(8) Humor Archives - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
123Notary

Notary Blog – Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice – 123notary.com Control Panel

July 14, 2019

Notarization in Brooklyn in 2032

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:20 am

As time went on, the Yiddish speaking population in Brooklyn kept speaking Yiddish, but had so many children that they became a dominant population and “force du culture” in Brooklyn. It got to the point that the Chinese and Puerto Ricans integrated a lot of Yiddish into their spoken language.

NOTARY: Yes, you had a paper to be notarized?

WING XING: Yeah, I just flew in from Shanghai to La Guardia — what a schlep. And the Drukschlep I tried to hire for my daughter was late taking her to her party. Vey Ismeer. I need this affidavit of corporate capacity notarized. Do you want I should sign it in front of you?

NOTARY: Yes please.

WING XING: My son asked me when he would be having his Bar-Mitzvah. I tried to explain to him that we’re not Jewish. He said, “What do you mean we’re not Jewish? Now you tell me!”

NOTARY: It must be confusing. But, on a brighter note, if you were Jewish, you could no longer eat Shanghainese Xiao Leng Bao.

WING XING: I know that, and you know that, but try explaining that to little Timmie. He just doesn’t understand the Talmud, or Leviticus. Kids these days!

(next appointment)

MARITZA: Mira mira mira. We’ve known each othah for almost three years. We’re practically mishpucha (family).

NOTARY: No somos mishpucha. You’re a mensch

MARITZA: Who you callin’ a mensch? (angry tone)

NOTARY: That means your a friend, but you’re not quite family yet. Let me guess. Your kid is having his Bar Mitzvah soon too right?

MARITZA: Yeah, we’re still searching around for a Rabbi who is willing to do it for us. But, you know, according to the Talmud, if you have a maternal Jewish lineage, you are Jewish even if you were raised Catholic. I just did my 23 and me blood test for MT DNA and guess what?

NOTARY: What?

MARITZA: We’re chosen! I showed that info to the Rabbi as well as the section from the Babilonian Talmud and he is still giving us a hard time. I tried to explain to him that after the inquisition, many Sephardic Jews left Spain for Puerto Rico and converted to Catholicism. We are descended from those people, but we dance much better than they do, at least in my opinion.

NOTARY: No problem, I’ll notarize your blood test and affidavit. As crazy as this sounds, you are actually making sense. But, I gotta run.

MARITZA: Why?

NOTARY: I have to notarize paperwork for Tyrone’s Bar Mitzvah before his mother has a fit.

Share
>

July 13, 2019

Notary answering machines

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 3:18 am

As a Notary, what goes on your answering machine really matters. If someone just hears a beep, they will not even know if they dialed the correct number and that would not professional if that is your designated line. So, make sure to leave your name, company name, and the fact that you are a notary and/or signing agent.

That is important also for when I call you to confirm that your info is correct. If I cannot reach you but, it says in your answering machine that you are a signing agent, then I can mark you current. Otherwise I will have to hunt you down, or in some cases with free listings I might have to remove you.

ME: Hello, this is Jeremy from 123notary, are you still doing Notary work?

NOTARY: Yes, but I just got home from a movie about global climate change.

ME: How was it? Did you have to take your sweater off because the movie got too hot?

NOTARY: No, I had to add extra layers. The movie beginning was okay, the middle was too windy, but the ending was anti-climatic.

ME: Glad you had a good time. Stay on high ground just in case the poles melt.

Share
>

July 4, 2019

Notarization at a Subway

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 2:38 am

NOTARY: What a long drive. But, I’m here. Are you ready?

FRANK: I don’t normally work at this branch of Subway, I’m just “subbing”.

NOTARY: Oh, then can you grade my paper? It’s an Affidavit.

FRANK: There’s a spelling mistake in line two.

NOTARY: Really? And what about your Affidavit. Is it ready?

FRANK: It’s right here.

NOTARY: Would you like onions with your notarization, and would you like to make it a combo?

FRANK: Does it come with chips and a drink for another $2.25.

NOTARY: I actually have Fanta in the car. That helps me get better reviews. Being a Notary these days is not far from being an Uber driver except that we don’t have to vacuum our car as much… or ever.

FRANK: Got it. I’ll sign… Are you watching?

NOTARY: Watching. Your hands are clean right? No mayo or chipotle sauce on your fingers, right?

FRANK: Too late. Please affix your stamp there.

NOTARY: Please sign my journal first… Good… Now it’s time for recess.

FRANK: Recess?

NOTARY: You’re “subbing”, right?

FRANK: Oh, yeah… right.

Share
>

July 2, 2019

A millennial self-identifies as being a Notary Public.

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 2:27 am

TEACHER: Now, class, as we all know, we are all little snowflakes now aren’t we?

CLASS: Yes teacher

TEACHER: And we don’t have to be responsible about anything in life because the world owes us a living. Anyone who criticizes us is bad because they might offend or hurt our feelings which is the worst thing of all. Now class, we must all be sensitive to how people identify. Let’s go around the class.

SHELLIE: I self-identify as being a male police man.

TODD: I just came back from a trip to India, and my nuts were sore from the car bouncing on the bumpy roads in the mountains. Such unbelievable pain. I bet you have had similar problems being a man, right?

SHELLIE: Excuse me?

TODD: You mean your nuts have never hurt?

SHELLIE: I don’t have those yet. I’m transitioning dummie.

FRANK: I self-identify with being a Notary Public.

TODD: Oh good, how much is it to get an Affidavit of copy of transcript notarized?

FRANK: What’s an Affidavit?

TODD: It is a document you notarize… That’s what Notaries do you know. Do you have a stamp and a Notary commission?

FRANK: I think we have to stand up to this type of harassment. My feelings are hurt!

TODD: Have you filed your Oath and Bond with the county clerk?

FRANK: What’s a bond?

SHIMON: I self-identify as being a sephardic cantor.

TODD: Can you sing me some lines from what you sing in shul?

SHIMON: Oh yeah… (sings very Moroccan sounding Hebrew prayers and sways from side to side.)

TODD: Just out of curiousity, did you start out as a Sephardic cantor, or did you transition into it?

SHIMON: I had to go to school to learn to become a cantor. You can’t “cant” unless you study.

TODD: Did you have to study to become Sephardic?

SHIMON: You kind of have to be born into that, but it’s complicated. To be of a tribe, your affiation is based on the father, but your religion based on the mother.

SHELLIE: What about your sexual identity — is that based on your mother’s lineage or your father’s?

SHIMON: I’ll have to think about that. Have a nice evening and Shalom!

Share
>

June 30, 2019

Notarizing a pinata

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:12 pm

Elbert was assigned a job notarizing a pinata. He didn’t take one of those “Just say no” NNA courses with the Q&A sections apparently.

Can you notarize a photo?
Just say no.

Can you notarize a pinata?
Just say no.

But, it was too late now. He was at the location. The children were there. There was cake, there was music, there was mom, and there was the Notary — they thought he would never come. Mom asked him to notarize the pinata. The kids were there standing with their sticks and blindfolds all ready.

The Notary asked to see the Pinata’s ID. Mom said, “What??” loudly and the birthday boy’s facial expression went from confused to suddenly hostile giving the notary… the look.

NOTARY: Did that boy just give me — the look?

MOM: What look?

NOTARY: You know… the look.
MOM: I have no idea what look you are talking about.

NOTARY: Well take a look to the right and you will know ex (pause for emphasis) zactly what kind of look I’m talking about.

MOM: Oh my God, he is giving you his — I wanna kill you look.

NOTARY: Is there anything we can do to work this out?

MOM: Just stand near the pinata to show you are a good sport and smile a lot. Making a false show of positive emotion is how we resolve problems in our country… well, at least when we can’t find our machetes.

NOTARY: Excuse me?

MOM: It is either or, and one wrong move could cause yet another revolution.

NOTARY: Okay, and another thing. I can only notarize a document not a Pinata.

MOM: Oh, so you did take one of those sorry no can do courses? I am somewhat impressed. ‘But, I would be more if ju espoke espanish.’

NOTARY: got it. Let’s attach the document to the Pinata, and let’s figure out who the signer is. Who here is 18 and of sound mind.

MOM: I am exactly 18 and have been so for as long as I can remember. When you check my ID, promise not to reveal my real age to anyone, not even my cat Alexandria.. hi sweety… meao…

NOTARY: Okay. Document signed, attached to pinata. Ready.

The boys proceeded to wander aimlessly around with a stick drawn almost whacking all of his friends, family, the Notary and a few neighbors. After a near miss with a delivery truck the Notary decided to assist him in getting a little closer to the pinata. After the boys pulverized the pinata, the notary decided that it would be better if the document had been inside the pinata. The mother said that next time she would ask the pinata manufacturers to put an affidavit inside. The notary concluded his job, notarized a tattered affidavit (which made it more authentic considering the subject matter) and went home with some cash (and a whole lot of candies) in his pocket. The End.

Share
>

June 29, 2019

Good humor is hard to find

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:13 pm

One commenter on my blog said that good humor is hard to find and to be nice to my writer. I’m not sure which writer she is talking about. I write most of my own material, and then there is Ken, and Andy, and sometimes Carmen. Hmmm.

But, some of our commenters are good too. But, here’s some more food for thought:

BTW: Are you a commenter or a commentator? What’s the difference? I think it has to do with whether or not you are professional at it.

But, I digress. Even at local comedy clubs, the humor is raunchy. If they have a professional, it is generally good although not always not my type. But, the up and coming people are awful. Even I, with all of my amateurish tendencies have classier humor than them, and that is on a raunchy crass day. But, as a child, I knew people who would come up with very funny things to say where I broke out laughing.

And sometimes humor is spontaneous. I went to the juice bar today. To have celery juice, you should ideally have it on an empty stomach to get maximum benefit for your liver and colon. So, I went to Whole Foods with the spirit of poetry. I said, “My stomach is empty but my…. my blank is full.” But, what is blank. I had to think about it. As I was walking home I got it. “My stomach is empty, but my heart (pause) is full.” “What about your liver?” “Honey, you can leave my liver out of this.”

When you sum it up, good humor is hard to find. And if you want a good joke to be written, sometimes its easier to just write it yourself.

Share
>

June 6, 2019

Notary weapons: numchucks, torture rack, and more.

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:08 pm

It is imperative that Notaries develop an arsenal of weapons so as to survive the Notary industry unscathed. There are instances where one must defend themselves from signing companies. Numchucks are excellent for this purpose — and you don’t have to be Asian to use them although it doesn’t hurt either. But, if you grip them too hard you might have “numbhands”! And if you are incompetent people from Boston someone might call you “numbnuts.” But, there are other problems that could arise in the Notary arena that must be discussed.

Suppose you have a signer in front of you, who is not convinced that they want to sign. A resourceful Notary will employ all options to solve this unpleasant and slightly embarrassing situation. The use of a torture rack seems like the most efficient. That way you can easily convince the signer that indeed they really do want to sign.

Then there is the crossbow. Good for signature by X signings since the X looks like a cross. Also handy if your signer is a cross-dresser.

After careful review, the use of a mace seems overly heavy handed and will knock your signer out cold. Therefore we recommend against the use of maces, clubs, and bats, not necessarily in that order (unless you are a fan of the Movie “Gangs of New York.” However, if used as purely an intimidation tool, a mace might prove useful. Then there is also a Pakistani spice called Javetry or Mace which is completely different and not to be confused with a bat-like mace — unless you have a large clump of it.

So, in addition to carrying a stamp, acknowledgment pads, pens, and other standard Notary items, next time you go to a signing, consider taking a torture rack with you. You might actually have an opportunity to use one. (FYI – Macy’s is having a sale on foldable torture racks at 50% off while supplies last.)

Share
>

May 27, 2019

Aaron calls the “Above and Beyond” Notary Hotline

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:48 am

AARON: Hi, Notary hotline?

HOTLINE LADY: Hi, this is Roxanne (sultry voice), what kind of a question do you have for me today?

AARON: Ummm, this is the NNA hotline, right?

HOTLINE LADY: I think you’re mistaken. We’re not the NNA, we’re Above and Beyond.

AARON: Oh.. Um… Okay, so can I notarize a deaf signer?

HOTLINE LADY: What?

AARON: (a little louder) So, can I notarize a deaf signer?

HOTLINE LADY: I still didn’t hear you clearly, honey.

AARON: (yelling) Can I notarize a deaf signer?

HOTLINE LADY: Not so loud. What do you think I am… deaf??? To answer your question, you must be able to communicate directly with the signer. So, you could do what the deep water divers do and use a mini chalk board to communicate.

AARON: Can I bring my wet suit to the signing too? I’ve always wanted to do that.

HOTLINE LADY: With some of the clients you deal with, the oxygen tanks might come in handy. So (pause) what are you wearing?

AARON: What????

HOTLINE LADY: You heard me you shy little guy you. (pausse) What are you wearing?

AARON: Is this a real Notary hotline?

HOTLINE LADY: You keep confusing us with the NNA. The NNA sticks to giving professional answers to Notary questions. We do that, plus a little more, hence the name Above and Beyond Notary Hotline. I bet you’re wearing something sexy. Would you like to tell me what is it. I’ll tell you what I’m wearing.

AARON: Oh God. Ummm. I’m wearing (pause) a shirt.

HOTLINE LADY: Oooooooh. That sounds sexy. So, what do you do for a living?

AARON: I sell paper.

HOTLINE LADY: That sounds ex–citing. Do you think you could use a girl like me to help you sell a little more paper?

AARON: You might make the business a little less dry and academic.

HOTLINE LADY: Try steamy and sultry and definitely not academic. I’m a high school drop out, yet, I have a “way” (said slowly) with words. And another question for you in regards to your career. Are you living the dream or are you living for paper?

AARON: Ha ha ha, that’s a line from the Notorious BIG hip hop movie when they meet the agent in Brooklyn. In my case, I’m living for reams and reams of paper. My dream is paper.

HOTLINE LADY: Well anyway, it was fun talking to you. I hope I steamed up your car windows adequately.

AARON: You steamed me, shocked me, but you didn’t grill me. Tomorrow I have to talk to the boss about quotas and believe you me, he’s going to grill me about every single analytic number.

HOTLINE LADY: Well let me know if you need a good marinade. Can’t grill a sales employee without a good tomato and vinegar based marinade.

Share
>

May 22, 2019

Jaywalking with Jay Leno and a few Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:31 am

I was just watching Jay Leno on youtube and was wondering what would happen if he did his routine on people about Notary work.

JAY: Let me ask you something. What do you call the place where a Notary is taking place?

JAMES: That’s easy… the place!

FRED: Wait, wouldn’t it be the locality.

SALLY: How about an SS. Isn’t that on the form?

JAMES: No, that’s a World War Two German soldier.

JAY: Can you explain to me what an Affiant is?

MANDY: I’m stumped. Isn’t that a document that goes to a different country?

SARAH: No, that’s Apostille.

JAY: Name one country in Africa

CRAIG: Ummm. France?

JAY: Name one Notary act

JAMES: Ummm, a subscribing witness?

JAY: That’s a person not an act. Hmm. I’m beginning to see why so many people are upset with Jeremy. He’s asking them questions they don’t have a clue about. No wonder they are mad. Why don’t they just study. They are supposed to know this stuff anyway, aren’t they?

JEREMY: Yes. It is not only bad that most Notaries don’t know their basics, but dangerous to those who hire them and all parties involved in any transaction they notarize.

JAY: Okay Jeremy. Name a country in Africa.

JEREMY: Sierra Leone, illegal diamond trafficking capitol of Africa. And then there is Lethotho, a landlocked country within South Africa where they speak Khosa, the language with the clicking sounds. Let’s not forget about Djibouti, a small country near the Tigri region of Ethiopia where they eat injira with durham wheat as their staple food.

JAY: You lost me on that one. All I want to know is ….

JEREMY: No, they do not drive classic cars in those countries… probably..

JAY: You read my mind.

.

You might also like:

What are Jeremy’s favorite blog entries?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18837

Share
>

May 16, 2019

Notary Quiz of the day

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:30 am

Notaries hate being tested, but love reading Notary tests on blog entries for some reason. I’ll have to ask my psychic why that is. Maybe it is because they are not on the spot with this. Here is a fun quiz of the day.

1. Notaries notarize
(a) Documents
(b) People
(c) Signatures
(d) Signatures on Documents
(e) People’s signatures on documents.

2. Initials. If you initial a change on a loan document, where should the initial go?
(a) To the right of the crossed out text
(b) To the left of the crossed out test
(c) Above the crossed out text
(d) Anywhere around the crossed out text
(e) Below the crossed out text to the right.

The processor I used to work for did not want me to cross out the text, but initial below the text and below the right end of the text. The processing dept. would do the rest according to good old Emily. I wonder how she is.

3. What is the difference between a conflict of interest, interest, financial interest, and beneficial interest? This reminds me of the joke about the Mortgage Broker who left the industry in 2008 because he lost interest.

4. A Notary was asked to notarize a document with no signature line. What should the notary do?
(a) Ask the borrower to write in a signature line.
(b) Tell the borrower that he cannot notarize the document without a signature and signature line.
(c) Write in the signature line himself.
(d) Refuse to notarize the document.
(e) Call Carmen at 123notary and ask for help.

5. A Notary does a job for an old lady at a hospital notarizing a document. The notary asked the lady if she understood the document and she said yes. Two months later all parties were in court because the lady did not understand what she had signed. What should the notary have done?
(a) Ask the lady to paraphrase the document.
(b) Tell the lady how he went to the white house to visit President Johnson and see how she reacts.
(c) Stick to jail signings — they might be criminals, but at least they are in their right mind (whatever that means.)
(d) Start a conversation about current events to do a “reality test.”

6. A Notary was asked to notarize at the peace process. The Palestinians said you can’t have peace without a process. The Israelis said you can’t have peace without security. The Notary said you can’t have a notarization without a signature. After a long discussion, the Palestinians wanted to be acknowledged twice for one signature, Since the Israelis wouldn’t acknowledge the existence of their people, at least a Notary could acknowledge their signature twice to compensate. What is wrong with this picture?

(a) The Palestinians wanted to trade one Israeli signatures they had captive for two hundred Palestinian signatures as a peace initiative.
(b) The signer is the only one who can acknowledge a signature, not a Notary.
(c) An Israeli Notary will not acknowledge a Palestinian signature until they acknowledge the State of Israel’s signature.
(d) Yes, a single signature can be acknowledged multiple times, but it is the signer who does the acknowledging.

Share
>
Older Posts »