December 2019 - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
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December 12, 2019

Regular Teenagers vs. Notary Teenagers

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:33 am

Normal teenagers get in trouble for swearing! Notary teenagers administer sworn Oaths.

Normal teenagers break out; Notary teenagers only have to break out if they get arrested.

Normal teenagers have to worry about getting a girl pregnant; Notary teenagers put a layer of latex on their notary seal for protection.

Normal teenagers drive too fast. Notary teenagers have good laser printers so they are never late to signings and therefore don’t need to drive fast.

Normal teenagers succumb to the power of hormones. Notary teenagers succumb to power of attorney (and medical directives)

Normal teenagers do homework; Notary teenagers read the 123notary blog to learn more about their trade.

Normal teenagers are embarrassed to be seen with their parents; Notary teenagers are parents, they are developmentally stunted and still function emotionally as teenagers.

Normal teenagers learn musical instruments; Notaries are still trying to figure out how to make clanking noises with their metal embossers.

Normal teenagers get upset when their teacher makes them redo their homework; Notary teenagers get mad when they have to redo a signing.

Normal teenagers study French; Notary teenagers study Latin words like “scilicet” and “locus sigilli.”

Normal teenagers get normal tattoos and piercings; Notary teenagers get a tattoo of their favorite clients’ signature on their rear end.

You might also like:

More on bad boy notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22560

A bar only for cool notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

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December 11, 2019

A Star Notary Is Born

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 8:34 am

There have now been four, count them, four “A Star is Born” movies. Janet Gaynor…Judy Garland…Barbra Streisand… and of course, Lady Gaga. Which can only mean one thing… it’s time for another Star is Born movie. A Star Notary Is Born!

BRAD
(the veteran notary with a drinking problem)
Leave it to me to provide for a secure signature on an electronic document, one that proves the signature belongs to you.”

ELLEN
(up and coming notary)
Could that be called a “Digital Signature?”

BRAD
Say! You’re right. That was mighty fast. You might just have the talent to be a professional notary!

ELLEN
Do you really think so?

BRAD
I know so.

BRAD, SHAKES AND ALL, TRIPS AND FALLS.

ELLEN
Are you all right?

BRAD
Yes, I’m all right! Why, do you think I’m not all right? You think you’re better than I am?

ELLEN
(crying)
No, I swear I didn’t mean that!

ELLEN SWEARS UNDER OATH THAT SHE DIDN’T MEAN THAT. BRAD, RECOGNIZING EVEN MORE ELLEN’S TRUE CALLING, TELLS HER SHE’S A STAR. BRAD ENTERS REHAB. ELLEN ENTERS A HOME FOR HER FIRST SIGNING

THE END

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A notary goes to a motivational event but has a hearing problem
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22548

Notary high school 80’s style
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22399

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December 10, 2019

Notary Networking Event

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

Welcome to our networking event! We have people from all professions including Notaries!

ATTORNEY: Hi, I’m James. I am an Attorney. I am looking for new clients. I specialize in litigation for dog bites. Do your neighbors have dogs?

PLUMBER: My neighbor has a Chihuahua. I’m not too worried. I probably won’t be your client unless I go to Alaska. I heard people get bitten a lot by dogs there. In one year in Anchorage there were 600 dog bites, and only one bear bite, but people are afraid of bears.

ATTORNEY: That will cause your water pressure to rise.

NOTARY: I know, tell me about it. I am a Notary. I notarize documents. If you are an Attorney and don’t want to notarize for your client due to conflict of interest or lack of interest, or lack of time, or because you just frankly don’t want to — call me. I’m mobile and I do it all.

PLUMBER: I need an affidavit of water damage. I need to fix some pipes for someone because there was some damage. Do you do that?

NOTARY: Sure. How about an exchange. I’ll notarize a document for you and you can fix my toilet?

PLUMBER: Sounds like a crappy deal, crappy just like how I imagine the pipes in the toilet considering how much you crapped in it.

NOTARY: You’re right. How about two Affidavits?

REAL ESTATE AGENT: Oh, we need someone to fix the pipes in a building we are selling. And we need a Grant Deed Notarized. I came to the right networking event.

NOTARY: Aren’t we supposed to have wine & cheese?

HOST: Oh, it’s coming. We got it from a guy we networked with.

PLUMBER: Hey Notary, why don’t you ask the host if he needs his wine notarized?

NOTARY: Wine not! But, the table is a little low, so try not to pull a plumber when you lean over.

PLUMBER: Don’t worry, I just went on a diet and my pants actually fit me now.

NOTARY: Oh, do you need your pants notarized?

HOST: Okay — enjoy folks!

You might also like:

Notarizing a “won’t” (it’s like an unwedding)
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22378

I’m not that kind of notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22319

He took Jeremy’s advice and got new title companies
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22277

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December 9, 2019

Notary TV Network

Filed under: Comprehensive Guides,Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:30 am

Welcome to NTVN — the network for Notaries.

We have notary comedy, notary drama, notary classes, tutorials,
stories and more. I know, sounds a bit like the 123notary notary blog,
but this is television. Below is our broadcasting schedule:

8am: Affidavits done your way with host Randy David

9am: Notary housewives gone wild

10am: General Notary Hospital

11am: Notary acts explained — we go over Acknowledgments, Jurats,
Oaths and Affirmations. Raise your right hand!

12pm: Notaries without underwear

1pm: How to confirm a signing without missing any bases

2pm: How to spin your embosser with spinning with the stars

3pm: How Jeremy started his signing business and other Notary stories

4pm: Dealing with issues regarding FedEx and shipping.

5pm: Social media tips for Notaries

6pm: Notarios sin barreras

7pm: Dealing with Chinese characters in signatures

8pm: The Notary Bar – a sitcom about Notaries where everyone knows your name.

9pm: Sponsored programming.

You might also like:

Notary Ed – similar to driver ed
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19132

Affiant – a new social media site for notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6410

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December 8, 2019

Notary Commencement Speech

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 8:13 am

Notary Commencement Speech

Greetings, Notary Class of 2019. Today marks the first day of your journey into adulthood. And driving to signings where a signer’s dog treats your leg like a lover.

Take pride in what you’ve accomplished to get to this moment. Not the parents “bribing- us-to-take-you-in” part. The certified copy of your diploma awaits you. I, as the Custodian of the Document, will be presenting the document, although I may or may not be the document signer or party named in the document. At Notary College, we don’t mess around. The University President who signed your diplomas wasn’t coerced into signing them. In that case, it was a free act and deed. Although with the student debt you’ll be paying off for the next thirty years, it was anything but “free.”

As you go through life, remember to always give back. Unless we’re talking about chewed on pens. Those you can keep. And we’re not about to give back the fifty grand you still owe us. So chew on that.

The only thing greater than the power of higher education is Power of Attorney. Or the Principal, the person who signs the power of attorney to allow the attorney-in-fact to have certain powers to act on behalf of the principal. Or the power of flipping off drivers who cut you off on the way to a signing. Or power naps. They’re incredibly powerful as the dozens of you who dozed when I started speaking would attest to if you weren’t busy snoring right now.

In closing, never let your interest in documents expire. Never let your commission expire. And take your years of college protest and turn them into an actual “protest”: a formal declaration made by a notary declaring a default in payment on a promissory note. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my speech has been boring enough for me to join you in that power nap!

You might also like:

A dream about Michelle Obama’s inspirational speech
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20028

I have a dream – notary version
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19207

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December 7, 2019

Social Media Site for Notaries – JuratBook

Filed under: Social Media — admin @ 7:39 am

Welcome to JuratBook, a social media site for Notaries. Notaries typically use this to complain about slow paying signing companies, and boast about how good their 123notary listing is doing.

With JuratBook, you can post an unlimited amount of special notary emoji’s on your posts. The surprised emoji would be if you got paid on time. The sad emoji would be if there were too many fax backs. A heart emoji would be because you love Jeremy and Carmen. A thumbs up (or thumb prints up) would be if you either liked a particular signing company, or if you thumb printed someone.

You can take selfies of you and your customers and post them. You can talk about what you do when you are not notarizing.

The problem with JuratBook is that it makes people more competitive about how popular they are. It makes you think your life isn’t as full as all these other people with lots of postings who celebrate life every day.

Unlike Facebook, you can use hateful speech on JuratBook. It has to be allowed, because Notaries are so frustrated by not getting paid on time. JuratBook believes in freedom of speech.

The algorithm used for JuratBook helps promote posts more about the social aspects of being a Notary rather than dull work related posts.

What constitutes JuratBook friendship? Do you have to notarize each other? Or have each other’s thumb print? The rules keep changing as the owner Sam Zuckerberg — Mark’s lesser known and less successful brother.

JuratBook — your social media venue!

You might also like:

Affiant – a social media site for notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6410

Yes, it’s the Notary dating show
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

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December 6, 2019

1st Notary in Space

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:04 am

In honor of the anniversary of the 50th moon landing. NASA finally decided to send a Notary into space. They decided that Notaries had been underrepresented in space travel for too long, and something needed to change. However, the Notaries had conditions. Underneath where the American flag is on the shuttle, they wanted a flag of a fictional Notary country that they were going to set up in outer space.

The space ship was set to go to the moon in honor of Apollo 11 and Neil Armstrong. The passengers on the spaceship included three professional astronauts, one of which was a lesbian transgender black lactose intolerant Puerto Rican woman, and two white males, and a Notary. But, the flight had to be delayed because the lady was transitioning into being Cuban, or at least self-identifying as being Cuban, but not Mark Cuban, although she was living as a man (whatever
that means.) When asked if she wanted a Cuban cigar she said, “Sorry, I don’t self-identify as a communist.” Then she was asked, “Does living as a man mean that you will support a wife and kids?” to which she/he replied, “No, it means I’ll be leaving them!”

Then there was another issue, because the Notary wanted to bring his embosser, seal, journal and acknowledgment / jurat pads just in case he could notarize moon creatures on the dark side of the moon. He also studied up on his Chinese since he heard there were Chinese people landing there regularly that U.S. news suppressed for unknown reasons. The scientists controlling the flight complained that all of the Notary equipment was weighing down the craft and would cost another three million in fuel costs. But, the government decided it would be worth it so that moon creatures could sign the Notary journal.

So, finally the spacecraft took off. It took longer than expected because they were listening to Frank Sinatra’s song “Fly me to the moon.” A few days later they landed. The Notary complained that he had jet lag. The crew said, “You’re crazy, it’s not called jet lag, it’s called rocket lag, dummy!” The crew was expecting to see Sun Myung Moon but was disappointed to learn that he was Korean, and not Chinese, and therefore would probably not be on the moon despite his name.

NOTARY: If I pull down my pants here, and stick my rear end towards you, would that be mooning you or earthing you considering our location?

CREW: We’ll have to call Houston to resolve that issue. And in that case, Houston will agree that there is a problem.

HOUSTON: Yes, Notary, the correct terminology at your coordinates would indeed be earthing someone.

CREW: What on earth?

HOUSTON: Reminder — you are NOT on earth, and if you pull your pants down, you will lose the oxygen in your suit and die, so please refrain from earthing anyone.

NOTARY: I just want to jump for joy, but I’m afraid I might end up thirty feet in the air. Did the Chinese bring moon cakes here?

CHUNG: Welcome to the dark side of the moon, would you like to try a moon cake?

NOTARY: Actually, I’d prefer an earth cake.

CHUNG: Is that for here or to go?

NOTARY: We could either eat it here or in the ship. Does that come with a fortune cookie?

CHUNG: Yeah. The fortune is that you will weigh 17% of what you normally weigh.

CREW: Hey, the sum of the parts of crater than the sum of the hole.

NOTARY: Hmm, but what if you have a crater within a crater?

CHUNG: You mean like at crater and barrel?

NOTARY: And if you have sex on the moon, you would be getting your moon rocks off.

CHUNG: We are prudes and don’t do that here. Besides, we don’t have oxygen to waste on unnecessary things.

NOTARY: Well anyway — That’s one small stamp for a Notary; One huge stamp for mankind.

CREW: Well said. Now let’s take photos and post them on Instagram. Can you do a selfie with me? What’s that thing behind me?

CHUNG: Oh, he’s an underground moon creature. He won’t hurt you. But, he might want part of the fortune cookie!

You might also like:

In space – nobody can hear you sign
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

A Notary sees a UFO
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19929

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December 5, 2019

The 50th Notary High School Reunion

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 6:09 am

The 50th Notary High School Reunion

What could be more exciting than attending the biggest notary high school reunion of them all, the big 5-0? A chance to feel great that the cool kids grew up to be old and dumpy. And the geeks grew up to be old and dumpy. It’s the 50th. You were expecting “svelte?”

Jill: Hi?? … (noticing Jack’s notary high school picture nametag): Ohhhhh… Jack! Sorry for your loss.

Jack: Yeah, I went bald in notary college. You still look hot.

Jill: Thanks!

Jack: As in hot flash.

Jill: Menopause happened back in my fifties, so I’ll take that as a compliment. Are you still performing Notarial Acts?

Jack: I still witness signatures. The ones my kids make trying to sign me into a home.

Jill: At 68, they’re trying to put you in a nursing home? That’s not very nice.

Jack: I’m joking. I retired last year. Made a killing.

Jill: That’s great. How did you do it?

Jack: I was a notary specialist. My clients were all octopuses. Eight arms. Eight signatures.

Jill: That adds up. Remember our teachers in Notary Junior High? Mr. Guther?

Jack: How could I forget? He suspended me for embossing my private parts.

Jill: Oh yeah! You were a wild kid.

Jack: But I got an A in shop class for making the stamping device.

Jill: You affixed it to a tangible record, all right.

Jack: Weren’t you a cheerleader back then?

Jill: I sure was. I still remember our chant. “Give me an A, give me an F, give me an F, give me an I, give me a D, give me an A, give me a V, give me an I, give me a T, what’s that spell?

Jack: Affidavit?

Jill: I don’t know. I was a great cheerleader but a lousy speller.

You might also like:

Testing Carmen on a bridge in 2003
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21264

Notaries over 50
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21262

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December 4, 2019

A notary tries to be a comedian at a comedy club

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 6:04 am

There was a Notary who thought he was funny. But, he ended up having a lot of trouble at the comedy club. Here is what happened:

NOTARY: Hi, I’m mingling.

GIRL: Oh, that’s nice. This is a good comedy club.

NOTARY: I know, that’s why I came.

GIRL: I love comedy, it’s funny!

NOTARY: (pause… laughs abruptly) It’s just funny how you say it. It’s so obvious, of course comedy is funny. But, just the way you said it is funny. That’s right. Comedy — is — funny!

GIRL: Well your set is coming up.

MANAGER: Listen Notary, did you come to do comedy, or are you just joking around?

NOTARY: No, I’m here to do my set.

MANAGER: Good because there is nothing I love more than consensual sets.

NOTARY: And I brought a helmet so it will be protected sets.

GIRL: I didn’t see that one coming! Ha ha.

(Notary gets on stage)

NOTARY: So, this is a great crowd. Yeah… So, are there any Notaries here?

HECKLER: I don’t think Notaries can afford the $6 for drinks on what they make. Especially if there are eDocuments involved.

NOTARY: Normally I don’t like hecklers but you kind of have a point. When they asked for my six dollars I asked them to bill me and do a few fax backs. The bartender just gave me a blank look.

HECKLER: A blank look is better than a blank check.

NOTARY: You’re telling me, but don’t get your signatures in a bunch. So, did you hear the one about the two signatures that got married? They got divorced a week later. The writing was on the wall. The divorce ended up in a huge tangle. (pause) I guess they were not doctor signatures. I hope they had a good Attorney because the paperwork must have been a nightmare.

HECKLER: They would have to put the signatures on the documents which would mean they would have to multiply.

NOTARY: Hey, are you trying to steal my show? Actually, your jokes are even better than mine — so this will work out well. You must have a good writer.

HECKLER: It’s the same dumb-ass who writes your lines numbskull.

NOTARY: Good point. Wait a second, that means the writer is calling himself a numbskull.

HECKLER: He means it facetiously I’m sure. Okay. There was an embosser who bossed around the employees. Who’s the em-boss now?

NOTARY: I think he only has power over the employees in an em-mergency.

HECKLER: Good one. You must be learning from me.

NOTARY: Good God, what a thought. Okay. Got one. What do Notary seals and squids have in common?

HECKLER: Ummm. They both have ink?

NOTARY: Besides the ink…

HECKLER: Besides the ink?

NOTARY: Just kidding… it’s the ink.

HECKLER: You got me on that one! What about octopuses who do signings?

NOTARY: Yeah, they can answer the phone, fill in their journal, stamp the document and kiss the borrower’s wife all simultaneously. It’s kind of like being one of those Hindu Gods with all of the hands.

GIRL: Yes, there is nothing like hands-on experience.

HECKLER: I think that would be tentacles-on experience. Hey, look at that guy with the purple circles on his neck. Does he have a really good girlfriend or was he attacked by an octopus… speaking of octopuses?

NOTARY: No, that is Chinese gua-sha suction cupping. People use it to reduce tension and clear up blood flow. There is nothing funny about that. Olympians use it too, at least they showed evidence of it recently.

GIRL: Are you sure that isn’t an AIDS symptom?

NOTARY: It looks like it, but the AIDS circle is normally on your back or forehead and is smaller and looks different. Plus the color goes away in a few days if it is cupping. I went to a signing with cup marks once. I told the boss I had marks and he said do the signing anyway. Then he fired me because the borrowers complained. What a hypocrite.

GIRL: Men. On Monday they say one thing and on Tuesday they say another.

HECKLER: Kind of like a woman’s love. They try to hook you into a marriage, but halfway into the engagement they change their mind.

GIRL: Think of all the legal fees you saved. Speaking of legal fees, hey Notary, do you know any Attorney jokes?

NOTARY: Why don’t sharks attack Attorney-Notaries?

HECKLER: Oh, I know that one. Professional courtesy.

GIRL: No, it is because the Attorney-Notaries are so busy doing signings in Georgia that they don’t have time to go swimming.

NOTARY: Another possibility…. Okay, now we have a two-drink minimum, so when the drink lady comes, give her a nice order and a good tip. Deal?

JOHN: Do they have drinks with squid ink in them so I can have an official Notary drink?

NOTARY: There is no such thing, but there is Peruvian Inka Cola — try that. We have it on tap.

GIRL: I tried the certified angus burger with an embossed flat bread bun. Very delicious. But, not as good as the wagyu burger I had at the Japanese place.

NOTARY: Okay crowd. Now, A Notary was to notarize a husband and wife…

HECKLER: Oh, I didn’t know you were into that.

NOTARY: But, the wife wasn’t there and had to sign on another day. What do you do with the acknowledgment?

GIRL: Something kinky I hope.

HECKLER: You ruined it. I thought you were going to have a threesome and dress the wife up as a French maid or something. I think you have to use one acknowledgment for the guy and another for the girl, but not fill out the girl… oh that sounds kinky.. until you see her when her husband is not around on another date. You have to put the date the husband signed on the husband’s acknowledgment and the date the wife signed on hers.

NOTARY: Yeah, we Notaries sure love filling things out.

GIRL: Do you fill people out too?

NOTARY: You have to pay extra for that!

HECKLER: Oh! Good come back. I’m impressed. You should try improv!

NOTARY: One thing I don’t like about the amateur nights is that each person only gets three minutes and you are not allowed to interact as that is considered heckling. Thank God we don’t have that inconvenience here.

HECKLER: Yeah, I’ll say. People think you pay me to be here and harass you.

GIRL: You’re actually a big help and not that rude considering. I wish I could say the same about my ex-husband.

NOTARY: There was a rumor that I was having an affair with Jennifer Lopez, and the rumor spread all around Twitter, but I only got three responses. 1. Right on. 2. Awesome and 3. You wish… The third comment was from my wife. Okay, this has been a great show. Thanks and remember — keep stamping.

MANAGER: Yes folks, if you liked the show, stamp your feet on the ground to show solidarity with oppressed Notaries who stamp and stamp all day – well they stamp documents, but you will just have to be happy stamping on the floor for now. Thanks and you have been a great crowd. Damn it… they just ran out of Inka Soda. Why does this always happen on my shift?

You might also like:

Some comedians look for notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19931

Notary stand up routine
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20789

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December 3, 2019

California eNotary

Filed under: California_Notary — admin @ 6:02 am

There is a lot of talk about eNotarizations, especially in California. However, it is not currently legal for a Notary in California to do online notarizations. However electronic notarizations using a signature pad face to face with the signer are legal.

I heard from Carmen that California does not want to legalize online notarizations as there is too much of a risk of fraud. I am not sure how to verify this claim, but it makes sense as California has some of the highest notary standards for fraud deterance.

Read More.
https://www.sos.ca.gov/notary/customer-alerts/

You might also like:

eNotary and electric notarizations
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21344

Why you shouldn’t use an online notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22090

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