Humorous Posts Archives - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
123Notary

Notary Blog – Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice – 123notary.com Control Panel

May 19, 2017

Notary Hip Hop Song: Down With Venuetta Stampella

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:48 pm

This is a story ’bout a Notary named Sealmore
A brotha trying to make a living doing this Notary gig
He thought that if he passed NNA’s signing agent test
That he would make it in the industry and make it big

But what this dude didn’t get for real
Is that this stamping thing is a complicated deal
He wanted so bad to be a Notary affix-ionado
He would try anything to make his career surreal

Then he met a sista named Venuetta Stampella
The sista was fly he could not deny
She told him she would get with him if he got his act togetha
But, the brutha was in pieces and under the weatha

He couldn’t stand his failure
Did not know what to do
The sista insulted him and called him a foo
But, he wanted her bad and pursued to woo

SEALMORE: That guy you with ain’t nothing but a wimp
But, you can be my Notarial ho, and I’ll be your “beep” (censored)
VENUETTA: I ain’t gonna be your girl so forget it
Cuz your ego’s so big it’s like the good year blimp

Signer Signing, coming something finer
Do you acknowledge that you acknowledged this?
The rhymes is phat, especially on this jurat
But, there’s one species you can’t notarize even if you are a cool cat.

Now you know where this Notary gig is at.
One more thing — can I get a soul clap?

What Sealmore failed to understand is that Venuetta wasn’t interested in him. And to do well in the Notary business you need to get certified by 123notary, not some other agency, and advertize on 123notary.com.

Share
>

May 12, 2017

Indian Notaries having an arranged marriage

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:40 pm

In America, people date, get to know each other, get to know each other’s bodies, and then get married, have kids and then get divorced. The process makes sense to Americans. But, the order of steps is reversed in India. From an Indian point of view, you determine (the elders determine — not you) if the two people are suitable for each other in the long term. They look at caste, what the parents do, family values, level of education, personality, and last but not least they ask,

“May we see the girl walk? Please turn around, could you walk down the hallway once more?”

The sad truth is that what Indians call “love marriages” which is where two people fall in love and then get married — are happier the first several years; But, arranged marriages are happier in the long run. This of course depends highly on who arranged the marriage and based on what criteria.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Hello, we feel that your son Arvind would be a suitable match for our little Angeli.

MAHESH: Yes yes, I’m basically agreeing with you. After all, we are both from the Nair caste, the parents are Notaries, the children are Notaries, and when they have children, their children will be Notaries. None of us drink, smoke, or use any bad language other than uttering the word “Jurat.”

MADHAVI: Please, there are children here! Yes, I’m basically in agreement here. And our families have known each other since we were commissioned originally several decades ago it seems, so it is like we are already married in a sense.

ANGELI: Do I have any say in this? After all, it is I who will be married.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Stay out of this!

SUJATA AUNTY: May we see the girl walk? Oh, and we need to wrap up this whole marriage thing ASAP because chai will be ready in five minutes.

ANGELI: Don’t I need to sign something to get married like a marriage license or marriage agreement? Actually, I have it here on my iPhone — it is called an Affidavit of Nuptial and Matrimonial intent.

MAHESH: And we could get it notarized too! You’ll be signing your life away — literally. But, don’t worry, Arvind really brings home the bacon.

ANGELI: Please, we are Hindu and don’t eat bacon.

MADHAVI: That is just an expression. I think Angeli’s document idea is only for… well, you know. People of the same gender who want to…

ARVIND: I would like to call the marriage off because Angeli refused to like me on my Notary Facebook profile. Also, her moon is not rising in her astrological chart, and mine is — my astrologer says that will cause long term incompatibility.

MAHESH: Just as long as your Mars is in alignment, you will function together.

ARVIND: Mars is for working relationships, not for love. And we would need an acknowledged statement from the astrologer that her moon isn’t rising — or at least isn’t rising until her commission expires.

MAHESH: If you want your love to work, then love IS a working relationship.

ANGELI: Good point. So, how many minutes do we get to know each other before I take my Oath of Office as secretary of the interior and chief minister of chapatis?

SUJATA AUNTY: First of all — let’s leave LOVE out of this; And let us older folks handle this. We have been through more life than you have and know more about what can go right and wrong in a relationship. If you want your love to work, there needs to be a basic foundation of compatibility and similarity. So, Arvind, what types of Notarizations have you done?

ARVIND: Mostly Power of Attorney and banking documents. I did corporate documents for many MNC (nulti-national corporation) and BPO (business process outsourcing) for an NRI (non-resident Indian) from USA. A few loans and construction documents. Someone was building an ashram and the guru needed a loan.

SUJATA AUNTY: Oh, good good. That is very good. Since I’m Indian, I understand all of your acronyms. But, I heard that some of those banking documents were part of an outsourced package from America. Trump will put an end to this work coming to India.

MADHAVI AUNTY: You are right! Decreased work load for the next four years? The marriage is off!

ARVIND: But, we have known each other for a whole 10 minutes. I feel like we are married already! And my father is a millionaire, so we’ll be financially set in any case.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Oh. In that case, we’ll check bank records in the morning and sign the papers after chai.

ALL: It’s a deal

MAHESH: We’ll need notarized copies of the bank records too. What Notary procedure do we use in that case? Certified copy by document custodian or a Jurat where we swear to the authenticity of the copies?

SUJATA AUNTY: They are both the same thing under a different label. Both are just Jurats with sworn Oaths.

ANGELI: It’s my marriage after all which according to Bombay Notary law would be a joint marital commission. Once again, do I have any say in this matter?

ALL: No!!!!!

You might also like:

Notary Indian tandoori restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16497

The Notary Dating Show
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

Foreign Intrigue
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17107

Share
>

May 5, 2017

Inflatable NotaryInflatable Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:25 am

One lady was so attracted to Notaries! Every time she saw a Notary she said, “God, you are so sexy. You are the perfect man. I will call you Notary-Man.” Everytime a fireman went by, male model or body builder she would ignore them, but her eyes were glued to all of the Notaries. But, no Notary would date her to her dismay. Out of frustration she looked online to see if she could buy an inflatable Notary on Amazon or Ebay. No such luck. So, she created her own online store to sell inflatable Notaries. She produced 200 to keep in stock. Her only sale was for a children’s birthday party where the parents were Notaries. So, this lady’s house is filled with 199 Notaries.

I asked one of the Notaries if they could Notaries me with that seal they were holding. The lady asked, “Do you have ID?” I said, “No.” Then, I noticed the Notary doll deflating before my very eyes. They lady said, “I guess he feels deflated because you don’t have ID. Now, he can’t do his job!”

But, I claimed that he WAS doing his job by saying no! Then the lady said, “Okay, in that case, I’ll blow him up again!”

Share
>

April 28, 2017

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:18 am

A Notary went to see a Notary Psychic to learn how to do his job better and see what was in store for him. Here is what happened…

NOTARY: Hello. I want to know my future.

CLARA: Spoiler alert: You die.

NOTARY: My nearer future!

CLARA: I predict you are willing to pay $50 cash for this information.

NOTARY: Umm…. I’ll have to pay in you ones because I was planning on going to a strip club and then changed my mind at the last minute.

CLARA: Don’t expect me to give you a lap dance. I’ll reciprocate by stripping off the veil to your future.

NOTARY: Actually I think it’s more like a burka, but that’s fine. So, will I get many Notary clients?

CLARA: Hold on, I am looking into crystal ball. Actually I do not need ball for this one. You must to spend a few hundred to get top spot on 123notary in your local area plus have amazing notes section and many reviews from satisfied clients who tipped you with one dollar bills.

NOTARY: Okay, writing this down… Can you tell me what will happen to me this week?

CLARA: Okay, I use Notary tarot cards… Hold on… I must meditate on this. Okay… this first card has an upside down Notary seal. It indicates that something dubious will happen. Keep eyes open for fake ID from client, especially if he’s teenager asking you to buy him booze. Or is Russian client and I have many of those. But, if you have Russian client refer them to me — they spend mint on psychics.

NOTARY: Interesting. How did you get your name?

CLARA: I am Clara because I am Clara-Voyant.

NOTARY: I should have known. Then again, I’m not clairvoyant.

CLARA: I knew that. Now I get Notary Gypsy card. Notary Gypsy sees future and past, but cannot make sense of the present. This means you will be confused at present-day Notary job, who you did good work for in the past, but will give the client great advice for their future.

NOTARY: I had a client like that last week. As for my clients in the present, too confusing. What about next month?

CLARA: Let’s see. Oh… I got the commission expiration card. That means something in your career will end, but something new will begin. Maybe you’ll stop using SnapDocs and pass the 123notary certification test that you have been procrastinating about for the last several months.

NOTARY: Oh yeah, I keep procrastinating about meaning to do that. Can you look in your ball too?

CLARA: Yes. I think Coca-Cola stock will go up 2 points next week, but it’s not like I have a crystal ball… ooops, actually I do have a crystal ball — forgot! Okay, I am seeing an ancestor of yours who was a Notary in Slovakia. He wishes to guide you in your career. Ooops, it’s actually someone else’s ancestor. Damn this cheap crystal. That’s the last time I bid for a used crystal on ebay! Okay, I use my old crystal from Russia, it’s cracked, but Gypsies use it for generations. Just never mind crack on left. Okay! You will sign a Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: Duh, you don’t have to be a psychic to know that!

CLARA: I predicted you’d say that. You were a Notary in a past life in Japan. It’s the last time someone bowed to you… Wait… Wait… I’m seeing something else. You worked for the court of the emperor and pleased him. He made you to very high position. It is your destiny to rise to high position in this life too as a result of past life karma.

NOTARY: Oh! What kind of high position will I get?

CLARA: Hold on… I am seeing Attorneys… Yes… Attorneys with lots of money… and lots of power.. Wait a second, isn’t that what I just said. Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: No, you said Power of Attorney, but now you are saying Powerful Attorneys.

CLARA: What is difference?

NOTARY: Let me use your tarot card deck. Oh, what a surprise. I got the Notary card with a seal stamping a document that says, “It’s time to learn English, honey!”

Share
>

April 7, 2017

The Noterator

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:10 am

There was a sudden rash of bad Notaries in America and nobody knew what to do. But, at the Secretary of State’s office, they had the solution. Since there was no way to bust each bad Notary one by one, they created a machine that could sense a bad Notary a mile away and terminate him. This machine was called, the Noterator.

NOTERATOR: Did you back date that document?

NOTARY: No, I swear I didn’t.

NOTERATOR: Hasta la vista — baby. (boom!!!)

A group of Notaries near by saw what happened and decided to run. The Noterator caught up with them and told them not to make any more fraudulent notarizations otherwise they would be in trouble. But, this group of Notaries didn’t listen. Fraud was so embedded in their personalities they couldn’t help themselves. Two of the Notaries got involved in a scheme to cheat someone out of their house by falsifying a Grant Deed. The next thing they knew…

NOTERATOR: I’m back!!!

NOTARY #1: How did you find us?

NOTERATOR: I always find bad Notaries. I can small them.

NOTARY #2: So are you going to terminate us?

NOTERATOR: I can’t read the document because it’s not written in Austrian. Just kidding. You falsified a Deed of Trust and Grant Deed. You’re coming with me. The Noterator grabbed both Notaries by their collar and put them in Notary jail.

NOTARY #1: We might be in jail, but at least we are safe from the Noterator here.

NOTERATOR: You thought wrong! (boom!!!!!!)

In the end, Notary #1’s commission was not the only thing that expired. A word of advice. Don’t mess with the noterator!

Share
>

March 31, 2017

Secretary of State hacked by Russians!

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:06 am

Some of the Russian mischief-makers who allegedly hacked the election were fresh out of school and hacked the California Secretary of State’s Notary Division by accident, because their English not incredible good. These hackers deleted the files of a handful of prominent Notaries statewide making them “ghost Notaries.” Their commissions were real, but there were no database records anymore. Fortunately, the Sec of State keeps backup records in paper for every Notary in the state, so with much labor, they were able to recreate their records.

On a more humorous note, Hillary Trump became a commissioned California Notary when she is not even a resident here. Considering California gave her a huge popular vote win, she thought it was the least she could do, then realized deleting her acknowledgment certificates was the least she could do. Ivanka Trump became an eNotary due to the hacking attack. She was sorry the Russians didn’t hack off the “k” in her name while they were at it, but has learned to live with a weird one like “Ivanka.” If you call living in tacky gold overpriced real estate “living.” And Vladimir Putin got the control panels to approve residents with felonies to get commissioned as Notaries in exchange for some spying favors — and only if they say he looks buff with his shirt off riding a horse . What started out as a failed hacking attempt became a travesty of justice!

The official new rates for California Notarizations are:

Acknowledgments — 1 pint of vodka
Jurats — 2 pints, but you have to swear that it’s the best vodka in town.
Sworn Oaths — Just swear you can walk in a straight line — or sign in a straight line.
Depositions — You can’t drink in court, so we’ll stick to the $20, but payable in the equivalent amount of rubles.

Even the titles of common documents were renamed
Deed of Mistrust
Affidavit of non-Compliance
The Note
The Right to make people think you canceled
The affidavit of alleged shortage of available capital.

Additionally, the Russians thought they would help Trump by fraudulently changing the venue for the Great Wall of China to be on the U.S. / Mexico border and make Mexico pay for it.

That’s all for tonight. And remember that it is hip to be Red Square.

Share
>

March 17, 2017

A guy dressed up as a Notary for Halloween

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:57 am

A guy dressed up as a Notary Seal kept saying, “Trick or Treat.” He went around stamping everything. Then he bumped into someone dressed up as a Signing Company who was also saying, “Trick or Treat.” The Notarygave the signing company his seal impression on some fake loan documents.

The signing company impersonator said — trick!
The Notary asked what the trick was.
The signing company said — we’re not paying you

So, the Notary got even and smeared edible chocolate ink all over the signing company impersonator’s outfit and said — treat!

So, the Notary got even. If that Notary impersonator had been a little smarter, he would have looked up the signing company on 123notary’s list of signing companies i-phone page www.123notary.com/s and said — I can’t take that job! However, this fake Notary had a handheld printer and queried 123notary’s resource page to find our demand letter from hell (very appropriate type of letter for halloween.) He gave the signing company a demand letter. The signing company gave him a threatening letter from someone dressed up as an Attorney (with blood coming out of his left eye.)

Finally the Notary said — you people will be a pain in my rear for the rest of my life — if I should live so long! Happy Halloween!!!!

Share
>

March 10, 2017

What’s your sign? Notary horoscopes…

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 6:55 am

Capricorn
Today’s a good day to apply for your renewed Notary commission. Don’t wait until the last minute or you’ll experience a lapse in your term(s) as well as in your judgement, and you’ll come across as Capri-corny.

Aquarius
Tonight around 7pm will be an ideal time to renew your listing on 123notary.com. Go for the highest level listing no matter what it costs. The planets are with you and will enhance your ROI on whatever you buy from 123notary this evening. Avoid interactions with unicorns until 8am tomorrow or until a Mexican Trump supporter is spotted in your neighborhood.

Pisces
Today is an auspicious day to re-ink your stamp. Don’t fish around searching for any old cheap ink. Buy the top notch stuff the NNA sells if you want to make a good impression.

Aries
Sign up with some new signing companies, but watch your step and don’t be an Aries-head. Trouble could lie ahead if you don’t background check those companies first on the 123notary list of signing companies with reviews.

Taurus
If you want to bully some signing companies into paying you, just use the 123notary demand letter from hell on our resource page. But, do so before the cusp of Orion which will happen after midnight.

Gemini
Today is a day you should make sure your signatures are genuine, not Gemini. And one of our customers calls me Gemini. It’s not Gemini — it’s Jeremy!

Cancer
Today is the best day to backdate and not get caught as long as the moon is in Scorpio. But, watch out, because at 1am (which is tomorrow assuming you don’t backdate) it will exit Scorpio and go into its new phase called Stage 4.

Leo
Take a nap between signings today so you don’t get too overwhelmed. And don’t swallow your pride otherwise you’ll have no family. Roar at people who don’t pay you – that’s the mane thing.

Virgo
Take the day off because the way the planets are configured, you’ll get stuck in traffic and probably won’t get paid either — unless your name is Jane the Virgo.

Libra
Brush up on your new 123notary certification course. You’ll need it to compete with all of the other smart Notaries in your area. Besides, being certified a very Libra-ating experince.

Scorpio
Identify your signers a little more carefully today because you are destined to meet a fraud who specializes in identity fraud which would mean that you would get stung instead of vice versa which is the way it is supposed to be.

Sagittarius
If you are a Real Estate investor with 12 houses. Expect trouble if Leo is in your 11th house. On the other hand, since you are the happiest sign in the zodiac, celebrate by going to the happiest place on earth — Notary Disneyworld!

And more thing — don’t forget to have your sign notarized!

Share
>

February 24, 2017

Notary with Tourettes Syndrome

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:52 am

NOTARY: Do you swear under Oath?

SIGNER: I do

NOTARY: Well you should hear me swear under Oath. I swear whether I’m under a &%?-ing Oath or not.

SIGNER: So, what do I sign first?

NOTARY: Go to hell — here!

SIGNER: I’m signing this Affidavit that I swore to.

NOTARY: Have sex — that’s perfect!

SIGNER: I’m very fond of this document.

NOTARY: Fondle it!

SIGNER: My wife made me sign this.

NOTARY: Kill her. I’ll kill her!

SIGNER: That’s one way of solving my marital problems.

NOTARY: Having sex is another.

SIGNER: Just as long as it’s not with another.

NOTARY: So, what’s the next document — pervert!

SIGNER: My next document is a civil action.

NOTARY: There’s nothing civil about your two middle fingers.

SIGNER: Leave my fingers out of this.

NOTARY: Okay — have sex without fingers.

SIGNER: In that case I won’t be able to provide a digital signature.

NOTARY: I think we all know what I’m going to say next and where this is going.

SIGNER: You mean digital sex?

NOTARY: I’m rubbing off on you.

SIGNER: Kill a Notary

NOTARY: Am I that bad?

SIGNER: Go to hell. But, I’m an athiest and don’t believe in hell.

NOTARY: (Sneezes)

SIGNER: Nobody bless you!

NOTARY: Why Nobody?

SIGNER: Because I don’t believe in God or blessings. So I give non-blessings.

NOTARY: Okay, then go to non-hell.

Share
>

February 3, 2017

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 9:04 pm

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Getting paid is serious business. But in this blog, we’re going “goofy.”

REVERSE MORTGAGES

Segagtrom. So much for literally reversing “mortgages.” In the reverse mortgage I’ll be referring to here, you get paid before you do the signing. If they don’t pay you ahead of time, charge 150 bucks. If they don’t pay you that, reverse the charges on the UPS. You can also drive in reverse to the signing. Unless you happen to be in a parking lot, in which case backing up causes serious tire damage. I can back that up in a notarized statement.

INSPECTIONS

When you inspect a house by taking photos, if it’s cheesy looking, tell it to smile and say cheese. If there are lines from broken plaster on the wall they don’t want you to shoot, charge them extra to Photoshop the lines out. Charge twenty to thirty dollars for inspection, unless the photos need touchup. When you visit their restroom and inspect their medicine cabinet, charge them a snooping fee.

REFINANCING

When getting signatures for mortgage signings, charge them a
re-re-re-re-re-refinancing fee if the signer stutters.

EDOCS OR DOCUMENTS

Ink is to a printer what cocaine is to a dealer. The first sample is free, and then they have you hooked on a very expensive habit. So be sure to charge accordingly for depleting your ink supply as you type out documents. Make sure they don’t pay you with money they printed out on their printers. Although the ink would probably be worth more than the money.

TRAVEL FEE FOR MOBILE NOTARIES

It’s been years since doctors made house calls. If you’re making a house call to notarize something, you better make sure you’re compensated for such service. Some charge by the mile, some charge by the amount of time to get there. As for the comedic price list, charge them like Dominos Pizza. They’ll get a free signing if you don’t arrive within thirty minutes or less. And when you do arrive, make sure you act extra cheesy. And top it off with an extra signature. If the signing is late at night, charge them a surcharge. If they treat you with disrespect, charge them a you-forgot-to-call-me “sir” charge.

LATE FEES

If they’re not ready for you when you arrive for the signing, charge them a late fee. If they’re not ready for you when you arrive because they’re dead, charge the next-of-kin a late, late fee. If it’s so late that it’s technically the wee hours of the morning, charge them an early fee. If they can’t pay you till tomorrow, charge them a late fee for the early fee. If they can’t pay you till after the both of you sit down and finish watching an old movie on TV, charge them a late, late show late fee for the early fee.

WAITING FEES

The more you wait to be paid, the more you charge them. If you wait till hell freezes over, charge them a waiting/defrosting fee. You’re like a taxi stuck in park with the meter running. If they haven’t reached the destination yet but they’re still your client, that will cost them. That should give you a lift. (Or for the cabbie and Uber haters out there, “Lyft”)

Share
>
Older Posts »