(8) Humor Archives - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
123Notary

Notary Blog – Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice – 123notary.com Control Panel

July 14, 2017

The Atheist’s Bible — for swearing in Affirmations to non-believers

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:50 am

The Atheist’s Bible

When atheists do an affirmation, they need to put their hand on something. And if it’s not the bible, we need a substitute. As “nobody” is his witness… the atheist’s bible is a little different from your Adam & Eve’s Garden Variety version. It also makes a handy gift for a non-believer’s Inaugural Day swearing in ceremony.

And what is it that non-believers, according to their bible, believe?

Nobody said “Let there be light.” It just came on out of the blue.

Heaven and earth was created in three days, not including Sundays or federal holidays.

Adam and Eve decided they were the same gender and saved the hassle of putting on fig leaves.

Noah’s Ark never existed. However, Loners Ark, where there was one of everything, did. How did they reproduce, you ask? They didn’t, because they wanted to remain alone.

After Sodom and Gomorrah had their marriage certificate notarized, they went on their honeymoon to get officially sodomized. After which Gomorrah started their first marital tiff: “Why “sodomize” and no “gomorrahize”?4
When Samson got caught in hairy situations cheating on his wife, his alibis got stronger.

Moses waited forever to hear from God. When he didn’t show up, Moses came down the mountaintop and gave his people the zero commandments.

Jesus spent his 33 years searching for his real father. Never finding him was a heavy cross to bear.

Thanks for reading this. And may nobody be with you.

Share
>

July 7, 2017

5 New Official Notary Acts

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:50 am

My comedy writer and I decided that the existing Notary acts are boring, and that we should create some new and more interesting ones. So, here they are!

Notary Ax – For New Yorkers who can’t pronounce “notary acts.”

Adjustment: Swearing you signed the document on a certain date, but you wrote down the wrong date and it needs to be adjusted. If your notary is a chiropractor, you go for multiple adjustments. If your notary is a nude chiropractor, there are other cracks that have nothing to with adjustments.

Wine Certification – Certifying that a wine is good during a wine tasting. A particular wine had two notes but no closing disclosure, because the cork broke so they couldn’t close the bottle. Was it the wine that had a lot of notes, or the mortgage? Both.

Marriage Officiation – The form has to have room for both parties to sign. He and she. Or he and he. Or she and she. Thanks to the hes and shes on the Supreme Court who went for the hes and hes and shes and shes. Why was the lady’s mother pleased she married a mortgage broker? He had many good points.

Divorce Officiation – Where the notary executes a document to prevent the he and she, or he and he, or she and she, from executing each other.

Disavowment – A notary act where you swear you didn’t sign a document. “That’s not my signature. I didn’t sign that. It doesn’t even look like my signature. A bad forger must have did that!” “What happens when a forger gets his signature forged? Does that make it valid?”

Share
>

July 5, 2017

Notarizing David Duke with Bernie Sanders

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:32 am

DAVID DUKE: Hello? I need a Notary to notarize a paper for me.

NOTARY: What type of document sir?

DAVID DUKE: It is an affidavit of anti-NON-semitism. I feel I have been discriminated against. There’s nothing worse than racism. It erodes the fabric of society (sob…)

NOTARY: Meet me at Starbucks at 3pm.

BERNIE SANDERS: Hello? I need a Notary to help me with a proposal to congress to consider having free college tuition for everybody.

NOTARY: Meet me at Starbucks at 3:10pm.

Later at Starbucks…

DAVID DUKE: Oh, you’re here. I have my document all ready. Where’s the cream? Coffee isn’t supposed to be black.

NOTARY: Aren’t you the guy who hates everybody?

DAVID DUKE: No, I don’t hate anyone. I just think that having people with different cultural sensibilities from different communities living under the same government creates friction. That and spitting in the faces of people different from me.

NOTARY: Oh, so you don’t want to kill anyone?

DAVID DUKE: No, that’s old school thinking of radical people. I’m a peaceful separationist. Especially when I separate the whites from darks on laundry day. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

NOTARY: According to your information online, you don’t like Zionism or certain power control groups. Luckily, my other signer here happens to be Jewish, but not a Zionist.

DAVID DUKE: Well thank God. There’s one more on our side.

BERNIE: I’d sooner have mayonnaise on the side of my corned beef special. Yes, I have a great issue with many discriminatory policies enacted by the state of Israel. But, you can go to college there for either free or a low cost if you can pass their impossible to pass test. So, they have something going for them, plus they have very good Yemenite food like Schoog as well as Challah. You know how it is in Israel. If it doesn’t have a gutteral sound, it doesn’t go in your mouth!

DAVID DUKE: That seems semi-fair. That way the taxpayers won’t be taxed much unless the students are worth it. But, it will be hard to pass that test given that the only people who take it are smart Jewish kids who one day will control the media.

BERNIE: You just added to the billions and billions of reasons you annoy me.

NOTARY: Yeah, and if the student is really stupid, but comes from a rich family, they can always study overseas. By the way Bernie, college is never for free. You are not the one paying for people’s college out of your pocket. It is out of Notary’s pockets that people of questionable worthiness will have their school paid for under your policies.

BERNIE: Yes, but everybody deserves a free education and health care. It’s how the world should really be. Just like I should have been nominated and beat Trump’s ass.

NOTARY: You know, I disagree with you about absolutely everything, but I just love how you sincerely believe in what you stand for and I have the utmost respect for you as a result. I’d have even more respect if you’d become a billionaire and give 90% of your money away to people who want to go to college on someone else’s tab. But, a question for Mr. Duke here now. I feel unrepresented. I feel that nobody stands for me.

DAVID DUKE: Join the club…

NOTARY: Everybody else has someone to stand for them.
The Blacks have Malcolm X and Jessie Jackson
The Latinos have Edward Olmos and Cesar Chavez
White Separatists have… well… you (for lack of a better choice.)
The Quakers have the Quaker Oats guy with the hat
The Jews have Ariel Sharon
White Liberals have Bernie over here
But, who do middle of the road white guys have to support them?

DAVID DUKE: Not Hillary Clinton

NOTARY: Amen to that!!!! And by the way, if Native Americans have the right to have reservations and live in segragation without any criticism, how come White Anglo Saxon Protestants can’t do the same?

DAVID DUKE: You’re preaching to the choir.

NOTARY: I’m talking about just a little reservation in Idaho or Alabama, not the entire 50 states like you’d like.

DAVID DUKE: I’d settle for 48. It’s just not fair. But, in the meantime let’s notarize my document. A Rabbi discriminated against me because I wasn’t Jewish. I feel very violated. It’s a case of anti-non-semitism. Why is the world so unfair to me?

BERNIE: You think the Jews are after you? You should see how the pro-Israel lobby treats me. I’m treated like self-hating Jew. I love myself and I love Judaism. I just don’t like all of the corrupt politics that goes on!

NOTARY: Hold on, I’m getting a phone call. Hello?

RABBI SHAPIRO: Yes, I’m going to need a document notarized in regards to David Duke.

NOTARY: Okay, but first I have a question for you that might sound like a Talmudic question. Which is worse, anti-semitism, or anti-NON-semitism?

RABBI SHAPIRO: You wouldn’t happen to be hanging around with Bernie Sanders and David Duke at Starbucks right now, would you?

NOTARY: Yes and come on down. I have a 3:20 appointment available. Bring your ID. And by the way, why didn’t you want to talk to him?

RABBI SHAPIRO: He’s anti-semitic because he feels that Jews discriminate against him and want to harm him which is true on account of the fact that he is anti-semitic. Now he is claiming that I am anti-NON-semitic because I refuse to talk to him. But, the real reason I couldn’t talk to him was because I needed to call a Notary. But, I forgot why I needed to call a Notary. And now I remember — to sign an affidavit claiming that I am not anti-NON-semitic.

NOTARY: So, it’s kind of like the chicken and the egg scenario. It all adds up. I can ask David to stay a few minutes extra if you’d like to meet him. Maybe you can have a peace process like they do in the Holy Land and come up with a solution. Land for peace, or some co-existence talk, etc. And if you guys disagree too vehemently, I know a guy who can build a wall.

Share
>

June 23, 2017

Your Highness or My Highness? Notaries in the Age of Pot

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:47 am

Your Highness or My Highness? Notaries in the Age of Pot

Warning — you might get high smoking this… I mean reading this document. How’s that for the pot calling the kettle black?

Putting words like Felon or Marijuana in a blog title is excellent, because those are great buzzwords, especially when the blog is about marijuana or other substances that get you buzzed.

I live in Los Angeles where I inhale a regular amount of second hand marijuana smoke just walking down the street. People think it’s okay to do drugs in public here. Maybe because it’s “legal,” that makes it okay. I don’t know if those micro-doses are good for me or not, but it might calm me down. It’s stressful dealing with 7000 irate Notaries every day.

Yesterday, a Supreme Court Justice ruled in favor of allowing Notaries to smoke marijuana while performing official Notary acts. What a stupid ruling — he must have been high when he made that decision. If you hire a Notary who smokes pot and he asks for a form of identification, don’t ask for his too. He’s paranoid enough that you might be a cop. Legal or not, old fears never die. Also be sure you bring munchies for when he’s finished, assuming the second-hand smoke doesn’t make you forget you brought munchies.

Some people claim that smoking marijuana increases your intelligence or makes you more creative. Michelangelo didn’t have to smoke pot. The air up there at the Sistine Chapel was high enough. I can see how pot could open channels in your brain, a la the ones in my cable package I never watch. However, being a Notary is more about keeping channels narrow, obeying the narrow word of the law, and making sure your signers do too.

Another point of view, is that some of the Notaries these days are so dumb that smoking marijuana would probably make for an improvement. Would it make them smart enough to realize they’re dumb when they aren’t smoking pot? I’ll smoke some pot and get back to you on that.

Finally, most Notaries are so resistant to studying loan signing and taking our test that a little toke of Mary Jane might get them through this arduous endeavor. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the high pressure sodium lights in your closet.

Speaking of the relaxing of legal barriers, a left-wing judge ruled in favor of no longer banning felons from becoming Notaries as that constitutes an unfair type of discrimination. (Not to be confused with a fair type of discrimination, rejecting people on dating sites who aren’t cute enough.) So, don’t be surprised if the next time you have a loan signing, an ex-gang banger from MS13 shows up with a shaved head, neck tattoos, and a few bullet holes in his shoulder and asks you to sign his journal. Next thing you know, that ex-gang banger might find it possible to become a Supreme Court Justice — after all, banning him would be discrimination. Unless he’s nominated in the final year of a Democratic President’s term. In which case, the only banging will be the head of the government’s head against the wall as Republicans refuse to meet with the ex-gang banger. But enough politics. This second-hand buzz is giving me the munchies.

Share
>

June 16, 2017

His 1st 100 days as a New Notary Public

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:49 am

Ever since FDR, when the only thing we had to fear was fear itself (and if you were a notary, not getting calls), the leader of the free world’s first 100 days in office was a blueprint for how effective he was and how much he could get done.

What about a notary public’s first 100 days? What are the promises a notary public makes on the job, the “campaign,” that he finds more challenging “governing”?
What should he be aiming to accomplish?

A certain number of loans for starters. An experienced notary could do between 3 and 8 per day unless it’s the end of the month. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a loan a day keeps the Secretary of State away. Assuming you don’t backdate. A beginner, if he’s lucky, can do one loan per day. So if you reach 100 loans in 100 days, you’re doing fairly okay. But if you’re doing 1001 loans in 1001 nights, you’re positively sheikh. If you have an affair on the job, you might do 69 if you’re lucky, or get lucky that is. If the lender’s gay, you might do a reverse, and I’m not talking about mortgages. If you’re a bad Georgia notary, you might get your commission im”peached”.

Who advises the notary? Who are his Jarrods and Ivankas? How about the NNA hotline. And, of course, Carmen at 123Notary.

How should a notary sell his agenda and goals, a la the leader of the free world, in early morning Tweets?

The goal is to get new companies to use you. Which begets this tweet…

“Just found out other companies you’re currently using wiretapped my office. Sad!”

Or…

“Tweet-backs. Sad!”

Or…

“That company didn’t pay quickly enough! Mean!”

If a notary doesn’t quite reach his goals by the end of the first 100 days, how can he make it sound, like the leader of the free world, as if he’s doing better than he is?

As in this Tweet…

“Jessica at SBC Signing Services says I was good and would definitely use me again. Although I haven’t heard from them again. Sad!”

Or…

“Paul said he would write a review for me. Although it’s been 45 days and nothing has happened. Sad!”

If all of your goals don’t get met in the first 100 days, there’s always the next 100 days. Remember – Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither was a wall around Mexico.

Share
>

June 9, 2017

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Are you black or white ee-nuff?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:42 am

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Are you black or white ee-nuff?

We got a very disrespectful comment about my rebuttal to comments on Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy Edition. This was the most popular comedy post we have written in years, yet the comments were hateful. I guess Americans have nothing constructive to say about race relations. There is either an imposed silence reflecting a social restriction on freedom of speech — or, there is downright hatred — but, very little in between.

So, this commenter claimed that Chris Rock reflected black Notaries poorly because I depicted him as having bad grammer. My rebuttal to his comment on my rebuttal is — Chris Rock is far more talented than any Notary on 123notary: black or white. The post in question was not supposed to be realistic of real Notaries as real Notaries are rarely funny, and would not be good characters in a blog article unless they are brilliant or outrageous. Let satire be satire and don’t try to overanalyze it. So, to appease the aforementioned commenter, we will make an equally erudite man named Sedric Watkins who happens to be black as the star of this blog.

TOMMY: So, why did you become a Notary?

SEDRIC (Black Notary): I became a Notary to supplement my bustling Real Estate management career.

TOMMY: But, isn’t being a Notary a low paying side job?

SEDRIC: I assure you that it is as high or low paying as you make it. I set my minimum at $90 because I have other things of value to do that compete for my limited time resources. Like reading Shakespeare. Or inventing a vaccine that can cure Bill O’Reilly.

—–

SAM (White Notary): (ring ring) Hello?

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi, this is Samantha from ABC signing service. We have a job in Compton where you will need to print out two sets of documents 300 pages each, do 65 fax backs, and notarize twelve signatures for a family of six. Can you do the job for $45?

SAM: I’d love to do the job for $45, but I’m afraid of going to Compton.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Figures… Hmmm. We need to find someone who isn’t afraid of going to the hood.

(ring ring)

SEDRIC: Punctilious Signing Services, this is Sedric.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi Sedric, let’s cut to the chase. And that wasn’t a dated reference to OJ. We need a Notary to go to the hood. We’ve tried twenty other Notaries, but they are all chicken. Mmm, chicken! Can you do the job?

SEDRIC: Why certainly. Ah yes, I remember the days of my impetuous youth when South Central used to be a black neighborhood.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, it still is, where we’re sending you. The signing is for a higher up in the Crips who started a business. It’s 300 pages, 65 fax backs, and twelve signatures per person for a family of six. Can you do it for $45?

SEDRIC: Yes — $45… per signer with a $90 minimum for single document signings and $150 minimum for loan signings.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hmm. So, you’re asking for $270.

SEDRIC: My time is in limited supply, and with six signers, if even one doesn’t show up, the whole signing is delayed.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, so you’ve done this before…

SEDRIC: Of my 2500 signings, seven were for multiple signers and those were prolonged to say the least.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: How about $150

SEDRIC: You’re paying for experience and a flawless track record.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: You folks do have quite a record when it comes to track.

SEDRIC: How patronizing of you.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Thank you. Okay, $155

SEDRIC: $200 paid in advance via Paypal. I agree to stay there up to 75 minutes just in case a signer doesn’t show up or doesn’t have ID.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Done…

SEDRIC: (ring ring) Hello, this is Sedric from Punctilious Signing Services. I will be seeing your party today at 3pm for a signing. Please have appropriate and current identification.

CRIPS BOSS: You got it. Oh … and one more thing. Wear light blue.

SEDRIC: I’m wearing a black suit today, but I’ll wear a blue tie to show solidarity with your movement.

(In the hood — Sedric parks his car in a busy commercial area to go up to the office.)

PASSERBY: Hey man, what-chu doing in our hood dressed like that? Are you going to a funeral or something?

SEDRIC: No, I happen to be a businessman.

PASSERBY: So, what is it with this uppity lingo you’re using. Are you sure you’re even black?

SEDRIC: “Uppity” is code I don’t appreciate. I assure you that I am black. Must we speak in this dialect?

PASSERBY: You’re the one with the dialect my brother. So, what’s up with you?

SEDRIC: To put it in your vernacular, I’m a “high brow brotha!”

PASSERBY: I heard that. But, you ain’t black ee-nough.

SEDRIC: What prey tell do you mean by black ee-nuff? I’m sure that your definition comprises using incorrect grammar, being opposed to the powers that be, failing out of high school, having an addiction and being a minimum of two months behind on your alimony. You just described a white acquaintance of mine, but I digress. I pay no heed to your juvenile and grievously preposterous sense of cultural sensibilities.

PASSERBY: You got it all wrong man. I never finished junior high school, and they couldn’t find my legal address to make me pay any alimony because I don’t have one — so the joke’s on you! Basicaly what I’m saying, is that there ain’t nothing black about you. Can you dig it?

SEDRIC: My definition of blackness is based purely on genetic lineages tracing back to West Africa. my dear friend. Culture is not a well-defined science you see and therefore not a logical characteristic for racial classification.

PASSERBY: Well you seem like an Uncle Tom.

SEDRIC: Thank you. My Uncle Thomas, much like myself, drives a Ferrari, studies karate, and has a fine lady friend. Here’s a photo of my lady.

PASSERBY: Damn!!!! She got it going on!!! Honeylicious!

SEDRIC: And my mother likes her too, because in addition to being visually appealing, she is a nice person.

PASSERBY: Nice honey, but you’re a mamma’s boy.

SEDRIC: If your mamma looked like Halle Barry, you would be too. Be that as it may, I’m a very well paid mamma’s boy.

PASSERBY: Well, yo mamma’s an auntie Thomassina! A female uncle Tom!

SEDRIC: What did you say about my mamma? (kick, crash, bash, crunch, smash, chop, knock, clash.)

PASSERBY: That wasn’t karate. That was jujitsu — Okanawan style. When I said there was nothing black about you, I take that back. There is something black about you — but only one. You don’t like it when nobody says nothing about yo mamma. Can you tell me… ummm..

SEDRIC: The GPS coordinates of the nearest hospital so that you can heal the damage that I just did to you? I would, but I have an appointment to go to. Oh, and one more thing. Your Theory about Uncle Tom’s cabin has a hole in it — in the roof!!!

CRIPS BOSS: Here’s our man… We have our ID’s ready and we’re ready.

SEDRIC: I’ll be here for 75 minutes. I just hope that that statistical probabability of one of the six of you getting arrested in the next 75 minutes is low so I don’t disappoint my new client.

CRIPS BOSS: Here are our six ID’s. I’ll just lay them out on the table Vegas style — like a fan. Oh, and don’t worry, we alerted the police to your presence, so they won’t bother you.

SEDRIC: You make it so easy.

CRIPS BOSS: What happened to the side of both of your hands?

SEDRIC: I had to take care of some business on the way over here.

CRIPS BOSS: Another appointment on such short notice. I sure like the way you do business. You know something. You should join our operation.

SEDRIC: Not in this lifetime. But, call me if you need a Notary Public, Real Estate Manager, or Okinawan Jujitsu teacher.

CRIPS BOSS: I know you claim to be Okinawan… but, are you Okinawan eee-nuff?

SEDRIC: It’s not me… it’s the Jujitsu that is Okinawan… never mind…

(ring ring)

SAM (White Notary) I just got this job in Beverly Hills. They have good Chinese food here too if you can find a parking spot.

SEDRIC: Good for you. I hope you charged them enough or should I say, “ee-nuff.”

SAM: Oh, I charged them $100. I’m learning from you. But, you’ll never guess what the job is about. There’s a guy from the hood in the Beverly Hills hospital who says he got beaten up by some uppity Notary who thought he was too good for the brotha’s.

SEDRIC: Did he have a huge bruise on his upper right temple?

SAM: Why yes.

SEDRIC: Never seen him before in my life! Just out of curiosity, after you told him about the Chinese food, did he tell you that you weren’t “white ee-nuff”?

SAM: I think he only says stuff like that to you. But, after your little interlude, perhaps from now on he’ll make his flip remarks to people like me.

SEDRIC: It’s a distinct possibility.

Share
>

June 2, 2017

Notary Ed — similar to Driver’s Education

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:27 am

Notaries go to school in many states, but there is no hands on training which is what we desperately need a few hours of. During driver’s education, your teacher is sitting right next to you. The best part is that he has a brake pedal on his side of the car just in case. With the types of Notaries out there these days, I think you need a Notary Ed teacher with a brake pedal as well.

TEACHER: Okay Johnny, now we are going to go into the signing. Now walk carefully!

JOHNNY: Yes teacher.

TEACHER: Now you are going to sit down in the red chair. Your client Mr. Higglesby will be sitting in the other chair. Now don’t worry about anything, I’ve got you covered.

JOHNNY: No problem.

MR. HIGGLESBY: Hello Joseph!

JOHNNY: It’s Johnny… by the way…

TEACHER: That’s okay, the point of our transaction is NOT for the client to correctly identify the Notary, but for the Notary to ______.

JOHNNY: For the Notary to positively identify the signer by verifying his or her identification document that has a photo, physical description, serial number and expiration date.

TEACHER: Very good Johnny. We’re on the right track.

JOHNNY: Ummmm…. May I see some identification please? Such as a drivers license or current passport?

MR. HIGGLESBY: Here you go. This is my California Driver License

JOHNNY: Great, I’ll notarize you.

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Hey! Why did you put the brakes on, I was doing just fine!

TEACHER: You forgot a few steps Johnny. Do you know what steps you forgot?

JOHNNY: Oh yeah, the journal and one other thing.

TEACHER: Mr. Higglesby forgot to sign the document.

JOHNNY: Oh yeah… Ooops. Okay, please sign here, and then sign my journal.

***** Mr. Higglesby signs in both places.

JOHNNY: Okay, NOW I can notarize you!

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Again? But, I did everything right?

TEACHER: You’re going to get a ticket if you keep going on like this young man. You forgot to check the signature on the ID to see if it matches the one on the document and in the journal. Make sure he is not an imposter who is forging the signature — it happens.

JOHNNY: Oh, I didn’t think of that. I guess that’s why the world needs good Notaries, right? That’s what you are supposed to say. Never mind. Okay… the signatures match, and the photo looks like the guy — balding a little more. Let me thumbprint him just to be safe. I have my NNA inkless thumbprinter. I never understood how you can have flourless cake and inkless thumbprinters, it just doesn’t add up.

TEACHER: Now Daniel-san, or grasshopper, or whatever your name is — now, you are ready to go out into the world. Just do the cross outs for the he/she/they, sign and stamp the Acknowledgment form and we’re out of here!

JOHNNY: Done! Can I notarize fast now?

TEACHER: By the way. That chair you are sitting on? It comes with invisible air bags, just in case you notarize a fraud. Let’s do a few more trial runs with a few snags to get you in shape before we notarize fast. I don’t want you to get pulled over!

Share
>

May 26, 2017

123 Notary prisoners released from Guantanamo Bay

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 9:29 am

The original tweet from Donald Trump was:

“122 vicious Notary prisoners at Gitmo released by the Obama administration. They have returned to sign again. Just another terrible decision.”

I changed 122 to 123, and anyway the above was not a real tweet, but based on a real tweet which was:
“122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama Administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!”

Honestly, a tweet about a prisoner release from Guantanamo Bay should feature a release of 140 characters, not 123. But, then maybe 17 were bored to death (since they were Notaries) or water bored(ed) to death.

We learned from our sources (which were probably fake news) that the Notaries were subjected to cruel and unusual punishment including torture. One Notary claimed they were water boarded until they would backdate a signature. But, the water smeared the ink, so the notarization was voided anyway.

Another Notary went on a hunger strike until he could see Juana La Cubana who is in her nineties, but still alive and well in Cuba.

The others were Haitian refugees posing as Notaries who were detained there.

Notaries were routinely coerced into signing documents — and Acknowledgments were not the only thing they executed over there.

Now the Notaries are free and on the loose returning to the signing field. Some were found recruiting for ISIgnS speading extremist Notary propaganda. Others were found in Syria cutting off people’s middle initials from stolen passports. There were many forced Notarized conversions to Notary-ism. Anyone who disagrees with their radical interpretation of Notary Law would be forced to expire whether their commission had or had not.

In any case, how do you notarize people from Syria when most of their identification is known to be forged or stolen?

Share
>

May 19, 2017

Notary Hip Hop Song: Down With Venuetta Stampella

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:48 pm

This is a story ’bout a Notary named Sealmore
A brotha trying to make a living doing this Notary gig
He thought that if he passed NNA’s signing agent test
That he would make it in the industry and make it big

But what this dude didn’t get for real
Is that this stamping thing is a complicated deal
He wanted so bad to be a Notary affix-ionado
He would try anything to make his career surreal

Then he met a sista named Venuetta Stampella
The sista was fly he could not deny
She told him she would get with him if he got his act togetha
But, the brutha was in pieces and under the weatha

He couldn’t stand his failure
Did not know what to do
The sista insulted him and called him a foo
But, he wanted her bad and pursued to woo

SEALMORE: That guy you with ain’t nothing but a wimp
But, you can be my Notarial ho, and I’ll be your “beep” (censored)
VENUETTA: I ain’t gonna be your girl so forget it
Cuz your ego’s so big it’s like the good year blimp

Signer Signing, coming something finer
Do you acknowledge that you acknowledged this?
The rhymes is phat, especially on this jurat
But, there’s one species you can’t notarize even if you are a cool cat.

Now you know where this Notary gig is at.
One more thing — can I get a soul clap?

What Sealmore failed to understand is that Venuetta wasn’t interested in him. And to do well in the Notary business you need to get certified by 123notary, not some other agency, and advertize on 123notary.com.

Share
>

May 12, 2017

Indian Notaries having an arranged marriage

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:40 pm

In America, people date, get to know each other, get to know each other’s bodies, and then get married, have kids and then get divorced. The process makes sense to Americans. But, the order of steps is reversed in India. From an Indian point of view, you determine (the elders determine — not you) if the two people are suitable for each other in the long term. They look at caste, what the parents do, family values, level of education, personality, and last but not least they ask,

“May we see the girl walk? Please turn around, could you walk down the hallway once more?”

The sad truth is that what Indians call “love marriages” which is where two people fall in love and then get married — are happier the first several years; But, arranged marriages are happier in the long run. This of course depends highly on who arranged the marriage and based on what criteria.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Hello, we feel that your son Arvind would be a suitable match for our little Angeli.

MAHESH: Yes yes, I’m basically agreeing with you. After all, we are both from the Nair caste, the parents are Notaries, the children are Notaries, and when they have children, their children will be Notaries. None of us drink, smoke, or use any bad language other than uttering the word “Jurat.”

MADHAVI: Please, there are children here! Yes, I’m basically in agreement here. And our families have known each other since we were commissioned originally several decades ago it seems, so it is like we are already married in a sense.

ANGELI: Do I have any say in this? After all, it is I who will be married.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Stay out of this!

SUJATA AUNTY: May we see the girl walk? Oh, and we need to wrap up this whole marriage thing ASAP because chai will be ready in five minutes.

ANGELI: Don’t I need to sign something to get married like a marriage license or marriage agreement? Actually, I have it here on my iPhone — it is called an Affidavit of Nuptial and Matrimonial intent.

MAHESH: And we could get it notarized too! You’ll be signing your life away — literally. But, don’t worry, Arvind really brings home the bacon.

ANGELI: Please, we are Hindu and don’t eat bacon.

MADHAVI: That is just an expression. I think Angeli’s document idea is only for… well, you know. People of the same gender who want to…

ARVIND: I would like to call the marriage off because Angeli refused to like me on my Notary Facebook profile. Also, her moon is not rising in her astrological chart, and mine is — my astrologer says that will cause long term incompatibility.

MAHESH: Just as long as your Mars is in alignment, you will function together.

ARVIND: Mars is for working relationships, not for love. And we would need an acknowledged statement from the astrologer that her moon isn’t rising — or at least isn’t rising until her commission expires.

MAHESH: If you want your love to work, then love IS a working relationship.

ANGELI: Good point. So, how many minutes do we get to know each other before I take my Oath of Office as secretary of the interior and chief minister of chapatis?

SUJATA AUNTY: First of all — let’s leave LOVE out of this; And let us older folks handle this. We have been through more life than you have and know more about what can go right and wrong in a relationship. If you want your love to work, there needs to be a basic foundation of compatibility and similarity. So, Arvind, what types of Notarizations have you done?

ARVIND: Mostly Power of Attorney and banking documents. I did corporate documents for many MNC (nulti-national corporation) and BPO (business process outsourcing) for an NRI (non-resident Indian) from USA. A few loans and construction documents. Someone was building an ashram and the guru needed a loan.

SUJATA AUNTY: Oh, good good. That is very good. Since I’m Indian, I understand all of your acronyms. But, I heard that some of those banking documents were part of an outsourced package from America. Trump will put an end to this work coming to India.

MADHAVI AUNTY: You are right! Decreased work load for the next four years? The marriage is off!

ARVIND: But, we have known each other for a whole 10 minutes. I feel like we are married already! And my father is a millionaire, so we’ll be financially set in any case.

MADHAVI AUNTY: Oh. In that case, we’ll check bank records in the morning and sign the papers after chai.

ALL: It’s a deal

MAHESH: We’ll need notarized copies of the bank records too. What Notary procedure do we use in that case? Certified copy by document custodian or a Jurat where we swear to the authenticity of the copies?

SUJATA AUNTY: They are both the same thing under a different label. Both are just Jurats with sworn Oaths.

ANGELI: It’s my marriage after all which according to Bombay Notary law would be a joint marital commission. Once again, do I have any say in this matter?

ALL: No!!!!!

You might also like:

Notary Indian tandoori restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16497

The Notary Dating Show
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

Foreign Intrigue
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17107

Share
>
Older Posts »