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May 25, 2018

Psych episode — busting the Russian Mafia with help of a Notary.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:06 am

Psych Episode — custom’s agent is dead, but who is the killer?

SHAWN: We have a new assignment. But, we might need Lassie’s help.

GUS: I hate working with him, that arrogant prick.

SHAWN: But, we need him. We work well together. A custom’s agent is dead. It is up to us to find the killer. But, it’s still unclear how he died and who killed him if anyone.

(Shawn and Gus go to see Woody for the autopsy)

WOODY: Still working on it. Oh, wait.

SHAWN: Wait a second (putting finger to his head), I’m getting something. Yes, I’m definitely getting something. The spirits are telling me something. The custom’s agent did not die peacefully… he was injected with something, but what?

WOODY: Here it is. His inner thigh has needle marks. He could have been poisoned. I’ll have to send a sample to the lab.

GUS: Meanwhile, we need to investigate. We need to know who the last several people were to have seen Mike Williams, the custom’s agent.

(three hours later after seeing some police investigation files)

SHAWN: The last person to see the custom’s agent was Anatoly Kruscionov, a known mafia henchman. My senses are telling me he is the killer.

GUS: Don’t you mean Kruschevnov?

SHAWN: No, it’s Kruscionov.

GUS: Shawn, I’m pretty sure it’s Kruschevnov, I know the name..

SHAWN: What are you eating?

GUS: Cheeze bits.

SHAWN: They look more like Cheetos.

GUS: That’s because that’s what you want to eat right now. It’s psychosematic.

SHAWN: No, you’re psychosematic.

GUS: I am not!

SHAWN: Are too!

LASSITER: Gentlemen. May I disrupt your valuable dialogue here for a moment? Anatoly Kruscionov is leaving the country in three hours. We absolutely have to get to his office before his limo picks him up. We haven’t a minute to spare.

(all three get in the car and rush to Anatoly’s office)

NOTARY: Now, please sign my journal right here? Hey, why are you looking at the other entries?

ANATOLY: I was only staring at the page. (jotting something down)

NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, what’s your sign?

ANATOLY: Me, I am Leo.

NOTARY: That’s not what your ID says, It says you were born in January — busted!!!!

ANATOLY: Hey you try to trick me. But, now I know address of guy who cheated me, I learned from your Notary journal, you lousy backstabbing Notary.

LASSITER: We are from the Santa Barbara Police Department and have a few questions for you.

ANATOLY: First of all, get out of here you lousy Notary. No travel fee for you. Next, Mr. Lassiter, I would love to speak to you, but I want to speak to Mr. Shawn Spencer…. alone.

SHAWN: Sorry, I never go anywhere without my sidekick Mr. Spock.

GUS: I’m not Spock, for the last time, my name is… Oh… Actually, who are we dealing with here. Hi, I’m Nelson Spock, pleased to meet you.

ANATOLY: (sends Lassiter out of room and locks the door.) Why do you fools chase me. Do you not know I am dangerous man?

SHAWN: We know, that’s why we came to see you. Danger excites us. We know that after you had a confrontation with Mike Williams, he ended up dead. You know, the custom’s officer. Could it be that he knew something about your operation that you did not want him to know?

ANATOLY: What operation?

SHAWN: Could it be that the twenty kilograms of heroine that are to be delivered in three days were discovered by Mike?

ANATOLY: How do you know this? That’s not supposed to come in for a week. Who told you?

GUS: You just did!

SHAWN: Busted!!!!

ANATOLY: You guys are dead. You tricked me. You and that Notary. Ugh… Now we play a little game. Put this gun to your head and pull trigger, otherwise my boys kills you.

SHAWN: He, this guy wants us to play Russian Roulette.

GUS: It’s not Russian Roulette unless the gun is a six shooter with one bullet in it. You don’t know how many bullets are in the gun.

SHAWN: Well if you don’t know how many bullets are in the gun, then it is Ukranian Show Down.

GUS: There’s no such thing as Ukranian Show Down!

SHAWN: Yes there is, I was reading about this online.

GUS: But, it’s not the same thing if someone has a gun to your head. Technically it’s still Russian Roulette

SHAWN: Is not

GUS: Is too, and that’s a far cry away from Siberian roulette which is a very different variation…

ANATOLY: ENOUGH!!!!!!! You two are idiots. But, you will be dead soon. Put gun to head… absolutnye idiot!!! Suca blatt!!!

(ring-ring)

SHAWN: Hey Woody, what’s up?

WOODY: It turns out that Mike was not murdered after all. He was a drug addict and he overdosed on regular Morphene. There are no other drugs in his system. Unless the killer knew he took morphene and wanted to make it look like an overdose.

SHAWN: Woody, we’re being held at gunpoint here, now is not a good time to….

ANATOLY: Enough!!!

SHAWN: We just found out that you are not the killer.

ANATOLY: I kill you any way.

(meanwhile Carlton Lassiter called for back up)

(HUGE CRASH — SBPD busts in)

LASSITER: Put your hands in the air. We have the place surrounded.

JULIET: No not you Shawn. Get over here.

SHAWN: Sorry, just an instinctive reflex.

NOTARY: Oh my God, look at all of the commotion. I would like to report that man. He is a very bad man and has a fake ID.

SHAWN: Oh, can you notarize something for Woody? An Affidavit of Autopsy?

NOTARY: I would, but my journal is being confiscated by the Secretary of State. They want to know about the criminal I notarized earlier today and also they think I am not keeping proper records.

JULIET: Let me see this… Oh my God? You didn’t put the document date? Such sloppy work. No wonder you are in trouble.

SHAWN: Hey Juliet, you aren’t supposed to look at that. It is under the exclusive care of the notary and must be kept under lock and key.

GUS: How come you know so much about Notary work.

SHAWN: I read, plus it’s always been an interest of mine. I heard that Notaries get to do jobs for interesting characters, many of whom are criminals like Johnny that British bloke we visited in jail.

GUS: The one who you imitated who knows where you live.

SHAWN: Good point. Maybe I should just stick to what I’m doing. And a tip for the Notary. Don’t go immediately home after this.

NOTARY: Why not, are Anatoly’s guys following me?

GUS: I think they are following all of us.

.

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September 15, 2017

Psych Notary Episode

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very),Popular Overall,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:54 pm

There is a sit-com on Ion television that you can sometimes get on other cable stations called Psych. It’s about a psychic Shawn Spencer and his sidekick Burton Guster. In any case, the psychic is a fake half the time who sees real clues that nobody else saw him see and then pretends to have a vision.

In this episode, a Notary is found dead and his stamp is found missing. The detectives arrive on the scene.

LASSITER: The body is dead — and it’s cold. It could have been lying here for a good seven to ten hours in my estimate. The cause of death seems unclear.

JULES: Let’s take the body to the lab and see if there is any sign of food poisoning. The victim seems to be a Notary Public, and you know how those type of people are — you know — eating on the road on the run.

SHAWN: You’re right. He might have eaten a poisoned fish filet or….wait a second, I’m getting something… (puts his right two fingers to his head) This MAN, did not die from accidental food poisoning (pause)… he was murdered.

LASSITER: You and your unsubstantiated hunches. I just can’t stand it. And what’s worse is that you’re right more than half the time.

SHAWN: Some people say that I’m talented. Oh, and I’m sorry about your tragic breakup.

LASSITER: Yeah… so am I. I really fell for her.

SHAWN: Don’t despair Lassie, there are other fish in the sea… and coral, particularly Staghorn coral.. and sometimes Pillar coral, and it really sucks when that filmy type of algae gets stuck on the coral.. hmmm. I wonder how that happens. But, I digress. My point is that I’m sure you’ll find someone else.

GUS: Yeah… You’ll find someone. Algae on coral? Ain’t no algae on coral.

SHAWN: I’ve seen it. At least half a dozen times.

GUS: Where?

SHAWN: Snorkeling

GUS: Since when do you snorkel?

SHAWN: I snorkel… Why, you didn’t think I snorkeled? I’m a snorkeler. And I can communicate with fish too. Watch this (puts face near the fish tank and blows bubbles in the air) bubble bubble bubble… See. I told you. I am all about the sea.

JULES: Well, we’ll have to inspect the scene thoroughly and then round up some suspects. Hmm. It seems that this man is a Notary, yet his Notary seal seems to be missing. Perhaps this Notary was murdered to cover up a botched notarization.

LASSITER: Or perhaps the Notary had an exclusive contract with his boss, and his boss found out….

SHAWN: That the Notary was cheating on him… I think you’re projecting, Lassie. Your ex-girlfriend.

LASSITER: She never cheated on me! She was arrested for conspiracy.

SHAWN: Sure she didn’t. I understand. We need to know who the last one who was in the room was — and that man (or woman) will be… the killer.

GUS: What if there were two of them.

SHAWN: Okay… I’m getting something. (puts right fingers to side of head). I know who the killer is… or should I say… “Killizz”

LASSITER: According to this security footage, a well known gangster named Tommy Walker was the last man to come here.

SHAWN: Wait a second, I recognize those finger tattoos. Put them all together, one one hand is says love, and on the other hand’s fingers it says hate. And mom told me not to use four letter words. The killer had a document missing a page and the Notary refused to sign it. So, the killer murdered the Notary, stole the Notary’s stamp and backdated the notarization so that it would APPEAR to have been done long before the murder even though it would not be recorded until after because of some last minute travel arrangements gone bad.

JULES: How do you come up with this?

SHAWN: I have a natural gift.

(Meanwhile the main suspect Tommy Walker, a hardened criminal is at home eating fruit loops and watching the muffets when our dynamic team of sleuths barges in)

LASSITER: (pointing gun) You’re under arrest for the Murder of John Q Smith, Notary Public at large.

TOMMY: I didn’t kill him. He just died shortly after our Notary appointment.

SHAWN: Ah-ha, but your Notary appointment yielded no actual notarization. Or did it. Wait a second… I”m getting something (see’s notarized form in the bag) I see a … win a trip for two to Disney Land…

GUS: Shawn!

SHAWN: Oh, sorry, no… check right behind the Disneyland document and you will find the incriminating document. Yes… A falsified Power of Attorney with a classic missing page… The NNA warns people about that type of situation.

JULES: Oh my God Shawn. You’re right. This Notarization was dated several days ago, but the ink is still fresh.

SHAWN: Caught… in the act. And… we happen to have access to this Notary’s Notary journal which has no record of your transaction on May 5th, “el cinco de Mayo” of the Power of Attorney in question. Which proves that either the Notary kept lousy records, or that you faked the notarization. We’ll have to take the form to the lab so that Woody can inspect the ink for aging.

TOMMY: Okay, I did it. I stole the Notary’s seal, but I didn’t kill him. The killer

SHAWN: Or “Killizz”

TOMMY: is STILL at large. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy. In the mean time… hello travelocity.

JULES: Not so fast. We have the right to detain you until we resolve this.

GUS: Good thing this Notary kept good records because many Notaries on 123notary don’t think they need to keep a journal since their state doesn’t require it. And the ones in California who are required, don’t understand that each document and signature require their own journal entry. You can’t just put them all on the same line and expect that to be a legal record.

SHAWN: How do you know all this?

GUS: Because I used to be a commissioned Notary Public for the state of California, County of Santa Barbara — thank you very much for asking.

SHAWN: Oh cool, so can you notarize my stuffed penguin I’ve had since childhood?

GUS: You never had a stuffed penguin.

SHAWN : Did too, you just never saw it.

GUS: Where did you keep it?

LASSITER: Gentlemen, let’s be done with this inconsequential rambling and get to the task at hand. We need to take Tommy into custody and then question him. Meanwhile, we need to see Woody to see what the autopsy reveals.

WOODY: Hmmm, I’ve checked the body thoroughly and it seems that the Notary was administered a tiny amount of poison that would make him drowsy for just the amount of time it would take Tommy to borrow the Notary’s seal, stamp a document, return the seal and then leave. Tommy probably figured the Notary wouldn’t suspect a thing. HOWEVER, since the Notary had an allergy to some of the chemicals in the poison, the Notary died on the spot. Although the death was accidental, the poisoning was not.

LASSITER: Involuntary manslaughter. Tommy will get a much shorter sentence. A petty crime gone wrong.

SHAWN: Couldn’t the Notary die on an x, or on a dotted line instead of on the spot. Wouldn’t that be cooler.

GUS: Shawn! A notary can’t die on an x marks the spot. That’s ridiculous. He could die on a chair.

SHAWN: Or a gezebo. Or … wait a second, or a pagoda. But, that would probably only be a Japanese Notary.

GUS: Unless it was an American tourist Notary who was on vacation in a place where there are pagodas.

SHAWN: True, but would the American Notary carry their seal with them to Osaka to a pagoda and then just die there?

GUS: I don’t know. But, the Notary seal might drop out of his bag while he was bowing. When Americans bow, they bow too low. Japanese bow just a little bit — just the right amount.

SHAWN: How do you know so much about bowing?

GUS: I studied Hokkaido style karate — that is how I know. And if you studied that too, the knowledge would come from within you.

SHAWN: Right now the only thing coming from within me is an intense desire to eat a pineapple. Wanna share one?

GUS: Okay!

LASSITER: You guys are both insane. But, we cracked the case and we can all go home now, except for Tommy who’s going to do some real time.

SHAWN: Yes, unless he also finds a way to backdate his prison sentence!

.

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