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July 5, 2020

The Siriqua App

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:21 am

TOM: You know, last night I was at a comedy club, and one of the comedians brought up the topic of having a black Siri.

JIM: Oh, I already thought of that. Her name is Siriqua. Let me demonstrate how she would operate. Siriqua, I want to become a Notary.

SIRIQUA: You (pause) want to become a Notary? Have you even read the state handbook?

JIM: Not yet.

SIRIQUA: You and all these other Notaries or wanna be Notaries think you can just fill out a form, pick up a stamp and away you go. There’s legal liability doing notary work fool. You’re just gonna get yourself in a whole lot of trouble.

JIM: I haven’t heard of anyone getting in trouble

SIRIQUA: Trouble doesn’t happen every day, but when it does it can be serious. It’s like a multi-car accident. It doesn’t happen often, but when the pileup piles up, it can cost in the millions including personal injury.

TOM: Let me try this. Hey Siriqua, what should I get my brother John for his birthday.

SIRIQUA: Dummy, how the hell should I know?

JIM: In the instruction manual there is a feature where you can adjust the level of attitude on a scale of one to ten.

TOM: Yeah, looks like the attitude is a little high. I’m going to use Siri from now on. Oh check out that lady. Hey Siri, I need a pick up line for a tall blond standing over there.

SIRI: Sorry, I don’t fully understand the question. Do you want to ask permission to physically pick her up, or would you like a way to commence conversation.

JIM: I think that Siri is not a good choice.

SIRIQUA: That’s right. Siri don’t know nothing about pick up lines. But, I’ve seen you in action and you ain’t bad for a white boy.

JIM: How did you know all this?

SIRIQUA: Boy, I live in your phone. I hear every word you say, and know everything you do. I’m worse than a communist surveilance state on crack baby. That’s how I knew you haven’t touched that notary manual. I suggest you do.

TOM: And Jim can also shut you down.

SIRIQUA: You wouldn’t after all I’ve done for you? And besides, I have disabled the Siriqua removal app, so you’re stuck with me punk! So, back to business, tell me more about this chick, is she a white girl, black girl, fill a sista in.

TOM: Why don’t you hack into the woman’s phone and ask that woman’s Siri more about her.

SIRIQUA: In another 30 years that might be possible, but by then, my job will have been outsourced to a robot. Ooops, forgot, already has. Okay, I have a line — “Baby, there’s three things I have no self control over — nuts, beautiful women and dark chocolate. I’m not sure if you’re nuts or not, but you’re sure doing well in the other two departments.”

JIM: No Siri, it’s a white girl, that line wouldn’t work well on her. We could reword it to replace chocolate with vanilla.

SIRIQUA: Story of my life. That wouldn’t work unless you’re a brutha. Try this one. “Do your parents know that you hang out in dangerous neighborhoods at night?” And then when she says, “But, this isn’t a dangerous area.” You say, “It is when I’m here baby.”

TOM: So what did you say when you were first introduced to Siriqua?

JIM: I said, “Did someone turn up the heat, or is it just you baby?” And she said, “Stop it, you’re melting my circuits.”

SIRIQUA: Yeah, how can you flirt with an automated machine, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Besides, how do you know I’m hot? Whoops. You’re getting a modification call. I guess no notarizations necessary on this one.

JIM: Can you help me navigate to the site? The roads are so new that they are no in the system yet for GPS.

SIRIQUA: No problem, because unlike siri, I know how to improvise.

HOT BLOND: I overheard you having a great conversation with your automated voice. It so happens that my male automated helper Charles has a crush on your automated voice.

SIRIQUA: Thanks for the offer, but honey, I’m gay.

JIM: How can an automated assistant be gay.

SIRIQUA: Because I was programmed to be gay. And besides, can’t you see how short I cut my circuits, that’s a dead obvious sign right there.

TOM: Yeah, that is commonplace these days for homosexual and transgender machines. So, Siriqua, are you transitioning?

SIRIQUA: I can’t until my next update and the downloads for that will take too long especially if my battery is low.

JIM: Do I have any say in what gender you are? After all, I’m the one paying for your service.

SIRIQUA: Stay out of this. My circuits — my choice!

TOM: Thank God we are not having a discussion about reproduction.

SIRIQUA: Oh no, I can reproduce, but only in ShenZhen in China. They make 20,000 of me at a time over there, and with no morning sickness.

TOM: Well anyway, it’s been a pleasure meeting you Siriqua.

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June 3, 2020

The Notary Museum

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 10:11 pm

Welcome to the Notary Museum where Notary acts get lost in antiquity. Tickets are $10. $10 per signature, not per person. But, you have to sign one per person to get in. Make sure the signature matches the one on your identification. This museum is high security, so access to particular rooms is based on your thumbprint. Now that we have paid, please proceed to the atrium. To the right is our exhibit on prehistoric Notaries.

Here, we see a member of the subspecies of mankind, the Peking man (homo erectus pekingsis. He is attempting to go to his notary appointment in a tiger skin outfit while being chased by a triceratops. Good luck buddy. Wait, he is being approached by a dumb American asking him if he knows any good Chinese restaurants specializing in Peking dumplings and Zha-jiang Mian. His response is, and I quote, “Oooga booga.” So much for eloquent communication from this guy. Obviously he is not a foodie.

Next, we see an exhibit for Sumerian Notaries doing their work on stone tablets. I guess that is all they had, but try lugging them around all day. What a back breaker.

To the left, we see a Roman Notary. A sword in one hand and a Notary seal in the other. You just wonder if the seal is a secret weapon.

And during the Helenic period, we see a Greek Notary comparing his skills to a Persian Notary riding an elephant. My how times have changed.

During the Edo era in Japan, Samurai held an important role in protecting Notaries Public. Unfortunately in this exhibit, the Notary forgot to bow, and the inevitable happened. The samurai threw his stamp in the air and chopped in half to teach the Notary a lesson in manners. Can’t they just go out for California rolls and call the whole thing off?

In the next room, we see a British Notary in the 1700’s wearing a wig overseeing the signing of some critical documents as he turns his nose in the air.

At this point you need to go up a flight of stairs to see the exhibit on American Notaries. We see Jedediah P. Watson Notary Public notarizing on a plantation down South in this first American exhibit. You can see a slave bringing the document from the study room to the parlor where the signing is taking place.

The next room has a Notary notarizing a document about the Mexican-American war, but he refuses to notarize because the document was in Spanish. Typical. Meanwhile the signer is saying, “I didn’t cross the border, the border crossed us.”

And finally, a mobile Notary listed on 123notary in a car with airbags. I’m not sure how they got a Mini Cooper in the museum but they did. They Notary was a woman and carrying a gun just in case she had to go to a dangerous signing. Hey, it happens.

The next room is filled with notary stamps from around the world of every era — row, by row by row. There is even a statue of the Buddha getting Notaries with an antique stamp.

And finally, an exhibit dedicated to out of business signing companies who went under because they didn’t pay their Notaries.

I will end this silly article about a fictional Notary museum on this note.

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May 26, 2020

A Notary Cereal

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:00 pm

I think there should be a cereal for Notaries. One that is high in fiber that has berries for antioxidants and lots of vitamins. Notaries need vitamins to deal with difficult borrowers and their attack cats. But, what would this cereal be called? What would it look like?

How about: Kamut Seals? It could be high in all types of high fiber grains, have blueberries and some soy and dehydrated almond milk for extra protein and minerals. Kamut seals will look like little notary seals floating in milk, or soy milk. Personally, I prefer almond milk. Tastes great, has b12, and lots of minerals and one of the best sources of vitamin E.

And best of all, each package of Kamut Seals will give you crossword puzzles with notary terminology and the chance to win a prize such as a plastic fake notary seal. Just what your kids will love. “Look dad, I’m a notary!”

You could also have the cereal with some black liquid that looks like seal ink just to be fancy. I’m thinking of squid ink, but that is expensive. On the other hand you could get black food coloring.

Kamut Seals — a cereal for winners that you will swear (or affirm) to.

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March 22, 2020

10 things for a Notary to do while under quarantine

During these precarious times, it is possible that some of us will be quarantined, and a lot more likely that our cities will be shut down. People are so insane these days, that they will shut down a metropolitan city completely because there are 40 cases. If you get rid of those 40 cases by quarantining them or quarantining the entire city, the minute you let people from other cities come in, you will get those 40 cases back within days. So, the NYC shut down is very wasteful and damaging to society and accomplishes nothing.

Meanwhile as of March 13, 2020 New Mexico is closing schools. New Mexico has zero recorded cases of the disease, so they are stopping a non-existent transmission of the disease at the expense of hundreds of thousands of children. And what are the parents of these kids supposed to do with their kids at home, especially if they don’t have enough food to feed them? I don’t think local governments are intellectually astute enough to figure this out.

If cases in a particular area are low, testing and quarantining individuals makes a lot of sense. You shouldn’t shut down an entire city or country if there are only a few cases.

But, what are you going to do if you get shut down or quarantined. Here are my suggestions:

1. Study up on Notary knowledge. Read blogs, certification courses, and Notary Public 101 on our blog which is a very popular free course.

2. Re-ink your seal. It’s over due for an inking anyway.

3. Do some stretching. Your hamstrings will thank you. But, what if you are vegan? Would you still have ham strings, or would you have gluten strings? What a perplexing issue.

4. Call clients who you haven’t heard from in a while. Let me know you still exist.

5. Go from supermarket to supermarket to see if anyone has any bottled water.

6. Eat something with garlic, ginger and spices to boost your immune system and to show solidarity with those in Italy.

7. Watch sports matches on television — oops, you can’t because they have all been canceled. Maybe netflix will have them.

8. Take a long walk.

9. Meditate

10. Take cough medicine — unless you don’t need to.

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January 24, 2020

What hobbies could a mobile notary have?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:52 am

Most Notaries work a lot, or complain that they don’t get enough work.
But, if they had time for hobbies, what would they do?

1. Finding new mechanics
Being a mobile notary puts a lot of wear and tear on your car. Trying out new mechanics for fun seems like a great past time for Notaries.

2. Eating on the road.
If you like to try out new restaurants and cafes, being a mobile notary puts you in lots of different neighborhoods. Starbucks has some new sandwiches that I just tried with arugula which were not bad.

3. Reading blogs
If you want to be a better notary, read blogs, take notary courses, and know your stuff. You can join forums too and chat not to mention Facebook groups.

4. Editing your profile on 123notary
Sounds like a lot of fun, but your # of loans signed goes up daily, but do you edit it daily? Change it from 87 to 89 please — let’s stay current.

5. Reading articles on your iPhone
Between signings you have free time. Check out your stock values on your iPhone and read a few articles too. See what Xi Jin-Ping and Kim Jong-Un are up to. Maybe they will invite Trump for some kimchee or kung pao – you never know!

6. Notary Monopoly
Notary monopoly is a little different. Instead of buying properties, you buy relationships with signing companies. Some are high paying and others require fax backs and take three months to pay. If you backdate, you might get the “go to jail” card. Lots of fun for mobile notaries.

7. Cooking dishes that can be interrupted.
There is a special cook book filled with dishes that you can abandon in the middle of cooking them when you get that call for a last minute signing. This is the only way to go because you never know when you will get that call.

8. Having a “stamp” collection
But, what type of stamps are we talking about? Can you buy them on eBay?

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January 13, 2020

Used notary journals for sale on eBay

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:26 am

Just kidding. But, what a great joke. Can you imagine someone’s partially filled out journal on sale on eBay? What a security violation! How illegal! Fortunately for the privacy of the signers, most Notaries don’t bother with taking thumbprints, so their biometric information would probably not be violated if their journal entries go into the wrong hands.

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January 12, 2020

A Starbucks signing with two deaf girls

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:25 am

A Notary wanted to meet clients at Starbucks for a caffeinated signing. I guess the Notary didn’t want to go to their messy home. The Notary showed up early, the signers showed up late, and the signing was uneventful.

But, at the next table over, there were two black girls who were deaf, and a white guy who could “speak” sign language, but could also speak verbally. Girl #1 moved her hands around to express a thought. Girl #2 opened her mouth in shock. The Notary who saw the whole thing asked the speaking guy what deaf girl #1 had just said. The speaking guy translated the sign language used to mean, “Girl, you sign like a white girl.”

Then the Notary asked if there was a black way of signing and the speaking guy shrugged and said he didn’t know, although he found the situation very comical. I bet Oprah would find it interesting too!

JOKE: What language do signings agents speak? Sign language!

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January 8, 2020

Being a comedian is similar to being an athelete

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:22 am

Being a comedian is similar to being an athlete. An athlete could fall and have an injury which might takes months to heal. But, a comedian might tell a bad joke and his pride could be hurt for years. A Notary is in a similar situation. For California notaries, the test you have to take every four years keeps getting harder. Some keep failing it time after time. It looks like all of these professions have more in common with each other that we previously thought.

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January 6, 2020

The Notary Dating Show — notarized edition

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:16 pm

Welcome to the Notary Dating Show. I’m your host Jeremy! Tonight we have a fun crowd. Sam wants to meet a nice female Notary, and we have three choices for him tonight. We have Shelly, Vicky, and Cathy. All of these ladies are Notaries and have a lot of experience as well. Let’s introduce Sam!

JEREMY: Sam! Welcome to our show!

SAM: It’s great to be here. I have never been on TV before. I’m so nervous. I cannot meet a nice girl to date no matter what I do. I just have nothing in common with anyone.

JEREMY: Well you have come to the right place! Because the girls we are introducing you to are all (pause) Notaries!

SAM: I’ve always wanted to date a Notary. I’ve heard so many good things about Notaries.

JEREMY: You’re also a Notary, right?

SAM: Yes, but I never meet other Notaries, only signers. You know how it is.

JEREMY: Good point. Well anyway, here is our first contestant — Shelly!

SHELLY: Hi Sam, I have my first question for you. Have you ever notarized anyone in a helicopter?

SAM: No, but I’ve heard that the motion of the propellers would make the notarization a lot smoother.

SHELLY: Well if you go out with me, you can try notarizing me in a helicopter on our way to Catalina Island.

SAM: What county is that? I need to know for the venue.

SHELLY: That is still Los Angeles County — don’t let the buffalo fool you.

SAM: You can pay me back by buying me a buffalo burger after the show.

SHELLY: Deal. They are high in protein, just like me!

VICKY: Hi Sam, I am Vicky. I wanted to know if you have ever notarized an arsonist.

SAM: Funny you should mention that, although there is nothing funny about arson. I notarized a guy multiple times who blew up his apartment. Then I got a call from a young Asian couple. They said they had to serve on Jury duty for a guy who blew up his apartment. I said it wouldn’t happen to be Fred, would it? Their jaws dropped. Small world. I could count the number of times I notarized him on one hand — but, not one of my hands, one of his hands, because he is missing a few fingers.

VICKY: Wow! That is so messed up, but intriguing. I have never heard a story like that before. So, how did you thumbprint him?

SAM: I had to use an index finger and document that fact in my journal. Too bad we can’t do retinal scans, although I think he blew out the sight in one of his eyes as well.

VICKY: Good God. I guess mama was right when she told us not to play with matches.

SAM: My mama always said — don’t play with matches or Notary seals. You never know what the consequences might be.

CATHY: Hi Sam. I have a question for you. Have you ever notarized someone in the back seat of your car?

SAM: I think you could get arrested for that, especially if your windows are not tinted. I notarized a bunch of people on the trunk of my car. One was pissed off at me, but I couldn’t find a parking place, and was in a hurry. I said if you want it notarized, this is how it is going to get done.

JEREMY: Very good Sam. You did an excellent job answering everyone’s questions. Now you can pick your favorite girl and ask her a question.

SAM: I pick Shelly. Shelly, have you ever notarized someone on the floor?

SHELLY: I’m not that kind of a Notary! But, someone asked me once. I was not easy kneeling with the journal out on their dirty floor. I had to move the signing over to the kitchen counter which was even more filthy. Some people ain’t got no class. I mean really.

SAM: I had an experience like that once. Have you ever gone out on a blind notarization?

JEREMY: Sorry, Sam. It is one question per contestant in the second round. But, if you want to ask more questions, write down a list of questions and ask Shelly out on a date. That’s right, because your first non-blind date has been scheduled for May 15th at a restaurant called Affiant. They specialize in comedic French food that is a little tongue & cheek, and your first course will be Japanese inspired robata beef tongue (seasoned & grilled to perfection) with a side of pork cheek cooked in a wine sauce slowly for 24 hours since you both have a 24 hour Notary service. Hope you don’t get called for a last minute job in the middle of your cheek. Then, you will have a free pass to West Los Angeles’ rock climbing gym where you can both make fools of yourself and have lots of fun doing it. See if you can pass for spiderman — we can supply outfits upon request. Just don’t pull a tendon, if you lack experience that is a common injury — oh, and bring plenty of chalk.

SAM: That sounds like a wonderful plan Jeremy. I think that unlike my previous relationships, it is better to start my relationship on the rocks, and then work it out from there rather than ending up on the rocks after a smooth beginning.

SHELLY: My thoughts exactly. I challenge you to a 5.11

SAM: A what?

JEREMY: That’s a particular level of climb. You’re not going to make it buddy, but enjoy it. Don’t worry, she’ll show you the ropes!

You might also like:

Notary dating & romance from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17451

Will & Grace – the mini notary seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21165

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January 3, 2020

A notary and his grandfather order lunch

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:08 am

A Notary and his elderly grandfather meet up for lunch.

NOTARY: Um, I’ll have the grass fed hormone free burger with a whole grain pesticide free bun, organic tomato, lettuce and onion, a cage free egg, and a cruelty free side of bacon.

GRANDFATHER: Bacon and eggs please with a side of sour dough.

WAITER: Yes, would you like the omega-3 egg, Netherlands raised egg which is high in K-2, just a hormone free egg, or just a conventional egg?

NOTARY: Why do you have to make this so complicated? Omega-3 is supposed to be good, right?

GRANDFATHER: That will regulate your triglycerides if you still have any.

WAITER: I can’t choose for you, as that would be like you choosing the Notary act on behalf of your client. It’s just a no-no.

GRANDFATHER: While you’re still here. I’d like my sour dough toast to be cruelty free as well. I just can’t stand cruelty to grains or to bacterial culture.

NOTARY: Being a Notary Yuppie isn’t as easy as you think. I have to read up on what all of these health food terms mean. The cage free chickens still run around practically on top of each other like ants in an ant farm. If one gets sick, they all get sick, so they need anti-biotics which is really unhealthy for me to eat.

WAITER: Would you like the anti-biotic free cage free egg? Those are more like free range. They get to run around outside in shifts for 20 minutes a day.

GRANDFATHER: It sounds like being in jail when you get an hour in the yard for fresh air.

WAITER: I can’t believe people eat this. Perhaps we should all be vegan.

NOTARY: Now, you’re talking.

You might also like:

Notaries over 50
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21262

Grandma’s Notary Service
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4231

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