George’s parents (of all people, parents who constantly bicker with one another) are renewing their vows. George wants a notary to witness their vows in writing…

The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary aka Sign-Feld

GEORGE: Get this. My parents are renewing their vows.

JERRY: Frank and Estelle? (off George’s nod) The vows to argue with each other till death do they part?

GEORGE: What makes you think death’ll stop them? You think the Grim Reaper’s grim now?
Wait’ll he meets the “ungrateful dead”.

JERRY: Renewing their vows. It’s kinda sweet actually.

GEORGE: Remember that notary Kramer hired to authenticate the picture of Jesus on a piece of toast?

JERRY: The guy who swore it was Johnny Depp.

GEORGE: I still say it was Colin Farrell. I need Kramer to throw me his name. I may hire him.

JERRY: Looked more like Uncle Sam to me.

GEORGE: No way was that Uncle Sam.

JERRY: So why are you hiring a guy who worships Johnny Depp? Wouldn’t it make more sense if you were Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: I want him to authenticate the vows. If he can corroborate…

JERRY: Attest?

GEORGE: That’s right. If he can affirm the vows to be genuine, maybe then the loony birds will have to live by them for a change!

JERRY: Unless their vows are to continue not living by them.

Kramer enters.

KRAMER: Guess who’s the new errors and insurance salesman? You’re lookin’ at him!

JERRY: What makes you an errors and insurance expert? Although I admit your expertise when it comes to ensuring you make errors is second to none.

KRAMER: Remember that notary I hired?

JERRY: The one who saw Johnny Depp in a piece of toast?

KRAMER: It was Jesus, Jerry! Anybody with half a brain could tell you that!

JERRY: You’re right, you just did.

GEORGE: What was his name, Kramer? I need to hire a notary.

JERRY: Why do you want to hire a notary who doesn’t know Jesus from Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: Or Colin Farrell! He got it wrong. Maybe he’s cheaper.

KRAMER: (offering) Here’s his business card. Come on, George. Don’t you think Colin Farrell has better things to do than pop up on a piece of toast?

GEORGE: Jesus doesn’t??

KRAMER: Jesus works in mysterious ways.

GEORGE: Do does Farrell. He doesn’t even do talk shows.

KRAMER: Jesus doesn’t even do Charlie Rose!

JERRY: Will you two knock it off?

KRAMER: I’m suing the guy for affirming it was Depp over Jesus. And now I can also sell him an errors and insurance policy that’ll absorb his liabilities for an honest mistake.

JERRY: If it was an honest mistake, isn’t suing him a little dishonest?

KRAMER: I’m Cosmos, not Jesus.

GEORGE: What kind of liabilities?

KRAMER: The difference between the cost of a certifiable Johnny Depp piece of toast on eBay versus a certifiable Jesus piece of toast on eBay. You do the math!

Elaine enters, munching on a piece of toast.

ELAINE: That’s it. I am done. He’s gettin’ a Dear John text.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: The teeth picker.

JERRY: Can’t you at least give him some floss first?

ELAINE: Floss. Toothpicks. Sucking between my teeth. The guy can’t take a hint.

GEORGE: Are you officially breaking up with the teeth picker?

ELAINE: The man is (displaying the last of what she’s munching on) toast.

KRAMER: (Eyeing toast) Is that who I think it is?

JERRY: Here we go.

GEORGE: If he’s so bad at picking up on hints and you want him to get the message you’re dumping him, don’t text him. Write him a Dear John letter on paper that a notary witnesses. So he can corroborate it.

ELAINE: Attest?

GEORGE: Yes! Affirm to be correct, true or genuine.

ELAINE: Since when are you the notary expert?

GEORGE: When I was a kid, I had a dream about being a notary. Other kids were dreaming about naked women. I was dreaming about squeezing embossers. Your own seal. Administering oaths. It’s a very respectable line of work when you think about it.

JERRY: So why didn’t you ever take it up?

GEORGE: Since when am I respectable?

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal
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Modern Family: An Affidavit of Citizenship & Affidavit of Domicile Notarized.
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Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
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