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July 20, 2019

Father and daughter notary event

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:42 am

In another article I wrote about a father and daughter notary team. But, what about a father and daughter notary event? What would the activities be?

ANNOUNCER: Now, it is time for the embossing contest. Which team can emboss the most amount of pages in living wills?

GIRL: Don’t those have about 60 pages per document?

ANNOUNCER: Yes!

GIRL: I’ll try and I hope I LIVE through it otherwise I will need a living will.

ANNOUNCER: Actually then you will need a dying will.

GIRL: Oh, I’m dying to get one of those.

FATHER: Honey, I don’t think you need one of those quite yet. You just turned 18 and are only on your first commission. You won’t expire yet unless you get hit by a truck on the way to an Affidavit signing. Hey, it happens. That is why I got you a car with airbags.

GIRL: Isn’t my father great?

ANNOUNCER: Now it is time for the refill the notary stamp with ink competition. Ready, set, ink up!

GIRL: This competition is so messy. I wish I could skip it but it is such good practice. I might need to do this in real life.

FATHER: Might? You need to do it every year if you stay busy.

GIRL: I’ll stay busy. I’m on the database for 200 low-balling signing companies. If my price is low enough, they will work me into the ground and then not pay me.

FATHER: Sounds like a good long term plan… not! Make sure they pay you before you do anything more for them.

ANNOUNCER: Now it is time for the jump on the notary stamp contents. You make a giant stamp in this twenty foot long piece of paper.

FATHER: I’m so out of shape. I really need to get to the gym more.

ANNOUNCER: This is just like a gym and will get you in shape. Do jump to stamp daily and you will lose a pound a week.

GIRL: Okay, I’m jumping… how was that stamp? Oops, I bet the county recorder won’t like that one. I hate having to stand on this giant stamp.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner of the day is Jack Stampman… great name for a Notary by the way.

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July 17, 2019

Notary fortune cookie

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:35 am

I can imagine if there were a Chinese restaurant run by a Notary, in addition to having a lot of dishes with squid ink, there could be interesting messages in fortune cookies.

“Don’t quit business over stolen FedEx.”

That one is good. I had a client whose FedEx package got stolen. She wanted to quit, but I told her that stuff happens and you have to keep on keeping on.

“He who notarize without proper ID not have commission long.”

I know I know… just ask for another ID.

“Do not backdate unless have good time machine.”

Don’t try that one at home.

“Chinese philosophers need Notary too: Confucious, Mencious and Facetious. That last philosopher doesn’t exist in real life — I was just being facetious.”

“You will inherit many customer soon after you upgrade advertising.”

“Your dual tray printer will have long life — but, still invest in good warranty just in case.”

“Chinese notary tip – Notarize for your girlfriend so you can see her ID and find out her real age.”

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July 16, 2019

Notarizing at a sushi restaurant

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:29 am

PAUL: Hi, I need a Notary…

NOTARY: Yes, this is Golden Gate Notary, how can I assist?

PAUL: I need this affidavit notarized. Can you meet me for sushi at Yamazaki’s?

NOTARY: Hmmm. That’s a little bit of an unusual request. But, I guess I can make it.

(later on that day at the restaurant)

HOSTESS: Welcome to Yamazaki’s. Can I seat you?

NOTARY: Yes, I’m looking for Paul. Is he here?

HOSTESS: Oh yes, Paul is over there.

PAUL: Hi there. The quality of this place is like a roller coaster. They had to hire a new sushi chef because the last one didn’t cut it. Then they hired this hippie guy. He never came to work on time, and was normally stoned. But, he was exceptionally good at rolling things.

NOTARY: Good one! I’m looking at the menu. They have a bass, but no treble. Maybe I should bring that up with management.

PAUL: Hi, I haven’t decided what I want.

WAITRESS: I think you want the yellow tail collar.

PAUL: How did you know?

WAITRESS: Because I have collar ID and am psychic.

PAUL: What is it with psychic waitresses? Okay…. You talked me into it. I got one for you. What type of food do people eat on Chinese boats?

WAITRESS: Junk food – told you I was good at this.

PAUL: Okay, now here is my affidavit. Please try not to get any wasabi or ginger on it. Affidavit of Domicile. Where do I sign?

NOTARY: Right there….. good. Now I’m going go notarize it. Done.

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July 14, 2019

Notarization in Brooklyn in 2032

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:20 am

As time went on, the Yiddish speaking population in Brooklyn kept speaking Yiddish, but had so many children that they became a dominant population and “force du culture” in Brooklyn. It got to the point that the Chinese and Puerto Ricans integrated a lot of Yiddish into their spoken language.

NOTARY: Yes, you had a paper to be notarized?

WING XING: Yeah, I just flew in from Shanghai to La Guardia — what a schlep. And the Drukschlep I tried to hire for my daughter was late taking her to her party. Vey Ismeer. I need this affidavit of corporate capacity notarized. Do you want I should sign it in front of you?

NOTARY: Yes please.

WING XING: My son asked me when he would be having his Bar-Mitzvah. I tried to explain to him that we’re not Jewish. He said, “What do you mean we’re not Jewish? Now you tell me!”

NOTARY: It must be confusing. But, on a brighter note, if you were Jewish, you could no longer eat Shanghainese Xiao Leng Bao.

WING XING: I know that, and you know that, but try explaining that to little Timmie. He just doesn’t understand the Talmud, or Leviticus. Kids these days!

(next appointment)

MARITZA: Mira mira mira. We’ve known each othah for almost three years. We’re practically mishpucha (family).

NOTARY: No somos mishpucha. You’re a mensch

MARITZA: Who you callin’ a mensch? (angry tone)

NOTARY: That means your a friend, but you’re not quite family yet. Let me guess. Your kid is having his Bar Mitzvah soon too right?

MARITZA: Yeah, we’re still searching around for a Rabbi who is willing to do it for us. But, you know, according to the Talmud, if you have a maternal Jewish lineage, you are Jewish even if you were raised Catholic. I just did my 23 and me blood test for MT DNA and guess what?

NOTARY: What?

MARITZA: We’re chosen! I showed that info to the Rabbi as well as the section from the Babilonian Talmud and he is still giving us a hard time. I tried to explain to him that after the inquisition, many Sephardic Jews left Spain for Puerto Rico and converted to Catholicism. We are descended from those people, but we dance much better than they do, at least in my opinion.

NOTARY: No problem, I’ll notarize your blood test and affidavit. As crazy as this sounds, you are actually making sense. But, I gotta run.

MARITZA: Why?

NOTARY: I have to notarize paperwork for Tyrone’s Bar Mitzvah before his mother has a fit.

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July 13, 2019

Notary answering machines

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 3:18 am

As a Notary, what goes on your answering machine really matters. If someone just hears a beep, they will not even know if they dialed the correct number and that would not professional if that is your designated line. So, make sure to leave your name, company name, and the fact that you are a notary and/or signing agent.

That is important also for when I call you to confirm that your info is correct. If I cannot reach you but, it says in your answering machine that you are a signing agent, then I can mark you current. Otherwise I will have to hunt you down, or in some cases with free listings I might have to remove you.

ME: Hello, this is Jeremy from 123notary, are you still doing Notary work?

NOTARY: Yes, but I just got home from a movie about global climate change.

ME: How was it? Did you have to take your sweater off because the movie got too hot?

NOTARY: No, I had to add extra layers. The movie beginning was okay, the middle was too windy, but the ending was anti-climatic.

ME: Glad you had a good time. Stay on high ground just in case the poles melt.

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July 4, 2019

Notarization at a Subway

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 2:38 am

NOTARY: What a long drive. But, I’m here. Are you ready?

FRANK: I don’t normally work at this branch of Subway, I’m just “subbing”.

NOTARY: Oh, then can you grade my paper? It’s an Affidavit.

FRANK: There’s a spelling mistake in line two.

NOTARY: Really? And what about your Affidavit. Is it ready?

FRANK: It’s right here.

NOTARY: Would you like onions with your notarization, and would you like to make it a combo?

FRANK: Does it come with chips and a drink for another $2.25.

NOTARY: I actually have Fanta in the car. That helps me get better reviews. Being a Notary these days is not far from being an Uber driver except that we don’t have to vacuum our car as much… or ever.

FRANK: Got it. I’ll sign… Are you watching?

NOTARY: Watching. Your hands are clean right? No mayo or chipotle sauce on your fingers, right?

FRANK: Too late. Please affix your stamp there.

NOTARY: Please sign my journal first… Good… Now it’s time for recess.

FRANK: Recess?

NOTARY: You’re “subbing”, right?

FRANK: Oh, yeah… right.

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July 2, 2019

A millennial self-identifies as being a Notary Public.

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 2:27 am

TEACHER: Now, class, as we all know, we are all little snowflakes now aren’t we?

CLASS: Yes teacher

TEACHER: And we don’t have to be responsible about anything in life because the world owes us a living. Anyone who criticizes us is bad because they might offend or hurt our feelings which is the worst thing of all. Now class, we must all be sensitive to how people identify. Let’s go around the class.

SHELLIE: I self-identify as being a male police man.

TODD: I just came back from a trip to India, and my nuts were sore from the car bouncing on the bumpy roads in the mountains. Such unbelievable pain. I bet you have had similar problems being a man, right?

SHELLIE: Excuse me?

TODD: You mean your nuts have never hurt?

SHELLIE: I don’t have those yet. I’m transitioning dummie.

FRANK: I self-identify with being a Notary Public.

TODD: Oh good, how much is it to get an Affidavit of copy of transcript notarized?

FRANK: What’s an Affidavit?

TODD: It is a document you notarize… That’s what Notaries do you know. Do you have a stamp and a Notary commission?

FRANK: I think we have to stand up to this type of harassment. My feelings are hurt!

TODD: Have you filed your Oath and Bond with the county clerk?

FRANK: What’s a bond?

SHIMON: I self-identify as being a sephardic cantor.

TODD: Can you sing me some lines from what you sing in shul?

SHIMON: Oh yeah… (sings very Moroccan sounding Hebrew prayers and sways from side to side.)

TODD: Just out of curiousity, did you start out as a Sephardic cantor, or did you transition into it?

SHIMON: I had to go to school to learn to become a cantor. You can’t “cant” unless you study.

TODD: Did you have to study to become Sephardic?

SHIMON: You kind of have to be born into that, but it’s complicated. To be of a tribe, your affiation is based on the father, but your religion based on the mother.

SHELLIE: What about your sexual identity — is that based on your mother’s lineage or your father’s?

SHIMON: I’ll have to think about that. Have a nice evening and Shalom!

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June 30, 2019

Notarizing a pinata

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:12 pm

Elbert was assigned a job notarizing a pinata. He didn’t take one of those “Just say no” NNA courses with the Q&A sections apparently.

Can you notarize a photo?
Just say no.

Can you notarize a pinata?
Just say no.

But, it was too late now. He was at the location. The children were there. There was cake, there was music, there was mom, and there was the Notary — they thought he would never come. Mom asked him to notarize the pinata. The kids were there standing with their sticks and blindfolds all ready.

The Notary asked to see the Pinata’s ID. Mom said, “What??” loudly and the birthday boy’s facial expression went from confused to suddenly hostile giving the notary… the look.

NOTARY: Did that boy just give me — the look?

MOM: What look?

NOTARY: You know… the look.
MOM: I have no idea what look you are talking about.

NOTARY: Well take a look to the right and you will know ex (pause for emphasis) zactly what kind of look I’m talking about.

MOM: Oh my God, he is giving you his — I wanna kill you look.

NOTARY: Is there anything we can do to work this out?

MOM: Just stand near the pinata to show you are a good sport and smile a lot. Making a false show of positive emotion is how we resolve problems in our country… well, at least when we can’t find our machetes.

NOTARY: Excuse me?

MOM: It is either or, and one wrong move could cause yet another revolution.

NOTARY: Okay, and another thing. I can only notarize a document not a Pinata.

MOM: Oh, so you did take one of those sorry no can do courses? I am somewhat impressed. ‘But, I would be more if ju espoke espanish.’

NOTARY: got it. Let’s attach the document to the Pinata, and let’s figure out who the signer is. Who here is 18 and of sound mind.

MOM: I am exactly 18 and have been so for as long as I can remember. When you check my ID, promise not to reveal my real age to anyone, not even my cat Alexandria.. hi sweety… meao…

NOTARY: Okay. Document signed, attached to pinata. Ready.

The boys proceeded to wander aimlessly around with a stick drawn almost whacking all of his friends, family, the Notary and a few neighbors. After a near miss with a delivery truck the Notary decided to assist him in getting a little closer to the pinata. After the boys pulverized the pinata, the notary decided that it would be better if the document had been inside the pinata. The mother said that next time she would ask the pinata manufacturers to put an affidavit inside. The notary concluded his job, notarized a tattered affidavit (which made it more authentic considering the subject matter) and went home with some cash (and a whole lot of candies) in his pocket. The End.

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June 29, 2019

Good humor is hard to find

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:13 pm

One commenter on my blog said that good humor is hard to find and to be nice to my writer. I’m not sure which writer she is talking about. I write most of my own material, and then there is Ken, and Andy, and sometimes Carmen. Hmmm.

But, some of our commenters are good too. But, here’s some more food for thought:

BTW: Are you a commenter or a commentator? What’s the difference? I think it has to do with whether or not you are professional at it.

But, I digress. Even at local comedy clubs, the humor is raunchy. If they have a professional, it is generally good although not always not my type. But, the up and coming people are awful. Even I, with all of my amateurish tendencies have classier humor than them, and that is on a raunchy crass day. But, as a child, I knew people who would come up with very funny things to say where I broke out laughing.

And sometimes humor is spontaneous. I went to the juice bar today. To have celery juice, you should ideally have it on an empty stomach to get maximum benefit for your liver and colon. So, I went to Whole Foods with the spirit of poetry. I said, “My stomach is empty but my…. my blank is full.” But, what is blank. I had to think about it. As I was walking home I got it. “My stomach is empty, but my heart (pause) is full.” “What about your liver?” “Honey, you can leave my liver out of this.”

When you sum it up, good humor is hard to find. And if you want a good joke to be written, sometimes its easier to just write it yourself.

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June 6, 2019

Notary weapons: numchucks, torture rack, and more.

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:08 pm

It is imperative that Notaries develop an arsenal of weapons so as to survive the Notary industry unscathed. There are instances where one must defend themselves from signing companies. Numchucks are excellent for this purpose — and you don’t have to be Asian to use them although it doesn’t hurt either. But, if you grip them too hard you might have “numbhands”! And if you are incompetent people from Boston someone might call you “numbnuts.” But, there are other problems that could arise in the Notary arena that must be discussed.

Suppose you have a signer in front of you, who is not convinced that they want to sign. A resourceful Notary will employ all options to solve this unpleasant and slightly embarrassing situation. The use of a torture rack seems like the most efficient. That way you can easily convince the signer that indeed they really do want to sign.

Then there is the crossbow. Good for signature by X signings since the X looks like a cross. Also handy if your signer is a cross-dresser.

After careful review, the use of a mace seems overly heavy handed and will knock your signer out cold. Therefore we recommend against the use of maces, clubs, and bats, not necessarily in that order (unless you are a fan of the Movie “Gangs of New York.” However, if used as purely an intimidation tool, a mace might prove useful. Then there is also a Pakistani spice called Javetry or Mace which is completely different and not to be confused with a bat-like mace — unless you have a large clump of it.

So, in addition to carrying a stamp, acknowledgment pads, pens, and other standard Notary items, next time you go to a signing, consider taking a torture rack with you. You might actually have an opportunity to use one. (FYI – Macy’s is having a sale on foldable torture racks at 50% off while supplies last.)

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