Byron Allen — Notary Hot Chocolate!
BYRON: Welcome to comics unleashed hot chocolate, where the comedians go wild! Are you guys ready to go wild?
EARTHQUAKE: Man, you gotta know what you’re doing if you do Notaries in the ghetto. On Jeremy’s 123notary blog it recommends that you don’t park in the driveway. On my blog, I recommend that you don’t park anywhere. Unless you like seeing your car parts live on in another vehicle. You don’t want to park in the kind of neighborhoods I do my Notaries. you do not want to park. You’d be better off Ubering your ass down to the signing.
GINA: My ass, I’d need two Ubers.
EARTHQUAKE: That’s what I like, girl! Good luck trying to get one to pick you up on your way home. If you do, chances are it’s a stolen Uber.
GINA: What I recommend is have two cars. One nice car you use to go out on a date. And another one that is a junker that you use to do signings in bad neighborhoods — and get a good alarm.
STEVEN: My car alarm has settings: low, regular, highly sensitive, and ghetto times three.
EARTHQUAKE: Ha ha ha… Yeah, I tried that two car thing. It worked real good in the beginning until the junker broke down and then the minute I took my nice car out the garage I got pulled over within minutes. The “Make Honkies Great” bumper sticker probably didn’t help.
GINA: I’ve had it with getting pulled over for DWB. So, much for “Black privilege.”
EARTHQUAKE: Hey don’t knock it, we might have trouble in some facets of life, but I assure you not in others. Tell me a white 60 year-old lady who has the gall to put her face on her own magazine every month.
KYLE: Oprah! Where’s my frickin’ free car?
STEVEN: My car is the opposite of a chick car. It ain’t even a blowup doll car. Not that I haven’t used one in the carpool lane.
EARTHQUAKE: ha ha.. My love life blows too. Neither have I.
GINA: Try candles. Women like candles. Unless they’re over 35 and on their birthday cake. With the type of chicks you meet, get a candle of a Notary Seal.
KYLE: You should get a titanium Notary Seal, so you can run faster from the house you’re doing a signing in back to your junker.
STEVEN: Don’t overlook the idea of getting a hot air balloon. That way you don’t have to park it. Just tie it to the house.
GINA: You’re full of hot air.
EARTHQUAKE: I’m so behind on the bills for my two cars, I have bill collectors calling me daily. There are so many, they carpool to my house to collect. Those are the same people who “approved” me.
GINA: I wouldn’t approve you.
EARTHQUAKE: Thanks for the vote of confidence. But, anyway, yesterday I did a signing for a family called the Owens. I said, that’s a good name for you, because after you sign this Deed of Trust you’re gonna be Owen for the next thirty years.
KYLE: I had a signing like that in Ionia County, Michigan. I told them that’s a good thing you live in this county because after you sign the TRID…. the Lender’s gonna say Ionia!
EARTHQUAKE: You went to Ionia just for the bad pun, didn’t you?
KYLE: Why else would I go?
STEVEN: The thing I hate about being a black Notary is that when I deny illegal requests from black customers, sometimes they call me an Uncle Tom for complying with the man. I’m complying with the law that protects all of us…
GINA: Yeah, except in transit from venue to venue..
STEVEN: Good point…
GINA: It’s less of a point, and more of a line when you think about it. And it’s not as bad as being called an Auntie Thomassina.
EARTHQUAKE: Now, what did you say about my mamma?