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January 25, 2022

Vampire Notaries: 24 hour service

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Popular on Twitter 2011,Popular Overall,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 12:04 am

This was originally published in 2013

It was a dark and rainy night.
A couple called a company called Vampire Notaries for a late night signing.

The company’s motto was:
“We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”

They were going to sign a simple affidavit. The couple thought the business name of the notary sounded romantic in an erie way. In any case, the vampire(s) showed up a the appointed time.

It was 2am on a rainy night. There was thunder; There was lightening. The couple was cozying up next to the fireplace sipping wine. Then, there was a slow, but emphatic knock on the door. Knock………… knock……….. knock………. Each knock was heavy and decisive, but not frighteningly loud. There was a four second pause between each knock.

Two seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. They both had clean cut hair, and were clean shaven. Everything was normal about these two guys, or at least, so it seemed. The only distinguishing aspect of their appearance was their long black coats. But, it was raining, so perhaps they needed a long trenchcoat, right? Or, was this part of their usual attire?

The couple asked why there were two of them. The answer was, “We like to work in pairs”. The couple gave each other a weird look, and then they asked what was next. Vampire #1 asked to see their identification. The couple gladly handed their drivers licenses over. Vampire #1 stared at the picture of the lady, and said, “That’s a nice picture, you have nice rosy cheeks… you must have good circulation! Do you work out?” Next, Vampire #1 wanted to see the documents. The couple was instructed to sign the documents. Next, it was time for pawprints. Vampire #2 asked for a right thumbprint from the husband. At this point, the wife asked, “Aren’t you asking for a lot? The next thing you will ask for is a DNA sample, a retinal scan, or even a BLOOD SAMPLE.”.

At this point, Vampire #1 exclaimed,
“Funny you should mention that” — and gave a knowing glance to the the other vampire.

Then it was time for the wife’s thumbprint. The husband said to Vampire #2, “You really do spend a lot of time looking over my shoulders and breathing down my neck. Vampire #2 said, “They don’t call us Vampire Notaries for nothing!”. Finally, the wife noticed that Vampire #1 was doing 90% of the work. She asked why one Vampire did almost all of the work. Vampire #2 explained, “I prefer to watch!” — with a delighted look on his face.

After the notary work was all done, the couple paid the notaries. But, Vampire #2 said, “We are not done yet”. The wife asked, “What more could we possibly do?”. Vampire #2 walked over to his briefcase, and whipped out four dixie cups and announced, “It’s time for our midnight elixer!”. Vampire #1 brought a small bottle of sangria, he glanced at the couple’s Anderson Valley Syrah and said, “You are drinking the WRONG type of wine!”.

So, all four of them enjoyed a two ounce sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD) from their little chalices. After that, the vampires were about to part ways with this young couple. The lady said to the man, “They seemed nice, but that was a little strange”.

Right before the vampires walked out the front door, Vampire #1 whipped out a purple light. The couple saw what these guys looked like in the light, and their eyes turned a very disconcerting color, and their teeth turned color too, emphasizing their fangs.

“Oh my god”, screamed the wife.

“Fare well”, retorted the vampires… and left, with the door making a medium-loud clunk as it closed.

The next day, the couple woke up. Everything seemed normal. The husband brushed his teeth. The wife took her shower. They enjoyed a slow breakfast with all of the usual items. Then, it was time for a kiss before going to work. But, the wife noticed something.

“Fred, What are those strange marks on your neck?”

Tweets:
(1) The company’s motto was: “We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”
(2) 2 seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. It was raining, so maybe they needed trenchcoats, right?
(3) Wife: “The next thing you will ask for is a blood sample.”
Vampire Notary: “Funny you should mention that.”
(4) Vampire Notary: “I like your ID picture. You have nice rosy cheeks, you must have good circulation, do you work out?”
(5) After the signing w/Vampire Notary, the 4 of them enjoyed a sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD)
(6) The day after the signing w/the Vampire Notaries the wife asked: “Fred, what are those strange marks on your neck?”
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Top 12 things to do when you are on hold
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Notarization for an exorcism
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20948

The 24 hour icon and what means
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19455

Notary with Tourettes Symdrome
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18999

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January 24, 2022

Notary Happy Days Goes to China!

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:29 pm

This was originally published many years ago.

Intro Joke:
A New Yorker was in the middle of downtown Shanghai with his wife and
kid. They walk into a restaurant where everybody in sight is Chinese
and nobody speaks a word of English.

The wife asks, “Where’s the bathroom?”
His kid asks, “Do you have egg rolls?”
And the guy asks, “Is the food authentic?”

I grew up watching Happy Days. I loved Richie, Potsie, Chachi, and
the gang. But, a Notary recently had to fly to Shanghai to do a
notarization for the Chinese version of Happy Days called “Yu-Kuai
Tian” which loosely translated means cheerful or happy day(s).

A Notary was called in to do a notarization for the staff of Yu-Kuai
Tian. He thought the notarization would be for a screenplay or a
writer’s contract. Boy, was he wrong.

NOTARY: Hi, I’m here for the notarization.

MANAGER: Solly no Yingrish! You wait!

ASSISTANT: Oh yes, we have been expecting you.

NOTARY: So, who am I signing for? One of the managers or the writers?

ASSISTANT: Oh, they didn’t tell you? You’re signing for the Chinese
Henry Winkler — “The Fong.” He’s late today because he was out last
night with one of his lady friends. One of his classier girlfiends who
doesn’t slurp when she eats her shark fin delight of three soup.

NOTARY: Sounds like an Ayy! One gal.

ASSISTANT: He’s out in back finishing repairing the transmission in a
rickshaw. He won’t be ready for you until 3pm. You can try one of our local restaurants.
They are quite good.

NOTARY: Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll try the one with the green
sign. I’ll just hope for the best.

ASSISTANT: But, before you go, please meet Mr. Yu and his guys. We
call them Yu’s guys!

NOTARY: Okay, how Yu’s guys doin’? This is how we talk in New York by the way.

(At the restaurant with the green sign. All of the staff are Chinese
and speak almost no English and all of the customers without exception
are Chinese as it is in downtown Shanghai.)

WAITER: Hello, I your waiter. My name Cha-Chee Wang.

NOTARY: You’re kidding. Cha-chee, like in Yu-Kuai Tian?

WAITER: Yes, I work there on my off day as wing man for The Fong. With my husband, Jo-Nee.
Jo-Nee love Cha-Chee.

NOTARY: I don’t care what I eat, but there is one thing that matters to me.

WAITER: You like dish called Potsie Sticker. It kind of dumpling.

NOTARY: Well, what I wanted to know is — is the food authentic?

WAITER: Yeah, food authentic all right. Half hour after you eat, you hungry to breathe
Oxygen. We in China after all. No Americanized food here. We don’t even know what that mean.
But, today long day. Potsie also work here. He having worst day in life. He so
out of it, it take him half hour to make “minute fried rice.”

NOTARY: Well maybe you should have Joannie come and help him.

WAITER: We try, but Joannie Chan busy. Anyway, one order of Potsie
Sticker coming up. By the way, last week was Chinese New Year – year
of the monkey, but sorry, we not serve monkey here. Try down street.
Delicacy — very expensive.

NOTARY: Thanks, but when I said authentic, maybe I had no idea what I
was getting myself into.

(30 minutes later)

NOTARY: Thanks for the great meal. Let me give you 40 ren-min-bi,
that should cover it. Back to the set.

THE FONG: Heyyyyyy!!!!! (with two sexy Chinese girls: one on each
side of him in cheerleader outfits.)

NOTARY: Wow, I get to meet the Chinese Fonzie in the flesh.

THE FONG: No, don’t touch the leather. Just got it restored at Wing’s
leather repair down street. And don’t touch the hair either.

NOTARY: Okay, I promise not to.

GIRLS: We promise not to either! hee-hee-hee…

THE FONG: Eyyyy!!!!! (puts two thumbs up.)

NOTARY: Good thing we’re not doing thumbprints.

THE FONG: If we did, you not need ink, plenty of grease already on
thumbs from mechanic work not to mention coconut oil on hair for good
look.

NOTARY: Okay, I’ll need to see some ID.

THE FONG: Okay, legal name Fong Xiao-Leng, similar to Bruce Lee’s
Chinese name. But, people call me The Fong!

NOTARY: In real life I am not allowed to notarize outside of the State
of New Jersey where I am legally commissioned as a Notary Public, but
since this is a fictional comedy blog, I will take some liberties and
illegally use my stamp here in Shanghai.

THE FONG: Okay, so where do The Fong sign?

NOTARY: Right here

(The Fong signs in the wrong place and Notary scolds him)

NOTARY: No not there. You signed in the wrong place!

THE FONG: Wait second. You say The Fong… w-w-w-w-wong? The Fong NEVER wong!!!

NOTARY: Yeah, you were supposed to sign right here, and you signed
down there where the signature of the Notary is supposed to be.

THE FONG: Nobody say The Fong w-w-w-w-w-rong…. Not even The Fong’s mother.

NOTARY: Just admit it… You were wrong.

THE FONG: I can’t say it. I was w-w-w-w-w-w-… I just can’t.

NOTARY: Try one more time. Never mind. We’ll sign this fresh duplicate
I brought. Be more careful this time.

THE FONG: Okay. (scribbles The Fong on document)

NOTARY: No, that’s wrong. Your legal name is Fong Xiao-Leng, not The
Fong. The Fong is your nickname. You can’t legally be notarized using
that name.

THE FONG: Hey, this is blog entry. I do what I want. But, you say I
w-w-w-w-wrong again? We take this outside! NOBODY say The Fong wrong.

(The Fong grabs the Notary and takes him outside behind the garage)

THE FONG: You want on chin? Hurt more — show less. Or on gut? Hurt
more, nobody see.

NOTARY: What are you talking about?

THE FONG: You say The Fong wrong. Nobody say The Fong wrong and live
to tell about it. I punch you hard. You choose place.

NOTARY: Go for the gut. My dumplings weren’t that good anyway. I
think I prefer Americanized Chinese food come to think of it. But, I
have one condition. You can only punch me if you admit that you were
wrong.

THE FONG: Deal… (punch)

NOTARY: Oh my God… What are you, a Shao-Lin monk? That really hurt.
Ouch. I’ll spend the rest of the day bent over. Now it’s your turn.
You have to keep your end of the bargain and admit that you were
wrong. Fair is fair.

THE FONG: Okay. I keep bargain. I was w-w-w-w-w-w-w….

NOTARY: Yes, this is a Deed for the sale of one of the rick-shaws you repaired.

THE FONG: Do you notarize auto-sale paperwork?

NOTARY: I notarize any documents about anything that starts with a key
and goes vroom vroom!

THE FONG: Eyyyy!!!! That sound like something The Fong would say.
Anyway… I was w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w.

NOTARY: You can do it. Good thing I ate lightly.

THE FONG: I was wr-r-r-r-r… It so hard. I was w-w-w-w…. WONG! I was wong!

GIRLS: I can’t believe he said it. The Fong was wrong!

NOTARY: Okay, now sign this 3rd copy I made as Fong Xiao-Leng and
we’ll be all done and I’ll take the next flight back to America.

.

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You know you’re a Notary when…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16038

The Lonely Italian — parody in a notary context
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15842

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January 8, 2022

Notary Suicide Hotline

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 5:04 am

This was originally published many years ago.

This blog entry seems appropriate now that the holidays have set in. I’m sure many of us have a solid dose of holiday related depression with less sunlight, and an interruption of our daily routines.

“Hurry — we have a level 3 on line 2!”, said the neurotic manager of this organization. What organization was this, you might ask? It is none other than the Notary Suicide Hotline. But, I have never heard of this, you might say! It all came to Jeremy in a dream…

The dream…
It was a few days ago. Jeremy had a dream that he and a few notaries were having sandwiches. The bread was a foot long, but each sandwich only had a small cutlet in it. Then Jeremy went up to the 7th floor of a haunted mansion to hide, because he felt bad that the notary industry was so slow, and felt afraid too! So, Jeremy went to his psychic to do dream interpretation. The sandwiches had lots of bread which represented hard work, but very little cutlet which represented nourishment. That meant that the notaries were working too hard for not enough money!

Another dream
Then, the next night Jeremy went to sleep there was another dream. In the dream, the NNA had become very concerned about the emotional well-being of notaries throughout the country. Many were depressed, and a few even contemplated ending it all. Something had to be done. So, the NNA created the Notary Suicide Hotline.

The call
Notary: “Hello… (sob) It’s too upsetting”
Frank: “I’m sorry about what you are going through. Would you like to talk about it?”
Notary: “Yes… well… It was another $40 signing… boo hoo hoo!”
Frank: “I’m so sorry to hear about that — please hold”

Frank “Hey Sully, we have a level 3 on line 2, can you handle it?”
Sully: “I got it!”
Frank: “Sorry to keep you waiting, I am going to transfer you to Sully — he specializes in exactly this type of crisis”
Notary: “Oh…okay”
Sully: “Hi, this is Sully, I heard that you were offered yet another $40 signing”
Notary: “Yes, it is terrible — we deserve more, especially with fax backs!”
Sully: “I’m so sorry about that. How many fax backs were there?”
Notary: “There were 12. I can’t figure out why they need so many!”
Sully: “Maybe they are insecure. Just remember — it’s THEM, not YOU”
Notary: “Really?”
Sully: “Yeah, they are the guys with the problem, not you!”
Notary: “Do you really mean that?”
Sully: “Sure, we get this all the time. they are paranoid that someone didn’t sign ONE little document on one out of a hundred loan documents. My attitude is — deal with it. Don’t put the notary through hell. If the notary makes a mistake, just don’t use them again unless they have a good track record.”
Notary: “That makes me feel so good. You are really on my side!”
Sully: “Hey… we have been dealing with this for a long time. It never ends. And for $40. It is ridiculous. They should pay at least $90 for those types of signings. But, don’t feel bad, just ride the wave until the economy picks up. They, maybe you’ll get lots of $125 signings, especially if you have experience.”
Notary: “I feel so hopeful now. I pictured everything being gloomy forever!”
Sully: “Nothing lasts forever. What goes down, must come up again, right?”
Notary: “That’s true. When the economy was good before, I thought it would last forever. Now that things are slow, I am depressed thinking that things will be slow forever. But, that isn’t true. Everything in the notary industry is cyclical!”
Sully: “You got it. So… you’re not thinking of ending it anymore, right?”
Notary: “No, you talked me out of it. How can I ever thank you?”
Sully: “Well, this week we are having a special, buy three NNA journals, get a half-price ticket to one of our seminars, what do you think?”
Notary: “Well, how much are three journals?”
Sully: “$40, but without the fax-backs!”
Notary: “It’s a deal!”

So, ends our level 3 suicide hotline call. Thank got it wasn’t a level 10. Level 9 is when a notary is standing at the edge of a bridge holding a stack of pre-fax-back loan documents. I’ll leave it to your imagination what a level 10 is. You need a lot more experience handling those types of calls.

Tweets:
(1) The Notary Suicide Hotline — making sure notary commissions expire before the notaries do since 1932.
(2) Notary Suicide Hotline: “I have a level 3 on line 2, can you handle it?”
(3) Notary Suicide Hotline: “May I help you?”
Notary: “I’m tired of $40 signings w/fax backs!”
(4) Don’t put the notary through hell. If the notary goofs, just don’t use them again.
(5) Dream: A long sandwich w/3 little cutlets inside.
Interpretation: Notaries doing too much work for too little money.

You might also like

Vampire Notaries: 24 hour service
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4094

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May 24, 2021

Notary Pit Stop

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 1:39 am

Let’s imagine that a very important person would need to get their Notary work done in a hurry. I have notarized for directors, company presidents and other busy people. They have time to come in the room, sign and leave. They normally don’t even give you time to look at the identification. So here is my idea.

Two Notaries work as a tag team notarization outfit. They visit the VIP’s office.

Notary #1 looks at the ID and inscribes the necessary information in the journal.
Notary #2 fills out the certificates, staples them to the forms. Then,
Notary #1 gets the VIP to sign the journal.
Notary #2 gets the VIP to sign the document.
Notary #1 hands the ID to
Notary #2 to verify that the signature on the ID matches the signature on the document. Notary #2 returns the ID to the signer and then
Notary #1 stamps the document’s certificate

Questions:
Q.Why doesn’t Notary #2 stamp the actual certificate?
A. Because they are using Notary #1’s journal

Q. Why doesn’t Notary #1 throw a chair at Notary #1?
A. Because they are on the same team

Q. Why doesn’t Notary #2 throw a chair at the signer?
A. Because the signer is paying them

Q. Do they have pit stop outfits or tag team wrestling outfits?
A. Probably not, but they could if that was their theme.

Q. Does the signer have to wear a helmet?
A. That’s probably a bad idea.

Q. Who collects the money?
A. Notary #2 because Notary #1 is too busy stamping

Q. Can you bring sound effects of a real Indy 500 race?
A. That would definitely add to the experience.

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May 20, 2021

Flight Attendant & Notary

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 1:30 am

JESSIE: Hi, my name is Jessie, and I will be your flight attendant Notary for the evening.

SIGNER: Welcome Jessie. Please have a seat.

JESSIE: Tonight we will be flying to St. Louis International for a refinance. The captain will be getting ready for take off in about ten minutes.

SIGNER: But, aren’t we already in St. Louis?

JESSIE: If you want to get technical. We are going to stay in the city, but have a Notarial flight, so to speak.

SIGNER: And how long will the flight last?

JESSIE: 30 years with no prepayment penalty.

SIGNER: Do you have enough peanuts to last 30 years?

JESSIE: Well, the part of the flight where we will be up in the air will only last about 45 minutes. The emergency exits are to the left there where the front door is and there is another emergency exit through the back… I think… I mean is there one? Uh huh? I’ll take that for a yes. In the case of an emergency, I brought oxygen masks. The captain has turned off the “no signing” sign, so you are free to sign around the cabin, or the dining room table as the case may be.

SIGNER: Okay, so where do we start?

JESSIE: First of all I need to see your boarding pass and your ID.

SIGNER: Here it is, not sure what you mean by a boarding pass. And please sign my flight journal so that we know what date and time we took off and what we were signing.

JESSIE: In the unlikely event that we experience turbulence, you can press the “call the Lender” button to the left, and he will explain everything. I am a signing agent and can only answer very general questions, and not specific questions about the terms of your loan.

SIGNER: I need to use the bathroom. Am I free to move about the cabin?

JESSIE: Yes, the captain has turned off the wear seatbelt sign, so you may take off your seatbelt now and visit the latrine.

SIGNER: And where is the bathroom again?

JESSIE: Umm, I’m not sure, isn’t this your house?

SIGNER: I just wanted you to move your hands around like we were on a real flight. Oh, I’m getting altitude sickness.

JESSIE: Just don’t have an upheaval on the documents, unless its the borrower copies.

SIGNER: I just said that to see if you brought one of those little bags.

JESSIE: My bag was full, I brought seatbelts, oxygen, those little bags, mini bags of peanuts and almonds, and the mini-sized Coca Colas. Even Uber doesn’t offer all of that.

SIGNER: My APR seems to have experienced an increase in altitude, is that because it includes fees and certain closing costs?

JESSIE: Yes. Oh, and you previously requested a window seat, well one just opened up.

SIGNER: Okay, I’m done signing everything.

JESSIE: Super. Please put your seatbelt on, and now it is time for a smooth picture book landing. The weather in St. Louis is stormy, it’s raining harder than a cow peeing on a rock. Oh, I think I only use that one in Texas. What type of sayings do you have here in St. Louis?

SIGNER: We stick to Mark Twain references.

JESSIE: Okay, we have landed. The captain has turned off the seat belts required sign. You are free to exit the air bus.

SIGNER: Thanks, but I think you are the one who will be exiting.

JESSIE: Good point. Sometimes I get confused.

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May 10, 2021

The squeamish Notary

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:13 am

ME: Are you amish?
NOTARY: No, Im squeamish
ME: Close enough!

Here is a scene with a Notary based on a guy I met who ran an acupuncture clinic. He wanted only two people in his office at a time, and when a third person came in, he flinched. It was a large office too. What that guy didn’t understand was that the germs from the previous people were still in the air regardless of how many people were there now.

ME: Hi Mr. Notary, do you think you could notarize this for me.

NOTARY: Sure, just sign my journal. Oh, I love your mask.

ME: I think I’ve been in Los Angeles too long. Okay…

NOTARY: Ohhhh, you just came five feet and eight inches from me. We just violated social distancing for a whole second.

ME: Terribly sorry. Perhaps you should report us to Anthony Fauci so we can be reprimanded. It’s no big deal… Oh… Oh… (I fall on the floor and start having convulsions. then play dead, and then abruptly stand up and say) “Just kidding!”

NOTARY: That wasn’t funny. I could have given Covid to you and then you might give Covid to your Grandmother and she could die.

ME: I’ll let grandma figure out how to take care of herself. She has free will by the way. I don’t have a grandma.

NOTARY: Oh no, you touched my journal and I just touched my journal.

ME: Time to wash your hands for 20 seconds. The way I do it is to pretend that I put my hand in the toilet and wash accordingly.

NOTARY: You put your hand in the toilet?

ME: I said pretend. Here is my ID. I touched it..

NOTARY: Oh no, I have to wash my hands again… Please excuse me for the third time.

ME: Okay. And make sure you wash for a full 20 seconds again. I’ll count to make sure.

NOTARY: Okay, I’m back and I am going to stamp the documents.

ME: With wet hands, over my dead body.

NOTARY: I’ll stay at least six feet from your dead body, even if it is six feet under.

ME: Please dry your hands thoroughly, this is a recorded document. Wet hands, wet hands, oh my God wet hands.

NOTARY: Covid, Covid, oh my God Covid. We’re all going to die.

ME: The vaccine is more likely to kill you than Covid.

NOTARY: How can you say that?

ME: You don’t know what people’s motivations are. Some mad scientist created Covid to kill people. Another mad scientist in the same group created a vaccine to… fill in the blanks.

NOTARY: Oh my God. What if you are right? Vaccine, Vaccine, oh my God Vaccine. I’ve just been reverse brainwashed. You’re a lot faster than the media which took two months to fully brainwash me into N15 masks, the six foot rule, shut downs, and more.

ME: Let me inspect your hands and see if they are dry. Touch this blank document with all of your fingers and do a sample signature so I can see if it is dry. By the way, if I sneeze, or if my germs are in the air, they can go a lot farther than six feet. They can impregnate the entire house.

NOTARY: You’re scaring me. Did you touch the paper?

ME: Not yet.

NOTARY: Okay, here you go. Thanks. Elbow bump… let’s skip that.

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October 31, 2020

Disney Notary World

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (shares),Popular on Facebook (some),Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 11:55 pm

Originally posted Dec 9, 2016.

If there were more Notaries in the United States, in addition to having lower rates due to increased competition, there would be a market for Disney Notary World!

Welcome to Disney Notary World
Start your tour by entering the park — get your ticket notarized. You could take the Notarial tram whose path is very twisty and turny as it is an exact giant replica of Mickey Mouse’s signature! Next, go to the haunted house for a signing. The problem is that the signers — are dead, or at least — they will be, and so will you!

Welcome to the Future
In the futuristic section there is a Robot that can notarize documents. He is trained to spot a fake ID faster than a human Notary. Warning, this means you might all be out of work, or have to carry a robot with you in your car.

Pirates of Pen Zance
Next, on to see the Pirates of Pen Zance. These pirates stole a gold pen from a very prominent Attorney Notary from the 1600’s and hid it in a cave in an island. But, everybody who came to find this pen ended up dead because of a curse. Can you find this pen?

Hyperspace Mountain
After that, get into a floating Notary seal, and go down hyperspace mountain until you go straight down into a pool of ink. Please leave all cellphones in a secure dry area.

War of Balloons
Fulfill your wildest fantasy. At this attraction you get to throw a water balloon at someone who works at a signing company who didn’t pay you. They will say, “The check is in the mail.” Then you throw a balloon. If you hit your target, you win a Daffy Duck doll and a giant check.

The Secretary of State
Bring your kids to this realistic Sec of State building. Wait in line (what else is new) and get your kids an official Disney Notary Commission and Notary Seal. They can get notarizing today! Just make sure they get proper ID and use the Disney Notary Journal,

Hall of Notaries
See photos and paintings of famous Notaries from history. You will find Notaries from Italy during the Renaissance, China, England, and other countries as well. You might even find yourself there. Don’t be surprised if you find Mickey Mouse in the hall of records as he was a Notary before he became a famous star. You have to start somewhere.

The Gift Store
For all of your unhappy customers who wrote a bad review about you claiming that if your tired of “Mickey Mouse Notarizations,” then don’t hire this Notary. You can get a Mickey Mouse doll with a notary seal, where you can get real Mickey Mouse Notarizations.

.

You might also like:

Best virtual notary comedy compilation updated to 2018
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

Notary space station: In space, nobody can hear you sign!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

Zoo – Welcome to the Notary Zoo (popular)
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15994

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December 13, 2019

Notary Circus

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 8:37 pm

Welcome to the Notary Circus!

In ring 1 we have John Quincy, Notary Public. He will be doing a juggling act with not two, not three, but five Notary seals, and embossers. Oh wait, he is throwing two of the seals to his partner Vicky who is not standing on her head while juggling.

Meanwhile in ring 2, we have ten clowns getting into a small car presumably to go to a signing. Oh no, they can’t fit in. The signing will have to be delayed. I hope the borrower will not lose their loan. What a bunch of clowns.’

But, wait, an elephant is entering the scene with smiling Notary riding on top. But, where will this elephant end up? Oh, it is going to the signing and leaving the clowns behind. Personally, I don’t think clowns should do this type of legal support work — it is just too critical. Wait — a little house is being wheeled in with borrowers inside. The elephant is stopping, the notary is dismounting the elephant and is notarizing with a huge oversized notary seal.

The notary finishes the signing, takes a bow. Wait — now, a clown is approaching him with something behind his back — what could it be? Oh! The clown has a pie and throws the pie into the Notary’s face. I bet that clown works for a non-paying signing company, or at least desires to have the same effect on the Notary.

Now, in the back, a notary and signer are walking the tight rope. The notary will do the signing suspended in mid-air. Wish him luck. Fortunately there is a net to save him. We call the net E&O insurance for circus Notaries.

What about the notary freak show? Oh, not a Notary — a signer who doesn’t look at all like his oversized ID. It doesn’t even look like the same person. Here is another notary freak who goes to the signing drunk in shoes that are triple the size they are supposed to be. Oh look, a 9 food tall bearded lady incredible credible witness. I have seen it all folks. That’s all for today.

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August 20, 2019

A bar only for “cool” notaries

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:48 pm

I had a dream that I bought a bar and wanted to make it the coolest place only, and for Notaries primarily. So, what I did was to create this apparatus called a “coolometer”. It is a little like how they strap you to a laughometer at comedy places where they charge by the laugh. The coolometer measures how cool you are, so the bouncer can decide whether or not to let you in on a busy night.

In any case, the machine has a rating from one to ten to test how cool you are. On a regular night you need to score at least four so we know you are not a complete dweeb. But, on the weekends you need to score at least six. Day time we did not have too many restrictions just as long as you weren’t scaring people away.

So, the bar did well. Many Notaries came and swapped stories about backdating, who paid, who didn’t, and more. Some Notaries decided to become pick up artists and come up with pick up lines (which usually didn’t work).

Do you sign her often?
What’s your sign?

LINE: Do your parents know that you hang out in dangerous neighborhoods after dark?
RESPONSE: This neighborhood isn’t dangerous.
LINE: It is when I’m here baby!

In any case, everyone had a good time and the bouncer had the necessary tools to pick them. Thank God he didn’t decide to screen people based on Notary knowledge otherwise the bar would have been empty. But, then, I decided to visit my own bar. The bouncer strapped me to my coolometer and said that I only scored a three and couldn’t come in. I said, “But, I invented this machine — not fair… plus I am the owner. What gives?” Then he said, “Just kidding.” I was so riled after that I had to have a home made ginger beer spiked with rum. Good God. And remember — Don’t drink and sign!

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December 14, 2018

Notary arrested for stealing spices from borrowers

Filed under: Popular on Twitter,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 12:29 am

It is common for people to go to other people’s homes and steal Oxy-codene. However, this is a new one. There was a rash in what I call spice-jacking in the Orange County area of California. It turned out to be just one guy, and a notary. But, the authorities caught on and published some public awareness materials about the subject…

You may not know if you have been spice-jacked. Answer this questionaire, and if you said yes to five or more items on this list — contact the authorities immediately — you have been spice jacked…

Have you been notarized in the last six months?
Did the notary ask you to swear on your mother’s cooking instead of a bible? Or did he substitute the bible for a Julia Child’s encyclopedia of cooking?

Has your cumin come out?
Has your coriander meandered?
Has your rose-mary been annulled?
Is your mint no longer in mint condition?
Is your tarragon just gon?
Are you no longer on the same page with your sage? (or is it showing age?)
Has your card-amom been declined (or expired)?
Have your bay leave(s) become bay left(s)?
Has your garam masala (Indian spice mix) lost its kick?
Has your turmeric’s turm expired?
Has your oregano become ore-went-and-did-not-come-back?
Has your aleppo pepper been receiving funds from Putin?
Has your haba-near-o become haba-far-away-o?
Have your c-loves turned to c-hates?
Has your ginger disappeared and then reappeared on a deserted island with Gilligan?

If so, you may have been spice jacked. Please call 888-888-8888 for immediate assistance.

The notary who committed these crimes had a last minute call for an airport notarization. Someone needed one of those permission to travel forms to have their uncle take their kid to Zacatecas in Mexico. These forms typically need to be notarized if going to Mexico. So, the notary did the notarization, got paid cash, and then proceeded to the airport restaurant. At the next table over some TSA personel were having lunch. Then some other TSA people came over with their K-9. The K-9 started sniffing the Notary’s bag. The officer was sure that they would find drugs, but all they found were remains of… you guessed it… oregano and some exotic imported red pepper powder from Egypt. The authorities then had the Notary bring them to his car where they found a huge stash of stolen spices which the Notary had obtained from his various Notary appointments. He loved Notarizing Indians specifically for this reason. The authorities contacted Orange County police and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, from now on, keep your spices under lock and key just in case some other culinarily inspired Notaries get the wrong idea about your marjoram or herbs du provence.

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