Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Are you black or white ee-nuff?
We got a very disrespectful comment about my rebuttal to comments on Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy Edition. This was the most popular comedy post we have written in years, yet the comments were hateful. I guess Americans have nothing constructive to say about race relations. There is either an imposed silence reflecting a social restriction on freedom of speech — or, there is downright hatred — but, very little in between.
So, this commenter claimed that Chris Rock reflected black Notaries poorly because I depicted him as having bad grammer. My rebuttal to his comment on my rebuttal is — Chris Rock is far more talented than any Notary on 123notary: black or white. The post in question was not supposed to be realistic of real Notaries as real Notaries are rarely funny, and would not be good characters in a blog article unless they are brilliant or outrageous. Let satire be satire and don’t try to overanalyze it. So, to appease the aforementioned commenter, we will make an equally erudite man named Sedric Watkins who happens to be black as the star of this blog.
TOMMY: So, why did you become a Notary?
SEDRIC (Black Notary): I became a Notary to supplement my bustling Real Estate management career.
TOMMY: But, isn’t being a Notary a low paying side job?
SEDRIC: I assure you that it is as high or low paying as you make it. I set my minimum at $90 because I have other things of value to do that compete for my limited time resources. Like reading Shakespeare. Or inventing a vaccine that can cure Bill O’Reilly.
SAM (White Notary): (ring ring) Hello?
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi, this is Samantha from ABC signing service. We have a job in Compton where you will need to print out two sets of documents 300 pages each, do 65 fax backs, and notarize twelve signatures for a family of six. Can you do the job for $45?
SAM: I’d love to do the job for $45, but I’m afraid of going to Compton.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Figures… Hmmm. We need to find someone who isn’t afraid of going to the hood.
SEDRIC: Punctilious Signing Services, this is Sedric.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi Sedric, let’s cut to the chase. And that wasn’t a dated reference to OJ. We need a Notary to go to the hood. We’ve tried twenty other Notaries, but they are all chicken. Mmm, chicken! Can you do the job?
SEDRIC: Why certainly. Ah yes, I remember the days of my impetuous youth when South Central used to be a black neighborhood.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, it still is, where we’re sending you. The signing is for a higher up in the Crips who started a business. It’s 300 pages, 65 fax backs, and twelve signatures per person for a family of six. Can you do it for $45?
SEDRIC: Yes — $45… per signer with a $90 minimum for single document signings and $150 minimum for loan signings.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hmm. So, you’re asking for $270.
SEDRIC: My time is in limited supply, and with six signers, if even one doesn’t show up, the whole signing is delayed.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, so you’ve done this before…
SEDRIC: Of my 2500 signings, seven were for multiple signers and those were prolonged to say the least.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: How about $150
SEDRIC: You’re paying for experience and a flawless track record.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: You folks do have quite a record when it comes to track.
SEDRIC: How patronizing of you.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Thank you. Okay, $155
SEDRIC: $200 paid in advance via Paypal. I agree to stay there up to 75 minutes just in case a signer doesn’t show up or doesn’t have ID.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Done…
SEDRIC: (ring ring) Hello, this is Sedric from Punctilious Signing Services. I will be seeing your party today at 3pm for a signing. Please have appropriate and current identification.
CRIPS BOSS: You got it. Oh … and one more thing. Wear light blue.
SEDRIC: I’m wearing a black suit today, but I’ll wear a blue tie to show solidarity with your movement.
(In the hood — Sedric parks his car in a busy commercial area to go up to the office.)
PASSERBY: Hey man, what-chu doing in our hood dressed like that? Are you going to a funeral or something?
SEDRIC: No, I happen to be a businessman.
PASSERBY: So, what is it with this uppity lingo you’re using. Are you sure you’re even black?
SEDRIC: “Uppity” is code I don’t appreciate. I assure you that I am black. Must we speak in this dialect?
PASSERBY: You’re the one with the dialect my brother. So, what’s up with you?
SEDRIC: To put it in your vernacular, I’m a “high brow brotha!”
PASSERBY: I heard that. But, you ain’t black ee-nough.
SEDRIC: What prey tell do you mean by black ee-nuff? I’m sure that your definition comprises using incorrect grammar, being opposed to the powers that be, failing out of high school, having an addiction and being a minimum of two months behind on your alimony. You just described a white acquaintance of mine, but I digress. I pay no heed to your juvenile and grievously preposterous sense of cultural sensibilities.
PASSERBY: You got it all wrong man. I never finished junior high school, and they couldn’t find my legal address to make me pay any alimony because I don’t have one — so the joke’s on you! Basicaly what I’m saying, is that there ain’t nothing black about you. Can you dig it?
SEDRIC: My definition of blackness is based purely on genetic lineages tracing back to West Africa. my dear friend. Culture is not a well-defined science you see and therefore not a logical characteristic for racial classification.
PASSERBY: Well you seem like an Uncle Tom.
SEDRIC: Thank you. My Uncle Thomas, much like myself, drives a Ferrari, studies karate, and has a fine lady friend. Here’s a photo of my lady.
PASSERBY: Damn!!!! She got it going on!!! Honeylicious!
SEDRIC: And my mother likes her too, because in addition to being visually appealing, she is a nice person.
PASSERBY: Nice honey, but you’re a mamma’s boy.
SEDRIC: If your mamma looked like Halle Barry, you would be too. Be that as it may, I’m a very well paid mamma’s boy.
PASSERBY: Well, yo mamma’s an auntie Thomassina! A female uncle Tom!
SEDRIC: What did you say about my mamma? (kick, crash, bash, crunch, smash, chop, knock, clash.)
PASSERBY: That wasn’t karate. That was jujitsu — Okanawan style. When I said there was nothing black about you, I take that back. There is something black about you — but only one. You don’t like it when nobody says nothing about yo mamma. Can you tell me… ummm..
SEDRIC: The GPS coordinates of the nearest hospital so that you can heal the damage that I just did to you? I would, but I have an appointment to go to. Oh, and one more thing. Your Theory about Uncle Tom’s cabin has a hole in it — in the roof!!!
CRIPS BOSS: Here’s our man… We have our ID’s ready and we’re ready.
SEDRIC: I’ll be here for 75 minutes. I just hope that that statistical probabability of one of the six of you getting arrested in the next 75 minutes is low so I don’t disappoint my new client.
CRIPS BOSS: Here are our six ID’s. I’ll just lay them out on the table Vegas style — like a fan. Oh, and don’t worry, we alerted the police to your presence, so they won’t bother you.
SEDRIC: You make it so easy.
CRIPS BOSS: What happened to the side of both of your hands?
SEDRIC: I had to take care of some business on the way over here.
CRIPS BOSS: Another appointment on such short notice. I sure like the way you do business. You know something. You should join our operation.
SEDRIC: Not in this lifetime. But, call me if you need a Notary Public, Real Estate Manager, or Okinawan Jujitsu teacher.
CRIPS BOSS: I know you claim to be Okinawan… but, are you Okinawan eee-nuff?
SEDRIC: It’s not me… it’s the Jujitsu that is Okinawan… never mind…
SAM (White Notary) I just got this job in Beverly Hills. They have good Chinese food here too if you can find a parking spot.
SEDRIC: Good for you. I hope you charged them enough or should I say, “ee-nuff.”
SAM: Oh, I charged them $100. I’m learning from you. But, you’ll never guess what the job is about. There’s a guy from the hood in the Beverly Hills hospital who says he got beaten up by some uppity Notary who thought he was too good for the brotha’s.
SEDRIC: Did he have a huge bruise on his upper right temple?
SAM: Why yes.
SEDRIC: Never seen him before in my life! Just out of curiosity, after you told him about the Chinese food, did he tell you that you weren’t “white ee-nuff”?
SAM: I think he only says stuff like that to you. But, after your little interlude, perhaps from now on he’ll make his flip remarks to people like me.
SEDRIC: It’s a distinct possibility.