Back in the 1800’s, Notaries had to pick signatures at The Notary Plantation. The irony of this blog is that one angry black notary told me that he didn’t work for my plantation any more back about eight years ago. I informed him that I don’t run a plantation, I provide advertising so that OTHER people’s Notary plantations can find you! How did I suddenly become the oppressor? I have never oppressed anyone so far. Repressed, suppressed or depressed maybe, but not oppressed.
Mr. JOHNSON: When you’re on this plantation, you better set your mind to picking signatures boy. Put your back into it.
NOTARY SLAVE (Jarvis): Yes master. But, may I have a drink of water?
Mr. JOHNSON: Do a good job, or you will be drinking ink, boy!
Ms. FIDDLE: Don’t worry Jarvis, I’ll teach you how to read just like you’ve always wanted to. We can start by practicing reading this new British comedy called Two Broke Blokes!
NOTARY SLAVE: Thank you Ms. Fiddle, and I do mean it. But, right now I have to Notarize signatures for the man. Otherwise he’ll ship me down the river, and Notary rules are strict down there I hear — they might even require journals.
Mr. JOHNSON: Or maybe I’ll ship you out west. I was out west a year ago and met this guy who is half Navajo and half Filipino. He had Adobo, in an Adobe. Ha ha ha. I’ll never forget that, but too much garlic.
NOTARY SLAVE: Are Filipinos slaves or free people?
Ms. FIDDLE: I think you better forget that conversation and do your work and then we’ll have our secret meeting. But, don’t mess around otherwise he will chain you to a desk while you do Notary work for this makeshift county clerk office he has in his waiting room.
NOTARY SLAVE: I had this dream that black people would be free, but that Chinese people will one day be slaves in New York Chinatown and will be chained to a stove making kung pao chicken.
Ms. FIDDLE: Yes, but nobody will regard them as real slaves because the leftist media will not publicize that fact and also because the slaves were not black. And if you reincarnate 150 years from now, don’t tell anyone that the first American slaves were Irish and not black.
NOTARY SLAVE: Irish? Boy have times changed. Now there the one’s building the railroads and then having kung pao when they reach the middle of the line and bump into those Chinese railway workers.
Ms. FIDDLE: Yeah, but there’s nothing worse than Szechuanese food cooked by Cantonese cooks, you know what I mean? It’s a gourmet thing.
NOTARY SLAVE: I’ll take your word for it. I can’t wait to get my freedom papers. Then, I can buy my own slaves and make them do Notary work and sign under duress.
Ms. FIDDLE: Now there’s a healthy attitude if I’ve ever heard one. But, if you sign under duress, that could be an issue in court. Anyway. Here’s a customer.
CUSTOMER: Hi, I need this Affidavit Notarized, but I’m not sure if I need an Oath or an Affirmation.
NOTARY SLAVE: According to my psychic, we won’t have Affirmations until long after freedom comes.
CUSTOMER: Freedom? You mean you’re administering signatures under duress? Well, that’s better than actually being a principal and signing under duress. How can you do this job if you are not allowed to know how to read.
NOTARY SLAVE: Just between you and me, I learned to read a little by reading Two Broke Blokes, but it got dicey when it got to the point where Randy wanted a sex change, but Gary said he better not otherwise he would go straight and start dating girls.
CUSTOMER: He wouldn’t!!!
NOTARY SLAVE: That’s what Randy said, but then Gary got a job in British East India as a tea merchant. The story gets complicated.
CUSTOMER: I’ll say. Does your master know about this reading activity you do?
NOTARY SLAVE: He says it’s okay just as long as I don’t enjoy it. But, I liked the part where Gary goes straight and then gets dumped by Gertrude in Bombay. What a sucker!
CUSTOMER: Oooh, I’m telling! Busted! Hey Mr. Johnson, your slave here actually enjoys reading!
Mr. JOHNSON: Get back to stamping boy! Uh oh, are those union soldiers blowing their trumpet? We’re in trouble. Even more trouble than Gary was in when Sally dumped him.
NOTARY SLAVE: Sally dumped him? I didn’t get that far.
Mr. JOHNSON: Look at page 156.
NOTARY SLAVE: Oh yes sir. And when I’m freed, in about 43 minutes, I’ll always think fondly of you, especially the time you let me have prime rib… I can still taste it.
Mr. JOHNSON: Prime rib? Page 158. I enjoyed that too.
(trumpets of union cavalry… soldiers storm the house, and free the Notary who goes on to be broke and do loan signing for low ball signing companies, but has fun reading trashy romance novels.)’
EX NOTARY SLAVE: I sure do love my newly obtained freedom. But, honestly, I went from living in a mansion having prime rib and reading British comedy novels to living in a slum working for signing companies who don’t pay on time…. Oh, and no prime rib. But, at least Gary and Randy made up. So, thank God for something.
Ms. FIDDLE: Time for some moo shoo. Are you game?
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