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December 30, 2016

Home a Loan

Filed under: Movie Themes — Tags: — admin @ 9:41 pm

Most of us have seen the movie Home Alone, but have you seen Home a Loan? A ten year old kid’s parents foolishly signed a loan that would ruin them financially. The kid intuitively knew it would be a disaster, but his parents ignored his protests. The rates were too high, the APR made no sense, and the items (fees) on the closing disclosure were completely unreasonable.

One night, the child’s parents went out for dinner and left him all alone. Little did they know what would happen. There was a terrible earthquake that divided the city in half. They had no way to get home, and no way to call. Meanwhile on the home front, the creditors were trying to invade the house like zombies in a horror movie. Mr. Smith who worked for Fidelity National parked his SUV, and was walking towards the house with his arms held forward. The little boy was terrified, and locked the doors and windows. Then, Mrs. Finkle from Wells Investments came — also in a transe and her face was completely gray. After forty minutes, there were twelve vehicles parked in front of the house, all SUV’s, and all with zombie loan officers or lenders.

The little boy was very brave. He grabbed a samurai sword his parents had purchased during their trip to the East. He went after those crazy lenders and threatened to cut their heads off if they didn’t beat it. Luckily for the little boy, the lenders walked back to their SUV’s and drove off.

What actually happened was that a voodoo priestess had done a magic spell and put it in some ashes in her house not far away. The spell on the ashes was to bring terrible luck to any Lender who had acted in a corrupt manner, and that they would all be turned to zombies. After walking around town, the little boy heard a rumor about the magic spell. He went to the priestess’ house and begged her to reverse the spell or do something so that these zombies wouldn’t come back.

She said that the spell was irreversible. The boy panicked. But, on a brighter note she said that she could round up the zombies and put them in her basement. At this point, the zombies were wandering around in their SUV’s completely lost, and unable to get passed the broken roads that were damaged in the earthquake.

MOM: Wake up Brian

BRIAN: Mom, there was a terrible earthquake, and you couldn’t get back home and…

MOM: It was a small earthquake and we came right back home to make sure you are okay.

BRIAN: And what about the zombies?

MOM: You were just having a bad dream. You left the heater on and all that heat can cause nightmares.

BRIAN: So, your loan is okay?

MOM: We’re a month behind on payments, but we will be okay!


May 21, 2015

Scary Movie 37 for notaries

Filed under: Movie Themes — Tags: — admin @ 10:58 am

APRIL: Susan, let’s watch this Notary instructional video. It will show us how to get through the entire loan signing process. Then, we can take the “Notary For Show” certification exam.

SUSAN: I always wanted to do something for show. (puts tape in)

NOTARY: As you can see, we are gathered here today…. to teach….

APRIL: Oh my God, his face is melting.

NOTARY: You will die, but midnight unless you get a signed Affidavit…

SUSAN: Do you think he’s serious?

APRIL: I’ve seen movies like this where people really do die.

(The notary comes out from the screen and chases them around the house with his seal)


NOTARY: No, don’t run. Just sign this form. Then my boss says I can leave you alone.

SUSAN: You believe him?

APRIL: Well, it’s better than being neutralized by his magical seal. (April signs the document)

NOTARY: Now, all hell will break loose.

APRIL: You mean you deceived us?

NOTARY: No, You’ll live now, but you’ll have to deal with the spirits from hell you just unleashed by signing this. It’s all part of the bargain.

APRIL: No, it isn’t.

SUSAN: She didn’t agree to this.

APRIL: No, it’s not that. The Notary never affixed his seal to the document. No seal, no spirits!

NOTARY: Good point. Okay. I’m filling in the certificate wording and affixing my seal. I’ll need to check your ID please. Done. Now, the spirits may haunt you — forever!!!!

(Notary disappears back into the television — spirits start flying around the room)

SUSAN: What do you spirits want

SPIRITS: Oh, we thought this was an audition for a part in Scary Movie 36.

SUSAN: No dummie, this is Scary Movie 37. You are a few years late.

SPIRITS: Well, you know how it is in the spirit realm. We lose track of time.

(Knock knock)

SUSAN: That’s probably someone in a ski mask with a chain saw.

SALESPERSON: Hello, you probably are wondering why I am selling life insurance to someone so young like yourself.

APRIL: We’re not buying. We don’t need life insurance.

SALESPERSON: Well, perhaps you should, because you never know when you will… what’s a polite way to put this.

SUSAN: Pass on?

SALESPERSON: That’s right. There have been a lot of murders in the neighborhood recently. Don’t you want your family to be taken care of if something unfortunate happens?

CHAINSAW GUY: I’ll kill you!

SUSAN: I knew he would show up. Let’s run into the street.

APRIL: Thank God, that hearst will see us and save us.

(both jump into the Hearst)

DEAD PERSON: Which way are you headed

APRIL: Aren’t you afraid? He’s dead!

SUSAN: Better dead than the guy with the chainsaw. Take us to the county clerk. We need to check on some notary record archives. The notary who notarized something for us… Well, how can I put this politely.

DEAD PERSON: Did he pass on? And his journals were delived to the county clerk’s office?

SUSAN: Wow, you are the smartest dead person I have ever met.

DEAD PERSON: Now, keep your eyes open. Watch for the locust infestation.

SUSAN & ALICE: Ahhhhhhhhh! Help!!!!


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May 15, 2015

Dumb and Dumberer for Notaries

Filed under: Movie Themes,Popular on Linked In — Tags: — admin @ 8:15 am

Harry and Lloyd set out to become notaries. Little did society (or the county clerk) know that they would be the dumbest notaries in human recorded history.

HARRY: I just got my new notary stamp.

LLOYD: Don’t forget to lick the stamp before you use it.

HARRY: Ha! I’m already ahead of you, my friend. (Sticking out tongue and revealing indented tongue from embosser.)

LLOYD: (sticking out his tongue) No, you’re not. I licked your notary stamp first!

HARRY: Ewwww. That means I licked where your tongue already was.

LLOYD: Ewwww.

HARRY: Hey, I’m going to my first notary assignment tomorrow. Wanna come for moral support and tips?

LLOYD: I guess. But, why do I have to tip you if you’re doing the job for someone else?

(at the assignment)

SAMANTHA: Thanks so much for coming. It’s so hard to find a Notary at the last minute.

HARRY: It’s the last minute?!!! Oh no, we’re all going to die!!!!

SAMANTHA: It’s a figure of speech. There will be other minutes.

LLOYD: Oooh. Pretty… and smart!

(Harry had Samantha sign the journal inside the book cover like an autograph. Then he attached a certificate to the documents. He wasn’t sure if Samantha was a guy or a chick, so he crossed on the he/she/they, used white out and wrote “it” in handwriting. What a dumb thing to do.)

HARRY: Done!

LLOYD: Aren’t you forgetting something?

HARRY: Oh yeah… (he licks his stamp after he affixed it. Luckily Samantha was too dumb to know the difference)

SAMANTHA: Thanks so much. I might need help next week with a lien.

HARRY & LLOYD: We’re good at that — watch this. (they both lean, bracing themselves against the wall.)

SAMANTHA: And a Quaker friend will need a notarization with an Oath.

HARRY: No problem. I’ll bring a box of them!

(The next day, a call came in from Dave who needed a notary for his Affidavit of Statute of Limitations for his Attorney) In looking up Harry’s profile, he noticed he’d written that he was a hard worker and had a professional misdemeanor.

DAVE: Hi, I’ll need a Notary. Can you meet me in the park for the notarization? It’s near my Attorney’s office.

HARRY: Your attorney lives in a park? Cool! I know this great fountain where we can meet.

(They both arrive. At the fountain where there is a statue)

DAVE: I’m so glad you could help. Here’s my document.

HARRY: Document? I already did the work, dude. See my seal over there? It’s on the statue of limitations. It was hard to find a clean spot next to all the bird droppings. Maybe that’s why it’s so limited. The person assigned to keep it clean is also limited if you ask me.

DAVE: What? You birdbrain!

HARRY: Thanks! Not that I’m smart enough to crap on a statue.

(The third day, he did a notarization for Luke)

HARRY: Okay Luke, you called for Quaker oats, and I brought you two boxes. Wanna warm some up?

LUKE: No Harry, I didn’t want Quaker Oats, I wanted Quaker Oaths.

HARRY: Oh, so that’s the part of the manual I read wrong. Let me get my hat. Okay, now swear.

LUKE: That’s not how it’s done. I’ve been to many notaries before.

HARRY: So, how do you do an Oath? This is my first commission, and probably my last if I don’t get suspended or held back a year.

LUKE: You start by asking a question, like, do you swear that you agree to the terms in this agreement?

HARRY: Do, I &%$-ing swear to agree to the &%#-ing terms in your &$#-ing agreement? I &%#-ing do swear!

LUKE: It’s not that kind of swearing, it’s the type of swearing like when you swear to tell the truth.

HARRY: Ohhhh. Well, I &%$-ing do swear to tell the &*$%-ing truth.

LUKE: I also need a Will notarized.

LLOYD: And a way?

LUKE: A way to notarize the will?

LLOYD: Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Here’s something I never got about legal documents. If there’s a will, why isn’t there also a won’t?

HARRY: Because they won’t want a Won’t — that’s why they call it “Won’t.”

LLOYD: Oh, that actually kind of makes sense.

HARRY: Okay, anything else?

LUKE: I heard that you could do e-signatures too?

HARRY: No, I don’t mess with that. I heard some Notary dude got electrocuted doing an e-signature. I saw a picture of him in the paper with his hair all frizzled. That’s a “don’t try this at home” type of notarization.

LUKE: Okay, thanks.

(The fourth day, they were asked to help sign a loan. The loan docs were late, so Harry took matters into his own hands.)

HARRY: What are the documents supposed to be in a loan?

LLOYD: Well, there is a Deed. So, we could do a Deed. Then there’s the Note. I have a note from my gym teacher saying I’m not fit to play volleyball. And if they don’t like that, I have this G# I lifted from music class. There is a Right to Cancel too. I could draw that up on my computer. Then, there is a HUB. I could bring the hub cap that’s been sitting on the corner for about a week. Here, help me. I want to put all of this in a box so we’ll be prepared.

HARRY: Lloyd — you’re the greatest friend a guy could have! And one of the smartest, and most prepared friends too!

LLOYD: If a smart guy like you thinks so, it must be true!


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June 23, 2014

Bond. Notary Bond.

Filed under: Movie Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 12:47 am

How come there is a James Bond, but no Notary Bond!
Okay, there is a Notary Surety Bond, but that is a contractual agreement, not a person. I’m talking about a dude!

Notary Bond — spy, assassin, and Notary Public at large!

Notary Bond: “This is 007 reporting for active duty, I’m awaiting my instructions.”
Boss: “Just hold tight for the moment. We have a signing in San Diego coming up.”
Notary Bond: “Is it near a ski lift? I enjoy the drama of running for my life on and near ski lifts.”
Boss: “How about being chased on a surf board and then having Mexican lobster bits in Old Town?”
Notary Bond: “I have no objections!”

In the mean time, with absolute Surety — Notary Bond or “Notary Surety Bond” goes for a drink in Rancho Santa Fe, where the local multi-millionaires live!

Bar Tender: “Welcome, what can I do you in for?”
Notary Bond: “I’d like my signature drink — a Notarial Martini — shaken, not stirred”
Bar Tender: “May I see your license and E&O insurance please?”
Notary Bond: “Not a problem – here it is…”
Bar Tender: “Oh, (pause) you’re…”
Notary Bond: “Yes, I’m… well, I prefer not to discuss that in mixed company.”
Bond Girl: “Hi I’m Jessica”
Notary bond: “You’re irresistible Jessica!”
Bond Girl: “Thanks. I notice those two men at the other end of the bar staring at you. There are two other men wearing black in a car staring at them. What’s this all about?”
Notary Bond: “Not to worry. I’ll take care of it after a quick trip to the rest room. By the way, you are as beautiful as Trump’s 2nd wife!”
Bond Girl: “You mean first wife”
Notary Bond: “My mistake. Luckily that type of mistake will not be my last.”
Bond Girl: “Well, if it was, it would be short lived!”
Notary Bond: “Finish this for me!”
———- (he dives over the bar… gunshots ring out.. next thing you know you see the black BMW driving off and the two scary looking guts with their throats slit squirming on the side walk)———-

The two guys watching Bond from their table were looking in the bathroom for Bond while Bond had slipped out the kitchen back door and to the car which he stole after resolving the problem of the two passengers. Notary Bond swerved and turned through the twisty and hilly San Diego County roads on his way to Encinitas beach to go surfing to his underwater hideout — equipped with oxygen tanks.

2 Guys: “We’ve got his girl kidnapped. Let’s find him. Luckily for us, we have GPS tracking for the car he stole.”
Notary bond: “Off to go surfing. And I can’t think of a more perfect day. I hope my wet suit is ready!”
2 Guys: “There he is! He’s running towards the water in his wet suit.”
Notary Bond: “I need to get 200 feet out and then I’m good.”

Meanwhile the bad guys have a motor boat waiting for them and beat Bond to the sea level coordinates of his underwater hideout. But, Bond disappears!!!

2 Guys: “He was here two seconds ago, what happened? His surfboard is still here? He didn’t have tanks! How long can he hold his breath?”
Notary Bond: “I couldn’t help but overhear that someone was looking for me!”
2 Guys: “Drop the gun or the girl dies!”
Notary Bond: “She means nothing to me!”
2 Guys: “Why does he always say that? Then you don’t mind if we throw her into our shark tank down below?”
Notary Bond: “Yes, I do mind, because I want to throw that double-crosser in myself!”

Notary Bond drags the girl by her hair to the shark tank. Bang Bang. Bond’s accomplice secretly boarded the boat from his underwater compound, kills the bad guys. Now it is off to Mexico for a little R&R.

Notary Bond: “All in a day’s work — actually, that only took 22 minutes! Hello, this is 007 reporting to base. Mission accomplished, but next time can you send me a blonde? I’m tired of brunettes…”

(1) Notary Bond: “This is 007 reporting for active duty, I’m awaiting my instructions.”
(2) Hello, this is 007: Mission accomplished, but next time can you send me a blonde? I’m tired of brunettes…”


January 13, 2014

Honey, I notarized the kids (don’t try this at home)

We were expecting a notary
It was about nine o’clock. We were expecting a notary at the house to do a refinance. My wife Molly had been away all week. It was an investment property and Molly did not need to be here to sign. The kids would just not go to sleep…

“Why can’t we watch TV anymore?” Joey whined.

“Because someone is coming. Someone from the bank is coming to see us…”

“Who? Do I have to be good? Do I have to stay in my room?”

Joey started chasing Milly around the house… “Joey! Milly! STOP THAT– stop running or the notary monster will notarize you!”

“What’s ‘notarize’? Who does that? What is it?” Milly squeaked.

“The notary has this big clamp. He puts it on the paper we are signing… and if you are not good, he will clamp you with it, too. And it will hurt!”

Joey jumped up and tried to touch the lamp hanging from the ceiling. At that moment, the bulb popped…

“That’s IT!!! You’re done!!!” I yelled. Just then the doorbell rang.

The Notary arrives
I opened the door. It was Mr. Eugene the notary. He was about 5′ tall, with black hair streaked with gray…and he had dark inky circles around his eyes. He carried a notary bag and walked with a limp toward the table. “I’m Mr. Eugene,” he pointed out.

“Eugene– great to meet you. We are going to whip through these documents…but we might also want to notarize these kids,” I winked. But let’s do the signing first.”

We did whip through the documents. He was a thorough notary, and seemed very intent on every detail. When we were done, I asked, “May I see you in my office here?” I led the way…

Would you wear this mask?
I shut the door so we would have a moment away from the kids. “I sort of threatened the kids; they’re really being bad this week… Would you help me ? I made this stamp out of this cardboard…and this costume…I’m going to–would you wear this mask? It will look really scary…”

“I really shouldn’t do this… ” he looked blank.

I decided then and there to be the notary monster myself.
I had cut up an inkpad (I had one from my clerical days) and made a cardboard stamp that read “notarized.” The stamp was 6″ across and looked scary…especially when I inked it up with black ink. I put on the two-headed black monster mask, adjusted it, put on the cloak, grabbed the seal… Mr. Eugene followed me out of the room. He looked worried.

“Where are you kids?” I bellowed in a strange, foreign, angry voice. The stamp said notarized backwards turned like a mirror image…

“No! NO!” yelled the kids, running away from me…” I caught them just as they were headed into the garage… and stamped each of them on their foreheads…then all over their arms and legs…

Just then the phone rang…
Just then the phone rang. It was my wife, Molly. “Honey, I notarized the kids.”

“What do you mean?” she asked. I heard the door slam. It was Mr. Eugene.

“I’ll explain later… I can explain… Don’t call the police.”

(1) Kid: “Do I have to be good?” Mom: “Stop running or that Notary monster will notarize you!”
(2) The stamp said “notarized” backwards turned like a mirror image. The kids were terrified.
(3) I decided then and there to be the notary monster myself.
(4) The notary has this big clamp, and if you’re not good, he’ll clamp you with it, and it will hurt!
(5) I cut up an ink pad and made a cardboard box that read “notarized” backwards like a mirror image.
(6) Frank: “Honey, I notarized the kids.”
Molly: “What do you mean?”
Frank: “I’ll explain later, don’t call the police!”


December 29, 2013

Notarize This

Filed under: Movie Themes — admin @ 4:53 am

Notarize This

Notarize This” is a movie about a mafia notary and a Jewish shrink. It all starts out when Anthony is tired of the way his life is going.

Anthony: “I hate going to the gym and doing those hand strengthening exercises. All of my friends twisted my arm into doing it so I wouldn’t have a wimpy handshake”
David: “I understand how you feel. My friends are the same way. Well — not about the handshake thing, but about other things. They all want me to go to this writing workshop. Personally, I feel it is worthless unless you actually LIKE writing.”
Anthony: “Well, I think my handshake is good enough as it is. Let me show you.”
David: “I’m not sure if that’s a good id…… OOOOOOOOUCH — – LET GO OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup, it is more than adequate.”
Anthony: “That’s what I told them, but they keep trying to get me to do more. Then there’s this other thing we do at the gym. We have this simulated leg thing, and we…”
David: “I think I see where this is going. I prefer not to hear the details. What about all the shady people you have to notarize. How do you feel about that?”
Anthony: “At first I kinda liked it. But, after I started reading the notary handbook, I realized that a lot of the stuff I’m being asked to do, isn’t exactly completely legal. I don’t wanna do no time in the can for that.”
David: “I see. I think we are getting somewhere. Have there been any requests that just rubbed you the wrong way?”
Anthony: “Actually, now that you mention it, I was asked to notarize Sully, but under the name Frankie. That really made me mad.”
David: “Have you ever tried hitting a pillow? Maybe that might make you feel better. It works for many people”

Anthony gets out this giant gold plated notary seal and rams the pillow on the sofa so hard that the sofa overturns.
Anthony: “Hmmm, you’re right. I never did that before. That DOES make me feel better.”

The next day

David is getting groceries and is about to load those groceries in the car
Guido: “Get in the car”
David: “But, what about my…” (smash… all of the eggs break)

David gets in the car as Guido grabs him from behind. The car is filled with Guido’s associates.
Guido: “We think you might know something about the notarization that Anthony was requested to do yesterday?”
David: “Well, as a shrink, I am sworn to secrecy. It is like being a priest in many ways.”
Guido: “Good, make sure none-a-dat gets disclosed to nobody — capiche?”
David: “Capiche! OWWWW…. let go of my %@$’s”
Guido: “Make sure dat doesn’t get out there”
David: “It won’t, believe me it won’t”.

That evening
Anthony: “I heard that my friends had a get together with you. Sorry about the groceries. I bought you a few things. They don’t like me seeing you by

the way.”
David: “I figured that out”
Anthony: “But, honestly nobody will be able to get that information out of you.”
David: “Really?”
Anthony: “Come with me”

Anthony and David go to the roof.
Anthony: “Come hear”
David: “I am here”
Anthony: “No –, not there here — here here…”
David: “Why?”
Anthony: “Just come here, I’m going to teach you something valuable, like what you would have learned if you had gone to those writing workshops”
David: “Oh…, I understand”
David: “Oh my god….. You’re actually dangling me off a building… I’m 100 feet above the ground. There goes my laundry money”
Anthony: “Are you scared? Are you gonna tell me about the Sully notarization?”
David: “What Sully notarization?”
Anthony: “You know da one I’m talkin’ about — the Sully notarization, where Sully is Frankie?”
David: “There was no such notarization. Someone who I don’t know asked you to do it, but you never did it”
Anthony: “Exactly — you know something — you’re smart — I like that! You ain’t gonna talk. You’re safe!”

At the end of the movie, the mafia guys who don’t like Anthony associating with David end up in jail, and Anthony goes straight. David
does a great job of making a model citizen of Anthony — well, apart from the thing with the pillow — but, we’ll overlook that.