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March 18, 2019

Marriage therapy for Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:24 am

THERAPIST: So, how is everybody today. What’s on your mind.

WIFE: I can’t believe Norman. He is so in love with his job that he wants to take his Notary seal to bed with him. I think he’s more attracted to his seal than to me. If only he lasted as long as his commission did.

HUSBAND: Believe me, my seal makes my certificate rise more than you do.

WIFE: I bet the raised impression your embosser leaves gives you a rise as well.

HUSBAND: It helped me pick up where you left off.

WIFE: See what I mean? This is what I have to deal with.

HUSBAND: She always nags me about my signature. I don’t see anything wrong with my signature.

WIFE: You never see anything wrong with anything you do. Typical man.

HUSBAND: That’s not true, I see something wrong with my marrying you.

THERAPIST: How does his signature make you feel?

WIFE: His signature looks like a ten on the Richter scale of an earthquake chart.

THERAPIST: Don’t make blanket statements like that. He sometimes doesn’t see how what he does is wrong.

WIFE: Okay. But, he really is more attracted to his seal than he is to me.

HUSBAND: Well, my seal doesn’t nag me to death… that’s part of the allure.

WIFE: I wish there were a way that he could be attracted to me.

HUSBAND: Well that would be coercion and you know what the California Notary Handbook says about that!

WIFE: Well if I could coerce you, then our marriage could enter a new page.

HUSBAND: My journal is pretty much out of new pages.

WIFE: So, get a new journal.

HUSBAND: Well that’s exactly my line of thinking, but I would need a good divorce Attorney before I can do that.

THERAPIST: Well, what are your goals in a marriage?

HUSBAND: I’d like to try thumb printing.

WIFE: That is so inky… and kinky. How about tonight?

THERAPIST: I feel we are making progress, but don’t make me swear (or affirm) to that fact.

WIFE: I prefer affirming, because I’m anti-God. Or maybe I’m pro-God and that is why I don’t want to use the lord’s name for a petty Oath.

HUSBAND: My goal for a marriage first and foremost is to not get nagged constantly. The rest is all details.

WIFE: My goal for a Notary marriage is to not be put in situations where I am provoked to nag.

THERAPIST: Well maybe we should role play.

WIFE: We tried that and my husband didn’t the costumes and wasn’t getting turned on enough.

THERAPIST: No, not that kind of role play. Why not have Brian try to give you a little more attention, and you try to be conscious of how he doesn’t want to be nagged. Take notes every day on how your relationship develops, and we’ll talk about it next week.

WIFE: Sounds like a deal. But, before I go, can I check your ID?

THERAPIST: Okay. My middle name is just listed as an initial here.

WIFE: Could you sign my journal too? This is just standard procedure for Notaries.

THERAPIST: Habits — got it.

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March 15, 2019

Dr. Phil moderates dispute: Notaries vs. Signing Companies

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:36 am

Dr. PHIL: You have asked me to moderate your ongoing dispute between Notaries and signing companies. I hope that we will have a fruitful session and resolve some of your issues.

FRANK: Thank you Dr. Phil. We Notaries have been complaining for years about low-ball fees. We are sick of it and want to get paid what we deserve.

SAMANTHA: Thank you Dr. Phil. We signing companies used to have better quality Notaries to work for us. In the last several years, the quality keeps going down and down. We feel we shouldn’t have to pay much money to these Notaries who in our opinion, should not be commissioned in the first place.

FRANK: If you want better quality Notaries you are not going to get them based on what you pay.

SAMANTHA: Well, if you want more money, you won’t get it with your communication and notary skills.

Dr. PHIL: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? This conversation isn’t going anywhere. Now, Frank, I don’t know what your level of competency is as a Notary Public. If you want to get paid good money, you have to be good at what you do.

FRANK: Oh, I’m good at what I do.

SAMANTHA: No he’s not. He claims to be good at what he does. We tested him and he got 30% on our test which is so easy, high-school student could pass. We only hire him because the other Notaries are either just as bad, or charge a lot more.

Dr. PHIL: Too bad you don’t get paid for deluding yourself, you’re good at that. Now, you think you are good at what you do, but Samantha here has given you a standardized test and you failed. How can you call yourself a great Notary when you failed a very basic sounding standardized test?

FRANK: Well that’s because I’m anything but a standard Notary. And by the way, you’re just as bad as she is.

Dr. PHIL: Well, what do you think your average standard person is going to think if they know you failed your test?

FRANK: They’ll think I’m an idiot.

Dr. PHIL: So, do you think someone functioning at the level of an idiot deserves high pay? Do you think they deserve to be hired at all? Would you hire someone who failed a professional exam?

FRANK: Oh, well now that you put it that way. Hmmm. Well I thought I was good at what I did. I don’t get complaints?

Dr. PHIL: You have a complaint sitting right next to you. Do you think you’re being honest with yourself?

FRANK: In all honesty, yes… wait, can I start being honest now? Well at least I thought I was being honest with my self.

Dr. PHIL: The fact remains that you are not honest with yourself about how you are severely lacking in your knowledge of notary and signing basics. Those that hire you are not happy about that fact. They will never pay you much as long as you don’t live up to their expectations.

FRANK: What about my expectations?

SAMANTHA: We put up with this type of attitude to save $50 per signing. If we didn’t do that, we would not be able to turn a profit.

Dr. PHIL: Well you get what you pay for. Frank here is not living in reality and exhibits no willingness to learn his profession to the point where he seems hireable. Now, let me ask you a few questions Samantha. How often do the Notaries you hire make mistakes and what are the potential damages to your finances when they do make mistakes? Try to give me as many realistic scenarios as possible.

SAMANTHA: When we hire new Notaries, we screen them out first to get rid of the ones that sound really bad on the phone. The ones we hire, we encounter a 3% error rate, at least with the new hires.

Dr. PHIL: And what are the damages?

SAMANTHA: It’s really hard to say. Sometimes we have to resign. Other times we have to redraw documents. Once , a client lost his lock. But, in one isolated incident, an identity thief was notarized with a fake ID that a good Notary would have spotted. That cost us $20,000 and time in court.

Dr. PHIL: So, that sounds dangerous to me. What is the average cost of a notary mistake, all factors considered?

SAMANTHA: After doing the math, it looks like the average mistake might cost $400. Since mistakes only happen 3% of the time the cost per average job hiring questionable notaries might be $12. We are saving a lot more than $12 to hire cheaper Notaries so it seems worth it to me.

Dr. PHIL: What about the cost to your reputation and the risk of losing clients because you hire less than perfect Notaries?

SAMANTHA: That is always an issue, but since we clean up problems quickly, we haven’t lost more than a few clients. But, that does seem to be a bigger issue. How many Title Company clients have we lost due to the quality of the Notaries we have hired, and how many more would we retain or attract if we used better Notaries. It might be worth $30 extra to hire a better Notary.

FRANK: Now, I’m out of business for sure.

SAMANTHA: Unless you study. It wouldn’t kill you to crack a book.

FRANK: It might.

Dr. PHIL: It looks like we have had a good discussion here. I have learned something, and I think you, Samantha have learned more about the various factors in this complicated equation of who you hire, how much you pay them, and why. Now, Frank, have you also learned that you need to study more to be able to pass standardized tests to make a good impression on people who hire you?

FRANK: 123notary is the only entity who has quizzed me recently, and they are a directory. They don’t even hire people. I don’t think anyone else cares if I know anything, so why should I care?

Dr. PHIL: If you want to get more work at higher prices, you should care. I read an article that says that 123notary certified signers make $8 more per signing and get a heck of a lot more work.

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March 11, 2019

Will & Grace — the mini notary seal

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 8:03 am

JACK: Will, can I ask you something?

WILL: What’s that?

JACK: Have you ever wanted to be a Notary?

WILL: Are there cute guys in that industry?

JACK: What does that have to do with anything. Get your mind out of the gutter. It doesn’t matter whose in the industry. You don’t hang around with other Notaries unless you go to those private Facebook groups. You meet clients and they might be cute.

WILL: How cute are we talking?

JACK: If I become a Notary, I’ll bring one of them to one of our favorite gay bars and you can find out.

WILL: What if they aren’t gay?

JACK: I don’t have to tell them it’s a gay bar.

GRACE: I think they’ll know…. duh. Remember you brought me to one of those places?

JACK: Yeah, but you said you wanted to go to a place where no man would give you any unwanted attention. You got what you asked for.

GRACE: What? (looking disgusted). That was NOT what I had in mind! I wanted to go to a lesbian bar. Oh well, next time.

JACK: If I were a Notary, I would want one of those tiny little seals and have a little tiny doggie to match… with an outfit.

WILL: An outfit for the dog or the seal?

JACK: Oh, now you’ve got me thinking. I could get a little seal cover designed just for my little seal.

GRACE: That’s so cute. You should become a Notary just for the little seal bag made out of yarn.

JACK: Yarn? I wasn’t thinking yarn. I was thinking leather!

WILL: Stick to yarn. It’s more cute. Plus you don’t want your customers to think you are into leather notarizations. That sort of thing has a stigma to it.

JACK: Good point. But, I don’t want people to think I’m grandma either.

WILL: Okay, I’m an Attorney, so I can give you an Oath.

JACK: Okay. Count me in.

WILL: Raise your right hand.

JACK: Okay (holding his hand parallel in a very gay way.)

WILL: Do you solemnly swear that you will uphold the laws for Notary Public for the state of New York and defend the constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic, so help you God?

JACK: What about imports, or is that what you meant by foreign, because I don’t drive, but if I did, I would only drive a Ford personally.

WILL: You’ll make a terrible Notary. If you want my advice. Don’t quit your day job.

JACK: Oh, you mean acting. Usually that’s what you say to people who won’t make it acting.

WILL: You’re make it acting, you just won’t make it acting like a Notary.

JACK: Gee thanks. You’re so insensitive.

GRACE: I think he knows what he is talking about in the legal profession. That’s why I married him. My mother wanted me to marry an Attorney.

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March 5, 2019

Bikers on boats; Notaries heisting signatures

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:59 am

A pirate is no different than a biker on a boat. But, what about Notaries in cars heisting signatures.

NOTARIES: This is a stick up. Hand over your signatures. This is a heist!

SIGNERS: But, we have no signatures

NOTARIES: Then start signing. Hmm. That sounds familiar. And make sure we get paid on time.

FRANK: You don’t get paid during a heist. You just take what you take.

JOHN: Okay you’re right. But, with all of this signing, I should get a check cut for $50 at least.

SIGNERS: Umm, what are we signing?

JOHN: How about this napkin.

SIGNER #1: I’m afraid that the pen might rip the napkin.

JOHN: Just shut up and sign — this is a heist. I repeat. This is a heist.

FRANK: Okay, we have the signatures now what?

JOHN: We get in the get away car. I hope Charlie’s not drinking coffee again. That will spill when we take off.

CHARLIE: Ready. Donuts this time and a Starbuck’s can. I’ll just chuck it out the window.

FRANK: Okay, take off.

(sirens)

POLICE: License and registration please.

FRANK: Is there anything wrong officer?

POLICE: We got a complaint about you.

JOHN: We didn’t steal the signatures, honest. They were given to us.

POLICE: The complaint was not about signatures. It was about a Starbucks can that was thrown out the window. Breaker 1 breaker. Littering call being responded to with a 123.

FRANK: The irony of it all. Charlie, I knew you shouldn’t have had any coffee. At least we weren’t speeding.

JOHN: With this traffic, who can speed. Besides, we don’t get paid enough for driving this far just for a few signatures.

POLICE: Okay, you are going to get a warning for this, but I’m going to send it to you by text. Sound familiar?

JOHN: Sure, kind of like cattle calls. We’re used to that. Just don’t give us any $40 offers please.

POLICE: Don’t worry I won’t. And if I ever need anything notarized, trust me, I’ll call anyone except you!

FRANK: Thanks a bunch!

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March 1, 2019

A Notary can get a job in a bank more easily

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:34 am

If you are a Notary Public and want to get a job, sometimes it is easier to get a job at a bank, insurance agency or Real Estate office. Or , if you already have experience working for these types of offices and want to apply for a new job and have an edge, it might be helpful to become a Notary.

It is far easier to get a job in a bank if you are a Notary Public. Of course you need to have other skills to make hiring you viable. To become a Notary, just contact your state notary division. Commissioning requirements are different in each state, but generally easy unless you live in California where you have to pass a difficult test.

As a Notary in a bank, you will be notarizing mainly for customers, occasionally for staff members, but you can also freelance off hours. If your boss wants to see your journal, he has the right to request seeing a particular journal entry, and he can see it in your presence. Don’t hand over your seal and journal to your boss for him to walk off with – that might be considered a crime!

Being a Notary makes it easier to get a job in general, and you can also use your commission to freelance during nights and weekends. Many Notaries make a comfortable supplement to their living doing loan signings at night.

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February 8, 2019

Mission Impossible — Notary Version

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:33 am

Tom Cruise Does His Own Stunts in his Biggest Blockbuster Yet – Mission Impossible: The Notary

Your mission, if you choose to accept it… deal with a difficult signer who wants his family to move and if the signer signs a deed in trust, he’ll be locked into the mortgage and won’t be able to sell the house. You’re Tom Cruise. If they pay you 20 million more than a notary’s salary, you’ll accept anything!

Cut to: Tom is in the middle of a signing in a high rise for a husband and wife. The deranged high school drop out son doesn’t want the family to move. Since the signer would suffer economic consequences if he sold the house within several years of the new mortgage, the son runs in the signing, swipes the Deed of Trust, starts running up the stairs towards the roof and jumps off with his parasail. Tom quickly follows, encounters a rooftop party up there, pushes a reveler off the sofa, hops on the couch and leaps off it even more effectively than he did on the Oprah Winfrey Show couch, landing on the fleeing guy’s parasail just as he jumps off the building.

After the parasail lands, Tom and the son dismount. After a fist fight ensues, the son jumps into his getaway car. Tom hijacks another car with a bumper sticker that reads “Honk if You Hate Scientology.” Suddenly Tom’s eardrums nearly shatter from a whole bunch of cars loudly honking. After Tom notes what they’re honking at, a very, very wide bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if You Hate Signing Companies that take more than sixty days to pay if you’ve already sent two invoices,” Tom gives the other loud honkers the thumbs up and starts loudly honking himself.

Tom keeps following the other bad guy/signer, ending up in an industrial area on a narrow street. The car he’s pursuing is now two hundred feet ahead. With a truck coming toward Cruise at a 90-degree angle, he’ll be blocked unless he wants to shave his roof off! Tom screeches to a halt, rolls under the truck and runs towards the other car now a block ahead of him but blocked by 73 pedestrians on a field trip. The bad guy signer exits his car and starts to run, Tom runs towards him, flings his embosser at the guy’s head, knocks him out and retrieves the deed of trust!

By movie’s end, Tom finishes the signing, drops it at Fed Ex before the cutoff, and then asks the baddie in handcuffs:

“By the way, where did you get that parasail? It was an impressively smooth landing, no jerky motion or anything!”

Bad guy: “I went to Parasailsforless.com!”

Tom’s too rich to buy anything for less.

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February 1, 2019

The Me Too Movement affects Notaries in the workplace at a bank

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:32 am

Me Too Movement Meets the Bank Notary

In this era of sensitivity when it comes to unwanted sexual behavior in the workplace, even bank notaries need to be mindful.

Male co-worker: (to female notary) “Ooh, I love your seal.”

Female notary: “I’d like to have HR ram it up your rear end for sexual harassment.”

Male co-worker: “Wait. How is having something rammed up my rear my end not sexual harassment?”

Female notary: “Typical guy. With you, everything’s sexual.

Male co-worker: “Are you willing to sign an affidavit swearing under penalty of perjury that with me, everything’s sexual?”

Female notary: “Why ‘affidavit’? Sounds like ‘David’. Why not ‘affiMary?’

Male co-worker: “Look, I realize we all need to be more sensitive and attuned to sexual equality. But isn’t that a little nuts?”

Female notary: “Nuts?”

Male co-worker: “As in ‘crazy,’ not… you know!”

Just then, the boss arrived and asked the female notary, “Can I see your journal?”

Female notary: “You may be my boss, but I’d really appreciate it if you keep your suggestive comments to yourself, sir. How much of my journal do you need to see?”

Boss: “I need to review the misfeasance report.”

Female notary: “Misfeasance? Why not… Miz..feasance?”

Just then, Matt Lauer and Harvey Weinstein enter the bank.

Matt: (to female notary): “Sweetheart, I need to get something notarized.”

Female notary (beaming): “You’re Matt Lauer!”

Harvey Weinstein: (to Matt): “Hey! Don’t call her sweetheart. That’s sexist!”

Female notary: (to Weinstein) “Shut up, you pig.”

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January 25, 2019

Notary Hyatt Regency

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 7:16 am

Have you heard of the Notary Hotel or Notary Motel? If you have been working for high paying title companies, you can now afford the Notary Hyatt, but the breakfast isn’t included unless you have a special arrangement.

CHECK IN

NOTARY: Hi, I’m here to check in. I have a reservation for tonight.

CLERK: Ah yes, Mr. Public We’ve been awaiting your arrival.

NOTARY: Do I sign your journal based on the date I made the reservation or the date I check in?

CLERK: The date you check in — of course. Sign right here. And I will need a thumbprint.

NOTARY: Well I’m all thumbs — and besides, I’m too nice to give you the finger. Is it one journal entry per person per room, or one entry per person regardless of how many rooms?

CLERK: Just one journal entry, unless it is a corporate sale.

NOTARY: Do I get one key or two? And how about a pool wristband?

CLERK: The wristband has your inmate number on it, but can no longer be used for notarization per the new civil code 4583.45.

NOTARY: Oh, that’s too bad, but I don’t see myself being notarized in the hot tub. This is the first time I’ve heard “notarized” and “hot” in the same sentence.

CLERK: We certify that it gets up to 125. Don’t scald yourself. But you can get notarized underwater in the pool using our new underwater eNotary technology.

NOTARY: Great. If they drown, I can notarize their Death Certificate. Is the underwater eNotary technology hands free? My mother told me never to use electric appliances in the bath tub.

CLERK: No you just use your finger like you would paying your bill at a restaurant on one of those eSignatures. You can even buy a wet noodle underwater using our system.

NOTARY: That’s great, because I want to visit your Chinese spot next door. Can I get a Chinese continental breakfast with Shao Bing You Tiao tomorrow?

CLERK: Sorry — wrong continent. But, I will give you a complimentary breakfast ticket. Use it from 6am to 10am downstairs — don’t lose this. And here is your room key. It looks like a notary seal, just affix it to the rectangular pad on your door to get in.

MAID SERVICE: You will love our soaps in your room. We have one soap that is made with squid ink — especially for Notaries. An ancient Chinese saying says it helps you notarize better.

NOTARY: Hmm, never knew Confucius ever needed a Notary.

MAID SERVICE: Oh all the time. During the analects, he had to see a Notary several times in fact. And one more thing. There is a password to get into your room. We do this to keep the fake Notaries out. The computer embedded in the door will ask you to give Oath verbiage just to make sure you are upholding the law as a Notary Public. If you fail to give an applicable Oath, you might have to come down for a tutoring session before you get to sample our soaps.

NOTARY: I heard the remote for the TV was shaped like a Notary seal.

MAID SERVICE: That it is. But it is not one of those PhD remotes. It is really simple. Here, let me emboss your breakfast card so you can get a free omelette.

NOTARY: Cool, I mean hot.

(meanwhile the notary goes to his room.)

NOTARY: Wow, this joint is plush city… I wonder what’s on television. Oh, the Notary Channel. Who would have thought. Oh, another Notary channel for adults — Lucy embosses the seven sailors. Very naughty. I wonder how I can see a movie. Oh, I need to be notarized to see a movie to make sure I did not hit the buy key by mistake. My remote does a print out, I sign it, and then maid service notarizes it? Hmm. Let me ring.

MAID SERVICE: Hola — lociento pero no Ingles senor.. Just kidding!!!! You rang? Need something notarized? I love this concept. I am notarizing a Notary. Isn’t that like marrying your sister?

NOTARY: Not exactly. Here is the printout. I am ordering the movie Nancy breaks down the acknowledgment process. Something nerdy to fall asleep to.

MAID SERVICE: Oh, that is a good film. Nancy gets arrested in part three because she does something illegal by mistake because she skimmed through the tutorial instead of mastering the materials.

NOTARY: Finally a notary so bad, even Nicholas Cage won’t star in it. I gotta see this. Okay, here is my ticket. Please notarize it.

MAID SERVICE: This is a form is the same as a credit card receipt. There is no room for my notary seal!!! Just kidding, we use a small one for these forms. We have a customized seal for it in fact that we use just for movies. It is cleared with the Secretary of State too.

NOTARY: Super. How much do I owe you?

MAID SERVICE: Just a review on Yelp please. That is worth more than gold — providing it is a good review.

NOTARY: Well I’m going to say how you ruined the movie by telling me what happens in part 3.

MAID SERVICE: But, I didn’t tell you how it ends… So there will still be mucho suspense!

NOTARY : Good point.

(At breakfast)

Wow, I just love these eight large bronze circular containers with lids. This is a high-class breakfast. Or should I say Hyatt class. Hmm, the breakfast skillet looks good with the sausage, potatoes, onions, and peppers, I’ve never seen this before except at Denny’s, well, the pictures in the menu at Denny’s. Oh, certified Costa Rican coffee. That looks good. I love this place. (20 minutes later) Time to go back upstairs.

(At door to room)

DOOR: Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, “I want to take a shower.”

NOTARY: I don’t understand the question.

DOOR: Entry denied.

NOTARY: Hey, I paid a lot to stay here!!!

DOOR: But, this hotel is for Notaries only. If you don’t know how to administer an Oath, you are not a real Notary. You are fraud. Fraud alert buz buzz buzz. Fraud alert.

NOTARY: Okay okay okay. Do you solemly Affirm that whatever… that I want to take a shower.”

DOOR: BUZZZ wrong!!! You are having ME swear that I want to take a shower, not that YOU want to take a shower. And in an Oath, you swear not affirm. Don’t they teach you anything in Notary school?

NOTARY: In my state we don’t have Notary school.

DOOR: You can say that again. Please go downstairs for your tutorial and we will need to re-zap your key.

NOTARY: Is that the correct verb, to zap my key for another 24 hours of entry?

DOOR: Some people say “re-key” or configure your key.

(meanwhile downstairs)

TEACHER: Hello student. Do you know the difference between an Oath and an Affirmation?

NOTARY: Ummm.. Aren’t they the same?

TEACHER: They can be used interchangeably, but if the customer requests one, you cannot give them the other, that would be choosing the notary act for them and these are distinctly different, yet interchangeable notary acts.

NOTARY: Umm, but what if the signer doesn’t want to talk about God?

TEACHER: You can recommend an Affirmation if they don’t like God — their maker. But you cannot choose for them.

NOTARY: What if they object to the absence of God?

TEACHER: Not in this century. This is the no God century. I’ll be surprised if the entire earth doesn’t fry. Hell, fire and brimstone!!! Just say to the door, “Do you solemnly swear that you want to take a shower?” Then, wait for the door to say yes. Then, you will have to figure out how to get the door in the shower, and how it will have privacy where there is no door in the doorway.

NOTARY: Hmmm, very good point. But, wouldn’t it be the computer in the door that wants a shower? Perhaps we could give it a waterproof shower using new technology. Unless the door is just testing me.

(back upstairs)

NOTARY: I’m ready. I’m putting my key in, or my notary seal against the stamp pad. Open sesame.

DOOR: I have signed this paper and want an Acknowledged signature. Would that be okay?

NOTARY: Well I don’t feel comfortable notarizing something that you already signed. Can you sign it again?

DOOR: How badly do you want your shower with the soap with squid ink in it — in minute quantities of course.

NOTARY: Okay I’ll do it. Will I end up in jail like Nancy?

DOOR: If you read (not skimmed) but read your handbook, you would know. Access granted.

NOTARY: What a relief. Just as a disclaimer, the real Hyatt does not do stuff like this. They just let you into your room with your key with no notary questions. This blog is about the Notary Hyatt — completely different place. But, you know something. I like this place so much, I’d like to stay here for the rest of my commission until my expiration date. I wonder if they can make me a key that works for that long. In any case, I have appointments today, so I have to check out. Let’s see how that procedure works.

FRONT DESK: Please destroy your notary seal key and bring it to the Secretary of State County Clerk office on the main floor.

NOTARY: Where is that?

FRONT DESK: The next desk over. You will need to take your Oath of non-office there too now that you are checking out. It’s like a Notary Oath of office in reverse.

NOTARY: Got it. I’m filled with energy from the waffles, so I think I can handle it. See you next time.

.

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Notary Hotel 2 — The Sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

Discounts for early booking a Notary appointment? Hotels do this.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19072

.

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January 4, 2019

An American Notary dates Chinese Notary using an app.

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:35 am

An American Notary named Sam did not speak a word of Chinese, but yet dated Sun-Yee who didn’t speak any English other than what was necessary to pass the Notary exam. They met at a hotel convention center while taking their exam.

SAM: Hi there. I just love your hair.

SUN-YEE: Sorry, no English.

SAM: No problem, we can communicate using this app. I used it with my last foreign girlfriend who was Russian.

SUN-YEE: Oh, Russian.

SAM: The app didn’t translate the subtle nuances of Russian expressions into English. But, she was hot, so I didn’t care and neither did she.

SUN-YEE: Oh, I look up New Ants. Do you mean newly born ants from ant hill?

SAM: No, read this screen — “NUANCE.”

SUN-YEE: Oh, SAT word. Nuance. ha ha ha. I understand now.

SAM: Read this — would you like to date me?

SUN-YEE: I don’t know, are you into Notaries?

SAM: Read this — it takes one to know one.

Anyway, Sam and Sun-Yee happily dated for two months until the translate app got hacked and all of the messages were scrambled. Sam’s comment to Sun-Yee got him slapped.

SAM: Read this — You look nice today (hacked translation) You look like you are having an affair today.

SUN-YEE: Smacks Sam in the face.

SAM: Ouch, what was that for. Hmm. Was it something I typed? Maybe it is time to learn Chinese, and Russian while I am at it.

SUN-YEE: Hmm, I use dictionary to look up what you said for second opinion.

SAM: It is says something good, will you unslap me? Never mind. I’ll use my broken Chinese. If Chinese English is called Chinglish, then what is Americanized sounding Chinese? Am-Ching? NI HEN PIAO LIANG JIN TIAN pointing to i-phone.

SUN-YEE: Ohhh. I so sorry, translate wrong. I unslap you now. XIE XIE, NI YEH HEN HAO KAN.

SAM: Gee thanks… You said I am also very good looking. Hmm, I wonder if your dictionary has the term credible witness?

SUN-YEE: Oh, that sound’s dirty. You want someone to watch? SMACK!!!!

SAM: I seem to be getting beaten up here. This is pre-spousal abuse. How will I marry this girl?

Finally after another two weeks, the app was frozen, and could not be used. Sun-Yee lost her dictionary, and the two of them had no way to communicate other than by having a certified translator make a notarized copy of every sentence they said. They took him along on one date and then Sam decided he liked the translator better than Sun-Yee. So, ends the story of Sam & Sun-Yee. The moral of the story is that technology is all so wonderful until you have a power outage or get hacked.

After that, Sam learned perfect Chinese, but then fell in love with a Portuguese lady and found that his study had been a waste of time. He should have been studying Portuguese. But, then his girlfriend dumped him and he got a job in Chinese teaching English and found that his Chinese was useful after all. Too bad he couldn’t bring his Notary seal to China otherwise he could have made a mint.

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December 28, 2018

Notary Stand Up Routine

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:22 am

COMEDIAN: This is a great crowd here. This is my first time performing for a group of Notaries. In fact, when I came here, I didn’t even know what a Notary was. Can you fill me in here?

NOTARY #1: We can’t fill you in, because we only fill in forms.

COMEDIAN: Well, think of me like a form. So, what was the most unusual thing you ever notarized?

SAMANTHA: I notarized a criminal once. It was kind of scary.

COMEDIAN: Oh, a little aiding and abetting here.

SAMANTHA: Not abetting — abutting. We were notarizing paperwork for the next door property.

COMEDIAN: Oh, thanks for abutting in and telling me.

TOM: I notarized a stripper once. I got paid with a lap dance for the first signature, and she paid for the other signatures in ones.

COMEDIAN: Why does this not surprise me. So, have any of you thought of naming your kids Affi-David?

PAULA: I prefer Liath, that way when he does track, I can say, “Go Liath!!!”

COMEDIAN: An interesting twist on reality. I just hope he doesn’t fall short in track.

NOTARY #1: When I was a teenager, my mom walked in on me when I was notarizing with my friend. We were just practicing.

COMEDIAN: Oh, kind of like playing doctor? How embarrassing.

SAMANTHA: When I became a Notary, my state proctored an exam at a test station, but I heard them wrong and thought they said attestation. So, I went to the wrong place and had to reschedule my exam.

PAULA: Yeah, I had to take a blood test to be a Notary in my test. I passed the test, but they remarked that my triglycerides were a bit too high.

COMEDIAN: How about Oaths. Have you administered any unusual Oaths?

TOM: I had to do a remote court appearance Oath. I asked the lady if she swore to tell the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth so help her God. But, she was an atheist, so I changed the verbiage to “un-God.”

COMEDIAN: Personally, I prefer “non-God” but I’ll settle for un-God. So, has anyone notarized standing up?

PAULA: I notarized at Standing Rock standing up. But, I didn’t have a stand up routine, so my next signing was at Sitting Bull.

COMEDIAN: I hope you didn’t get gourd by the Sitting Bull.

NOTARY #1: I once went to notarize an acupuncturist. She was going to pay me by working on my neck. She wasn’t there. So, I turned around and got stung by a bee right in my neck. At first it hurt, and then my neck felt cured of its stiffness. It’s funny how the universe works.

COMEDIAN: What do you think about doing Notary work in space?

PAULA: Great, if I get paid for my travel time, assuming I’m not in a time warp.

COMEDIAN: Speaking of time, my time is up. You’ve been a great crowd.

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You might also like:

Best virtual notary comedy compilation
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

Compilation of Notary related sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

Compilation of posts about Notary & Politics
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20357

Notary Dating & Romance Compilation
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17451

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