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September 15, 2017

Psych Notary Episode

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 11:54 pm

There is a sit-com on Ion television that you can sometimes get on other cable stations called Psych. It’s about a psychic Shawn Spencer and his sidekick Burton Guster. In any case, the psychic is a fake half the time who sees real clues that nobody else saw him see and then pretends to have a vision.

In this episode, a Notary is found dead and his stamp is found missing. The detectives arrive on the scene.

LASSITER: The body is dead — and it’s cold. It could have been lying here for a good seven to ten hours in my estimate. The cause of death seems unclear.

JULES: Let’s take the body to the lab and see if there is any sign of food poisoning. The victim seems to be a Notary Public, and you know how those type of people are — you know — eating on the road on the run.

SHAWN: You’re right. He might have eaten a poisoned fish filet or….wait a second, I’m getting something… (puts his right two fingers to his head) This MAN, did not die from accidental food poisoning (pause)… he was murdered.

LASSITER: You and your unsubstantiated hunches. I just can’t stand it. And what’s worse is that you’re right more than half the time.

SHAWN: Some people say that I’m talented. Oh, and I’m sorry about your tragic breakup.

LASSITER: Yeah… so am I. I really fell for her.

SHAWN: Don’t despair Lassie, there are other fish in the sea… and coral, particularly Staghorn coral.. and sometimes Pillar coral, and it really sucks when that filmy type of algae gets stuck on the coral.. hmmm. I wonder how that happens. But, I digress. My point is that I’m sure you’ll find someone else.

GUS: Yeah… You’ll find someone. Algae on coral? Ain’t no algae on coral.

SHAWN: I’ve seen it. At least half a dozen times.

GUS: Where?

SHAWN: Snorkeling

GUS: Since when do you snorkel?

SHAWN: I snorkel… Why, you didn’t think I snorkeled? I’m a snorkeler. And I can communicate with fish too. Watch this (puts face near the fish tank and blows bubbles in the air) bubble bubble bubble… See. I told you. I am all about the sea.

JULES: Well, we’ll have to inspect the scene thoroughly and then round up some suspects. Hmm. It seems that this man is a Notary, yet his Notary seal seems to be missing. Perhaps this Notary was murdered to cover up a botched notarization.

LASSITER: Or perhaps the Notary had an exclusive contract with his boss, and his boss found out….

SHAWN: That the Notary was cheating on him… I think you’re projecting, Lassie. Your ex-girlfriend.

LASSITER: She never cheated on me! She was arrested for conspiracy.

SHAWN: Sure she didn’t. I understand. We need to know who the last one who was in the room was — and that man (or woman) will be… the killer.

GUS: What if there were two of them.

SHAWN: Okay… I’m getting something. (puts right fingers to side of head). I know who the killer is… or should I say… “Killizz”

LASSITER: According to this security footage, a well known gangster named Tommy Walker was the last man to come here.

SHAWN: Wait a second, I recognize those finger tattoos. Put them all together, one one hand is says love, and on the other hand’s fingers it says hate. And mom told me not to use four letter words. The killer had a document missing a page and the Notary refused to sign it. So, the killer murdered the Notary, stole the Notary’s stamp and backdated the notarization so that it would APPEAR to have been done long before the murder even though it would not be recorded until after because of some last minute travel arrangements gone bad.

JULES: How do you come up with this?

SHAWN: I have a natural gift.

(Meanwhile the main suspect Tommy Walker, a hardened criminal is at home eating fruit loops and watching the muffets when our dynamic team of sleuths barges in)

LASSITER: (pointing gun) You’re under arrest for the Murder of John Q Smith, Notary Public at large.

TOMMY: I didn’t kill him. He just died shortly after our Notary appointment.

SHAWN: Ah-ha, but your Notary appointment yielded no actual notarization. Or did it. Wait a second… I”m getting something (see’s notarized form in the bag) I see a … win a trip for two to Disney Land…

GUS: Shawn!

SHAWN: Oh, sorry, no… check right behind the Disneyland document and you will find the incriminating document. Yes… A falsified Power of Attorney with a classic missing page… The NNA warns people about that type of situation.

JULES: Oh my God Shawn. You’re right. This Notarization was dated several days ago, but the ink is still fresh.

SHAWN: Caught… in the act. And… we happen to have access to this Notary’s Notary journal which has no record of your transaction on May 5th, “el cinco de Mayo” of the Power of Attorney in question. Which proves that either the Notary kept lousy records, or that you faked the notarization. We’ll have to take the form to the lab so that Woody can inspect the ink for aging.

TOMMY: Okay, I did it. I stole the Notary’s seal, but I didn’t kill him. The killer

SHAWN: Or “Killizz”

TOMMY: is STILL at large. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy. In the mean time… hello travelocity.

JULES: Not so fast. We have the right to detain you until we resolve this.

GUS: Good thing this Notary kept good records because many Notaries on 123notary don’t think they need to keep a journal since their state doesn’t require it. And the ones in California who are required, don’t understand that each document and signature require their own journal entry. You can’t just put them all on the same line and expect that to be a legal record.

SHAWN: How do you know all this?

GUS: Because I used to be a commissioned Notary Public for the state of California, County of Santa Barbara — thank you very much for asking.

SHAWN: Oh cool, so can you notarize my stuffed penguin I’ve had since childhood?

GUS: You never had a stuffed penguin.

SHAWN : Did too, you just never saw it.

GUS: Where did you keep it?

LASSITER: Gentlemen, let’s be done with this inconsequential rambling and get to the task at hand. We need to take Tommy into custody and then question him. Meanwhile, we need to see Woody to see what the autopsy reveals.

WOODY: Hmmm, I’ve checked the body thoroughly and it seems that the Notary was administered a tiny amount of poison that would make him drowsy for just the amount of time it would take Tommy to borrow the Notary’s seal, stamp a document, return the seal and then leave. Tommy probably figured the Notary wouldn’t suspect a thing. HOWEVER, since the Notary had an allergy to some of the chemicals in the poison, the Notary died on the spot. Although the death was accidental, the poisoning was not.

LASSITER: Involuntary manslaughter. Tommy will get a much shorter sentence. A petty crime gone wrong.

SHAWN: Couldn’t the Notary die on an x, or on a dotted line instead of on the spot. Wouldn’t that be cooler.

GUS: Shawn! A notary can’t die on an x marks the spot. That’s ridiculous. He could die on a chair.

SHAWN: Or a gezebo. Or … wait a second, or a pagoda. But, that would probably only be a Japanese Notary.

GUS: Unless it was an American tourist Notary who was on vacation in a place where there are pagodas.

SHAWN: True, but would the American Notary carry their seal with them to Osaka to a pagoda and then just die there?

GUS: I don’t know. But, the Notary seal might drop out of his bag while he was bowing. When Americans bow, they bow too low. Japanese bow just a little bit — just the right amount.

SHAWN: How do you know so much about bowing?

GUS: I studied Hokkaido style karate — that is how I know. And if you studied that too, the knowledge would come from within you.

SHAWN: Right now the only thing coming from within me is an intense desire to eat a pineapple. Wanna share one?

GUS: Okay!

LASSITER: You guys are both insane. But, we cracked the case and we can all go home now, except for Tommy who’s going to do some real time.

SHAWN: Yes, unless he also finds a way to backdate his prison sentence!

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September 8, 2017

Notary speaker offends college students

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:53 pm

Notary is hired to do a speech for college students in Berkeley. But, everything he says offends them.

NOTARY: Welcome class. Today I am here to speak of the duties of the Notary Public. A notary is appointed by the Secretary of State or Notary division in the prospective Notary’s respective state.

SUZIE: Like… Notaries should be able to do whatever they want man… Screw the rules.

NOTARY: Well, if you ignore the rules, you could end up losing your commission and ending up in jail

JACK: That’s fascist man… Not fair. Let’s throw things!!!!!

NOTARY: I’ll call for police back up if you throw one thing.

JACK: I knew you were on their side. You’re a rightist extremist!!!

SUZIE: So, what about women. Do women have equal opportunities in the Notary world or is there a glass ceiling like in the rest of the world where we have “equal” opportunities.

NOTARY: Actually, now that you mention it, the reason for the pay gap between men and women in jobs at large worldwide stems from the fact that women work three hours less per week than men — assuming they work at all. Additionally, men are more willing to do dirty, dangerous, technical and otherwise unpleasant work while women prefer to do work that is more socially gratifying, involving people, healing, children, and that lead to a balanced life even if it pays less. The result is that women have more balanced lives but get paid less. If you compare apples to apples for women and men with the same amount of experience, neither of whom take a maternity leave and work the same amount of hours and with the same vigor and skill level, women actually get paid slightly more than men.

SUZIE: Bullshit!!!! That’s sexist! Let’s start a riot!!!!

NOTARY: I have the police on speed dial if you can’t control yourself.

JACK: This guy’s a fascist — let’s get the noise maker and drown him out so he can’t be heard!!!!

NOTARY: I am here for your benefit so you will do better in the real world. If you want to undermine that opportunity, that hurts you, not me.

FRANK: Good point. I think we need to listen instead of antagonizing the Notary, even if that means compromising our “values” of attacking anyone we falsely accuse of being right wing, unfair or fascist when we are the ones who are unfair fascists of a left-wing variety.

SUZIE: You said it!! Wait a second. Could you repeat that?

NOTARY: Yes, by preventing people from speaking by force you are imposing a vigilante style neo-marxist fascism. If more people did that, we would all lose our freedom of speech just like in many other countries — which would be bad, unless it was only you guys losing your freedom of speech as well as the freedom to throw things which is considered a felony.

FRANK: I’m in your boat on this one. Or on the wagon. Or… I just quit smoking so, maybe I’m off the wagon. Not sure…. Go on!

NOTARY: A Notary’s job includes Acknowledging signatures, administering Oaths, taking Jurats, and sometimes a few other tasks, but those are the main three. Official acts can vary from state to state, but all states have Acknowledgments, Jurats, and Oaths.

JACK: You mean like Quaker Oaths?

NOTARY: No, Jack, an Oath is where you raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth like when they swore in Donald… bad example, like how they would have sworn in Hillary Clinton had the election not been rigged.

FRANK: Traitor!!!

SUZIE: I had you all wrong. I LOVE you Mr. Notary. Would you date me? It would be like how Ross dated that college student on Friends.

NOTARY: Oh God. I’m just trying to appease the situation, but it seems I made an enemy out of Frank in the process. In any case, an Acknowledged signature is when a signer signs a document. They can take it later on to a Notary and have the Notary fill out a form stating they acknowledge signing the document. They do not have to sign in the presence of the Notary, but do need to show ID and personally show up in front of the Notary. A Jurat requires the signer to sign in front of the Notary and swear to the truthfulness of the document.

SUZIE: How romantic. It sounds like getting married. By the way, you have pretty blue eyes!

JACK: I do!!!

NOTARY: Sometimes a Notary will need credible witnesses to swear in a signer who doesn’t have an ID.

FRANK: Wait… credible what-nisses?

NOTARY: Witnesses

FRANK: Are you doing something criminal where there are witnesses? Do you have a witness protection program?

NOTARY: Honestly, you people are such a bunch of dumb-asses!!!

JACK: Ha ha ha… That’s what I think to. I’m around this type of behavior so much I don’t even notice it. It’s like being in the 8th grade perpetually, except in the 8th grade I didn’t understand the meaning of perpetual.

SUZIE: Yeah, neither did I. I thought a perpetual was a pervert.

NOTARY: They could be… Or they could be a perpetrator. Anyway…Now this is a Notary Journal. The signer has to sign the document as well as the Notary journal right here….

JACK: Woah… Can I sign?

SUZIE: Yeah, I wanna sign too!!!

FRANK: Aren’t you supposed to have a document being Notarized to sign this? Signing the journal is not just for fun. Let’s be serious. Oh wait… Is that the fee section? How much do you dudes get paid? I need a career when I get out of this joint.

NOTARY: Notaries now make $15 per signature. If you have ten signatures to notarize in an hour, you can give a discount or make up to $150.

JACK: Wow, I make $9.25 per hour, that’s like what I make in an hour in a half. I’m becoming a Notary. Can you be a felon and still become a Notary?

NOTARY: No..

JACK: Good, that will weed out the competition — cuz, like, I’m not a felon. I don’t even look like one.

NOTARY: Well that’s the main thing, isn’t it!

SUZIE: I had you so wrong. I love you Notary man! Oh… I’m going back home to write a song about blue eyed Notary man… How I dream of Notary man.

NOTARY: It was nice meeting you all. Here is my card in case you ever need a Notary, or in your case a date who is twice your age. But, as they say — age is just a number.

SUZIE: And Notary fees are just a number that will help when you take me out to a French Cafe called Le Jurat!

NOTARY: It’s a date. Don’t tell the Dean of students. He’ll crucify me.

SUZIE: If he does, we’ll riot and he knows that. He has his hands tied. This place is run by anarchists, not the Dean.

JACK: Yup!!!! And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

FRANK: Speak for yourself!

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September 1, 2017

The new travel ban on Notaries from 7 countries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:47 am

Constitutional or not, there has been a new travel ban on Notaries from seven countries.

El Salvador
Due to the cartel violence, Notaries are not allowed to travel to or from El Salvador, but Mexico is not on the list because the Zetas cartel bribed Washington.

Canada
A travel ban to Notaries going to Canada has also been enacted due to an incident where a Notary botched a notarization at a hockey game and then made a cheesy joke about how Canadians say, “It’s aboot time eh?”

Somalia
Somali Notaries were banned from going to Somalia because one was caught trying to spread Sharia law in Minnesota. But, refugees can still come here if they go via neighboring Kenya where there is also a growing refugee crisis.

Syria
Syria is on the list because too many Notaries complained that half of the ID’s they got from Syria were either falsified, or stolen. A simple thumbprint on the passport would solve a lot of this problem.

Israel (not included in the 7 banned by Washington)
Israel was also on the list because the head Rabbi didn’t want anyone flying on the Sabbath which is from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. So, to be on the safe side, they decided not to let Israeli Notaries fly to America period! But, this decision was made by Israel, and not by Washington and therefor cannot be counted in the seven.

Korea
Korean Notaries were also banned because a Korean Notary was on their way to an appointment in Jeremy’s neighborhood in Los Angeles, but driving the wrong way on a one-way road on a circular route around a water fountain in Park La Brea. Authorities have identified this lady as Park Chong-He (who is a she, not a he) who is now classified as a vehicular terrorist who would be better off Park(ed) rather than driving. No kidding, this happened yesterday afternoon.

Andorra
Andorra was on the list too not for typical reasons, but because authorities can’t find it on a map. It is allegedly a tiny city state scrunched between France and Spain, but the zoom feature on Google maps wasn’t working on their computer, so they decided to ban it anyway.

Belgium
Although not an Islamic country and not a country with an Islamic majority, it was banned as a safety precaution and to send a message to Belguim. Belgium is now known as a country that harbors terrorists and whose police force is too inept to identify and prosecute dangerous members of society. The police claim they are too busy and there are too many people on their suspect list. Meanwhile, after the deadly Paris attack done by Belgian residents, France insists on keeping an open border with Belgium. It reminds me of 2006 as I freely drove from country to country within Europe without so much as a welcome from anyone other than the Swiss authorities. The only thought that went through my head is that this openness is a huge hole in security and dangerous. It could lead to huge problems down the road — and it has in the last eleven years since my visit.

Meanwhile, the ban on Notaries was temporarily overturn by Supreme Court Judges as of January 2017. We’ll see if the ban on traveling Notaries gets put back into effect. The court overturned the executive order because it was discriminatory towards countries with weak police departments, towards countries that lacked common sense, and towards bad drivers and therefor deemed unconstitutional. So, now a newer draft of the travel ban is in the making.

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August 31, 2017

Notary Chess Sets

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 9:44 am

Notary chess sets are a little different than conventional or non-conforming chess sets.

The rooks look like notary seals.

The king is the secretary of state.

Carmen is the queen of the notary industry, so she gets to be the queen.

Jeremy is the knight, because he’s very agile and can jump in and out of complicated business situations.

For you boomers out there, the white bishop is Joey. But the black bishop is a Catholic priest to whom borrowers can say, “Forgive me, Father, for I have rescinded.”

The pawns are the notaries.

Each chess piece has to have an I.D. and the board is shaped like a square document. Where to place the signature? If you know the answer to that, you’re smart enough to play notary chess! And you thought regular chess was challenging!

Rook to A4, your move…

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August 25, 2017

The 10 Notary Commandments

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:41 am

After Moses wandered the desert for forty years, he could be forgiven for being too tired to carry anything more than ten commandments. But there were ten additional ones we at 123Notary would like to pass on to you now. The notaries have been praying to the wrong god all these years. They thought the NNA was the notary God. But then 123notary published a blog stating that this was misinformation, and Jeremy at 123notary was the real notary God! But the Secretary of State wrote a certified letter to Jeremy stating they were the real Notary God, because they had the ability to create and destroy notary commissions.

Jeremy had this response after he sneezed… “Me bless me; And since there is only one of me, but 51 of you (one per state, plus D.C.), therefore I must be the Notary God, since there can only be one God. Plus I have a thunder and lightning machine in his basement I bring out of the closet for holidays. ”

On to the commandments…

1) You shall have no other notary Gods before me, unless you have a high placement on 123notary and are paid at least twelve months in advance.
2) You shall not make for yourself a carved image, unless it’s an image of your notary seal.
3) You shall not take the name of Jeremy in vain, even though Jeremy calling himself God is very vain.
4) Remember the Day of Rescission by keeping it holy. Today you shall labor and do your work, but on the third day, not including Sundays and federal holidays, it is a Day of Rescission that you offer to the Lord, Your God.
5) Honor your Secretary of State and County Clerk, so that you may live long in the land of the Notary Lord.
6) You shall not kill time unless you charge waiting time in advance.
7) You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor while under oath by a notary who advertises on 123notary, unless he has a free listing.
8) You shall not backdate. (Steal time)
9) You shall not covet your neighbor’s high-paying company clients.
10) You shall not add on a meaningless commandment just to end a notary blog.

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August 18, 2017

Mongolian Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:34 am

Mongolian Notary

I just saw an advertisement for a Mongolian Notary Public.

“Mongolian Notary Public. I travel to jails, hospitals and yurts.”

SAM: So, how is it being a mobile Notary in Mongolia?

MONGOLIAN GUY: Oh, the distances are huge. I had to drive 600 miles to a signing. Since there are no services we have to travel in pairs of two and both know how to repair vehicles, not to mention having a lot of spare parts.

SAM: Ouch. So, what else is unusual about your job?

MONGOLIAN GUY: It is customary for them to offer me yak milk at the signing. Otherwise they would be considered rude. Almost as rude as yacking over someone while they yack.

SAM: Maybe a few yak ribs with some yak milk to wash it down? Or Yak McRibs or a Big Yak.

MONGOLIAN GUY: And perhaps yak soup. It’s very fatty. Gotta survive the Mongolian winter.

SAM: What for? It’s the Mongolian winter. So, after you moved to West Virginia, what part of the state did you get your commission in?

MONGOLIAN GUY: There is a county called Monongalia County. I moved there so I wouldn’t get homesick. Then I found out the elevation was only 1000 feet, so I moved to Colorado. Too much oxygen doesn’t work for me. I need altitude. Either that, or I move to Bejing. There’s not too much oxygen there either.

SAM: Well, the way the economy is going these days we might all be living in yurts here soon as well.

MONGOLIAN GUY: You are preaching to the choir. By the way. Just call me Genghis!
SAM: Beats “Kahn Man.”

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August 11, 2017

Notarizing Jeff Sessions on Torture

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:25 am

JEFF SESSIONS: Hello. Can you swing down to the White House? They want me to sign a bill endorsing waterboarding, but I don’t believe in that. So, I want a sworn statement saying that I don’t like waterboarding.

NOTARY: Well, I got a call from the others saying that they’re going to make you sign a bill approving waterboarding. And if you don’t sign it, they’ll waterboard you until you do.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m not afraid. I used to do a lot of underwater diving in my day. I’m a guy who can really hold his breath. Even when smothered by a sheet, but let’s leave KKK jokes out of it.

NOTARY: So, when are you going to sign the affidavit?

JEFF SESSIONS: Don’t hold your breath!

NOTARY: That joke was torture. What about in the next few minutes?

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m a man of principle, not in my lifetime! If I were a younger man, that would really mean something.

NOTARY: Okay, so do you have your document ready?

JEFF SESSIONS: Yup. I’m in the West Wing of the White House. Just come on over, I’ll tell security that you’re coming. Just one thing. Don’t carry any metal objects on you. Or ties longer than the President’s.

NOTARY: What about my crowns and my embosser?

JEFF SESSIONS: They’ll take it apart and put it back together. Like Obamacare. Oh, and they’ll want you to take off your belt.

NOTARY: So, it’s kind of like going to the airport.

JEFF SESSIONS: Recuse me?

(The Notary arrives.)

NOTARY: Mr. Sessions, how are we going to pay off our 20 trillion debt. This will cripple America when there’s a domino effect of nations defaulting on their debt in Europe.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’ve given the matter a lot of thought. I’m very anti-debt. It’s not good to owe anything, including explanations for why I first told Congress I didn’t meet with the Russians. Another reason debt is bad: We could lose our entire economy and be plunged into a horrible depression. But, there isn’t much I can do, as other Americans don’t value moderation and sensibility.

NOTARY: Well, I’m not afraid, because I just invested in Palladium. So, when the dollar crashes, I have hard assets — and I mean hard!

JEFF SESSIONS: Just as long as you didn’t purchase platinum at The Palladium in Hollywood. They sell it at far over market there. So, here’s the document and my ID.

NOTARY: Okay, sign my journal here, sign the document there, and raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that you agree with the contents of this document in its entirety?

JEFF SESSIONS: I do.

NOTARY: I now pronounce you man and document.

JEFF SESSIONS: Guess where I’m going now and what I’m going to be doing?

NOTARY: I’m stumped.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m flying to Miami Beach to go waterboarding.

NOTARY: So, you lied under Oath?

JEFF SESSIONS: Oh no, I love water boarding — the sport. I just don’t like it when it’s used for cruel and unusual measures of torture.

NOTARY: But, if you force someone go water boarding at the beach who hates it, that could be considered torture too.

JEFF SESSIONS: Not if they wear ample sunscreen. Otherwise — we refer to it as “After-torture.”

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August 10, 2017

Byron Allen – Notary Hot Chocolate!

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 10:41 am

Byron Allen — Notary Hot Chocolate!

BYRON: Welcome to comics unleashed hot chocolate, where the comedians go wild! Are you guys ready to go wild?

EARTHQUAKE: Man, you gotta know what you’re doing if you do Notaries in the ghetto. On Jeremy’s 123notary blog it recommends that you don’t park in the driveway. On my blog, I recommend that you don’t park anywhere. Unless you like seeing your car parts live on in another vehicle. You don’t want to park in the kind of neighborhoods I do my Notaries. you do not want to park. You’d be better off Ubering your ass down to the signing.

GINA: My ass, I’d need two Ubers.

EARTHQUAKE: That’s what I like, girl! Good luck trying to get one to pick you up on your way home. If you do, chances are it’s a stolen Uber.

GINA: What I recommend is have two cars. One nice car you use to go out on a date. And another one that is a junker that you use to do signings in bad neighborhoods — and get a good alarm.

STEVEN: My car alarm has settings: low, regular, highly sensitive, and ghetto times three.

EARTHQUAKE: Ha ha ha… Yeah, I tried that two car thing. It worked real good in the beginning until the junker broke down and then the minute I took my nice car out the garage I got pulled over within minutes. The “Make Honkies Great” bumper sticker probably didn’t help.

GINA: I’ve had it with getting pulled over for DWB. So, much for “Black privilege.”

EARTHQUAKE: Hey don’t knock it, we might have trouble in some facets of life, but I assure you not in others. Tell me a white 60 year-old lady who has the gall to put her face on her own magazine every month.

KYLE: Oprah! Where’s my frickin’ free car?

STEVEN: My car is the opposite of a chick car. It ain’t even a blowup doll car. Not that I haven’t used one in the carpool lane.

EARTHQUAKE: ha ha.. My love life blows too. Neither have I.

GINA: Try candles. Women like candles. Unless they’re over 35 and on their birthday cake. With the type of chicks you meet, get a candle of a Notary Seal.

KYLE: You should get a titanium Notary Seal, so you can run faster from the house you’re doing a signing in back to your junker.

STEVEN: Don’t overlook the idea of getting a hot air balloon. That way you don’t have to park it. Just tie it to the house.

GINA: You’re full of hot air.

EARTHQUAKE: I’m so behind on the bills for my two cars, I have bill collectors calling me daily. There are so many, they carpool to my house to collect. Those are the same people who “approved” me.

GINA: I wouldn’t approve you.

EARTHQUAKE: Thanks for the vote of confidence. But, anyway, yesterday I did a signing for a family called the Owens. I said, that’s a good name for you, because after you sign this Deed of Trust you’re gonna be Owen for the next thirty years.

KYLE: I had a signing like that in Ionia County, Michigan. I told them that’s a good thing you live in this county because after you sign the TRID…. the Lender’s gonna say Ionia!

EARTHQUAKE: You went to Ionia just for the bad pun, didn’t you?

KYLE: Why else would I go?

STEVEN: The thing I hate about being a black Notary is that when I deny illegal requests from black customers, sometimes they call me an Uncle Tom for complying with the man. I’m complying with the law that protects all of us…

GINA: Yeah, except in transit from venue to venue..

STEVEN: Good point…

GINA: It’s less of a point, and more of a line when you think about it. And it’s not as bad as being called an Auntie Thomassina.

EARTHQUAKE: Now, what did you say about my mamma?

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August 4, 2017

A Notary orders pizza during a signing using an app

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:19 am

Which Came First – The Wings/Pizza or the Signer?

Did you hear the one about the notary who ordered pizza and chicken wings with an app before a signing, with the intent they would arrive there shortly after he did? You’re about to.

It turns out the wings didn’t exactly fly over and the pizza didn’t get there in 30 minutes or less. So the notary was finished with the signing and the signer wanted him out of there. But wait – wings and a pizza were coming. Not to mention, thanks to its lateness, a free pizza! The signer didn’t want the notary in his house, nor the food. Especially since he was a vegetarian. So that’s why he looks younger than the date on his driver’s license indicated, thought the notary. Couldn’t he just stick around outside and wait for the food, asked the growingly hungry notary? No, said the signer. He doesn’t allow himself within a mile of any food whose parent had a face. What about heads, as in heads of lettuce? The signer didn’t appreciate the notary’s sarcasm.

If only the notary ordered mushrooms on his pizza instead of pepperoni, he’d at least be able to scarf that down. Guess again, said the signer. Cheese is made from milk, which comes from cows, whose fathers had faces.

Ding-Dong! It must the pizza/chicken wing delivery guy!

Signer: “You can’t open that door.”

Notary: “Please! I’m starving.”
Signer: “What part of ‘can’t’ don’t you understand?!”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the pizza/chicken wing delivery guy. It was the signer’s friend coming over to watch TV. The notary begged to watch with them till his food arrived. Suddenly the signer had a change of heart.

Signer: “Watch TV? Sure, be my guest!”

The horrifying conclusion to this story – The signer and his friend were cannibals. Vegetarian cannibals. When the notary watched crap on TV with them, he was, in effect, “vegging”. An hour later, the food was delivered. The signer and his friend told the delivery boy they were FULL. The notary was never heard from again. You might say his fate was SIGNED, sealed and delivered.

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August 3, 2017

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:55 am

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

TEACHER: Hello class. We are gathered here today to talk about Notary terms, and the state Notary manual. But, first I would like to ask what the manual means to you.

SHELLY: I see a short book designed to teach the Notaries of tomorrow the rules of the road in order to safeguard the integrity of notarized transactions which protects society at large in a broader sense.

TEACHER: Very good Shelly! And very wonky.

KIM JONG “AKA Korean mom”: It’s so very difficult to understand. Half the terms don’t show up in my English-Korean dictionary. What a pain! I have to use my English dictionary and then translate the words in the definition into Korean to figure it out. How will I pass my test? I tried to use that as an excuse to get out of jury duty but they chose me anyway until they found out I didn’t understand any of the legal terms they used! Like “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

TEACHER: Okay, just let me know if there are any terms that I can explain to you. I may not understand Korean, but I can break the complicated terms down in an understandable way.

SHALONDA: I see three things. (1) I see a technical manual that teaches the state & civil laws affecting Notaries public, and more that could help Notaries deter fraud, keep transactions official, and keep paperwork straight. (2) A book that teaches the how-to of doing daily Notary work and (3) A book full of new names for black people to name their kids — you know what I’m saying?

TEACHER: Well, I hadn’t thought about it like that before.

SHALONDA: Oh yeah. I named my kids after Notary terms several years ago. Jurat and Venue… that’s short for Venuetta.

SHELLY: Do you swear under Oath you named your kid Jurat?

SHALONDA: I most certainly do (raising her right hand). But, Jurat is more of a jokester. He doesn’t have a solemn bone in his body. The tread on his boots is shaped like a Notary seal, and he was playing outside after it was raining. It looked like we had impressions of notary seals all through the house. I told him to take his boots off after that.

SHELLY: All of this studying for the Notary exam is tiring. I heard that reading too much can be bad for your eyesight. No wonder Trump doesn’t need glasses.

KIM JONG: I know. That’s why my kid Myong is forbidden to study more than six hours a night. We are recommending dropping his study time from seven hours to five hours and forty-five minutes with the last forty-five minutes mostly study-oriented games, songs or something where he is not staring at a book or computer.

SHELLY: Well we were going to increase Tommy’s study time from forty minutes to an hour and twenty minutes after we found out how hard college is. But, we don’t want him to ruin his eyes, so we’ll compromise at seventy minutes a day.

KIM JONG: How will he possibly compete with those studying five hours a day?

SHELLY’s HUSBAND: She has a point. Tommy will never survive in college unless he studies more. What he does now will affect him for the rest of his life. And if he does poorly in school like my brother, then he might get stuck driving a garbage truck for the rest of his life. Or an Uber.

SHELLY: Or worse — he might have to become a Notary. What has four wheels and flies?

SHALONDA: Ooh! I know this one! A garbage truck.

KIM JONG: No, that’s the junior high version of the joke! The answer in this context is a Notary who is late to a signing because he would be driving so fast!

SHALONDA: Good point. Not funny point, but good. But, honestly, to be a Notary you need to study too. In some states you need to study at least 30 hours to pass the Notary test and then another 30 hours to be a good signing agent. This profession isn’t for jokes — that is if you want to succeed in it. And by the way, you should say what has four wheels and screeches, because when you round those corners, you’re gonna be screeching those tires, girl.

TEACHER: Well class, we do seem to be diverging now don’t we. Being a Notary is a very honorable and noble profession and not for those who lack character. No wonder Trump was never a Notary.

SHALONDA: But, it is for those who lack a high school diploma. There is no educational standard for this job other than passing a test. California, Louisiana and New York make the test hard. But, the other states will just hand out seals to any fool who applies. Like Presidential Seals. Where’s the nobility in that?

TEACHER: Good point. Well, in theory it is supposed to be noble.

SHELLY: Theory doesn’t cut it when a clueless Notary assists a fraud in stealing the Title to your house.

TEACHER: You’re right. Maybe having a longer course than our six hour course would help. Perhaps a background screening too not just for being a signing agent, but for being a Notary.

SHALONDA: In California, the FBI, DOJ, and KGB all check us, but in these other states there doesn’t seem to be a system of checks and balances.

KIM JONG: Perhaps, being a Notary should be regulated federally instead of by a bunch of irresponsible states who can’t keep anything straight. And that wasn’t a reference to the gay parts of California.

TEACHER: Well perhaps you’re right. In any case, let’s practice notarizing a Jurat.

SHALONDA: You’re going to notarize my daughter?

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