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February 24, 2017

Notary with Tourettes Syndrome

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:52 am

NOTARY: Do you swear under Oath?

SIGNER: I do

NOTARY: Well you should hear me swear under Oath. I swear whether I’m under a &%?-ing Oath or not.

SIGNER: So, what do I sign first?

NOTARY: Go to hell — here!

SIGNER: I’m signing this Affidavit that I swore to.

NOTARY: Have sex — that’s perfect!

SIGNER: I’m very fond of this document.

NOTARY: Fondle it!

SIGNER: My wife made me sign this.

NOTARY: Kill her. I’ll kill her!

SIGNER: That’s one way of solving my marital problems.

NOTARY: Having sex is another.

SIGNER: Just as long as it’s not with another.

NOTARY: So, what’s the next document — pervert!

SIGNER: My next document is a civil action.

NOTARY: There’s nothing civil about your two middle fingers.

SIGNER: Leave my fingers out of this.

NOTARY: Okay — have sex without fingers.

SIGNER: In that case I won’t be able to provide a digital signature.

NOTARY: I think we all know what I’m going to say next and where this is going.

SIGNER: You mean digital sex?

NOTARY: I’m rubbing off on you.

SIGNER: Kill a Notary

NOTARY: Am I that bad?

SIGNER: Go to hell. But, I’m an athiest and don’t believe in hell.

NOTARY: (Sneezes)

SIGNER: Nobody bless you!

NOTARY: Why Nobody?

SIGNER: Because I don’t believe in God or blessings. So I give non-blessings.

NOTARY: Okay, then go to non-hell.

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February 3, 2017

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 9:04 pm

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Getting paid is serious business. But in this blog, we’re going “goofy.”

REVERSE MORTGAGES

Segagtrom. So much for literally reversing “mortgages.” In the reverse mortgage I’ll be referring to here, you get paid before you do the signing. If they don’t pay you ahead of time, charge 150 bucks. If they don’t pay you that, reverse the charges on the UPS. You can also drive in reverse to the signing. Unless you happen to be in a parking lot, in which case backing up causes serious tire damage. I can back that up in a notarized statement.

INSPECTIONS

When you inspect a house by taking photos, if it’s cheesy looking, tell it to smile and say cheese. If there are lines from broken plaster on the wall they don’t want you to shoot, charge them extra to Photoshop the lines out. Charge twenty to thirty dollars for inspection, unless the photos need touchup. When you visit their restroom and inspect their medicine cabinet, charge them a snooping fee.

REFINANCING

When getting signatures for mortgage signings, charge them a
re-re-re-re-re-refinancing fee if the signer stutters.

EDOCS OR DOCUMENTS

Ink is to a printer what cocaine is to a dealer. The first sample is free, and then they have you hooked on a very expensive habit. So be sure to charge accordingly for depleting your ink supply as you type out documents. Make sure they don’t pay you with money they printed out on their printers. Although the ink would probably be worth more than the money.

TRAVEL FEE FOR MOBILE NOTARIES

It’s been years since doctors made house calls. If you’re making a house call to notarize something, you better make sure you’re compensated for such service. Some charge by the mile, some charge by the amount of time to get there. As for the comedic price list, charge them like Dominos Pizza. They’ll get a free signing if you don’t arrive within thirty minutes or less. And when you do arrive, make sure you act extra cheesy. And top it off with an extra signature. If the signing is late at night, charge them a surcharge. If they treat you with disrespect, charge them a you-forgot-to-call-me “sir” charge.

LATE FEES

If they’re not ready for you when you arrive for the signing, charge them a late fee. If they’re not ready for you when you arrive because they’re dead, charge the next-of-kin a late, late fee. If it’s so late that it’s technically the wee hours of the morning, charge them an early fee. If they can’t pay you till tomorrow, charge them a late fee for the early fee. If they can’t pay you till after the both of you sit down and finish watching an old movie on TV, charge them a late, late show late fee for the early fee.

WAITING FEES

The more you wait to be paid, the more you charge them. If you wait till hell freezes over, charge them a waiting/defrosting fee. You’re like a taxi stuck in park with the meter running. If they haven’t reached the destination yet but they’re still your client, that will cost them. That should give you a lift. (Or for the cabbie and Uber haters out there, “Lyft”)

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January 13, 2017

The Notary Train

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:44 am

Welcome aboard the Notary (choo-choo) Train.
Today is going to be a busy day. We are traveling from Fort Stockton, TX to Tuc (choo-choo) son today. I wish you all a very nice trip. And since this is The Notary Train, if you need anything Notarized, you are in luck. We have in-house or in-train Notaries commissioned in Texas, New Mexico and Arizona just waiting to (choo-choo) help you.

10pm

ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard. May I see some ID please?

RALPH: Here it is. It is an official TX Driver License.

ATTENDANT: I’ll need a blood sample too.

RALPH: I thought you’d never ask. But, I don’t give that out to strangers. But, how about a thumb print?

ATTENDANT: A right thumbprint will do. I was just kidding about the blood samples. After all, a simple retinal scan would be just as good.

12:10am

RALPH: Hi, I need this document signed. And can you backdate?

TX NOTARY: Umm, isn’t that illegal?

RALPH: Never mind. I’ll ask the other Notary. HEY, I need this document Notarized.

NOTARY #2: When do you need it done?

RALPH: Yesterday!

NOTARY #2: No problem, we are about to cross through a time-zone change on our way to El Paso. Once we have passed it, it will be yesterday.

RALPH: So, you can backdate?

NOTARY #2: I won’t have to. In the mean time, let’s get some Notary snacks at the snack bar. How about a crepe with chocolate sauce that is dispensed from a leaky Notary Seal?

RALPH: Cool. Can I get bananas too?

NOTARY #2: Yes, but you cannot emboss them.

RALPH: Oh, too bad. So, who pours the tea around here?

NOTARY #2: Oh, we have an official TEA agent do that along with transporting blood samples.

RALPH: I love this train. I love it even more when you take a plane ride and arrive at your destination before you left your departure point. That’s a real brain teaser.

TEA AGENT: Can I offer you some tea, or a blood sample?

RALPH: Oh no, I stopped being a vampire years ago.

TEA AGENT: I didn’t, now you know why I love my job so much!

SALLY: Why is this train taking so long? I hope we get to Tucson before my commission expires.

TEA AGENT: Your commission never expires on The Notary Train baby! It’s good for life! By the way, you have a pretty neck.

SALLY: What kind of a psycho are you? Oh getting a phone call.

CALLER: I am trying to track down a particular Notary who did a signing for me in 1968.

SALLY: Well, on The Notary Train, we have lots of tracks if you want to do some tracking. But, you might have to call the Secretary of State. Good luck!

RALPH: I just love The Notary Train. It’s the only Notarial entity that is commissioned in one county and expires in an entirely different one. That’s a great concept — almost as good as reverse time travel.

NOTARY #2: Okay Ralph. Time to do your notarization without backdating. It’s 11:30pm Mountain Time on the 3rd now. Whip out those documents! It’s party time!

RALPH: Okay, let’s do the deed — I mean sign the deed. By the way, why is that guy staring at my neck still?

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January 8, 2017

Canada builds a wall and makes America pay for it

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:26 am

When Donald Trump initially started running for president people got concerned. When he won the primaries for being the Republican candidate, if you looked up “move to” on Google, it would automatically popular the phrase, “Move to Canada.” Now that Donald has won, many left wing types and minorities are extremely upset.

Some people’s upset feelings are so extreme, that many Notaries from Northern states made a run for it and temporarily relocated to Canada. But, they had trouble finding jobs, especially without a work visa. So, they resorted to using their Washington State, Montana, Idaho, Michigan Notary seals on the other side of the border which is not legal. The Canadian authorities were not able to deal with this sudden influx of desperate people and couldn’t keep up with enforcing Notary laws (since they didn’t understand the laws themselves.) So, they resorted to the most obvious solution — build a wall.

So, Canada is now constructing a wall specifically to keep Notaries, neo-Marxists, and rabid supporters of Hillary out — for good. But, Canada wants to make American Notaries pay for the wall. Spokespersons for American Notaries, Mr. Desmond Seal and Sally Close both claim that even if there are grounds for making American Notaries pay for the wall, the signing companies will have to start paying up, otherwise the Notaries won’t be able to pay their monthly installments.

Then, the government of Canada proposed the idea that American Notaries could become exempt from paying for the wall if they participate in building it. However, one Idaho Notary pointed out that building the wall might involve stepping out of Idaho into Canadian territory which would be out of his jurisdiction. Canadian officials retorted that if all Notaries thought like you — we wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place.

Meanwhile, Mexican Notaries are protesting and demanding that NAFTA be amended to allow those from Baja del Sur to notarize documents in California. We’ll keep you posted on developments. In the mean time, back to you Walter…

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January 6, 2017

Notary Purgatory

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:51 am

Notary purgatory

After a notary’s lived a not so exalted life (authenticating less than authentic documents) but not so awful life (remembering to replace his expired commission and milk) he may not be headed for heaven or hell but somewhere in between: Notary purgatory. It’s a temporary way station. The gates of heaven are on one side, gates of hell on the other. The hell of indecision is magnified here, so you’re undecided about which place you want to ultimately wind up in. Maybe you aren’t sure which destination you deserve, and maybe neither is God! You always get paid but never get paid that well. You always get clients but they always micromanage you. You start out writing a blog you think has possibilities and it winds up having zilch. Uh-oh, I’ve entered Notary Hell! In Notary Hell, what you get paid for in signings gets eaten up and then some by the cost of gas to get there.

In Notary Hell, you get bitten by the rabid dogs of clients. In Notary Purgatory, you get bitten by the clients. In Notary Hell, you witness your clients having sex. In Notary Purgatory, you witness your clients’ dogs having sex. In regular hell, you witness your parents having sex, but let’s not go there. In Buddhist Notary Purgatory, you’d witness 31 planes of existence. You’ll find Baskin-Robbins here, but the fact all 31 flavors are melted is more hellish than purgatory-ish.

In Notary Hell, the signers all use invisible ink and you don’t get paid. In Notary Purgatory, you do get paid but you spend it all on lottery tickets.

The only way to move from Notary Purgatory to Notary Heaven is to have a righteous state of mind. This may not apply, however, in the state of New Jersey.

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December 31, 2016

Notary Santa

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:14 pm

Many Notaries are under the radar so to speak when it comes to doing Notary work. Some Notaries do not fill out forms properly and others are downright cheats. So much for those DOJ background checks. Can the FBI check your integrity with one of those checks?

Notary Santa on the other hand has a good grasp of integrity. He knows who has been what Jeremy calls, “Integritous.” He knows who has been a good or naughty Notary. Here is what you get!

When a Notary has been good he/she gets a new dual tray laser printer. They usually get one of the narrower ones not to save money, but because the larger models don’t fit down a chimney. Neither does Santa, but he only works out once a year. (And eats a lot of Ho-Ho-Hos.)

When a Notary has backdated, Notary Santa delivers gifts early in the morning on the 26th, but backdates the transaction. It is a kind of Notary karma.

When a Notary has committed fraud, Notary Santa offers them a choice between Trump’s clean burning coal in their stocking and reindeer poop. Some think Trump’s ideas on coal are full of another kind of poop, but that’s for another blog. Personally, I heard that the reindeer droppings make good fertilizer, so turn lemons into lemonade with this one!

It is generally a good idea to leave cookies in the shape of a certification seal for Santa.

JIMMY: Hi Santa — you’re real.

NOTARY SANTA: I am, el-ham du-li’llah. (Praise be to God in Arabic.)

JIMMY: How many more stops do you have?

NOTARY SANTA: Only two but I’m in a real hurry.

JIMMY: Why such a hurry?

NOTARY SANTA: I’m an Islamic Santa. I do it because it pays great. But, I have to get my sleigh out of the country byJanuary 20th, 2017 before you know who takes office insh’allah.

JIMMY: Oh… Well, he’ll need congressional approval to do anything drastic, so you have nothing to worry about… assuming…

NOTARY SANTA: That’s exactly it… It’s the assuming part. Assuming that nothing unexpected happens. Like showing up on Inauguration Day with a normal haircut. Or putting a normal-sized hand on the bible. Can you imagine what will happen when I get my sleigh back to Iraq? I’m not safe here in 26 days and my sleigh is not safe in my hometown. I think I’ll just have to hide out at the North Pole or in Canada. Ya’allah — problems.

JIMMY: I understand. Can I see some ID to make sure you’re the right Santa?

NOTARY SANTA: See ID? You’re already sounding like the Trumpster. Yeah sure kid. Here it is.

JIMMY: It says Notary Santa Fouzi Al-Housseini. That’s a strange name for a Santa.

NOTARY SANTA: It’s a typical Iraqi Santa name. If you ever come to Iraq (not recommended for the next 20 years) you’ll see many Santas with this type of name. Although we’re not exactly Saint Nicks.

JIMMY: If I fill out the Notary venue I’ll put — State of Disbelief. County of Lost IDgeles.

NOTARY SANTA: Ho! Ho! Ho!

JIMMY: You ate the last one… Last year I saw Santa kissing mommy. But, she was wearing a veil. I can’t figure that one out.

NOTARY SANTA: It must have been a different Santa. But, it is hard to ID people wearing a veil or burka. Common problem in my country.

JIMMY: I was gonna make a veiled reference to that.

NOTARY SANTA: See ya Jimmy. And just call me Santa Fouzi, not Santa Claus — he handles Arizona, I cover parts of California. We have kind of a route like USPS.

JIMMY: And you took a year to get here. Just like my mail.

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Notary New Year’s Resolutions (Suggested)

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:11 am

If you are a Notary, it behooves you to have a few New Year’s Resolutions. But, what would they be?

1. Re-ink your Notary seal

2. Check your mileage on your car and record it in a book for the IRS

3. Rewrite your notes section on 123notary.com and have Jeremy proofread it to make sure it is good.

4. Exercise more…. (in terms of discretion at Notary signings)

5. Ask for more reviews for your 123notary listing. The link to your review page is above your name.

6. Lose twenty signatures.

7. Pass the 123notary Certification exam. NNA’s certification doesn’t get you more work on 123, but ours does!

8. Appreciate life more.

9. Read more Notary blogs to enhance your knowledge whether you are a beginner or expert.

10. Brush up on your Notary terms. see our GLOSSARY for that.

11. Swear less off the job unless you’re under Oath

12. Call up your old clients who you haven’t heard from in a while.

13. Get listed on the databases of a few new signing or title companies.

14. Save up and buy a top spot on 123notary.com in your county!

Happy New Year’s!!!

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December 16, 2016

Frequent signer miles?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 12:04 am

I had a dream where I met a notary who was very zealous about marketing his business. He offered frequent signer miles to his customers.

You get:
400 miles for each Acknowledgment
260 miles for a Jurat
Free peanuts & coke on your flight if you do an Oath.
1000 miles for a complete loan signing
1500 miles for a reverse signing

If you cash in 6000 miles, you get a free loan signing with 100 pages or less.
Or cash in 2000 miles and get a free mobile notary visit for two signatures and a complimentary wet nap.

The dream evolved after this — or should I say “went sideways.” I started out just with the signing agent talking about pricing. Then, we were on a British Airways where they announced, “At British Airways, we fly on the left side of the sky!” Then the captain announce that they would be doing a reverse signing and the plane started going backwards. Then we started going straight down and the flight attendant made the pilot swear under Oath that we were not going to crash. Right when we were about to hit ground, I was in someone’s living room having peanuts and coke — the notary was there saying, “Hey, would you like to get your free Oath now?” My response was — “Hell no — not on your life — or my life!”

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December 2, 2016

Notary Martial Arts — Notary-Jitsu

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 10:55 pm

Many lady Notaries are afraid to go to certain parts of town at night or go out at all. But, perhaps people might feel better if there were a type of martial art adapted for Notaries. It’s called Notary-jitsu, just like Ju-jitsu which is popular worldwide especially in Brazil of all places.

Notary-Jitsu focuses less on fighting and more on logistics as being a signing agent is all about logistics. You have to calculate how far jobs are away from you, traffic, where to park and most of all — where to sit in the person’s dining room. Some lady Notaries only sit at a 45% angle from the signer so that if the signer tries to hit them, they will be too far away. Others always sit closest to the door just in case they need to run (talk about paranoid.) Many ladies plan their escape route and let their husbands know where they are going to be.

There are several considerations of what to think about. First, if you are going to a signing and park, you might have to walk a block and deal with rabid dogs, gangsta wannabes, and people backing out of their driveways without looking. The first thing Notary-Jitsu teaches you awareness. You have to be aware of your surroundings at all times. You should be able to sense a dog with your extra-sensory perception before it becomes visible to you. You must also be able to know if a kid is a gangsta, or a chump. That takes having a good sixth sense.

For your potentially dangerous trip from your car to the house, you might need weapons. You need pepper spray for dogs, a vocabulary of Bronx style ghetto slang to deal with potential punk kids, and Notarial style embossed throwing stars just in case you have to act aggressively. Having a club availble, a hunting knife and a few guns on your person help too. But, there is no substitute for awareness — so be aware!

Once you are in the house, there are other hazards. Things could fall on you. Borrowers could grab you, hit you, or try to get you to come to their bedrooms to look at their posters. Just say no, and be vigilant. You need to make sure that at no time during the signing does the signer get between you and the door. So, inform them of what a potentially dangerous situation signing this Affidavit could be and let them know that at no time do they have permission to get between you and the door. Why? Because you are a Ninja-Notary, and you must have an escape route just in case rival ninjas come after you. That’s a good way to explain it so they don’t take it personally.

Next, hand to hand combat might be necessary if the signer tries to physically prevent you from leaving — or if they spend too much time reading every word of the Flood disclosure. Notary-Jitsu teaches you all of the possible situations you could encounter while at a dining room table. You will learn to jump out of your seat the moment someone comes between you and the door. You will learn to dodge airborne chairs. You will learn to tip the table over to facilitate your unencumbered escape, and more. And best of all, you’ll learn Japanese war cries which are the most fun part of the training.

So, grasshopper, you are in good hands. Study hard and learn the not so ancient art of Notary-Jitsu. And remember… Be aware and be mindful…

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November 18, 2016

10 things Notaries can do to screw up a notarization

1. When walking into a house where the borrower’s have large dogs, remember to not wear a suit of meat, as you will most likely get mauled ferociously

2. Always remember to have a small spare small container of vicks vapor rub, use just a little bit when entering the domicile of a hoarder or, of the special person who hasn’t figured out how to connect their ostomy bag

3. Under no circumstance should you ever bring your 175 lb ferocious rottweiler to a mobile appointment and let them attack your customer.

4. If you’re trying to conserve paper and think it is prudent to duplex (print on both sides), please don’t use that copy for the borrower’s to sign.

5. It’s common sense that if you don’t have your own solution, to print docs as in your own printer, don’t go into the borrower’s home and ask to use their printer to print their docs, and even more especially so, if they happen to be the respective secretary of state in your jurisdiction… remember to swear them in.

6. Body modification is great, and it is completely fine if you want to be an individual…. but if you look like you just bought the hardware section at home depot and affixed it to your face, maybe that isn’t the best way to impress a perspective client….

7. Always remember, the set of documents that the borrower’s signed, is the one you’re supposed to send back to the title company, If you have sent back the blank copy to the title company, you might not get away with stating you used invisible ink.

8. Always be prepared for almost every scenario, make sure you have extra stamp pads for when the ink starts to fade, blue or black pens depending on your jurisdiction, a writing or signature guide for the nearly blind or elderly goes a long way and you can be certain they’ll sign in the right spot. if you have a mobile printer, extra toner and always have extra paper.

9. If you plan on adding a piece of new technology to your equipment list, make sure to test it, find the faults, search the solutions, before you bring it out on the street. Also, before you go out for the day that your devices have a full charge. It’s great if you have a mobile scanner, but if something goes wrong, as things do… its even better if you have a solution or back up plan in place.

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