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July 20, 2018

What is a four letter word you have to use in the presence of a Notary?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:51 am

Here are some questions to jog your memory.

What is a four letter word you use in the presence of a Notary that you don’t use in an Acknowledgment?
Oath

What is a five letter word meaning to put your stamp’s impression on a piece of paper?
Affix

Which Notary act has no signature and no God?
Affirmation

Which Notary act does the principal signer not need to show up?
Proof of Execution

Which Notary act makes you prove that the principal signer was executed?
None, but sounds like a proof of execution.

Which Notary act does not required signing the document in the presence of the Notary Public?
Acknowledgment

Which Notary act has a signed document as well as an Oath or Affirmation?
Jurat

Which profession has their clients swear without using any profanity?
Notary Public

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July 13, 2018

A dream about Michelle Obama’s inspirational speech

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:31 am

Can you imagine if Michelle Obama became a Notary? Nobody would complain that she came to an appointment without dressing well. But, what if she gave inspirational Notary speeches? Here is a speech I imagined while daydreaming.

As a Notary Public, there are many forces of nature that you have to deal with. Signing companies, interest rates, the secretary of state, the threat of law suits, and more. You have to hold your head up high and stay positive. You have to do your best when confronted with any obstacle. You have to keep the right mentality — so, here is how we do it.

When they sign down;
We sign up;

When they have the Power of Attorney;
We gravitate the power;

When their identification is missing a letter;
We don’t let that get us down (and also refuse to notarize);

When they cancel an appointment;
We schedule another one (or have a quick bite at Jack in the Box in the $1 menu.)

When they don’t pay us on time;
We bill them on time;

The other thing we do, is the Notary Mom dance. Watch this…. (the dance involves a huge Notary stamp she waves to the left and then waves to the right.)

I am all charged up now. I think Michelle Obama should lead the Notary industry. We’d all be a lot happier. But, she would probably make you know your notary basics which would put many of you out of business. But, it is never too late to learn!

.

You might also like:

10 ways female Notaries can protect themselves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19196

The war between men and women notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3693

A Notary at a Bat-Mitzvah
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19389

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July 6, 2018

Trump in North Korea

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:31 am

TRUMP: I won’t hack you if you don’t hack us. And I have the best hackers of them all. I just have them devoted to defending us from hacking for ethical reasons.

KIM JONG UN: No deal. And stop calling me missile man. And the texts have to stop. It is demeaning. In my country you get thrown in the gulag for stuff like that.

TRUMP: Thank God I don’t live in your country. On the other hand, if I lived in your country, I wouldn’t have to put up with all the flack from angry people who hate me. Hmm. You know, maybe your country isn’t so bad, if you overlook that Twitter is either censored or not allowed.

KIM JONG UN: The human species lived for thousands of years without Twitter.

TRUMP: True, if you consider that to be “living.” The human species also lived for thousands of years without weird haircuts.

KIM JONG UN: There you go again, picking on me about my haircut, my missiles, next thing you know you will criticize my taste in women.

TRUMP: Due to recent allegations, I will refrain from commenting on that. In any case, I want to sign a non-hacking Affidavit. But, you have to sign first.

KIM JONG UN: A North Korean Notary cannot accept a driver’s license from a country like yours.

TRUMP: I have a passport too.

KIM JONG UN: We need to take you to the North Korean DMV and get you a real ID. They have good kimchee and sam-gyup-sal next door to the DMV.

TRUMP: Normally I would say no to this type of request, but I can imagine all the fun the late night television hosts will have with this one. Deal. I’ll get my Korean license. What do I need to bring?

KIM JONG UN: Bring your driver’s license, passport, and a personal letter of approval from your’s truly.

TRUMP: Great, then I can be notarized by a Korean Notary. My dreams are finally coming true. Next item of business. I can introduce you to a great company that builds walls if you want to build a wall on the Chinese border. You know how it is with people illegally entering, or in your case exiting your country.

KIM JONG UN: You know something Mr. Trump, I am beginning to like you more and more. I forgive you for your Twitter comments, can you give me the number of the wall building company? Great minds think alike. We are best friends now, like you and Putin.

TRUMP: Hey wait a second. That is a false statement. Putin and had a falling out because of a disagreement about a tennis game.

KIM JONG UN: Well, better than a disagreement about a notarization or haircut.

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July 1, 2018

SnapDocs wants to sell shares on Shark Tank

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Disclaimer – This article is purely for comedic purposes and I very much doubt that SnapDocs wants to sell its shares to Shark Tank.

CONTESTANT: Hello sharks. I would like to sell 50% of my business SnapDocs to you. We are an innovative platform where someone can hire a Notary, pay the notary, download documents, and look up reliability stats all using our convenient platform. We charge a fee that changes over time for using our services and looking up Notary information. We make “x” amount of money per transaction with a yearly profit of “y” dollars. We have been in business several years, so we are not brand new, but we are growing and are going to attempt to take 123notary’s market share as they are the leader of the notary advertising industry — so far…

Mr. WONDERFUL: Can you show us a little about how your features work?

CONTESTANT: Yes, you see you can share snapdocs with friends by using this feature here, We can get hard to get information on title companies which is valuable for attracting notaries using this other feature, and our best feature is the “Beat 123notary” feature.

LORI: How does the beat 123notary feature work, because I’m interested?

CONTESTANT: Umm. Awkward. That feature doesn’t seem to be working now, but programming is on it. We get more clicks than 123notary now, but only from people who don’t pay their notaries that well. 123notary keeps getting the good jobs.

Mr. WONDERUL: Maybe that is because they have better Notaries than you.

BARBARA: What good is having the best technology if you have the worst Notaries?

CONTESTANT: We’re trying to talk the best Notaries into working for the fees offered from those who use our site.

Mr. WONDERFUL: And how low are those fees?

CONTESTANT: (awkward pause) Um… Someone made $125 the other day.

LORI: The other day? How about in general?

CONTESTANT: Hmm. Let’s change the topic of the conversation. I would like to sell 20% for One Million.

MARK: Since you’re making money from this, and it is unclear whether 123notary will take your market share or whether or not you will take theirs, I will offer $100,000 for 20%.

CONTESTANT: $100,000? That is what we pay programming in several months.

LORI: I’m out, because it is too unpredictable, and it is not exciting enough.

BARBARA: I’d rather buy part of 123notary. They really scrutinize their Notaries which results in a better quality site, even though the Notaries are always complaining about being scrutinized.

LORI: 123notary is not for sale. Jeremy says it is his baby and he will never sell unless he is unable to care for it anymore.

Mr. WONDERFUL: Or runs out of baby formula. I’m out.

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June 29, 2018

Shark Tank — Notary Traffic Freezer for Notaries

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:14 am

ANNOUNCER: Next into the tank is a way to make traveling a breeze.

ALICE: Hi Sharks, my name is Alice and I’m seeking one million dollars for 5% of my company.

ROBERT: Woah!

ALICE: How many times in traffic and thought, this isn’t a way to spend our precious time on earth! What if I could adjust the traffic around me and get to where I need to be! Well sharks, now you can. With Notary Traffic Freezer, you can get traffic to stop around you, and get traffic lights to always turn green when they sense you coming. You would have to get around on a motorbike so you could weave in and out of the stopped cars. It’s a little bit like being in an ambulance assuming people are obedient and pull over and stop.

Mr. WONDERFUL: That’s interesting, but right now in the Notary industry, Notary jobs are frozen and nobody’s getting paid on time. Maybe you should have a signing company check unfreezer, so the checks start coming in on time. Your product isn’t going to do any good until people start getting some jobs.

ALICE: Well, the economy could turn around any minute. And notaries who are seasoned pros, don’t have any trouble getting work.

ROBERT: I have trouble getting to work, can non-Notaries use this too?

LAURI: Isn’t that illegal to use space age technology to freeze the actions of people around you? It sounds like something aliens in space ships would do.

ALICE: That’s exactly where we got the technology from. They sold it to us in exchange for liking them on gallactic Facebook. I guess they are so advanced that they think this type of technology is cheap.

Mr. WONDERFUL: I think that you’re going to get arrested. But, other than that I like the idea. I’m out for legal reasons.

LAURI: I’m out too.

ROBERT: I’m out as well, but can you take me to your leader?

ALICE: I would, but Trump doesn’t like aliens. But, don’t worry, my alien friends are talking about returning in 314 earth years, so they’ll be back. And besides, if the cops come to arrest you, you can just freeze them and run away.

LAURI: That’s a very good point, but I’m still out, unless you’re going to beam me up.

ALICE: We are also working on a time machine where you can get to any GPS coordinate in real time or another time without freezing anyone.

LAURI: Well that fits into my schedule. Just set the coordinates to ten minutes ago, and I’ll get paid well if I’m getting paid by the hour. I like it. Let me know when (no pun intended with the when remark) you have your time machine ready.

ALICE: Okay, It’ll be ready yesterday! I’ll have to contact Zorbon about that though. I’m not sure if he’s as flexible about sharing his time technology, at least not this time.

.

You might also like:

Shark Tank – 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Driving – Notary Ed similar to Driver’s Education
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19132

Shark Tank — Self Driving Notary and other posts (popular string)
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

The Towles Booth
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9456

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June 15, 2018

Roseanne calls the NNA when she thought she was calling the NRA.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , , — admin @ 9:10 am

Speaking of rebooting a show that doesn’t deserve to be rebooted. Here’s what happens when a Trump supporter becomes a Notary Public.

Roseanne was using Google to look up the NRA, but due to a typing error, found the NNA instead, and then started reading.

ROSEANNE: Hmm, this NNA organization sounds really helpful. They teach you everything you need to know to be a Notary, plus they sell ammunition… um, I mean supplies like Acknowledgment pads. I wonder if you can shoot an Acknowledgment.

DAN: Hey, shoot me over an Acknowledgment!

ROSEANNE: Oh, so you can shoot an Acknowledgment. Cool. I’m gonna call the NNA. (ring ring) Hey NNA, what would you carry if you were on a Notary trip?

NNA: Oh, well, we have an NNA carry-all bag.

ROSEANNE: I like these people already (yelling) Hey Dan, these folks have a carry-all bag! Hey NNA, can you fit a dead moose in one of your bags?

NNA: Um, I’m afraid that these bags are more for Notary supplies and can fit a journal, and a few pads of paper, seals, etc.

ROSEANNE: Well can you teach me how to operate one of them seals, take it apart, and clean it real nice… and reload it?

NNA: We can sell you some replacement ink. You just press the seal down to operate it.

ROSEANNE: Ahh (nasal), do I need any ear protection headset when I shoot your seal gun off?

NNA: I think you’re confusing us with the NRA.

ROSEANNE: I just want you people to know that I support second amendment — the right to bear Notarial arms.

DAN: Honey, you have the right to bear arms, but till you lose a little weight I’d wear long sleeves if I were you.

ROSEANNE: Stay out of it. If that ain’t the kettle calling the pot black. And then speaking of pot, can you operate a loaded notary seal under the influence of Marijuana?

NNA: Um, I believe that is a state specific question that is not covered by Notary law. Please consult an Attorney.

ROSEANNE: Do you know any Attorneys who smoke pot, or Attorney Notaries? Well, they’d have to smoke tons of pot if they would want to be Notaries, right?

NNA: The Notary profession is a very respected profession that has been around for hundreds of years. Please do not defile our profession. We gain tremendous pride from reading about our Notaries of the year as they contribute tremendous integrity to our profession.

ROSEANNE: Well, whaddo I gotta do to be Notary of the year?

DAN: Wait for a really crappy year when everybody else really sucks.

NNA: Well, let’s first start with getting a Notary commission and learning our Notary Basics, shall we?

ROSEANNE: Is there a way I can become Notary of the year on false pretenses? I’m a good liar. I lie about my age and my sex life. Hey Dan, I’m 30 right?

DAN: Yeah, and you’re really hot too, and I’m not just talking about your flashes.

ROSEANNE: See how good I am at telling the truth about myself in a deceitful way?

NNA: You see maam, the Notary profession is based on integrity. The role of the Notary is to keep accurate records, deter fraud, and be completely honest in all transactions.

ROSEANNE: You missed your calling in life, you should have been a church lady, isn’t that special? Or a mime, that way I wouldn’t have to hear you.

NNA: Well just let us know when you are commissioned, and we’ll take it from there. Just make sure you get this all done before the end of Notary season. (hangs up.)

NNA PERSON #2: There’s no such thing as Notary season.

NNA: You have to make hunting references when you’re talking to this lady otherwise she can’t relate to anything you’re saying.

NNA PERSON #2: Okay, time for lunch. Are you up for anything gamey?

NNA: In Chatsworth, CA? Good luck!

.

You might also like:

Letter to the NNA about Notary Testing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19401

I am a Notary in good standing with the NNA
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19278

Need an NNA Alternative?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19234

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June 8, 2018

The Ellen Show — Dodge the Notary Stamp Game

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:09 am

ELLEN: Today we have a special treat for you. We have three Notaries who came in to tell us about their experience. And we a few surprises for them as well. Our first guest’s name is Tricia. Tricia has had some bad luck in the Notary industry, but maybe we can help. Hi Tricia.

TRICIA: Hi Ellen, you’ve always been my favorite.

ELLEN: Oh, great. Don’t tell your grandmother that.

TRICIA: And I have my coffee every day in an Ellen mug that I got at Warner Brothers.

ELLEN: Boy, what a small world, because I have my coffee every day in a mug that says Tricia. So, Tricia, tell me about your experience.

TRICIA: Well, I did close to a hundred signings for this particular signing company. They kept stringing me along and they never paid me. Boo hoo!

ELLEN: Oh no. Well, did you bill them?

TRICIA: I billed them, but there were just a bunch of excuses, and no check.

ELLEN: Oh there’s no excuse for that. Well there’s lots of excuses for that, but you know what I’m saying. Well we have a surprise for you. We have a man backstage who specializes in helping people recover late fees for services. He runs a collection agency called, “Pay me my money punk.”

TRICIA: (tears in her eyes.) Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me (sniffle.)

ELLEN: But, we need a little something from you. Do you like to play games?

TRICIA: Everything but chutes and ladders.

ELLEN: Well our games have a few chutes, but no ladders, except for the lighting crew, and they have insurance. Anyhoo, this game is called dodge the seal.

TRICIA: Okay. So, do I start out where the “x” is in the middle of the stage.

ELLEN: Yes, but don’t expect to stay there long after you sign a body sized signature of your name otherwise you will get stamped by a twenty-five foot wide foam Notary seal and will be covered with ink. After you sign the first signature, go to the signature and do the same thing.

TRICIA: Okay. (Tricia grabs the pen which is larger than she is, signs her name. Runs to the next signature, but the seal crashes down before she can sign. Then she returns to the second signature and gets stamped and covered with black ink from head to toe.

ELLEN: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess you got stamped. Now you see how life is on the other side of the table. You can wash up backstage. But, before you go. We have another surprise for you.

TRICIA: Another surprise? I’ve had enough surprises for a month Ellen.

ELLEN: Well, this one is a check for $10,000

TRICIA: Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening. Thank you Ellen.

ELLEN: You’re welcome

TRICIA: Oh, and one more thing before I clean up. You should have a show called Favorite Ellen moments. I have a favorite Ellen moment from twenty or so years ago. Remember on Finding Nemo you played the whale? That is my favorite Ellen moment. “Do you speak (voice goes up four octaves) whale (very low tone) …..”

ELLEN: I do speak whale, but right now I have to go to my next contestant. Good luck to you Tricia!!!

After that Ellen interviews some other Notaries. One claimed to be on the 123notary Notary of the Year list, but Ellen pointed out that 123notary doesn’t have Notaries of the year — busted! The third Notary wanted to get more business and Ellen instructed her to get Elite Certified by 123notary. Let us know if you like the Ellen show and we can do more in the future.

.

You might also like:

Best Virtual Comedy Compilation Updated 2018
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

See our string of Psych episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=psych

Animals – 20 posts about animals at signings
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3074

Coffee — Notaries in cars getting coffee
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18945

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June 1, 2018

American Idol for Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 9:08 am

The Notary wannabe appears before the judges.

RYAN SEACREST: So, how long have you wanted to be a Notary.

NOTARY: Ever since I was old enough to sign my name in the sand on a tidal affidavit.

RYAN SEACREST: Dream big, go gettem.

LIONEL RITCHIE: And who do we have today.

NOTARY: Normally, I say hi, but to you Lionel, I say, hello, is it me you’re looking for.

LIONEL RITCHIE: Well it’s you we’re looking at, at a minimum. And if you keep up at this rate it’s going to be “All night long.” So, what are you going to be doing for us today?

NOTARY: Well, since I don’t sing any songs other than, “You give Notaries a bad name,” and “Subscribed and sworn to before me by.” which are classics in our industry by the way. But, I’m going to administer an Oath for you tonight.

KATIE PERRY: Oh good, I love Oaths. I took an Oath once, that I’d do this show for 20 million dollars.

LUKE BRYAN (Southern Guy): So, let’s hear it. Do you need an Affiant?

NOTARY: A what?

LIONEL RITCHIE: Don’t you need an Affiant if you do “swear you swear me… that’s the way it should be…”

LUKE BRYAN: What about Notarizing on the ceiling?

NOTARY: That would be great, but where would I sit? What about once, twice, three times a Notary?

LIONEL RITCHIE: An Affiant is the person who swears under Oath in an Oath. You’re supposed to know that as a Notary. You haven’t been studying from the 123notary free Notary Public 101 course, have you.

NOTARY: No, knowing these technical terms doesn’t really matter.

LUKE BRYAN: It does it if means you can’t perform your job.

KATIE PERRY: Or perform on our show. If there’s one thing us ladies can’t stand, it’s a guy who can’t perform.

NOTARY: Can I swear you in Lionel?

LIONEL: Sure. Notarizing will find a way. So, show us what you can do!

NOTARY: Okay, (singing) “Please raise your right hand — whoa ee whoa whoa whoa.”

LIONEL: (singing) Is it your seal that I’m looking for??? (raises right hand)

NOTARY: (singing) I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile, you’re all I’ve ever wanted to swear in, my heart is open wide. Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

LIONEL: Mr. Notary, I signed a document here in front of me. I am not about to make a statement, I signed a statement in the past tense. It is true, but not the whole truth. We are not in court here doing Oaths for witnesses. This is a document Oath. I don’t think you’re ready for this show. You need to take a few years off and learn the craft in timing. You can always come back.

KATIE PERRY: Sorry, but you’re not going to get the golden ticket.

LUKE BRYAN: I agree, I vote no.

LIONEL: One, two, three times a no!!! But, you can study from (singing) one, two, three, notary dot com, oh baby baby baby, get down with the one two three…. they teach you everything and mostly for free.

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May 25, 2018

Psych episode — busting the Russian Mafia with help of a Notary.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:06 am

Psych Episode — custom’s agent is dead, but who is the killer?

SHAWN: We have a new assignment. But, we might need Lassie’s help.

GUS: I hate working with him, that arrogant prick.

SHAWN: But, we need him. We work well together. A custom’s agent is dead. It is up to us to find the killer. But, it’s still unclear how he died and who killed him if anyone.

(Shawn and Gus go to see Woody for the autopsy)

WOODY: Still working on it. Oh, wait.

SHAWN: Wait a second (putting finger to his head), I’m getting something. Yes, I’m definitely getting something. The spirits are telling me something. The custom’s agent did not die peacefully… he was injected with something, but what?

WOODY: Here it is. His inner thigh has needle marks. He could have been poisoned. I’ll have to send a sample to the lab.

GUS: Meanwhile, we need to investigate. We need to know who the last several people were to have seen Mike Williams, the custom’s agent.

(three hours later after seeing some police investigation files)

SHAWN: The last person to see the custom’s agent was Anatoly Kruscionov, a known mafia henchman. My senses are telling me he is the killer.

GUS: Don’t you mean Kruschevnov?

SHAWN: No, it’s Kruscionov.

GUS: Shawn, I’m pretty sure it’s Kruschevnov, I know the name..

SHAWN: What are you eating?

GUS: Cheeze bits.

SHAWN: They look more like Cheetos.

GUS: That’s because that’s what you want to eat right now. It’s psychosematic.

SHAWN: No, you’re psychosematic.

GUS: I am not!

SHAWN: Are too!

LASSITER: Gentlemen. May I disrupt your valuable dialogue here for a moment? Anatoly Kruscionov is leaving the country in three hours. We absolutely have to get to his office before his limo picks him up. We haven’t a minute to spare.

(all three get in the car and rush to Anatoly’s office)

NOTARY: Now, please sign my journal right here? Hey, why are you looking at the other entries?

ANATOLY: I was only staring at the page. (jotting something down)

NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, what’s your sign?

ANATOLY: Me, I am Leo.

NOTARY: That’s not what your ID says, It says you were born in January — busted!!!!

ANATOLY: Hey you try to trick me. But, now I know address of guy who cheated me, I learned from your Notary journal, you lousy backstabbing Notary.

LASSITER: We are from the Santa Barbara Police Department and have a few questions for you.

ANATOLY: First of all, get out of here you lousy Notary. No travel fee for you. Next, Mr. Lassiter, I would love to speak to you, but I want to speak to Mr. Shawn Spencer…. alone.

SHAWN: Sorry, I never go anywhere without my sidekick Mr. Spock.

GUS: I’m not Spock, for the last time, my name is… Oh… Actually, who are we dealing with here. Hi, I’m Nelson Spock, pleased to meet you.

ANATOLY: (sends Lassiter out of room and locks the door.) Why do you fools chase me. Do you not know I am dangerous man?

SHAWN: We know, that’s why we came to see you. Danger excites us. We know that after you had a confrontation with Mike Williams, he ended up dead. You know, the custom’s officer. Could it be that he knew something about your operation that you did not want him to know?

ANATOLY: What operation?

SHAWN: Could it be that the twenty kilograms of heroine that are to be delivered in three days were discovered by Mike?

ANATOLY: How do you know this? That’s not supposed to come in for a week. Who told you?

GUS: You just did!

SHAWN: Busted!!!!

ANATOLY: You guys are dead. You tricked me. You and that Notary. Ugh… Now we play a little game. Put this gun to your head and pull trigger, otherwise my boys kills you.

SHAWN: He, this guy wants us to play Russian Roulette.

GUS: It’s not Russian Roulette unless the gun is a six shooter with one bullet in it. You don’t know how many bullets are in the gun.

SHAWN: Well if you don’t know how many bullets are in the gun, then it is Ukranian Show Down.

GUS: There’s no such thing as Ukranian Show Down!

SHAWN: Yes there is, I was reading about this online.

GUS: But, it’s not the same thing if someone has a gun to your head. Technically it’s still Russian Roulette

SHAWN: Is not

GUS: Is too, and that’s a far cry away from Siberian roulette which is a very different variation…

ANATOLY: ENOUGH!!!!!!! You two are idiots. But, you will be dead soon. Put gun to head… absolutnye idiot!!! Suca blatt!!!

(ring-ring)

SHAWN: Hey Woody, what’s up?

WOODY: It turns out that Mike was not murdered after all. He was a drug addict and he overdosed on regular Morphene. There are no other drugs in his system. Unless the killer knew he took morphene and wanted to make it look like an overdose.

SHAWN: Woody, we’re being held at gunpoint here, now is not a good time to….

ANATOLY: Enough!!!

SHAWN: We just found out that you are not the killer.

ANATOLY: I kill you any way.

(meanwhile Carlton Lassiter called for back up)

(HUGE CRASH — SBPD busts in)

LASSITER: Put your hands in the air. We have the place surrounded.

JULIET: No not you Shawn. Get over here.

SHAWN: Sorry, just an instinctive reflex.

NOTARY: Oh my God, look at all of the commotion. I would like to report that man. He is a very bad man and has a fake ID.

SHAWN: Oh, can you notarize something for Woody? An Affidavit of Autopsy?

NOTARY: I would, but my journal is being confiscated by the Secretary of State. They want to know about the criminal I notarized earlier today and also they think I am not keeping proper records.

JULIET: Let me see this… Oh my God? You didn’t put the document date? Such sloppy work. No wonder you are in trouble.

SHAWN: Hey Juliet, you aren’t supposed to look at that. It is under the exclusive care of the notary and must be kept under lock and key.

GUS: How come you know so much about Notary work.

SHAWN: I read, plus it’s always been an interest of mine. I heard that Notaries get to do jobs for interesting characters, many of whom are criminals like Johnny that British bloke we visited in jail.

GUS: The one who you imitated who knows where you live.

SHAWN: Good point. Maybe I should just stick to what I’m doing. And a tip for the Notary. Don’t go immediately home after this.

NOTARY: Why not, are Anatoly’s guys following me?

GUS: I think they are following all of us.

.

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May 11, 2018

Fran the Nanny from Queens hires a Notary.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 11:16 am

FRAN: Oh, Mr. Sheffield, isn’t the butler supposed to do things like this, answering the door, calling Notaries, etc?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Yes yes, but he is out sick

FRAN: Does that mean that he would sneeze in snide and condescending way.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Of course not, why would he do that… well actually, hmm. Why are we discussing this? Just call that damn Notary, will you?

FRAN: Yes sir, right away.

FRAN: (ring-ring) Hello, is this Isaac from Glatt Kosher Notaries?

CHARLES: (British Accent) No, this is Charles, Isaac is out. In any case, thank you for calling GK Notaries where we can assist you with assumption clauses, affiant testimoniums, Jurats, Proofs of Execution and more.

FRAN: I need a Notary, but the last schmuck was such a putz that he did the whole job like a patsa and I had to shlepp to another guy right before shabbat. My tuchus has never recovered — gevalt!

CHARLES: I feel like we are not speaking the same language here.

FRAN: You’re telling me! Let me translate what I said into your language and then you can translate what you said into English. We’ll pay big bucks if you can send over a Notary who knows what he is doing.

CHARLES: Now, we’re communicating. Yes, we can send someone any time during the week.

FRAN: So, not to be personal, but where are all of the Jewish people in the office?

CHARLES: Well, you see, it is Friday and they like to leave three hours early to beat the Shabbat rush so they can prepare their food and get a good front row seat in school.

FRAN: You mean shul.

CHARLES: Yes, that too.

FRAN: But, you can have someone come today in an hour or two? My boss is a big time producer and he needs a contract notarized prompto.

CHARLES: Yes, well we have someone named Jack who is available. Shall I send him over?

FRAN: By all means. I’m so happy!

CHARLES: Well I’m happy that you’re happy?

FRAN: You are? (shocked) Oh right. I forgot, I’m trying to get used to this whole idea of taking delight at other people’s happiness.

CHARLES: What I’ve learned from working at this company, is that when I express delight at other people’s happiness, I have to say — you wouldn’t understand — it’s a gentile thing.

FRAN: I’m sure I’ll get used to it. In any case, I’ll have Mr. Sheffield get his ID and documents ready.

(ding… dong…)

FRAN: I’ll get it.

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

FRAN: Oh, very good pronunciation for a goy!

JACK: Thanks and funny you should mention that. Because when I was born we had a Jewish doctor.

FRAN: No kidding, so did I. Was your’s single? And is he still single? Never mind, he’s probably 80 by now, I’m not that desperate.

JACK: So, when I came out of the womb, he proudly announced — it’s a goy!

FRAN: That’s really funny. Anyway, Mr. Sheffield is upstairs in the study.

(the two go upstairs)

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Shattab shmaloom to you too.

FRAN: That’s not how you say it Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Close enough.

FRAN: By the way, Mr. Sheffield isn’t Jewish. But, I’m working on him. He’s becoming an expert on the foods of our people.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: That’s right, if it doesn’t have a “chhh” or other gutteral sound, it doesn’t go into your mouth. I have memorized several of these types of foods: choomosss, that’s the Israeli pronunciation, the Arabs are not as gutteral with this, then there is Schoog which is Yeminite, and then Challah which is egg bread. I’m more partial to the Challah, it’s easier to pronounce and easier on the system.

FRAN: Plus it’s milchik…. never mind. In any case. Let’s administer the Oath. Please raise your right hand. Do, you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that you agree to the terms and conditions in this contract, so help you God?

JACK: I think I’m supposed to do this part. Would you prefer an Oath or Affirmation?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: What’s the difference?

FRAN: In an Oath, you swear to a higher power, and in an Affirmation you affirm on your personal honor. Mr. Sheffield has a lot of personal honor by the way. More than any one else I know.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein, do you think that you could possibly just let the Notary do his job without any further interference? And besides, what are you, the notary’s druchshlepp?

FRAN: Wow, your Yiddish is really getting so much better. But, oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been reading up on the 123notary free blog posts teaching Notary knowledge. I’ve learned so much about Notary procedure and it was completely free.

JACK: Okay, please sign here, and let me see your ID… then, we can sign the journal. (two minutes later) Okay, now please raise your right hand… Oh gee, I forget what to say.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein (yelling into the hallway), you can come back now.

FRAN: Did you need help with that Oath? Less than 10% of New York Notaries know how to administer an Oath. Most don’t think they even need to. Okay Jack, just repeat after me. I Jack Collins take you Fran Fein to be my lawfully wedded. Ooops, sorry. I’m so desperate to get married. Okay, start over. Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to and will abide by the terms within?

JACK: Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to it?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: I do.

FRAN: OH, Mr. SHEFFIELD!!!! You have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words come from your lips!

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