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January 26, 2018

The new acknowledgment form for transgender people

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:28 am

With all of this politically correct nonsense going on, there will soon be an official change to Notary paperwork so that the LGBT community’s needs will be represented. The current form (I made this up) says:

On (date), before me (name of notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument, and acknowledged to me that he/she/they executed the same in their his/her/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

But, as of January 1st, 2019, the new form will read.

On (date), before me (name of Notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument and acknowledged to me that

(he/she/he who used to be a she/she who used to be a he/he who dresses like a she/she who dresses like a he/T/they)
executed the same in his/her/it’s complicated/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/unclear/it’s/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

Additional information
The signer’s “assigned” gender is male/female
The signer’s “current” gender is male/female/ambiguous/depends on how long the line is to the bathroom
The gender indicated on the identifcation is male/female
The sex change or change in dress happed before/after when the ID was issued.

On a brighter note, I had lamb with shishito peppers. I asked the waitress if shishitos had genders. The male could be a he-shito, and the female a she-shito. She said it didn’t work like that. I told her that was for the best, because what if we got a transgender-shito? That would be confusing.


January 24, 2018

Don’t Analyze — Notarize

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:43 am

o you spend all day thinking about what the document means? It is not your job to figure it out. Just make sure the signer understands it.

Do you spend all day declining jobs for foreign language documents? Many states including California allow you to notarize in languages you do not speak. Just make sure you understand your state’s rules and follow them.

Do you fret about how much business you are getting or not getting instead of just going out there and doing something?

Do you wear the new Zen Nike sneaker whose slogan is — just don’t do it?

Do you spend too much time complaining about how little you get paid?

Do you waste hour after hour on Facebook complaining that Jeremy asked you a Notary question which you did not know the answer to? In that case, don’t analyze, just study how to notarize.

Do you worry that your journal is running out of space? Just buy a few new ones and keep them in your closet or in your notary bag for when you need them.

Do you worry that the price of gas is going up? Experts say that for the next decade, gas will be about the same price. US drilling has killed the market and is putting the Saudis out of business. One Saudi prince got so upset that business was so bad, he actually considered becoming a mobile notary — and then he came to his senses.

Most Notaries think all day long about inconsequential things. Don’t do this. Focus on learning to master your skill, and then market yourself so you can be successful. And as Native Americans say, “Don’t worry be Hopi.”


January 19, 2018

The Notary Gym

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:59 am

I made a trip to the Notary gym. It was not what I thought it would be. The most popular drink was a squid ink energy drink for Notaries.

I did a few sit ups, and push ups and then got serious.

There was a machine called the affixerciser. You pull on some ropes and then a huge caste iron stamp affixes a document on the floor of the gym. Don’t forget to wipe your sweat off the machine although I think notarizing is no sweat.

Then the embosser makes you use your feet to press down on this huge iron contraption that embosser a piece of paper.

Next you have to fill out a Jurat form with a huge pen that weighs forty pounds to develop core strength.

Then, you have to hold up a huge Notary seal — or medicine ball (why do they call them medicine balls, they are not balls and have no medicine?) as you sit on a pilates ball. Once again for core strength.

Finally, you have to run on a tread mill, but the tread mill speeds up until you create some verbal Oath wording. Then it gives you a break. Then you have to answer more and more Notary questions otherwise it will speed up to the point where you can’t breath.

After your work out there is stretching and massage. The problem is that they will stretch you until you swear (or affirm) that they are killing you.

The Notary gym is a great place to lose a few pounds and make a few friends. But, if you don’t know what you are doing, you’ll really be in affix.

BTW, if you do something wrong, they put you in Notary jail which has foam padded bars and they play dodge ball with you until you learn what you did wrong and how to notarize correctly. If only in real life we could have such a place. I bet it would be over-crowded.


January 12, 2018

Notary Jail

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:00 pm

I think that I am the first person to come up with this concept. Notary jail. Where Notaries go when they’ve been bad. But, most Notaries have been bad, they just didn’t get caught because their secretary of state’s don’t bother to enforce a single law. What is the point of having laws if you don’t enforce them?

If you forget to administer an Oath you should be sent to Notary jail and get booked. The first thing they will do is thumbprint you in their journal. Then, they will ask you if you take journal thumbprints. If you say, “My state doesn’t require that.” Then they will put you in solitary confinement. After all, an innocent person could be scammed out of everything they own and the culprit could run free simply because you didn’t take a thumbprint.

If you didn’t ID someone correctly, then a cell in the insane ward would be in order. Since you let John Smith sign as John W Smith, you will also not mind being around five people who are sure that they are Abraham Lincoln.

And then there are the people who don’t fill in certificates properly or send loose certificates in the mail. Tisk tisk. The staff at Notary jail will goof on your jail paperwork if you do that and you’ll be in for a long time.

Oh, and the food at Notary jail? Embossed flat bread sandwiches. You get that nice raised seal embossed pattern on every bite. Then they have a breakfast cereal called frosted mini-seals. Oh, and one more thing. They have soap shaped like a Notary seal. But, don’t drop the soap (or don’t drop the seal.)

And if they ask Notary questions in Notary jail, don’t talk back to the guards like you normally do to Jeremy. Just answer questions the way they were asked and you might get time off for good behavior.


January 5, 2018

Notary Journal vs. Lady Tied to Train Tracks?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:34 am

What is the difference between a Notary Journal and a lady tied to some train tracks?

The lady is bound, but not sequential…

A Journal is bound and sequential. But, what is the train doesn’t come on time? Does that mean that the lady has more time to be rescued? What if the Notary rescuing her is not on time and gets a complaint on 123notary? What if the Notary rescuing her doesn’t keep a journal because his/her state doesn’t require it?

There are so many variables here. But, ladies are only tied to train tracks in movies with 1920’s type music. We don’t listen to that type of music much unless you like Charlie Chaplin and by the way, I live a few blocks from his house which is quite elegant.

What about a lady on a train with a journal? That sounds more agreeable!

For now all I have to say is — keep a journal whether your state requires it or not. You might need it in court and it could save your life. Not having a journal in court is like being tied to train tracks.


December 22, 2017

Notarization in The Trang

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:07 am

In a previous Notary story, a Notary who was stationed in Vietnam had to go with Johnny, a hardened warrior on an undercover mission to a prisoner of war camp to do a POA for a POW. Wish them luck.

JOHNNY: “Okay, men. Now this mission is dangerous, and it will take twenty days on foot to get where we are going. Any questions?”

HARRY (The Notary): “Several things. First of all, is there a Baskin Robbins on the way and second, you behave like an ape in the morning.

JOHNNY: “I’m a Guerilla, not an ape. I learned to fight from the finest of Vietcong soldiers… before I killed them. I killed 120 soldiers in my career — most of them with my bare hands or by carving their heart out of their chest with my knife.

SIMON: “Sounds charming. Do you have any objections to just shooting someone with a semi like the rest of us?”

JOHNNY: “I have nothing against it. I would do it if I had to. I just prefer doing it with my hands. It’s amazingly theraputic.”

JURATSTITUTE: “Hi, guys. You need Notary? I do for you. $5, notarize you long time. You like.”

JOHNNY: “Maybe another time. We’re on a mission. Okay men. Now, remember, the prison camp is not called ‘The Trang’, nor is it located in De Trang which orally sounds similar to The Trang. We are going to a remote village in the hills West of Danang.”

JURATSTITUTE: “Oh, I have friend in Danang, she specialize in Affirmations. You want to look her up?”

HARRY: “I’ll do the affirmations for now. But, thanks anyway. And, I like the word The Trang. It sounds like a place where you go to the bathroom — turn out the lights if you use The Trang.. Or maybe a jungle prison camp where they torture people with bamboo slits and other gruesome methods.”

JOHNNY: “Okay, as a decorated soldier in the United States Military, I now officially pronounce that we will call the location we are going to — The Trang, even though it is not normally called that. I am agreeing with Harry even though he is an idtiot, because the name sounds cool. That way I can tell all my buddies back home what it was like to be locked up in The Trang, before I escaped and killed all the guards with my bare hands, and the help of a few poisonous snakes I found outside who were a real help.

SIMON: “I like the fact that you give snakes credit when credit is due.”

HARRY: “I think that Jeremy at 123notary.com would like to know if you acknowledge, state, swear or affirm that we will call this location The Trang?”

JOHNNY: “What difference does it make?”

SIMON: “To us, no difference, but Jeremy is a stickler for semantics and diction.”

JOHNNY: “Well, I’ve never thought of myself as anti-semantic. I love the Jewish people. Their culture is the bedrock that our society is built on. The belief in one God, rules of conduct, the ten commandments.”

SIMON: “No, not anti-semitic, anti-semantic. Never mind.”

—– (the next day) ——

JOHNNY: “Okay men. Now we are on day two of our trip. We need to set up the booby trap for the night. We don’t want anyone sneaking up on us while we sleep. Happens all the time around here.”

HARRY: “Why don’t we make them swear to an Affidavit that they won’t sneak up on us… Aren’t you being a bit like the Vietcong?”

JOHNNY: “My motto is when in Rome, do as the Romans do. I learned from the best snipers, booby trap makers, and hand to hand combaticians in the business. In fact, I don’t stop there. I meditate on the consciousness of the best Vietcong soldiers because they have 25 years of jungle war experience while Americans want to solve their problems by carpet bombing. Such a lack of commitment cannot win a war. You have to mean it. But, my whole skill set changed dramatically one year ago.”

SIMON: “What earthshaking event happened one year ago where you learned some sudden skill?”

JOHNNY: “I was reading a book about the Sioux, the Mayans and some of the other indiginous peoples who were known for their excellent war skills. Every tribe I read about said that you should either wear the skin or horns of the type of animal you want to be more like to enhance your hunting or fighting skills. However, you can also eat part of the animal. So, one day, I ate part of the brain of one of the most talented Vietcong soldiers I ever had the pleasure and honor of killing. I would have eaten more, except I’m watching my cholesterol.”

HARRY: “I’m a little worried. We are a little short of food for a twenty day journey. What are we going to do?”

JOHNNY: “We’re going to have kung pao tonight. If our booby trap yields us any results, we’ll have more meat than we can handle. Plus, I can hang the body in the trail to scare the other Vietcong. I call it — psychological warfare.”

SIMON: “I call it being psycho. But, I’ve heard that stuff really works. They have recurring nightmares because of that type of stuff.”

JOHNNY: “If you can mess up their minds enough for several weeks before battle, you gain an edge in the battle men. Now it’s time for sleep. Don’t step on any pungi sticks — they’ll cut right through you.”

HARRY: “How will I know where they are?”

JOHNNY: “They are hidden under banana leaves beneath the surface. Just step slowly and see if the ground holds you — or better yet — don’t move!”

(the next day)

HARRY: “I guess no kung pao for us.”

JOHNNY: “We’ll just have to pray for some tomorrow. We need something to give to the prisoners to rejuvinate them. They only get half a bowl of rice per day. And we have to notarize a POA for the POW to have his motorcycle released so his wife can sell it — and also let the wife know that Sam is still alive.

(a week later)

JOHNNY: “Don’t move… I hear rustling. There might be an explosion. Don’t budge a nanometer.” (boom — crash, crash, bullet sounds, firecrackers, boom, pow, silence…”Gentlemen, it looks like we will be having kung pao — finally. Let’s see if he is already cooked or if we have to cook him.”

HARRY: “Don’t you feel sorry for the families of the Vietcong you have killed?”

JOHNNY: “I know, what about their husbands and kids. Oh, and some of them are male soldiers too who might have wives. I almost forgot. The way I look at it is that my tactics might be brutal, but my way of fighting removes the necessity for bombing sprees in areas that have civilians making my way of fighting highly moral. No little children get burned my way — only bad guys, and a few low flying birds, and a monkey once (delicious) and a few squirrels.

HARRY: “A point well made. Speaking of points, where did you bury the pungi sticks?”

JOHNNY: “They are near the trail… tread lightly. Now let’s cook this guy. Would you prefer a leg or a wing? And let’s leave some leftovers in a bowl to freak out other VC guys who come wandering around here later. We’ll put the bowl under the hanging body. It’s sort of a — you mess with us, this is what happens to you type of a not so subtle message.”

(another week later)

SIMON: “I think this meat we have is holding up. The salt really preserves it. We need to strengthen the guys out if we are to walk twenty days with them.”

JOHNNY: “There is no time for that unless you want to camp out and feed them every night, sneaking in and risking our lives. It is easier to just kill all the guards and make a clean break. We’ll be at The Trang in one hour. I’ve walked this trail many times before and obviously lived to tell about it.”

HARRY: “The question is, do we subdue the guards with poisoned darts, spiders, snakes, hand to hand combat, or just shoot them?”

JOHNNY: “I like the way you think. Or maybe the guards will need something notarized too. If we throw a tarantula at the guards, they will be focused on the spider, and not us, so we can do our thing without too much opposition. Or maybe the spider will finish them off.”

HARRY: “How do you know which spiders are poisonous? Did you read up on spiders at the base or take a nature walk while your commander taught you about each one?”

JOHNNY: “If only I had a commander like that. Only the VC’s teach them men real fighting skills like that. If only we lived in a perfect world we would learn that. Once again, I had to learn on my own. Okay, we’re here. Let’s round up the spiders and put them in this case. Good. Okay. You guys wait here. I might not come out alive. This is a profession with a high attrition rate due mainly to decapitation, incareration in POW camps, loss of limbs, and sometimes spider bites — knock on wood. If I don’t come back — drink this.”

HARRY: “And what is this?”

JOHNNY: “Spider venom. It will kill you fast. No pain. You’ll never survive around here without me.”

SIMON: “Ummm.. Thanks… I guess.”

JOHNNY: “That’s the biggest favor anyone ever did for you. Otherwise you would die slowly in a prison camp. The only reason I lived was because of my impenetrable will to live — and also my will to kill more enemy soldiers with my hands — so theraputic! Men… I’m going in.

Johnny hid in a tree. A guard came close. Johnny dropped from the tree, slit the VC guys throat and never saw it coming and never felt a thing. Johnny threw a throwing star at another guard’s throat. Then he went in and threw spiders at everyone, took cover, and shot all the guards one by one. The whole operation took only six minutes. Going out, he had to disable a few wires that would have spelled death for his escape. Then he went in and got what was left of Sam the POW. He was so skinny.

JOHNNY: “We are leaving The Trang now. Let’s get you to where our guys are camped out and then we’ll notarize you.”

SAM: “The what? this place is not called The Trang. How did you know I needed a Notary?”

JOHNNY: “Well we call it The Trang. It’s Harry’s idea. We heard from some other guy who was released and was on TV back at the base in South Caroline. He announced you were still alive and needed a Notary. So, I brought Harry.

SAM: “Oh, thanks, but I already got my paper notarized by someone yesterday who I found on 123notary.com.”

JOHNNY: “You mean I travelled twenty days on foot, killed six people in cold blood — which I enjoyed immensely, and risked getting blown to shreds in a booby trap or too, and you have already been Notarized?”

SAM: “I’m just puling your leg. There is no 123notary.com in Danang. At least not yet.”

JOHNNY: “So, you look a little skinny. Have some kung pao Thuy. I know it’s Thuy because I checked the ID and took a fingerprint.”

HARRY: “You took a fingerprint. Well where is the finger right now?”

JOHNNY: “You probably don’t want to know. The left finger is still in the jungle probably. The right finger. Well, let’s not point fingers…”

SIMON: “We’re cannibals! Mmm. This is really good! These prints look so artistic. Have you heard of the artist formerly known as prints?”

JOHNNY: I don’t think that guy will come into being until the 90’s with that name. At least that’s what I picked up in a meditation while I was meditating on the consciousness of a wild puma. I’d love to have a puma paw right about now. And some Baskin Robbins.

HARRY: “Now you’re talking. By the way, before we forget. Sam… Please sign here.”

SAM: “I’m so weak I can only sign with an X. Do you have two subscribing witnesses?”

HARRY: “Two what? No just kidding. I read Jeremy’s course so I know exactly what you mean. They have to sign the journal which by the way has mold on it from the trip. But, I kept it in a waterproof binder. Oh, you were just kidding. You can sign just fine. Sign my journal too please… Great. I will affix my stamp here. Done. You are notarized. You can die of exhaustion now and your wife will get to sell your bike.

SAM: “Just what I wanted. But, after this kung pao, I feel a sense of envigoration. Let’s walk 400 miles.”

SIMON: “Just for the record, we calculate distance in kilometers. We are in Vietnam now.”


December 15, 2017

He was on his way to a Notary appointment when….

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:08 am

For the last several years I have been looking for my black equivalent. Someone who is a brotha who is just like me in all ways. I lost home in ever finding this person until…

It was a few days ago. I was late to a Notary appointment and in line at Starbucks. I am addicted. I know. Too much sugar and caffeine, but we all have needs. And there he was.

He was wearing a gray t-shirt, blue jeans, and flip flops, just like me. He looked cynically at the croissants in the display and looked like he could stand to lose a few pounds.

I exclaimed — “I’ve done it — I have finally found my black equivalent. You are just like me in all ways.”

BRUTHA — “What????”

JEREMY: “We dress exactly the same way, have the same body type, you are my black equivalent!”

BRUTHA: “Because I’m wearing a gray t-shirt? Please. That don’t mean nothin’.”

JEREMY: “YES IT DOES — you’re the guy. I have been looking for my brutha of anotha culla for years now. And you’re it.”

BRUTHA: “You crazy man! (mumbling) White people. I’ll never figure them out…”

JEREMY: “So much for equivalents and racial equality. I guess you’re saying we’re not equal.”

BRUTHA: “You wanna see EQUAL? See this little blue packet that I’m putting in my coffee. That’s the only EQUAL I care about…. Please….”

(an hour later — Jeremy runs into another brutha, but this time is wearing a Russian fur hat.)

JEREMY: “I think we have another prospect. Yup, gray t-shirt, flip flops, ooh, even the same kind I wear from Adventure 16, and yes, of course Levi’s. Gotta have Levi’s unless you are going to a high end Notary appointment then wear business casual. Who am I kidding. HEY, you are my black equivalent. Look at us (standing next to him.)

IVAN: “You are right. (thick Russian accent.)

JEREMY: “Is that a Russian accent? Are you a black Russian?”

IVAN: “Yes, and I am your black equivalent. We fought for equality for years and I am glad to be your equal. Think of me as a COMRADE FROM ANOTHER MOMRAD.”

JEREMY: “All right. Strasnitzie (hello) my brutha! ”

IVAN: “Strasnitzie tavarich (hello), my main comrade.”

JEREMY: “But, it’s 90 degrees and you are wearing that Russian fur hat.”

IVAN: “Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh Hell Nyet…. HELL NYET!!!”

JEREMY: “You better not be late otherwise your grandmother might burn the Pyrogies.”

IVAN: “What did you say about my babushka?”

JEREMY: “Okay, I’m glad I met you. Tell your babushka or grandmother that I said hi. Dasvidaniya playuh!”

IVAN: “See you next time. Oh, and by the way, we prefer to be called — African American Russians, not Black Russians.”

JEREMY: “That is because your ancesters come from near the African American Sea near Armenia. My client and his Grant Deeds are waiting.”

IVAN: “You got that right!”


December 1, 2017

A Notary guest speaker gets harrassed by students

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:20 am

A Notary who was big on Notary education and prudency went to lecture for a bunch of college students. Back in her day, students were interested in learning. But, the students of the day were only interesting in heckling and harrassing her mostly about false accusations and politically correct nonsense.

Mrs. Hucklesworth spoke about the importance of Oaths for a few minutes. The crowd immediately started booing and told her that Oaths were a form of tyranny because they were under God and how they didn’t believe in God. Then Mrs. Hucklesworth told them that there was an alternative called an Affirmation which was made on your honor. The students booed again because they claimed they had no honor. Some crowds are just hard to please.

Then she spoke about the importance of having good ID. A member of the crowd said that ID’s were a form of tyranny because black people couldn’t get an ID on voting day. Then Mrs. Hucklesworth explained that nobody could get an ID in certain counties on voting day black or not, but that they could get one on other days.

Mrs. Hucklesworth: Young man, do you carry an ID?
Loudmouth: Of course I do
Mrs. Hucklesworth: Then you are partaking in tyranny yourself!
Loudmouth: I guess you have a point. So, can you notarize me then?
Mrs. Hucklesworth: I am not a practicing Notary any more my dear child!

Next, the topic at hand was variations on a Power of Attorney. A feminist asked if there were a Power of Maternity. Then another feminist said that would be sexist because women are capable of doing a lot more than just being a mother. Then a third feminist said that if all females thought like that, then the human race would die out! Then, there was a variation on that document for people who live in fear called a Cower of Attorney.

Finally, the talk degenerated into a discussion about thumbprints. Finally, the crowd was happy as Mrs. Hucklesworth handed out NNA inkless thumbprint pads to the crowd and they started thumbprinting each other. The proceeding looked more like apes playing with a new toy at the zoo, but at least happy apes.

The moral of the story is that the talk went well by 2017 standards because the studends didn’t try to drown the speaker out with noise machines. For people who love freedom of speech so much, why would you use noise machines? That is the line that separates liberals from leftists. Liberals like the idea of a free discussion of ideas and will entertain any idea no matter whether it is offensive or not to them or their peers. Liberalism seems dead in America and more tolerated by Rightists at this juncture in history which is ironic — don’t ya think?


November 24, 2017

A Notary from Florida travels to India

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:53 am

A customer went to a Notary in Florida.

CUSTOMER: I need to be notarized. Can you notarize me?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Sure I can. I just need a document.

CUSTOMER: Here is the document.

FLORIDA NOTARY: You already signed it. I cannot notarize it.

CUSTOMER: That’s not what the law says. Notaries are required to know their state laws. And anyway, you can verify the signature when I sign your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But my state doesn’t require me to keep a journal.

CUSTOMER: What if I give you a fake ID, steal a million dollars from Fred’s house, and then disappear. You are the one who will be the suspect in court because you have no evidence to defend yourself. You became a Notary to make a few extra bucks and now look what happened.

FLORIDA NOTARY: I don’t think I feel comfortable notarizing you.

CUSTOMER: I don’t think I feel comfortable being notarized BY you.

(one month later)

Mr. FIBBS: My house was compromised and I’m out a million dollars. You were the Notary who notarized the transaction. The FBI is investigating and we need to see your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh, I don’t keep a journal because my state doesn’t require me to.

FBI: Mr. Florida Notary, please come with us. You are under arrest for identity fraud conspiracy.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But, I’m not in cahutz with anyone. I just notarized a document.

FBI: Yes, but without the journal and a journal thumbprint, you are covering up incriminating evidence which makes you look very suspicious which is why you are under arrest.

Mr. FIBBS: My life is ruined and all because of that damn Notary and the damn Florida Notary Division which doesn’t require the one thing that would have saved my finances — namely a journal with paw prints. Boo hoo hoo. I’ll be in a mess for at least a year and could end up homeless too.

(two days later after paying bail.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, my son needs a new kidney and the only place I can get one is in India. I’ll book our flights today and hope I get back in time for my court appearance as a suspect in an identity fraud ring.

RAHUL: Yes, Ms. Frieda Florida Notary Public. We can have your kidney which you have been on a list for two years come in on Friday. It will be no problem. You will need to show up at that Rajeev Gandhi National Hospital in Bangalore on the 3rd. Will that be okay?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Yes, that will be fine.

TAXI DRIVER: Where are you going?

FLORIDA NOTARY: We are going to the Rajeev Gandhi Hospital in JP Nagar in Bangalore.

TAXI DRIVER: That will be 80 rupees. Meter broken.

(ten minutes later there was a terrible crash.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, we’ve been in a deadly car crash since we were dodging that elephant to the right and that ox to the left. My son is dead. And this cab has no seatbelts. You Mr. Taxi Driver are responsible for my son’s death because there are no seatbelts in this vehicle.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh no, you see in India, we are not LEGALLY REQUIRED to have seatbelts. So, you see it is not my fault. Accidents happen, what can you do?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Now my life is ruined because of that damned taxi driver and the damned Indian government for not requiring thumbprints.

(coincidentally, the driver carrying the kidney was in the car that crashed into Florida Notary and was also killed because he too was not wearing a seatbelt, and the kidney went flying out the window and ended up on the back of an elephant.)

TAXI DRIVER: Yes, Mr. pharmacist, I need some holistic remedy to a bug infestation in my house. What do you recommend?

PHARMACIST: There is tea tree oil. It is not expensive and microscopic insects are often killed from it.

(the taxi driver uses the tea tree oil and has a horrible reaction to it that ends him up in the hospital for two days.)

TAXI DRIVER: Hey, that oil you sold me is toxic to humans and you did not warn me.

PHARMACIST: The government of India, and coincidentally America does not regulate this type of products. You buy at your own risk.

(meanwhile Mr. Fibbs and his wife move to India since they lost almost all of their money in the identity theft and get exactly the same taxi driver that the Florida Notary did.)

Mr. FIBBS: Taxi! We are going to the Himalayas to live. We lost almost all our money because of this damn Notary. Can you believe it?”

TAXI DRIVER: Was she about 5’10”, dark hair and really annoying, with a thick Florida accent?

Mr. FIBBS: Yes, that was her. Why. Do you know her?

TAXI DRIVER: Never seen her in my life. No just kidding. She was in our car when a bus came out of nowhere and I had to swerve to the left and there was a terrible accident. This type of thing happens a lot in India. Maybe I’m telling you too much.

Mr. FIBBS: Well that woman deserves to die.

TAXI DRIVER: Funny that you mention that. And by the way, what do you do for a living?

Mr. FIBBS: I give investment advice.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, I know somebody who needs advice at the pharmacy.

PHARMACIST: Yes, Mr. Fibbs. I am wanting to know, which US stocks are you liking?

Mr. FIBBS: You could pick a good index fund, but my favorite is Cola Cola stock. They have a good business model and solid management. I would put most of my money in that stock if I only bought one stock.

PHARMACIST: You saved my life.

(two weeks later coca-cola stock crashes, Mr. Fibbs and his wife decide it is better to be paupers in America then live in India under any circumstances and our characters all meet again.)

PHARMACIST: Mr. Fibbs. You are back. But, I have lost all my money. Coca-Cola stock crashed. You have given me very bad advice. Very very bad advice. You are a very very bad man.

Mr. FIBBS: First of all, Coca-Cola is a very solid company. But, you can’t buy a stock and sell it on a whim under unfavorable circumstances or you could lose your money with any stock. And second, I am NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED to back my investment advice. It is just an opinion and not an intrinsic truth. I am not a psychic.

PSYCHIC: Did someone call? I can tell you your future. You will be broke and die in misery. 50 rupees please. I need a new turban. This one makes me look fat.

ALL WATCHING: Get lost!!!!

PHARMACIST: You ruined my life. You damned investment advisor and your damn American laws not requiring that you take responsibility for what you tell people.

TAXI DRIVER: Well you almost ended my life with that tea tree oil without a warning.

FLORIDA NOTARY: (who came out of nowhere) well you ended my son’s life because you didn’t bother having seatbelts. It wouldn’t kill you to invest a thousand rupees to save someone’s life.

Mr. FIBBS: Well you ruined my finances by not having a journal. It costs $15 to have a journal and another $16 to get a thumbprinter from the NNA. I know this because I was so upset with you that I decided to become a Notary. But instead of being a shoddy Notary, I decided to become the most thorough Notary in the world besides Jeremy at 123notary.com who by the way is an ex-Notary, but a very thorough ex-Notary.

TAXI DRIVER: I guess we all ruined each others lives. Perhaps it is our karma that we should meet under such unfortunate circumstances.

GURU: I have been observing this entire conversation and situation for the last month and it is in deed very karmically perplexing, complex and yet still deeply interesting. I have only one more thing to say.

TAXI DRIVER: What’s that?

GURU: Tag — you’re it!!!!!


November 17, 2017

Finding Your Roots — Notary Edition

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:07 am

Harrison Stampworth was a guest on the show Finding Your Roots. His male lineage was a long line of Notaries Public going back to the time and general location of where George Washington was before the Revolutionary War. What Harrison didn’t initially realize was that his ancestors had committed some major Notarial crimes and were even prosecuted for them.

His 8th Great Grandfather Jedidiah got in a lot of trouble. He had a bunch of slaves, and was too lazy to do his own Notary work. So, he made his head slave Jarvis do the work for him. What Jedidiah didn’t know was that it was illegal to let anyone else use your seal. Eventually, Jedidiah got locked up for allowing another person to use his seal. The original sentence was three years, but it was lengthened another two because the person allowed to use the seal was not even a free man. Additionally, Jarvis got his freedom papers fraudulently notarized, but forgot to realize that while impersonating his Master as a Notary, he also impersonated his Master as the signer — and you can’t notarize yourself. So Jarvis and Jedidiah ended up in neighboring jail cells, each for completely different Notarial crimes.

His 7th Great Grandfather Eli Notarized John Hancock’s John Hancock signing the declaration of independence, but the document is still smudged to this day due to his sloppy clerical skills. He also asked Ben Franklin if he needed Notary services, and Ben told him to go fly a kite. Then he swore in a relative of George Washington who said, “I cannot tell a lie, but if I do, just make sure it’s not under Oath.” And then Eli said, “No problem, we’ll just do an Affirmation — I’ve always been a few hundred years ahead of my time. So chew on that!” — the other guy said, “If my teeth weren’t made of wood I’d take you up on your offer.”

Harrison’s 4th Great Grandmother Abitha headed the largest Notary Association of the 1800’s which was called Confederate Notary Association where their motto was, “Keep it civil.” She used giant Notary seals to smuggle bullets across enemy lines to confederate soldiers. Another noteworthy piece of information about Abitha was that she died on the exact day of her commission’s expiration date right after she had her daily tea and beignets.

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