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May 26, 2017

123 Notary prisoners released from Guantanamo Bay

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 9:29 am

The original tweet from Donald Trump was:

“122 vicious Notary prisoners at Gitmo released by the Obama administration. They have returned to sign again. Just another terrible decision.”

I changed 122 to 123, and anyway the above was not a real tweet, but based on a real tweet which was:
“122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama Administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!”

Honestly, a tweet about a prisoner release from Guantanamo Bay should feature a release of 140 characters, not 123. But, then maybe 17 were bored to death (since they were Notaries) or water bored(ed) to death.

We learned from our sources (which were probably fake news) that the Notaries were subjected to cruel and unusual punishment including torture. One Notary claimed they were water boarded until they would backdate a signature. But, the water smeared the ink, so the notarization was voided anyway.

Another Notary went on a hunger strike until he could see Juana La Cubana who is in her nineties, but still alive and well in Cuba.

The others were Haitian refugees posing as Notaries who were detained there.

Notaries were routinely coerced into signing documents — and Acknowledgments were not the only thing they executed over there.

Now the Notaries are free and on the loose returning to the signing field. Some were found recruiting for ISIgnS speading extremist Notary propaganda. Others were found in Syria cutting off people’s middle initials from stolen passports. There were many forced Notarized conversions to Notary-ism. Anyone who disagrees with their radical interpretation of Notary Law would be forced to expire whether their commission had or had not.

In any case, how do you notarize people from Syria when most of their identification is known to be forged or stolen?

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May 19, 2017

Notary Hip Hop Song: Down With Venuetta Stampella

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:48 pm

This is a story ’bout a Notary named Sealmore
A brotha trying to make a living doing this Notary gig
He thought that if he passed NNA’s signing agent test
That he would make it in the industry and make it big

But what this dude didn’t get for real
Is that this stamping thing is a complicated deal
He wanted so bad to be a Notary affix-ionado
He would try anything to make his career surreal

Then he met a sista named Venuetta Stampella
The sista was fly he could not deny
She told him she would get with him if he got his act togetha
But, the brutha was in pieces and under the weatha

He couldn’t stand his failure
Did not know what to do
The sista insulted him and called him a foo
But, he wanted her bad and pursued to woo

SEALMORE: That guy you with ain’t nothing but a wimp
But, you can be my Notarial ho, and I’ll be your “beep” (censored)
VENUETTA: I ain’t gonna be your girl so forget it
Cuz your ego’s so big it’s like the good year blimp

Signer Signing, coming something finer
Do you acknowledge that you acknowledged this?
The rhymes is phat, especially on this jurat
But, there’s one species you can’t notarize even if you are a cool cat.

Now you know where this Notary gig is at.
One more thing — can I get a soul clap?

What Sealmore failed to understand is that Venuetta wasn’t interested in him. And to do well in the Notary business you need to get certified by 123notary, not some other agency, and advertize on 123notary.com.

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May 12, 2017

Indian Notaries having an arranged marriage

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:40 pm

In America, people date, get to know each other, get to know each other’s bodies, and then get married, have kids and then get divorced. The process makes sense to Americans. But, the order of steps is reversed in India. From an Indian point of view, you determine (the elders determine — not you) if the two people are suitable for each other in the long term. They look at caste, what the parents do, family values, level of education, personality, and last but not least they ask,

“May we see the girl walk? Please turn around, could you walk down the hallway once more?”

The sad truth is that what Indians call “love marriages” which is where two people fall in love and then get married — are happier the first several years; But, arranged marriages are happier in the long run. This of course depends highly on who arranged the marriage and based on what criteria.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Hello, we feel that your son Arvind would be a suitable match for our little Angeli.

MAHESH: Yes yes, I’m basically agreeing with you. After all, we are both from the Nair caste, the parents are Notaries, the children are Notaries, and when they have children, their children will be Notaries. None of us drink, smoke, or use any bad language other than uttering the word “Jurat.”

MADHAVI: Please, there are children here! Yes, I’m basically in agreement here. And our families have known each other since we were commissioned originally several decades ago it seems, so it is like we are already married in a sense.

ANGELI: Do I have any say in this? After all, it is I who will be married.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Stay out of this!

SUJATA AUNTY: May we see the girl walk? Oh, and we need to wrap up this whole marriage thing ASAP because chai will be ready in five minutes.

ANGELI: Don’t I need to sign something to get married like a marriage license or marriage agreement? Actually, I have it here on my iPhone — it is called an Affidavit of Nuptial and Matrimonial intent.

MAHESH: And we could get it notarized too! You’ll be signing your life away — literally. But, don’t worry, Arvind really brings home the bacon.

ANGELI: Please, we are Hindu and don’t eat bacon.

MADHAVI: That is just an expression. I think Angeli’s document idea is only for… well, you know. People of the same gender who want to…

ARVIND: I would like to call the marriage off because Angeli refused to like me on my Notary Facebook profile. Also, her moon is not rising in her astrological chart, and mine is — my astrologer says that will cause long term incompatibility.

MAHESH: Just as long as your Mars is in alignment, you will function together.

ARVIND: Mars is for working relationships, not for love. And we would need an acknowledged statement from the astrologer that her moon isn’t rising — or at least isn’t rising until her commission expires.

MAHESH: If you want your love to work, then love IS a working relationship.

ANGELI: Good point. So, how many minutes do we get to know each other before I take my Oath of Office as secretary of the interior and chief minister of chapatis?

SUJATA AUNTY: First of all — let’s leave LOVE out of this; And let us older folks handle this. We have been through more life than you have and know more about what can go right and wrong in a relationship. If you want your love to work, there needs to be a basic foundation of compatibility and similarity. So, Arvind, what types of Notarizations have you done?

ARVIND: Mostly Power of Attorney and banking documents. I did corporate documents for many MNC (nulti-national corporation) and BPO (business process outsourcing) for an NRI (non-resident Indian) from USA. A few loans and construction documents. Someone was building an ashram and the guru needed a loan.

SUJATA AUNTY: Oh, good good. That is very good. Since I’m Indian, I understand all of your acronyms. But, I heard that some of those banking documents were part of an outsourced package from America. Trump will put an end to this work coming to India.

MADHAVI AUNTY: You are right! Decreased work load for the next four years? The marriage is off!

ARVIND: But, we have known each other for a whole 10 minutes. I feel like we are married already! And my father is a millionaire, so we’ll be financially set in any case.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Oh. In that case, we’ll check bank records in the morning and sign the papers after chai.

ALL: It’s a deal

MAHESH: We’ll need notarized copies of the bank records too. What Notary procedure do we use in that case? Certified copy by document custodian or a Jurat where we swear to the authenticity of the copies?

SUJATA AUNTY: They are both the same thing under a different label. Both are just Jurats with sworn Oaths.

ANGELI: It’s my marriage after all which according to Bombay Notary law would be a joint marital commission. Once again, do I have any say in this matter?

ALL: No!!!!!

You might also like:

Notary Indian tandoori restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16497

The Notary Dating Show
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

Foreign Intrigue
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17107

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May 5, 2017

Inflatable NotaryInflatable Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:25 am

One lady was so attracted to Notaries! Every time she saw a Notary she said, “God, you are so sexy. You are the perfect man. I will call you Notary-Man.” Everytime a fireman went by, male model or body builder she would ignore them, but her eyes were glued to all of the Notaries. But, no Notary would date her to her dismay. Out of frustration she looked online to see if she could buy an inflatable Notary on Amazon or Ebay. No such luck. So, she created her own online store to sell inflatable Notaries. She produced 200 to keep in stock. Her only sale was for a children’s birthday party where the parents were Notaries. So, this lady’s house is filled with 199 Notaries.

I asked one of the Notaries if they could Notaries me with that seal they were holding. The lady asked, “Do you have ID?” I said, “No.” Then, I noticed the Notary doll deflating before my very eyes. They lady said, “I guess he feels deflated because you don’t have ID. Now, he can’t do his job!”

But, I claimed that he WAS doing his job by saying no! Then the lady said, “Okay, in that case, I’ll blow him up again!”

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April 28, 2017

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:18 am

A Notary went to see a Notary Psychic to learn how to do his job better and see what was in store for him. Here is what happened…

NOTARY: Hello. I want to know my future.

CLARA: Spoiler alert: You die.

NOTARY: My nearer future!

CLARA: I predict you are willing to pay $50 cash for this information.

NOTARY: Umm…. I’ll have to pay in you ones because I was planning on going to a strip club and then changed my mind at the last minute.

CLARA: Don’t expect me to give you a lap dance. I’ll reciprocate by stripping off the veil to your future.

NOTARY: Actually I think it’s more like a burka, but that’s fine. So, will I get many Notary clients?

CLARA: Hold on, I am looking into crystal ball. Actually I do not need ball for this one. You must to spend a few hundred to get top spot on 123notary in your local area plus have amazing notes section and many reviews from satisfied clients who tipped you with one dollar bills.

NOTARY: Okay, writing this down… Can you tell me what will happen to me this week?

CLARA: Okay, I use Notary tarot cards… Hold on… I must meditate on this. Okay… this first card has an upside down Notary seal. It indicates that something dubious will happen. Keep eyes open for fake ID from client, especially if he’s teenager asking you to buy him booze. Or is Russian client and I have many of those. But, if you have Russian client refer them to me — they spend mint on psychics.

NOTARY: Interesting. How did you get your name?

CLARA: I am Clara because I am Clara-Voyant.

NOTARY: I should have known. Then again, I’m not clairvoyant.

CLARA: I knew that. Now I get Notary Gypsy card. Notary Gypsy sees future and past, but cannot make sense of the present. This means you will be confused at present-day Notary job, who you did good work for in the past, but will give the client great advice for their future.

NOTARY: I had a client like that last week. As for my clients in the present, too confusing. What about next month?

CLARA: Let’s see. Oh… I got the commission expiration card. That means something in your career will end, but something new will begin. Maybe you’ll stop using SnapDocs and pass the 123notary certification test that you have been procrastinating about for the last several months.

NOTARY: Oh yeah, I keep procrastinating about meaning to do that. Can you look in your ball too?

CLARA: Yes. I think Coca-Cola stock will go up 2 points next week, but it’s not like I have a crystal ball… ooops, actually I do have a crystal ball — forgot! Okay, I am seeing an ancestor of yours who was a Notary in Slovakia. He wishes to guide you in your career. Ooops, it’s actually someone else’s ancestor. Damn this cheap crystal. That’s the last time I bid for a used crystal on ebay! Okay, I use my old crystal from Russia, it’s cracked, but Gypsies use it for generations. Just never mind crack on left. Okay! You will sign a Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: Duh, you don’t have to be a psychic to know that!

CLARA: I predicted you’d say that. You were a Notary in a past life in Japan. It’s the last time someone bowed to you… Wait… Wait… I’m seeing something else. You worked for the court of the emperor and pleased him. He made you to very high position. It is your destiny to rise to high position in this life too as a result of past life karma.

NOTARY: Oh! What kind of high position will I get?

CLARA: Hold on… I am seeing Attorneys… Yes… Attorneys with lots of money… and lots of power.. Wait a second, isn’t that what I just said. Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: No, you said Power of Attorney, but now you are saying Powerful Attorneys.

CLARA: What is difference?

NOTARY: Let me use your tarot card deck. Oh, what a surprise. I got the Notary card with a seal stamping a document that says, “It’s time to learn English, honey!”

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April 7, 2017

The Noterator

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:10 am

There was a sudden rash of bad Notaries in America and nobody knew what to do. But, at the Secretary of State’s office, they had the solution. Since there was no way to bust each bad Notary one by one, they created a machine that could sense a bad Notary a mile away and terminate him. This machine was called, the Noterator.

NOTERATOR: Did you back date that document?

NOTARY: No, I swear I didn’t.

NOTERATOR: Hasta la vista — baby. (boom!!!)

A group of Notaries near by saw what happened and decided to run. The Noterator caught up with them and told them not to make any more fraudulent notarizations otherwise they would be in trouble. But, this group of Notaries didn’t listen. Fraud was so embedded in their personalities they couldn’t help themselves. Two of the Notaries got involved in a scheme to cheat someone out of their house by falsifying a Grant Deed. The next thing they knew…

NOTERATOR: I’m back!!!

NOTARY #1: How did you find us?

NOTERATOR: I always find bad Notaries. I can small them.

NOTARY #2: So are you going to terminate us?

NOTERATOR: I can’t read the document because it’s not written in Austrian. Just kidding. You falsified a Deed of Trust and Grant Deed. You’re coming with me. The Noterator grabbed both Notaries by their collar and put them in Notary jail.

NOTARY #1: We might be in jail, but at least we are safe from the Noterator here.

NOTERATOR: You thought wrong! (boom!!!!!!)

In the end, Notary #1’s commission was not the only thing that expired. A word of advice. Don’t mess with the noterator!

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March 31, 2017

Secretary of State hacked by Russians!

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:06 am

Some of the Russian mischief-makers who allegedly hacked the election were fresh out of school and hacked the California Secretary of State’s Notary Division by accident, because their English not incredible good. These hackers deleted the files of a handful of prominent Notaries statewide making them “ghost Notaries.” Their commissions were real, but there were no database records anymore. Fortunately, the Sec of State keeps backup records in paper for every Notary in the state, so with much labor, they were able to recreate their records.

On a more humorous note, Hillary Trump became a commissioned California Notary when she is not even a resident here. Considering California gave her a huge popular vote win, she thought it was the least she could do, then realized deleting her acknowledgment certificates was the least she could do. Ivanka Trump became an eNotary due to the hacking attack. She was sorry the Russians didn’t hack off the “k” in her name while they were at it, but has learned to live with a weird one like “Ivanka.” If you call living in tacky gold overpriced real estate “living.” And Vladimir Putin got the control panels to approve residents with felonies to get commissioned as Notaries in exchange for some spying favors — and only if they say he looks buff with his shirt off riding a horse . What started out as a failed hacking attempt became a travesty of justice!

The official new rates for California Notarizations are:

Acknowledgments — 1 pint of vodka
Jurats — 2 pints, but you have to swear that it’s the best vodka in town.
Sworn Oaths — Just swear you can walk in a straight line — or sign in a straight line.
Depositions — You can’t drink in court, so we’ll stick to the $20, but payable in the equivalent amount of rubles.

Even the titles of common documents were renamed
Deed of Mistrust
Affidavit of non-Compliance
The Note
The Right to make people think you canceled
The affidavit of alleged shortage of available capital.

Additionally, the Russians thought they would help Trump by fraudulently changing the venue for the Great Wall of China to be on the U.S. / Mexico border and make Mexico pay for it.

That’s all for tonight. And remember that it is hip to be Red Square.

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March 24, 2017

Sharktank: Self-Driving Notary

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 8:02 am

DO YOUR JOB OR YOU COULD SEE THIS ON SHARK TANK!

First into the tank is a notary who plans to eliminate the competition.

CONTESTANT: Hello, sharks. My name is Jesse and I’m seeking $200,000 for 10% of my company, Self-Notary! Imagine eliminating the hassle of human beings showing up late for signings. Of making fun of your driver’s license picture ID. Well imagine no more! Self-Notary brings the future of automated transportation to your doorstep! So sharks, who’s ready to sign… on the dotted line?

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re talking about putting your fellow workers out of business. I’m sure they’ll want to sign all right. Your death certificate! How does this job-robbing invention of yours work?

CONTESTANT: A self-driving notary vehicle shows up at the client’s door. The signer puts his ID in the slot, scans his document, signs the online journal, puts his money in the dollar feed, and the machine sends the document.

DAYMOND: How does it get an oil change if it’s driverless?

CONTESTANT: An automated mechanic drives out to change it.

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re valuing your company at two million dollars. I assume there are SALES to report about. At least there better be.

CONTESTANT: We’re in pre-launch.

MARK: Oh. brother. And you expect us to pre-pay before we even know if it works?

LORI: What does it cost you to make, and what does it cost the client?

CONTESTANT: $100,000 a unit. And it costs the client a fee per signature plus a travel fee.

MR. WONDERFUL: That’s terrible. That’s a big nothing-burger. The day I get my money back on a deal like this is the day I need a haircut – which I haven’t needed since I became BALD! I’m out.

DAYMOND: After the notarization is finished, does the driverless car give the client a flourless cake as a thank you gift?

CONTESTANT: No, but that’s a great idea! My wife is a terrible gardener. We could eat the cake in her flower-less garden.

DAYMOND: It was MY great idea! I’m out.

BARBARA: I’ve been watching your presentation, and I think you’re a lousy salesman.

CONTESTANT: Would you swear to that?

BARBARA: Yes. But you wouldn’t be a credible witness.

LORI: So are you in, Barbara, or are you out?

BARBARA: I’m gonna make him an offer.

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re insane. I forbid you from murdering innocent money like that.

BARBARA: I’ll give you half the money you want, but you’re gonna need a lot of my help. I want 20% and I want another shark to go in on the deal.

LORI: I’ll go in on that deal with you, Barbara. 20% each. I deal with notaries who show up late all the time. I think there’s a market for automated notaries. And the human ones they put out of business can learn from the embarrassment of it and beat the automated notaries at their own game by signing up with the best of them on 123notary.com.

MR. WONDERFUL: What is this, product placement?

LORI: I get a few extra bucks for it. They don’t call me a shark for nothing. You better sign up on 123notary.com before the automated notaries do.

MR. WONDERFUL: You did it again?

LORI: Cha-ching.

Just then, the shark’s worst nightmare rolled in before their eyes!

MR. WONDERFUL: What is that monstrosity?

CONTESTANT: Oh, that’s the other product I’m working on. That’s automated you, Mr. Wonderful! Self-driving Shark!

BARBARA: Looks just like him. Especially the chrome dome.

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March 17, 2017

A guy dressed up as a Notary for Halloween

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:57 am

A guy dressed up as a Notary Seal kept saying, “Trick or Treat.” He went around stamping everything. Then he bumped into someone dressed up as a Signing Company who was also saying, “Trick or Treat.” The Notarygave the signing company his seal impression on some fake loan documents.

The signing company impersonator said — trick!
The Notary asked what the trick was.
The signing company said — we’re not paying you

So, the Notary got even and smeared edible chocolate ink all over the signing company impersonator’s outfit and said — treat!

So, the Notary got even. If that Notary impersonator had been a little smarter, he would have looked up the signing company on 123notary’s list of signing companies i-phone page www.123notary.com/s and said — I can’t take that job! However, this fake Notary had a handheld printer and queried 123notary’s resource page to find our demand letter from hell (very appropriate type of letter for halloween.) He gave the signing company a demand letter. The signing company gave him a threatening letter from someone dressed up as an Attorney (with blood coming out of his left eye.)

Finally the Notary said — you people will be a pain in my rear for the rest of my life — if I should live so long! Happy Halloween!!!!

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March 10, 2017

What’s your sign? Notary horoscopes…

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 6:55 am

Capricorn
Today’s a good day to apply for your renewed Notary commission. Don’t wait until the last minute or you’ll experience a lapse in your term(s) as well as in your judgement, and you’ll come across as Capri-corny.

Aquarius
Tonight around 7pm will be an ideal time to renew your listing on 123notary.com. Go for the highest level listing no matter what it costs. The planets are with you and will enhance your ROI on whatever you buy from 123notary this evening. Avoid interactions with unicorns until 8am tomorrow or until a Mexican Trump supporter is spotted in your neighborhood.

Pisces
Today is an auspicious day to re-ink your stamp. Don’t fish around searching for any old cheap ink. Buy the top notch stuff the NNA sells if you want to make a good impression.

Aries
Sign up with some new signing companies, but watch your step and don’t be an Aries-head. Trouble could lie ahead if you don’t background check those companies first on the 123notary list of signing companies with reviews.

Taurus
If you want to bully some signing companies into paying you, just use the 123notary demand letter from hell on our resource page. But, do so before the cusp of Orion which will happen after midnight.

Gemini
Today is a day you should make sure your signatures are genuine, not Gemini. And one of our customers calls me Gemini. It’s not Gemini — it’s Jeremy!

Cancer
Today is the best day to backdate and not get caught as long as the moon is in Scorpio. But, watch out, because at 1am (which is tomorrow assuming you don’t backdate) it will exit Scorpio and go into its new phase called Stage 4.

Leo
Take a nap between signings today so you don’t get too overwhelmed. And don’t swallow your pride otherwise you’ll have no family. Roar at people who don’t pay you – that’s the mane thing.

Virgo
Take the day off because the way the planets are configured, you’ll get stuck in traffic and probably won’t get paid either — unless your name is Jane the Virgo.

Libra
Brush up on your new 123notary certification course. You’ll need it to compete with all of the other smart Notaries in your area. Besides, being certified a very Libra-ating experince.

Scorpio
Identify your signers a little more carefully today because you are destined to meet a fraud who specializes in identity fraud which would mean that you would get stung instead of vice versa which is the way it is supposed to be.

Sagittarius
If you are a Real Estate investor with 12 houses. Expect trouble if Leo is in your 11th house. On the other hand, since you are the happiest sign in the zodiac, celebrate by going to the happiest place on earth — Notary Disneyworld!

And more thing — don’t forget to have your sign notarized!

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