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July 20, 2014

The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary

George’s parents (of all people, parents who constantly bicker with one another) are renewing their vows. George wants a notary to witness their vows in writing…

The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary aka Sign-Feld

GEORGE: Get this. My parents are renewing their vows.

JERRY: Frank and Estelle? (off George’s nod) The vows to argue with each other till death do they part?

GEORGE: What makes you think death’ll stop them? You think the Grim Reaper’s grim now?
Wait’ll he meets the “ungrateful dead”.

JERRY: Renewing their vows. It’s kinda sweet actually.

GEORGE: Remember that notary Kramer hired to authenticate the picture of Jesus on a piece of toast?

JERRY: The guy who swore it was Johnny Depp.

GEORGE: I still say it was Colin Farrell. I need Kramer to throw me his name. I may hire him.

JERRY: Looked more like Uncle Sam to me.

GEORGE: No way was that Uncle Sam.

JERRY: So why are you hiring a guy who worships Johnny Depp? Wouldn’t it make more sense if you were Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: I want him to authenticate the vows. If he can corroborate…

JERRY: Attest?

GEORGE: That’s right. If he can affirm the vows to be genuine, maybe then the loony birds will have to live by them for a change!

JERRY: Unless their vows are to continue not living by them.

Kramer enters.

KRAMER: Guess who’s the new errors and insurance salesman? You’re lookin’ at him!

JERRY: What makes you an errors and insurance expert? Although I admit your expertise when it comes to ensuring you make errors is second to none.

KRAMER: Remember that notary I hired?

JERRY: The one who saw Johnny Depp in a piece of toast?

KRAMER: It was Jesus, Jerry! Anybody with half a brain could tell you that!

JERRY: You’re right, you just did.

GEORGE: What was his name, Kramer? I need to hire a notary.

JERRY: Why do you want to hire a notary who doesn’t know Jesus from Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: Or Colin Farrell! He got it wrong. Maybe he’s cheaper.

KRAMER: (offering) Here’s his business card. Come on, George. Don’t you think Colin Farrell has better things to do than pop up on a piece of toast?

GEORGE: Jesus doesn’t??

KRAMER: Jesus works in mysterious ways.

GEORGE: Do does Farrell. He doesn’t even do talk shows.

KRAMER: Jesus doesn’t even do Charlie Rose!

JERRY: Will you two knock it off?

KRAMER: I’m suing the guy for affirming it was Depp over Jesus. And now I can also sell him an errors and insurance policy that’ll absorb his liabilities for an honest mistake.

JERRY: If it was an honest mistake, isn’t suing him a little dishonest?

KRAMER: I’m Cosmos, not Jesus.

GEORGE: What kind of liabilities?

KRAMER: The difference between the cost of a certifiable Johnny Depp piece of toast on eBay versus a certifiable Jesus piece of toast on eBay. You do the math!

Elaine enters, munching on a piece of toast.

ELAINE: That’s it. I am done. He’s gettin’ a Dear John text.


ELAINE: The teeth picker.

JERRY: Can’t you at least give him some floss first?

ELAINE: Floss. Toothpicks. Sucking between my teeth. The guy can’t take a hint.

GEORGE: Are you officially breaking up with the teeth picker?

ELAINE: The man is (displaying the last of what she’s munching on) toast.

KRAMER: (Eyeing toast) Is that who I think it is?

JERRY: Here we go.

GEORGE: If he’s so bad at picking up on hints and you want him to get the message you’re dumping him, don’t text him. Write him a Dear John letter on paper that a notary witnesses. So he can corroborate it.

ELAINE: Attest?

GEORGE: Yes! Affirm to be correct, true or genuine.

ELAINE: Since when are you the notary expert?

GEORGE: When I was a kid, I had a dream about being a notary. Other kids were dreaming about naked women. I was dreaming about squeezing embossers. Your own seal. Administering oaths. It’s a very respectable line of work when you think about it.

JERRY: So why didn’t you ever take it up?

GEORGE: Since when am I respectable?



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Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal

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Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer


January 28, 2011

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal

Frank & Estelle: George’s parents get a notarized vow renewal.

FRANK: It says here that a Notary can perform a Wedding and that such a Notary licensed to do such an act is referred to as a Wedding Officient.

ESTELLE: Read the fine print where it says that Notary’s can only perform such act in Maine, South Carolina and Florida.

GEORGE: Don’t you guys have a condo you can stay at down in Florida? You could have it done there.

FRANK: We’re not going all the way down to Florida now. We are just getting a vow renewal notarized. Anyone can do that. It is just a glorified Oath.

GEORGE: What’s the point? You’re happily married. You nag each other about everything. What could be better? I would say, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?

ESTELLE: It’s for sentimental reasons. We can get all dressed up in our wedding outfits, appear before a Notary, and state our vows again. How romantic.

GEORGE: (mumbling something) Sounds… great… I guess.

(back in the city)

KRAMER: You’re never going to believe this. I’m getting a second job as a riding instructor! It’s a great way to meet women. I never knew how much women loved horses until I went to this ranch. Gidde up!

GEORGE: Second job? What’s your first job? Since when do you work?

KRAMER: I’m a pastry taster. I’m a trained connoisseur. They call me the sommelier of pastry in the Village.

JERRY: (Rolling his eyes around.) Well, if they pay you… So, George, what’s new with you?

GEORGE: My parents.

JERRY: Oh… (unenthusiastically) What about them?

GEORGE: They’re getting this vow renewal thing done. I don’t really understand what it’s about. I referred them to this guy I know who is a Notary who can do the job.

KRAMER: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’d like to have that done too — if I were married. I’d do it every year!

JERRY: I don’t understand what the big deal is about. But, if they want it, they want it.

(back in the parent’s home)

NOTARY: May I see the document and your ID please?

FRANK: We don’t have a document.

NOTARY: You dragged me all the way out here without a document?

GEORGE: The document dad, you’ve gotta have a document. You told me you would write one up.

ESTELLE: Well, we didn’t think over what we were going to say. We were spending too much time on our outfits. How do we look? Does this dress make me look fat?

GEORGE: No, not a bit mom.

NOTARY: Well, you’ve gotta have a document, or at least some wording that I can perform an Oath on.

FRANK: You mean we invited twelve of our closest friends, spent 98 dollars and 12 cents on hors d’ouvres, and we can’t get notarized without a document?

GEORGE: You gotta have a document. And preferably current identification too.

ESTELLE: I don’t need identification. I don’t drive.

NOTARY: This is going to be a long day. I charge a travel fee plus waiting time you know.

FRANK: And we owe him this too. We — are unprepared!

ESTELLE: I guess your training in the army has worn off.

FRANK: You can say that again!

GEORGE: Well, why don’t we just write a little something up now. Do you have any paper?

FRANK: I have this expensive party napkin your mother forced me to buy at the party store. Each one cost 77 cents if I calculate correctly.

GEORGE: Well, then it will be a very expensive Oath. Better yet, let me call Kramer… (ring ring)

KRAMER: You need a wedding vow renewal Oath? Just look one up on Google. They have tons of them there. Whoa horsy.

GEORGE: You’re talking on the phone while you’re riding?

KRAMER: There’s no law against it. You should just avoid texting while galloping. They have a thing about that over here on the ranch.

GEORGE: You just be careful. And could you bring us over some leftover pastries while you’re at your 1st job?

KRAMER: You got it.

FRANK: This vow you printed out is perfect.

ESTELLE: I’ll start.

Good evening everyone. All of you look terrific. My name is Estelle, and before me is a New York State Notary Public, but not a wedding officiant. We gather here to renew our life-cycle celebrant. It is my honor to be present at this vow renewal. Before we begin, please make sure to turn your phone ringers on full blast, so if someone’s phone rings, we know who to blame. Please rise.

One of the wonderful things about vow renewals is that they also serve as a multi-family reunion. Let us honor the parents in this event… Unfortunately, they couldn’t make it. Let us honor the children in this event.

Now, Groom and Groom, I now ask that we read this excerpt from Plato’s symposium… Groom and Groom? Georgie.. where did you get this script from?

GEORGE: The internet mom. I thought we were in a hurry, so I got the first script I could get my hands on.

FRANK: No problem, just have the Notary read it, and where it says Groom and Groom, change it to Bride and Groom, or Groom and Bridge. Whichever he likes better.

(10 minutes later)

NOTARY: Please raise your right hands — So, do you Frank take Estelle as your renewed Bride, and to honor her and cherish her forever and ever and ever, so long as you shall both live?

FRANK: Even into the afterlife — if there is one.

NOTARY: And do you Estelle, take Frank as your renewed Groom, and will honor, cherish, obey, and love him so long as you both shall life?

ESTELLE: I do, but he is supposed to obey me, and I’m not so sure about all of this afterlife mumbo-jumbo.

NOTARY: I now pronounce you renewed husband and wife. You may kiss the other Groom… I mean the Bride. Boy, this script keeps you on your toes!

ESTELLE: Now, it’s cake time! We had our cake made to look like a Jurat. Guess what piece you are getting Mr. Notary?


ESTELLE: You get the Venue!

NOTARY: Oh… It’s wonderful, but I think the county is Queens here not New York.

ESTELLE: Once you’ve had a few shots of rum, you won’t know the difference. Drink up!


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Seinfeld — George needs a Notary

The Seinfeld episode about a Notary


January 19, 2011

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career

The Opposite (How George Costanza changed his life and notary career.)

Speaking of the opposite, Seinfeld’s George changed his life and career around in the much remembered and loved episode, “The Opposite,” by doing just that: The opposite. If you don’t want to be unemployed and living with your parents, you need to start really nailing your notary and signing agent knowledge, not to mention your communication and following direction skills. Do you follow me?

George Costanza, the notary, is doing everything wrong.

GEORGE: It’s not working, Jerry.

JERRY: What’s not working?

GEORGE: I’m trying to charge too much, and settling for too little! I’ve been advertising on one of those other notary sites that do nothing to move my business forward. I haven’t been studying enough for my certification test. I haven’t even cracked a book.

JERRY: I’d be more impressed if you read one. So here’s your chance to do the opposite. If you work harder, get more experience, you’ll be able to charge what you’re worth! And advertise on

GEORGE: And the heck with my paid listing with Notary Rotary and a free listing with no certification on I’m gonna do the opposite!

JERRY: If you aren’t certified, do the opposite. Go to elite certification!

GEORGE: Does being a certified lunatic count?

JERRY: Nope. The opposite.

GEORGE: I will do the opposite! I’ll know my terminology. I’ll have more buzzwords than a beekeeper. I’ll know my documents.

JERRY: Other than the pages that say “this space intentionally left blank”?

GEORGE: If it was really intentionally left blank, they wouldn’t fill it up with words that say “this space intentionally left blank.”

JERRY: Good point.

GEORGE: Look at me, Jerry. You’re telling me I made a good point! It’s already working! I’ll finally know what I’m doing and won’t just wing it!

JERRY: Good! Not knowing what you’re doing and just winging it never got anybody anywhere. Unless you’re Donald Trump or work for Wingstop.

George should go from not reading any notary materials to reading all of them. Even change the people he’s dating. From dating no-notaries (who, after he broke up with them, swore but never under oath) to dating notaries! As for the former, they were office shredders. The opposite of those who keep records! At least he’s dating the opposite sex. So he’s on the right track, unless you prefer the opposite of the opposite, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Instead of certifying a copy of a vital record, George does the opposite and obtains it from the agency that holds the original vital record. Instead of not getting paid for travel time, George does the opposite… and doesn’t get paid for sitting on his ass. Meaning if you want to get paid, don’t sit on yours! Are you not done reading this? Do the opposite!

You might also like:

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal

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January 14, 2011

Seinfeld — George Needs a Notary

George is visiting his folks.

ESTELLE: Georgie, your father and I have a surprise for you.


FRANK: Your mother and I are gonna renew our vows.

GEORGE: Renew your vows? The vows you recited at your wedding? I’ve got news for you. Whatever they were, they didn’t take.

ESTELLE: Don’t get smart with us, Georgie! Your father and I want to renew the love we have for each other! And you’re giving me away.

George reacts.

Then at the coffee shop with Jerry:

JERRY: Giving her away? You should be thrilled. Just as long as you don’t have to take her back.

GEORGE: They’re throwing a ceremony. The whole kit and caboodle.

JERRY: Notice it’s never half a kit and caboodle?

GEORGE: (annoyed) Yeah. I’ve noticed. Oh and get this – Kramer’s my father’s Best Man.

JERRY: He’s never been the best anything.

GEORGE: My folks are renewing their vows. And Ellen, who is again dumping me, keeps renewing her vow never to see me again.

Kramer enters and joins them.

GEORGE: How come you’re the Best Man?

KRAMER: I think that goes without saying.

GEORGE: This whole thing’s a joke. They’ve been at each other’s throats for forty years. How can renewing their vows change anything?

KRAMER: I’ll tell you what you should do. Bring a notary to the ceremony and have him certify the vows. That way, they’ll have to abide by them or they can be locked up for perjury.

GEORGE: (a beat) Kramer, that’s a brilliant idea.

JERRY: Careful. You could be locked up for perjury.

GEORGE: No, don’t you see? Either they’ll have to love and obey each other, and stop their incessant yelling, or they’ll be thrown in jail. Either way – I win!

Later at the renewal ceremony…

KRAMER: (to Estelle) Just look at you. You’re the picture of relative youth!

ESTELLE: Relative?

KRAMER: No, I’m just the best man, but I feel like family.

GEORGE: Where’s the notary? This has disaster written all over it, I just know it.

JERRY: Relax. You’re not losing a mother, you’re losing your mind.

NOTARY: Sorry I’m late. Half-way here, I remembered I forgot my seal.

GEORGE: You remembered you forgot your seal?

JERRY: He remembered. And he forgot. He’s Even-Steven.

NOTARY: (to Frank) Before you recite your vows, I’ll need you to sign them.

FRANK: What are you talking about? Who the hell are you?

NOTARY: Your vows. I’m the notary.

Justice of the Peace hands vows to notary.

FRANK: I didn’t order any notary.

GEORGE: I did. It’s my little gift to you. To make sure that this time… they’re official.

FRANK: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Your vows! The love you two express for each other has to be given… the gravitas and respect it deserves. If you abide by your vows… everything will be hunky-dory.

FRANK: And what if I don’t?

GEORGE: … I’m sure they’ll let you two have conjugal visits.

FRANK: Here, give me the damn paper.

Frank signs it.

GEORGE: (to Jerry) Now I know how Carter felt when he pulled off that peace treaty.

ELAINE: Can we get this show on the road? I need to get back to de-linting sweaters for Mr. Pitt.

JERRY: He’s got you de-linting sweaters now?

ELAINE: Hey, it’s a step up from un-salting his pretzels.

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: We’re gathered here today to witness the re-joining of Frank and Estelle Costanza. May I have the vows please?

Notary hands him the freshly sealed and document to refer to.

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: (reading) “I, Frank Costanza, take again as my wife, Estelle Costanza…”

KRAMER: (teary-eyed) This part always gets me.

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: “ … as a continual thorn in my backside…”

GEORGE: Continual thorn? Stop! Let me see that. (Grabs vows, starts reading) “…to aggravate me for the rest of my life. I, Estelle Costanza, take again as my husband, Frank Costanza, the cheapest man who doesn’t clip his ear hair I’ve ever known…” Are you nuts? You can’t recite these vows!

FRANK: Why not? They come from our hearts.

ESTELLE: Your father’s right. For a change.

NOTARY: Their new vows are on an affidavit on which they’ve already affirmed under penalty of perjury that the information is the truth. Your father signed it in my presence. Notice my seal.

GEORGE: I see your seal! Well that’s just great. Now they’re legally obligated to drive each other bonkers, along with me!

JERRY: (to notary) Question: The next time my friend here gets a Dear John letter, if your seal isn’t on it, does that mean he didn’t officially get dumped?

NOTARY: No, he’d still be dumped.

JERRY: (to George) Hey, I tried.


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Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal

The Seinfeld episode about a Notary


January 3, 2011

Sign-Feld: The List!

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , , — admin @ 4:24 am

Kramer becomes a notary and wants to learn to market himself. So, he calls Carmen on Giddy-up!

KRAMER: Carmen, it’s Cosmo. Okay, I want in. What do I need to get started?

CARMEN: You need a listing on, a loan signing course and a list of signing companies.

KRAMER: Whoa, Nellie. I don’t have time for lists.

CARMEN: Yes Kramer — a list. You need to get signed up with all of the good companies on the list.

KRAMER: Do I need to part with any hard-earned cash to get this list?

CARMEN: What hard-earned cash?

KRAMER: Answer the question.

CARMEN: Don’t tell anybody else that I told you this, but the list is actually on sale — for free now. Just go to our blog!

KRAMER: Your blog? Oooh. I like blogs. What’s your blog address?

CARMEN: Just go to and click on the orange icon near the top of the screen.

KRAMER: Orange. Sinatra’s favorite color! And do I need to pass a test or something?

CARMEN: Just study from the loan signing course and then you can take our online test whenever you’re ready. It’s six and a half minutes long, so be prepared

KRAMER: I was a boy scout. I’m always prepared.

KRAMER: Jerry, you’ll never guess what I’m doing now.

JERRY: You became part of a traveling circus and you’re on your way to CVS to get more clown makeup?

KRAMER: Not exactly, but you’re right about the traveling part. I’m now officially a traveling notary.

JERRY: Really, so how does that work? Considering you never travel out of your apartment.

KRAMER: Well, you go to people’s houses to help them sign documents. Then I stamp the documents.

ELAINE: Are they stamp-worthy?

KRAMER: They’re the only kind I attach my good name to.

JERRY: I thought they attach their name.

KRAMER: They do. Come watch. It’ll be fun.

ELAINE: (laughs) Can I watch Jerry watch?

JERRY: Forget it. I’m too busy to watch or be watched.

KRAMER: Are you too intimidated by the notion of learning the art of the stamp, Jerry? Maybe you’re… above it all? Are you… too funny in that borderline whimsical standup way of yours to learn a notary’s tricks of the trade?

JERRY: All right. Spill it already. What do I need to learn to become a notary?

KRAMER: I’m not letting you in on my secret.

JERRY: Secret? What secret?

(later at Monk’s diner)

JERRY: Hey George. Have you noticed Kramer acting a little funny lately?

GEORGE: Funny in that borderline whimsical standup way?

JERRY: I’ve crossed that border into full whimsy! Did Kramer mention anything about some secret he was keeping?

GEORGE: He just was babbling about some mobile notary thing. It sounds like a big scam to me.

JERRY: Did he mention anything else about it?

GEORGE: Just that it might be a great way to meet women, and something about a list.

JERRY: A list?

GEORGE: Not sure. The only time I remember something is when I write it down on a list.

JERRY: Why would Kramer be keeping a list?

GEORGE: Hey, if I became a Notary, do you think I could meet women?

JERRY: If you were Hugh Heffner, you couldn’t meet women!

(Later back at Jerry’s apartment…)

(Newman ENTERS.)

NEWMAN: Hello…Jerry.

JERRY: Hello…Newman. What brings your overgrown carcass here?

NEWMAN: I’m here to speak with Kramer about a private matter.

JERRY: The only thing you keep private is your cholesterol level.

NEWMAN: It’s 360 – So there! (handing list to Kramer) Here’s the people on my mail route going through a divorce.

KRAMER: (handing over to Newman) Here’s your embosser.

JERRY: Wait a minute. You two are in cahoots? Don’t tell me Newman’s becoming a notary.

NEWMAN: I’ve already become one. I hand people their mail. Why shouldn’t I hand them papers to sign and make double the coin? (Fiendishly laughs)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Newman’s list of troubled marriages? That’s your list?

KRAMER: Just one of them. Now when people sign their divorce papers, who do you think will be there to officiate?

JERRY: Newman, that’s who.

NEWMAN: I resent that, Seinfeld. You’re implying I’d usurp Kramer.

JERRY: I’m not implying anything, Newman. You’d cheat Kramer as fast as you’d cheat your starving mother out of a glazed doughnut!

NEWMAN: Not till I make it… (waving embosser) official. (Fiendishly laughs)

(2 hours later)

JERRY: George, I found out what one of the lists is. It’s a list of newly divorced people on Newman’s mail route.

GEORGE: Newly divorced people on his mail route? What does he, reading their dear John letters?

JERRY: I think dear John is for breaking up. By the time you’re at the divorce stage, nobody callin’ anybody “dear.” What is that other list?

GEORGE: I think I overheard him talking to Carmen at 123notary about it. She’ll know. Just call the number on

JERRY: I’m impressed George. You remembered something that wasn’t on a list.

GEORGE: (pulls out a list from his pocket) Well, I had a little help.

JERRY: I’m going to call Carmen. (ring-ring)

CARMEN: 123notary, this is Carmen.

JERRY: Carmen, it’s Jerry Seinfeld.

CARMEN: You can’t be Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld would have his people call me.

JERRY: I have no people. I find it’s a lot easier not remembering people’s birthdays. You gotta tell me. You know about the list. Kramer knows about the list. I wanna know about the list!

CARMEN: Hmm, I do remember talking to a gentleman named Cosmo yesterday calling from your area code. I gave him instructions for how to visit our blog on and find the 2014 list of best signing companies. Just click on the orange button at the top right of the screen and then click on the category in our blog for good signing companies. Scroll, and you’ll find it.

JERRY: Carmen, if I did have people in my life — you’d be one of them. I’m online now. I’m clicking the orange button… where is that link… here it is! I’m scrolling. There is no list like this. There are the good signing companies, but not best. What happened to the list?

CARMEN: It was dated September 27th.

JERRY: I’m right there. There is no list.

CARMEN: Jeremy must have taken it down. You’ll have to take this up with him by email.

(Kramer slides in)

JERRY: What happened to that list?

KRAMER: You mean George’s crib sheet?

JERRY: You know what list I’m talking about Kramer. I checked with Carmen, and they took the list down!

KRAMER: I’m listless, Jerry. I sold my list. And I won’t say to who. The documents aren’t the only thing sealed. So are my lips.

JERRY: What are you telling me Kramer?

KRAMER: It’s the list Jerry, the list. I may have sold it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have it.

JERRY: Can you share the list? Just this one time?

KRAMER: Oh no, I can’t. I can’t share the list.

JERRY: Oh come on!

ELAINE: Guess who I just saw outside?

JERRY: I don’t go outside. There are too many people out there.

ELAINE: I saw Newman. I don’t know what he was staring at more worshipfully, his tuna sub, or this piece of paper he was staring at.

JERRY: I’m following him. (Jerry goes outside) Newman! You’re the one with the list.

NEWMAN: That’s right Jerry. (driving off in his convertible while waving the list in the air)


You might also like:

Seinfeld — George’s parents get a vow renewal

The Seinfeld episode about a Notary