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January 12, 2018

Notary Jail

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 12:00 pm

I think that I am the first person to come up with this concept. Notary jail. Where Notaries go when they’ve been bad. But, most Notaries have been bad, they just didn’t get caught because their secretary of state’s don’t bother to enforce a single law. What is the point of having laws if you don’t enforce them?

If you forget to administer an Oath you should be sent to Notary jail and get booked. The first thing they will do is thumbprint you in their journal. Then, they will ask you if you take journal thumbprints. If you say, “My state doesn’t require that.” Then they will put you in solitary confinement. After all, an innocent person could be scammed out of everything they own and the culprit could run free simply because you didn’t take a thumbprint.

If you didn’t ID someone correctly, then a cell in the insane ward would be in order. Since you let John Smith sign as John W Smith, you will also not mind being around five people who are sure that they are Abraham Lincoln.

And then there are the people who don’t fill in certificates properly or send loose certificates in the mail. Tisk tisk. The staff at Notary jail will goof on your jail paperwork if you do that and you’ll be in for a long time.

Oh, and the food at Notary jail? Embossed flat bread sandwiches. You get that nice raised seal embossed pattern on every bite. Then they have a breakfast cereal called frosted mini-seals. Oh, and one more thing. They have soap shaped like a Notary seal. But, don’t drop the soap (or don’t drop the seal.)

And if they ask Notary questions in Notary jail, don’t talk back to the guards like you normally do to Jeremy. Just answer questions the way they were asked and you might get time off for good behavior.

.

Putting jails and hospitals into your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19266

Go to jail but DO collect $100
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15361

Do criminals deserve to be notarized?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2586

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December 15, 2017

He was on his way to a Notary appointment when….

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:08 am

For the last several years I have been looking for my black equivalent. Someone who is a brotha who is just like me in all ways. I lost home in ever finding this person until…

It was a few days ago. I was late to a Notary appointment and in line at Starbucks. I am addicted. I know. Too much sugar and caffeine, but we all have needs. And there he was.

He was wearing a gray t-shirt, blue jeans, and flip flops, just like me. He looked cynically at the croissants in the display and looked like he could stand to lose a few pounds.

I exclaimed — “I’ve done it — I have finally found my black equivalent. You are just like me in all ways.”

BRUTHA — “What????”

JEREMY: “We dress exactly the same way, have the same body type, you are my black equivalent!”

BRUTHA: “Because I’m wearing a gray t-shirt? Please. That don’t mean nothin’.”

JEREMY: “YES IT DOES — you’re the guy. I have been looking for my brutha of anotha culla for years now. And you’re it.”

BRUTHA: “You crazy man! (mumbling) White people. I’ll never figure them out…”

JEREMY: “So much for equivalents and racial equality. I guess you’re saying we’re not equal.”

BRUTHA: “You wanna see EQUAL? See this little blue packet that I’m putting in my coffee. That’s the only EQUAL I care about…. Please….”

(an hour later — Jeremy runs into another brutha, but this time is wearing a Russian fur hat.)

JEREMY: “I think we have another prospect. Yup, gray t-shirt, flip flops, ooh, even the same kind I wear from Adventure 16, and yes, of course Levi’s. Gotta have Levi’s unless you are going to a high end Notary appointment then wear business casual. Who am I kidding. HEY, you are my black equivalent. Look at us (standing next to him.)

IVAN: “You are right. (thick Russian accent.)

JEREMY: “Is that a Russian accent? Are you a black Russian?”

IVAN: “Yes, and I am your black equivalent. We fought for equality for years and I am glad to be your equal. Think of me as a COMRADE FROM ANOTHER MOMRAD.”

JEREMY: “All right. Strasnitzie (hello) my brutha! ”

IVAN: “Strasnitzie tavarich (hello), my main comrade.”

JEREMY: “But, it’s 90 degrees and you are wearing that Russian fur hat.”

IVAN: “Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh Hell Nyet…. HELL NYET!!!”

JEREMY: “You better not be late otherwise your grandmother might burn the Pyrogies.”

IVAN: “What did you say about my babushka?”

JEREMY: “Okay, I’m glad I met you. Tell your babushka or grandmother that I said hi. Dasvidaniya playuh!”

IVAN: “See you next time. Oh, and by the way, we prefer to be called — African American Russians, not Black Russians.”

JEREMY: “That is because your ancesters come from near the African American Sea near Armenia. My client and his Grant Deeds are waiting.”

IVAN: “You got that right!”

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You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy String
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=black-notaries-versus-white-notaries

Secretary of State Hacked by Russians
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19110

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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November 24, 2017

A Notary from Florida travels to India

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:53 am

A customer went to a Notary in Florida.

CUSTOMER: I need to be notarized. Can you notarize me?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Sure I can. I just need a document.

CUSTOMER: Here is the document.

FLORIDA NOTARY: You already signed it. I cannot notarize it.

CUSTOMER: That’s not what the law says. Notaries are required to know their state laws. And anyway, you can verify the signature when I sign your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But my state doesn’t require me to keep a journal.

CUSTOMER: What if I give you a fake ID, steal a million dollars from Fred’s house, and then disappear. You are the one who will be the suspect in court because you have no evidence to defend yourself. You became a Notary to make a few extra bucks and now look what happened.

FLORIDA NOTARY: I don’t think I feel comfortable notarizing you.

CUSTOMER: I don’t think I feel comfortable being notarized BY you.

(one month later)

Mr. FIBBS: My house was compromised and I’m out a million dollars. You were the Notary who notarized the transaction. The FBI is investigating and we need to see your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh, I don’t keep a journal because my state doesn’t require me to.

FBI: Mr. Florida Notary, please come with us. You are under arrest for identity fraud conspiracy.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But, I’m not in cahutz with anyone. I just notarized a document.

FBI: Yes, but without the journal and a journal thumbprint, you are covering up incriminating evidence which makes you look very suspicious which is why you are under arrest.

Mr. FIBBS: My life is ruined and all because of that damn Notary and the damn Florida Notary Division which doesn’t require the one thing that would have saved my finances — namely a journal with paw prints. Boo hoo hoo. I’ll be in a mess for at least a year and could end up homeless too.

(two days later after paying bail.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, my son needs a new kidney and the only place I can get one is in India. I’ll book our flights today and hope I get back in time for my court appearance as a suspect in an identity fraud ring.

RAHUL: Yes, Ms. Frieda Florida Notary Public. We can have your kidney which you have been on a list for two years come in on Friday. It will be no problem. You will need to show up at that Rajeev Gandhi National Hospital in Bangalore on the 3rd. Will that be okay?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Yes, that will be fine.

TAXI DRIVER: Where are you going?

FLORIDA NOTARY: We are going to the Rajeev Gandhi Hospital in JP Nagar in Bangalore.

TAXI DRIVER: That will be 80 rupees. Meter broken.

(ten minutes later there was a terrible crash.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, we’ve been in a deadly car crash since we were dodging that elephant to the right and that ox to the left. My son is dead. And this cab has no seatbelts. You Mr. Taxi Driver are responsible for my son’s death because there are no seatbelts in this vehicle.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh no, you see in India, we are not LEGALLY REQUIRED to have seatbelts. So, you see it is not my fault. Accidents happen, what can you do?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Now my life is ruined because of that damned taxi driver and the damned Indian government for not requiring thumbprints.

(coincidentally, the driver carrying the kidney was in the car that crashed into Florida Notary and was also killed because he too was not wearing a seatbelt, and the kidney went flying out the window and ended up on the back of an elephant.)

TAXI DRIVER: Yes, Mr. pharmacist, I need some holistic remedy to a bug infestation in my house. What do you recommend?

PHARMACIST: There is tea tree oil. It is not expensive and microscopic insects are often killed from it.

(the taxi driver uses the tea tree oil and has a horrible reaction to it that ends him up in the hospital for two days.)

TAXI DRIVER: Hey, that oil you sold me is toxic to humans and you did not warn me.

PHARMACIST: The government of India, and coincidentally America does not regulate this type of products. You buy at your own risk.

(meanwhile Mr. Fibbs and his wife move to India since they lost almost all of their money in the identity theft and get exactly the same taxi driver that the Florida Notary did.)

Mr. FIBBS: Taxi! We are going to the Himalayas to live. We lost almost all our money because of this damn Notary. Can you believe it?”

TAXI DRIVER: Was she about 5’10”, dark hair and really annoying, with a thick Florida accent?

Mr. FIBBS: Yes, that was her. Why. Do you know her?

TAXI DRIVER: Never seen her in my life. No just kidding. She was in our car when a bus came out of nowhere and I had to swerve to the left and there was a terrible accident. This type of thing happens a lot in India. Maybe I’m telling you too much.

Mr. FIBBS: Well that woman deserves to die.

TAXI DRIVER: Funny that you mention that. And by the way, what do you do for a living?

Mr. FIBBS: I give investment advice.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, I know somebody who needs advice at the pharmacy.

PHARMACIST: Yes, Mr. Fibbs. I am wanting to know, which US stocks are you liking?

Mr. FIBBS: You could pick a good index fund, but my favorite is Cola Cola stock. They have a good business model and solid management. I would put most of my money in that stock if I only bought one stock.

PHARMACIST: You saved my life.

(two weeks later coca-cola stock crashes, Mr. Fibbs and his wife decide it is better to be paupers in America then live in India under any circumstances and our characters all meet again.)

PHARMACIST: Mr. Fibbs. You are back. But, I have lost all my money. Coca-Cola stock crashed. You have given me very bad advice. Very very bad advice. You are a very very bad man.

Mr. FIBBS: First of all, Coca-Cola is a very solid company. But, you can’t buy a stock and sell it on a whim under unfavorable circumstances or you could lose your money with any stock. And second, I am NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED to back my investment advice. It is just an opinion and not an intrinsic truth. I am not a psychic.

PSYCHIC: Did someone call? I can tell you your future. You will be broke and die in misery. 50 rupees please. I need a new turban. This one makes me look fat.

ALL WATCHING: Get lost!!!!

PHARMACIST: You ruined my life. You damned investment advisor and your damn American laws not requiring that you take responsibility for what you tell people.

TAXI DRIVER: Well you almost ended my life with that tea tree oil without a warning.

FLORIDA NOTARY: (who came out of nowhere) well you ended my son’s life because you didn’t bother having seatbelts. It wouldn’t kill you to invest a thousand rupees to save someone’s life.

Mr. FIBBS: Well you ruined my finances by not having a journal. It costs $15 to have a journal and another $16 to get a thumbprinter from the NNA. I know this because I was so upset with you that I decided to become a Notary. But instead of being a shoddy Notary, I decided to become the most thorough Notary in the world besides Jeremy at 123notary.com who by the way is an ex-Notary, but a very thorough ex-Notary.

TAXI DRIVER: I guess we all ruined each others lives. Perhaps it is our karma that we should meet under such unfortunate circumstances.

GURU: I have been observing this entire conversation and situation for the last month and it is in deed very karmically perplexing, complex and yet still deeply interesting. I have only one more thing to say.

TAXI DRIVER: What’s that?

GURU: Tag — you’re it!!!!!

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You might also like:

I was forced to forge my own signature in India
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19306

Indian Notaries having an arranged marriage
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19222

Notary Indian tandoori restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16497

30 minute Islamic prayer break at a signing & other stories
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16185

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November 10, 2017

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:09 am

There is a town in Virginia where there is a statue of Franklin Bends. Franklin was a Notary Public in his day and also had slaves. A group of leftists surrounded the statue and wanted to either vandalize it, or take it down entirely. Meanwhile another group called, Notary lives matter got word of this protest and went to defend the statue. Their argument was that this man was an important part of history even though he had committed some sins according to the modern way of thinking. The second argument was that five hundred years from now when there are statues of violent and irratic protesters, those statues will be knocked down because five hundred years from now they will be prejudiced against people do drugs, act crazy and destroy things.

The the protesters asked, “How do you know that?” The NLM leader said, “I just made that up — no just kidding, I asked my psychic.” Then the protesters asked, “Well how reliable is he?” NLM retored, “He’s accurate a lot of the time.” The head of the protesters asked, “Do you have his card or something. I need a psychic right now. My last one skipped town.” Then the NLM guy said, “I knew you were going to ask that… okay, I didn’t, but my psychic did, or at least I predict that he would.”

The NLM leaders said that destroying the statue would not change the past, or improve the future — it would just be an act of destruction and erasing our history and heritage. Can you imagine a world where history has been twisted or completely erased? Would you want to live in that type of world? History could not repeat itself because it wouldn’t have happened yet, plus there would be one less category on Jeopardy.

Then the protesters explained that we already lived in that type of world because history is taught from the point of view of the people who won wars, and that Native Americans are always represented as savage fighters or helpless victims simply because that is the only information the historians had on them. If the Native Americans had written history, they would have shown life as normal and then Custer coming out of nowhere and destroying them.

NLM rebutted that the protesters had a good point but were digressing, but not regressing. NLM decided that they would compromise by having the protesters create a statue of protesters protesting the statue of the Notary instead of smashing things down. The protesters agreed and so did the birds (tweet tweet) who were protesting that there were no transgender statues for them to go to the bathroom on — an interesting twist on transgender Avian bathrooms.

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You might also like:

Finding your roots — Notary edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19694

Notary speaker offends college students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19395

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

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November 3, 2017

Notary Sexual Harassment Issues

Many lady Notaries are afraid to go to a single man’s house for obvious reasons. But, the type of harrassment in this blog article will surprise even you guys who read my blogs regularly. Here are some bizarre situations that would happen.

The client wanted to get it on with the Notary. The Notary was offended, but NOT because the client wanted to get it on with him, but because the client wanted to do it do it with him and his stamp. The Notary said, “I’m not into that!”

The next situation involves the Notary chasing a woman around a desk (sounds like a Hindi movie) to get her signature. The woman resists because she claims she doesn’t know the Notary well enough to sign his journal. Sounds like a Beetles song, “Baby let me sign your journal.”

The last situation happened with Will from Will and Grace. Will had a male Notary who was straight who was offended because of how Will kept talking about how he wanted to be Notarized. Will: “Oh, NOTARIZE me, STAMP me, STAMP me all night long. Oh, whip out that embosser. Oh, you… Do you want me to SIGN something? I want to SIGN your BOOK. Oh please let me sign your book! Are you going to hold my thumb when we do journal thumbprints?” Then the Notary said, “Oh, my state doesn’t require thumbprints.” Then Will said, “in that case, you’re fired, but before I fire you, are you going to stamp me for approval?”

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You might also like:

Compilation of posts about Notary dating & romance
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17451

The Sexting Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19727

Don’t have unprotected Notarizations
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19467

The sexist Notary Dentist
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16513

You will be all alone with me
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3430

The Mannequin Signer
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3178

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October 22, 2017

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct?

Some people like to be politically correct and use all of the correct language that the neo-marxists want to control us into using. Some of us go around pushing our semantic preferences on others which gets very offensive after a while. The Notary community has been affected by this political correctness too.

We used to have only Oaths, but now we have Affirmations to please the unbelievers as well as those who are ultra-religious and don’t believe in swearing. The problem is that Notaries are so intimidated by the people who are anti-swearing that Notaries deliver Affirmation verbiage when you ask for specifically for an Oath because they are afraid to offend you. I am very offended that you did NOT mention swear in my Oath? I fail people on quizzes because they omit the word, “swear.” If someone doesn’t want to swear do an Affirmation, but you cannot mix and match notary verbiages and procedures. In an Affirmation you affirm, in an Oath you swear. Anthing different would be like a pimp with a health plan. There I go again! I meant to say Pimp-American and we can no longer say health plan but most say PPO, or HMO, or for pimps they now have a PMPO. The bottom line is that the leftist politically correct people have taken over, we have lost our freedom of speech, and most Notaries don’t know their Notary acts at all which is a disaster. The only people who can come to our defense include Bill Meyer and Family Guy!

But, what about being Notarially Correct? Is there such a thing and should there be? To be politically correct when someone orders their coffee black, you ask, “Don’t you mean African-American?”

You certify an acknowledged signature
But, when you Acknowledge a signature as a Notary, what you really mean is that you Certify and Acknowledged signature — and no, it is not just semantics. Because it is not the Notary who acknowledged the signature, it is the signer who acknowledges, the Notary certifies and notarizes.

You got your Notary commission
Many ignorant and notarially incorrect people say, “I just got my Notary.” or “I just got my certificate.” What they mean is that they just received the certificate that certifies them as a state commissioned Notary. The more NC way of saying this is, “I just received my Notary commission.”

Are you a Notary Public?
Some people ask if you are a Notary Republic, a Noterary, or a Notarizer. How ignorant can you get? A Notary Public is a public servant who does Notary work. They work for the public and hence have the term public in their name. A Notary Public may not turn down a legal request from the public otherwise they would be a Notary Private. And you are not a nation, so you are not a Notary Republic any more than Banana Republic is a Republic although I love their button down tropical shirts!

Send me an acknowledgment certificate
Some people say, “Hey, send me a Jurat in the mail.” This sounds like an illegal request. But, if they mean an acknowledgment certificate they better get their terms straight. The two notary acts are not the same.

Filling in your journal the wrong way is also not notarially correct. The correct and thorough methodology is one journal entry per person per document and include additional notes about the signer and a thumbprint. Your state might not require it but the judge who you will be facing will appreciate your prudency and so will 123notary!

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You might also like:

Compilation of posts about Notary & Politics
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20357

A Notary guest speaker gets harassed by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Comedy Central Notary Roast
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17462

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September 15, 2017

Psych Notary Episode

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very),Popular Overall,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:54 pm

There is a sit-com on Ion television that you can sometimes get on other cable stations called Psych. It’s about a psychic Shawn Spencer and his sidekick Burton Guster. In any case, the psychic is a fake half the time who sees real clues that nobody else saw him see and then pretends to have a vision.

In this episode, a Notary is found dead and his stamp is found missing. The detectives arrive on the scene.

LASSITER: The body is dead — and it’s cold. It could have been lying here for a good seven to ten hours in my estimate. The cause of death seems unclear.

JULES: Let’s take the body to the lab and see if there is any sign of food poisoning. The victim seems to be a Notary Public, and you know how those type of people are — you know — eating on the road on the run.

SHAWN: You’re right. He might have eaten a poisoned fish filet or….wait a second, I’m getting something… (puts his right two fingers to his head) This MAN, did not die from accidental food poisoning (pause)… he was murdered.

LASSITER: You and your unsubstantiated hunches. I just can’t stand it. And what’s worse is that you’re right more than half the time.

SHAWN: Some people say that I’m talented. Oh, and I’m sorry about your tragic breakup.

LASSITER: Yeah… so am I. I really fell for her.

SHAWN: Don’t despair Lassie, there are other fish in the sea… and coral, particularly Staghorn coral.. and sometimes Pillar coral, and it really sucks when that filmy type of algae gets stuck on the coral.. hmmm. I wonder how that happens. But, I digress. My point is that I’m sure you’ll find someone else.

GUS: Yeah… You’ll find someone. Algae on coral? Ain’t no algae on coral.

SHAWN: I’ve seen it. At least half a dozen times.

GUS: Where?

SHAWN: Snorkeling

GUS: Since when do you snorkel?

SHAWN: I snorkel… Why, you didn’t think I snorkeled? I’m a snorkeler. And I can communicate with fish too. Watch this (puts face near the fish tank and blows bubbles in the air) bubble bubble bubble… See. I told you. I am all about the sea.

JULES: Well, we’ll have to inspect the scene thoroughly and then round up some suspects. Hmm. It seems that this man is a Notary, yet his Notary seal seems to be missing. Perhaps this Notary was murdered to cover up a botched notarization.

LASSITER: Or perhaps the Notary had an exclusive contract with his boss, and his boss found out….

SHAWN: That the Notary was cheating on him… I think you’re projecting, Lassie. Your ex-girlfriend.

LASSITER: She never cheated on me! She was arrested for conspiracy.

SHAWN: Sure she didn’t. I understand. We need to know who the last one who was in the room was — and that man (or woman) will be… the killer.

GUS: What if there were two of them.

SHAWN: Okay… I’m getting something. (puts right fingers to side of head). I know who the killer is… or should I say… “Killizz”

LASSITER: According to this security footage, a well known gangster named Tommy Walker was the last man to come here.

SHAWN: Wait a second, I recognize those finger tattoos. Put them all together, one one hand is says love, and on the other hand’s fingers it says hate. And mom told me not to use four letter words. The killer had a document missing a page and the Notary refused to sign it. So, the killer murdered the Notary, stole the Notary’s stamp and backdated the notarization so that it would APPEAR to have been done long before the murder even though it would not be recorded until after because of some last minute travel arrangements gone bad.

JULES: How do you come up with this?

SHAWN: I have a natural gift.

(Meanwhile the main suspect Tommy Walker, a hardened criminal is at home eating fruit loops and watching the muffets when our dynamic team of sleuths barges in)

LASSITER: (pointing gun) You’re under arrest for the Murder of John Q Smith, Notary Public at large.

TOMMY: I didn’t kill him. He just died shortly after our Notary appointment.

SHAWN: Ah-ha, but your Notary appointment yielded no actual notarization. Or did it. Wait a second… I”m getting something (see’s notarized form in the bag) I see a … win a trip for two to Disney Land…

GUS: Shawn!

SHAWN: Oh, sorry, no… check right behind the Disneyland document and you will find the incriminating document. Yes… A falsified Power of Attorney with a classic missing page… The NNA warns people about that type of situation.

JULES: Oh my God Shawn. You’re right. This Notarization was dated several days ago, but the ink is still fresh.

SHAWN: Caught… in the act. And… we happen to have access to this Notary’s Notary journal which has no record of your transaction on May 5th, “el cinco de Mayo” of the Power of Attorney in question. Which proves that either the Notary kept lousy records, or that you faked the notarization. We’ll have to take the form to the lab so that Woody can inspect the ink for aging.

TOMMY: Okay, I did it. I stole the Notary’s seal, but I didn’t kill him. The killer

SHAWN: Or “Killizz”

TOMMY: is STILL at large. We’ll have to wait for the autopsy. In the mean time… hello travelocity.

JULES: Not so fast. We have the right to detain you until we resolve this.

GUS: Good thing this Notary kept good records because many Notaries on 123notary don’t think they need to keep a journal since their state doesn’t require it. And the ones in California who are required, don’t understand that each document and signature require their own journal entry. You can’t just put them all on the same line and expect that to be a legal record.

SHAWN: How do you know all this?

GUS: Because I used to be a commissioned Notary Public for the state of California, County of Santa Barbara — thank you very much for asking.

SHAWN: Oh cool, so can you notarize my stuffed penguin I’ve had since childhood?

GUS: You never had a stuffed penguin.

SHAWN : Did too, you just never saw it.

GUS: Where did you keep it?

LASSITER: Gentlemen, let’s be done with this inconsequential rambling and get to the task at hand. We need to take Tommy into custody and then question him. Meanwhile, we need to see Woody to see what the autopsy reveals.

WOODY: Hmmm, I’ve checked the body thoroughly and it seems that the Notary was administered a tiny amount of poison that would make him drowsy for just the amount of time it would take Tommy to borrow the Notary’s seal, stamp a document, return the seal and then leave. Tommy probably figured the Notary wouldn’t suspect a thing. HOWEVER, since the Notary had an allergy to some of the chemicals in the poison, the Notary died on the spot. Although the death was accidental, the poisoning was not.

LASSITER: Involuntary manslaughter. Tommy will get a much shorter sentence. A petty crime gone wrong.

SHAWN: Couldn’t the Notary die on an x, or on a dotted line instead of on the spot. Wouldn’t that be cooler.

GUS: Shawn! A notary can’t die on an x marks the spot. That’s ridiculous. He could die on a chair.

SHAWN: Or a gezebo. Or … wait a second, or a pagoda. But, that would probably only be a Japanese Notary.

GUS: Unless it was an American tourist Notary who was on vacation in a place where there are pagodas.

SHAWN: True, but would the American Notary carry their seal with them to Osaka to a pagoda and then just die there?

GUS: I don’t know. But, the Notary seal might drop out of his bag while he was bowing. When Americans bow, they bow too low. Japanese bow just a little bit — just the right amount.

SHAWN: How do you know so much about bowing?

GUS: I studied Hokkaido style karate — that is how I know. And if you studied that too, the knowledge would come from within you.

SHAWN: Right now the only thing coming from within me is an intense desire to eat a pineapple. Wanna share one?

GUS: Okay!

LASSITER: You guys are both insane. But, we cracked the case and we can all go home now, except for Tommy who’s going to do some real time.

SHAWN: Yes, unless he also finds a way to backdate his prison sentence!

.

You might also like:

Best Virtual Comedy Compilation Updated 2018
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

See our string of Psych episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=psych

Psychic – Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19126

Suicide – Notary Suicide Hotline
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September 8, 2017

Notary speaker offends college students

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In — admin @ 11:53 pm

A Notary is hired to do a speech for college students in Berkeley. But, everything he says offends them.

NOTARY: Welcome class. Today I am here to speak of the duties of the Notary Public. A notary is appointed by the Secretary of State or Notary division in the prospective Notary’s respective state.

SUZIE: Like… Notaries should be able to do whatever they want man… Screw the rules.

NOTARY: Well, if you ignore the rules, you could end up losing your commission and ending up in jail

JACK: That’s fascist man… Not fair. Let’s throw things!!!!!

NOTARY: I’ll call for police back up if you throw one thing.

JACK: I knew you were on their side. You’re a rightist extremist!!!

SUZIE: So, what about women. Do women have equal opportunities in the Notary world or is there a glass ceiling like in the rest of the world where we have “equal” opportunities.

NOTARY: Actually, now that you mention it, the reason for the pay gap between men and women in jobs at large worldwide stems from the fact that women work three hours less per week than men — assuming they work at all. Additionally, men are more willing to do dirty, dangerous, technical and otherwise unpleasant work while women prefer to do work that is more socially gratifying, involving people, healing, children, and that lead to a balanced life even if it pays less. The result is that women have more balanced lives but get paid less. If you compare apples to apples for women and men with the same amount of experience, neither of whom take a maternity leave and work the same amount of hours and with the same vigor and skill level, women actually get paid slightly more than men.

SUZIE: Bullshit!!!! That’s sexist! Let’s start a riot!!!!

NOTARY: I have the police on speed dial if you can’t control yourself.

JACK: This guy’s a fascist — let’s get the noise maker and drown him out so he can’t be heard!!!!

NOTARY: I am here for your benefit so you will do better in the real world. If you want to undermine that opportunity, that hurts you, not me.

FRANK: Good point. I think we need to listen instead of antagonizing the Notary, even if that means compromising our “values” of attacking anyone we falsely accuse of being right wing, unfair or fascist when we are the ones who are unfair fascists of a left-wing variety.

SUZIE: You said it!! Wait a second. Could you repeat that?

NOTARY: Yes, by preventing people from speaking by force you are imposing a vigilante style neo-marxist fascism. If more people did that, we would all lose our freedom of speech just like in many other countries — which would be bad, unless it was only you guys losing your freedom of speech as well as the freedom to throw things which is considered a felony.

FRANK: I’m in your boat on this one. Or on the wagon. Or… I just quit smoking so, maybe I’m off the wagon. Not sure…. Go on!

NOTARY: A Notary’s job includes Acknowledging signatures, administering Oaths, taking Jurats, and sometimes a few other tasks, but those are the main three. Official acts can vary from state to state, but all states have Acknowledgments, Jurats, and Oaths.

JACK: You mean like Quaker Oaths?

NOTARY: No, Jack, an Oath is where you raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth like when they swore in Donald… bad example, like how they would have sworn in Hillary Clinton had the election not been rigged.

FRANK: Traitor!!!

SUZIE: I had you all wrong. I LOVE you Mr. Notary. Would you date me? It would be like how Ross dated that college student on Friends.

NOTARY: Oh God. I’m just trying to appease the situation, but it seems I made an enemy out of Frank in the process. In any case, an Acknowledged signature is when a signer signs a document. They can take it later on to a Notary and have the Notary fill out a form stating they acknowledge signing the document. They do not have to sign in the presence of the Notary, but do need to show ID and personally show up in front of the Notary. A Jurat requires the signer to sign in front of the Notary and swear to the truthfulness of the document.

SUZIE: How romantic. It sounds like getting married. By the way, you have pretty blue eyes!

JACK: I do!!!

NOTARY: Sometimes a Notary will need credible witnesses to swear in a signer who doesn’t have an ID.

FRANK: Wait… credible what-nisses?

NOTARY: Witnesses

FRANK: Are you doing something criminal where there are witnesses? Do you have a witness protection program?

NOTARY: Honestly, you people are such a bunch of dumb-asses!!!

JACK: Ha ha ha… That’s what I think to. I’m around this type of behavior so much I don’t even notice it. It’s like being in the 8th grade perpetually, except in the 8th grade I didn’t understand the meaning of perpetual.

SUZIE: Yeah, neither did I. I thought a perpetual was a pervert.

NOTARY: They could be… Or they could be a perpetrator. Anyway…Now this is a Notary Journal. The signer has to sign the document as well as the Notary journal right here….

JACK: Woah… Can I sign?

SUZIE: Yeah, I wanna sign too!!!

FRANK: Aren’t you supposed to have a document being Notarized to sign this? Signing the journal is not just for fun. Let’s be serious. Oh wait… Is that the fee section? How much do you dudes get paid? I need a career when I get out of this joint.

NOTARY: Notaries now make $15 per signature. If you have ten signatures to notarize in an hour, you can give a discount or make up to $150.

JACK: Wow, I make $9.25 per hour, that’s like what I make in an hour in a half. I’m becoming a Notary. Can you be a felon and still become a Notary?

NOTARY: No..

JACK: Good, that will weed out the competition — cuz, like, I’m not a felon. I don’t even look like one.

NOTARY: Well that’s the main thing, isn’t it!

SUZIE: I had you so wrong. I love you Notary man! Oh… I’m going back home to write a song about blue eyed Notary man… How I dream of Notary man.

NOTARY: It was nice meeting you all. Here is my card in case you ever need a Notary, or in your case a date who is twice your age. But, as they say — age is just a number.

SUZIE: And Notary fees are just a number that will help when you take me out to a French Cafe called Le Jurat!

NOTARY: It’s a date. Don’t tell the Dean of students. He’ll crucify me.

SUZIE: If he does, we’ll riot and he knows that. He has his hands tied. This place is run by anarchists, not the Dean.

JACK: Yup!!!! And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

FRANK: Speak for yourself!
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Affirmations — pleasing the politically correct while offending traditional folks.
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Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct?
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August 3, 2017

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

TEACHER: Hello class. We are gathered here today to talk about Notary terms, and the state Notary manual. But, first I would like to ask what the manual means to you.

SHELLY: I see a short book designed to teach the Notaries of tomorrow the rules of the road in order to safeguard the integrity of notarized transactions which protects society at large in a broader sense.

TEACHER: Very good Shelly! And very wonky.

KIM JONG “AKA Korean mom”: It’s so very difficult to understand. Half the terms don’t show up in my English-Korean dictionary. What a pain! I have to use my English dictionary and then translate the words in the definition into Korean to figure it out. How will I pass my test? I tried to use that as an excuse to get out of jury duty but they chose me anyway until they found out I didn’t understand any of the legal terms they used! Like “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

TEACHER: Okay, just let me know if there are any terms that I can explain to you. I may not understand Korean, but I can break the complicated terms down in an understandable way.

SHALONDA: I see three things. (1) I see a technical manual that teaches the state & civil laws affecting Notaries public, and more that could help Notaries deter fraud, keep transactions official, and keep paperwork straight. (2) A book that teaches the how-to of doing daily Notary work and (3) A book full of new names for black people to name their kids — you know what I’m saying?

TEACHER: Well, I hadn’t thought about it like that before.

SHALONDA: Oh yeah. I named my kids after Notary terms several years ago. Jurat and Venue… that’s short for Venuetta.

SHELLY: Do you swear under Oath you named your kid Jurat?

SHALONDA: I most certainly do (raising her right hand). But, Jurat is more of a jokester. He doesn’t have a solemn bone in his body. The tread on his boots is shaped like a Notary seal, and he was playing outside after it was raining. It looked like we had impressions of notary seals all through the house. I told him to take his boots off after that.

SHELLY: All of this studying for the Notary exam is tiring. I heard that reading too much can be bad for your eyesight. No wonder Trump doesn’t need glasses.

KIM JONG: I know. That’s why my kid Myong is forbidden to study more than six hours a night. We are recommending dropping his study time from seven hours to five hours and forty-five minutes with the last forty-five minutes mostly study-oriented games, songs or something where he is not staring at a book or computer.

SHELLY: Well we were going to increase Tommy’s study time from forty minutes to an hour and twenty minutes after we found out how hard college is. But, we don’t want him to ruin his eyes, so we’ll compromise at seventy minutes a day.

KIM JONG: How will he possibly compete with those studying five hours a day?

SHELLY’s HUSBAND: She has a point. Tommy will never survive in college unless he studies more. What he does now will affect him for the rest of his life. And if he does poorly in school like my brother, then he might get stuck driving a garbage truck for the rest of his life. Or an Uber.

SHELLY: Or worse — he might have to become a Notary. What has four wheels and flies?

SHALONDA: Ooh! I know this one! A garbage truck.

KIM JONG: No, that’s the junior high version of the joke! The answer in this context is a Notary who is late to a signing because he would be driving so fast!

SHALONDA: Good point. Not funny point, but good. But, honestly, to be a Notary you need to study too. In some states you need to study at least 30 hours to pass the Notary test and then another 30 hours to be a good signing agent. This profession isn’t for jokes — that is if you want to succeed in it. And by the way, you should say what has four wheels and screeches, because when you round those corners, you’re gonna be screeching those tires, girl.

TEACHER: Well class, we do seem to be diverging now don’t we. Being a Notary is a very honorable and noble profession and not for those who lack character. No wonder Trump was never a Notary.

SHALONDA: But, it is for those who lack a high school diploma. There is no educational standard for this job other than passing a test. California, Louisiana and New York make the test hard. But, the other states will just hand out seals to any fool who applies. Like Presidential Seals. Where’s the nobility in that?

TEACHER: Good point. Well, in theory it is supposed to be noble.

SHELLY: Theory doesn’t cut it when a clueless Notary assists a fraud in stealing the Title to your house.

TEACHER: You’re right. Maybe having a longer course than our six hour course would help. Perhaps a background screening too not just for being a signing agent, but for being a Notary.

SHALONDA: In California, the FBI, DOJ, and KGB all check us, but in these other states there doesn’t seem to be a system of checks and balances.

KIM JONG: Perhaps, being a Notary should be regulated federally instead of by a bunch of irresponsible states who can’t keep anything straight. And that wasn’t a reference to the gay parts of California.

TEACHER: Well perhaps you’re right. In any case, let’s practice notarizing a Jurat.

SHALONDA: You’re going to notarize my daughter?

.



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Honey you can kiss my app
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Best virtual notary comedy compilation updated to 2018
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July 7, 2017

5 New Official Notary Acts

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 8:50 am

My comedy writer and I decided that the existing Notary acts are boring, and that we should create some new and more interesting ones. So, here they are!

Notary Ax – For New Yorkers who can’t pronounce “notary acts.”

Adjustment: Swearing you signed the document on a certain date, but you wrote down the wrong date and it needs to be adjusted. If your notary is a chiropractor, you go for multiple adjustments. If your notary is a nude chiropractor, there are other cracks that have nothing to with adjustments.

Wine Certification – Certifying that a wine is good during a wine tasting. A particular wine had two notes but no closing disclosure, because the cork broke so they couldn’t close the bottle. Was it the wine that had a lot of notes, or the mortgage? Both.

Marriage Officiation – The form has to have room for both parties to sign. He and she. Or he and he. Or she and she. Thanks to the hes and shes on the Supreme Court who went for the hes and hes and shes and shes. Why was the lady’s mother pleased she married a mortgage broker? He had many good points.

Divorce Officiation – Where the notary executes a document to prevent the he and she, or he and he, or she and she, from executing each other.

Disavowment – A notary act where you swear you didn’t sign a document. “That’s not my signature. I didn’t sign that. It doesn’t even look like my signature. A bad forger must have did that!” “What happens when a forger gets his signature forged? Does that make it valid?”

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Interesting and uncommon Notary acts
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=483

Comedic guide to notary pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid)
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18941

Are you a Yes-tary or a No-tary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16626

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