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November 17, 2017

Finding Your Roots — Notary Edition

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:07 am

Harrison Stampworth was a guest on the show Finding Your Roots. His male lineage was a long line of Notaries Public going back to the time and general location of where George Washington was before the Revolutionary War. What Harrison didn’t initially realize was that his ancestors had committed some major Notarial crimes and were even prosecuted for them.

His 8th Great Grandfather Jedidiah got in a lot of trouble. He had a bunch of slaves, and was too lazy to do his own Notary work. So, he made his head slave Jarvis do the work for him. What Jedidiah didn’t know was that it was illegal to let anyone else use your seal. Eventually, Jedidiah got locked up for allowing another person to use his seal. The original sentence was three years, but it was lengthened another two because the person allowed to use the seal was not even a free man. Additionally, Jarvis got his freedom papers fraudulently notarized, but forgot to realize that while impersonating his Master as a Notary, he also impersonated his Master as the signer — and you can’t notarize yourself. So Jarvis and Jedidiah ended up in neighboring jail cells, each for completely different Notarial crimes.

His 7th Great Grandfather Eli Notarized John Hancock’s John Hancock signing the declaration of independence, but the document is still smudged to this day due to his sloppy clerical skills. He also asked Ben Franklin if he needed Notary services, and Ben told him to go fly a kite. Then he swore in a relative of George Washington who said, “I cannot tell a lie, but if I do, just make sure it’s not under Oath.” And then Eli said, “No problem, we’ll just do an Affirmation — I’ve always been a few hundred years ahead of my time. So chew on that!” — the other guy said, “If my teeth weren’t made of wood I’d take you up on your offer.”

Harrison’s 4th Great Grandmother Abitha headed the largest Notary Association of the 1800’s which was called Confederate Notary Association where their motto was, “Keep it civil.” She used giant Notary seals to smuggle bullets across enemy lines to confederate soldiers. Another noteworthy piece of information about Abitha was that she died on the exact day of her commission’s expiration date right after she had her daily tea and beignets.

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November 10, 2017

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:09 am

There is a town in Virginia where there is a statue of Franklin Bends. Franklin was a Notary Public in his day and also had slaves. A group of leftists surrounded the statue and wanted to either vandalize it, or take it down entirely. Meanwhile another group called, Notary lives matter got word of this protest and went to defend the statue. Their argument was that this man was an important part of history even though he had committed some sins according to the modern way of thinking. The second argument was that five hundred years from now when there are statues of violent and irratic protesters, those statues will be knocked down because five hundred years from now they will be prejudiced against people do drugs, act crazy and destroy things.

The the protesters asked, “How do you know that?” The NLM leader said, “I just made that up — no just kidding, I asked my psychic.” Then the protesters asked, “Well how reliable is he?” NLM retored, “He’s accurate a lot of the time.” The head of the protesters asked, “Do you have his card or something. I need a psychic right now. My last one skipped town.” Then the NLM guy said, “I knew you were going to ask that… okay, I didn’t, but my psychic did, or at least I predict that he would.”

The NLM leaders said that destroying the statue would not change the past, or improve the future — it would just be an act of destruction and erasing our history and heritage. Can you imagine a world where history has been twisted or completely erased? Would you want to live in that type of world? History could not repeat itself because it wouldn’t have happened yet, plus there would be one less category on Jeopardy.

Then the protesters explained that we already lived in that type of world because history is taught from the point of view of the people who won wars, and that Native Americans are always represented as savage fighters or helpless victims simply because that is the only information the historians had on them. If the Native Americans had written history, they would have shown life as normal and then Custer coming out of nowhere and destroying them.

NLM rebutted that the protesters had a good point but were digressing, but not regressing. NLM decided that they would compromise by having the protesters create a statue of protesters protesting the statue of the Notary instead of smashing things down. The protesters agreed and so did the birds (tweet tweet) who were protesting that there were no transgender statues for them to go to the bathroom on — an interesting twist on transgender Avian bathrooms.

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November 3, 2017

Notary Sexual Harrasment Issues

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:10 am

Many lady Notaries are afraid to go to a single man’s house for obvious reasons. But, the type of harrassment in this blog article will surprise even you guys who read my blogs regularly. Here are some bizarre situations that would happen.

The client wanted to get it on with the Notary. The Notary was offended, but NOT because the client wanted to get it on with him, but because the client wanted to do it do it with him and his stamp. The Notary said, “I’m not into that!”

The next situation involves the Notary chasing a woman around a desk (sounds like a Hindi movie) to get her signature. The woman resists because she claims she doesn’t know the Notary well enough to sign his journal. Sounds like a Beetles song, “Baby let me sign your journal.”

The last situation happened with Will from Will and Grace. Will had a male Notary who was straight who was offended because of how Will kept talking about how he wanted to be Notarized. Will: “Oh, NOTARIZE me, STAMP me, STAMP me all night long. Oh, whip out that embosser. Oh, you… Do you want me to SIGN something? I want to SIGN your BOOK. Oh please let me sign your book! Are you going to hold my thumb when we do journal thumbprints?” Then the Notary said, “Oh, my state doesn’t require thumbprints.” Then Will said, “in that case, you’re fired, but before I fire you, are you going to stamp me for approval?”

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October 22, 2017

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 1:01 am

Some people like to be politically correct and use all of the correct language that the neo-marxists want to control us into using. Some of us go around pushing our semantic preferences on others which gets very offensive after a while. The Notary community has been affected by this political correctness too.

We used to have only Oaths, but now we have Affirmations to please the unbelievers as well as those who are ultra-religious and don’t believe in swearing. The problem is that Notaries are so intimidated by the people who are anti-swearing that Notaries deliver Affirmation verbiage when you ask for specifically for an Oath because they are afraid to offend you. I am very offended that you did NOT mention swear in my Oath? I fail people on quizzes because they omit the word, “swear.” If someone doesn’t want to swear do an Affirmation, but you cannot mix and match notary verbiages and procedures. In an Affirmation you affirm, in an Oath you swear. Anthing different would be like a pimp with a health plan. There I go again! I meant to say Pimp-American and we can no longer say health plan but most say PPO, or HMO, or for pimps they now have a PMPO. The bottom line is that the leftist politically correct people have taken over, we have lost our freedom of speech, and most Notaries don’t know their Notary acts at all which is a disaster. The only people who can come to our defense include Bill Meyer and Family Guy!

But, what about being Notarially Correct? Is there such a thing and should there be? To be politically correct when someone orders their coffee black, you ask, “Don’t you mean African-American?”

You certify an acknowledged signature
But, when you Acknowledge a signature as a Notary, what you really mean is that you Certify and Acknowledged signature — and no, it is not just semantics. Because it is not the Notary who acknowledged the signature, it is the signer who acknowledges, the Notary certifies and notarizes.

You got your Notary commission
Many ignorant and notarially incorrect people say, “I just got my Notary.” or “I just got my certificate.” What they mean is that they just received the certificate that certifies them as a state commissioned Notary. The more NC way of saying this is, “I just received my Notary commission.”

Are you a Notary Public?
Some people ask if you are a Notary Republic, a Noterary, or a Notarizer. How ignorant can you get? A Notary Public is a public servant who does Notary work. They work for the public and hence have the term public in their name. A Notary Public may not turn down a legal request from the public otherwise they would be a Notary Private. And you are not a nation, so you are not a Notary Republic any more than Banana Republic is a Republic although I love their button down tropical shirts!

Send me an acknowledgment certificate
Some people say, “Hey, send me a Jurat in the mail.” This sounds like an illegal request. But, if they mean an acknowledgment certificate they better get their terms straight. The two notary acts are not the same.

Filling in your journal the wrong way is also not notarially correct. The correct and thorough methodology is one journal entry per person per document and include additional notes about the signer and a thumbprint. Your state might not require it but the judge who you will be facing will appreciate your prudency and so will 123notary!

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October 6, 2017

A dream about Baskin Robbins

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:40 am

Running 123notary is quite grueling. If I sometimes (or usually) seem impatient, it is because I have so many things to do and not enough time. Sometimes after working many hours I like to go out for ice cream. As a child we had Baskin Robbins nearby. But, in my neighborhood, they closed down the only 31 flavors many years ago. But, I was in San Gabriel in a Chinese neighborhood where they still have them. So, I got pistachio almond which did not exist when I was little. There is something about the texture of their ice cream. I just don’t like the new boutique creameries as much as good old fashioned Baskin Robbins.

But, then I had a dream. I was confronted with a tray with twelve scoops of ice cream in a kitchen. But, I only had one. I guess I had this dream because their ice cream meant so much to me. After that I had a dream about a psycho Notary who I had a problem with.

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September 16, 2017

A Notary at a Bat-Mitzvah

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:49 pm

A Notary who was down on his luck with women tried some new strategies for meeting women. He went to a comedy club, but bombed even worst than the amateur comedian who asked him to notarize a joke. The Notary said, your comedy act IS a joke! Then the Notary struck out when going to a Bat-Mitzvah.

Then the Notary (who had a lot of Jewish friends) decided that the Bat-Mitzvah was much better than the Bar-Mitzvah because people didn’t get drunk playing baseball there.

After that, the Notary had to drive through a part of town with heavy traffic while he was on the phone with the Bar-Mitzvah boy. Our Notary said he wanted to circument the traffic by taking a side route, but the 13 year old recently Bar-Mitzvah’ed boy recommended that instead — he circumsize the area!

Then the 13 year old boy described his problem to the Notary. The boy went to the Orthodox Notary and said, Can you do an Abrucha Notarization on my skateboard? The Orthodox Notary said, I would love to, but what is that thing you have with the wheels on it. Then he went to the Converservative Notary and the Notary said, I like the way you think kid, but I really can’t do such an act — it wouldn’t be kosher. Then the boy went to a Reformed Notary and said, ‘Notary, can you do an Abrucha Notary blessing on my skateboard?” The Notary said, “Nice skateboard, my cousin has one just like it, but tell me — what is an abrucha Notarization?”

Then the Notary said, “No problem, I’ll do an Abrucha Notarization for you on an Oath, or sworn written statement — your choice. The Oath will be in English, and then I’ll say some prayer.”

After that, the Notary went to one of those Shabbat dinners at a Kabbalistic Shul. During dinner, he said, “I want to make a joke about Reformed Rabbis.” Then a Reformed Rabbi got up and said, “I’m a Reformed Rabbi.” Then the Notary said,

NOTARY: “Good, then you’ll get the joke — or not, because the whole point of the joke is to make fun of the fact that Reformed Rabbis don’t get it — like not knowing what Abrucha is or other Hebrew terminology.”

REFORMED RABBI: Not knowing what what is?

NOTARY: Thanks for playing along with me.

REFORMED RABBI: I wasn’t playing along.

NOTARY: That’s the ammunition for the joke then!

REFORMED RABBI: Well, did you hear about the Notary Public who didn’t know what “Scilicit” or “Locus Sigilli” mean?

NOTARY: Who didn’t know what what meant?

REFORMED RABBI: It seems that you know a lot about Judaism, but nothing about how to be a Notary

NOTARY: Listen, I might not know how to be a good Notary, and you might not know how to be a good Rabbi, but both of us are better than that pathetic comedian I saw yesterday — his comedy routine was a joke!

REFOFORMED RABBI: Not as much of a joke as the goalee I hired for our last Bat-Mizvah!

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September 8, 2017

Notary speaker offends college students

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:53 pm

Notary is hired to do a speech for college students in Berkeley. But, everything he says offends them.

NOTARY: Welcome class. Today I am here to speak of the duties of the Notary Public. A notary is appointed by the Secretary of State or Notary division in the prospective Notary’s respective state.

SUZIE: Like… Notaries should be able to do whatever they want man… Screw the rules.

NOTARY: Well, if you ignore the rules, you could end up losing your commission and ending up in jail

JACK: That’s fascist man… Not fair. Let’s throw things!!!!!

NOTARY: I’ll call for police back up if you throw one thing.

JACK: I knew you were on their side. You’re a rightist extremist!!!

SUZIE: So, what about women. Do women have equal opportunities in the Notary world or is there a glass ceiling like in the rest of the world where we have “equal” opportunities.

NOTARY: Actually, now that you mention it, the reason for the pay gap between men and women in jobs at large worldwide stems from the fact that women work three hours less per week than men — assuming they work at all. Additionally, men are more willing to do dirty, dangerous, technical and otherwise unpleasant work while women prefer to do work that is more socially gratifying, involving people, healing, children, and that lead to a balanced life even if it pays less. The result is that women have more balanced lives but get paid less. If you compare apples to apples for women and men with the same amount of experience, neither of whom take a maternity leave and work the same amount of hours and with the same vigor and skill level, women actually get paid slightly more than men.

SUZIE: Bullshit!!!! That’s sexist! Let’s start a riot!!!!

NOTARY: I have the police on speed dial if you can’t control yourself.

JACK: This guy’s a fascist — let’s get the noise maker and drown him out so he can’t be heard!!!!

NOTARY: I am here for your benefit so you will do better in the real world. If you want to undermine that opportunity, that hurts you, not me.

FRANK: Good point. I think we need to listen instead of antagonizing the Notary, even if that means compromising our “values” of attacking anyone we falsely accuse of being right wing, unfair or fascist when we are the ones who are unfair fascists of a left-wing variety.

SUZIE: You said it!! Wait a second. Could you repeat that?

NOTARY: Yes, by preventing people from speaking by force you are imposing a vigilante style neo-marxist fascism. If more people did that, we would all lose our freedom of speech just like in many other countries — which would be bad, unless it was only you guys losing your freedom of speech as well as the freedom to throw things which is considered a felony.

FRANK: I’m in your boat on this one. Or on the wagon. Or… I just quit smoking so, maybe I’m off the wagon. Not sure…. Go on!

NOTARY: A Notary’s job includes Acknowledging signatures, administering Oaths, taking Jurats, and sometimes a few other tasks, but those are the main three. Official acts can vary from state to state, but all states have Acknowledgments, Jurats, and Oaths.

JACK: You mean like Quaker Oaths?

NOTARY: No, Jack, an Oath is where you raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth like when they swore in Donald… bad example, like how they would have sworn in Hillary Clinton had the election not been rigged.

FRANK: Traitor!!!

SUZIE: I had you all wrong. I LOVE you Mr. Notary. Would you date me? It would be like how Ross dated that college student on Friends.

NOTARY: Oh God. I’m just trying to appease the situation, but it seems I made an enemy out of Frank in the process. In any case, an Acknowledged signature is when a signer signs a document. They can take it later on to a Notary and have the Notary fill out a form stating they acknowledge signing the document. They do not have to sign in the presence of the Notary, but do need to show ID and personally show up in front of the Notary. A Jurat requires the signer to sign in front of the Notary and swear to the truthfulness of the document.

SUZIE: How romantic. It sounds like getting married. By the way, you have pretty blue eyes!

JACK: I do!!!

NOTARY: Sometimes a Notary will need credible witnesses to swear in a signer who doesn’t have an ID.

FRANK: Wait… credible what-nisses?

NOTARY: Witnesses

FRANK: Are you doing something criminal where there are witnesses? Do you have a witness protection program?

NOTARY: Honestly, you people are such a bunch of dumb-asses!!!

JACK: Ha ha ha… That’s what I think to. I’m around this type of behavior so much I don’t even notice it. It’s like being in the 8th grade perpetually, except in the 8th grade I didn’t understand the meaning of perpetual.

SUZIE: Yeah, neither did I. I thought a perpetual was a pervert.

NOTARY: They could be… Or they could be a perpetrator. Anyway…Now this is a Notary Journal. The signer has to sign the document as well as the Notary journal right here….

JACK: Woah… Can I sign?

SUZIE: Yeah, I wanna sign too!!!

FRANK: Aren’t you supposed to have a document being Notarized to sign this? Signing the journal is not just for fun. Let’s be serious. Oh wait… Is that the fee section? How much do you dudes get paid? I need a career when I get out of this joint.

NOTARY: Notaries now make $15 per signature. If you have ten signatures to notarize in an hour, you can give a discount or make up to $150.

JACK: Wow, I make $9.25 per hour, that’s like what I make in an hour in a half. I’m becoming a Notary. Can you be a felon and still become a Notary?

NOTARY: No..

JACK: Good, that will weed out the competition — cuz, like, I’m not a felon. I don’t even look like one.

NOTARY: Well that’s the main thing, isn’t it!

SUZIE: I had you so wrong. I love you Notary man! Oh… I’m going back home to write a song about blue eyed Notary man… How I dream of Notary man.

NOTARY: It was nice meeting you all. Here is my card in case you ever need a Notary, or in your case a date who is twice your age. But, as they say — age is just a number.

SUZIE: And Notary fees are just a number that will help when you take me out to a French Cafe called Le Jurat!

NOTARY: It’s a date. Don’t tell the Dean of students. He’ll crucify me.

SUZIE: If he does, we’ll riot and he knows that. He has his hands tied. This place is run by anarchists, not the Dean.

JACK: Yup!!!! And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

FRANK: Speak for yourself!

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September 1, 2017

The new travel ban on Notaries from 7 countries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:47 am

Constitutional or not, there has been a new travel ban on Notaries from seven countries.

El Salvador
Due to the cartel violence, Notaries are not allowed to travel to or from El Salvador, but Mexico is not on the list because the Zetas cartel bribed Washington.

Canada
A travel ban to Notaries going to Canada has also been enacted due to an incident where a Notary botched a notarization at a hockey game and then made a cheesy joke about how Canadians say, “It’s aboot time eh?”

Somalia
Somali Notaries were banned from going to Somalia because one was caught trying to spread Sharia law in Minnesota. But, refugees can still come here if they go via neighboring Kenya where there is also a growing refugee crisis.

Syria
Syria is on the list because too many Notaries complained that half of the ID’s they got from Syria were either falsified, or stolen. A simple thumbprint on the passport would solve a lot of this problem.

Israel (not included in the 7 banned by Washington)
Israel was also on the list because the head Rabbi didn’t want anyone flying on the Sabbath which is from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. So, to be on the safe side, they decided not to let Israeli Notaries fly to America period! But, this decision was made by Israel, and not by Washington and therefor cannot be counted in the seven.

Korea
Korean Notaries were also banned because a Korean Notary was on their way to an appointment in Jeremy’s neighborhood in Los Angeles, but driving the wrong way on a one-way road on a circular route around a water fountain in Park La Brea. Authorities have identified this lady as Park Chong-He (who is a she, not a he) who is now classified as a vehicular terrorist who would be better off Park(ed) rather than driving. No kidding, this happened yesterday afternoon.

Andorra
Andorra was on the list too not for typical reasons, but because authorities can’t find it on a map. It is allegedly a tiny city state scrunched between France and Spain, but the zoom feature on Google maps wasn’t working on their computer, so they decided to ban it anyway.

Belgium
Although not an Islamic country and not a country with an Islamic majority, it was banned as a safety precaution and to send a message to Belguim. Belgium is now known as a country that harbors terrorists and whose police force is too inept to identify and prosecute dangerous members of society. The police claim they are too busy and there are too many people on their suspect list. Meanwhile, after the deadly Paris attack done by Belgian residents, France insists on keeping an open border with Belgium. It reminds me of 2006 as I freely drove from country to country within Europe without so much as a welcome from anyone other than the Swiss authorities. The only thought that went through my head is that this openness is a huge hole in security and dangerous. It could lead to huge problems down the road — and it has in the last eleven years since my visit.

Meanwhile, the ban on Notaries was temporarily overturn by Supreme Court Judges as of January 2017. We’ll see if the ban on traveling Notaries gets put back into effect. The court overturned the executive order because it was discriminatory towards countries with weak police departments, towards countries that lacked common sense, and towards bad drivers and therefor deemed unconstitutional. So, now a newer draft of the travel ban is in the making.

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August 25, 2017

The 10 Notary Commandments

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:41 am

After Moses wandered the desert for forty years, he could be forgiven for being too tired to carry anything more than ten commandments. But there were ten additional ones we at 123Notary would like to pass on to you now. The notaries have been praying to the wrong god all these years. They thought the NNA was the notary God. But then 123notary published a blog stating that this was misinformation, and Jeremy at 123notary was the real notary God! But the Secretary of State wrote a certified letter to Jeremy stating they were the real Notary God, because they had the ability to create and destroy notary commissions.

Jeremy had this response after he sneezed… “Me bless me; And since there is only one of me, but 51 of you (one per state, plus D.C.), therefore I must be the Notary God, since there can only be one God. Plus I have a thunder and lightning machine in his basement I bring out of the closet for holidays. ”

On to the commandments…

1) You shall have no other notary Gods before me, unless you have a high placement on 123notary and are paid at least twelve months in advance.
2) You shall not make for yourself a carved image, unless it’s an image of your notary seal.
3) You shall not take the name of Jeremy in vain, even though Jeremy calling himself God is very vain.
4) Remember the Day of Rescission by keeping it holy. Today you shall labor and do your work, but on the third day, not including Sundays and federal holidays, it is a Day of Rescission that you offer to the Lord, Your God.
5) Honor your Secretary of State and County Clerk, so that you may live long in the land of the Notary Lord.
6) You shall not kill time unless you charge waiting time in advance.
7) You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor while under oath by a notary who advertises on 123notary, unless he has a free listing.
8) You shall not backdate. (Steal time)
9) You shall not covet your neighbor’s high-paying company clients.
10) You shall not add on a meaningless commandment just to end a notary blog.

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August 18, 2017

Mongolian Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:34 am

Mongolian Notary

I just saw an advertisement for a Mongolian Notary Public.

“Mongolian Notary Public. I travel to jails, hospitals and yurts.”

SAM: So, how is it being a mobile Notary in Mongolia?

MONGOLIAN GUY: Oh, the distances are huge. I had to drive 600 miles to a signing. Since there are no services we have to travel in pairs of two and both know how to repair vehicles, not to mention having a lot of spare parts.

SAM: Ouch. So, what else is unusual about your job?

MONGOLIAN GUY: It is customary for them to offer me yak milk at the signing. Otherwise they would be considered rude. Almost as rude as yacking over someone while they yack.

SAM: Maybe a few yak ribs with some yak milk to wash it down? Or Yak McRibs or a Big Yak.

MONGOLIAN GUY: And perhaps yak soup. It’s very fatty. Gotta survive the Mongolian winter.

SAM: What for? It’s the Mongolian winter. So, after you moved to West Virginia, what part of the state did you get your commission in?

MONGOLIAN GUY: There is a county called Monongalia County. I moved there so I wouldn’t get homesick. Then I found out the elevation was only 1000 feet, so I moved to Colorado. Too much oxygen doesn’t work for me. I need altitude. Either that, or I move to Bejing. There’s not too much oxygen there either.

SAM: Well, the way the economy is going these days we might all be living in yurts here soon as well.

MONGOLIAN GUY: You are preaching to the choir. By the way. Just call me Genghis!
SAM: Beats “Kahn Man.”

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