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January 29, 2022

My date with Jeremy

This article was originally published in 2013.

He was striking and utterly took my breath away–like a traffic accident. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He had deep, penetrating gray eyes that seemed to notice everything. His shirt was the color of numbers.

We got out of the car at the restaurant. He took the ticket stub the valet handed him and scrutinized the numbers. “These add up to 33, an excellent number for business,” Jeremy noted. “I hope my good fortune extends to this restaurant as well. Let’s go in and see what’s on the menu.”

The sign above the entrance said Le Jurat.

“How did you pick this restaurant?” I asked.

“I have an algorithm for restaurants,” Jeremy said, opening the door for me.

“How chivalrous!” I replied. I was in awe of him, and I didn’t know what else to say.

“I assess the restaurant according to reviews, how they answer the phone, and zip code… and then I try the food,” he explained. “I test the food before bringing a friend here. Sometimes the reviews don’t match the quality of the service provider. In my opinion, good reviews don’t necessarily translate to good service–but I don’t know if you subscribe to that opinion, Sealia.”

As we were being taken to our table, a woman with frizzed red hair like the bride of Frankenstein ran up to Jeremy, tapped him on the shoulder, and demanded–“My password! I need my password! I can’t get in to update my page!”

Jeremy looked her in the eye and said sternly, “I’m having dinner. I emailed you your password three times in the last few months. You need to request it by email. Not now.”

I wondered exactly what the woman was talking about…and whether this man ever had any time to himself.

The decor of Le Jurat was elegant, parchment beige with traces of pink and gold, and there was no waiting line, yet the restaurant was full–an amazing combination for a Saturday night in Los Angeles. On all the tables, a little sign next to the placemats read, “Customers who subscribe to our newsletter have sworn by us…” The music playing in the background was “I Swear” by John Michael Montgomery…

“When I was choosing restaurants,” Jeremy said slyly, “it was a choice between this place and a Christian Korean place called the Hyung Moon Temple where the signature dish was Stained Glass Noodles.”

I laughed. “So tell me about this business of yours,” I asked. “What exactly do you do for notaries?”

“I provide advertising, education, and entertainment for notaries–visit us on Facebook! I also use algorithms to assess the notaries’ performance and knowledge.”

“I didn’t know Al Gore had rhythm,” I smiled and nodded.

“I didn’t know he had rhythm, either.” His phone rang. “123notary, this is Jeremy” he stated automatically.

“It’s Vicki from Hyung Moon,” he said aloud; “Sorry, Vicki, I have to cancel…I will not be able to make it this evening. I wish to rescind.”

He hung up quietly and said, “I kind of double booked…”

He was just about to smile again when the phone rang–again.

“Hullo,” screeched a voice.

“123notary, this is Jeremy.”

“Are you a notorizor?”

“I used to be a notary but I’m not anymore. Please look on 123notary. I’m the site administrator. Please call a notary on the site. Have a nice night. Goodbye.”

Again the phone rang,
but this time, he glanced at the number and said, “I’m not going to answer now because I’m with you, but I’ll have to call them back in exactly one hour and 56 minutes. That will be the best time to speak with this person who wants to take a phone test. I remember their number and the exact time they said would be optimal to call. That gives us enough time to have our meal and a dessert…before we go to FedEx to finalize the date,” he said, focusing on a tiny spot on the tablecloth.

“FedEx?” I said. “Why FedEx?”

“That’s where my dates always end–at a FedEx drop box.”

We tried to catch the waiter’s attention. “Hey–the waiter didn’t even acknowledge us!” Jeremy quipped. “Do you think our waiter will personally appear before us? I would like to order the Soup du Jurat…and a Certified Angus Burger…I like this restaurant because it’s 24 hours…although they don’t answer the phone after 11…if you want late-night service you have to call before 11… ”

I decided on the Rack of Lamb. “Is that a dual rack or a single?” I asked the waiter, who had finally appeared.

“Well, technically it’s a single rack….but we put in a separator program…so the legal size chops can go on a legal-sized plate.”

“If I don’t like the entree, do I have the right to cancel?” Jeremy demanded.

Finally the waiter delivered the food–and not a minute too soon.

“This lamb is delicious!” I said.

Jeremy ate his certified burger. “This stuff is as good as Kobe beef!” he replied.

“So what is it really like running 123notary?” I asked.

“It’s like dealing with a series of situations that never end,” he said.

“So it’s like marriage,” I said.

“That’s a good analogy. Trying to get people to do what they’re supposed to is like separating ribs. I need people to answer their phone, or write their Notes. They don’t all do it.”

“So it’s like a cross between babysitting and marriage…”

“Another good analogy! We’re really on the same page here. Would you like to have dessert at Le Venue down the street?”

“I’d love to!”

“Waiter, would you bring our settlement statement? Was my appetizer amortized over the life of the dinner?”

The waiter brought the check.

“When is my first payment due?” asked Jeremy.

“In five minutes,” the waiter answered. “The term of your loan is 45 minutes–with no accrued interest. The final payment is due tonight as well.”

“Is my APR different from my rate?”

“They are the same–due to the fact that we are not adding finance charges to your transaction,” the waiter explained.

“I see your point.”

“There are no points– because points would be considered finance charges–and no origination fee,” concluded the waiter.

“This conversation is completely irrelevant, considering there is no security instrument,” said Jeremy.

The waiter returned with the credit card statement.

“What color ink would you like me to sign with, black or blue?”

“Either. Just as long as you are personally appearing before me, I can accept your signature…but I could give you an oath…because I saw you were raising your right hand as you were trying to hail me,” the waiter replied.

“Shall we leave?” I asked Jeremy.

“Let’s go,” he said.

We walked down the street to Le Venue, a Restaurant for Notaries, for dessert.

“What county are we in?” Jeremy asked the hostess.

“Why do you need to know?”

“You always need to know what county you’re in when you fill out a venue. You’re not a notary, are you?” Jeremy told the hostess.

“Is everyone here a notary?” he asked the waiter.

“Pretty much…except the hostess,” the waiter replied.

I noticed the placemats read, “State of California…”

We looked at the menu anyway, even though we were only there for dessert…and saw “Roast Seal with Ink.”

Jeremy considered the mousse for dessert…

“What county is the mousse from?” Jeremy asked.

“It’s not from a county, it’s from a province, sir” the waiter replied.

“Can we get an Alaskan mousse?” …

“How about this dessert made with oreo cookies– what a great raised seal they have!” I suggested.

“Does the seal on the embossed cookie have an expiration date?” Jeremy asked.

“It doesn’t expire until 2015,” the waiter attested.

“How about the analytics dessert? It’s a graph… It’s in the form of a pie graph…”

“Oh, I can’t eat a whole pie…” I said.

“Well, most of the pieces are missing…the anayltics weren’t very good…” Jeremy pointed out.

Jeremy got the mousse, and I asked for the Locus Sigilli Sundae.

“Today is Friday. Do you serve the sundae today–or only on Sundays and federal holidays?”

“We serve this sundae with the oreos every day, sir,” the waiter replied.

The food was perfect.

“I can’t finish my dessert,” I said. Can you finish it for me?” I asked.

“I think we have to get a power of attorney for me to finish your dessert,” Jeremy replied.

On the way out, he went up to the hostess and asked, “Can you validate us?”

“You’re a very nice person,” she told him, smiling.

“No, I mean stamp our parking receipt…Can I stamp it myself? I’m a notary; that’s my thing. Can I backdate it? We’ve been here quite a while…”

“No, sorry sir, we don’t allow that…”

“I enjoyed eating the date stamped on my oreos…” I said, wondering what to expect next.

“I enjoyed eating my mousse…but I would have enjoyed it more if the antlers hadn’t been crushed by the car that hit it in the dark, ” Jeremy laughed. “Can I take you home?” Jeremy asked softly.

“No….just drop me off at the FedEx drop box.”

Tweets:
(1) “Waiter, would you bring our settlement statement? Was my appetizer amortized over the life of the dinner?”
(2) The waiter brought the check. “When is my first payment due?” asked Jeremy.
(3) “Does the seal on the embossed oreo cookie have an expiration date?” Jeremy asked.
(4) The notary asked, “Can I get an Alaskan moose with Russian dressing. They’re our next door neighbors!”
(5) Running 123notary is more like babysitting than you think,
“Did you update your listing? Did you update your notes? Did you renew yet?”
(6) “FedEx?” I said. “Why FedEx?” “That’s where my dates always end–at a FedEx drop box.”
(7) Running 123notary is like a cross between babysitting & a marriage. A bunch of situations that never end!

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January 25, 2022

Vampire Notaries: 24 hour service

This was originally published in 2013

It was a dark and rainy night.
A couple called a company called Vampire Notaries for a late night signing.

The company’s motto was:
“We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”

They were going to sign a simple affidavit. The couple thought the business name of the notary sounded romantic in an erie way. In any case, the vampire(s) showed up a the appointed time.

It was 2am on a rainy night. There was thunder; There was lightening. The couple was cozying up next to the fireplace sipping wine. Then, there was a slow, but emphatic knock on the door. Knock………… knock……….. knock………. Each knock was heavy and decisive, but not frighteningly loud. There was a four second pause between each knock.

Two seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. They both had clean cut hair, and were clean shaven. Everything was normal about these two guys, or at least, so it seemed. The only distinguishing aspect of their appearance was their long black coats. But, it was raining, so perhaps they needed a long trenchcoat, right? Or, was this part of their usual attire?

The couple asked why there were two of them. The answer was, “We like to work in pairs”. The couple gave each other a weird look, and then they asked what was next. Vampire #1 asked to see their identification. The couple gladly handed their drivers licenses over. Vampire #1 stared at the picture of the lady, and said, “That’s a nice picture, you have nice rosy cheeks… you must have good circulation! Do you work out?” Next, Vampire #1 wanted to see the documents. The couple was instructed to sign the documents. Next, it was time for pawprints. Vampire #2 asked for a right thumbprint from the husband. At this point, the wife asked, “Aren’t you asking for a lot? The next thing you will ask for is a DNA sample, a retinal scan, or even a BLOOD SAMPLE.”.

At this point, Vampire #1 exclaimed,
“Funny you should mention that” — and gave a knowing glance to the the other vampire.

Then it was time for the wife’s thumbprint. The husband said to Vampire #2, “You really do spend a lot of time looking over my shoulders and breathing down my neck. Vampire #2 said, “They don’t call us Vampire Notaries for nothing!”. Finally, the wife noticed that Vampire #1 was doing 90% of the work. She asked why one Vampire did almost all of the work. Vampire #2 explained, “I prefer to watch!” — with a delighted look on his face.

After the notary work was all done, the couple paid the notaries. But, Vampire #2 said, “We are not done yet”. The wife asked, “What more could we possibly do?”. Vampire #2 walked over to his briefcase, and whipped out four dixie cups and announced, “It’s time for our midnight elixer!”. Vampire #1 brought a small bottle of sangria, he glanced at the couple’s Anderson Valley Syrah and said, “You are drinking the WRONG type of wine!”.

So, all four of them enjoyed a two ounce sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD) from their little chalices. After that, the vampires were about to part ways with this young couple. The lady said to the man, “They seemed nice, but that was a little strange”.

Right before the vampires walked out the front door, Vampire #1 whipped out a purple light. The couple saw what these guys looked like in the light, and their eyes turned a very disconcerting color, and their teeth turned color too, emphasizing their fangs.

“Oh my god”, screamed the wife.

“Fare well”, retorted the vampires… and left, with the door making a medium-loud clunk as it closed.

The next day, the couple woke up. Everything seemed normal. The husband brushed his teeth. The wife took her shower. They enjoyed a slow breakfast with all of the usual items. Then, it was time for a kiss before going to work. But, the wife noticed something.

“Fred, What are those strange marks on your neck?”

Tweets:
(1) The company’s motto was: “We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”
(2) 2 seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. It was raining, so maybe they needed trenchcoats, right?
(3) Wife: “The next thing you will ask for is a blood sample.”
Vampire Notary: “Funny you should mention that.”
(4) Vampire Notary: “I like your ID picture. You have nice rosy cheeks, you must have good circulation, do you work out?”
(5) After the signing w/Vampire Notary, the 4 of them enjoyed a sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD)
(6) The day after the signing w/the Vampire Notaries the wife asked: “Fred, what are those strange marks on your neck?”
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January 23, 2022

The Notary, The Mafia & The Fedex Drop Box

This was originally published many years ago.

An uneventful signing
It was a gray Monday afternoon in the first week of November. Kary went to her signing with the Thompsons. They signed the documents without too much reading or complaining. Kary had one other signing after that. When all was done, she made her way to the Fedex drop box. She had a habit of always going to that same drop box. It was near her home, and it felt like a safe place to go at night, being a single woman.

Luckily for her she was nowhere near the San Diego mayor’s office.

The Sopranos were en route to the same location she was
This poor woman’s luck — she ran into someone who was still mourning the loss of the great James Gandolfini AKA Tony Soprano. He was such a fan of the show that he decided to pull a mafioso type move on this poor unexpecting woman. This thug Tony Baritone had been in the drug trade for years, but wanted to step it up a notch. His old M.O. was meeting for the swap in a dark alley, giving them the briefcase, taking the package — you know the drill. But, he wanted to do it more like they do in the movies this time. This was his first attempt at simulating the panache of his television alter-ego.

Just about to drop the FedEx and…
So, this woman was just about to drop her package in the box. Her finger was on the handle of the box. She noticed a large garbage backing up about 50 feet away. She disregarded the truck whose distinctive oder was wafting her way. She put the Fedex in the Fedex drop box, and then proceded back to her car. The garbage truck nearly ran her car off the road as she left her parking space. It was so abrupt, she stopped the car to get out and see what this maniac’s problem was.

The garbage truck backed up
The truck had backed up almost into the Fedex box, and had jaws that clamped the Fedex drop box and tore it from its bearings and lifted it into the truck. The woman started screaming, “What are you doing? Are you crazy?”

Blonde #2 appears
Then another blonde lady appeared out of nowhere who looked almost exactly like the notary. She was the same age, same hair color, and same height, and also had a Fedex package that she wanted to drop. The other lady looked very puzzled. She said to herself, “Wait a second, my instructions were to put the Fedex in the drop box and leave — but, that truck just took the Fedex drop box away!” Blonde #2 (also an unnatural blonde) was unbeknowingly carrying $10,000,000 in drug money that she was to deposit in the Fedex box — which was to be removed by the garbage truck. But, their plan got foiled.

We have to get rid of the witness
The driver said to his friend, “We have two problems — the money is not in the Fedex Box, AND, there’s a witness. We need to get rid of the witness, but I can’t tell them apart.”
His friend said,“You have to look for the roots, real blondes have roots — our blond is a real blonde!”
Driver: “No she ain’t, I’ve seen the broad before, she has a different hairstyle every several months”
Friend: “So, you can tell the two chicks apart!”
Driver: “Not from this distance without my glasses. Let’s get my money first. The broad with the package has the money.”

The mafia chases the blonde
So, the driver and his friend jump out of the truck (which is parked in the middle of the boulevard) and run towards the blonde with the Fedex. The irony is that she doesn’t know that they are the intended recipients of the package because her instructions were only to “Put the Fedex in the drop box”. So, she runs away from these scary people — who are actually her boyfriend’s best friends, and the ones who gave the $10,000 to her boyfriend to pay her to do the drop. Meanwhile the notary lady decides to chase after these scumbags to get them to give her package back.

She loses them and then finds them
In the heat of the chase, she loses them, and then finds them again. The other blonde escapes from these thugs, finds the drop box in the back of the garbage truck, puts it in, and runs away. Meanwhile, notary lady catches up to the thugs, and throws her embosser at them — leaving a raised seal of disapproval (in the form of a bruise) on the now unconscious mafia garbage truck driver’s left temple. The irony of the story is that the character with the concealed weapon is not one the mafia characters, but is the notary who was carrying a stainless steel embosser.

The Notary recovers the loan docs
After that, the driver’s friend ran away and the notary proceeded to the unattended garbage truck to pick up her package. She picked up the highest package in the box in such a hurry, she didn’t realize that she had picked up $10,000,000 in dirty drug money. She gets in her car and drives off with her “loan docs” finally in her possession again. She calls the signing company and lets them know about the problem. Then, she proceeds to her nearest staffed Fedex station — where there won’t be any garbage trucks (let’s hope). She pats the package in glee to have gotten it back after a small altercation. But, she notices a distinct bulge in the package that didn’t feel like loan documents.

But, what she had was not really the loan docs after all
The five seconds after she realized that her loan documents were not in her possession, she saw a large garbage truck driving down the street.

Mental note to self: “Take out the garbage”

Tweets:
(1) A notary bumps into Toni Baratone at a FedEx drop box
(2) The garbage truck tore the FedEx drop box from its bearings and took it away!
(3) “We need to get rid of the witness, but I can’t tell the 2 blondes apart”
(4) The Notary takes $10 million in drug money to the Title company by accident.

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January 16, 2022

Quiz: You know you’re a good Notary when you…

What type of Notary are you? A good one or a bad one? I’m not sure who created the questions for, “You know you’re a redneck if you…”
So, I’ll create my own version of this satirical banter, and come up with my own version for Notaries that will have some technical merit.

You know you’re a bad Notary when you…

(1) Do you fail to call the borrower to confirm the appointment that signing company set, and just show up?
If you don’t call and make sure that all parties involved (watch out for spousal signatures) will be there and on time, with a current ID with matching names — you might be in for some wasted time. If you don’t get the documents signed, you might not get paid. You might waste two hours for nothing because you don’t think you “need” to call the borrowers, or because you were asked not to. It is your appointment and your responsibility!

(2) Do you send loose certificates in the mail?
Lenders and Title companies are notorious for asking notaries to break the law and send loose certiifcates. In some states it is a Misdemeanor if you ask a Notary to do something illegal. Report all illegal requests to your State Notary Division immediately. No second chances!

(3) Do you fail to get certified by all agencies that you purchase “effective” advertising from? Or do you say, I don’t “need” your certification because I’m already “certified” without even disclosing the name of the organization who certified you? There is no such thing as just being “certified” as notary certification is not regulated by any government.

(4) Do you say, “I have my Notary” when you really mean you have your Notary Commission?

(5) Do you fail to use a Notary Journal or Seal simply because your state doesn’t require it? What happens if an investigator asks about a potentially fraudulent transaction you were involved in and you have no evidence for the court? The court case might be really long and you might get in really big trouble.

(6) Do you fail to keep thumbprints of signers in your journal because your state doesn’t require it?
Guess what? You might end up in court if you don’t take thumbprints, especially on transactions affecting high dollar figures such as properties.

(7) Do you fail to administer Oaths to credible witnesses or for Jurats because you are not well enough trained to know how, or even to know that you are required? Or, perhaps you don’t even know what a credible witness even is. Better look this up in your state Notary handbook.

You know you’re a good Notary when…

(1) The hair on your neck stand up straight when you see someone try to sign with a middle initial that doesn’t exist on their identification.

(2) You use an inked seal and an embosser with a raised non-inked seal to make it detectable if pages are swapped or photocopied.

(3) You take copious notes in your journal about the signers, what went on in the signing, and the building / neighborhood where the signing took place to job your memory should you ever be summoned into court.

(4) You sell your car, and buy a few top spots on 123notary.com!

There are many other technical points and best practices that we could address, but for this hopefully entertaining blog entry — that’s all folks!

.

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January 14, 2022

Psych Notary Episode

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (some),Popular Overall,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:54 pm

This was originally published many years ago.

There is a sit-com on Ion television that you can sometimes get on other cable stations called Psych. It’s about a psychic Shawn Spencer and his sidekick Burton Guster. In any case, the psychic is a fake half the time who sees real clues that nobody else saw him see and then pretends to have a vision.

In this episode, a Notary is found dead and his stamp is found missing. The detectives arrive on the scene.

LASSITER: The body is dead — and it’s cold. It could have been lying here for a good seven to ten hours in my estimate. The cause of death seems unclear.

JULES: Let’s take the body to the lab and see if there is any sign of food poisoning. The victim seems to be a Notary Public, and you know how those type of people are — you know — eating on the road on the run.

SHAWN: You’re right. He might have eaten a poisoned fish filet or….wait a second, I’m getting something… (puts his right two fingers to his head) This MAN, did not die from accidental food poisoning (pause)… he was murdered.

LASSITER: You and your unsubstantiated hunches. I just can’t stand it. And what’s worse is that you’re right more than half the time.

SHAWN: Some people say that I’m talented. Oh, and I’m sorry about your tragic breakup.

LASSITER: Yeah… so am I. I really fell for her.

SHAWN: Don’t despair Lassie, there are other fish in the sea… and coral, particularly Staghorn coral.. and sometimes Pillar coral, and it really sucks when that filmy type of algae gets stuck on the coral.. hmmm. I wonder how that happens. But, I digress. My point is that I’m sure you’ll find someone else.

GUS: Yeah… You’ll find someone. Algae on coral? Ain’t no algae on coral.

SHAWN: I’ve seen it. At least half a dozen times.

GUS: Where?

SHAWN: Snorkeling

GUS: Since when do you snorkel?

SHAWN: I snorkel… Why, you didn’t think I snorkeled? I’m a snorkeler. And I can communicate with fish too. Watch this (puts face near the fish tank and blows bubbles in the air) bubble bubble bubble… See. I told you. I am all about the sea.

JULES: Well, we’ll have to inspect the scene thoroughly and then round up some suspects. Hmm. It seems that this man is a Notary, yet his Notary seal seems to be missing. Perhaps this Notary was murdered to cover up a botched notarization.

LASSITER: Or perhaps the Notary had an exclusive contract with his boss, and his boss found out….

SHAWN: That the Notary was cheating on him… I think you’re projecting, Lassie. Your ex-girlfriend.

LASSITER: She never cheated on me! She was arrested for conspiracy.

SHAWN: Sure she didn’t. I understand. We need to know who the last one who was in the room was — and that man (or woman) will be… the killer.

GUS: What if there were two of them.

SHAWN: Okay… I’m getting something. (puts right fingers to side of head). I know who the killer is… or should I say… “Killizz”

LASSITER: According to this security footage, a well known gangster named Tommy Walker was the last man to come here.

SHAWN: Wait a second, I recognize those finger tattoos. Put them all together, one one hand is says love, and on the other hand’s fingers it says hate. And mom told me not to use four letter words. The killer had a document missing a page and the Notary refused to sign it. So, the killer murdered the Notary, stole the Notary’s stamp and backdated the notarization so that it would APPEAR to have been done long before the murder even though it would not be recorded until after because of some last minute travel arrangements gone bad.

JULES: How do you come up with this?

SHAWN: I have a natural gift.

(Meanwhile the main suspect Tommy Walker, a hardened criminal is at home eating fruit loops and watching the muffets when our dynamic team of sleuths barges in)

LASSITER: (pointing gun) You’re under arrest for the Murder of John Q Smith, Notary Public at large.

TOMMY: I didn’t kill him. He just died shortly after our Notary appointment.

SHAWN: Ah-ha, but your Notary appointment yielded no actual notarization. Or did it. Wait a second… I”m getting something (see’s notarized form in the bag) I see a … win a trip for two to Disney Land…

GUS: Shawn!

SHAWN: Oh, sorry, no… check right behind the Disneyland document and you will find the incriminating document. Yes… A falsified Power of Attorney with a classic missing page… The NNA warns people about that type of situation.

JULES: Oh my God Shawn. You’re right. This Notarization was dated several days ago, but the ink is still fresh.

SHAWN: Caught… in the act. And… we happen to have access to this Notary’s Notary journal which has no record of your transaction on May 5th, “el cinco de Mayo” of the Power of Attorney in question. Which proves that either the Notary kept lousy records, or that you faked the notarization. We’ll have to take the form to the lab so that Woody can inspect the ink for aging.

TOMMY: Okay, I did it. I stole the Notary’s seal, but I didn’t kill him. The killer

SHAWN: Or “Killizz”

TOMMY: is STILL at large. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy. In the mean time… hello travelocity.

JULES: Not so fast. We have the right to detain you until we resolve this.

GUS: Good thing this Notary kept good records because many Notaries on 123notary don’t think they need to keep a journal since their state doesn’t require it. And the ones in California who are required, don’t understand that each document and signature require their own journal entry. You can’t just put them all on the same line and expect that to be a legal record.

SHAWN: How do you know all this?

GUS: Because I used to be a commissioned Notary Public for the state of California, County of Santa Barbara — thank you very much for asking.

SHAWN: Oh cool, so can you notarize my stuffed penguin I’ve had since childhood?

GUS: You never had a stuffed penguin.

SHAWN : Did too, you just never saw it.

GUS: Where did you keep it?

LASSITER: Gentlemen, let’s be done with this inconsequential rambling and get to the task at hand. We need to take Tommy into custody and then question him. Meanwhile, we need to see Woody to see what the autopsy reveals.

WOODY: Hmmm, I’ve checked the body thoroughly and it seems that the Notary was administered a tiny amount of poison that would make him drowsy for just the amount of time it would take Tommy to borrow the Notary’s seal, stamp a document, return the seal and then leave. Tommy probably figured the Notary wouldn’t suspect a thing. HOWEVER, since the Notary had an allergy to some of the chemicals in the poison, the Notary died on the spot. Although the death was accidental, the poisoning was not.

LASSITER: Involuntary manslaughter. Tommy will get a much shorter sentence. A petty crime gone wrong.

SHAWN: Couldn’t the Notary die on an x, or on a dotted line instead of on the spot. Wouldn’t that be cooler.

GUS: Shawn! A notary can’t die on an x marks the spot. That’s ridiculous. He could die on a chair.

SHAWN: Or a gezebo. Or … wait a second, or a pagoda. But, that would probably only be a Japanese Notary.

GUS: Unless it was an American tourist Notary who was on vacation in a place where there are pagodas.

SHAWN: True, but would the American Notary carry their seal with them to Osaka to a pagoda and then just die there?

GUS: I don’t know. But, the Notary seal might drop out of his bag while he was bowing. When Americans bow, they bow too low. Japanese bow just a little bit — just the right amount.

SHAWN: How do you know so much about bowing?

GUS: I studied Hokkaido style karate — that is how I know. And if you studied that too, the knowledge would come from within you.

SHAWN: Right now the only thing coming from within me is an intense desire to eat a pineapple. Wanna share one?

GUS: Okay!

LASSITER: You guys are both insane. But, we cracked the case and we can all go home now, except for Tommy who’s going to do some real time.

SHAWN: Yes, unless he also finds a way to backdate his prison sentence!

.

You might also like:

Best Virtual Comedy Compilation Updated 2018
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

See our string of Psych episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=psych

Psychic – Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19126

Suicide – Notary Suicide Hotline
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6995

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January 2, 2022

Welcome to the Notary Hotel

Originally posted many years ago

Welcome to the Notary Hotel.

Borrower: “Hello, I’d like to file a formal complaint. The notary didn’t come with a complimentary continental breakfast!”
Clerk: “Sorry about that, but breakfast is only from 6am to 9am weekdays and from 7am to 10am on weekends.”
Borrower: “Also, the notary didn’t sanitize my thumb after thumb printing me!”
Clerk: “Oh, really, I’ll have to write that notary up!”
Borrower: “Aren’t I supposed to get a mint on the top of my loan document stack?”
Clerk: “Hmm, that is part of the Notary Hotel’s branding. I’m really sorry about that.”
Borrower: “Also, the Notary didn’t observe the don’t disturb sign while I was reading the Settlement Statement!”
Clerk: “Oh brother, it’s time we fire that Notary!”
Borrower: “I asked the Notary to give my wife a wake up call when the signing was finished. She fell asleep halfway through the Affidavit of Occupancy.”
Clerk: “It is safe to assume that the Notary failed to give you your complimentary wake up call. Tell me, was there anything good about your signing?”
Borrower: “Well, the Notary gave me some lemongrass moisturizer and a shower cap! I enjoyed those.”
Clerk: “So, there is a silver lining on the cloud next to every shower-head!”
Borrower: “The Notary wanted to kick us out three minutes before check out time while I was reading the automatic payment transfer authorization.”
Clerk: “I’ll add that comment to your file.”
Borrower: “At least I was given two hours of free wi-fi during my stay!”

Clerk: “Did you try out our unique cable T.V. system? You can get 328 complimentary channels including — the signing channel!”
Borrower: “You make me feel like I really missed out!”
Clerk: “Next week we’re having a special. Sign a line of credit while you’re in line for Belgian waffles.”
Borrower: “Oh, you’re going to make waffles for us?”
Clerk: “Not exactly, you stand in line so you can make them yourself. When you think about it, we should be paying you to stay here and stand in line so many times. You stand in line to check in, check out, use the shower for the “equity pool,” and also to make waffles! We’re going to have to do something about those lines!”
Borrower: “You’ve got a point there!”
Clerk: “I’m sorry you had a negative experience. To make it up to you, next time you stay with us, we’ll let you upgrade at no cost to one of our signature rooms, if one is available at the time of your stay!”
Borrower: “If a signature room is not available, I’ll assume that you’ll give me an upgrade to an ‘initial’ room, a condensed version of the same thing?”
Clerk: “Actually, I never thought of that, but we do have digital signature rooms that are also often available. Instead of having a key to the room, you get a password. The welcome mat is a huge signature scanning pad — you’ll love it. Digital Signature rooms come with virtual windows with views of anyplace in the world. The cable T.V. is also very different. Instead of paper-view, it comes with paperless-view because it’s digital.

Borrower: “The other thing that I didn’t understand is that my room key was in the shape of a stamp. Instead of swiping it in a reader like other hotels, I had to affix a digital stamp of my seal on what looked like a scanner. Very perplexing. My notary seal digital key also had commission room number 314 an expiration date of 11am the next morning. I guess that is check out time.”
Clerk: “Well, we like to maintain a notary theme at all times. After all, this is the Notary Hotel. Just thank god we don’t have eight digit commission room numbers on the digital seal!”

For those of you who want to visit the Notary Hotel, we have all the amenities. Swimming “equity pools”, business centers, tennis, movies, and of course an endless supply of complimentary blue pens. All you have to do is fax us an order confirmation and sign in once you arrive! Some people stay here their entire commissions!

Tweets:
(1) The Notary Hotel: Does my notarization come w/a wake up call?
(2) The Notary Hotel is so comfortable, some notaries stay there their entire commission.
(3) Their signing took place at The Notary Hotel & the wife requested a wakeup call after the signing was done.
(4) At The Notary Hotel: they didn’t observe the don’t disturb sign while I was reading the Settlement Statement!
(5) At The Notary Hotel, Showtime & HBO are free, but the Signing Channel costs $40 (not including fax backs)
(6) Check out the digital signature rooms at The Notary Hotel

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary Motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Notary RV Park
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16121

Notary Hotel 2 — the sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

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February 14, 2021

Do you take the $75 signings or save time for the $200 signings?

Filed under: Notary Fees & Pricing — admin @ 3:54 am

In my many years of being in the Notary directory business I have encountered many types of Notaries. Some work for cheap and try to make money with volume. Others try to do a great job for their customers and just do one or two jobs per day for a large sum of money. Then there are people who are clueless who take $40 jobs that are two hours away and end up just complaining only to take more jobs just like that in the future.

Every time you take a job, you are using up your phone time, patience, wear and tear on your car, gas, toner or wear and tear on your printer, paper, and more. Every time you drive somewhere, you should calculate how many minutes it took, how many miles, and whether they were highway or surface road miles. Highway miles put less wear on your car unless it is stop and go by the way. If you do a job for $40, and your total expenses are $15, and you put three hours into the job including phone calls, driving, signing, and dropping the package, you just made less than $12 per hour for your labor.

On the other hand, newer Notaries might have trouble attracting the higher paying jobs. So, if you turn down all of the lower paying work, you might not get any work, or might not have any work on particular days.

So, what do I recommend? You need a complicated pricing strategy. If people book in advance, you might offer them a lower price. That way you can keep your schedule medium booked. For same day orders, you can charge according to how your schedule looks.

Or, you could have a minimum price for signings. You could set your minimum at $90 and then charge extra for printing, long drives, and signings that are 150 pages or longer. For me, I charge based on my time.

Or you could book your first job of the day at a lower price, and then charge more for subsequent jobs. That way you will make money every day, and still have a shot at the big bucks.

Experienced Notaries often reject most jobs and stick to a much higher minimum like $125 or $150. They have the client base to be able to get away with that. If you have signed less than 5000 loans, you probably cannot command such high rates all of the time. You might get high pay on a third or a half of your signings, but not on all.

But, whatever you do, calculate the costs and time invested in each job, and try to figure out what your hourly rate would be for particular jobs before you accept a quote. And if you have signed less than 1000 loans, don’t be too picky because you need to pay your dues and get more experience so that you can become more valuable.

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January 11, 2021

Travel fees if nothing gets signed

Filed under: Notary Fees & Pricing — admin @ 10:55 pm

It is common for Notaries to go to a job where the signer refuses to sign, or the job gets cancelled. What can the Notary charge for a travel fee since he/she/they didn’t “do” anything? The answer is that the most important aspect of this issue is not what you charge but what you explain over the phone. The client/signer needs to be painfully (the more pain the better) aware that the notary’s schedule is not for free and that they have to pay x amount of dollars even if nothing gets done as well as waiting time.

It is a generally prudent policy to get travel fees in cash at the door upon arrival before seeing the signer. This is because you need to be able to be impartial and have no beneficial or financial interest in a document being signed. If your $50 travel fees is contingent on Sammy signing the Affidavit, you will be tempted to notarize it even if the ID doesn’t match completely. As a Notary, you need to not be tempted to wiggle on state notary rules, and having your travel fee in your pocket puts the power and integrity back in your pocket. It’s hard to be integrous when money is at stake.

If someone gives you $40 travel fee which includes the first 20 minutes waiting time, and then keeps you waiting more than that, since you have the $40 in your pocket, you can demand cash for the next twenty minutes or threaten to walk. People will string you along in this line of work so it is important to keep the upper hand, or as Mrs. Meao likes to say — the upper paw!

The bottom line is that communication of signing fees over the phone before the signing is the most important solution to the travel fee issue. Fail to communicate — you might not get paid at all. So, communicate not only what the client will have to pay, but terms and conditions for what gets paid when and how much. Also, be careful with checks. Signers who cancel jobs sometimes bounce checks or stop payment. It happened to me after a very time consuming jail job. I bet Mrs. Meao would have something to say about that!

You might also like:

Why are the fees offered to us so low?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22293

What are mobile notary fees?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21383

See our “fees” category
http://blog.123notary.com/?cat=2070

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December 2, 2020

Everything you need to know about writing a great notes section

Originally posted Feb 1, 2016.

Most Notaries underestimate how critical it is to have an amazing notes section on your listing on 123notary.com. They just write how they are background screened and have E&O insurance. They stop there. Yes, this is important information and it can be a deal breaker if you don’t have the right background screening from the right agency, etc. However, the Notaries who get lots of work from 123notary tend to have 123notary certifications, reviews from satisfied clients and a very thorough notes section. So, what is the secret? The secret is to be specific, unique and well organized in what you write about yourself.

(1) Selling Features
The top of your notes section should stress selling features. What can you say about yourself that others might not be able to say that would make someone want to hire you. “I’m reliable.” Everyone claims to be reliable, and then they show up late making a mockery out of their claim. Try something that you can put your finger on. But, I really am reliable? Yes, but your notes section can’t prove it — so skip it. Instead, let’s think about what types of loans you know how to sign. Don’t just say, “all types.” List them one by one. Do you have some unusual qualifications? Were you Notary of the year? Do you do jail or hospital signings? Are you fluent in Uzbekistani hill dialects? These are things that help you stand out. Were you a CEO of a Mortgage company? That helps too. If you have Escrow, Title, Underwriting, Processing, Settlement, or general Mortgage experience, that is a huge plus on your notes section. Make sure to indicate that high in your notes. Remember — the first 200 characters of your notes show up on the search results for your area, so digress to impress! (actually don’t digress, but use that space to squeeze in as many selling features as possible)

(2) Specialties
One of the most valuable pieces of information you can include in your notes are your specialties. Instead of bragging about how you are error-free or dependable (which nobody wants to read,) instead list the types of loans you know how to sign, types of major documents or procedures you are familiar with. Do you go to airports, offices, or jails? Do you do Weddings or Apostilles? People are very impressed when you have highly specialized skills, so mention them.

(3) # of loans signed
Most Notaries up date the # of loans signed once in four years. When I mention that their profile says they signed 200 loans, they say, “Oh, that was five years ago. I must have forgotten to login — I’ll go in there.” You need to “go in there” and update your info every few months or you will have information that is collecting cyber-dust.

(4) What is hot and what is not?
Radiuses are hot. If you have a wide radius, tell the world. 100 mile radius shows you are serious (or crazy.) Last minute signings are a good thing to mention. Do you accept faxes or are willing to do fax backs? That narrows it down. Are you background screened? Is it by NNA or Sterling or someone else — if you’re screened by the wrong agency, you don’t get the job! Do you know how to do eSignings? That will make you stand out!

(5) Professional memberships and certifications
Are you NNA Certified, Notary2Pro certified, 123notary certified, or trained by some other agency. It is impressive especially if you have four or five certifications. Mention these as well as your memberships. But, please don’t say you are an NNA member in good standing. The only way to be in bad standing with any agency is by not paying your bills or perhaps being convicted of a felony.

(6) What is unique about your service?
Is there something unique about the way you do your work? Or do you have a catchy unique phrase about yourself? It is very hard for most people to think of anything unique about themselves. But, if you really put some thought into it over an extended period of time you might come up with something good. We have two blog articles below with some of the best unique information we’ve ever seen.

(7) Avoid vagueness
Did you work for 10 years in the legal industry? What does this mean? Were you the company president or did you mop the floor for an Attorney. State your job title or what you did very clearly. If you were a legal secretary of Paralegal, that is good to know. Not a selling feature. Additionally, try to be specific about your claims. Rather than saying how good you are with people, give a concrete example of how you are good with people, or what experience you have that proves you are good with people.

Also read:
General (vague) vs. specific information in your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4602

(8) Avoid restating information
Many Notaries restate their company name, their company mission, phone and email in your notes. Your notes is to give additional information about your service, and not to restate what the reader already knows. Remember, those top 200 characters go in the search results, and if you say, “We are here to serve” nobody will click on you.

(9) Counties served
There are 12 boxes where you can indicate your counties served. If you wish to restate this info in your notes, put it near the bottom as this is not a selling feature. If you want to indicate which parts of which counties you serve, the notes section is the only place to go into such detail. Others choose to mention specific towns or cities served. Please avoid stating which zip codes you go to as that is too nit-picky.

(10) Writing about your mentor
New Notaries always want to bend my ear about how they don’t have experience, but their mentor has signed 10,000 loans and they have been to many signings with their mentor. After hearing ten minutes about their mentor I say, “I’ll hire him — I’m convinced — But, I wouldn’t hire you in a million years because you don’t stand on your two feet!” Don’t talk about your mentor. Talk about what training programs you have passed.

(11) Writing about your Real Estate background
Notaries regularly write, “I am a Realtor and therefor am familiar with the documents.” But, when I quiz them on the documents they fail almost every time. Also, many Notaries will write three paragraphs about their Real Estate business or Process Serving, etc. People are coming to 123notary to find a great Notary, not a Real Estate agent. If you want to quickly mention in the middle of your notes that you are a Realtor, that is fine, but don’t make it the central point of your notes.

(12) Educational background
If you want to write about your degrees or former professional experience, unless it is Mortgage related, it should go in the middle or lower middle part of the notes as it is not critical information in the eyes of the reader.

(13) Equipment
Yes, you can write about your equipment. Sometimes we recommend using bullet points for quick points such as E&O, certifications, and equipment. You can mention what type of printer, scanner, fax, or mobile office you have. Just don’t put this up top. It belongs in the middle or lower middle of your notes.

(14) Closing statements
Some Notaries choose to have a closing statement while others don’t. We like it when Notaries do. You can say, “Thanks for visiting my listing.” Or say something a little more unique.

(15) Don’t jumble everything in one paragraph
A good notes section is divided into several logical sections. We normally like to see an intro with selling features, an about you paragraph, some bullet points, and a closing statement. There are many formats for winning notes section and you can decide what is best for you.

(16) Ask for help
123notary gives free notes makeovers. However, we cannot write the content for you. We can filter and reorganize it though. When we redo people’s notes sections they average an increase of 55% more clicks per day to their listing. So, ask! And get some reviews on your listing while you’re at it!

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Other Great Notes Articles

How to write a notes section if you have no experience
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4173

10 quick changes to your notes that can double your calls
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4499

What goes where in your notes?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1076

2014 excerpts from great notes sections
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13613

Unique phrases from people’s notes sections
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14690

Stating the obvious in your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14146

A Notary included a copy of her testimonial in her notes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4680

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November 7, 2020

A comprehensive guide to Notary organizations

Originally published in 2016

Are you a Notary? Do you want to join some Notary organizations? There are many of them out there. Some help educate Notaries while others have helplines or hotlines. Some sell Notary supplies while others help Notaries advertise their services.

123notary.com
http://www.123notary.com/
123notary.com has been around since 1999 and helps Notaries advertise their Mobile Notary services online. Title, Escrow, Signing Companies, Attorneys and individuals love using 123notary to find some of the best trained and most experienced Notaries anywhere. 123notary also sells loan signing courses and has a very entertaining and informative blog. Check out their list of signing companies with reviews to see who you should and shouldn’t be working for.

National Notary Association
https://www.nationalnotary.org/
The NNA has been around since 1957 as a California Notary Association to help Notaries with educational resources and tools. In 1964 it became a National Association. NNA sells Notary supplies, errors & omissions insurance, education to help pass the Notary exam and become a signing agent, andmore… Advertise your signing agent services on signingagent.com

Notary Rotary
http://www.notaryrotary.com
Notary Rotary has been around for decades and offers a very potent way for Notaries to advertise their services. They also sell seals, and E&O insurance. Signing Agents can place an add and get found based on how close they are to the zip code being searched for.

SnapDocs
http://www.snapdocs.com/
This organization makes it easy to find newer Notaries who work for cheap as well as providing a system for downloading documents. More seasoned Notaries are complaining that SnapDocs is contributing to the lowering of fees in the industry. We recommend this organization for newer Notaries who want to get their foot in the door.

American Society of Notaries
http://www.notaries.org/
ASN offers a phoneline for technical support just in case Notaries have a question while on the job. They also sell Notary supplies and more.

American Association of Notaries
http://www.notarypublicstamps.com
Buy your stamps from the AAN!

Notary Café
https://notarycafe.com/
Notary Cafe is a smaller directory of Notaries that seems to specialize in the more serious Notaries. We do not have records to show how popular their directory has been in the last few years, but they have been popular for a long time.

Pennsylvania Association of Notaries
https://www.notary.org/
Need help becoming a Notary in Pennsylvania? Try this organization.

California Association of Notaries
http://www.calnotaries.com/
This is yet another Notary directory.

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You might also like:

Snapdocs — see our feed for posts about this company
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=snapdocs

The Towles Booth (pronounced Tolls)
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9456

Why the Notary industry went South
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16500

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