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May 5, 2018

Psychically channeling Putin for Notary advice

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 10:15 am

I run a Notary directory, but I also know how to channel spirits and living entities. I might not be great at it, but get great business advice from doing exactly that. But, I decided to channel Putin as he is a very strategic guy. Here is how the channeling interview went.

JEREMY: Hello, Mr. Putin, how are things?

PUTIN: eh.. okay!

JEREMY: I wanted to ask you a few things about the Notary industry. You see, in America which seems intent on disintegrating into a third world country as fast as possible, we have some backwards things going on in the Notary industry.

PUTIN: Yes, tell me…

JEREMY: Well, you know during the cold war in Russia, you would hire someone to clean the gutter, and someone else to watch the guy cleaning the gutter, and a third guy to watch the guy watching the guy who was cleaning the gutter, etc. The problem was that the government pretended to pay, and the workers pretended to work. Communism might function better as an economic model if people had a reason to get up in the morning.

PUTIN: Have you tried Russian coffee?

JEREMY: No, is that a reason to get up in the morning?

PUTIN: No, it is a reason to not get up in the morning. It’s horrible. Stick with Starbucks double shots. Yummy.

JEREMY: I think you should drink one while riding a horse without a shirt on. That image works for you.

PUTIN: Thanks. I take pride in being shirtless, among other things.

JEREMY: Yes, it looks good, plus you rack up a lot less of a laundry bill.

PUTIN: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. The government pays mine.

JEREMY: Oh, well in that case, maybe you should wear two shirts simultaneously. Or wear one, and then immediately change into another.

PUTIN: Yes, I tried that. That reminds me of a line from Coming To America, where the African king said, “I once tied my own shoes… I assure you that the experience is over-rated.”

JEREMY: Good point. In any case, The Notary divisions are not watching the Notaries, except a little in California. And nobody is watching the Notary divisions. If we had an effective set of checks and balances, who should watch the Notary divisions which are state run?

PUTIN: The Feds.

JEREMY: And who should watch the Feds?

PUTIN: We should.

JEREMY: So, if there is a problem in a Notary division, will you write a letter to your pal Donald?

PUTIN: Actually, we did, but we did not get paid due to budget cuts. I blame it on the Republican party.

JEREMY: So our government pretends to pay you and you pretend to watch them?

PUTIN: No, we watch them, we just don’t provide services with the information we get when we watch them. But, we try to learn military secrets and find out who is cheating on their wives.

JEREMY: What a comforting thought — not. But, last month, I had a dream that someone in the CIA was concerned that you were not spying on them enough. Fred at the CIA got so concerned in fact that he wrote you a letter asking you if something was wrong.

PUTIN: Oh, yes, well , um, we do our best. You cannot ask for more than that.

JEREMY: Good point. In any case, my opinion on your idea to slowly grow your empire is as follows. Taking over Ukraine will cause tremendous unrest. And what’s the point? It is just another place just like the seemingly infinite land you already have. It might better to save your money and just buy a Greek island. They are broke and could use the money, and you guys could use a place that is warm.

PUTIN: Yes, but that would not involve a show of force, so where is the pleasure in that?

JEREMY: Well maybe you could have some other type of controversy with the Greeks about their debts where you could strong-arm them and show your superiority without any actual violence.

PUTIN: Actually, I like that. I will think about that. I am a little distracted. My friend is teaching some Shostakovich to his child in the next room. He keeps saying, “No, no, even though it sounds wrong, it’s still not right.”

.

You might also like:

New travel ban for Notaries from 7 countries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19316

Secretary of State hacked by Russians
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19110

Compilation of posts about Notary & Politics
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20357

Trump – making American Notaries Great Again
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17023

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May 4, 2018

The Notary Plantation

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:44 am

Back in the 1800’s, Notaries had to pick signatures at The Notary Plantation. The irony of this blog is that one angry black notary told me that he didn’t work for my plantation any more back about eight years ago. I informed him that I don’t run a plantation, I provide advertising so that OTHER people’s Notary plantations can find you! How did I suddenly become the oppressor? I have never oppressed anyone so far. Repressed, suppressed or depressed maybe, but not oppressed.

Mr. JOHNSON: When you’re on this plantation, you better set your mind to picking signatures boy. Put your back into it.

NOTARY SLAVE (Jarvis): Yes master. But, may I have a drink of water?

Mr. JOHNSON: Do a good job, or you will be drinking ink, boy!

Ms. FIDDLE: Don’t worry Jarvis, I’ll teach you how to read just like you’ve always wanted to. We can start by practicing reading this new British comedy called Two Broke Blokes!

NOTARY SLAVE: Thank you Ms. Fiddle, and I do mean it. But, right now I have to Notarize signatures for the man. Otherwise he’ll ship me down the river, and Notary rules are strict down there I hear — they might even require journals.

Mr. JOHNSON: Or maybe I’ll ship you out west. I was out west a year ago and met this guy who is half Navajo and half Filipino. He had Adobo, in an Adobe. Ha ha ha. I’ll never forget that, but too much garlic.

NOTARY SLAVE: Are Filipinos slaves or free people?

Ms. FIDDLE: I think you better forget that conversation and do your work and then we’ll have our secret meeting. But, don’t mess around otherwise he will chain you to a desk while you do Notary work for this makeshift county clerk office he has in his waiting room.

NOTARY SLAVE: I had this dream that black people would be free, but that Chinese people will one day be slaves in New York Chinatown and will be chained to a stove making kung pao chicken.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yes, but nobody will regard them as real slaves because the leftist media will not publicize that fact and also because the slaves were not black. And if you reincarnate 150 years from now, don’t tell anyone that the first American slaves were Irish and not black.

NOTARY SLAVE: Irish? Boy have times changed. Now there the one’s building the railroads and then having kung pao when they reach the middle of the line and bump into those Chinese railway workers.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yeah, but there’s nothing worse than Szechuanese food cooked by Cantonese cooks, you know what I mean? It’s a gourmet thing.

NOTARY SLAVE: I’ll take your word for it. I can’t wait to get my freedom papers. Then, I can buy my own slaves and make them do Notary work and sign under duress.

Ms. FIDDLE: Now there’s a healthy attitude if I’ve ever heard one. But, if you sign under duress, that could be an issue in court. Anyway. Here’s a customer.

CUSTOMER: Hi, I need this Affidavit Notarized, but I’m not sure if I need an Oath or an Affirmation.

NOTARY SLAVE: According to my psychic, we won’t have Affirmations until long after freedom comes.

CUSTOMER: Freedom? You mean you’re administering signatures under duress? Well, that’s better than actually being a principal and signing under duress. How can you do this job if you are not allowed to know how to read.

NOTARY SLAVE: Just between you and me, I learned to read a little by reading Two Broke Blokes, but it got dicey when it got to the point where Randy wanted a sex change, but Gary said he better not otherwise he would go straight and start dating girls.

CUSTOMER: He wouldn’t!!!

NOTARY SLAVE: That’s what Randy said, but then Gary got a job in British East India as a tea merchant. The story gets complicated.

CUSTOMER: I’ll say. Does your master know about this reading activity you do?

NOTARY SLAVE: He says it’s okay just as long as I don’t enjoy it. But, I liked the part where Gary goes straight and then gets dumped by Gertrude in Bombay. What a sucker!

CUSTOMER: Oooh, I’m telling! Busted! Hey Mr. Johnson, your slave here actually enjoys reading!

Mr. JOHNSON: Get back to stamping boy! Uh oh, are those union soldiers blowing their trumpet? We’re in trouble. Even more trouble than Gary was in when Sally dumped him.

NOTARY SLAVE: Sally dumped him? I didn’t get that far.

Mr. JOHNSON: Look at page 156.

NOTARY SLAVE: Oh yes sir. And when I’m freed, in about 43 minutes, I’ll always think fondly of you, especially the time you let me have prime rib… I can still taste it.

Mr. JOHNSON: Prime rib? Page 158. I enjoyed that too.

(trumpets of union cavalry… soldiers storm the house, and free the Notary who goes on to be broke and do loan signing for low ball signing companies, but has fun reading trashy romance novels.)’

EX NOTARY SLAVE: I sure do love my newly obtained freedom. But, honestly, I went from living in a mansion having prime rib and reading British comedy novels to living in a slum working for signing companies who don’t pay on time…. Oh, and no prime rib. But, at least Gary and Randy made up. So, thank God for something.

Ms. FIDDLE: Time for some moo shoo. Are you game?

.

You might also like:

A Notary guest speaker gets harassed by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Notary Sexual Harassment issues
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19698

Demographics in the Mobile Notary Business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15359

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April 13, 2018

Some comedians look for notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:39 am

Two comedy writers were looking for a Notary. But, they wanted to try all of the directories out just to compare, and then started making jokes.

JAKE: What do you call a notary you found on Snapdocs who is white and from the East Coast?

SULLY: I don’t know.

JAKE: A White Atlantic Snapper.

SULLY: Oh, you mean a White Anglo-Saxon Atlantic Snapper. At least you didn’t call him a cracker. What about an African SnapMerican?

JAKE: Good one. When I use 123notary, I drink Coke, but when I use that other site I drink Snapple. But, when I use the third site I notate and rotate between sodas.

SULLY: Good one. What do you call someone who administers osteopathic written exams?

JAKE: I’m stumped, but I bet the answer will crack me up.

SULLY: A chiro-proctor.

JAKE: What did the Red Snapper use to get into his safe?

SULLY: A Chero-kee?

JAKE: By the way, what is the first item on the menu for a cannibalistic Japanese restaurant?

SULLY: Just going out on a limb here, an edible limb. Ummm. Raw men? I guess that’s pronounced Ramen. It’s less fun when you pronounce it that way though.

JAKE: I was just thinking about that, you know when you buy ramen noodles you have a choice of chicken, beef, or oriental flavor. Isn’t that a little bit politically incorrect?

SULLY: Yeah, it should be Asian-American flavor. The flavor was probably invented in the 70’s before all of this PC stuff came into existence.

JAKE: Hey, did you know that the Atlantic ocean’s name is derived from the Mayan word for water which is “Atl?”

SULLY: No, I never knew that. Probably from Atlantis which no longer exists above water. Maybe it will come back. Then we can hire an Atlantian Notary.

JAKE: Cool…

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April 6, 2018

The curse of the Notary mummy

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:28 am

A few years back, and Egyptologist went to Giza to do some research one some new findings. There were mummies buried in a chamber far deeper in the pyramid that had never been discovered before. The maps of the interior of the pyramid did not include this room and it was discovered using sound technology. The sound technology spotted (perhaps heard would be a better word since it is sound technology) a hollow area far within the ten thousand year old pyramid.

The historian was from America and was very logical. He didn’t believe in curses. After all, we all know that couldn’t possibly be real. So, he ignored the warnings from his Egyptian colleagues and went into the chamber — alone!!! He discovered all types of artifacts and encrypted messages written in hyroglyphics on the wall. It reminded him of his last trip to Hunan Garden where the bill was written in hyroglypics. There was a bird character, some people walking like Egyptians pointing their hands forward, a paper, and then a notary seal. Oh my God. Our historian had discovered an ancient Egyptian Notary Public.

Then he looked further. There were pictographs of the king asking him to administer an Oath. But the Notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths.” Maybe that’s how the Notary died. He was so poorly trained, that the king or Pharoah had him put to death to teach a lesson to the other Notaries. The other Notaries said, “That’s so unfair—o!” In any case, the Notary must have either been high ranking in the dynasty he lived in or have been from a prominent family to be mummified. Enbalming don’t come cheap, and neither does space in a pyramid. I tried looking up rooms in pyramids on Craig’s list and the prices were astronomical.

In any case, this dumb Egyptologist took the liberty to open the casket and try to move the mummy. Immediately his lamp flickered, his electronic devices suddenly failed. He was all alone, in the dark and screamed — help!!!! Luckily, he was able to feel his way out of the room, down the hall and to his awaiting comrades who were down the hall. His colleagues warned him that terrible things would happen because of what he had done, but he didn’t believe them. After all, this was just a coincidence, right?

Nothing bad happened to that historian. However, many people working for signing companies who don’t pay Notaries reported having dreams of mummies coming unenbalmed following them around. Perhaps the mummy in question did not get paid by ancient Egyptian signing companies and wanted revenge on signing companies, but not on archeologists (hmm). One reported that it was hard to breath and felt something pressing on her chest. Another felt something touching her at night that wasn’t there. Finally the signing companies started to talk to each other. They decided they were being haunted by the spirit of the Notary mummy. Something had to be done. So, finally after a few years of discussions and talking to people in Cairo, they decided to have someone go back into that pyramid into the forbidding chamber and close that casket once and for all.

But, the person chosen to close the casket decided that the mummy would feel much happier if he put a Notary journal in the casket with him to take to the afterlife. They put the journal in, closed the casket, and moved it back to where it had originally been. Then the dreams continued. The mummy said, “My state doesn’t require journals!” People in five different signing companies had this dream.

Finally, they called a Shaman in to solve this for good. The Shaman had a clever plan. He had someone imposter the mummy’s Notary seal, and the mummy’s spirit was called into Notary Court in heaven. The judge asked for evidence of the transaction that the notary allegedly notarized. The Notary explained that his state didn’t require a journal. The judge sentenced him to 100 years in spirit jail. Kind of a harsh sentence, but the bad dreams stopped, and everyone was happy. The Shaman made out well as he got free notary service for life and after-life which was all fine and dandy until he asked for an Oath and the notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths. Then the Shaman looked up their state handbook, found out that they do indeed do Oaths in the Notary’s state, reported the Notary to the Secretary of State, and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, the shaman decided to put some ancient egyptian money in the casket where the mummy with a note in hyroglyphics that said it was from that ancient Egyptian company that never paid him. The note said — payment plus 3000 years worth of interest.

And so ends the saga of the Notary mummy.
The moral of the story is — never trust a dead Notary who doesn’t keep a journal.

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April 2, 2018

Compilation of posts about notary & politics

Filed under: Compilations,Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:45 pm

POPULAR
.

The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17023

.

ALPHABETICAL
.

A Notary guest speaker gets harrased by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19463

His first 100 days
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19258
How Carmen dealt with some Alt-right customers
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19092

Is Trump to blame for a Notary slowdown?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19138

If Trump hired you as a Notary, would you get fired?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19120

Letter to Trump about the sad condition of American Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19403

Notarizing Jeff Sessions on Torture
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19296

Notary speaker offends college students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19395

Notarizing David Duke with Bernie Sanders
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19302

Notarizing the health records of Hillary and Trump
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18939

The immigration debate — both sides are missing the point
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19485

Trump caught on mike with a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18982
.

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January 26, 2018

The new acknowledgment form for transgender people

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:28 am

With all of this politically correct nonsense going on, there will soon be an official change to Notary paperwork so that the LGBT community’s needs will be represented. The current form (I made this up) says:

On (date), before me (name of notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument, and acknowledged to me that he/she/they executed the same in their his/her/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

But, as of January 1st, 2019, the new form will read.

On (date), before me (name of Notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument and acknowledged to me that

(he/she/he who used to be a she/she who used to be a he/he who dresses like a she/she who dresses like a he/T/they)
executed the same in his/her/it’s complicated/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/unclear/it’s/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

Additional information
The signer’s “assigned” gender is male/female
The signer’s “current” gender is male/female/ambiguous/depends on how long the line is to the bathroom
The gender indicated on the identifcation is male/female
The sex change or change in dress happed before/after when the ID was issued.

On a brighter note, I had lamb with shishito peppers. I asked the waitress if shishitos had genders. The male could be a he-shito, and the female a she-shito. She said it didn’t work like that. I told her that was for the best, because what if we got a transgender-shito? That would be confusing.

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January 24, 2018

Don’t Analyze — Notarize

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:43 am

Do you spend all day thinking about what the document means? It is not your job to figure it out. Just make sure the signer understands it.

Do you spend all day declining jobs for foreign language documents? Many states including California allow you to notarize in languages you do not speak. Just make sure you understand your state’s rules and follow them.

Do you fret about how much business you are getting or not getting instead of just going out there and doing something?

Do you wear the new Zen Nike sneaker whose slogan is — just don’t do it?

Do you spend too much time complaining about how little you get paid?

Do you waste hour after hour on Facebook complaining that Jeremy asked you a Notary question which you did not know the answer to? In that case, don’t analyze, just study how to notarize.

Do you worry that your journal is running out of space? Just buy a few new ones and keep them in your closet or in your notary bag for when you need them.

Do you worry that the price of gas is going up? Experts say that for the next decade, gas will be about the same price. US drilling has killed the market and is putting the Saudis out of business. One Saudi prince got so upset that business was so bad, he actually considered becoming a mobile notary — and then he came to his senses.

Most Notaries think all day long about inconsequential things. Don’t do this. Focus on learning to master your skill, and then market yourself so you can be successful. And as Native Americans say, “Don’t worry be Hopi.”

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January 12, 2018

Notary Jail

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 12:00 pm

I think that I am the first person to come up with this concept. Notary jail. Where Notaries go when they’ve been bad. But, most Notaries have been bad, they just didn’t get caught because their secretary of state’s don’t bother to enforce a single law. What is the point of having laws if you don’t enforce them?

If you forget to administer an Oath you should be sent to Notary jail and get booked. The first thing they will do is thumbprint you in their journal. Then, they will ask you if you take journal thumbprints. If you say, “My state doesn’t require that.” Then they will put you in solitary confinement. After all, an innocent person could be scammed out of everything they own and the culprit could run free simply because you didn’t take a thumbprint.

If you didn’t ID someone correctly, then a cell in the insane ward would be in order. Since you let John Smith sign as John W Smith, you will also not mind being around five people who are sure that they are Abraham Lincoln.

And then there are the people who don’t fill in certificates properly or send loose certificates in the mail. Tisk tisk. The staff at Notary jail will goof on your jail paperwork if you do that and you’ll be in for a long time.

Oh, and the food at Notary jail? Embossed flat bread sandwiches. You get that nice raised seal embossed pattern on every bite. Then they have a breakfast cereal called frosted mini-seals. Oh, and one more thing. They have soap shaped like a Notary seal. But, don’t drop the soap (or don’t drop the seal.)

And if they ask Notary questions in Notary jail, don’t talk back to the guards like you normally do to Jeremy. Just answer questions the way they were asked and you might get time off for good behavior.

.

Putting jails and hospitals into your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19266

Go to jail but DO collect $100
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15361

Do criminals deserve to be notarized?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2586

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January 5, 2018

Notary Journal vs. Lady Tied to Train Tracks?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:34 am

What is the difference between a Notary Journal and a lady tied to some train tracks?

The lady is bound, but not sequential…

A Journal is bound and sequential. But, what is the train doesn’t come on time? Does that mean that the lady has more time to be rescued? What if the Notary rescuing her is not on time and gets a complaint on 123notary? What if the Notary rescuing her doesn’t keep a journal because his/her state doesn’t require it?

There are so many variables here. But, ladies are only tied to train tracks in movies with 1920’s type music. We don’t listen to that type of music much unless you like Charlie Chaplin and by the way, I live a few blocks from his house which is quite elegant.

What about a lady on a train with a journal? That sounds more agreeable!

For now all I have to say is — keep a journal whether your state requires it or not. You might need it in court and it could save your life. Not having a journal in court is like being tied to train tracks.

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December 15, 2017

He was on his way to a Notary appointment when….

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:08 am

For the last several years I have been looking for my black equivalent. Someone who is a brotha who is just like me in all ways. I lost home in ever finding this person until…

It was a few days ago. I was late to a Notary appointment and in line at Starbucks. I am addicted. I know. Too much sugar and caffeine, but we all have needs. And there he was.

He was wearing a gray t-shirt, blue jeans, and flip flops, just like me. He looked cynically at the croissants in the display and looked like he could stand to lose a few pounds.

I exclaimed — “I’ve done it — I have finally found my black equivalent. You are just like me in all ways.”

BRUTHA — “What????”

JEREMY: “We dress exactly the same way, have the same body type, you are my black equivalent!”

BRUTHA: “Because I’m wearing a gray t-shirt? Please. That don’t mean nothin’.”

JEREMY: “YES IT DOES — you’re the guy. I have been looking for my brutha of anotha culla for years now. And you’re it.”

BRUTHA: “You crazy man! (mumbling) White people. I’ll never figure them out…”

JEREMY: “So much for equivalents and racial equality. I guess you’re saying we’re not equal.”

BRUTHA: “You wanna see EQUAL? See this little blue packet that I’m putting in my coffee. That’s the only EQUAL I care about…. Please….”

(an hour later — Jeremy runs into another brutha, but this time is wearing a Russian fur hat.)

JEREMY: “I think we have another prospect. Yup, gray t-shirt, flip flops, ooh, even the same kind I wear from Adventure 16, and yes, of course Levi’s. Gotta have Levi’s unless you are going to a high end Notary appointment then wear business casual. Who am I kidding. HEY, you are my black equivalent. Look at us (standing next to him.)

IVAN: “You are right. (thick Russian accent.)

JEREMY: “Is that a Russian accent? Are you a black Russian?”

IVAN: “Yes, and I am your black equivalent. We fought for equality for years and I am glad to be your equal. Think of me as a COMRADE FROM ANOTHER MOMRAD.”

JEREMY: “All right. Strasnitzie (hello) my brutha! ”

IVAN: “Strasnitzie tavarich (hello), my main comrade.”

JEREMY: “But, it’s 90 degrees and you are wearing that Russian fur hat.”

IVAN: “Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh Hell Nyet…. HELL NYET!!!”

JEREMY: “You better not be late otherwise your grandmother might burn the Pyrogies.”

IVAN: “What did you say about my babushka?”

JEREMY: “Okay, I’m glad I met you. Tell your babushka or grandmother that I said hi. Dasvidaniya playuh!”

IVAN: “See you next time. Oh, and by the way, we prefer to be called — African American Russians, not Black Russians.”

JEREMY: “That is because your ancesters come from near the African American Sea near Armenia. My client and his Grant Deeds are waiting.”

IVAN: “You got that right!”

.

You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy String
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=black-notaries-versus-white-notaries

Secretary of State Hacked by Russians
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19110

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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