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May 11, 2018

Fran the Nanny from Queens hires a Notary.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 11:16 am

FRAN: Oh, Mr. Sheffield, isn’t the butler supposed to do things like this, answering the door, calling Notaries, etc?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Yes yes, but he is out sick

FRAN: Does that mean that he would sneeze in snide and condescending way.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Of course not, why would he do that… well actually, hmm. Why are we discussing this? Just call that damn Notary, will you?

FRAN: Yes sir, right away.

FRAN: (ring-ring) Hello, is this Isaac from Glatt Kosher Notaries?

CHARLES: (British Accent) No, this is Charles, Isaac is out. In any case, thank you for calling GK Notaries where we can assist you with assumption clauses, affiant testimoniums, Jurats, Proofs of Execution and more.

FRAN: I need a Notary, but the last schmuck was such a putz that he did the whole job like a patsa and I had to shlepp to another guy right before shabbat. My tuchus has never recovered — gevalt!

CHARLES: I feel like we are not speaking the same language here.

FRAN: You’re telling me! Let me translate what I said into your language and then you can translate what you said into English. We’ll pay big bucks if you can send over a Notary who knows what he is doing.

CHARLES: Now, we’re communicating. Yes, we can send someone any time during the week.

FRAN: So, not to be personal, but where are all of the Jewish people in the office?

CHARLES: Well, you see, it is Friday and they like to leave three hours early to beat the Shabbat rush so they can prepare their food and get a good front row seat in school.

FRAN: You mean shul.

CHARLES: Yes, that too.

FRAN: But, you can have someone come today in an hour or two? My boss is a big time producer and he needs a contract notarized prompto.

CHARLES: Yes, well we have someone named Jack who is available. Shall I send him over?

FRAN: By all means. I’m so happy!

CHARLES: Well I’m happy that you’re happy?

FRAN: You are? (shocked) Oh right. I forgot, I’m trying to get used to this whole idea of taking delight at other people’s happiness.

CHARLES: What I’ve learned from working at this company, is that when I express delight at other people’s happiness, I have to say — you wouldn’t understand — it’s a gentile thing.

FRAN: I’m sure I’ll get used to it. In any case, I’ll have Mr. Sheffield get his ID and documents ready.

(ding… dong…)

FRAN: I’ll get it.

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

FRAN: Oh, very good pronunciation for a goy!

JACK: Thanks and funny you should mention that. Because when I was born we had a Jewish doctor.

FRAN: No kidding, so did I. Was your’s single? And is he still single? Never mind, he’s probably 80 by now, I’m not that desperate.

JACK: So, when I came out of the womb, he proudly announced — it’s a goy!

FRAN: That’s really funny. Anyway, Mr. Sheffield is upstairs in the study.

(the two go upstairs)

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Shattab shmaloom to you too.

FRAN: That’s not how you say it Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Close enough.

FRAN: By the way, Mr. Sheffield isn’t Jewish. But, I’m working on him. He’s becoming an expert on the foods of our people.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: That’s right, if it doesn’t have a “chhh” or other gutteral sound, it doesn’t go into your mouth. I have memorized several of these types of foods: choomosss, that’s the Israeli pronunciation, the Arabs are not as gutteral with this, then there is Schoog which is Yeminite, and then Challah which is egg bread. I’m more partial to the Challah, it’s easier to pronounce and easier on the system.

FRAN: Plus it’s milchik…. never mind. In any case. Let’s administer the Oath. Please raise your right hand. Do, you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that you agree to the terms and conditions in this contract, so help you God?

JACK: I think I’m supposed to do this part. Would you prefer an Oath or Affirmation?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: What’s the difference?

FRAN: In an Oath, you swear to a higher power, and in an Affirmation you affirm on your personal honor. Mr. Sheffield has a lot of personal honor by the way. More than any one else I know.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein, do you think that you could possibly just let the Notary do his job without any further interference? And besides, what are you, the notary’s druchshlepp?

FRAN: Wow, your Yiddish is really getting so much better. But, oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been reading up on the 123notary free blog posts teaching Notary knowledge. I’ve learned so much about Notary procedure and it was completely free.

JACK: Okay, please sign here, and let me see your ID… then, we can sign the journal. (two minutes later) Okay, now please raise your right hand… Oh gee, I forget what to say.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein (yelling into the hallway), you can come back now.

FRAN: Did you need help with that Oath? Less than 10% of New York Notaries know how to administer an Oath. Most don’t think they even need to. Okay Jack, just repeat after me. I Jack Collins take you Fran Fein to be my lawfully wedded. Ooops, sorry. I’m so desperate to get married. Okay, start over. Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to and will abide by the terms within?

JACK: Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to it?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: I do.

FRAN: OH, Mr. SHEFFIELD!!!! You have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words come from your lips!

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May 5, 2018

Psychically channeling Putin for Notary advice

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 10:15 am

I run a Notary directory, but I also know how to channel spirits and living entities. I might not be great at it, but get great business advice from doing exactly that. But, I decided to channel Putin as he is a very strategic guy. Here is how the channeling interview went.

JEREMY: Hello, Mr. Putin, how are things?

PUTIN: eh.. okay!

JEREMY: I wanted to ask you a few things about the Notary industry. You see, in America which seems intent on disintegrating into a third world country as fast as possible, we have some backwards things going on in the Notary industry.

PUTIN: Yes, tell me…

JEREMY: Well, you know during the cold war in Russia, you would hire someone to clean the gutter, and someone else to watch the guy cleaning the gutter, and a third guy to watch the guy watching the guy who was cleaning the gutter, etc. The problem was that the government pretended to pay, and the workers pretended to work. Communism might function better as an economic model if people had a reason to get up in the morning.

PUTIN: Have you tried Russian coffee?

JEREMY: No, is that a reason to get up in the morning?

PUTIN: No, it is a reason to not get up in the morning. It’s horrible. Stick with Starbucks double shots. Yummy.

JEREMY: I think you should drink one while riding a horse without a shirt on. That image works for you.

PUTIN: Thanks. I take pride in being shirtless, among other things.

JEREMY: Yes, it looks good, plus you rack up a lot less of a laundry bill.

PUTIN: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. The government pays mine.

JEREMY: Oh, well in that case, maybe you should wear two shirts simultaneously. Or wear one, and then immediately change into another.

PUTIN: Yes, I tried that. That reminds me of a line from Coming To America, where the African king said, “I once tied my own shoes… I assure you that the experience is over-rated.”

JEREMY: Good point. In any case, The Notary divisions are not watching the Notaries, except a little in California. And nobody is watching the Notary divisions. If we had an effective set of checks and balances, who should watch the Notary divisions which are state run?

PUTIN: The Feds.

JEREMY: And who should watch the Feds?

PUTIN: We should.

JEREMY: So, if there is a problem in a Notary division, will you write a letter to your pal Donald?

PUTIN: Actually, we did, but we did not get paid due to budget cuts. I blame it on the Republican party.

JEREMY: So our government pretends to pay you and you pretend to watch them?

PUTIN: No, we watch them, we just don’t provide services with the information we get when we watch them. But, we try to learn military secrets and find out who is cheating on their wives.

JEREMY: What a comforting thought — not. But, last month, I had a dream that someone in the CIA was concerned that you were not spying on them enough. Fred at the CIA got so concerned in fact that he wrote you a letter asking you if something was wrong.

PUTIN: Oh, yes, well , um, we do our best. You cannot ask for more than that.

JEREMY: Good point. In any case, my opinion on your idea to slowly grow your empire is as follows. Taking over Ukraine will cause tremendous unrest. And what’s the point? It is just another place just like the seemingly infinite land you already have. It might better to save your money and just buy a Greek island. They are broke and could use the money, and you guys could use a place that is warm.

PUTIN: Yes, but that would not involve a show of force, so where is the pleasure in that?

JEREMY: Well maybe you could have some other type of controversy with the Greeks about their debts where you could strong-arm them and show your superiority without any actual violence.

PUTIN: Actually, I like that. I will think about that. I am a little distracted. My friend is teaching some Shostakovich to his child in the next room. He keeps saying, “No, no, even though it sounds wrong, it’s still not right.”

.

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May 4, 2018

The Notary Plantation

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:44 am

Back in the 1800’s, Notaries had to pick signatures at The Notary Plantation. The irony of this blog is that one angry black notary told me that he didn’t work for my plantation any more back about eight years ago. I informed him that I don’t run a plantation, I provide advertising so that OTHER people’s Notary plantations can find you! How did I suddenly become the oppressor? I have never oppressed anyone so far. Repressed, suppressed or depressed maybe, but not oppressed.

Mr. JOHNSON: When you’re on this plantation, you better set your mind to picking signatures boy. Put your back into it.

NOTARY SLAVE (Jarvis): Yes master. But, may I have a drink of water?

Mr. JOHNSON: Do a good job, or you will be drinking ink, boy!

Ms. FIDDLE: Don’t worry Jarvis, I’ll teach you how to read just like you’ve always wanted to. We can start by practicing reading this new British comedy called Two Broke Blokes!

NOTARY SLAVE: Thank you Ms. Fiddle, and I do mean it. But, right now I have to Notarize signatures for the man. Otherwise he’ll ship me down the river, and Notary rules are strict down there I hear — they might even require journals.

Mr. JOHNSON: Or maybe I’ll ship you out west. I was out west a year ago and met this guy who is half Navajo and half Filipino. He had Adobo, in an Adobe. Ha ha ha. I’ll never forget that, but too much garlic.

NOTARY SLAVE: Are Filipinos slaves or free people?

Ms. FIDDLE: I think you better forget that conversation and do your work and then we’ll have our secret meeting. But, don’t mess around otherwise he will chain you to a desk while you do Notary work for this makeshift county clerk office he has in his waiting room.

NOTARY SLAVE: I had this dream that black people would be free, but that Chinese people will one day be slaves in New York Chinatown and will be chained to a stove making kung pao chicken.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yes, but nobody will regard them as real slaves because the leftist media will not publicize that fact and also because the slaves were not black. And if you reincarnate 150 years from now, don’t tell anyone that the first American slaves were Irish and not black.

NOTARY SLAVE: Irish? Boy have times changed. Now there the one’s building the railroads and then having kung pao when they reach the middle of the line and bump into those Chinese railway workers.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yeah, but there’s nothing worse than Szechuanese food cooked by Cantonese cooks, you know what I mean? It’s a gourmet thing.

NOTARY SLAVE: I’ll take your word for it. I can’t wait to get my freedom papers. Then, I can buy my own slaves and make them do Notary work and sign under duress.

Ms. FIDDLE: Now there’s a healthy attitude if I’ve ever heard one. But, if you sign under duress, that could be an issue in court. Anyway. Here’s a customer.

CUSTOMER: Hi, I need this Affidavit Notarized, but I’m not sure if I need an Oath or an Affirmation.

NOTARY SLAVE: According to my psychic, we won’t have Affirmations until long after freedom comes.

CUSTOMER: Freedom? You mean you’re administering signatures under duress? Well, that’s better than actually being a principal and signing under duress. How can you do this job if you are not allowed to know how to read.

NOTARY SLAVE: Just between you and me, I learned to read a little by reading Two Broke Blokes, but it got dicey when it got to the point where Randy wanted a sex change, but Gary said he better not otherwise he would go straight and start dating girls.

CUSTOMER: He wouldn’t!!!

NOTARY SLAVE: That’s what Randy said, but then Gary got a job in British East India as a tea merchant. The story gets complicated.

CUSTOMER: I’ll say. Does your master know about this reading activity you do?

NOTARY SLAVE: He says it’s okay just as long as I don’t enjoy it. But, I liked the part where Gary goes straight and then gets dumped by Gertrude in Bombay. What a sucker!

CUSTOMER: Oooh, I’m telling! Busted! Hey Mr. Johnson, your slave here actually enjoys reading!

Mr. JOHNSON: Get back to stamping boy! Uh oh, are those union soldiers blowing their trumpet? We’re in trouble. Even more trouble than Gary was in when Sally dumped him.

NOTARY SLAVE: Sally dumped him? I didn’t get that far.

Mr. JOHNSON: Look at page 156.

NOTARY SLAVE: Oh yes sir. And when I’m freed, in about 43 minutes, I’ll always think fondly of you, especially the time you let me have prime rib… I can still taste it.

Mr. JOHNSON: Prime rib? Page 158. I enjoyed that too.

(trumpets of union cavalry… soldiers storm the house, and free the Notary who goes on to be broke and do loan signing for low ball signing companies, but has fun reading trashy romance novels.)’

EX NOTARY SLAVE: I sure do love my newly obtained freedom. But, honestly, I went from living in a mansion having prime rib and reading British comedy novels to living in a slum working for signing companies who don’t pay on time…. Oh, and no prime rib. But, at least Gary and Randy made up. So, thank God for something.

Ms. FIDDLE: Time for some moo shoo. Are you game?

.

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April 27, 2018

Miami Vice — a shipment of illegal notary seals

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 10:37 am

CHIEF: Sonny, you need to take care of this. There’s a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming in, but we have no intel on it. Can you handle it?

SONNY: I’m on it. But, I don’t have any reliable sources.

RICO: We’ll use any sources we can get. But, we do have something. Remember Nuggie?

SONNY: Oh God, him again? I’m on it.

(Rico and Sonny travel downtown)

RICO: Let’s get a Cuban cafe first and then find out guy.

SONNY: Deal. I just hope our Ferrari is safe. We’ll keep it in eye distance. Besides it has an alarm.

RICO: Dos cafes cubanos por favor. Y rapido tambien. (Two Cuban coffes, and make it fast!)

(gunshots ring out)

SONNY: Get down….. (pause) I think our plan has a hole in it. Make that a coffee cup with a hole in it. I’ll call it in. (ring ring) Hey, there were gun shots on Sunset BLVD. We have no idea what it was about, but the car sped off and they’re gone now.

GINA: Okay. You can finish your coffee now.

SONNY: How did you know we were having coffee?

GINA: Oh, just a hunch. Call it women’s intuition.

NUGGIE: Hey man, how are my boys doing. The Nug-man has arrived, and arrived in style. Check out my new shades. My new wife bought me these. Ha ha!!! Don’t keep me long because the Nuggie has to Boogie, you dig?

SONNY: We dig. Listen. Do you know anything about a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming into Miami harbor on a freighter in the next few days.

NUGGIE: That all depends on who and how much is asking.

SONNY: Rico, do you have a hundred?

RICO: Here’s two Ben Franklins. This one’s important.

NUGGIE: Oh, allright. Benjamin is doing the asking in repetition. All I know if that a guy named Sanchez is moving some heavy cargo from the Dominican Republic. Word on the street is that they have a seal forging plant over there and the action is hot and humid. You dig?

RICO: Do you know anything about where and when? Or a last name?

NUGGIE: He’s in his late 40’s, Cuban and has a mustache last time I checked. His organization prefers to use fishing boats, but they switch things up quite a bit to keep the authorities guessing.

RICO: Thanks Nuggie, you’ve been a huge help.

SONNY: (ring ring) Gina, do you have any intel on a guy named Sanchez who smuggles using fishing boats.

GINA: Last I heard, he was smuggling fishing boats. What a great cover.

SONNY: Very funny. Do you have anything.

GINA: We have a profile on the guy I think you are talking about. We have names, addresses, and rap sheets.

SONNY: Great, we’ll get the bug van and see if we can pick up some knowledge tapping some phones.

(3 hours later)

VAN GUY: We got the van set up. Sanchez’s crew are in the address we are in front of. They are talking about all types of things. But, they have only mentioned stampers once. I guess by that they mean Notary Seal.

SONNY: Anything about a time or place?

VAN GUY: Nothing yet.

(six hours later)

VAN GUY: (ring ring) We got a time. Noon tomorrow, there’s going to be a transfer from one fishing boat to several inflatable motor boats. Real little ones. They will be carrying the merchandise underwater in bags. if there is any trouble, the seals will sink to the bottom and there will be no evidence unless you have frog guys.

RICO: I know how to dive. I’ll handle this.

VAN GUY: They put a big rock in the bag, so we will have to bring a decompression suit just in case you dive too deep.

TRUDY: Don’t we need a Navy Seal for this, instead of a Notary Seal. It sounds too dangerous for Rico. And where will he hang his suit when he’s diving?

RICO: I’m not worried about that because my wet suit comes with a wet tie, and matching spear gun just in case I need it.

GINA: Hey Sonny, remember that shooting when you were having Cuban coffee? I just found out that was not just a random shooting. That was a competitor of the guy you are chasing named Rubio. They have their own channels for selling fake Notary seals, and are moving in on the supplier.

SONNY: Change of plans guys. We are going to set up a rendevous between Rubio and Sanchez. Either they kill each other, or we can arrest all of them all in one meet. Rico, you pretend to be one of Rubio’s guys and set up the meet. In the ocean. The dress code is wet suits.

RICO: I’m on it.

(nine hours later — at the meet in the ocean. Rubio’s guys try to hijack the merchandise. There is a shoot out. Half of Rubio’s guys are killed and retreat at high speed far away. Sanchez’s guys do not follow. After Rubio’s guys move out, Miami Vice moves in.)

RICO: Freeze, Miami Vice.

(Sanchez’s guys drop the Notary seals into the water. Rico jumps into the water with his spear gun)

VICTOR: Bubble bubble bubble

RICO: You don’t really bubble bubble mean that bubble.

(A secret deal was going on under water. There were five guys in wet suits with underwater guns. But, the Notary seals they were selling were underwater notary seals used by Jacque Cousteau.)

RICO: I’m going to need bubble up, I mean back bubble up. There are fbub-bub-bub-ive of them and only one of me.

SONNY: Damn it. I never thought of that. Ugh!!!!

RICO: But, I brought an underwater charge. I come prepared for this kind of thing mon.

(boom… meanwhile Sanchez’s guys bubble to the surface all disoriented after the underwater blast. Miami Vice has them at gun point. Sanchez puts a gun to his own head because he doesn’t want to go back to jail.

SONNY: Don’t do it. Just put the gun down.

SANCHEZ: I am never going back to jail again. I have had enough. (bang)

SONNY: No!!!!!!!!

After that, the seals were returned to the Florida Notary commission who did not want the seals because they said, “State of Florida, County of Underwater.”

(meanwhile back on Sonny’s boat)

RICO: That was quite a bust. I’ve never seen anything like it. Not in New York, not here. What’s up with your alligator, he is trying to eat his chain.

SONNY: I call it a classic case of “areptile disfunction.”

RICO: Ha ha ha ha ha. Good one.

.

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April 20, 2018

A Notary sees a UFO

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 10:38 am

NOTARY: I saw a UFO, I really did, I really did.

SAL: Sure you did pal, we all saw it too…. not…

NOTARY: No, you gotta understand. I really saw it. It had lights and everything.

(The next day — the notary is coming home from an appointment. He sees lights and a UFO coming down from the sky slowly.)

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me.

ALIEN: No, but can you like us on Facebook?

NOTARY: Yesterday, I saw a UFO on my way back from a Notary job, and nobody believed me.

ALIEN: We can do something about that. We’ll reverse the situation. He Quantum, get the memory erasing device.

QUANTUM: Here it is.

ALIEN: (zip sound) Go back to your home earthling.

(Then, the space ship circled around town making a huge profile of itself.)

SAL: Hey, did you see that UFO. Everybody saw it. You were right.

NOTARY: I don’t remember seeing it. I think my memory blacked out that night. There seem to be three hours missing from my day yesterday. I have no idea what happened. I just remember a cornfield.

SAL: What are those strange marks on your neck. Did they inject you with something?

NOTARY: Oh God. I’ll have to see that shrink and go into a trance to figure out what happened.

(The next day… the spaceship returns.

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me?

ALIEN: Actually, we need these forms notarized. We have an intergallactic driver license. It is a government issued photo ID and expires in the earth year 3026.

NOTARY: Uh-huh. I cannot accept that partly because it has no issue date in earth years and also because you Aliens all look alike.

ALIEN: Hey, I resent that, I’m way better looking than Quazar over here even though I’m 300 years older. I’m actually 412.

NOTARY: Really, you don’t look a day over 399. Oh my God, what are we talking about. What am I doing here. But, if we can go into a time warp, California used to allow notarizing Jurats without ID back in 2001.

ALIEN: No problem, we have that technology but rarely use it. Unfortunately your seal would not have been issued in that date.

NOTARY: I kept the old one.

ALIEN: We are in business. Go and get it!

NOTARY: The main thing is that instead of me being the only one to see a UFO, this time around, everybody else saw it except me. Go figure.

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April 13, 2018

Some comedians look for notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:39 am

Two comedy writers were looking for a Notary. But, they wanted to try all of the directories out just to compare, and then started making jokes.

JAKE: What do you call a notary you found on Snapdocs who is white and from the East Coast?

SULLY: I don’t know.

JAKE: A White Atlantic Snapper.

SULLY: Oh, you mean a White Anglo-Saxon Atlantic Snapper. At least you didn’t call him a cracker. What about an African SnapMerican?

JAKE: Good one. When I use 123notary, I drink Coke, but when I use that other site I drink Snapple. But, when I use the third site I notate and rotate between sodas.

SULLY: Good one. What do you call someone who administers osteopathic written exams?

JAKE: I’m stumped, but I bet the answer will crack me up.

SULLY: A chiro-proctor.

JAKE: What did the Red Snapper use to get into his safe?

SULLY: A Chero-kee?

JAKE: By the way, what is the first item on the menu for a cannibalistic Japanese restaurant?

SULLY: Just going out on a limb here, an edible limb. Ummm. Raw men? I guess that’s pronounced Ramen. It’s less fun when you pronounce it that way though.

JAKE: I was just thinking about that, you know when you buy ramen noodles you have a choice of chicken, beef, or oriental flavor. Isn’t that a little bit politically incorrect?

SULLY: Yeah, it should be Asian-American flavor. The flavor was probably invented in the 70’s before all of this PC stuff came into existence.

JAKE: Hey, did you know that the Atlantic ocean’s name is derived from the Mayan word for water which is “Atl?”

SULLY: No, I never knew that. Probably from Atlantis which no longer exists above water. Maybe it will come back. Then we can hire an Atlantian Notary.

JAKE: Cool…

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April 6, 2018

The curse of the Notary mummy

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:28 am

A few years back, and Egyptologist went to Giza to do some research one some new findings. There were mummies buried in a chamber far deeper in the pyramid that had never been discovered before. The maps of the interior of the pyramid did not include this room and it was discovered using sound technology. The sound technology spotted (perhaps heard would be a better word since it is sound technology) a hollow area far within the ten thousand year old pyramid.

The historian was from America and was very logical. He didn’t believe in curses. After all, we all know that couldn’t possibly be real. So, he ignored the warnings from his Egyptian colleagues and went into the chamber — alone!!! He discovered all types of artifacts and encrypted messages written in hyroglyphics on the wall. It reminded him of his last trip to Hunan Garden where the bill was written in hyroglypics. There was a bird character, some people walking like Egyptians pointing their hands forward, a paper, and then a notary seal. Oh my God. Our historian had discovered an ancient Egyptian Notary Public.

Then he looked further. There were pictographs of the king asking him to administer an Oath. But the Notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths.” Maybe that’s how the Notary died. He was so poorly trained, that the king or Pharoah had him put to death to teach a lesson to the other Notaries. The other Notaries said, “That’s so unfair—o!” In any case, the Notary must have either been high ranking in the dynasty he lived in or have been from a prominent family to be mummified. Enbalming don’t come cheap, and neither does space in a pyramid. I tried looking up rooms in pyramids on Craig’s list and the prices were astronomical.

In any case, this dumb Egyptologist took the liberty to open the casket and try to move the mummy. Immediately his lamp flickered, his electronic devices suddenly failed. He was all alone, in the dark and screamed — help!!!! Luckily, he was able to feel his way out of the room, down the hall and to his awaiting comrades who were down the hall. His colleagues warned him that terrible things would happen because of what he had done, but he didn’t believe them. After all, this was just a coincidence, right?

Nothing bad happened to that historian. However, many people working for signing companies who don’t pay Notaries reported having dreams of mummies coming unenbalmed following them around. Perhaps the mummy in question did not get paid by ancient Egyptian signing companies and wanted revenge on signing companies, but not on archeologists (hmm). One reported that it was hard to breath and felt something pressing on her chest. Another felt something touching her at night that wasn’t there. Finally the signing companies started to talk to each other. They decided they were being haunted by the spirit of the Notary mummy. Something had to be done. So, finally after a few years of discussions and talking to people in Cairo, they decided to have someone go back into that pyramid into the forbidding chamber and close that casket once and for all.

But, the person chosen to close the casket decided that the mummy would feel much happier if he put a Notary journal in the casket with him to take to the afterlife. They put the journal in, closed the casket, and moved it back to where it had originally been. Then the dreams continued. The mummy said, “My state doesn’t require journals!” People in five different signing companies had this dream.

Finally, they called a Shaman in to solve this for good. The Shaman had a clever plan. He had someone imposter the mummy’s Notary seal, and the mummy’s spirit was called into Notary Court in heaven. The judge asked for evidence of the transaction that the notary allegedly notarized. The Notary explained that his state didn’t require a journal. The judge sentenced him to 100 years in spirit jail. Kind of a harsh sentence, but the bad dreams stopped, and everyone was happy. The Shaman made out well as he got free notary service for life and after-life which was all fine and dandy until he asked for an Oath and the notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths. Then the Shaman looked up their state handbook, found out that they do indeed do Oaths in the Notary’s state, reported the Notary to the Secretary of State, and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, the shaman decided to put some ancient egyptian money in the casket where the mummy with a note in hyroglyphics that said it was from that ancient Egyptian company that never paid him. The note said — payment plus 3000 years worth of interest.

And so ends the saga of the Notary mummy.
The moral of the story is — never trust a dead Notary who doesn’t keep a journal.

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April 2, 2018

Compilation of posts about notary & politics

Filed under: Compilations,Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:45 pm

POPULAR
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The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17023

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ALPHABETICAL
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A Notary guest speaker gets harrased by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19463

His first 100 days
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19258
How Carmen dealt with some Alt-right customers
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19092

Is Trump to blame for a Notary slowdown?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19138

If Trump hired you as a Notary, would you get fired?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19120

Letter to Trump about the sad condition of American Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19403

Notarizing Jeff Sessions on Torture
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19296

Notary speaker offends college students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19395

Notarizing David Duke with Bernie Sanders
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19302

Notarizing the health records of Hillary and Trump
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18939

The immigration debate — both sides are missing the point
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19485

Trump caught on mike with a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18982
.

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March 28, 2018

George Lopez Notary Public

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:10 am

GEORGE: Hey Angie, I think we need a Notary for Carmen’s report card.

ANGIE: Okay, I can call one. Can you use the online yellow pages.

GEORGE: I prefer the paginas amarillos, but I’ll settle for whatever I can get.

ANGIE: If you use the paginas amarillos, you will get a Notario Publico. I’m not sure if that’s even legal.

GEORGE: Just as long as it’s barely legal. You know what I mean. Like that swim suit you wore last year.

ANGIE: Hey, I like that swim suit.

GEORGE: Me too!

ERNIE: Hey guys. I overheard you need a Notary to notarize a swim suit? That’s going to be one very small notarization in two pieces.

ANGIE: You can’t notarize a swim suit.

GEORGE: I know, there would be hardly anything to notarize, in your case.

ERNIE: You know, I just had lunch. I saw some old ladies eating potatoes. How pathetic, you know?

GEORGE: I know. You saw mamas eating papas.

CARMEN: Very funny. Like cannibalism. Like the time I went to have Japanese food at a cannibalistic restaurant where the first item on the menu was Raw Men.

GEORGE: Hey Carmen, you are too young to be eating raw men. At least cook them first and get some frijoles tambien!

CARMEN: For your information, my report card cannot be notarized. We need your signature on a document saying that you saw my report card.

ANGIE: Oh, so now we are getting technical.

CARMEN: If you don’t get technical, the notarization will not be honored or even possible.

GEORGE: Good point. Which of my ID’s should I use?

ANGIE: The one that’s not expired!

GEORGE: Oh, I better check. But, don’t we need to draft a document?

BENNY: I can draft the document. I have plenty of experience with this getting my ex-boyfriends out of jail and getting their vehicles out of impound. What does the document need to say?

ANGIE: It says right here?

GEORGE: Can I write it in Spanish and then get a certified translator?

BENNY: That’s gonna cost you, and there’s no guarantee the translation will be correct.

GEORGE: Well, what if I pretend I can’t speak English, then can the Notary still Notarize my signature?

ANGIE: I think that direct communication is required for notarizing a person’s signature in most states according to the 123notary.com blog.

GEORGE: 123notary? Well why use the paginas amarillos when we can use uno dos tres notary punto com!

VIC: It sounds more like a Cuban radio station the way you say it. It makes me want to get my congas out of the closet because they are collecting dust.

ANGIE: But, if you play them you will be raising the dust, and we wouldn’t want that!

VIC: Silence, and let the master take part in his trade…. Rumba… my boriquen rumba… ay mi dios my rumba, sumba y catumba… felices!!!!

ANGIE: What happened to ritmo cubano?

VIC: This one is Puerto Rican, just like the Notary who’s coming in five minutes. I already arranged the meeting and drafted the document. You see. I am a step ahead of you. All I ask, is that you let him lead. Notaries from San Juan are like that.

NOTARY: I’m here! Which one of you is Vic.

VIC: Me, of course, the good looking one papi.

GEORGE: I’m good looking too… most of the time, at least when I’ve had my hair done. I’m the signer, so here is my ID.

NOTARY: You don’t look like the guy in the photo.

GEORGE: Oh that’s because I had my hair done for the photo, but didn’t today. But, the eyebrows should match. See???

NOTARY: Hmm. Okay. Sign here, and then sign my journal.

GEORGE: Journal? Nobody told me anything about a journal.

NOTARY: Su firma aqui por favor!

GEORGE: Okay… ahorita!

NOTARY: Stamps the form. Here you are. Your daughter is off the hook. Your DJ, that’s another story. I know a good conga teacher not far from here.

VIC: Hey, I am practically a professional, what are you talking about? Hey, doesn’t George have to swear under Oath?

NOTARY: Not today. Maybe next time if you are lucky. Just keep your arm flexible just in case I ask you to raise your right hand.

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You might also like

Jane the Virgin Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14899

Psych Notary Episode. This the victim die of food poisoning or was he murdered?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19397

Notary with Tourettes syndrome
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18999

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January 26, 2018

The new acknowledgment form for transgender people

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:28 am

With all of this politically correct nonsense going on, there will soon be an official change to Notary paperwork so that the LGBT community’s needs will be represented. The current form (I made this up) says:

On (date), before me (name of notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument, and acknowledged to me that he/she/they executed the same in their his/her/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

But, as of January 1st, 2019, the new form will read.

On (date), before me (name of Notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument and acknowledged to me that

(he/she/he who used to be a she/she who used to be a he/he who dresses like a she/she who dresses like a he/T/they)
executed the same in his/her/it’s complicated/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/unclear/it’s/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

Additional information
The signer’s “assigned” gender is male/female
The signer’s “current” gender is male/female/ambiguous/depends on how long the line is to the bathroom
The gender indicated on the identifcation is male/female
The sex change or change in dress happed before/after when the ID was issued.

On a brighter note, I had lamb with shishito peppers. I asked the waitress if shishitos had genders. The male could be a he-shito, and the female a she-shito. She said it didn’t work like that. I told her that was for the best, because what if we got a transgender-shito? That would be confusing.

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