This was originally published many years ago.

This blog entry seems appropriate now that the holidays have set in. I’m sure many of us have a solid dose of holiday related depression with less sunlight, and an interruption of our daily routines.

“Hurry — we have a level 3 on line 2!”, said the neurotic manager of this organization. What organization was this, you might ask? It is none other than the Notary Suicide Hotline. But, I have never heard of this, you might say! It all came to Jeremy in a dream…

The dream…
It was a few days ago. Jeremy had a dream that he and a few notaries were having sandwiches. The bread was a foot long, but each sandwich only had a small cutlet in it. Then Jeremy went up to the 7th floor of a haunted mansion to hide, because he felt bad that the notary industry was so slow, and felt afraid too! So, Jeremy went to his psychic to do dream interpretation. The sandwiches had lots of bread which represented hard work, but very little cutlet which represented nourishment. That meant that the notaries were working too hard for not enough money!

Another dream
Then, the next night Jeremy went to sleep there was another dream. In the dream, the NNA had become very concerned about the emotional well-being of notaries throughout the country. Many were depressed, and a few even contemplated ending it all. Something had to be done. So, the NNA created the Notary Suicide Hotline.

The call
Notary: “Hello… (sob) It’s too upsetting”
Frank: “I’m sorry about what you are going through. Would you like to talk about it?”
Notary: “Yes… well… It was another $40 signing… boo hoo hoo!”
Frank: “I’m so sorry to hear about that — please hold”

Frank “Hey Sully, we have a level 3 on line 2, can you handle it?”
Sully: “I got it!”
Frank: “Sorry to keep you waiting, I am going to transfer you to Sully — he specializes in exactly this type of crisis”
Notary: “Oh…okay”
Sully: “Hi, this is Sully, I heard that you were offered yet another $40 signing”
Notary: “Yes, it is terrible — we deserve more, especially with fax backs!”
Sully: “I’m so sorry about that. How many fax backs were there?”
Notary: “There were 12. I can’t figure out why they need so many!”
Sully: “Maybe they are insecure. Just remember — it’s THEM, not YOU”
Notary: “Really?”
Sully: “Yeah, they are the guys with the problem, not you!”
Notary: “Do you really mean that?”
Sully: “Sure, we get this all the time. they are paranoid that someone didn’t sign ONE little document on one out of a hundred loan documents. My attitude is — deal with it. Don’t put the notary through hell. If the notary makes a mistake, just don’t use them again unless they have a good track record.”
Notary: “That makes me feel so good. You are really on my side!”
Sully: “Hey… we have been dealing with this for a long time. It never ends. And for $40. It is ridiculous. They should pay at least $90 for those types of signings. But, don’t feel bad, just ride the wave until the economy picks up. They, maybe you’ll get lots of $125 signings, especially if you have experience.”
Notary: “I feel so hopeful now. I pictured everything being gloomy forever!”
Sully: “Nothing lasts forever. What goes down, must come up again, right?”
Notary: “That’s true. When the economy was good before, I thought it would last forever. Now that things are slow, I am depressed thinking that things will be slow forever. But, that isn’t true. Everything in the notary industry is cyclical!”
Sully: “You got it. So… you’re not thinking of ending it anymore, right?”
Notary: “No, you talked me out of it. How can I ever thank you?”
Sully: “Well, this week we are having a special, buy three NNA journals, get a half-price ticket to one of our seminars, what do you think?”
Notary: “Well, how much are three journals?”
Sully: “$40, but without the fax-backs!”
Notary: “It’s a deal!”

So, ends our level 3 suicide hotline call. Thank got it wasn’t a level 10. Level 9 is when a notary is standing at the edge of a bridge holding a stack of pre-fax-back loan documents. I’ll leave it to your imagination what a level 10 is. You need a lot more experience handling those types of calls.

Tweets:
(1) The Notary Suicide Hotline — making sure notary commissions expire before the notaries do since 1932.
(2) Notary Suicide Hotline: “I have a level 3 on line 2, can you handle it?”
(3) Notary Suicide Hotline: “May I help you?”
Notary: “I’m tired of $40 signings w/fax backs!”
(4) Don’t put the notary through hell. If the notary goofs, just don’t use them again.
(5) Dream: A long sandwich w/3 little cutlets inside.
Interpretation: Notaries doing too much work for too little money.

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