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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfullness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you dissserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that/

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

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1 Comment »

  1. reaching down to the bottom of the barrel and dragging up the [cornball] muck. this is the least clever item you’ve published. [that I’ve read.]

    Comment by Donna J. R. Conne — September 24, 2018 @ 11:30 pm

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