I had a dream that I bought a bar and wanted to make it the coolest place only, and for Notaries primarily. So, what I did was to create this apparatus called a “coolometer”. It is a little like how they strap you to a laughometer at comedy places where they charge by the laugh. The coolometer measures how cool you are, so the bouncer can decide whether or not to let you in on a busy night.

In any case, the machine has a rating from one to ten to test how cool you are. On a regular night you need to score at least four so we know you are not a complete dweeb. But, on the weekends you need to score at least six. Day time we did not have too many restrictions just as long as you weren’t scaring people away.

So, the bar did well. Many Notaries came and swapped stories about backdating, who paid, who didn’t, and more. Some Notaries decided to become pick up artists and come up with pick up lines (which usually didn’t work).

Do you sign her often?
What’s your sign?

LINE: Do your parents know that you hang out in dangerous neighborhoods after dark?
RESPONSE: This neighborhood isn’t dangerous.
LINE: It is when I’m here baby!

In any case, everyone had a good time and the bouncer had the necessary tools to pick them. Thank God he didn’t decide to screen people based on Notary knowledge otherwise the bar would have been empty. But, then, I decided to visit my own bar. The bouncer strapped me to my coolometer and said that I only scored a three and couldn’t come in. I said, “But, I invented this machine — not fair… plus I am the owner. What gives?” Then he said, “Just kidding.” I was so riled after that I had to have a home made ginger beer spiked with rum. Good God. And remember — Don’t drink and sign!

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