May 2015 - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
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May 15, 2015

Dumb and Dumberer for Notaries

Filed under: Movie Themes,Popular on Linked In — Tags: — admin @ 8:15 am

Harry and Lloyd set out to become notaries. Little did society (or the county clerk) know that they would be the dumbest notaries in human recorded history.

HARRY: I just got my new notary stamp.

LLOYD: Don’t forget to lick the stamp before you use it.

HARRY: Ha! I’m already ahead of you, my friend. (Sticking out tongue and revealing indented tongue from embosser.)

LLOYD: (sticking out his tongue) No, you’re not. I licked your notary stamp first!

HARRY: Ewwww. That means I licked where your tongue already was.

LLOYD: Ewwww.

HARRY: Hey, I’m going to my first notary assignment tomorrow. Wanna come for moral support and tips?

LLOYD: I guess. But, why do I have to tip you if you’re doing the job for someone else?

(at the assignment)

SAMANTHA: Thanks so much for coming. It’s so hard to find a Notary at the last minute.

HARRY: It’s the last minute?!!! Oh no, we’re all going to die!!!!

SAMANTHA: It’s a figure of speech. There will be other minutes.

LLOYD: Oooh. Pretty… and smart!

(Harry had Samantha sign the journal inside the book cover like an autograph. Then he attached a certificate to the documents. He wasn’t sure if Samantha was a guy or a chick, so he crossed on the he/she/they, used white out and wrote “it” in handwriting. What a dumb thing to do.)

HARRY: Done!

LLOYD: Aren’t you forgetting something?

HARRY: Oh yeah… (he licks his stamp after he affixed it. Luckily Samantha was too dumb to know the difference)

SAMANTHA: Thanks so much. I might need help next week with a lien.

HARRY & LLOYD: We’re good at that — watch this. (they both lean, bracing themselves against the wall.)

SAMANTHA: And a Quaker friend will need a notarization with an Oath.

HARRY: No problem. I’ll bring a box of them!

(The next day, a call came in from Dave who needed a notary for his Affidavit of Statute of Limitations for his Attorney) In looking up Harry’s profile, he noticed he’d written that he was a hard worker and had a professional misdemeanor.

DAVE: Hi, I’ll need a Notary. Can you meet me in the park for the notarization? It’s near my Attorney’s office.

HARRY: Your attorney lives in a park? Cool! I know this great fountain where we can meet.

(They both arrive. At the fountain where there is a statue)

DAVE: I’m so glad you could help. Here’s my document.

HARRY: Document? I already did the work, dude. See my seal over there? It’s on the statue of limitations. It was hard to find a clean spot next to all the bird droppings. Maybe that’s why it’s so limited. The person assigned to keep it clean is also limited if you ask me.

DAVE: What? You birdbrain!

HARRY: Thanks! Not that I’m smart enough to crap on a statue.

(The third day, he did a notarization for Luke)

HARRY: Okay Luke, you called for Quaker oats, and I brought you two boxes. Wanna warm some up?

LUKE: No Harry, I didn’t want Quaker Oats, I wanted Quaker Oaths.

HARRY: Oh, so that’s the part of the manual I read wrong. Let me get my hat. Okay, now swear.

LUKE: That’s not how it’s done. I’ve been to many notaries before.

HARRY: So, how do you do an Oath? This is my first commission, and probably my last if I don’t get suspended or held back a year.

LUKE: You start by asking a question, like, do you swear that you agree to the terms in this agreement?

HARRY: Do, I &%$-ing swear to agree to the &%#-ing terms in your &$#-ing agreement? I &%#-ing do swear!

LUKE: It’s not that kind of swearing, it’s the type of swearing like when you swear to tell the truth.

HARRY: Ohhhh. Well, I &%$-ing do swear to tell the &*$%-ing truth.

LUKE: I also need a Will notarized.

LLOYD: And a way?

LUKE: A way to notarize the will?

LLOYD: Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Here’s something I never got about legal documents. If there’s a will, why isn’t there also a won’t?

HARRY: Because they won’t want a Won’t — that’s why they call it “Won’t.”

LLOYD: Oh, that actually kind of makes sense.

HARRY: Okay, anything else?

LUKE: I heard that you could do e-signatures too?

HARRY: No, I don’t mess with that. I heard some Notary dude got electrocuted doing an e-signature. I saw a picture of him in the paper with his hair all frizzled. That’s a “don’t try this at home” type of notarization.

LUKE: Okay, thanks.

(The fourth day, they were asked to help sign a loan. The loan docs were late, so Harry took matters into his own hands.)

HARRY: What are the documents supposed to be in a loan?

LLOYD: Well, there is a Deed. So, we could do a Deed. Then there’s the Note. I have a note from my gym teacher saying I’m not fit to play volleyball. And if they don’t like that, I have this G# I lifted from music class. There is a Right to Cancel too. I could draw that up on my computer. Then, there is a HUB. I could bring the hub cap that’s been sitting on the corner for about a week. Here, help me. I want to put all of this in a box so we’ll be prepared.

HARRY: Lloyd — you’re the greatest friend a guy could have! And one of the smartest, and most prepared friends too!

LLOYD: If a smart guy like you thinks so, it must be true!

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May 13, 2015

Notary Ambulance

There was a Notary in New York who wanted to be important. He was always overlooked. The only think people wanted was a $2 notarization. How are you supposed to survive in New York on $2 even if you do a few dozen Notary acts per day? He did loan signings and got the usual fee, but wanted something more. He thought for days about this perplexing problem and then came up with something. If he could get to his appointments earlier, then he could do more work every day, and maybe even get respect.

So, the Notary drove around and thought. The more he drove the more he thought and the more he thought the more he drove until it came to him. An ambulance was behind him and in a huge hurry. He saw through his rear view mirror the words Ambulance. Hmmm. The Notary had an idea. He would write the word NOTARY on a sign on his roof in mirror image writing so when someone saw it in their rear view mirror, they would know to get out of his way. There was only one thing he was lacking — a siren. This Notary didn’t want to get locked up. If you use a siren, that might be considered impersonating an emergency vehicle which might mean jail time. So, this Notary practiced doing verbal sirens.

Finally the day came when his Notary sign was complete, and he had perfected his siren impression which he learned to do by attending a comedy workshop. Yes, the same comedy workshop that sponsered the hit series, Notary Suicide Hotline. He was ready to go out into the world. So, he drove down the streets of New York, he did his siren. Everybody ignored him. The only people who paid attention were ones who laughed and made wise cracks about his funny looking sign and funny looking old car. Oh well. This Notary tried, and failed. But, at least he used his creativity!

But, then one day, he was driving along, and someone saw his sign in his rear view mirror. That person pulled up next to him and said, “Hey, I need a Notary… what do you charge?” He said he had a $50 minimum for traveling gigs. Well, this customer wanted to only pay $2 per signature, but had 1000 signatures, and would pay $100 each fifty signatures, and would pay in cash in advance. The Notary had struck it rich. The Notary went to the job, got paid cash, and laughed his way to the bank.

So, the moral of the story is, if you try different creative approaches to solving business problems, you never know what will happen!

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May 11, 2015

Here is an easy way to make $4000 more per year

Most notaries are complaining that there is not enough work to go around. They are right — there isn’t. However, there are certain people who get most of the work when there is work. The trick is to become one of those people. The listings that get the most work have a few reviews from satisfied clients, a great notes section, a company name, high placement, and last but not least — 123notary certification.

But, I don’t “Need” your certification. I’m already “certified!”
Unfortunately for you, the people who use our site do not reward notaries for being NNA certified. This is not my decision, it is theirs. NNA certified notaries on 123notary get no more or no less business than any of our other notaries. However, those certified by 123notary get 78% more clicks and more than double (2.5x) the new jobs (generated from our site) than those who aren’t. More than double sounds good to me.

From 3 jobs per week to 3 jobs per day
A few years ago when the economy was better, one notary raved to us that the minute he passed our certification test, he went from getting three jobs per week to three jobs per day. That is phenomenal, and a true story. His luck was considerably better than most other notaries, but statistically, the other notaries did quite well too.

15-100 jobs a year is average
Although the industry is slow, notaries with a p#10 preferential spot on 123notary get around 15-100 jobs per year based on people who we talk to in those positions. Those who get less than that either have already dropped out or will soon drop out. Consider that you are on the low end of the totempole getting 15 jobs a year and our certification helps you get 36 jobs per year. You would be making an additional $2000 per year as a result of your two hours of effort studying and taking our test. That is $1000 per hour assuming you drop out after a single year.

How would the average notary benefit from 123notary certification?
Let’s assume that the average notary stays on 123notary for three years which is somewhat true. The actual number of years for paying listings is around that level although free listings sometimes get removed prematurely if they have bad stats. Let’s say that our average uncertified notary gets 30 jobs per year from our site. Getting certified would raise that total statistically to 75 jobs which is 45 additional jobs which would account for around $4000 extra income in a year. So, multiply three years by $4000 and you get $12000.

Your time is worth $6000 per hour studying for our cert test.
Over the life of your career, the average notary would get $12,000 more income as a result of passing our test which takes about two hours in study time, plus a 6.5 minute online test. Two hours of your time will net you $12,000 in the next several years. It is like a goose that lays golden eggs.

But, you are busy.
What else are you doing that is more important? Many notaries are too busy to do something worth $6000 per hour and get offended when I mention that what they are doing “might” be slightly less important or valuable than studying for our test. What are you doing and what is the value of that work?

Studying for our test: $6000 per hour in long term financial benefit (before expenses)
Doing a notary job: $15-40 per hour (after expenses)
Daydreaming: Zero
Going to a birthday party: Zero
Cleaning house: Zero
Browsing Facebook: Zero

The bottom line is that you clutter your life with tasks which are not optimally valuable, so when an important task needs to be done, you simply don’t have time. My suggestion is that you schedule your other work around your important tasks, rather than putting off the important tasks, otherwise you’ll never get ahead. Schedule your study time in your calendar, make sure your passwords work, and just do it. It might be safer to schedule three non-consecutive days just in case you need more time or have technical difficulties.

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May 1, 2015

Noternity Court

I’m tired of seeing all of these late night shows about people who can’t keep their pants on. Then, someone gets pregnant, and they don’t know who the father is. What is the future of our country if we can’t even bear children with two sane parents who are married I ask?

In any case. There is a new show call Noternity Court. There are some states that don’t require the use of a notary seal. The problem is, that if the notary’s handwriting is bad enough, you won’t be able to tell after the fact who notarized the document.

JEFF SIMONS: Your honor, it was 20 years ago. I can’t possibly remember if I notarized that document.

SAM (client) : It’s him… I swear it. If you overlook the balding head, the wrinkles around his eyes, and the extra 50 pounds he gained, that’s the same guy.

JEFF SIMONS: How can you be so sure?

JEFF SIMERS: Yeah, I have almost the exact same name and our signatures are so similar, how can you tell the difference.

JUDGE: You’re speaking out of order. Now, I’ve submitted your notary commission signatures and identification to a signature analysis crew. If necessary I’ll also have you take a lie detector test. Since the analysis is late. Let’s start with teh lie detector.

TECHNICIAN: Now, that we have you all wired, up I’m going to ask you a few questions.

JEFF SIMONS: Okay

TECHNICIAN: Is your name Jeff Simons.

JEFF SIMONS: Yes

TECHNICIAN: Were you a notary public in the year 1995

JEFF SIMONS: To the best of my knowledge.

TECHNICIAN: A simple yes or no will do. Our records show you were. Now, did you notarize with anyone else during the period when you were notarizing for Sam.

JEFF SIMONS: No, he was the only one.

TECHNICIAN: (pause) He’s telling the truth.

JUDGE: Okay, we have the signature analytics back. The analysis shows that … (pause)

We adjurn this court session for a special announcement.

There is a sale on journals at the ANS — Antiquated Notary Supplies. Don’t do a notary entry without a journal! Otherwise you might end up in Noternity Court.

JUDGE: Now, since your state doesn’t require you to use a notary seal or notary journal, it is very difficult to qeury a particular notary transaction. Do you know how critical these transactions are? What if you were signing off a Deed to a five million dollar property, and your handwriting was so bad they coudn’t tell who the notary was. I think you need to take your jobs a whole lot more seriously. Now, we got the DNA results back, and the handwriting analysis. Jeff Simons…. you are NOT, the notary!

JEFF SIMONS: I’m not? I can’t believe it. That’s fantastic, because I’m broke and can’t make any notary support payments.

JUDGE: Jeff Simers, you have a similar name to the other Jeff, but you are also not…. the notary!

JEFF SIMERS: I’m not? Well, who is?

JUDGE: The notary’s name is Jeff Somors, and he died in Nebraska many years ago. So, we can’t summon him

MEDIUM: Speak for yourself, we can do a seyonce.

JUDGE: Now, you’re talking, but that is not permissable in court. After all, how could we prove the identity of the spirit?

MEDIUM: The way we prove anyone else’s identity. Just have the spirit sign something, and ask your handwriting analyst!

JUDGE: I think we’re on to something!

Court Adjourned!

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