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August 14, 2021

Being a notary vs. waiting on table

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:00 am

When I have new notaries on board, I normally give them a welcome call. I asked one guy what his professional background was. He told me he was a Notary for a month. I told him that a month doesn’t constitute a professional background, but that a 20 year teaching background would. Then he said that he was a Real Estate intern for half a year. Finally, I asked him, “Are you young?” I forget that young people don’t have a professional background or necessarily know what one is. But, if they keep having a boring and dull life going into the office, they will attain one in 10 short years. But, what about being a waiter?

WAITER: Welcome to Mel’s Diner, can we interest you in a drink?

CUSTOMER: I’ll have the jackhammer.

WAITER: Can I see some ID?

CUSTOMER: I’ll sign the journal, but I won’t thumbprint.

WAITER: Hmmm. So, what’s your sign?

CUSTOMER: I’m a Leo.

WAITER: So, you were born, July 28th, 1997.

CUSTOMER: You are trying to trick me. I was born the 29th.

WAITER: I wasn’t trying to trick you. I have bad eyesight. And I don’t use a journal because my state doesn’t require waiters to use a journal.

NOTARY: You sound like a Notary in one of those states that doesn’t require journals. But, when you get busted by the FBI and the journal is your only evidence that you weren’t involved in a serious act of fraud, you could get put in jail or end up in court forever.

WAITER: Good point. What if someone orders an illegal drink with a fake ID, I don’t keep a record of it, and he gets in his car, runs someone over, and I get blamed. That “journal of official waitorial acts” could be my only defense.

CUSTOMER: I never thought of that. You know, you CAN thumbprint me. I even brought my NNA thumbprinter.

NOTARY: Are you a Notary too?

CUSTOMER: Not yet, but I’m going to become one, and I’m learning something right here about being a Notary. It can be a dangerous job if something goes wrong.

NOTARY: It’s like driving. It’s safe 99.9% of the time, and then something unusual happens and then only your seatbelt can help.

WAITER: Many people don’t like precautions unless they sound like Covid-19 precautions — then they like endless restrictions and precautions.

CUSTOMER: If I were running this joint I would say — you can have that jackhammer, BUT ONLY if you sign this journal. But, you can’t sign the journal unless you wash your hands three times and say hail Mary, and then walk around in a circle counter clockwise, use a sanitized pen, and then sign it wearing an N-95 facemask.

NOTARY: How about sound effects. If someone orders a jackhammer, shouldn’t that come with sound effects. Maybe get some sampling?

WAITER: How about this? “Chu chuh chuh chuh chuh…… HEY SULLY, we’re that pipe you brought ovuh? chuh chuh chuh chuh …. WHAT? I CAN”T HEAR YOU. I got my ear plugs on.”

CUSTOMER: Wow, that changed the whole customer experience in an even better way than those meaningless restrictions.

WAITER: Sully says he likes the part about the hail Mary as you go around three times.

NOTARY: Is Sully a real person?

WAITER: He’s real to me! So, let me guess. Would you like to try a virgin Notarita?

NOTARY: Sounds great, but the drink sounds underaged. I don’t want to get in trouble.

CUSTOMER: It’s okay, the drink has been aged 21 years. We just need to make sure that you are of proper age and sound of mind.

NOTARY: Here’s my ID. Wow, this is like life in reverse.

WAITER: So you could notarize that drink because it’s old enough.

NOTARY: It’s age is passing, but it doesn’t have an ID.

WAITER: But, it does have a signature — in fact it’s our signature drink.

NOTARY: In that case, that makes it okay. So, honestly, are all of your clients as interesting as us?

WAITER: Some are a lot more interesting. But, it’s hit and miss, especially the ones who forgot their ID.

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July 18, 2021

More on a bar only for “cool” notaries!!!

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:09 am

My short blog about a bar only for cool Notaries took off. The comments were great, and people really liked it. It really needed to be longer, but I didn’t realize it would be so popular. I’m just wondering what would people talk about at a Notary bar?

NOTARY: I’ll have a Manhattan… put “New York” County in the venue though. Manhattan is not a legal name for a county.

JEREMY: Just for my records, do you do other counties too?

NOTARY: Call me back during business hours. Can’t you see I’m having a drink, or trying to?

BARTENDER: Can I see some ID?

NOTARY: I ID you, you don’t ID me…. I’m the Notary. Besides, look at this gray hair and arthritis… Okay, he’s giving me the look. Here is my ID.

JEFF: Hey baby, is that a stamp in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

MAY: I’m supposed to say that dummy. You’re so dumb I bet you work exclusively for signing companies who low-ball you.

JEFF: Hey hey hey, that was a low blow. We all have needs. Would you like to sign my journal where all the other hot ladies have?

MAY: I thought I was the only one! Hey, I ordered a Reverse Mortgage on the rocks, and I need it yesterday — so backdate it!

BOUNCER: Sorry, maam, but I need to hook you up to the coolometer to see if you are cool enough to hang out here.

MAY: I’m too intoxicated to drive, so I’m in big trouble if I don’t pass.

JEFF: Better hook me up to the laughometer, this chick is funny!

JEREMY: Hey bartender, if Jim Beam wants to be notarized as Jim W Beam, but his ID says Jim Beam, can you notarize him under the circumstances?

BARTENDER: If he’s over 21, I’ll notarize him. I had John Hancock come in here, and guess what he did.

JEREMY: I don’t know… did he sign something?

MAY: John Hancock ate something that didn’t agree with him, but said not to worry, because — he said — he had a good CONSTITUTION!

BOUNCER: I would like to declare my independence. All of you are cool tonight. I’ll see who is coming at the door.

BARTENDER: How come “Margarita” doesn’t have a last name? How do you notarize someone with just one name.

JEFF: Hmmm, I had a guy named Fink once in a bad neighborhood. Real story. That was his first and only name. No surname. Bizarre. Not a wealthy person just for the record.

JEREMY: I’ll have a Black Russian

MAY: Don’t you mean an “African American Russian?”

JEREMY: Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh hell Nyet…. helllll nyet!!!

JEFF: Okay, dos-vidanya… actually it is late so tres or cuatro-vidanya baby!

BARTENDER: How did Mary get bloody? Was it one of those dangerous notarizations?

MAY: Maybe it was that time of the month.

JEREMY: Yeah, the notary business really picks up at that time of the month.

JEFF: Not that time of the month. It’s a different — that time of the month.

JEREMY: Yes, but if you call notaries about their listing at that busy time of the month they get cranky.

MAY: Oh, so now we can get cranky at two times of the month. Being a woman just isn’t what it used to be.

BARTENDER: Since this is a Notary bar, did you know there is a wine called Notary Public from California’s mid coast region.

JEREMY: I knew that — I’ve had it many times. Great wine, a little pricy though.

MAY: I hope they didn’t charge more than the state maximum per signature.

JEREMY: They charged $20 per signature — I mean per glass. Ouch. But, when I had it, I started going into that zone — like a haze, like after you have some French wine, life is like a dream.

MAY: And you started dreaming about notarizing sexy girls on the banks of the Rhone?

JEREMY: Actually, after a glass of Bordeaux at a local spot I started fantasizing about being in the rolling hills of Bordeaux. That thought came to my head as I gazed into the distance in a relaxed state. Ah, the joys of wine. And it all happened at my favorite place in Los Angeles — Farmer’s market.

JEFF: Before I go, does the Farmer’s daughter hang out there?

JEREMY: Yes, but she is not old enough to get notarized…

BARTENDER: And not old enough to do a whole lot of other things too I bet.

MAY: You have to be 18 before your signature is legally binding, and 21 before your drink at a bar is legally binding. That’s one thing you won’t want to backdate!

BARTENDER: I once went out with a chick on a backdate. It was fun, we did everything in reverse.

JEFF: Oh, so you like it in reverse.

BOUNCER: You have a good sense of humor, I’d like to hook you up to the “coolometer” just to get a reading….. oh…. 7, not bad. Better than Jeremy. He only got a 6 which is still passable.

MAY: So, who got a 10 for coolness.

BOUNCER: A guy in New York. But, he never shows up. He’s studying four different languages and has a million different interests. I wish he would come her. I wish for that matter I could bounce people in as well as bounce them out.

JEREMY: Now there’s a thought. What about taking a course on how to raise our coolness level so we’ll be prepared when you hook us up to the coolometer.

BOUNCER: Didn’t you write an article on Bad Boy Notaries? Just read that article again and again — I think that will raise you at least a point right there.

JEFF: Okay, this time I’m really going…. and as always — stay cool and… don’t drink and sign!!!

You might also like:

A bar only for “cool” Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

Are you a bad boy Notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

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June 24, 2021

Seinfeld and social distancing

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:29 am

I’m not sure what Jerry Seinfeld would say about social distancing, but I will try to tune into his consciousness and figure it out.

JERRY: What’s the deal with social distancing?

GEORGE: Well, for one thing you can’t do stand up any more?

JERRY: Well that would defeat the whole purpose of Covid-19.

GEORGE: I fail to see the logic here.

JERRY: The jokes! Imagine all the joke material I could get out of this disease. I want to milk it for what it’s worth.

GEORGE: Milk it!!! Yeah! Don’t you feel guilty taking advantage of a very sensitive situation when there are so many vulnerable (hurt tone of voice.)

JERRY: No… I really don’t. It’s not my job to be responsible for other people’s health. Just as long as I don’t cough on them… I feel I’m off the hook.

KRAMER: Oh, you’re on the hook Jerry. You are so on the hook.

JERRY: Hey Kramer, have you noticed that you are five feet and nine inches from me?

KRAMER: Why, is that a problem?

JERRY: Yeah, it kind of is. Could you over three inches further?

KRAMER: Sure. Better? Wow!!! I feel so much better. I had no idea that would feel that good. Let me do it again. Move in 3 inches, move back 3 inches. Wow!! I’m being safe! I feel safety tingling all the way down my body.

GEORGE: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts. I felt safe once… yesterday. The feeling went away fast. The thought of my unpaid bills caught up to me. Maybe dying of Covid would be nice. I wouldn’t have to worry about my bills anymore. I’d just cough my way to heaven.

JERRY: I think I kind of like social distancing. I don’t wanna be around most people anyway… Nah… Most people are annoying.

KRAMER: Not Clara. There’s nothing annoying about her. I’m seeing her tonight. Yeah! We’re going to have a Covid date!

JERRY: Oh. So, if it gets hot and heavy are you going to use protection?

KRAMER: Of course, I brought extra face masks, one for her and one for him. To me this is like sex karma. Usually it is the man who has the burden of wearing the protection, but now it’s both of us. Yeah!

GEORGE: For once the universe has evened itself out. I feel a deep sense of relief.

JERRY: You know something Kramer. When you backed up 3 inches… I didn’t feel anything. If you were twenty feet away that would make me feel safe, but not six feet. It’s an imaginary number.

GEORGE: Imaginary? No, it’s backed by science.

JERRY: Kind of, but someone just arbitrarily picked the six foot rule.

GEORGE: It’s kind of like my rule, the 3 second rule.

JERRY: Yeah yea yeah, do we have to go back to that one, you embarrassed me so bad when you went through the trash at that party. I can’t even look at Elsie any more after that. But, on the other hand with social distancing I can’t anyway.

GEORGE: Very true, very true. But, my rule is completely arbitrary too. You have to draw the line somewhere.

JERRY: Oh God. Draw the line, I’d like to draw your line. You don’t go in the trash period. It doesn’t matter how many seconds.

GEORGE: Well then maybe you should go next to people either. Maybe your principle cross-applies. Maybe we should meet everyone on Zoom.

JERRY: Now that is where I draw the line. I don’t zoom.

ELAINE: Not even if someone is Zoom-worthy?

JERRY: Nobody is Zoom-worthy. Hey, I gotta go.

GEORGE: So, any verdict on the whole social distancing thing?

JERRY: I’m comfortable with ten feet. Also arbitrary, but that number just sits well with me. Ten. Just speak up a bit. What? Just kidding. Gotta go.

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June 16, 2021

A satirical discussion of RON (remote online notary)

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:57 pm

JERRY: Hey, how’d you like to become a remote online notary?

GEORGE: I’m not even remotely interested.

JERRY: Hmm, sounds like you’re not a good candidate.

GEORGE: Well what’s involved.

JERRY: Well for one, I’m going out on a limb here, but I would assume that you would need to be remote.

GEORGE: You mean I would have to go to Wyoming? I’ve always dreamed of going to Yellowstone, but living there?

JERRY: AND, you’d probably have to be online.

GEORGE: Oh, no, I’m right here — nothing virtual about me. I’m the real deal. You can touch my arm… No really.

JERRY: I think I’ll pass. But, if you got in trouble as an ONLINE NOTARY, your career would really be ON THE LINE.

GEORGE: I like that. That was a classy line.Or maybe if you got in trouble, you would be OFF THE LINE, kind of like laundry that’s in trouble. Offline. Right?

JERRY: Maybe. And the third qualification is that you have to be a Notary.

GEORGE: What is a Notary. I don’t think I’ve ever met one.

JERRY: Oh you’ve met one.. more than one. Elaine used to be a Notary. She never talked about it much.

GEORGE: GET OUT!!! (pushes Jerry) You know, let me get a sense of how this notary thing works. I’m going to look it up on my iPhone… huh… ohhh…. Online Notary and more… This is going to be good. I’ll call them right now.

SALLY: Online Notary and more, this is Sally. What are you wearing?

GEORGE: What do you mean what am I wearing. This is an online Notary service, right?

SALLY: I’m wearing something really short with black nylons. I’m sliding my online seal slowly up my leg.

GEORGE: Just out of curiosity is that a physical leg or a virtual leg?

SALLY: Oh, it’s real baby. Now, I’m slowly sliding off my left nylon.

GEORGE: Your left or my right.

SALLY: It’s mine, not yours. Okay, let’s get to business. How do you want it?

GEORGE: I want an online notarization.

SALLY: You will need an online ID and an online document. Do you have both of these?

GEORGE: Umm. (pause) No.

SALLY: You’ll need online payment too.

JERRY: I think you’re unprepared. Better see what is going on by visiting one of those online Notary portals. Maybe they will explain the process. Let me have the phone. Sally, it was nice. George isn’t ready for this yet.

SALLY: Maybe when he’s a little older, at least in cyber maturity.

GEORGE: Once again, thanks for the vote of confidence. But, I learned something today. I am an in person type of guy. Yup. That’s what I am . I know what I am and I’m proud of it!

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June 8, 2021

Julius Caesar Notary Public

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:27 am

I don’t think that Julius Caesar was a Notary, but they had Notaries in Rome, and Rome is one of the ancestors of American civilization along with Greece, Israel, Sumeria, France, and England. It is interesting to know that our culture derives originally from Iraq. I wonder what Saddam would have to say about that. They invented the clock with 12 hours and 60 minutes, etc. This silly story is about the American version of Julius Caesar and I got the story as close to the real story as it can possibly be in modern America if you over look the fact that Americans normally drink champagne in hot tubs and not sangria… details.

Julius started his career in escrow in Missouri. Things were good until he went on vacation to the Caribbean and got kidnapped by pirates. He escaped by the grace of God after having a seizure, and then bought a slave who was an expert in Greek philosophy to teach his beloved daughter. He brought the slave back to Rome, Missouri where he lived in this fictional blog article. Think of this as a modern day Julius… you know… with the straight cut bangs… not really my style, but it works for him.

He continued his career while his slave educated his daughter in the classics, and then a terrible tragedy happened. His wife died, and he was devastated.

Disclaimer to the Black Lives Matter movement… The slave was a white guy who looked Greek and thought Greek. So, that makes it okay… I guess…

Meanwhile in Julius’ home town of Rome, Missouri, the mayor made some law changes that allowed him to kill anyone who he claimed was a threat to him. Since Julius was honest and said he would kill the mayor on a whim, the mayor let him live. Then the mayor made his collegue Pompey kill someone else otherwise he would have someone kill Pompey. The citizens of the town had had it, and Pompey poisoned the mayor, and the mayor died in a hot tub. What a scandal. But, on a brighter note, there were no prostitutes involved, so that makes it less bad.

Julius was so stressed out by the situation, he had a seizure. Maybe we should call him Julius Seizure since he had seizures, not Caesars. On the other hand, the Caesar salad works for many people, so perhaps we should leave the name as is.

After that, Julius decided to become a Notary and do some conquering. He conquered the business from all Escrow companies in towns with French names in the midwest. Since that area used to belong to France, there were plenty. He spent eight years conquering what he called France or Gaul, and developed a business so huge, he had to hire many to help him. He spent most of his time away from home wooing more new clients and rarely returned home.

Finally after conquering the Gauls in the French named towns, Julius returned to his home town only to find that Pompey and his colleagues wanted to kill him due to a disagreement about some local political decision they were lobbying local government about. Julius hired a bodyguard, and later learned that Pompey had been killed at an Egyptian restaurant several hours Southeast of their town — that was famous for lamb kabobs and belly dancing. Julius went to the Egyptian restaurant and inspected the severed head of his rival that the Pharaoh kept for him in a basket. He then returned to his hometown.

His new wife had a terrible dream that the windows came open, lots of wind came in, and that she found his body covered in blood in the bed. Julius disregarded the dream. Then a wise elder said, “Beware of the Ides of March.” Julius went to town hall to take part in a political discussion. The friends of the late Pompey were there and stabbed him to death.

After the stabbing, someone mentioned to the old man, “The Ides of March have already come.” The old man said, “Yes, but they haven’t left yet.”

So, this is the Notary version of the story of Julius Caesar. My parting words are —

“He who lives by the seal, dies by the seal.” and
“All roads lead to Rome, MO” (yes, it exists, but few roads actually lead there)
“When in Roam (on your cell phone coverage) do as the Roamers do!”
“A great Notary business isn’t built in a day, but if you work on your notes section, at least you are giving yourself a chance.”

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May 28, 2021

A clown becomes a signing agent

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:34 am

The clown business gets slow because of Covid-19 (which is no joke) and a clown desperate for business joins 123notary. He starts getting jobs right away because his notes section is so unique with comical references and cute jokes. He goes on his first signing.

CLOWN: I’m Larry and I’m here to do your signing.

SIGNER: Oh, wonderful. Please come in Larry. Love the face paint. I think this clowning around Notary service will really take off.

CLOWN: Before we handle the Deed of Trust, I’m going to juggle the borrower copies, the main copies, and this plastic cup. This is way more entertaining than your last signer I bet.

SIGNER: Yeah. I read the reviews. “This guy is a clown!” and “He’s good at juggling appointments.” So far you didn’t botch any signings it looks like.

CLOWN: Yes, but the scheduling is hectic. Last week was like a circus going to all of my appointments. It will get worse if the interest rate becomes negative. They will pay you to borrow money.

SIGNER: Interesting. Hey look, I have my own rubber Notary stamp…. Ooops, it squirted you.

CLOWN: Hey, aren’t I supposed to do that? On the other hand, maybe that’s why you picked me. In any case, my slogan is — when it comes to getting your signing done on time, and correctly the first time — we don’t clown around.

SIGNER: I like that tiny car you have outside. How do you fit in it?

CLOWN: Oh, I fit with ten other family members. We run around the car three times before getting in. Half of my sister hangs out the window, but it’s all good. Okay, now let’s get serious… please disregard my red nose when trying to be serious. Let me clear my throat… Um-hmmm. Now, I’m serious… (honk honk). We’ll begin with the Deed of Trust, and then we have the Note. Make sure the property address is correct otherwise you might be paying for someone else your whole life.

SIGNER: Okay…

(20 minutes later)

SIGNER: We finished the package!

CLOWN: Now, since you have high ceilings, we went over that by phone, I am going to walk around the signing table on stilts…

SIGNER: Well done. BTW, Fedex is around the corner and their open until 11pm even during Covid.

CLOWN: Super. And last, but not least, a signing with me is never complete unless the signer gets a pie in the face!!!

SIGNER: Excuse me….. too late. I’ll write a review with a photo warning your other clients of what to expect from you.

CLOWN: Most of my clients are bored with their life and this is exactly what they need. Besides, you didn’t have dessert yet tonight, right?

SIGNER: And I am behind on doing the laundry, now I have one more reason to get it done and fast, not to mention take a shower.

THE WIFE: Ha ha ha… He deserves that pie. He has no sense of humor about anything. Thanks Mr. Clown Notary. Let me double check your work to make sure you didn’t clown around notarizing documents…. nope… it’s all good. I use to be a Notary myself, but not the type of Notary you are.

CLOWN: Thanks for everything. I’ll drop the package right away.

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May 26, 2021

A therapist becomes a signing agent

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:33 am

Jeff the therapist gets tired of dealing with insurance companies, secretaries, and the daily hassle of being a psychotherapist and longs to become a Mobile Notary. However, he seems to have trouble transitioning into his new life.

JEFF: He, my name is Jeff Winkler and I am here to facilitate the signing of your refinance. Do you have any prior medical conditions I should know about?

SIGNER: No

JEFF: Are you on any medications that could complicate our signing?

SIGNER: Ummm. Lipitor

JEFF: Oh, is your cholesterol high?

SIGNER: No, because I take Lipitor. If I didn’t take Lipitor, then my cholesterol would be high.

JEFF: I understand. Do you ever hear voices?

SIGNER: I think we all hear voices. My wife is the only big voice that I hear.

THE WIFE: I heard that!

JEFF: Great, well here is the package. Can we sit at the dining room table?

SIGNER: Fine

JEFF: Will your insurance be covering the signing?

SIGNER: I think the Notary fees is listed on the TRID or the Settlement Statement. It’s $200 and out of that I’m sure they pay you at least $35.

JEFF: Yup, sounds like your insurance company covered it and is giving the service provider their usual 20% or so for doing 99% of the work. Let’s see…. Now, here is your rate and on this other document your APR. The APR is higher than the rate, how does that make you feel?

SIGNER: It’s supposed to be higher because it incorporates fees and closing costs into the percentage plus it’s compounded.

JEFF: Aren’t I supposed to explain that to you? Maybe you should be the signing agent.

SIGNER: Does that bother you?

JEFF: No, but it perplexes me. Perhaps you have been through this several times and know the drill. I’m still fresh out of medical school with Loan Signing Systems. I just got a degree in signing from them. Was your mother also a borrower?

SIGNER: We had a loan under my father’s name as a child.

JEFF: How did that make you feel?

SIGNER: I think that is pretty standard. I was not aware of my parents’ financial arrangements.

JEFF: So you had no feelings about that. Uh-huh. I’m taking notes. Do you feel comfortable signing the entire package?

SIGNER: I’m already 90% done.

JEFF: Yes, and on this document here, you need to sign with your middle initial.

SIGNER: Yes, I will… By the way… How does that make you feel?

JEFF: I feel a sense of completeness when you use that middle initial. Something I never felt as a child.

SIGNER: I’m afraid our time is up.

JEFF: Hey! I’m supposed to say that. You’ve taken over my job as a Signing Agent AND as a therapist.

SIGNER: How does that make you feel?

JEFF: It makes my life easier and it provides comic relief?

SIGNER: Great, next time you can lie on the couch during our session. I’m doing a construction loan and I’ll request you. I run a few businesses and we are always doing signings.

JEFF: Oh, perfect. Here’s my card. I also do Weddings and Bar-Mitzvahs

SIGNER: Mazel-Tov. See you next time. There’s a Fedex station around the corner on Wilshire. It’s open late.

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May 24, 2021

Notary Pit Stop

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 1:39 am

Let’s imagine that a very important person would need to get their Notary work done in a hurry. I have notarized for directors, company presidents and other busy people. They have time to come in the room, sign and leave. They normally don’t even give you time to look at the identification. So here is my idea.

Two Notaries work as a tag team notarization outfit. They visit the VIP’s office.

Notary #1 looks at the ID and inscribes the necessary information in the journal.
Notary #2 fills out the certificates, staples them to the forms. Then,
Notary #1 gets the VIP to sign the journal.
Notary #2 gets the VIP to sign the document.
Notary #1 hands the ID to
Notary #2 to verify that the signature on the ID matches the signature on the document. Notary #2 returns the ID to the signer and then
Notary #1 stamps the document’s certificate

Questions:
Q.Why doesn’t Notary #2 stamp the actual certificate?
A. Because they are using Notary #1’s journal

Q. Why doesn’t Notary #1 throw a chair at Notary #1?
A. Because they are on the same team

Q. Why doesn’t Notary #2 throw a chair at the signer?
A. Because the signer is paying them

Q. Do they have pit stop outfits or tag team wrestling outfits?
A. Probably not, but they could if that was their theme.

Q. Does the signer have to wear a helmet?
A. That’s probably a bad idea.

Q. Who collects the money?
A. Notary #2 because Notary #1 is too busy stamping

Q. Can you bring sound effects of a real Indy 500 race?
A. That would definitely add to the experience.

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May 20, 2021

Flight Attendant & Notary

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 1:30 am

JESSIE: Hi, my name is Jessie, and I will be your flight attendant Notary for the evening.

SIGNER: Welcome Jessie. Please have a seat.

JESSIE: Tonight we will be flying to St. Louis International for a refinance. The captain will be getting ready for take off in about ten minutes.

SIGNER: But, aren’t we already in St. Louis?

JESSIE: If you want to get technical. We are going to stay in the city, but have a Notarial flight, so to speak.

SIGNER: And how long will the flight last?

JESSIE: 30 years with no prepayment penalty.

SIGNER: Do you have enough peanuts to last 30 years?

JESSIE: Well, the part of the flight where we will be up in the air will only last about 45 minutes. The emergency exits are to the left there where the front door is and there is another emergency exit through the back… I think… I mean is there one? Uh huh? I’ll take that for a yes. In the case of an emergency, I brought oxygen masks. The captain has turned off the “no signing” sign, so you are free to sign around the cabin, or the dining room table as the case may be.

SIGNER: Okay, so where do we start?

JESSIE: First of all I need to see your boarding pass and your ID.

SIGNER: Here it is, not sure what you mean by a boarding pass. And please sign my flight journal so that we know what date and time we took off and what we were signing.

JESSIE: In the unlikely event that we experience turbulence, you can press the “call the Lender” button to the left, and he will explain everything. I am a signing agent and can only answer very general questions, and not specific questions about the terms of your loan.

SIGNER: I need to use the bathroom. Am I free to move about the cabin?

JESSIE: Yes, the captain has turned off the wear seatbelt sign, so you may take off your seatbelt now and visit the latrine.

SIGNER: And where is the bathroom again?

JESSIE: Umm, I’m not sure, isn’t this your house?

SIGNER: I just wanted you to move your hands around like we were on a real flight. Oh, I’m getting altitude sickness.

JESSIE: Just don’t have an upheaval on the documents, unless its the borrower copies.

SIGNER: I just said that to see if you brought one of those little bags.

JESSIE: My bag was full, I brought seatbelts, oxygen, those little bags, mini bags of peanuts and almonds, and the mini-sized Coca Colas. Even Uber doesn’t offer all of that.

SIGNER: My APR seems to have experienced an increase in altitude, is that because it includes fees and certain closing costs?

JESSIE: Yes. Oh, and you previously requested a window seat, well one just opened up.

SIGNER: Okay, I’m done signing everything.

JESSIE: Super. Please put your seatbelt on, and now it is time for a smooth picture book landing. The weather in St. Louis is stormy, it’s raining harder than a cow peeing on a rock. Oh, I think I only use that one in Texas. What type of sayings do you have here in St. Louis?

SIGNER: We stick to Mark Twain references.

JESSIE: Okay, we have landed. The captain has turned off the seat belts required sign. You are free to exit the air bus.

SIGNER: Thanks, but I think you are the one who will be exiting.

JESSIE: Good point. Sometimes I get confused.

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May 18, 2021

Notary Motivational Speaker

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:32 am

There are a few people in particular Notary agencies who do a certain degree of motivational speaking for Notaries. Normally they do this for the purpose of sales, or in my case to get you to study harder and write more in your notes sections. But, what if there were someone who specialized in Notarial motivational speaking? What would his name be? How about Chad Robbins, and we can pretend he is a distant cousin of my favorite motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

Chad never did well in school, or anything else he tried. He was failing in life. The only thing he had in his favor was that he was motivated, and could get other people motivated. He was at a job interview, and there were twelve others in the waiting room. He got them all pumped up for the interview, so that one of them got the job, but he did not. He couldn’t figure out what to do with his life. Years went by doing dead end jobs. He languished in despair, contemplated suicide, and moped around. Finally, out of the blue, someone came to him and said, “Why don’t you become a motivational speaker for Notaries?” He said, “Great, but what’s a Notary?” So, he took the 123notary certification course after becoming a Notary and signed up on 123notary.com — at least in the story he did. He learned from Jeremy how to motivate Notaries to greatness and decided to work with that and expand upon it. He became the greatest Notary motivational speaker ever.

CHAD: Working on that notes section will reward you for the rest of your career.

NOTARY: I know, I know, I know.

CHAD: What are you doing that is more important than creating that benefit for yourself which will probably translate into tens of thousands in extra revenue over the next ten years.

NOTARY: I have to clean the house and I have an assignment tomorrow.

CHAD: Will the assignment pay you $10,000?

NOTARY: No, of course not. They don’t pay enough. I’m only getting $60 if they pay me.

CHAD: If I had $1000 in my right hand that you could have if you wrote a good notes section and $20 in my left hand that I would just give you now, which would you take.

NOTARY: That’s easy, the $20 in the left hand so I would have time to do my crummy $60 signing tomorrow.

CHAD: You are a difficult case. It only takes a few hours of reading and modifying your notes to have a listing that stands out. If you don’t, you might get ignored and not even be able to survive in the Notary business.

NOTARY: Motivating with fear. Okay, you win. I’ll postpone the laundry, but if I get another $60 signing, I’ll take it before I complete my notes so that I have something to whine about.

CHAD: Good. Read the “Your notes section” category in the 123notary blog for tips and take notes. With your experience of 500 loans signed you will have something to talk about for sure.

——– (end of scene)

CHAD: Linda, you are a new Notary, but you have no certifications. How will you stand out with potential clients?

LINDA: Oh, I’m certified by the State of New Hampshire.

CHAD: That’s not a certification, that is a commission. Getting a loan signing certification from one or more of the three best programs will help attract serious clients. It takes some work, but that work is what is going to jump start your career.

LINDA: I don’t have time. I have a $40 signing tomorrow. They are ripping me off.

CHAD: With no certifications and no experience you are lucky that people are even giving you a chance. The time you invest in Notary education will come back to you for the rest of your career. It only takes an hour per day for a month or two and you can be solid in your knowledge. That normally translates into an average increase of revenue per signing and also a lot more signings.

LINDA: I’ll wait until I’m really bored and then I’ll think about it.

CHAD: Older Notaries who don’t have credentials get used because of name recognition. They have been in the game for years. But, newer Notaries have no credibility at all. Let’s look at the search results on 123notary. Look, see Susie, she has four certifications as a signing agent, is a member of five Notary organizations, wrote a very comprehensive and well organized notes section and has a registered company name. Look at her, and then look at your notes section with your one liner that says, “Hi, my name is Linda. I am a Notary. I will travel. Call me first.” Why would anyone call you, when Suzie looks ten times as good as you.

LINDA: Oh my God, I never saw it that way. You win. I’ll buy the LLS, Notary2Pro and 123notary certifications and start studying. I will not be outdone by another woman!

CHAD: And remember — you need to be PASSIONATE about whatever you are doing. Live with ENTHUSIASM (raises fist in the air.)

LINDA: With me it’s not about passion. It’s about one-up-man-ship. I can’t stand the idea that someone else looks better than me. I’ll outdress her too. You’ll see. What does she wear?

CHAD: It says business casual.

LINDA: Well then I’ll wear fancier business casual or business formal. She will have something to worry about now.

CHAD: I’m not sure what I did. But, I hit the right button by mistake. Motivational speaking is all about pressing people’s emotional buttons. Greed, fear, revenge, passion, one-up-woman-ship, desire, vision, etc. Some people are more noble in their aspirations while others are more jealous, but I’ll get results any way I can.

BOTTOM LINE
If you write a thorough notes section on your listing, ask for help from Jeremy proofreading it, and get a few certifications, you will look really good to the clients. Get a few reviews as well from clients even if they found you somewhere else. The time you invest in bettering your listing could be worth more than $1000 per hour in long term benefits because you might keep your listing for ten years and reap the benefits every day for those ten years which can add up.

It is worth it to sacrifice less critical short term things you want to do for long term goals of studying, and refining your marketing presence. It doesn’t take that much time. If you compare it to the time you invested in high school or college, this is nothing, but the payback is often huge.

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