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November 17, 2017

Finding Your Roots — Notary Edition

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:07 am

Harrison Stampworth was a guest on the show Finding Your Roots. His male lineage was a long line of Notaries Public going back to the time and general location of where George Washington was before the Revolutionary War. What Harrison didn’t initially realize was that his ancestors had committed some major Notarial crimes and were even prosecuted for them.

His 8th Great Grandfather Jedidiah got in a lot of trouble. He had a bunch of slaves, and was too lazy to do his own Notary work. So, he made his head slave Jarvis do the work for him. What Jedidiah didn’t know was that it was illegal to let anyone else use your seal. Eventually, Jedidiah got locked up for allowing another person to use his seal. The original sentence was three years, but it was lengthened another two because the person allowed to use the seal was not even a free man. Additionally, Jarvis got his freedom papers fraudulently notarized, but forgot to realize that while impersonating his Master as a Notary, he also impersonated his Master as the signer — and you can’t notarize yourself. So Jarvis and Jedidiah ended up in neighboring jail cells, each for completely different Notarial crimes.

His 7th Great Grandfather Eli Notarized John Hancock’s John Hancock signing the declaration of independence, but the document is still smudged to this day due to his sloppy clerical skills. He also asked Ben Franklin if he needed Notary services, and Ben told him to go fly a kite. Then he swore in a relative of George Washington who said, “I cannot tell a lie, but if I do, just make sure it’s not under Oath.” And then Eli said, “No problem, we’ll just do an Affirmation — I’ve always been a few hundred years ahead of my time. So chew on that!” — the other guy said, “If my teeth weren’t made of wood I’d take you up on your offer.”

Harrison’s 4th Great Grandmother Abitha headed the largest Notary Association of the 1800’s which was called Confederate Notary Association where their motto was, “Keep it civil.” She used giant Notary seals to smuggle bullets across enemy lines to confederate soldiers. Another noteworthy piece of information about Abitha was that she died on the exact day of her commission’s expiration date right after she had her daily tea and beignets.

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November 10, 2017

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:09 am

There is a town in Virginia where there is a statue of Franklin Bends. Franklin was a Notary Public in his day and also had slaves. A group of leftists surrounded the statue and wanted to either vandalize it, or take it down entirely. Meanwhile another group called, Notary lives matter got word of this protest and went to defend the statue. Their argument was that this man was an important part of history even though he had committed some sins according to the modern way of thinking. The second argument was that five hundred years from now when there are statues of violent and irratic protesters, those statues will be knocked down because five hundred years from now they will be prejudiced against people do drugs, act crazy and destroy things.

The the protesters asked, “How do you know that?” The NLM leader said, “I just made that up — no just kidding, I asked my psychic.” Then the protesters asked, “Well how reliable is he?” NLM retored, “He’s accurate a lot of the time.” The head of the protesters asked, “Do you have his card or something. I need a psychic right now. My last one skipped town.” Then the NLM guy said, “I knew you were going to ask that… okay, I didn’t, but my psychic did, or at least I predict that he would.”

The NLM leaders said that destroying the statue would not change the past, or improve the future — it would just be an act of destruction and erasing our history and heritage. Can you imagine a world where history has been twisted or completely erased? Would you want to live in that type of world? History could not repeat itself because it wouldn’t have happened yet, plus there would be one less category on Jeopardy.

Then the protesters explained that we already lived in that type of world because history is taught from the point of view of the people who won wars, and that Native Americans are always represented as savage fighters or helpless victims simply because that is the only information the historians had on them. If the Native Americans had written history, they would have shown life as normal and then Custer coming out of nowhere and destroying them.

NLM rebutted that the protesters had a good point but were digressing, but not regressing. NLM decided that they would compromise by having the protesters create a statue of protesters protesting the statue of the Notary instead of smashing things down. The protesters agreed and so did the birds (tweet tweet) who were protesting that there were no transgender statues for them to go to the bathroom on — an interesting twist on transgender Avian bathrooms.

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November 3, 2017

Notary Sexual Harrasment Issues

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:10 am

Many lady Notaries are afraid to go to a single man’s house for obvious reasons. But, the type of harrassment in this blog article will surprise even you guys who read my blogs regularly. Here are some bizarre situations that would happen.

The client wanted to get it on with the Notary. The Notary was offended, but NOT because the client wanted to get it on with him, but because the client wanted to do it do it with him and his stamp. The Notary said, “I’m not into that!”

The next situation involves the Notary chasing a woman around a desk (sounds like a Hindi movie) to get her signature. The woman resists because she claims she doesn’t know the Notary well enough to sign his journal. Sounds like a Beetles song, “Baby let me sign your journal.”

The last situation happened with Will from Will and Grace. Will had a male Notary who was straight who was offended because of how Will kept talking about how he wanted to be Notarized. Will: “Oh, NOTARIZE me, STAMP me, STAMP me all night long. Oh, whip out that embosser. Oh, you… Do you want me to SIGN something? I want to SIGN your BOOK. Oh please let me sign your book! Are you going to hold my thumb when we do journal thumbprints?” Then the Notary said, “Oh, my state doesn’t require thumbprints.” Then Will said, “in that case, you’re fired, but before I fire you, are you going to stamp me for approval?”

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October 27, 2017

Vietnam War Notaries. A POA for a POW.

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 12:52 am

Back in the 60’s, soldiers were not the only ones sent to Vietnam. Notaries were as well.

One such Notary was talking to another Notary in the plane and asked, “If I like the Beatles, does that make me a Lennonist, a McCartneyist, or an anti-McCarthyist?” The other Notary said, “It makes you a music lover, and probably left-wing. I think we’re fighting on the wrong side.” Speaking of music, on the plane, they had some Cuban-Vietnamese music played with a Viet-Conga drum to keep the rhythm. Then, another Notary commented that Ho-Chi-Minh was not a hoochi mamma, but a ho-chi baba. The discussion moved from dumb jokes to a more serious matter. Names. Some of the humor on the plane came from a book written by the famous Chinese comedian “Foo-Ling” and his wife the nutritionist “Rose Hip.”

So many people in Vietnam have the same names. Half the country is named Nguyen, Tranh, or Duc. How can you tell people apart based purely on the names?

Meanwhile on the front, Vietnamese smugglers were engaged in human trafficking of refugees into Cambodia. Van Winh Vu smuggled regugees in a van (more than just a name) but was caught by an American soldier named Carl Van Schessler. I guess it’s one van for another, or more of a van pool. Then Truc Le Tranh smuggled regfugees in a truck while Tranh had ammunition transported in a compartment of a Train.

Notaries were very fearful of going to their Notary appointments because of all the booby traps. Between road side bombs, pungi sticks hidden under banana leaves and mines. It was like playing dodge ball every step of the way.

THE APPOINTMENT
Harry the Notary was on his way through some rice paddies to Notarize a transaction for a few very large bags of rice which was the local currency. He prayed to God he did not bump into the Viet Cang on his way, or American planes dropping any napalm.

Harry got to his appointment only to find that Tranh Duc Ho was selling twenty 50 pound bags of rice to Tranh Duc Ho. The Notary asked, “Is this some type of a joke?” Tranh #1 said, “No, we just have the same name. That is common around here. See, look at our ID’s. They say the same name. We look similar too.” The Notary said, “Oh, God. Doing Notaries around here is like walking through a mine field.” The Notary decided to thumbprint everyone to keep them honest and make notes about who had a tattoo where or a scar where just to keep the record straight. After the notarization was over, the American military came and confiscated all of the rice since the Vietcong was in the area. Why is life so unfair. Are we the good guys, the bad guys, or what?

Then the Notary went back to the base and talked to another Notary named Sam. Sam had been near where they were dropping Notary Palm. It’s kind of like napalm but has black ink that burns at 2000 degrees. Then, the new weapon for Notaries was filling a pungi stick with Notary ink and shooting ink out of the stick. After this scary conversation they met yet another American who escaped from a POW camp.

A POA FOR A POW

JOHNNY: “I need a POA for a POW.”

HARRY: “I can do that. Do you mean a former POW?”

JOHNNY: “No, it’s for a friend. He wants to have his car managed by his wife back home.”

HARRY: “What happened to your fingers?”

JOHNNY: “They got messed up when I was in The Trang.”

HARRY: “Oh, what did they do to you there?

JOHNNY: “They made me give details of troop locations by sticking bamboo slits under my fingernails.”

HARRY: “Ouch. If you don’t talk do they move you to the basement of the Trang?”

JOHNNY: “The what? No, I didn’t say, “The Trang, I said De Trang. It’s a city in Nam.”

HARRY: “Oh, shows what I know. The Trang sounds like the name of a jungle vietcong prison camp to me, or just a remote jungle.”

JOHNNY: “I don’t know if I can get those guys out while I visit, but at least a notarized POA will do. After it’s notarized, we can see about an escape route. They might have moved location, so we will have to track them and the Notary will have to come along. It’s twenty days on foot. So we will need to bring plenty of food, water, and disinfectant. Are you any good at setting up booby traps?

HARRY: “I know a guy who flies a helecopter shaped like a Notary Seal who taught me a thing or too. I know how to make a mine that looks like a Notary Seal. If you press on the top, then ink flies everywhere. It’s sort of like a science experiment.”

JOHNNY: “Well this trip is not an experiment. One wrong move and you’re dead or lose a leg which in the parts we’re going to is a slow death.”

HARRY: “Well I’m not going to die because I’m special.”

JOHNNY: “For the last two years I’ve been putting pieces of special people in body bags. Everybody’s mother thinks their special.”

HARRY: “You’re the bravest soldier I’ve ever met!”

JOHNNY: “Thanks, I’ll remember that compliment when I’m putting pieces of you in a body bag.”

HARRY: So, how do you think the war is going?”

JOHNNY: “The Vietcong is upset because they have run out of new and creative ways to rip someone’s rib cage out of their body and have failed to find a perfect way to create a booby trap that rips someone in two exact pieces. They tried ripping people’s eyes out of their sockets but were lousy at that. But, they are good at booby traps which is how I lost half of my men. Meanwhile half of our guys capitalize on how weed and heroin are pennies on the dollar over here and in very pure form. That slows their reaction time in battle which is why our kill ratio isn’t what it should be. Meanwhile the Southern Vietnamese army is upset because the price of pedacures has doubled. ”

HARRY: “What are they, a bunch of girls?”

JOHNNY: “Half of them act like girls while in the Vietcong, half of them are girls who could rip your arm out of its socket. One girl called the Apache castrated one of our guys while he was still alive. We hunted her down for three days and assassinated her with a long range rifle. Normally they ambush us, but we turned the tables due to extenuating circumstances.”

HARRY: “What happened to the guy?”

JOHNNY: “He died of blood loss within minutes. Isn’t he lucky?”

HARRY: “Well, let Saigons be Saigons. Okay, let’s visit The Trang and do a POA for a POW.”

JOHNNY: “We leave at 0400 hours. Get some z’s while you can. And we’re going to the jungle near Da Nang, not De Trang.”

HARRY: “Oh, they have a Trang there too?”

JOHNNY: “Never mind.”

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October 22, 2017

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 1:01 am

Some people like to be politically correct and use all of the correct language that the neo-marxists want to control us into using. Some of us go around pushing our semantic preferences on others which gets very offensive after a while. The Notary community has been affected by this political correctness too.

We used to have only Oaths, but now we have Affirmations to please the unbelievers as well as those who are ultra-religious and don’t believe in swearing. The problem is that Notaries are so intimidated by the people who are anti-swearing that Notaries deliver Affirmation verbiage when you ask for specifically for an Oath because they are afraid to offend you. I am very offended that you did NOT mention swear in my Oath? I fail people on quizzes because they omit the word, “swear.” If someone doesn’t want to swear do an Affirmation, but you cannot mix and match notary verbiages and procedures. In an Affirmation you affirm, in an Oath you swear. Anthing different would be like a pimp with a health plan. There I go again! I meant to say Pimp-American and we can no longer say health plan but most say PPO, or HMO, or for pimps they now have a PMPO. The bottom line is that the leftist politically correct people have taken over, we have lost our freedom of speech, and most Notaries don’t know their Notary acts at all which is a disaster. The only people who can come to our defense include Bill Meyer and Family Guy!

But, what about being Notarially Correct? Is there such a thing and should there be? To be politically correct when someone orders their coffee black, you ask, “Don’t you mean African-American?”

You certify an acknowledged signature
But, when you Acknowledge a signature as a Notary, what you really mean is that you Certify and Acknowledged signature — and no, it is not just semantics. Because it is not the Notary who acknowledged the signature, it is the signer who acknowledges, the Notary certifies and notarizes.

You got your Notary commission
Many ignorant and notarially incorrect people say, “I just got my Notary.” or “I just got my certificate.” What they mean is that they just received the certificate that certifies them as a state commissioned Notary. The more NC way of saying this is, “I just received my Notary commission.”

Are you a Notary Public?
Some people ask if you are a Notary Republic, a Noterary, or a Notarizer. How ignorant can you get? A Notary Public is a public servant who does Notary work. They work for the public and hence have the term public in their name. A Notary Public may not turn down a legal request from the public otherwise they would be a Notary Private. And you are not a nation, so you are not a Notary Republic any more than Banana Republic is a Republic although I love their button down tropical shirts!

Send me an acknowledgment certificate
Some people say, “Hey, send me a Jurat in the mail.” This sounds like an illegal request. But, if they mean an acknowledgment certificate they better get their terms straight. The two notary acts are not the same.

Filling in your journal the wrong way is also not notarially correct. The correct and thorough methodology is one journal entry per person per document and include additional notes about the signer and a thumbprint. Your state might not require it but the judge who you will be facing will appreciate your prudency and so will 123notary!

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October 6, 2017

A dream about Baskin Robbins

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:40 am

Running 123notary is quite grueling. If I sometimes (or usually) seem impatient, it is because I have so many things to do and not enough time. Sometimes after working many hours I like to go out for ice cream. As a child we had Baskin Robbins nearby. But, in my neighborhood, they closed down the only 31 flavors many years ago. But, I was in San Gabriel in a Chinese neighborhood where they still have them. So, I got pistachio almond which did not exist when I was little. There is something about the texture of their ice cream. I just don’t like the new boutique creameries as much as good old fashioned Baskin Robbins.

But, then I had a dream. I was confronted with a tray with twelve scoops of ice cream in a kitchen. But, I only had one. I guess I had this dream because their ice cream meant so much to me. After that I had a dream about a psycho Notary who I had a problem with.

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September 16, 2017

A Notary at a Bat-Mitzvah

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:49 pm

A Notary who was down on his luck with women tried some new strategies for meeting women. He went to a comedy club, but bombed even worst than the amateur comedian who asked him to notarize a joke. The Notary said, your comedy act IS a joke! Then the Notary struck out when going to a Bat-Mitzvah.

Then the Notary (who had a lot of Jewish friends) decided that the Bat-Mitzvah was much better than the Bar-Mitzvah because people didn’t get drunk playing baseball there.

After that, the Notary had to drive through a part of town with heavy traffic while he was on the phone with the Bar-Mitzvah boy. Our Notary said he wanted to circument the traffic by taking a side route, but the 13 year old recently Bar-Mitzvah’ed boy recommended that instead — he circumsize the area!

Then the 13 year old boy described his problem to the Notary. The boy went to the Orthodox Notary and said, Can you do an Abrucha Notarization on my skateboard? The Orthodox Notary said, I would love to, but what is that thing you have with the wheels on it. Then he went to the Converservative Notary and the Notary said, I like the way you think kid, but I really can’t do such an act — it wouldn’t be kosher. Then the boy went to a Reformed Notary and said, ‘Notary, can you do an Abrucha Notary blessing on my skateboard?” The Notary said, “Nice skateboard, my cousin has one just like it, but tell me — what is an abrucha Notarization?”

Then the Notary said, “No problem, I’ll do an Abrucha Notarization for you on an Oath, or sworn written statement — your choice. The Oath will be in English, and then I’ll say some prayer.”

After that, the Notary went to one of those Shabbat dinners at a Kabbalistic Shul. During dinner, he said, “I want to make a joke about Reformed Rabbis.” Then a Reformed Rabbi got up and said, “I’m a Reformed Rabbi.” Then the Notary said,

NOTARY: “Good, then you’ll get the joke — or not, because the whole point of the joke is to make fun of the fact that Reformed Rabbis don’t get it — like not knowing what Abrucha is or other Hebrew terminology.”

REFORMED RABBI: Not knowing what what is?

NOTARY: Thanks for playing along with me.

REFORMED RABBI: I wasn’t playing along.

NOTARY: That’s the ammunition for the joke then!

REFORMED RABBI: Well, did you hear about the Notary Public who didn’t know what “Scilicit” or “Locus Sigilli” mean?

NOTARY: Who didn’t know what what meant?

REFORMED RABBI: It seems that you know a lot about Judaism, but nothing about how to be a Notary

NOTARY: Listen, I might not know how to be a good Notary, and you might not know how to be a good Rabbi, but both of us are better than that pathetic comedian I saw yesterday — his comedy routine was a joke!

REFOFORMED RABBI: Not as much of a joke as the goalee I hired for our last Bat-Mizvah!

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September 15, 2017

Psych Notary Episode

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 11:54 pm

There is a sit-com on Ion television that you can sometimes get on other cable stations called Psych. It’s about a psychic Shawn Spencer and his sidekick Burton Guster. In any case, the psychic is a fake half the time who sees real clues that nobody else saw him see and then pretends to have a vision.

In this episode, a Notary is found dead and his stamp is found missing. The detectives arrive on the scene.

LASSITER: The body is dead — and it’s cold. It could have been lying here for a good seven to ten hours in my estimate. The cause of death seems unclear.

JULES: Let’s take the body to the lab and see if there is any sign of food poisoning. The victim seems to be a Notary Public, and you know how those type of people are — you know — eating on the road on the run.

SHAWN: You’re right. He might have eaten a poisoned fish filet or….wait a second, I’m getting something… (puts his right two fingers to his head) This MAN, did not die from accidental food poisoning (pause)… he was murdered.

LASSITER: You and your unsubstantiated hunches. I just can’t stand it. And what’s worse is that you’re right more than half the time.

SHAWN: Some people say that I’m talented. Oh, and I’m sorry about your tragic breakup.

LASSITER: Yeah… so am I. I really fell for her.

SHAWN: Don’t despair Lassie, there are other fish in the sea… and coral, particularly Staghorn coral.. and sometimes Pillar coral, and it really sucks when that filmy type of algae gets stuck on the coral.. hmmm. I wonder how that happens. But, I digress. My point is that I’m sure you’ll find someone else.

GUS: Yeah… You’ll find someone. Algae on coral? Ain’t no algae on coral.

SHAWN: I’ve seen it. At least half a dozen times.

GUS: Where?

SHAWN: Snorkeling

GUS: Since when do you snorkel?

SHAWN: I snorkel… Why, you didn’t think I snorkeled? I’m a snorkeler. And I can communicate with fish too. Watch this (puts face near the fish tank and blows bubbles in the air) bubble bubble bubble… See. I told you. I am all about the sea.

JULES: Well, we’ll have to inspect the scene thoroughly and then round up some suspects. Hmm. It seems that this man is a Notary, yet his Notary seal seems to be missing. Perhaps this Notary was murdered to cover up a botched notarization.

LASSITER: Or perhaps the Notary had an exclusive contract with his boss, and his boss found out….

SHAWN: That the Notary was cheating on him… I think you’re projecting, Lassie. Your ex-girlfriend.

LASSITER: She never cheated on me! She was arrested for conspiracy.

SHAWN: Sure she didn’t. I understand. We need to know who the last one who was in the room was — and that man (or woman) will be… the killer.

GUS: What if there were two of them.

SHAWN: Okay… I’m getting something. (puts right fingers to side of head). I know who the killer is… or should I say… “Killizz”

LASSITER: According to this security footage, a well known gangster named Tommy Walker was the last man to come here.

SHAWN: Wait a second, I recognize those finger tattoos. Put them all together, one one hand is says love, and on the other hand’s fingers it says hate. And mom told me not to use four letter words. The killer had a document missing a page and the Notary refused to sign it. So, the killer murdered the Notary, stole the Notary’s stamp and backdated the notarization so that it would APPEAR to have been done long before the murder even though it would not be recorded until after because of some last minute travel arrangements gone bad.

JULES: How do you come up with this?

SHAWN: I have a natural gift.

(Meanwhile the main suspect Tommy Walker, a hardened criminal is at home eating fruit loops and watching the muffets when our dynamic team of sleuths barges in)

LASSITER: (pointing gun) You’re under arrest for the Murder of John Q Smith, Notary Public at large.

TOMMY: I didn’t kill him. He just died shortly after our Notary appointment.

SHAWN: Ah-ha, but your Notary appointment yielded no actual notarization. Or did it. Wait a second… I”m getting something (see’s notarized form in the bag) I see a … win a trip for two to Disney Land…

GUS: Shawn!

SHAWN: Oh, sorry, no… check right behind the Disneyland document and you will find the incriminating document. Yes… A falsified Power of Attorney with a classic missing page… The NNA warns people about that type of situation.

JULES: Oh my God Shawn. You’re right. This Notarization was dated several days ago, but the ink is still fresh.

SHAWN: Caught… in the act. And… we happen to have access to this Notary’s Notary journal which has no record of your transaction on May 5th, “el cinco de Mayo” of the Power of Attorney in question. Which proves that either the Notary kept lousy records, or that you faked the notarization. We’ll have to take the form to the lab so that Woody can inspect the ink for aging.

TOMMY: Okay, I did it. I stole the Notary’s seal, but I didn’t kill him. The killer

SHAWN: Or “Killizz”

TOMMY: is STILL at large. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy. In the mean time… hello travelocity.

JULES: Not so fast. We have the right to detain you until we resolve this.

GUS: Good thing this Notary kept good records because many Notaries on 123notary don’t think they need to keep a journal since their state doesn’t require it. And the ones in California who are required, don’t understand that each document and signature require their own journal entry. You can’t just put them all on the same line and expect that to be a legal record.

SHAWN: How do you know all this?

GUS: Because I used to be a commissioned Notary Public for the state of California, County of Santa Barbara — thank you very much for asking.

SHAWN: Oh cool, so can you notarize my stuffed penguin I’ve had since childhood?

GUS: You never had a stuffed penguin.

SHAWN : Did too, you just never saw it.

GUS: Where did you keep it?

LASSITER: Gentlemen, let’s be done with this inconsequential rambling and get to the task at hand. We need to take Tommy into custody and then question him. Meanwhile, we need to see Woody to see what the autopsy reveals.

WOODY: Hmmm, I’ve checked the body thoroughly and it seems that the Notary was administered a tiny amount of poison that would make him drowsy for just the amount of time it would take Tommy to borrow the Notary’s seal, stamp a document, return the seal and then leave. Tommy probably figured the Notary wouldn’t suspect a thing. HOWEVER, since the Notary had an allergy to some of the chemicals in the poison, the Notary died on the spot. Although the death was accidental, the poisoning was not.

LASSITER: Involuntary manslaughter. Tommy will get a much shorter sentence. A petty crime gone wrong.

SHAWN: Couldn’t the Notary die on an x, or on a dotted line instead of on the spot. Wouldn’t that be cooler.

GUS: Shawn! A notary can’t die on an x marks the spot. That’s ridiculous. He could die on a chair.

SHAWN: Or a gezebo. Or … wait a second, or a pagoda. But, that would probably only be a Japanese Notary.

GUS: Unless it was an American tourist Notary who was on vacation in a place where there are pagodas.

SHAWN: True, but would the American Notary carry their seal with them to Osaka to a pagoda and then just die there?

GUS: I don’t know. But, the Notary seal might drop out of his bag while he was bowing. When Americans bow, they bow too low. Japanese bow just a little bit — just the right amount.

SHAWN: How do you know so much about bowing?

GUS: I studied Hokkaido style karate — that is how I know. And if you studied that too, the knowledge would come from within you.

SHAWN: Right now the only thing coming from within me is an intense desire to eat a pineapple. Wanna share one?

GUS: Okay!

LASSITER: You guys are both insane. But, we cracked the case and we can all go home now, except for Tommy who’s going to do some real time.

SHAWN: Yes, unless he also finds a way to backdate his prison sentence!

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September 8, 2017

Notary speaker offends college students

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:53 pm

Notary is hired to do a speech for college students in Berkeley. But, everything he says offends them.

NOTARY: Welcome class. Today I am here to speak of the duties of the Notary Public. A notary is appointed by the Secretary of State or Notary division in the prospective Notary’s respective state.

SUZIE: Like… Notaries should be able to do whatever they want man… Screw the rules.

NOTARY: Well, if you ignore the rules, you could end up losing your commission and ending up in jail

JACK: That’s fascist man… Not fair. Let’s throw things!!!!!

NOTARY: I’ll call for police back up if you throw one thing.

JACK: I knew you were on their side. You’re a rightist extremist!!!

SUZIE: So, what about women. Do women have equal opportunities in the Notary world or is there a glass ceiling like in the rest of the world where we have “equal” opportunities.

NOTARY: Actually, now that you mention it, the reason for the pay gap between men and women in jobs at large worldwide stems from the fact that women work three hours less per week than men — assuming they work at all. Additionally, men are more willing to do dirty, dangerous, technical and otherwise unpleasant work while women prefer to do work that is more socially gratifying, involving people, healing, children, and that lead to a balanced life even if it pays less. The result is that women have more balanced lives but get paid less. If you compare apples to apples for women and men with the same amount of experience, neither of whom take a maternity leave and work the same amount of hours and with the same vigor and skill level, women actually get paid slightly more than men.

SUZIE: Bullshit!!!! That’s sexist! Let’s start a riot!!!!

NOTARY: I have the police on speed dial if you can’t control yourself.

JACK: This guy’s a fascist — let’s get the noise maker and drown him out so he can’t be heard!!!!

NOTARY: I am here for your benefit so you will do better in the real world. If you want to undermine that opportunity, that hurts you, not me.

FRANK: Good point. I think we need to listen instead of antagonizing the Notary, even if that means compromising our “values” of attacking anyone we falsely accuse of being right wing, unfair or fascist when we are the ones who are unfair fascists of a left-wing variety.

SUZIE: You said it!! Wait a second. Could you repeat that?

NOTARY: Yes, by preventing people from speaking by force you are imposing a vigilante style neo-marxist fascism. If more people did that, we would all lose our freedom of speech just like in many other countries — which would be bad, unless it was only you guys losing your freedom of speech as well as the freedom to throw things which is considered a felony.

FRANK: I’m in your boat on this one. Or on the wagon. Or… I just quit smoking so, maybe I’m off the wagon. Not sure…. Go on!

NOTARY: A Notary’s job includes Acknowledging signatures, administering Oaths, taking Jurats, and sometimes a few other tasks, but those are the main three. Official acts can vary from state to state, but all states have Acknowledgments, Jurats, and Oaths.

JACK: You mean like Quaker Oaths?

NOTARY: No, Jack, an Oath is where you raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth like when they swore in Donald… bad example, like how they would have sworn in Hillary Clinton had the election not been rigged.

FRANK: Traitor!!!

SUZIE: I had you all wrong. I LOVE you Mr. Notary. Would you date me? It would be like how Ross dated that college student on Friends.

NOTARY: Oh God. I’m just trying to appease the situation, but it seems I made an enemy out of Frank in the process. In any case, an Acknowledged signature is when a signer signs a document. They can take it later on to a Notary and have the Notary fill out a form stating they acknowledge signing the document. They do not have to sign in the presence of the Notary, but do need to show ID and personally show up in front of the Notary. A Jurat requires the signer to sign in front of the Notary and swear to the truthfulness of the document.

SUZIE: How romantic. It sounds like getting married. By the way, you have pretty blue eyes!

JACK: I do!!!

NOTARY: Sometimes a Notary will need credible witnesses to swear in a signer who doesn’t have an ID.

FRANK: Wait… credible what-nisses?

NOTARY: Witnesses

FRANK: Are you doing something criminal where there are witnesses? Do you have a witness protection program?

NOTARY: Honestly, you people are such a bunch of dumb-asses!!!

JACK: Ha ha ha… That’s what I think to. I’m around this type of behavior so much I don’t even notice it. It’s like being in the 8th grade perpetually, except in the 8th grade I didn’t understand the meaning of perpetual.

SUZIE: Yeah, neither did I. I thought a perpetual was a pervert.

NOTARY: They could be… Or they could be a perpetrator. Anyway…Now this is a Notary Journal. The signer has to sign the document as well as the Notary journal right here….

JACK: Woah… Can I sign?

SUZIE: Yeah, I wanna sign too!!!

FRANK: Aren’t you supposed to have a document being Notarized to sign this? Signing the journal is not just for fun. Let’s be serious. Oh wait… Is that the fee section? How much do you dudes get paid? I need a career when I get out of this joint.

NOTARY: Notaries now make $15 per signature. If you have ten signatures to notarize in an hour, you can give a discount or make up to $150.

JACK: Wow, I make $9.25 per hour, that’s like what I make in an hour in a half. I’m becoming a Notary. Can you be a felon and still become a Notary?

NOTARY: No..

JACK: Good, that will weed out the competition — cuz, like, I’m not a felon. I don’t even look like one.

NOTARY: Well that’s the main thing, isn’t it!

SUZIE: I had you so wrong. I love you Notary man! Oh… I’m going back home to write a song about blue eyed Notary man… How I dream of Notary man.

NOTARY: It was nice meeting you all. Here is my card in case you ever need a Notary, or in your case a date who is twice your age. But, as they say — age is just a number.

SUZIE: And Notary fees are just a number that will help when you take me out to a French Cafe called Le Jurat!

NOTARY: It’s a date. Don’t tell the Dean of students. He’ll crucify me.

SUZIE: If he does, we’ll riot and he knows that. He has his hands tied. This place is run by anarchists, not the Dean.

JACK: Yup!!!! And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

FRANK: Speak for yourself!

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September 1, 2017

The new travel ban on Notaries from 7 countries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:47 am

Constitutional or not, there has been a new travel ban on Notaries from seven countries.

El Salvador
Due to the cartel violence, Notaries are not allowed to travel to or from El Salvador, but Mexico is not on the list because the Zetas cartel bribed Washington.

Canada
A travel ban to Notaries going to Canada has also been enacted due to an incident where a Notary botched a notarization at a hockey game and then made a cheesy joke about how Canadians say, “It’s aboot time eh?”

Somalia
Somali Notaries were banned from going to Somalia because one was caught trying to spread Sharia law in Minnesota. But, refugees can still come here if they go via neighboring Kenya where there is also a growing refugee crisis.

Syria
Syria is on the list because too many Notaries complained that half of the ID’s they got from Syria were either falsified, or stolen. A simple thumbprint on the passport would solve a lot of this problem.

Israel (not included in the 7 banned by Washington)
Israel was also on the list because the head Rabbi didn’t want anyone flying on the Sabbath which is from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. So, to be on the safe side, they decided not to let Israeli Notaries fly to America period! But, this decision was made by Israel, and not by Washington and therefor cannot be counted in the seven.

Korea
Korean Notaries were also banned because a Korean Notary was on their way to an appointment in Jeremy’s neighborhood in Los Angeles, but driving the wrong way on a one-way road on a circular route around a water fountain in Park La Brea. Authorities have identified this lady as Park Chong-He (who is a she, not a he) who is now classified as a vehicular terrorist who would be better off Park(ed) rather than driving. No kidding, this happened yesterday afternoon.

Andorra
Andorra was on the list too not for typical reasons, but because authorities can’t find it on a map. It is allegedly a tiny city state scrunched between France and Spain, but the zoom feature on Google maps wasn’t working on their computer, so they decided to ban it anyway.

Belgium
Although not an Islamic country and not a country with an Islamic majority, it was banned as a safety precaution and to send a message to Belguim. Belgium is now known as a country that harbors terrorists and whose police force is too inept to identify and prosecute dangerous members of society. The police claim they are too busy and there are too many people on their suspect list. Meanwhile, after the deadly Paris attack done by Belgian residents, France insists on keeping an open border with Belgium. It reminds me of 2006 as I freely drove from country to country within Europe without so much as a welcome from anyone other than the Swiss authorities. The only thought that went through my head is that this openness is a huge hole in security and dangerous. It could lead to huge problems down the road — and it has in the last eleven years since my visit.

Meanwhile, the ban on Notaries was temporarily overturn by Supreme Court Judges as of January 2017. We’ll see if the ban on traveling Notaries gets put back into effect. The court overturned the executive order because it was discriminatory towards countries with weak police departments, towards countries that lacked common sense, and towards bad drivers and therefor deemed unconstitutional. So, now a newer draft of the travel ban is in the making.

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