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September 8, 2019

The Notary Pride Parade in West Hollywood

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:01 pm

We are having a Gay pride parade or event in West Hollywood. Lots of people were practically naked and the clubs were booked. You cannot drive through that area without huge traffic problems. A waiter asked if I was going and I said, “Hell no!” I don’t want to be molested. Gay people in this area tend to reach out and touch someone. Why can’t hot women be the same way? If we only lived in an ideal world.

But, I think that Notaries should have a Notary pride parade. Except the Notaries should not get naked please. Maybe if you are 20 years old and hot, but not the over 50 crowd please.

There could be a Notary float with a huge notary seal on it — inflatable.
Another float could have signatures hanging on it and off it.
A third float could have an embosser.
Other floats could have documents or certificates.

Notaries could dress up as notary seals or documents or signatures. It would be like Halloween — notary style.

Good God this sounds scary. I think I like it though. I just hope none of the signatures in the parade are false otherwise it would be a falsified parade. What do you guys think?

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A bar only for cool notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

A Notary sees a UFO
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September 3, 2019

Should you include Kleenex in your notary bag?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:57 pm

One Notary on NR had a signer who burst into tears and left the room. I guess she didn’t like the terms of her loan. I have never had that happen thank God although I had some moments where borrowers were not filled in properly and had lots of last minute questions.

If someone starts crying, you will look a lot more professional if you have a box of Kleenex on your person. I guess it might not fit in your bag unless you have the Kleenex travel pack for air travel. But, you will look more professional if you have it even if you don’t need it.

You could do show and tell to impress the borrowers. “Check out my notary bag contents – I have a stamp, embosser, law primer, ack forms, jurats, permission to travel, copy certification, pens, stapler, oh, and don’t forget — Kleenex, just in case the borrower doesn’t like the terms of their loan.” How professional!

I heard in the future there will be a new app to get therapy from Siri.

NOTARY: Siri, the borrower doesn’t like the terms of their loan.

SIRI: How does that make them feel?

NOTARY: Bad

SIRI: What was their relationship like with their mother?

NOTARY: Bad

SIRI: It looks like the problem lies within and not with the loan documents.

NOTARY: Thanks Siri, I think you are in the wrong line of work. You should be a cheesy guru instead of an app. Maybe you can call your service iGuru. Whatever they ask, tell them — the problem is coming from within. You’ll have thousands or Hindus following you overnight. Canned answers work with certain crowds.

BORROWER: Sob. Yes, it is true. The documents are not the problem at all.

NOTARY: Does this mean you will keep the loan?

BORROWER: Of course not dummy. The Lender is trying to rip me off? Boo hoo hoo.

SIRI: Time to offer them one of those Kleenexes you have in your Notary bag.

NOTARY: Oh yeah. Have a Kleenex.

BORROWER: Thanks, you are one of the most considerate Notaries I’ve ever had. Will you marry me?

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What types of forms should you keep in your notary bag?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20011

Notary Carry All Bag
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1238

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September 2, 2019

Kenny Rogers’ Notary Song

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:57 pm

Here is a parody on Kenny Rogers’ song — “The Gambler.”

If you’re gonna play the Notary game, boy you gotta learn to play it right.

You’ve got to know when to take them
Know when to pass them up (because they only pay $50 or have too many fax backs)
Know when to walk away
And know when to run (to the Secretary of State’s office to report them)
You never count your number of clients
When you’re sitting at the signing table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the signing’s done.

Interpretation
If people call offering you jobs, if the job doesn’t pay enough, you might consider not taking it. On the other hand if you are hard up, you should probably take the job. If you get more signings under your belt, you might be in more demand due to more connections and better skill.

Some signings have too many fax backs or too many pages. Other signings might be from companies who cancel at the last minute or owe you too much to begin with.

Life in the Notary biz is not much different from Kenny Rogers’ song. So, try to brush up on your gambler skills, because you just might need them.

You might also like:

An Ode to Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21035

Notary Fortune Cookie
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22305

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September 1, 2019

How to effectively pick up Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:55 pm

Are you trying to pick me up?
Well I’m not putting you down!

If you want to date Notaries, you need to ask yourself a few pointed questions. First of all, why? Notaries are one of the most downtrodden professions in the world. Mostly they whine about not getting paid, yet do nothing to ensure that they do. Based on the fact that out of 7000 Notaries on 123notary, only about 100 or so have attained and kept our certification it seems that few have much knowledge or are concerned with proving their knowledge yet most make unsubstantiated claims to knowledge. Sounds very phony. Additionally, mobile Notaries have a tiring life on the road getting jerked around from job to job, having jobs cancelled and sometimes not getting paid. So, once again, why would you want to date a Notary.

ME: (back in the old days) Sign here please.

GIRL: Oh, I’m so excited to meet you. Do Notaries get paid well?

ME: Oh, about $3000 to $8000 per month on a good or bad month.

GIRL: Cool…

That girl was so excited to meet me that she scared me off, and besides, she wasn’t my type. But, she was the only girl who wanted to date a Notary, at least, during my shift.

The next order of business is: where would you meet Notaries. You can meet Notaries at the NNA convention, but they might not live in your area. You can also meet Notaries by having them come to your house to notarize something. You can call all the Notaries in town and chat them up to see who is up to your standards. You could also go to the Notary bar where Notaries hang out. The county clerk is yet another place where you can meet Notaries doing their Oath. Just wait until they say, “I do” to support the constitution of the USA and then say, “Hey baby, wanna date?” Sounds cheap, but it works.

If you have an age range you normally date, keep that in mind, because most Notaries are 50-80, so if you want to date younger people you might be out of luck. Younger Notaries might work in a bank or insurance company, so don’t give up, just avoid the mobile notaries if you focus on younger Notaries. But, if you do want to date a younger Notary, people might say, “So, you like younger Notaries…” with a smirk on their face.

So, now you have some ideas on how to date a Notary. The next issue is where to take your Notary on your date. Do you go to Cafe Le Jurat, do you get certified angus beef burgers, or an embossed giant oreo cookie? That choice is yours.

One lady tried to pick up a Notary walking down the street near the Secretary of State’s office, but she couldn’t get the Notary to acknowledge her (sorry, bad pun.) He just walked right by her. Then she chased him and swore at him. He said that you swear under Oath and not with profanity.

So there you have it — a complete guide to picking up and dating Notaries. Let me know if you have any questions.

You might also like:

Notary Pick Up Lines
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9851

A bar only for cool notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

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August 30, 2019

The notary apologizing game

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:54 pm

A Notary notarized a couple in Venice, CA. The husband was signing an Affidavit and the wife was signing a Power of Attorney. The Power of Attorney notarization required a thumbprint by law, but the wife (who was a politically correct person) mistook this for sexism.

WIFE: Ah-ha! You want a thumbprint from me, but don’t require it from my husband because he is a man!

NOTARY: With that attitude it is a wonder that you can even attract or keep a man. You regard yourself as our enemy!

WIFE: I resent that. I am on the enemy of sexist, misogynist, guys who are the enemies of womankind.

NOTARY: You mean guys who don’t let you walk all over them?

WIFE: Exactly… Hey No. You tricked me into saying that. In any case. I demand an apology for being a sexist Notary.

HUSBAND: According to the state of California…

WIFE: Stay out of this.

HUSBAND: (shrugs shoulders) okay.

NOTARY: Typical beta-male. You just love those submissive males who are just so happy to have a woman they’ll say anything.

WIFE: That’s the way men should be. They should know who the superior gender is.

NOTARY: Ah-ha! I demand an apology. You just said something sexist towards male Notaries. Okay, it was not notary-specific, but towards males.

HUSBAND: He kind of has a point.

WIFE: Stay out of this — once again…

NOTARY: Okay husband who doesn’t wear the pants in the family….

HUSBAND: Ouch… you kind of have a point here though.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear or affirm that the contents of this document are true and correct?

HUSBAND: I demand an apology. You asked me to swear when I don’t believe in swearing.

NOTARY: Oh boy, another one of those.

WIFE: He’s just kidding. He doesn’t stand for any ideology except for cow-towing to my every request which is exactly how it should be.

NOTARY: Well it looks like we live in an ideal world, so how come you are so angry now that you have everything your way?

WIFE: Everything? You call this everything? I still didn’t get my apology.

NOTARY: I apologize for not explaining notary law to you before the signing. Everything I am doing is consistent with Notary law.

WIFE: Well then notary law is sexist and part of the patriarchy since it involves swearing to God.

NOTARY: That is an issue for the secretary of state’s office.

HUSBAND: Do you know any good men’s rights organizations?

NOTARY: After today I will definitely Google a few. And if I don’t find any, then I will owe you an apology.

You might also like:

Affirmations – pleasing the politically correct while offending the traditionalists
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19606

A New category in the notary census
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22197

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August 27, 2019

Notary class where students are full of wise cracks

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:52 pm

TEACHER: Okay class, please turn to page four.

CLASS: Yes, teacher.

TEACHER: Now who can tell me what an embosser is?

JOHNNY: An embosser is a type of notary seal that leaves a raised impression.

TEACHER: Very good Johnny. You may sit down now.

JOHNNY: Does that raise your impression of me?

TEACHER: Yes Johnny, you are a fine young man.

TIMMY: Will he get a raise?

TEACHER: Enough out of you Timmy. No raise for you. Now, a Notary must keep a journal of Notarial acts, does any one know why?

TIMMY: Because the state makes us?

TEACHER: Yes, Timmy, but I was looking for more of an intrinsic reason.

TIMMY: Umm, because it would look more official?

TEACHER: No class, it is because you need a record of what you notarized just in case someone claims that the particular document was fraudulently notarized. Now, do we know why the State of California requires thumbprinting for recorded documents and Powers of Attorney/

FRED: Umm, so you get to hold the signer’s hand… like if she is a hot woman?

TEACHER: No, it is because an identity document can be forged but you cannot fake a thumbprint, at least I don’t think you can. So, how would you rate this class so far?

JOHNNY: Two thumbs up, but two thumbs not from the same signer as you are only supposed to use the right thumbprint in your journal unless it has been amputated.

TEACHER: Very good Johnny, that is the first intelligent and non demented thing you have said all semester. How did you acquire this knowledge?

JOHNNY: I broke down and actually did something called (pause) reading.

TEACHER: God forbid! Now how do we fill in a certificate?

TIMMY: Won’t it fill in on its own shortly after it hits puberty?

TEACHER: Only if it is a female certificate Timmy. But, good try. You need to fill in the county, name of notary, signer, date, and cross out unnecessary information in the pronoun section. But, the optional information below is also critical. You should mention the number of pages in the document, the document date, and the name of the document just in case someone wants to put that certificate and attach it to some other document.

FRED: Hmm, I think we’re on the same page here. But, I didn’t know documents had dates. Do they kiss on the first date?

TEACHER: I think that depends on — what kind of document it is.

TIMMY: I tried kissing a document and it said very loudly, and I quote — “I’m not that kind of document.”

TEACHER: Well, if you are the one trying to kiss it, I think that most documents would say the same thing.

JOHNNY: Yeah, maybe you should try to kiss a blind document, that way it would not realize what it was kissing.

TEACHER: Another intelligent point Johnny. We are really on a role now! Well, that concludes class for the day. Thanks for coming. Don’t forget to initial on your way out!

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Notary high school 80’s style
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22399

Are you a bad boy notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

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August 26, 2019

Don’t misspell business names

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:51 pm

Imagine that you are careless and misspell business names.

123notary could become our competitor Notary123.

NNA could become the NRA.

Complete Closers could become Complete Losers. Imagine!

So be careful when you write about Notary companies — or else!

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August 25, 2019

Hashtag #awkward

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:50 pm

A Notary goes to get tacos on his way to a signing. But, he has never been to that taco place before.

LADY: We eat here all the time. Have you ever been here before?

NOTARY: No, this is my first time… umm. Oh God, that came out sounding horrible. Umm. What I meant was this is my first time here, not my overall first time ummm, embarrasing, now I’m sounding even worse. Hmm. Let’s change the topic. Do you like al pastor tacos?

LADY: Are you a comedian or something? You had us both laughing.

NOTARY: Laughing at me or with me?

LADY: A little of both, but at least you made us laugh. So, what are you doing after having tacos?

NOTARY: Oh God. Umm. I’m doing a loan signing.

LADY: Oh, do you do a lot of that?

NOTARY: Here we go again. No. It is my first time doing that too. I’m new at a lot of things.

LADY: Oh… So, do you like to try new things?

NOTARY: Hashtag awkward. I feel like this is a Jack in the Box commercial. I don’t know. I guess it depends on what the things are.

LADY: Well, what are you doing after the signing? After all, I like a Notary who can make a girl laugh.

NOTARY: Let’s see, the term “girl” seems to be an overstatement… Oh God… Awkward.

LADY: Hey, I’m 43, but I look young, okay?

NOTARY: Yes, I guess it’s a figure of speech.

LADY: Please leave my figure out of it. Even my speech is watching its figure, that is why I got the lettuce wraps.

NOTARY: Oh (enthusiastically) that is a good idea. And you do look young for 43. You look like a young 43, like you are closer to 42, but right after your birthday.

LADY: What an awkward compliment — but, I’ll take it. Sounds like the compliment I made when I was abducted by a 435 year old extra terrestrial. I told him he didn’t look a day over 429 and he said thank you… I think. They erased a lot of my memory after that trip so it is hard to remember the exact verbiage.

NOTARY: I am going home to sleep. But, I will think about you for sure.

LADY: Would you like to check my ID to make sure I’m really a young 43?

NOTARY: You talked me into it. Waiter — more salsa please!

You might also like:

Notary Pick Up Lines Part 1
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9851

Jane the Virgin Notary
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August 24, 2019

Inappropriate things you could do at a signing

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:49 pm

Here is a list of inappropriate things you could do at a signing.

1. Visit the other rooms of the signer’s house and make comments.

2. Park in their driveway without permission.

3. Flirt with the borrower’s wife.

4. Ask the signers to hurry up and sign a little faster.

5. Watch youtube on your iphone during the signing and laugh loudly.

6. Call your girlfriend / boyfriend during the signing multiple times.

7. Dress as you would dress going to the beach or going to a nightclub.

8. Comment loudly on the borrower’s rate — “Oh my god you’re paying 5.3%?”

9. Fall asleep at the signing table.

10. Refuse to leave once the signing is finished!

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August 23, 2019

More on bad boy Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:49 pm

I wrote a blog article about the difference between bad boy Notaries and “nice” Notaries. It seems that “nice” Notaries are basically not nice at all, but a bunch of losers who want to attain other’s positive opinion and never assert themselves. The intrinsic meaning of “nice” means that you care for others which is very different from caring about how others think of you which is selfish in a lame sort of a way.

Here are some more things a bad boy Notary could do.

1. The “nice” guy Notary arrives in his Toyota Corolla or Honda, parks on the street even if he has to walk three blocks.
The bad boy Notary arrives at the signing driving a Harley. Of course, if the Harley was really noisy that would add to the bad boy appeal.

2. The ‘nice” guy Notary read copious reviews on buying the most sensible laser printer on the market, yet ends up with one that is broken half the time and works at the speed of a snail because his budget was too small. The bad boy Notary invests in a mega printer that spits out 40 pages per minute (on a bad minute) and never breaks, and also has a three year guarantee. When the bad boy Notary introduces his printer he says, and I quote, “check out this bad boy.”

3. The “nice” guy Notary neatly stacks the blank pages (if any) in the stack of loan documents. The bad boy Notary
makes spitballs out of the blank pages in the stack of loan documents, or makes paper airplanes. Japanese bad boys prefer to do origami with the blank pages and show off their Yakuza tattoos and explain the story of each tattoo. The bad boy notary could also play hang man with customers using blank pages (and even hang them if they lose.)

4. The “nice” guy Notary refuses to answer phone calls during the signing because he feels it might upset the client. The bad boy Notary realizes that he will miss his next job assignment as well as tomorrow’s job assignments if he misses phone calls, texts and emails, so he is watching them like a hawk. Moreover, he is concerned that his various lady friends might call while at the signing and he definitely doesn’t want to miss their calls.

5. The “nice” guy Notary explains to the borrower why page three on the 1003 is left blank and then gets funny looks. The bad boy Notary plays tic tac toe with the customer using page three of the 1003. Sounds kind of lame, but is a way to use the page that says, “this page intentionally left blank.”

6. The “nice” guy Notary invests big bucks going to all of the NNA conferences, learns some, and makes a handful of connections that he could have made by making a few phone calls. The bad boy Notary reads Jeremy’s blog and masters the materials in the free courses, gets a few mentors by networking with Jeremy, Carmen and the other more experienced people in the industry, AND, writes sarcastic and mildly inappropriate responses to Jeremy’s blogs… (hmmm, sounds like Ken.)

7. The “nice” guy Notary let’s his customers rack up a huge bill without complaining. After all, he is afraid that they will stop sending business his way. The bad boy Notary has a credit limit with customers which he expects them to honor. If the don’t he will cancel a job at the last minute and send a text saying, “Paypal what you owe me or find another Notary, punk!” Ouch! Once again, sounds a little like Ken, except Ken asks to be paid up front as a standard business practice. I wonder if Ken wears a leather jacket? Ken also doesn’t call people punks… he calls them turkeys instead. (gobble gobble.)

8. The “nice” guy Notary wants to attracts any client he can and is afraid to lose any client. The bad boy Notary realizes that there are some people with more time than money, and others with more money and less time — he prefers the latter and charges them appropriately. If the client is not in a position to pay big and pay fast, bad boy Notary doesn’t have a use for them.

9. The “nice” guy Notary carries pepper spray in the car just in case. Better safe than sorry. The bad boy Notary carries pepper spray in the car, on his person, a gun, has a knife collection and a club. After all, you never know what is coming. Additionally, bad boy Notary always sits closest to the door not because he is afraid — he is just thinking ahead of the game just in case something happens. You always have to have an escape plan.

10. The “nice” guy Notary always brags that he knows what he is doing and talks endlessly about his “experience.” The bad boy Notary is certified five times over and keeps his cool when talking to clients. He answers questions the way they were ask, and doesn’t try to insert little self-promoting statements into the conversation when unnecessary. He figures if someone wants to know about his background in Escrow or the 10,000 loans he signed (or claims to have signed) they will ask. He plays it cool and gets the job, because he is very professional and not at all annoying contrary to the “nice” Notary who falls on his face trying to do a snow job or smoke screen.

So, there you have it. Nice guys finish last not because they are nice, but because they are lame and unprepared, not to mention stupid. Stay ahead of the game and be a bad boy Notary. But, perhaps without the Harley as that pointer is not that critical. However the Harley jacket has been scientifically proven to attract babes.

You might also like:

Are you a bad boy Notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

Ken’s take on how to be a bad boy-girl, person, Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22374

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