Psych Episode — custom’s agent is dead, but who is the killer?
SHAWN: We have a new assignment. But, we might need Lassie’s help.
GUS: I hate working with him, that arrogant prick.
SHAWN: But, we need him. We work well together. A custom’s agent is dead. It is up to us to find the killer. But, it’s still unclear how he died and who killed him if anyone.
(Shawn and Gus go to see Woody for the autopsy)
WOODY: Still working on it. Oh, wait.
SHAWN: Wait a second (putting finger to his head), I’m getting something. Yes, I’m definitely getting something. The spirits are telling me something. The custom’s agent did not die peacefully… he was injected with something, but what?
WOODY: Here it is. His inner thigh has needle marks. He could have been poisoned. I’ll have to send a sample to the lab.
GUS: Meanwhile, we need to investigate. We need to know who the last several people were to have seen Mike Williams, the custom’s agent.
(three hours later after seeing some police investigation files)
SHAWN: The last person to see the custom’s agent was Anatoly Kruscionov, a known mafia henchman. My senses are telling me he is the killer.
GUS: Don’t you mean Kruschevnov?
SHAWN: No, it’s Kruscionov.
GUS: Shawn, I’m pretty sure it’s Kruschevnov, I know the name..
SHAWN: What are you eating?
GUS: Cheeze bits.
SHAWN: They look more like Cheetos.
GUS: That’s because that’s what you want to eat right now. It’s psychosematic.
SHAWN: No, you’re psychosematic.
GUS: I am not!
SHAWN: Are too!
LASSITER: Gentlemen. May I disrupt your valuable dialogue here for a moment? Anatoly Kruscionov is leaving the country in three hours. We absolutely have to get to his office before his limo picks him up. We haven’t a minute to spare.
(all three get in the car and rush to Anatoly’s office)
NOTARY: Now, please sign my journal right here? Hey, why are you looking at the other entries?
ANATOLY: I was only staring at the page. (jotting something down)
NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, what’s your sign?
ANATOLY: Me, I am Leo.
NOTARY: That’s not what your ID says, It says you were born in January — busted!!!!
ANATOLY: Hey you try to trick me. But, now I know address of guy who cheated me, I learned from your Notary journal, you lousy backstabbing Notary.
LASSITER: We are from the Santa Barbara Police Department and have a few questions for you.
ANATOLY: First of all, get out of here you lousy Notary. No travel fee for you. Next, Mr. Lassiter, I would love to speak to you, but I want to speak to Mr. Shawn Spencer…. alone.
SHAWN: Sorry, I never go anywhere without my sidekick Mr. Spock.
GUS: I’m not Spock, for the last time, my name is… Oh… Actually, who are we dealing with here. Hi, I’m Nelson Spock, pleased to meet you.
ANATOLY: (sends Lassiter out of room and locks the door.) Why do you fools chase me. Do you not know I am dangerous man?
SHAWN: We know, that’s why we came to see you. Danger excites us. We know that after you had a confrontation with Mike Williams, he ended up dead. You know, the custom’s officer. Could it be that he knew something about your operation that you did not want him to know?
ANATOLY: What operation?
SHAWN: Could it be that the twenty kilograms of heroine that are to be delivered in three days were discovered by Mike?
ANATOLY: How do you know this? That’s not supposed to come in for a week. Who told you?
GUS: You just did!
ANATOLY: You guys are dead. You tricked me. You and that Notary. Ugh… Now we play a little game. Put this gun to your head and pull trigger, otherwise my boys kills you.
SHAWN: He, this guy wants us to play Russian Roulette.
GUS: It’s not Russian Roulette unless the gun is a six shooter with one bullet in it. You don’t know how many bullets are in the gun.
SHAWN: Well if you don’t know how many bullets are in the gun, then it is Ukranian Show Down.
GUS: There’s no such thing as Ukranian Show Down!
SHAWN: Yes there is, I was reading about this online.
GUS: But, it’s not the same thing if someone has a gun to your head. Technically it’s still Russian Roulette
SHAWN: Is not
GUS: Is too, and that’s a far cry away from Siberian roulette which is a very different variation…
ANATOLY: ENOUGH!!!!!!! You two are idiots. But, you will be dead soon. Put gun to head… absolutnye idiot!!! Suca blatt!!!
SHAWN: Hey Woody, what’s up?
WOODY: It turns out that Mike was not murdered after all. He was a drug addict and he overdosed on regular Morphene. There are no other drugs in his system. Unless the killer knew he took morphene and wanted to make it look like an overdose.
SHAWN: Woody, we’re being held at gunpoint here, now is not a good time to….
SHAWN: We just found out that you are not the killer.
ANATOLY: I kill you any way.
(meanwhile Carlton Lassiter called for back up)
(HUGE CRASH — SBPD busts in)
LASSITER: Put your hands in the air. We have the place surrounded.
JULIET: No not you Shawn. Get over here.
SHAWN: Sorry, just an instinctive reflex.
NOTARY: Oh my God, look at all of the commotion. I would like to report that man. He is a very bad man and has a fake ID.
SHAWN: Oh, can you notarize something for Woody? An Affidavit of Autopsy?
NOTARY: I would, but my journal is being confiscated by the Secretary of State. They want to know about the criminal I notarized earlier today and also they think I am not keeping proper records.
JULIET: Let me see this… Oh my God? You didn’t put the document date? Such sloppy work. No wonder you are in trouble.
SHAWN: Hey Juliet, you aren’t supposed to look at that. It is under the exclusive care of the notary and must be kept under lock and key.
GUS: How come you know so much about Notary work.
SHAWN: I read, plus it’s always been an interest of mine. I heard that Notaries get to do jobs for interesting characters, many of whom are criminals like Johnny that British bloke we visited in jail.
GUS: The one who you imitated who knows where you live.
SHAWN: Good point. Maybe I should just stick to what I’m doing. And a tip for the Notary. Don’t go immediately home after this.
NOTARY: Why not, are Anatoly’s guys following me?
GUS: I think they are following all of us.
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