Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.
PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.
CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.
PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.
(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)
GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)
MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?
CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!
PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.
CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?
PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.
CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.
PAUL: By voting against Trump?
CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.
PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.
CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!
PAUL: Got it.
CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?
PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.
CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.
PAUL: Here’s $80.
CARMEN: You only owe me $60.
PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!
CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.
JEREMY: Yes Carmen
CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.
JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.
CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?
TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.
CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!
The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter
DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.
CARMEN: I’m with you brother!
DeSHEA: When can you be here?
CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!
DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!
CARMEN: Okay, here I am.
DeSHEA: There’s a problem
CARMEN: What problem is that?
DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.
CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?
DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.
CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!
Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.
KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.
CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.
KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.
CARMEN: I’m there.
KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.
CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.
KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.
CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.
KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.
CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.
KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.
CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!
JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”
CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.
JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.
CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.
JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.
CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.
CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?
TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.
CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.
TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.
CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!
(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)
DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?
CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!