It is common for Notaries to meet signers at cafes. But, what is the etiquette for who pays for the coffee? Or does only one party purchase a drink so the cafe can allow them to stay there? Does the drink go on a chair or the same table with the critical documents?

This question sounds more like a Seinfeld dilemma than anything else. Since the signer is paying the notary for the notarization, it’s the least the notary can do to buy a piece of bundt cake for the client. On the other hand, if the Notary has to bill to get paid, and is billing a third party, then neither party should have to pay for the coffee. But, what if the signer wants a palpation but forgot his walled. But, then how will he have his ID for the notarization? Wow, this is really complicated stuff!

NOTARY: You should pay for the almond croissant because I’m the Notary. It’s like a courtesy for my hard work.

SIGNER: Yes, but I am the client, and it is customary to take your clients out to eat and pay.

NOTARY: You’re paying cash right?

SIGNER: Yes. Small unmarked bills to be precise.

NOTARY: Are you going to wash your hands for 20 seconds before you handle those bills? I don’t want the Coronavirus.

WOMAN: I think the man should pay.

NOTARY: Obviously not a feminist.

WOMAN: I am when it doesn’t involved someone paying for me. You see, I’m what you call an opportunistic feminist. Equal rights, but not so equal on the responsibilities.

SIGNER: Honesty is so sexy. I like you!

WOMAN: Thanks, I’m single

NOTARY: I think I see why.

WOMAN: Yeah, but at least I’m not paying alimony and child support and having my kids taken away from me by legal force. It could be worse. You know what. You guys are so much fun, I’ll pay for your frappachino.

CLERK: Sorry, we are all out of coffee.

NOTARY: But, this is a cafe. Your whole business revolves around coffee.

CLERK: Sorry. But, we have those dark chocolate covered graham crackers. They’re really good.

SIGNER: I’ll just get a soda. I don’t drink coffee after 2pm anyway.

WOMAN: Nice to meet you guys.

NOTARY: Here’s my card. I do notarizations, weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

Once upon a time there was a lonely Notary. He wanted to talk to everyone, but nobody wanted to talk to him. So, he resorted to talking to animals, stray cats, little chihuahuas, birds, squirrels, and bar tenders. He went to all the NNA conventions, but nobody there would talk to him longer than a few seconds to engage in pleasantries. His only acquaintances were bar tenders that humored him with a little conversation before they walked off in the middle of his sentences to get a drink or wash something.

He liked being a notary because at loan signings, the signers were forced to talk to him. Sometimes they actually liked talking to him. Other people were not so nice. Once some stuck up girls were ignoring the lonely Notary. So, the notary insulted them. They got offended and started arguing with him. The Notary said, “At least I got you to talk to me — I’m so lonely.”

The lonely Notary soon found out that people at old age homes like to talk a lot — a really lot. So, he spent an hour at an old age home. He liked the fact that people wanted to talk to him. But, the problem is that most of them didn’t listen. They just talked right over him. And then others were so hard of hearing that they couldn’t listen.

The Lonely Notary was so upset with modern American culture and how unfriendly it is, that he decided to move to Africa. Life was cheap over there and everyone wanted to talk to him because Africans are more of a talkative people. At first he went to the wrong country and they spoke French only. His French was mediocre, plus understanding their weird sounding accent in French was too much. So, then he moved to another area. But, too many tribal languages were being spoken, plus the tribal make up (the little dots on their faces) were a little odd for our American friend. Finally, he made it to an English speaking place.

Once he arrived, his new friends taught him how to do an African laugh. You need to inhale a lot, open your mouth wide, and do a “ha ha ha haaaaaaa” with an elongated last “ha” all in a very deep voice.

So, our American friend enjoyed his new life in Africa, made many friends and lived happily ever after until he got some rare tropical disease that no doctor had ever heard of and died. But, he died happy. And upon his death, his last words were, “Ha ha ha ha haaaaa.”

Some us us don’t like dogs. And some of us like dog owners even less. Many dog owners love their dogs and can’t understand that the rest of the world doesn’t like their slobbering friend licking them, or their little white fluffy dog sniffing their toes. Then there are the ferocious dogs that growl in a petrifying manner to which the owner says, “oh… he’s friendly.”

Just because your dog is allegedly “friendly” doesn’t prove he won’t bite. There is a first time for everything. It also doesn’t meant that I’m friendly — because I’m not, unless you are a well behaved organism.

ME: Hey, keep him away from me.

DOG OWNER: Oh, he’s friendly.

ME: I didn’t give your “friendly” dog permission to molest me.

DOG OWNER: Oh, are you afraid of dogs?

ME: I didn’t say I’m afraid, I just don’t like being assaulted by weapons of mass slobber-struction.

DOG OWNER: He won’t hurt you

ME: I’ll come back with my mentally ill younger brother and he will molest your wife, daughter and other females in your family. And when you complain and look aghast, I’ll say — “Oh, he’s friendly.”

DOG OWNER: You jerk!

ME: See how you like it when you are on the receiving end buck-o!

So, what I recommend is to call ahead and make sure that if they have dogs, that the dogs are behind a locked door. In my experience, dog owners are by definition extremely careless and rarely think about the legal implications of being sued for their pooch biting someone. They are also intrinsically careless about being considerate to those who don’t share their love of dogs.

It is common for the dog behind a “locked” door to mysteriously escape from the locked compartment and start bothering you or scaring the hell out of you. It might be hard core, but you could threaten to leave the minute you see a dog not separated from you by a locked door. Let them know you are serious in a polite way.

Dealing with dogs is no joke. One time a signer came to the door with a loaded gun drawn because there was a pitt bull running around the neighborhood. The notary was afraid, but the gun was to protect them from the dog and not to mug the notary. It’s not a bad idea to bring pepper spray either because the dog owners often will not protect you at all from their crazy and disturbing pets.

Remember – dogs and cats are a reflection of the character of the owner. If the owner is deranged, so will their dogs be.

Growing up, my father drove people crazy by slowly reading every part of long contracts while they had to sit and wait. I agree with him that reading contracts is essential. But, exasperating others is not nice. I think it is my karma being the son of a copious reader (that is his hobby by the way) to have signers who are just as bad (or diligent and good) as dad.

During my career, roughly half of my borrowers read too much. My average signing took a little more than an hour. I dealt with it. I was not too concerned unless they were delaying me from getting to another job. But, now that I am older, and value my time more, I realize this is no good. Three hour signings cannot happen.

You need a strategy for how you are going to deal with this. Here are some ideas. Put in the comments if you have other ideas.

1. During the confirmation call, let them know you are offering them “x” amount of minutes for the signing. I would offer more time to those paying you well to make sure you get rehired. For cheap signings, perhaps offer 45 minutes. Keep in mind that if they go over, you need to offer some leeway to avoid social friction (and getting fired). For signings that pay big bucks, you might allow up to two hours just to be nice. But, still emphasize that there is a limit. My personal experience was that the more I was paid, the faster the signing was. My worst client was a Lender whose borrowers always had to call him and ask painstakingly long questions on my time. The average phone call was 45 minutes which I had to sit through.

2. If you don’t give them a summary of your time offering before the signing, you can spring it on them at the signing. You explain that this is a signing appointment and not a reading appointment. You can explain that they have borrowers copies to read for the next 72 hours if this is a refinance for a primary residence, and that they can cancel after the fact. Explain that you have other appointments and have to leave in “x” amount of minutes whether the loan is signed or not out of courtesy for your subsequent appointments.

Having time limits might get you fired, not paid, or in trouble. But, if you want to make money as a signing agent, you need to book lots of appointments and nail them one by one. Or, you need to have two high paying jobs per day. 2 x $200 = $400 and $400 per day is a living — not a great living, but a living. If you make $80 per signing, you need to do at least five per day to get paid well and that means hustling and moving fast, especially at night when they might be back to back.

In the worst scenario, you might have to take the main copies signed or unsigned, put them in the Fedex and send them back. You can explain to the company that you ran out of time and that next time the Lender should explain the documents better to the signer AHEAD OF TIME otherwise they end up taking your time when you don’t have time. It is not a matter of what your time is worth — if you have another client waiting, it is an abuse of that other client’s time if you are late for any reason.

Please comment if you have better ideas, because this blog article is about playing rough which is not considered nice, but is the only way to get good income per hour spent. Otherwise you might get taken for a ride regularly.