until they acknowledge the State of Israel’s signature.
(d) Yes, a single signature can be acknowledged multiple times, but it is the signer who does the acknowledging.

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May 11, 2019

A new category in the Notary census

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:13 am

The traditional categories on Notary census counts for race would be non-hispanic-white, hispanic white, non-hispanic white, black or “african-american”, hispanic, asian or pacific islander, etc. But, now due to the cultural divide in the United States, there is a huge divide between those who are white, and those who are “huwight.” And I assure you that those who identify as being hwite or huwight are not hispanic… although these days you never know, especially in remote parts of Texas (yee-haw…)

If you live in a large urban center, say politically correct things and enjoy having sushi on the weekends, you are white.

But, if you drive a pick up, listen to country music, vote republican, and have a selection of sawed off shot guns and rifles bolted to the back window of your pick up truck, it is more likely (although sometimes it can be ambiguous) that you are definitely “huwight.” If you refuse to notarize on Sundays, you are definitely huwite. If you take offense when someone calls you while you are having dinner or after 7:45 in the evening or if you are at a baseball game (how is the caller supposed to know?) then you are most certainly huwite.

If your family escaped from Fidel Castro, or the political tyranny of Argentina, you look Anglo, but racially identify only with brown skinned races for cultural reasons, first of all you fail to understand the difference between culture and race, and secondly… you are white… hispanic white. But, racially hispanic white is still just white with a slightly different accent and cultural heritage. The DNA still matches despite all of your inane and illogical claims of being a different race (this one is for my chiropractor.)

If you are Cuban, Republican and living in Florida (running for policical or notorial office), and are confused about how to identify yourself on the Notary census form. Just take this simple test. Which statement sounds more like something you would say?

1. My grandparents were hard working immigrants who played by the rules and did their best to learn the language and fit in.
2. I’ve noticed that the Chinese pot sticker dumplings are a lot more flavorful up in Dallas than this rinky dinky town we live in down here.
3. What did you say about my daddy?

If you picked one, then your name is Marco Rubio, you play by the rules, most people like you, and you are likely to be our nation’s next leader, and you will probably declare “arroz con pollo” to be our next national dish to please your Cuban grandparents. And I’m cool with that providing you don’t over do the garlic.

All right folks, that about sums it up!

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May 10, 2019

A Notary Comedian

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:28 am

I went to see comedy live, but did not know what the show would be like.

COMEDIAN: Are all of you Notaries out there?

CROWD: Not me.

COMEDIAN: And you came anyway? I guess someone didn’t read the Yelp reviews.

WAITRESS: Would you like another drink?

FRED: No close me. Close me like a microwave over.

WAITRESS: You mean close me out?

FRED: Close me up, down in or out. I need my change.

COMEDIAN: So, I joke about Notary issues mainly. Umm. I grew up in Memphis, but then moved to St. Louis when I was 15. I legally changed my name to Affidavit HUDson. My parents thought I was crazy, but I thought that would look really good on a notary stamp. By the way, this is a great crowd. Where are you from?

LANCE: St. Paul

COMEDIAN: So, if I crack a mediocre joke, are you going to give me a mini-haha?

LANCE: Ah, ha ha. Very funny.

COMEDIAN: At least you’re not from New Hampshire. They were going to change the insignia from “live free or die, to notarize free or die.” Their license plates are made in prison. Well thank God there’s no place such as Notary prison. Can you imagine a place where fraudulent Notaries get locked up?

FRED: I bet they would have overcrowding. I know a lot of very unscrupulous Notaries. So much for being a profession of integrity.

NOTARY: Hey, I resent that. I play by the book.

COMEDIAN: Are any of the pages ripped out?

NOTARY: No, but I like to read page four over and over again. It gives me a deep sense of satisfaction.

COMEDIAN: Is that the page where they go over what types of identification you can accept legally?

NOTARY: That… and more…

LANCE: How come green cards are pink. I just can’t figure that one out. I dated a chick who came illegally and she was so happy when she got her green card. She said, “Aren’t you happy for me?” I said, “I would have been if the damn thing were actually green.”

COMEDIAN: Maybe you were green with envy. Anyone from California?

LINDA: I am

COMEDIAN: Is it true that if you make a mistake you have to start all over again with a new form?

LINDA: If you make a mistake you have to get an abortion.

COMEDIAN: No, not that type of mistake. A Notary mistake.

LINDA: Oh, that kind of mistake. I just use Notary protection. I’ve never had a problem.

COMEDIAN: Has anyone ever had a signer refuse to be thumb printed?

FRANK: I had a guy refuse to swear. He didn’t believe in it.

COMEDIAN: Well tell him – you don’t believe in swearing, but I don’t believe what you are saying unless you swear to it.

LINDA: I don’t believe in affirming — my name is Linda Collins and I affirm this statement.

FRED: I had a guy who didn’t believe in signing.

COMEDIAN: One of those. Good God. Have you ever gone to a notarization where the signer was interested in you, or creepy?

LINDA: Every signing is like that. I am a mobile notary. If it is for a single guy, it’s creepy. But, I try not to wear anything too sensual to the signing.

FRANK: I should hope not!!! Just sensual enough.

COMEDIAN: I sit at the table where I can see the door and where I am the closest one to the door just in case. You never know. Has anyone notarized a kidnapper before?

WAITRESS: I notarized for someone who kept me waiting 30 minutes to get paid. That was kind of like being held hostage. But, he left a good tip, so it was okay in the long run.

COMEDIAN: I hope he paid you for waiting time.

WAITRESS: I had worked more than 40 hours, so I got waiting time and a half.

LINDA: I once had a signing at a house that was infested. I had to arrange to meet the signer at Starbucks. He brought some bugs with him.

COMEDIAN: Did you try the Jurat-acchino?

FRED: Do you have any Notary jokes?

COMEDIAN: Okay here’s one. Have you ever gotten a job from Snapdocs that paid more than $65

LINDA: Ah ha ha… that was a good one. Actually, I got one, but I had to bargain them up. Is that a term?

FRED: Bargain me up, bargain me down. Isn’t that like 50 shades of grey?

LINDA: How did you know that was my favorite film besides Titanic?

COMEDIAN: Okay here’s another one. Did you hear about the guy who signed up on 123notary who Jeremy didn’t test?

LINDA: What? Is that even possible?

COMEDIAN: Just kidding… see… that was a joke.

LINDA: You had me there… ha ha ha.

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May 9, 2019

Donnie Wahlberg and the Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:18 am

DONNIE: Hi, I’m looking for a Notary who is reliable who can help me notarize a few Affidavits.

NOTARY: Well I’m reliable.

DONNIE: Oh you are? That’s great. Because the other Notaries failed to assure me that they were reliable, therefore you’re the one I’m going to hire for my two hundred documents.

NOTARY: Really?

DONNIE: No dumb-ass! You really think I’m going to take your word for it numb-nuts? The fact that you claim to be reliable doesn’t mean jack. This is ridiculous! I’m calling someone else.

DONNIE: Hi, I’m looking for a Notary who is reliable who can help me notarize a few Affidavits.

NOTARY: I’m cooking right now. I’m a bit of a gourmet.

DONNIE: Oh, I have a new brand for you for gourmets with attitude. It’s called “What the Puck, by Wolfgang Puck.”

(disclaimer — this is not a real brand and the reference was for purely comedic purposes and yes, we love Wolfgang Puck’s line of soups by the way in real life. Particularly chicken and wild rice because I like it wild.)

NOTARY: I find that kind of offensive.

DONNIE: Well I find it offensive that you act like you’re on vacation during a fricking business call. Get your head out of your ass and let me know if you wanna work or not?

NOTARY: I politely decline.

DONNIE: I’ll have to find someone else for my 200 Affidavits that I’m paying $10 per head for.

NOTARY: I changed my mind, I’m so behind on my payments.

DONNIE: You’re behind on payments because you put recreation ahead of work as a matter of practice. I need to find a real Notary who takes life seriously. (slams phone down)

DONNIE: (ring-ring) Hi, I need a Notary to notarize a few Affidavits.

KEN: Sounds super. Can you read the name as it appears on your ID?

DONNIE: What’s it to you buddy?

KEN: It’s a legal requirement and believe me, I’m not asking you for the pleasure of asking.

DONNIE: Fair enough. It says…. Donnie Wahlberg, Donnie spelled with an i.e. at the end like your giving an example. And Wahlberg which has an “h” after the a, and the berg has an “e”, not a “u”, not that there’s anything wrong with having a “u”.

KEN: Well I don’t have a “u”, nor do I have anything against “u.”

DONNIE: And you never will.

KEN: You’re probably not my type anyway, but it never hurts to meet new people.

DONNIE: You know something… I like you. You ain’t that bad! You didn’t say nuttin’ stupid like those other nitwits I talked to.

KEN: Hey, don’t knock it. I get a lot of work cleaning up after those clowns. Too bad the clown schools aren’t taking applications because then they could become professional clowns.

DONNIE: I’m not sure I want someone squirting me with water at a signing.

KEN: All I can say is just hope to god they don’t have cream pie for desert after the signing is over. You never know where that could go.

DONNIE: Yeah, tell me about it. You’re hired. By the way, 200 documents isn’t a problem for you, right?

KEN: cha-ching! I hit the jackpot. It just means more journal entries and a little self-massage of my hand when it cramps up. By the way, do you happen to have any good massage oil?

DONNIE: I actually know of some good brands from Whole Foods that my new girlfriend just tipped me off to. She just finished school to become a Thai masseuse, but she’s Irish which is another story.

KEN: Oh really. Tell me more… And by the way, she’ll have to change her accent. People go to Thai massage to hear, “Sawat de ka” and “I do for you.” and not “Ay, the luck of leprichauns… my father O’Flanahan knows a wee over two thousand stories about those creatures he told me as a lass, he did.”

DONNIE: A point well taken. I’ll take her to one of those accent reduction places for people whose American accent is too thick.

KEN: I like it! Just have her put a little nasal into it and whine a little bit. She’ll be perfect.

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May 8, 2019

A mean notary reads a book called, “turning the xyz around.”

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:27 am

Disclaimer — this blog will not be suitable for those of you who take pleasure in taking offense at everything. For those of you adults who relish in being offended, I recommend you hang out on college campuses where you can make some friends on your own maturity level and mentality.

Once upon a time, there was a nice Notary. But, this nice Notary (named Sam… or you could call him “Sam the nice Notary” if you prefer) got stepped on too many times by everyone from politically correct a-holes to women, to mean people in general, to mean people who dispatch jobs at signing companies (who often use SnapDocs, but not always). Sam had had enough. So here is what he did.

Sam was at the car dealership and these two inconsiderate and condescending blond women in their 30’s had brought their big doggies. Sam was an animal lover, so he talked to the doggies in a nice, but slightly high pitched voice. The ladies looked at him and laughed since he wasn’t acting manly enough for their taste. Then Sam talked a little more to the doggies (Sam is convinced that animals understand him) and learned some things from the doggies. He also was considerate enough to let them sniff his Notary seal and lick it a little bit.

SAM: Umm…. ladies… I just had a little talk with your doggies. And they wanted me to relay this message to you. They tried to tell you themselves, but you don’t really understand animal language too much.

CONDESCENDING LADIES: Yes (laughing)

SAM: Doggie says you are too rough with him yanking him around by his leash, and you also don’t talk nicely enough either. He says you need to act more sensitive, and also more feminine with him. And if you have difficulty doing that — just use the same technique I use — pretend that you are a woman!

CONDESCENDING LADIES: What? Uhhhh! (in shock)

NEARBY GUY: That was cold bro. I love the way you handled that. Whatever you’re reading, I need to start reading.

SAM: It’s a book called “Turning the S&*T around.”

NEARBY GUY: I’m definitely going to check that out on Amazon.

Then, the Notary walked down the street and saw a very lovely looking lady. He casually winked and the dialogue went a little like this:

NOTARY: “Hi beautiful.”

LADY WALKING BY: “If you think that line is going to work with me, you’ve got another thing coming.”

NOTARY: “Oh no, I think you misunderstood me. I didn’t say that your ATTITUDE was beautiful, I said that you were.”

LADY WALKING BY: “Ouch!!! I deserved that.”

NOTARY: Sure did.

The next day the Notary went to a restaurant and sat next to two young 25-ish Asian (Chinese-American) females who were complaining about men.

ASIAN GIRL #1: (squeaky high pitched voice) Hey Shelly, I just hate it when white guys like me. Ohhh. I think they have an Asian fetish or something.

ASIAN GIRL #2: I know, don’t you hate that? Why can’t they just stick to their own kind? Why do they have to like us?

NOTARY: Ladies, I just overheard a conversation between two Asian ladies down the street who were about 32-ish which seems to be about seven years older than you. They looked just like you, and guess what they were talking about?

ASIAN GIRL #1: Umm, what?

NOTARY: The first girl was crying and said, “Men don’t approach me anymore. They used to, and I took it for granted and now I’m 32 and they don’t even notice me. Boo hoo. Do I look over the hill? I’m still attractive aren’t I? That’s you guys in just a few years. The clock is ticking so if you’re not married, stop bitching and find someone you do like rather than complaining about people you don’t like. That’s as stupid as complaining about bad offers from companies on SnapDocs. The bad offers aren’t the problem. It’s the lack of good offers. So, let’s get going – tick, tick, tick.

ASIAN GIRL #2: Oh. That guys right. Pretty harsh. We’re a bunch of ingrates and don’t realize how good we have it. We’re like two girls who are the ONLY two girls on a desert island where there are 200 men who are all competing for us who have no other choices, at least no other choices that they are comfortable with.

Some of the men are Chinese, white, black, Filipino, etc., and all fighting over us and we just treat them like they don’t exist. They are probably going to die celibate and instead of being sympathetic, we laugh at them — that is until we also end up old maids playing video games just like how I imagine they spend their Friday nights. Thanks Notary man, or whatever we’re supposed to call you.

NOTARY: Ouch!!! The way you put that… Oh and one more thing. White guys have feelings too, so try to think about that. And a preference isn’t a fetish, otherwise you would have to accuse your Chinese-American guys of having an Asian fetish and I’m sure you don’t think of it that way.

ASIAN GIRL #1: Hmmm, that’s a really interesting thing you just said. I’m going to turn that around on the next Chinese guy who shows interest in me just to mess with him during the six years when I still can. Milk it for what it’s worth baby!

NOTARY: And in case my advice doesn’t pan out… or in your case wok out (sorry for the stereotype), I know a great place with great selection of cats.

ASIAN GIRL #2: Yes, thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m going to start looking someone with a stable job who wants to get married the minute I get home on “stable guy who wants to get married.com”

NOTARY: Oh, and one more thing. If you have a Notary fetish, here’s my card. (wink)

ASIAN GIRL #1: You are making me feel so low, and I totally deserve this. I’m so insensitive because our campus only cares about being sensitive to black transgender people. Any other category of people no longer gets any sympathy for anything and it’s considered appropriation to even talk about any other people. And last month it was Jews who got sensitivity, but only Sephardic (am I pronouncing that right?) and not Ashkenazic or Felashim. Isn’t this system of who we are forced to be nice to a bit arbitrary and illogical? No wonder I’ve not learned to be sensitive to humans in general. But, I have an affidavit I need signed for this matrimony website, so I might be seeing you sooner than you think.

NOTARY: Hey don’t knock it. Some ladies love my service so much they have to have it at least once every month.

ASIAN GIRL #2: You weren’t kidding when you were talking about fetishes!

NOTARY: Hey ladies, one at a time… please!!!

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April 27, 2019

Lakota Notary Woman

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:19 am

Perhaps you have seen the film entitled Lakota Woman. Well this blog is about Lakota Notary Woman. She does her Notarizations the tribal way.

SHELLY: Hi, I need something notarized?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Well you have come to the right place. But, I must inform you. We do our notarizations the Lakota way.

SHELLY: Is that something your state notary division requires?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Not exactly. It’s not prescribed and not prohibited. The sun dance on the other hand was illegal for a long time.

SHELLY: Well today’s not that sunny so it shouldn’t be a problem. In any case, here is my document. It is an Affidavit of eye witness. I witnessed a crime taking place and the police wanted me to have this notarized.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Hmmm. Okay, could you sign it in my presence. We need to do a Jurat if you want an Oath with this Affidavit. But, you are the one who chooses what notary act you want. So… would you like a Jurat or something else?

SHELLY: Just as long as it has your stamp.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Yeah… about that. Ummm. How can I explain this to a “wasicun.”

SHELLY: Is that the name for us now? I believe in being politically correct and prefer to be called a “Wasicun-American.”

LAKOTA NOTARY: It means one who is not from our tribe who robs us of our resources. But, because you are paying me, you are giving resources to our people. Hmmm. We’ll have to find a new name for people who meet your description.

SHELLY: How about “Human Being?”

LAKOTA NOTARY: More like, “Human from other tribe who pay us cold hard cash.”

SHELLY: That has kind of a ring to it.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, anyway, politics aside, and with our people, politics is never aside by the way, please sign the document.

SHELLY: Here ya go!

LAKOTA NOTARY: Would you like to swear under Oath or affirm on your honor? Buffalos prefer Oaths but dogs prefer affirmations… oh yes they do, isn’t that right… isn’t that right?

SHELLY: I’ll stick to an Oath.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are the truth, so help you the great spirit?… That’s what we call God around here. It’s a Lakota thing.

SHELLY: I do.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Now…. in our culture, we don’t stamp documents, we do a stampede. WE believe we are the descendants of buffalos. So, I will do a buffalo stampede on your document.

SHELLY: That might tear the document. The police might not like that

(Lakota Notary lady puts on her buffalo outfit… does tribal song and dance to tape recording of buffalos stampeding. Takes toy buffalos and stampedes them across the document and then stamps the document.)

LAKOTA NOTARY: This is a ritual of our people to honor our ancestors the buffalos. Plus we like playing the drum, buffalos and dancing. But, I gave you the 20 second version because I know how you busy people are. But, there is one last thing we do during our buffalo style notarizations.

SHELLY: What is that?

LAKOTA NOTARY: We end it with a buffalo slider burger with green chili from our Zuni brothers from the South in New Mexico.

SHELLY: Oh, yummm. This is good, and just the right size. Thanks, and I’ll call again if I need to be stampeded… I mean notarized.

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April 23, 2019

Notarizing the mafia at a Gelato place

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:36 am

You’ve heard about the Starbucks Notary who gets paid waiting time while sipping on Frappaccinos. Well, now there is the Gelato Notary whose motto is, fuh-getaboutit.

So his clients came in wearing their normal trenchcoats. They stood in line. Louie ordered the blood sorbet, his favorite flavor. After all, it pairs well with a sangria. Vinny ordered the Amorino.

The signer named Frank came in a few minutes later dressed like a respectable business person.

LOUIE: Sign dis, otherwise we’ll make a cement additive out of you.

NOTARY: Could you make a cement additive out of my seal when I give up my commission?

LOUIE: Only if you’s guys cross me.

NOTARY: If I cross you, I would have to initial and date the change.

LOUIE: Don’t worry, the date will be on the death certificate.

NOTARY: Which I might add cannot be notarized.

LOUIE: It can be notarized if I tell you to.

NOTARY: Well the notarization wouldn’t be valid. You see, you can’t notarize vital records.

VINNY: Ain’t nothin’ vital about a death certificate Mr. Notary. Who is dis guy anyways?

FRANK: My constituents expressly asked me not to sign that.

VINNY: Well my constituents…. whatever that is expressly asked me to ask you TO sign it. Capiche?

NOTARY: I am sensing some duress here.

LOUIE: Hey! Stay outta dis Notary. This is between the both of us.

VINNY: And me too.

LOUIE: Yeah, the both of us and him too. Capiche?

NOTARY: It is illegal for me to notarize anything signed under duress.

VINNY: It ain’t illegal unless I say it is. Besides… it ain’t illegal unless you get caught. What a maroon!

FRANK: I have to go now.

VINNY: You ain’t going nowhere.

NOTARY: Don’t you mean anywhere? By the way, I think I’ll get a sorbetto while you’s guys sort this thing out. Oh my god, now I’m talking like you’s guys. By the way, your gelatto is melting.

LOUIE: We’ll mix that in with the cement. Nobody will notice nothing.

FRANK: Let me order a double fudge gelatto before I go.

VINNY: Yeah, for the deal you fudged.

FRANK: Okay… time to go. Bother me again and I’ll report this to the FBI.

LOUIE: You do that.

NOTARY: Do I get paid waiting time?

VINNY: We’ll pay you in gelato.

LOUIE: We’ll also pay you hush money.

NOTARY: Oh, I’ll be the best paid notary in town… My time has finally come.

LOUIE: Just don’t push it otherwise your time will finally end.

NOTARY: Gulp!

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April 21, 2019

The notary who was oral retentive

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:40 am

There once was a Notary named Clyde who was so picky about how he gave his Oaths. Everything had to be worded very particularly. If there was even a word out of place, he would have to rewrite the entire script. Each job got a unique script. And he didn’t like it when the affiants were sloppy about how they answered Oath questions.

CLYDE: Do you solemnly swear that you are a citizen of these great United States of America, so help you God, with liberty and justice for all?

AFFIANT: Yeah, whatever.

CLYDE: I beg your pardon. Whatever is not an acceptable answer. I would like a clear and definitive yes.

AFFIANT: Yes…. definitively. Boy are you anal.

CLYDE: I’m only anal retentive about signatures and dates on documents. About verbal acts I’m oral retentive.

AFFIANT: I never heard that one before.

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April 16, 2019

Notary small talk at bars

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:48 am

FRANK: So, do you sign here often?

SAMANTHA: Actually, I just came for a Manhattan.

FRANK: Oh, shouldn’t that be called New York County in the venue?

SAMANTHA: Only if you actually drink it in Manhattan. We’re in New Jersey.

FRANK: Oh yeah. I should have known with all of this big hair. Hey, bartender, I’ll have the ink with lime … neat.

BARTENDER: Can I see some ID?

FRANK: Hey, I’m a Notary… I ID you, not the other way around.

BARTENDER: How about we ID each other. Deal?

FRANK: I can’t live without my lime. Hey, how come there’s lyme’s disease but no other citrus diseases.

SAMANTHA: Yeah! Hey I have a question. If a bad car is a lemon, what do you call a bad lemon.

BARTENDER: I call it a car. Just kidding. Would you like wedge of a bad lemon?

FRANK: I just tried the lemon sorbetto in Beverly Hills. Excellent stuff. But, they mix the lime with basil.

SAMANTHA: I bet Thai people would like that. Lime and basil are their favorite flavors. So, bartender. Do you have a signature drink? Can I notarize the signature in the drink?

BARTENDER: I’ll never work in a Notary bar again. All people do is complain about 123notary and Snapdocs, then they crack these lame jokes faster than the ice defrosting on my counter cracks.

FRANK: Well we have a lot to complain about. We’re either being low-balled, or quizzed. I’m not sure which is worse. At least the low-ballers don’t quiz us because they want to keep us dumb.

SAMANTHA: Yup, it’s the dumbing down of American Notaries. If people would just study from 123notary’s free blog courses they would be smarting up. Just what the government doesn’t want. Because then we will see through all of their veneer.

FRANK: Are you defending this testing that is going on? I know everything I need to know about Notary work.

BARTENDER: Didn’t you get a 35% on Jeremy’s test.

FRANK: Well… um.. yeah, but the test wasn’t fair. Some of his questions were opinionated. Like the one about confirming a signing. Who does he think he is to recommend that I have them read the name on their ID. I’m sure it will match up, right?

LISA: And if it doesn’t, you just wasted two hours. Looks like Jeremy is doing you a favor by having this course. You are always complaining about wasted gas and time, not to mention toner when a job cancels while you are on your way. If you don’t check the ID by phone you have nobody to blame but yourself if you can’t complete the signing.

SAMANTHA: Or worse, you might end up in Notary jail if you notarize him with improper ID. Three strikes you’re out. Don’t drop the embosser.

FRANK: That’s better than Notary hell where you have to use a burning seal.

BARTENDER: Speaking of Notary hell. I have a drink that’s based on the whole Notary hell theme. Not a bloody Mary, but a burning mary.

SAMANTHA: You better have one. Get used to where you are going in advance.

FRANK: Thanks a lot. Notary hell, my ass.

LISA: I heard they have good proctologists in Notary hell, speaking of your ass.

FRANK: At least they probably don’t have mites there because it is a dry heat. If I waste another two hours driving without getting paid, I might just break down and read Jeremy’s course even though it is arbitrary and unfair.

SAMANTHA: Well, it’s not state specific any more, not even to California. So that’s one thing to be thankful about — unless you live in California. And by the way Frank, if you keep getting hammered, you’ll have to stay at the Notary Marriott down the street. Drinking and driving is almost as bad as drinking and signing.

FRANK: Tell me about it.

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