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April 7, 2017

The Noterator

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:10 am

There was a sudden rash of bad Notaries in America and nobody knew what to do. But, at the Secretary of State’s office, they had the solution. Since there was no way to bust each bad Notary one by one, they created a machine that could sense a bad Notary a mile away and terminate him. This machine was called, the Noterator.

NOTERATOR: Did you back date that document?

NOTARY: No, I swear I didn’t.

NOTERATOR: Hasta la vista — baby. (boom!!!)

A group of Notaries near by saw what happened and decided to run. The Noterator caught up with them and told them not to make any more fraudulent notarizations otherwise they would be in trouble. But, this group of Notaries didn’t listen. Fraud was so embedded in their personalities they couldn’t help themselves. Two of the Notaries got involved in a scheme to cheat someone out of their house by falsifying a Grant Deed. The next thing they knew…

NOTERATOR: I’m back!!!

NOTARY #1: How did you find us?

NOTERATOR: I always find bad Notaries. I can small them.

NOTARY #2: So are you going to terminate us?

NOTERATOR: I can’t read the document because it’s not written in Austrian. Just kidding. You falsified a Deed of Trust and Grant Deed. You’re coming with me. The Noterator grabbed both Notaries by their collar and put them in Notary jail.

NOTARY #1: We might be in jail, but at least we are safe from the Noterator here.

NOTERATOR: You thought wrong! (boom!!!!!!)

In the end, Notary #1’s commission was not the only thing that expired. A word of advice. Don’t mess with the noterator!

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March 31, 2017

Secretary of State hacked by Russians!

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:06 am

Some of the Russian mischief-makers who allegedly hacked the election were fresh out of school and hacked the California Secretary of State’s Notary Division by accident, because their English not incredible good. These hackers deleted the files of a handful of prominent Notaries statewide making them “ghost Notaries.” Their commissions were real, but there were no database records anymore. Fortunately, the Sec of State keeps backup records in paper for every Notary in the state, so with much labor, they were able to recreate their records.

On a more humorous note, Hillary Trump became a commissioned California Notary when she is not even a resident here. Considering California gave her a huge popular vote win, she thought it was the least she could do, then realized deleting her acknowledgment certificates was the least she could do. Ivanka Trump became an eNotary due to the hacking attack. She was sorry the Russians didn’t hack off the “k” in her name while they were at it, but has learned to live with a weird one like “Ivanka.” If you call living in tacky gold overpriced real estate “living.” And Vladimir Putin got the control panels to approve residents with felonies to get commissioned as Notaries in exchange for some spying favors — and only if they say he looks buff with his shirt off riding a horse . What started out as a failed hacking attempt became a travesty of justice!

The official new rates for California Notarizations are:

Acknowledgments — 1 pint of vodka
Jurats — 2 pints, but you have to swear that it’s the best vodka in town.
Sworn Oaths — Just swear you can walk in a straight line — or sign in a straight line.
Depositions — You can’t drink in court, so we’ll stick to the $20, but payable in the equivalent amount of rubles.

Even the titles of common documents were renamed
Deed of Mistrust
Affidavit of non-Compliance
The Note
The Right to make people think you canceled
The affidavit of alleged shortage of available capital.

Additionally, the Russians thought they would help Trump by fraudulently changing the venue for the Great Wall of China to be on the U.S. / Mexico border and make Mexico pay for it.

That’s all for tonight. And remember that it is hip to be Red Square.

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March 17, 2017

A guy dressed up as a Notary for Halloween

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:57 am

A guy dressed up as a Notary Seal kept saying, “Trick or Treat.” He went around stamping everything. Then he bumped into someone dressed up as a Signing Company who was also saying, “Trick or Treat.” The Notarygave the signing company his seal impression on some fake loan documents.

The signing company impersonator said — trick!
The Notary asked what the trick was.
The signing company said — we’re not paying you

So, the Notary got even and smeared edible chocolate ink all over the signing company impersonator’s outfit and said — treat!

So, the Notary got even. If that Notary impersonator had been a little smarter, he would have looked up the signing company on 123notary’s list of signing companies i-phone page www.123notary.com/s and said — I can’t take that job! However, this fake Notary had a handheld printer and queried 123notary’s resource page to find our demand letter from hell (very appropriate type of letter for halloween.) He gave the signing company a demand letter. The signing company gave him a threatening letter from someone dressed up as an Attorney (with blood coming out of his left eye.)

Finally the Notary said — you people will be a pain in my rear for the rest of my life — if I should live so long! Happy Halloween!!!!

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March 10, 2017

What’s your sign? Notary horoscopes…

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 6:55 am

Capricorn
Today’s a good day to apply for your renewed Notary commission. Don’t wait until the last minute or you’ll experience a lapse in your term(s) as well as in your judgement, and you’ll come across as Capri-corny.

Aquarius
Tonight around 7pm will be an ideal time to renew your listing on 123notary.com. Go for the highest level listing no matter what it costs. The planets are with you and will enhance your ROI on whatever you buy from 123notary this evening. Avoid interactions with unicorns until 8am tomorrow or until a Mexican Trump supporter is spotted in your neighborhood.

Pisces
Today is an auspicious day to re-ink your stamp. Don’t fish around searching for any old cheap ink. Buy the top notch stuff the NNA sells if you want to make a good impression.

Aries
Sign up with some new signing companies, but watch your step and don’t be an Aries-head. Trouble could lie ahead if you don’t background check those companies first on the 123notary list of signing companies with reviews.

Taurus
If you want to bully some signing companies into paying you, just use the 123notary demand letter from hell on our resource page. But, do so before the cusp of Orion which will happen after midnight.

Gemini
Today is a day you should make sure your signatures are genuine, not Gemini. And one of our customers calls me Gemini. It’s not Gemini — it’s Jeremy!

Cancer
Today is the best day to backdate and not get caught as long as the moon is in Scorpio. But, watch out, because at 1am (which is tomorrow assuming you don’t backdate) it will exit Scorpio and go into its new phase called Stage 4.

Leo
Take a nap between signings today so you don’t get too overwhelmed. And don’t swallow your pride otherwise you’ll have no family. Roar at people who don’t pay you – that’s the mane thing.

Virgo
Take the day off because the way the planets are configured, you’ll get stuck in traffic and probably won’t get paid either — unless your name is Jane the Virgo.

Libra
Brush up on your new 123notary certification course. You’ll need it to compete with all of the other smart Notaries in your area. Besides, being certified a very Libra-ating experince.

Scorpio
Identify your signers a little more carefully today because you are destined to meet a fraud who specializes in identity fraud which would mean that you would get stung instead of vice versa which is the way it is supposed to be.

Sagittarius
If you are a Real Estate investor with 12 houses. Expect trouble if Leo is in your 11th house. On the other hand, since you are the happiest sign in the zodiac, celebrate by going to the happiest place on earth — Notary Disneyworld!

And more thing — don’t forget to have your sign notarized!

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February 24, 2017

Notary with Tourettes Syndrome

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:52 am

NOTARY: Do you swear under Oath?

SIGNER: I do

NOTARY: Well you should hear me swear under Oath. I swear whether I’m under a &%?-ing Oath or not.

SIGNER: So, what do I sign first?

NOTARY: Go to hell — here!

SIGNER: I’m signing this Affidavit that I swore to.

NOTARY: Have sex — that’s perfect!

SIGNER: I’m very fond of this document.

NOTARY: Fondle it!

SIGNER: My wife made me sign this.

NOTARY: Kill her. I’ll kill her!

SIGNER: That’s one way of solving my marital problems.

NOTARY: Having sex is another.

SIGNER: Just as long as it’s not with another.

NOTARY: So, what’s the next document — pervert!

SIGNER: My next document is a civil action.

NOTARY: There’s nothing civil about your two middle fingers.

SIGNER: Leave my fingers out of this.

NOTARY: Okay — have sex without fingers.

SIGNER: In that case I won’t be able to provide a digital signature.

NOTARY: I think we all know what I’m going to say next and where this is going.

SIGNER: You mean digital sex?

NOTARY: I’m rubbing off on you.

SIGNER: Kill a Notary

NOTARY: Am I that bad?

SIGNER: Go to hell. But, I’m an athiest and don’t believe in hell.

NOTARY: (Sneezes)

SIGNER: Nobody bless you!

NOTARY: Why Nobody?

SIGNER: Because I don’t believe in God or blessings. So I give non-blessings.

NOTARY: Okay, then go to non-hell.

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February 3, 2017

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 9:04 pm

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Getting paid is serious business. But in this blog, we’re going “goofy.”

REVERSE MORTGAGES

Segagtrom. So much for literally reversing “mortgages.” In the reverse mortgage I’ll be referring to here, you get paid before you do the signing. If they don’t pay you ahead of time, charge 150 bucks. If they don’t pay you that, reverse the charges on the UPS. You can also drive in reverse to the signing. Unless you happen to be in a parking lot, in which case backing up causes serious tire damage. I can back that up in a notarized statement.

INSPECTIONS

When you inspect a house by taking photos, if it’s cheesy looking, tell it to smile and say cheese. If there are lines from broken plaster on the wall they don’t want you to shoot, charge them extra to Photoshop the lines out. Charge twenty to thirty dollars for inspection, unless the photos need touchup. When you visit their restroom and inspect their medicine cabinet, charge them a snooping fee.

REFINANCING

When getting signatures for mortgage signings, charge them a
re-re-re-re-re-refinancing fee if the signer stutters.

EDOCS OR DOCUMENTS

Ink is to a printer what cocaine is to a dealer. The first sample is free, and then they have you hooked on a very expensive habit. So be sure to charge accordingly for depleting your ink supply as you type out documents. Make sure they don’t pay you with money they printed out on their printers. Although the ink would probably be worth more than the money.

TRAVEL FEE FOR MOBILE NOTARIES

It’s been years since doctors made house calls. If you’re making a house call to notarize something, you better make sure you’re compensated for such service. Some charge by the mile, some charge by the amount of time to get there. As for the comedic price list, charge them like Dominos Pizza. They’ll get a free signing if you don’t arrive within thirty minutes or less. And when you do arrive, make sure you act extra cheesy. And top it off with an extra signature. If the signing is late at night, charge them a surcharge. If they treat you with disrespect, charge them a you-forgot-to-call-me “sir” charge.

LATE FEES

If they’re not ready for you when you arrive for the signing, charge them a late fee. If they’re not ready for you when you arrive because they’re dead, charge the next-of-kin a late, late fee. If it’s so late that it’s technically the wee hours of the morning, charge them an early fee. If they can’t pay you till tomorrow, charge them a late fee for the early fee. If they can’t pay you till after the both of you sit down and finish watching an old movie on TV, charge them a late, late show late fee for the early fee.

WAITING FEES

The more you wait to be paid, the more you charge them. If you wait till hell freezes over, charge them a waiting/defrosting fee. You’re like a taxi stuck in park with the meter running. If they haven’t reached the destination yet but they’re still your client, that will cost them. That should give you a lift. (Or for the cabbie and Uber haters out there, “Lyft”)

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January 13, 2017

The Notary Train

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:44 am

Welcome aboard the Notary (choo-choo) Train.
Today is going to be a busy day. We are traveling from Fort Stockton, TX to Tuc (choo-choo) son today. I wish you all a very nice trip. And since this is The Notary Train, if you need anything Notarized, you are in luck. We have in-house or in-train Notaries commissioned in Texas, New Mexico and Arizona just waiting to (choo-choo) help you.

10pm

ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard. May I see some ID please?

RALPH: Here it is. It is an official TX Driver License.

ATTENDANT: I’ll need a blood sample too.

RALPH: I thought you’d never ask. But, I don’t give that out to strangers. But, how about a thumb print?

ATTENDANT: A right thumbprint will do. I was just kidding about the blood samples. After all, a simple retinal scan would be just as good.

12:10am

RALPH: Hi, I need this document signed. And can you backdate?

TX NOTARY: Umm, isn’t that illegal?

RALPH: Never mind. I’ll ask the other Notary. HEY, I need this document Notarized.

NOTARY #2: When do you need it done?

RALPH: Yesterday!

NOTARY #2: No problem, we are about to cross through a time-zone change on our way to El Paso. Once we have passed it, it will be yesterday.

RALPH: So, you can backdate?

NOTARY #2: I won’t have to. In the mean time, let’s get some Notary snacks at the snack bar. How about a crepe with chocolate sauce that is dispensed from a leaky Notary Seal?

RALPH: Cool. Can I get bananas too?

NOTARY #2: Yes, but you cannot emboss them.

RALPH: Oh, too bad. So, who pours the tea around here?

NOTARY #2: Oh, we have an official TEA agent do that along with transporting blood samples.

RALPH: I love this train. I love it even more when you take a plane ride and arrive at your destination before you left your departure point. That’s a real brain teaser.

TEA AGENT: Can I offer you some tea, or a blood sample?

RALPH: Oh no, I stopped being a vampire years ago.

TEA AGENT: I didn’t, now you know why I love my job so much!

SALLY: Why is this train taking so long? I hope we get to Tucson before my commission expires.

TEA AGENT: Your commission never expires on The Notary Train baby! It’s good for life! By the way, you have a pretty neck.

SALLY: What kind of a psycho are you? Oh getting a phone call.

CALLER: I am trying to track down a particular Notary who did a signing for me in 1968.

SALLY: Well, on The Notary Train, we have lots of tracks if you want to do some tracking. But, you might have to call the Secretary of State. Good luck!

RALPH: I just love The Notary Train. It’s the only Notarial entity that is commissioned in one county and expires in an entirely different one. That’s a great concept — almost as good as reverse time travel.

NOTARY #2: Okay Ralph. Time to do your notarization without backdating. It’s 11:30pm Mountain Time on the 3rd now. Whip out those documents! It’s party time!

RALPH: Okay, let’s do the deed — I mean sign the deed. By the way, why is that guy staring at my neck still?

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January 8, 2017

Canada builds a wall and makes America pay for it

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:26 am

When Donald Trump initially started running for president people got concerned. When he won the primaries for being the Republican candidate, if you looked up “move to” on Google, it would automatically popular the phrase, “Move to Canada.” Now that Donald has won, many left wing types and minorities are extremely upset.

Some people’s upset feelings are so extreme, that many Notaries from Northern states made a run for it and temporarily relocated to Canada. But, they had trouble finding jobs, especially without a work visa. So, they resorted to using their Washington State, Montana, Idaho, Michigan Notary seals on the other side of the border which is not legal. The Canadian authorities were not able to deal with this sudden influx of desperate people and couldn’t keep up with enforcing Notary laws (since they didn’t understand the laws themselves.) So, they resorted to the most obvious solution — build a wall.

So, Canada is now constructing a wall specifically to keep Notaries, neo-Marxists, and rabid supporters of Hillary out — for good. But, Canada wants to make American Notaries pay for the wall. Spokespersons for American Notaries, Mr. Desmond Seal and Sally Close both claim that even if there are grounds for making American Notaries pay for the wall, the signing companies will have to start paying up, otherwise the Notaries won’t be able to pay their monthly installments.

Then, the government of Canada proposed the idea that American Notaries could become exempt from paying for the wall if they participate in building it. However, one Idaho Notary pointed out that building the wall might involve stepping out of Idaho into Canadian territory which would be out of his jurisdiction. Canadian officials retorted that if all Notaries thought like you — we wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place.

Meanwhile, Mexican Notaries are protesting and demanding that NAFTA be amended to allow those from Baja del Sur to notarize documents in California. We’ll keep you posted on developments. In the mean time, back to you Walter…

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January 6, 2017

Notary Purgatory

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:51 am

Notary purgatory

After a notary’s lived a not so exalted life (authenticating less than authentic documents) but not so awful life (remembering to replace his expired commission and milk) he may not be headed for heaven or hell but somewhere in between: Notary purgatory. It’s a temporary way station. The gates of heaven are on one side, gates of hell on the other. The hell of indecision is magnified here, so you’re undecided about which place you want to ultimately wind up in. Maybe you aren’t sure which destination you deserve, and maybe neither is God! You always get paid but never get paid that well. You always get clients but they always micromanage you. You start out writing a blog you think has possibilities and it winds up having zilch. Uh-oh, I’ve entered Notary Hell! In Notary Hell, what you get paid for in signings gets eaten up and then some by the cost of gas to get there.

In Notary Hell, you get bitten by the rabid dogs of clients. In Notary Purgatory, you get bitten by the clients. In Notary Hell, you witness your clients having sex. In Notary Purgatory, you witness your clients’ dogs having sex. In regular hell, you witness your parents having sex, but let’s not go there. In Buddhist Notary Purgatory, you’d witness 31 planes of existence. You’ll find Baskin-Robbins here, but the fact all 31 flavors are melted is more hellish than purgatory-ish.

In Notary Hell, the signers all use invisible ink and you don’t get paid. In Notary Purgatory, you do get paid but you spend it all on lottery tickets.

The only way to move from Notary Purgatory to Notary Heaven is to have a righteous state of mind. This may not apply, however, in the state of New Jersey.

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December 31, 2016

Notary Santa

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:14 pm

Many Notaries are under the radar so to speak when it comes to doing Notary work. Some Notaries do not fill out forms properly and others are downright cheats. So much for those DOJ background checks. Can the FBI check your integrity with one of those checks?

Notary Santa on the other hand has a good grasp of integrity. He knows who has been what Jeremy calls, “Integritous.” He knows who has been a good or naughty Notary. Here is what you get!

When a Notary has been good he/she gets a new dual tray laser printer. They usually get one of the narrower ones not to save money, but because the larger models don’t fit down a chimney. Neither does Santa, but he only works out once a year. (And eats a lot of Ho-Ho-Hos.)

When a Notary has backdated, Notary Santa delivers gifts early in the morning on the 26th, but backdates the transaction. It is a kind of Notary karma.

When a Notary has committed fraud, Notary Santa offers them a choice between Trump’s clean burning coal in their stocking and reindeer poop. Some think Trump’s ideas on coal are full of another kind of poop, but that’s for another blog. Personally, I heard that the reindeer droppings make good fertilizer, so turn lemons into lemonade with this one!

It is generally a good idea to leave cookies in the shape of a certification seal for Santa.

JIMMY: Hi Santa — you’re real.

NOTARY SANTA: I am, el-ham du-li’llah. (Praise be to God in Arabic.)

JIMMY: How many more stops do you have?

NOTARY SANTA: Only two but I’m in a real hurry.

JIMMY: Why such a hurry?

NOTARY SANTA: I’m an Islamic Santa. I do it because it pays great. But, I have to get my sleigh out of the country byJanuary 20th, 2017 before you know who takes office insh’allah.

JIMMY: Oh… Well, he’ll need congressional approval to do anything drastic, so you have nothing to worry about… assuming…

NOTARY SANTA: That’s exactly it… It’s the assuming part. Assuming that nothing unexpected happens. Like showing up on Inauguration Day with a normal haircut. Or putting a normal-sized hand on the bible. Can you imagine what will happen when I get my sleigh back to Iraq? I’m not safe here in 26 days and my sleigh is not safe in my hometown. I think I’ll just have to hide out at the North Pole or in Canada. Ya’allah — problems.

JIMMY: I understand. Can I see some ID to make sure you’re the right Santa?

NOTARY SANTA: See ID? You’re already sounding like the Trumpster. Yeah sure kid. Here it is.

JIMMY: It says Notary Santa Fouzi Al-Housseini. That’s a strange name for a Santa.

NOTARY SANTA: It’s a typical Iraqi Santa name. If you ever come to Iraq (not recommended for the next 20 years) you’ll see many Santas with this type of name. Although we’re not exactly Saint Nicks.

JIMMY: If I fill out the Notary venue I’ll put — State of Disbelief. County of Lost IDgeles.

NOTARY SANTA: Ho! Ho! Ho!

JIMMY: You ate the last one… Last year I saw Santa kissing mommy. But, she was wearing a veil. I can’t figure that one out.

NOTARY SANTA: It must have been a different Santa. But, it is hard to ID people wearing a veil or burka. Common problem in my country.

JIMMY: I was gonna make a veiled reference to that.

NOTARY SANTA: See ya Jimmy. And just call me Santa Fouzi, not Santa Claus — he handles Arizona, I cover parts of California. We have kind of a route like USPS.

JIMMY: And you took a year to get here. Just like my mail.

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