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October 14, 2018

INDEX — Best Notary Comedy Articles 2010 to 2014

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Compilations — admin @ 11:42 pm

These posts are in order of popularity and quality.

.

Funniest things that happen to signing agents
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=55

The signing from hell
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=765

A social media site for Notaries — Affiant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6410

Seinfeld episode about a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10208

Notary Apps for the iPhone 7 you’ve never dreamed of
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10977

Vampire Notaries: 24 hour service
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4094

3 Notaries walk into a bar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3660

Family Guy — Peter joins ISIS by mistake & needs Notarized conversion
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10507

Notary accidentally gets arrested for robbing a bank?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6541

The Notary, The Mafia & The Fedex Drop Box
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6867

My Date with Jeremy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4473

Signing with Invisible Ink
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9688

Two and a half Notaries! A Notarization experience
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8974

If a pizza can get there in 30 minutes or less, why not a notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8699

If you are a VIP Notary, read this!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9235

Signs you are a Notary workaholic
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8935

Witnessing intake forms for Notary Heaven
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8832

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Notarizing a girl’s phone number at a bar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8781

The Signing and the Mistress
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8377

Honey, I notarizd the kids
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7030

Getting acupuncture for notarial schlerosis
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7160

Two and a Half Notaries — detering Notary fraud
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10452

Notary Cheers: Sammy gets a name change form notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10016

The Mannequin Signer
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3178

Two Notaries assigned the same job
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1060

The Alaska Real Estate Broker & The Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6623

Is this man a Notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10171

A 2nd date with Jeremy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7074

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July 20, 2018

What is a four letter word you have to use in the presence of a Notary?

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:51 am

Here are some questions to jog your memory.

What is a four letter word you use in the presence of a Notary that you don’t use in an Acknowledgment?
Oath

What is a five letter word meaning to put your stamp’s impression on a piece of paper?
Affix

Which Notary act has no signature and no God?
Affirmation

Which Notary act does the principal signer not need to show up?
Proof of Execution

Which Notary act makes you prove that the principal signer was executed?
None, but sounds like a proof of execution.

Which Notary act does not required signing the document in the presence of the Notary Public?
Acknowledgment

Which Notary act has a signed document as well as an Oath or Affirmation?
Jurat

Which profession has their clients swear without using any profanity?
Notary Public

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May 25, 2018

Psych episode — busting the Russian Mafia with help of a Notary.

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:06 am

Psych Episode — custom’s agent is dead, but who is the killer?

SHAWN: We have a new assignment. But, we might need Lassie’s help.

GUS: I hate working with him, that arrogant prick.

SHAWN: But, we need him. We work well together. A custom’s agent is dead. It is up to us to find the killer. But, it’s still unclear how he died and who killed him if anyone.

(Shawn and Gus go to see Woody for the autopsy)

WOODY: Still working on it. Oh, wait.

SHAWN: Wait a second (putting finger to his head), I’m getting something. Yes, I’m definitely getting something. The spirits are telling me something. The custom’s agent did not die peacefully… he was injected with something, but what?

WOODY: Here it is. His inner thigh has needle marks. He could have been poisoned. I’ll have to send a sample to the lab.

GUS: Meanwhile, we need to investigate. We need to know who the last several people were to have seen Mike Williams, the custom’s agent.

(three hours later after seeing some police investigation files)

SHAWN: The last person to see the custom’s agent was Anatoly Kruscionov, a known mafia henchman. My senses are telling me he is the killer.

GUS: Don’t you mean Kruschevnov?

SHAWN: No, it’s Kruscionov.

GUS: Shawn, I’m pretty sure it’s Kruschevnov, I know the name..

SHAWN: What are you eating?

GUS: Cheeze bits.

SHAWN: They look more like Cheetos.

GUS: That’s because that’s what you want to eat right now. It’s psychosematic.

SHAWN: No, you’re psychosematic.

GUS: I am not!

SHAWN: Are too!

LASSITER: Gentlemen. May I disrupt your valuable dialogue here for a moment? Anatoly Kruscionov is leaving the country in three hours. We absolutely have to get to his office before his limo picks him up. We haven’t a minute to spare.

(all three get in the car and rush to Anatoly’s office)

NOTARY: Now, please sign my journal right here? Hey, why are you looking at the other entries?

ANATOLY: I was only staring at the page. (jotting something down)

NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, what’s your sign?

ANATOLY: Me, I am Leo.

NOTARY: That’s not what your ID says, It says you were born in January — busted!!!!

ANATOLY: Hey you try to trick me. But, now I know address of guy who cheated me, I learned from your Notary journal, you lousy backstabbing Notary.

LASSITER: We are from the Santa Barbara Police Department and have a few questions for you.

ANATOLY: First of all, get out of here you lousy Notary. No travel fee for you. Next, Mr. Lassiter, I would love to speak to you, but I want to speak to Mr. Shawn Spencer…. alone.

SHAWN: Sorry, I never go anywhere without my sidekick Mr. Spock.

GUS: I’m not Spock, for the last time, my name is… Oh… Actually, who are we dealing with here. Hi, I’m Nelson Spock, pleased to meet you.

ANATOLY: (sends Lassiter out of room and locks the door.) Why do you fools chase me. Do you not know I am dangerous man?

SHAWN: We know, that’s why we came to see you. Danger excites us. We know that after you had a confrontation with Mike Williams, he ended up dead. You know, the custom’s officer. Could it be that he knew something about your operation that you did not want him to know?

ANATOLY: What operation?

SHAWN: Could it be that the twenty kilograms of heroine that are to be delivered in three days were discovered by Mike?

ANATOLY: How do you know this? That’s not supposed to come in for a week. Who told you?

GUS: You just did!

SHAWN: Busted!!!!

ANATOLY: You guys are dead. You tricked me. You and that Notary. Ugh… Now we play a little game. Put this gun to your head and pull trigger, otherwise my boys kills you.

SHAWN: He, this guy wants us to play Russian Roulette.

GUS: It’s not Russian Roulette unless the gun is a six shooter with one bullet in it. You don’t know how many bullets are in the gun.

SHAWN: Well if you don’t know how many bullets are in the gun, then it is Ukranian Show Down.

GUS: There’s no such thing as Ukranian Show Down!

SHAWN: Yes there is, I was reading about this online.

GUS: But, it’s not the same thing if someone has a gun to your head. Technically it’s still Russian Roulette

SHAWN: Is not

GUS: Is too, and that’s a far cry away from Siberian roulette which is a very different variation…

ANATOLY: ENOUGH!!!!!!! You two are idiots. But, you will be dead soon. Put gun to head… absolutnye idiot!!! Suca blatt!!!

(ring-ring)

SHAWN: Hey Woody, what’s up?

WOODY: It turns out that Mike was not murdered after all. He was a drug addict and he overdosed on regular Morphene. There are no other drugs in his system. Unless the killer knew he took morphene and wanted to make it look like an overdose.

SHAWN: Woody, we’re being held at gunpoint here, now is not a good time to….

ANATOLY: Enough!!!

SHAWN: We just found out that you are not the killer.

ANATOLY: I kill you any way.

(meanwhile Carlton Lassiter called for back up)

(HUGE CRASH — SBPD busts in)

LASSITER: Put your hands in the air. We have the place surrounded.

JULIET: No not you Shawn. Get over here.

SHAWN: Sorry, just an instinctive reflex.

NOTARY: Oh my God, look at all of the commotion. I would like to report that man. He is a very bad man and has a fake ID.

SHAWN: Oh, can you notarize something for Woody? An Affidavit of Autopsy?

NOTARY: I would, but my journal is being confiscated by the Secretary of State. They want to know about the criminal I notarized earlier today and also they think I am not keeping proper records.

JULIET: Let me see this… Oh my God? You didn’t put the document date? Such sloppy work. No wonder you are in trouble.

SHAWN: Hey Juliet, you aren’t supposed to look at that. It is under the exclusive care of the notary and must be kept under lock and key.

GUS: How come you know so much about Notary work.

SHAWN: I read, plus it’s always been an interest of mine. I heard that Notaries get to do jobs for interesting characters, many of whom are criminals like Johnny that British bloke we visited in jail.

GUS: The one who you imitated who knows where you live.

SHAWN: Good point. Maybe I should just stick to what I’m doing. And a tip for the Notary. Don’t go immediately home after this.

NOTARY: Why not, are Anatoly’s guys following me?

GUS: I think they are following all of us.

.

You might also like:

Psych Episode about a Notary. Did the body die from food poisoning or was it murder?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19397

Flashpoing – Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18798

Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

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May 4, 2018

The Notary Plantation

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:44 am

Back in the 1800’s, Notaries had to pick signatures at The Notary Plantation. The irony of this blog is that one angry black notary told me that he didn’t work for my plantation any more back about eight years ago. I informed him that I don’t run a plantation, I provide advertising so that OTHER people’s Notary plantations can find you! How did I suddenly become the oppressor? I have never oppressed anyone so far. Repressed, suppressed or depressed maybe, but not oppressed.

Mr. JOHNSON: When you’re on this plantation, you better set your mind to picking signatures boy. Put your back into it.

NOTARY SLAVE (Jarvis): Yes master. But, may I have a drink of water?

Mr. JOHNSON: Do a good job, or you will be drinking ink, boy!

Ms. FIDDLE: Don’t worry Jarvis, I’ll teach you how to read just like you’ve always wanted to. We can start by practicing reading this new British comedy called Two Broke Blokes!

NOTARY SLAVE: Thank you Ms. Fiddle, and I do mean it. But, right now I have to Notarize signatures for the man. Otherwise he’ll ship me down the river, and Notary rules are strict down there I hear — they might even require journals.

Mr. JOHNSON: Or maybe I’ll ship you out west. I was out west a year ago and met this guy who is half Navajo and half Filipino. He had Adobo, in an Adobe. Ha ha ha. I’ll never forget that, but too much garlic.

NOTARY SLAVE: Are Filipinos slaves or free people?

Ms. FIDDLE: I think you better forget that conversation and do your work and then we’ll have our secret meeting. But, don’t mess around otherwise he will chain you to a desk while you do Notary work for this makeshift county clerk office he has in his waiting room.

NOTARY SLAVE: I had this dream that black people would be free, but that Chinese people will one day be slaves in New York Chinatown and will be chained to a stove making kung pao chicken.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yes, but nobody will regard them as real slaves because the leftist media will not publicize that fact and also because the slaves were not black. And if you reincarnate 150 years from now, don’t tell anyone that the first American slaves were Irish and not black.

NOTARY SLAVE: Irish? Boy have times changed. Now there the one’s building the railroads and then having kung pao when they reach the middle of the line and bump into those Chinese railway workers.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yeah, but there’s nothing worse than Szechuanese food cooked by Cantonese cooks, you know what I mean? It’s a gourmet thing.

NOTARY SLAVE: I’ll take your word for it. I can’t wait to get my freedom papers. Then, I can buy my own slaves and make them do Notary work and sign under duress.

Ms. FIDDLE: Now there’s a healthy attitude if I’ve ever heard one. But, if you sign under duress, that could be an issue in court. Anyway. Here’s a customer.

CUSTOMER: Hi, I need this Affidavit Notarized, but I’m not sure if I need an Oath or an Affirmation.

NOTARY SLAVE: According to my psychic, we won’t have Affirmations until long after freedom comes.

CUSTOMER: Freedom? You mean you’re administering signatures under duress? Well, that’s better than actually being a principal and signing under duress. How can you do this job if you are not allowed to know how to read.

NOTARY SLAVE: Just between you and me, I learned to read a little by reading Two Broke Blokes, but it got dicey when it got to the point where Randy wanted a sex change, but Gary said he better not otherwise he would go straight and start dating girls.

CUSTOMER: He wouldn’t!!!

NOTARY SLAVE: That’s what Randy said, but then Gary got a job in British East India as a tea merchant. The story gets complicated.

CUSTOMER: I’ll say. Does your master know about this reading activity you do?

NOTARY SLAVE: He says it’s okay just as long as I don’t enjoy it. But, I liked the part where Gary goes straight and then gets dumped by Gertrude in Bombay. What a sucker!

CUSTOMER: Oooh, I’m telling! Busted! Hey Mr. Johnson, your slave here actually enjoys reading!

Mr. JOHNSON: Get back to stamping boy! Uh oh, are those union soldiers blowing their trumpet? We’re in trouble. Even more trouble than Gary was in when Sally dumped him.

NOTARY SLAVE: Sally dumped him? I didn’t get that far.

Mr. JOHNSON: Look at page 156.

NOTARY SLAVE: Oh yes sir. And when I’m freed, in about 43 minutes, I’ll always think fondly of you, especially the time you let me have prime rib… I can still taste it.

Mr. JOHNSON: Prime rib? Page 158. I enjoyed that too.

(trumpets of union cavalry… soldiers storm the house, and free the Notary who goes on to be broke and do loan signing for low ball signing companies, but has fun reading trashy romance novels.)’

EX NOTARY SLAVE: I sure do love my newly obtained freedom. But, honestly, I went from living in a mansion having prime rib and reading British comedy novels to living in a slum working for signing companies who don’t pay on time…. Oh, and no prime rib. But, at least Gary and Randy made up. So, thank God for something.

Ms. FIDDLE: Time for some moo shoo. Are you game?

.

You might also like:

A Notary guest speaker gets harassed by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Notary Sexual Harassment issues
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19698

Demographics in the Mobile Notary Business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15359

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April 27, 2018

Miami Vice — a shipment of illegal notary seals

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — admin @ 10:37 am

CHIEF: Sonny, you need to take care of this. There’s a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming in, but we have no intel on it. Can you handle it?

SONNY: I’m on it. But, I don’t have any reliable sources.

RICO: We’ll use any sources we can get. But, we do have something. Remember Nuggie?

SONNY: Oh God, him again? I’m on it.

(Rico and Sonny travel downtown)

RICO: Let’s get a Cuban cafe first and then find out guy.

SONNY: Deal. I just hope our Ferrari is safe. We’ll keep it in eye distance. Besides it has an alarm.

RICO: Dos cafes cubanos por favor. Y rapido tambien. (Two Cuban coffes, and make it fast!)

(gunshots ring out)

SONNY: Get down….. (pause) I think our plan has a hole in it. Make that a coffee cup with a hole in it. I’ll call it in. (ring ring) Hey, there were gun shots on Sunset BLVD. We have no idea what it was about, but the car sped off and they’re gone now.

GINA: Okay. You can finish your coffee now.

SONNY: How did you know we were having coffee?

GINA: Oh, just a hunch. Call it women’s intuition.

NUGGIE: Hey man, how are my boys doing. The Nug-man has arrived, and arrived in style. Check out my new shades. My new wife bought me these. Ha ha!!! Don’t keep me long because the Nuggie has to Boogie, you dig?

SONNY: We dig. Listen. Do you know anything about a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming into Miami harbor on a freighter in the next few days.

NUGGIE: That all depends on who and how much is asking.

SONNY: Rico, do you have a hundred?

RICO: Here’s two Ben Franklins. This one’s important.

NUGGIE: Oh, allright. Benjamin is doing the asking in repetition. All I know if that a guy named Sanchez is moving some heavy cargo from the Dominican Republic. Word on the street is that they have a seal forging plant over there and the action is hot and humid. You dig?

RICO: Do you know anything about where and when? Or a last name?

NUGGIE: He’s in his late 40’s, Cuban and has a mustache last time I checked. His organization prefers to use fishing boats, but they switch things up quite a bit to keep the authorities guessing.

RICO: Thanks Nuggie, you’ve been a huge help.

SONNY: (ring ring) Gina, do you have any intel on a guy named Sanchez who smuggles using fishing boats.

GINA: Last I heard, he was smuggling fishing boats. What a great cover.

SONNY: Very funny. Do you have anything.

GINA: We have a profile on the guy I think you are talking about. We have names, addresses, and rap sheets.

SONNY: Great, we’ll get the bug van and see if we can pick up some knowledge tapping some phones.

(3 hours later)

VAN GUY: We got the van set up. Sanchez’s crew are in the address we are in front of. They are talking about all types of things. But, they have only mentioned stampers once. I guess by that they mean Notary Seal.

SONNY: Anything about a time or place?

VAN GUY: Nothing yet.

(six hours later)

VAN GUY: (ring ring) We got a time. Noon tomorrow, there’s going to be a transfer from one fishing boat to several inflatable motor boats. Real little ones. They will be carrying the merchandise underwater in bags. if there is any trouble, the seals will sink to the bottom and there will be no evidence unless you have frog guys.

RICO: I know how to dive. I’ll handle this.

VAN GUY: They put a big rock in the bag, so we will have to bring a decompression suit just in case you dive too deep.

TRUDY: Don’t we need a Navy Seal for this, instead of a Notary Seal. It sounds too dangerous for Rico. And where will he hang his suit when he’s diving?

RICO: I’m not worried about that because my wet suit comes with a wet tie, and matching spear gun just in case I need it.

GINA: Hey Sonny, remember that shooting when you were having Cuban coffee? I just found out that was not just a random shooting. That was a competitor of the guy you are chasing named Rubio. They have their own channels for selling fake Notary seals, and are moving in on the supplier.

SONNY: Change of plans guys. We are going to set up a rendevous between Rubio and Sanchez. Either they kill each other, or we can arrest all of them all in one meet. Rico, you pretend to be one of Rubio’s guys and set up the meet. In the ocean. The dress code is wet suits.

RICO: I’m on it.

(nine hours later — at the meet in the ocean. Rubio’s guys try to hijack the merchandise. There is a shoot out. Half of Rubio’s guys are killed and retreat at high speed far away. Sanchez’s guys do not follow. After Rubio’s guys move out, Miami Vice moves in.)

RICO: Freeze, Miami Vice.

(Sanchez’s guys drop the Notary seals into the water. Rico jumps into the water with his spear gun)

VICTOR: Bubble bubble bubble

RICO: You don’t really bubble bubble mean that bubble.

(A secret deal was going on under water. There were five guys in wet suits with underwater guns. But, the Notary seals they were selling were underwater notary seals used by Jacque Cousteau.)

RICO: I’m going to need bubble up, I mean back bubble up. There are fbub-bub-bub-ive of them and only one of me.

SONNY: Damn it. I never thought of that. Ugh!!!!

RICO: But, I brought an underwater charge. I come prepared for this kind of thing mon.

(boom… meanwhile Sanchez’s guys bubble to the surface all disoriented after the underwater blast. Miami Vice has them at gun point. Sanchez puts a gun to his own head because he doesn’t want to go back to jail.

SONNY: Don’t do it. Just put the gun down.

SANCHEZ: I am never going back to jail again. I have had enough. (bang)

SONNY: No!!!!!!!!

After that, the seals were returned to the Florida Notary commission who did not want the seals because they said, “State of Florida, County of Underwater.”

(meanwhile back on Sonny’s boat)

RICO: That was quite a bust. I’ve never seen anything like it. Not in New York, not here. What’s up with your alligator, he is trying to eat his chain.

SONNY: I call it a classic case of “areptile disfunction.”

RICO: Ha ha ha ha ha. Good one.

.

You might also like:

A Notary travels from Florida to India
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19636

Psych Notary Episode. Did the body die of food poisoning or was he murdered?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19397

Notaries in cars getting coffee
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18945

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January 12, 2018

Notary Jail

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very) — Tags: — admin @ 12:00 pm

I think that I am the first person to come up with this concept. Notary jail. Where Notaries go when they’ve been bad. But, most Notaries have been bad, they just didn’t get caught because their secretary of state’s don’t bother to enforce a single law. What is the point of having laws if you don’t enforce them?

If you forget to administer an Oath you should be sent to Notary jail and get booked. The first thing they will do is thumbprint you in their journal. Then, they will ask you if you take journal thumbprints. If you say, “My state doesn’t require that.” Then they will put you in solitary confinement. After all, an innocent person could be scammed out of everything they own and the culprit could run free simply because you didn’t take a thumbprint.

If you didn’t ID someone correctly, then a cell in the insane ward would be in order. Since you let John Smith sign as John W Smith, you will also not mind being around five people who are sure that they are Abraham Lincoln.

And then there are the people who don’t fill in certificates properly or send loose certificates in the mail. Tisk tisk. The staff at Notary jail will goof on your jail paperwork if you do that and you’ll be in for a long time.

Oh, and the food at Notary jail? Embossed flat bread sandwiches. You get that nice raised seal embossed pattern on every bite. Then they have a breakfast cereal called frosted mini-seals. Oh, and one more thing. They have soap shaped like a Notary seal. But, don’t drop the soap (or don’t drop the seal.)

And if they ask Notary questions in Notary jail, don’t talk back to the guards like you normally do to Jeremy. Just answer questions the way they were asked and you might get time off for good behavior.

.

Putting jails and hospitals into your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19266

Go to jail but DO collect $100
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15361

Find a notary who goes to Twin Towers Jail and other Los Angeles Prisons
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21349

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December 15, 2017

He was on his way to a Notary appointment when….

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In — admin @ 11:08 am

For the last several years I have been looking for my black equivalent. Someone who is a brotha who is just like me in all ways. I lost home in ever finding this person until…

It was a few days ago. I was late to a Notary appointment and in line at Starbucks. I am addicted. I know. Too much sugar and caffeine, but we all have needs. And there he was.

He was wearing a gray t-shirt, blue jeans, and flip flops, just like me. He looked cynically at the croissants in the display and looked like he could stand to lose a few pounds.

I exclaimed — “I’ve done it — I have finally found my black equivalent. You are just like me in all ways.”

BRUTHA — “What????”

JEREMY: “We dress exactly the same way, have the same body type, you are my black equivalent!”

BRUTHA: “Because I’m wearing a gray t-shirt? Please. That don’t mean nothin’.”

JEREMY: “YES IT DOES — you’re the guy. I have been looking for my brutha of anotha culla for years now. And you’re it.”

BRUTHA: “You crazy man! (mumbling) White people. I’ll never figure them out…”

JEREMY: “So much for equivalents and racial equality. I guess you’re saying we’re not equal.”

BRUTHA: “You wanna see EQUAL? See this little blue packet that I’m putting in my coffee. That’s the only EQUAL I care about…. Please….”

(an hour later — Jeremy runs into another brutha, but this time is wearing a Russian fur hat.)

JEREMY: “I think we have another prospect. Yup, gray t-shirt, flip flops, ooh, even the same kind I wear from Adventure 16, and yes, of course Levi’s. Gotta have Levi’s unless you are going to a high end Notary appointment then wear business casual. Who am I kidding. HEY, you are my black equivalent. Look at us (standing next to him.)

IVAN: “You are right. (thick Russian accent.)

JEREMY: “Is that a Russian accent? Are you a black Russian?”

IVAN: “Yes, and I am your black equivalent. We fought for equality for years and I am glad to be your equal. Think of me as a COMRADE FROM ANOTHER MOMRAD.”

JEREMY: “All right. Strasnitzie (hello) my brutha! ”

IVAN: “Strasnitzie tavarich (hello), my main comrade.”

JEREMY: “But, it’s 90 degrees and you are wearing that Russian fur hat.”

IVAN: “Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh Hell Nyet…. HELL NYET!!!”

JEREMY: “You better not be late otherwise your grandmother might burn the Pyrogies.”

IVAN: “What did you say about my babushka?”

JEREMY: “Okay, I’m glad I met you. Tell your babushka or grandmother that I said hi. Dasvidaniya playuh!”

IVAN: “See you next time. Oh, and by the way, we prefer to be called — African American Russians, not Black Russians.”

JEREMY: “That is because your ancesters come from near the African American Sea near Armenia. My client and his Grant Deeds are waiting.”

IVAN: “You got that right!”

.

You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy String
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=black-notaries-versus-white-notaries

Secretary of State Hacked by Russians
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19110

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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November 24, 2017

A Notary from Florida travels to India

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:53 am

A customer went to a Notary in Florida.

CUSTOMER: I need to be notarized. Can you notarize me?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Sure I can. I just need a document.

CUSTOMER: Here is the document.

FLORIDA NOTARY: You already signed it. I cannot notarize it.

CUSTOMER: That’s not what the law says. Notaries are required to know their state laws. And anyway, you can verify the signature when I sign your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But my state doesn’t require me to keep a journal.

CUSTOMER: What if I give you a fake ID, steal a million dollars from Fred’s house, and then disappear. You are the one who will be the suspect in court because you have no evidence to defend yourself. You became a Notary to make a few extra bucks and now look what happened.

FLORIDA NOTARY: I don’t think I feel comfortable notarizing you.

CUSTOMER: I don’t think I feel comfortable being notarized BY you.

(one month later)

Mr. FIBBS: My house was compromised and I’m out a million dollars. You were the Notary who notarized the transaction. The FBI is investigating and we need to see your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh, I don’t keep a journal because my state doesn’t require me to.

FBI: Mr. Florida Notary, please come with us. You are under arrest for identity fraud conspiracy.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But, I’m not in cahutz with anyone. I just notarized a document.

FBI: Yes, but without the journal and a journal thumbprint, you are covering up incriminating evidence which makes you look very suspicious which is why you are under arrest.

Mr. FIBBS: My life is ruined and all because of that damn Notary and the damn Florida Notary Division which doesn’t require the one thing that would have saved my finances — namely a journal with paw prints. Boo hoo hoo. I’ll be in a mess for at least a year and could end up homeless too.

(two days later after paying bail.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, my son needs a new kidney and the only place I can get one is in India. I’ll book our flights today and hope I get back in time for my court appearance as a suspect in an identity fraud ring.

RAHUL: Yes, Ms. Frieda Florida Notary Public. We can have your kidney which you have been on a list for two years come in on Friday. It will be no problem. You will need to show up at that Rajeev Gandhi National Hospital in Bangalore on the 3rd. Will that be okay?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Yes, that will be fine.

TAXI DRIVER: Where are you going?

FLORIDA NOTARY: We are going to the Rajeev Gandhi Hospital in JP Nagar in Bangalore.

TAXI DRIVER: That will be 80 rupees. Meter broken.

(ten minutes later there was a terrible crash.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, we’ve been in a deadly car crash since we were dodging that elephant to the right and that ox to the left. My son is dead. And this cab has no seatbelts. You Mr. Taxi Driver are responsible for my son’s death because there are no seatbelts in this vehicle.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh no, you see in India, we are not LEGALLY REQUIRED to have seatbelts. So, you see it is not my fault. Accidents happen, what can you do?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Now my life is ruined because of that damned taxi driver and the damned Indian government for not requiring thumbprints.

(coincidentally, the driver carrying the kidney was in the car that crashed into Florida Notary and was also killed because he too was not wearing a seatbelt, and the kidney went flying out the window and ended up on the back of an elephant.)

TAXI DRIVER: Yes, Mr. pharmacist, I need some holistic remedy to a bug infestation in my house. What do you recommend?

PHARMACIST: There is tea tree oil. It is not expensive and microscopic insects are often killed from it.

(the taxi driver uses the tea tree oil and has a horrible reaction to it that ends him up in the hospital for two days.)

TAXI DRIVER: Hey, that oil you sold me is toxic to humans and you did not warn me.

PHARMACIST: The government of India, and coincidentally America does not regulate this type of products. You buy at your own risk.

(meanwhile Mr. Fibbs and his wife move to India since they lost almost all of their money in the identity theft and get exactly the same taxi driver that the Florida Notary did.)

Mr. FIBBS: Taxi! We are going to the Himalayas to live. We lost almost all our money because of this damn Notary. Can you believe it?”

TAXI DRIVER: Was she about 5’10”, dark hair and really annoying, with a thick Florida accent?

Mr. FIBBS: Yes, that was her. Why. Do you know her?

TAXI DRIVER: Never seen her in my life. No just kidding. She was in our car when a bus came out of nowhere and I had to swerve to the left and there was a terrible accident. This type of thing happens a lot in India. Maybe I’m telling you too much.

Mr. FIBBS: Well that woman deserves to die.

TAXI DRIVER: Funny that you mention that. And by the way, what do you do for a living?

Mr. FIBBS: I give investment advice.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, I know somebody who needs advice at the pharmacy.

PHARMACIST: Yes, Mr. Fibbs. I am wanting to know, which US stocks are you liking?

Mr. FIBBS: You could pick a good index fund, but my favorite is Cola Cola stock. They have a good business model and solid management. I would put most of my money in that stock if I only bought one stock.

PHARMACIST: You saved my life.

(two weeks later coca-cola stock crashes, Mr. Fibbs and his wife decide it is better to be paupers in America then live in India under any circumstances and our characters all meet again.)

PHARMACIST: Mr. Fibbs. You are back. But, I have lost all my money. Coca-Cola stock crashed. You have given me very bad advice. Very very bad advice. You are a very very bad man.

Mr. FIBBS: First of all, Coca-Cola is a very solid company. But, you can’t buy a stock and sell it on a whim under unfavorable circumstances or you could lose your money with any stock. And second, I am NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED to back my investment advice. It is just an opinion and not an intrinsic truth. I am not a psychic.

PSYCHIC: Did someone call? I can tell you your future. You will be broke and die in misery. 50 rupees please. I need a new turban. This one makes me look fat.

ALL WATCHING: Get lost!!!!

PHARMACIST: You ruined my life. You damned investment advisor and your damn American laws not requiring that you take responsibility for what you tell people.

TAXI DRIVER: Well you almost ended my life with that tea tree oil without a warning.

FLORIDA NOTARY: (who came out of nowhere) well you ended my son’s life because you didn’t bother having seatbelts. It wouldn’t kill you to invest a thousand rupees to save someone’s life.

Mr. FIBBS: Well you ruined my finances by not having a journal. It costs $15 to have a journal and another $16 to get a thumbprinter from the NNA. I know this because I was so upset with you that I decided to become a Notary. But instead of being a shoddy Notary, I decided to become the most thorough Notary in the world besides Jeremy at 123notary.com who by the way is an ex-Notary, but a very thorough ex-Notary.

TAXI DRIVER: I guess we all ruined each others lives. Perhaps it is our karma that we should meet under such unfortunate circumstances.

GURU: I have been observing this entire conversation and situation for the last month and it is in deed very karmically perplexing, complex and yet still deeply interesting. I have only one more thing to say.

TAXI DRIVER: What’s that?

GURU: Tag — you’re it!!!!!

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You might also like:

I was forced to forge my own signature in India
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19306

Indian Notaries having an arranged marriage
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19222

Notary Indian tandoori restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16497

30 minute Islamic prayer break at a signing & other stories
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16185

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November 10, 2017

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:09 am

There is a town in Virginia where there is a statue of Franklin Bends. Franklin was a Notary Public in his day and also had slaves. A group of leftists surrounded the statue and wanted to either vandalize it, or take it down entirely. Meanwhile another group called, Notary lives matter got word of this protest and went to defend the statue. Their argument was that this man was an important part of history even though he had committed some sins according to the modern way of thinking. The second argument was that five hundred years from now when there are statues of violent and irratic protesters, those statues will be knocked down because five hundred years from now they will be prejudiced against people do drugs, act crazy and destroy things.

The the protesters asked, “How do you know that?” The NLM leader said, “I just made that up — no just kidding, I asked my psychic.” Then the protesters asked, “Well how reliable is he?” NLM retored, “He’s accurate a lot of the time.” The head of the protesters asked, “Do you have his card or something. I need a psychic right now. My last one skipped town.” Then the NLM guy said, “I knew you were going to ask that… okay, I didn’t, but my psychic did, or at least I predict that he would.”

The NLM leaders said that destroying the statue would not change the past, or improve the future — it would just be an act of destruction and erasing our history and heritage. Can you imagine a world where history has been twisted or completely erased? Would you want to live in that type of world? History could not repeat itself because it wouldn’t have happened yet, plus there would be one less category on Jeopardy.

Then the protesters explained that we already lived in that type of world because history is taught from the point of view of the people who won wars, and that Native Americans are always represented as savage fighters or helpless victims simply because that is the only information the historians had on them. If the Native Americans had written history, they would have shown life as normal and then Custer coming out of nowhere and destroying them.

NLM rebutted that the protesters had a good point but were digressing, but not regressing. NLM decided that they would compromise by having the protesters create a statue of protesters protesting the statue of the Notary instead of smashing things down. The protesters agreed and so did the birds (tweet tweet) who were protesting that there were no transgender statues for them to go to the bathroom on — an interesting twist on transgender Avian bathrooms.

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You might also like:

Finding your roots — Notary edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19694

Notary speaker offends college students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19395

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

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November 3, 2017

Notary Sexual Harassment Issues

Many lady Notaries are afraid to go to a single man’s house for obvious reasons. But, the type of harrassment in this blog article will surprise even you guys who read my blogs regularly. Here are some bizarre situations that would happen.

The client wanted to get it on with the Notary. The Notary was offended, but NOT because the client wanted to get it on with him, but because the client wanted to do it do it with him and his stamp. The Notary said, “I’m not into that!”

The next situation involves the Notary chasing a woman around a desk (sounds like a Hindi movie) to get her signature. The woman resists because she claims she doesn’t know the Notary well enough to sign his journal. Sounds like a Beetles song, “Baby let me sign your journal.”

The last situation happened with Will from Will and Grace. Will had a male Notary who was straight who was offended because of how Will kept talking about how he wanted to be Notarized. Will: “Oh, NOTARIZE me, STAMP me, STAMP me all night long. Oh, whip out that embosser. Oh, you… Do you want me to SIGN something? I want to SIGN your BOOK. Oh please let me sign your book! Are you going to hold my thumb when we do journal thumbprints?” Then the Notary said, “Oh, my state doesn’t require thumbprints.” Then Will said, “in that case, you’re fired, but before I fire you, are you going to stamp me for approval?”

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You might also like:

Compilation of posts about Notary dating & romance
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17451

The Sexting Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19727

Don’t have unprotected Notarizations
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19467

The sexist Notary Dentist
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16513

You will be all alone with me
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3430

The Mannequin Signer
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3178

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