JESSIE: Hi, my name is Jessie, and I will be your flight attendant Notary for the evening.

SIGNER: Welcome Jessie. Please have a seat.

JESSIE: Tonight we will be flying to St. Louis International for a refinance. The captain will be getting ready for take off in about ten minutes.

SIGNER: But, aren’t we already in St. Louis?

JESSIE: If you want to get technical. We are going to stay in the city, but have a Notarial flight, so to speak.

SIGNER: And how long will the flight last?

JESSIE: 30 years with no prepayment penalty.

SIGNER: Do you have enough peanuts to last 30 years?

JESSIE: Well, the part of the flight where we will be up in the air will only last about 45 minutes. The emergency exits are to the left there where the front door is and there is another emergency exit through the back… I think… I mean is there one? Uh huh? I’ll take that for a yes. In the case of an emergency, I brought oxygen masks. The captain has turned off the “no signing” sign, so you are free to sign around the cabin, or the dining room table as the case may be.

SIGNER: Okay, so where do we start?

JESSIE: First of all I need to see your boarding pass and your ID.

SIGNER: Here it is, not sure what you mean by a boarding pass. And please sign my flight journal so that we know what date and time we took off and what we were signing.

JESSIE: In the unlikely event that we experience turbulence, you can press the “call the Lender” button to the left, and he will explain everything. I am a signing agent and can only answer very general questions, and not specific questions about the terms of your loan.

SIGNER: I need to use the bathroom. Am I free to move about the cabin?

JESSIE: Yes, the captain has turned off the wear seatbelt sign, so you may take off your seatbelt now and visit the latrine.

SIGNER: And where is the bathroom again?

JESSIE: Umm, I’m not sure, isn’t this your house?

SIGNER: I just wanted you to move your hands around like we were on a real flight. Oh, I’m getting altitude sickness.

JESSIE: Just don’t have an upheaval on the documents, unless its the borrower copies.

SIGNER: I just said that to see if you brought one of those little bags.

JESSIE: My bag was full, I brought seatbelts, oxygen, those little bags, mini bags of peanuts and almonds, and the mini-sized Coca Colas. Even Uber doesn’t offer all of that.

SIGNER: My APR seems to have experienced an increase in altitude, is that because it includes fees and certain closing costs?

JESSIE: Yes. Oh, and you previously requested a window seat, well one just opened up.

SIGNER: Okay, I’m done signing everything.

JESSIE: Super. Please put your seatbelt on, and now it is time for a smooth picture book landing. The weather in St. Louis is stormy, it’s raining harder than a cow peeing on a rock. Oh, I think I only use that one in Texas. What type of sayings do you have here in St. Louis?

SIGNER: We stick to Mark Twain references.

JESSIE: Okay, we have landed. The captain has turned off the seat belts required sign. You are free to exit the air bus.

SIGNER: Thanks, but I think you are the one who will be exiting.

JESSIE: Good point. Sometimes I get confused.

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