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April 1, 2019

No Notary left behind

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 10:28 am

A group of Notaries decided that enough was enough. They needed to go into battle to solve their problems. They wanted to fight a particular list of signing companies and get their back pay. The problem was, every time they went into battle, a notary would get shot down, and the group did not even realize that a brother had fallen. So, the group decided to be a little more attentive. They decided not to fail to notice if a brother had fallen and also watch out to make sure they didn’t miss a signature. If they had been looking for missing signatures, perhaps they wouldn’t have this problem getting paid in the first place. But, I digress.

So, they attacked XYZ signing company. The signing company shot Eddie down. Then another Notary came to get Eddie, and that other Notary was too shot down. Then a third Notary came to get Eddie and Notary #2 and too got shot down. Finally after the Notary army had lost half its men trying to rescue one, they realized that they would lose the war if they kept this up. They thought long and hard. They had discussions that went on and on for months. They meditated on the issue, but to no avail. Finally, one really weird Notary had an idea. They would ask George Costanza from Seinfeld what to do.

So, a Notary found George, and asked him how to handle these tactical battle situations. George thought about it. He pulled on his beard (yes, he has a beard now) made some grumbling noises then some whiny noises. Said, “hmm” a few times and then another “hmm.” Then he said, “I think I have your ansah. You remember the three second rule? If something drops in the garbage it’s okay to eat it if you retrieve it within three seconds? Well, you need a five minute rule. If one of your guys goes down, rescue him, but continue battle for five minutes before that. That way you still save your guy, but you have a fighting chance to win the battle.”

The Notaries pondered the five minute rule. They thought it was ridiculous, but what do you expect from a Seinfeld character, especially George. If they had asked Kramer, he would have said, “Wood Jerry wood, because I’ve gotta have wood around me!” or, “You gotta TAKE them by surprise. Yeah surprise. If they think you’re coming in front, come in from back when they’re LEAST expecting it. Surprise attack… I love it.”

Then the Notaries wanted to know what Jerry would say.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why do Notaries work for low-balling signing companies. You work all day for someone who either won’t pay you, or who wants to drive your price down to the point where there is barely any point in leaving the house. Personally, I got hired for a comedy gig where they wanted to offer me $30. The price was a joke. I got more laughs telling people what I was going to get paid, than from my material. Instead of fighting a war, don’t work for these companies in the first place. But, as far as George’s rule, five minutes is okay, but if the injury is serious, cut it down to maybe three and a half minutes. You’ve gotta have a sliding scale for these things.

KRAMER: What do you think Jerry? Is this a seven minute injury or more of a six.

JERRY: Ummm? That really looks like more of a three honestly. Yeah, I’d give it a three.

GEORGE: If we were in battle, but the time you assessed your sliding scale, the battle would be over and you would have been shot. I can’t believe this.

JERRY: Good point. But I’m a fast estimator. Just give me a nanosecond. Yup… It’s a three. Carry on troops. (bang bang)

ELAINE: Corporal, are you sure it isn’t a four? (bang bang)

JERRY: No, it’s a three alright. Just look at him. He’s in bad shape. (artillery fire… boom)

GEORGE: Personally I think it’s more of a five, but I never liked that guy, and besides, I’m getting heavy fire here. (bang bang)

ALL: No Notary left behind!

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January 25, 2019

Notary Hyatt Regency

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 7:16 am

Have you heard of the Notary Hotel or Notary Motel? If you have been working for high paying title companies, you can now afford the Notary Hyatt, but the breakfast isn’t included unless you have a special arrangement.

CHECK IN

NOTARY: Hi, I’m here to check in. I have a reservation for tonight.

CLERK: Ah yes, Mr. Public We’ve been awaiting your arrival.

NOTARY: Do I sign your journal based on the date I made the reservation or the date I check in?

CLERK: The date you check in — of course. Sign right here. And I will need a thumbprint.

NOTARY: Well I’m all thumbs — and besides, I’m too nice to give you the finger. Is it one journal entry per person per room, or one entry per person regardless of how many rooms?

CLERK: Just one journal entry, unless it is a corporate sale.

NOTARY: Do I get one key or two? And how about a pool wristband?

CLERK: The wristband has your inmate number on it, but can no longer be used for notarization per the new civil code 4583.45.

NOTARY: Oh, that’s too bad, but I don’t see myself being notarized in the hot tub. This is the first time I’ve heard “notarized” and “hot” in the same sentence.

CLERK: We certify that it gets up to 125. Don’t scald yourself. But you can get notarized underwater in the pool using our new underwater eNotary technology.

NOTARY: Great. If they drown, I can notarize their Death Certificate. Is the underwater eNotary technology hands free? My mother told me never to use electric appliances in the bath tub.

CLERK: No you just use your finger like you would paying your bill at a restaurant on one of those eSignatures. You can even buy a wet noodle underwater using our system.

NOTARY: That’s great, because I want to visit your Chinese spot next door. Can I get a Chinese continental breakfast with Shao Bing You Tiao tomorrow?

CLERK: Sorry — wrong continent. But, I will give you a complimentary breakfast ticket. Use it from 6am to 10am downstairs — don’t lose this. And here is your room key. It looks like a notary seal, just affix it to the rectangular pad on your door to get in.

MAID SERVICE: You will love our soaps in your room. We have one soap that is made with squid ink — especially for Notaries. An ancient Chinese saying says it helps you notarize better.

NOTARY: Hmm, never knew Confucius ever needed a Notary.

MAID SERVICE: Oh all the time. During the analects, he had to see a Notary several times in fact. And one more thing. There is a password to get into your room. We do this to keep the fake Notaries out. The computer embedded in the door will ask you to give Oath verbiage just to make sure you are upholding the law as a Notary Public. If you fail to give an applicable Oath, you might have to come down for a tutoring session before you get to sample our soaps.

NOTARY: I heard the remote for the TV was shaped like a Notary seal.

MAID SERVICE: That it is. But it is not one of those PhD remotes. It is really simple. Here, let me emboss your breakfast card so you can get a free omelette.

NOTARY: Cool, I mean hot.

(meanwhile the notary goes to his room.)

NOTARY: Wow, this joint is plush city… I wonder what’s on television. Oh, the Notary Channel. Who would have thought. Oh, another Notary channel for adults — Lucy embosses the seven sailors. Very naughty. I wonder how I can see a movie. Oh, I need to be notarized to see a movie to make sure I did not hit the buy key by mistake. My remote does a print out, I sign it, and then maid service notarizes it? Hmm. Let me ring.

MAID SERVICE: Hola — lociento pero no Ingles senor.. Just kidding!!!! You rang? Need something notarized? I love this concept. I am notarizing a Notary. Isn’t that like marrying your sister?

NOTARY: Not exactly. Here is the printout. I am ordering the movie Nancy breaks down the acknowledgment process. Something nerdy to fall asleep to.

MAID SERVICE: Oh, that is a good film. Nancy gets arrested in part three because she does something illegal by mistake because she skimmed through the tutorial instead of mastering the materials.

NOTARY: Finally a notary so bad, even Nicholas Cage won’t star in it. I gotta see this. Okay, here is my ticket. Please notarize it.

MAID SERVICE: This is a form is the same as a credit card receipt. There is no room for my notary seal!!! Just kidding, we use a small one for these forms. We have a customized seal for it in fact that we use just for movies. It is cleared with the Secretary of State too.

NOTARY: Super. How much do I owe you?

MAID SERVICE: Just a review on Yelp please. That is worth more than gold — providing it is a good review.

NOTARY: Well I’m going to say how you ruined the movie by telling me what happens in part 3.

MAID SERVICE: But, I didn’t tell you how it ends… So there will still be mucho suspense!

NOTARY : Good point.

(At breakfast)

Wow, I just love these eight large bronze circular containers with lids. This is a high-class breakfast. Or should I say Hyatt class. Hmm, the breakfast skillet looks good with the sausage, potatoes, onions, and peppers, I’ve never seen this before except at Denny’s, well, the pictures in the menu at Denny’s. Oh, certified Costa Rican coffee. That looks good. I love this place. (20 minutes later) Time to go back upstairs.

(At door to room)

DOOR: Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, “I want to take a shower.”

NOTARY: I don’t understand the question.

DOOR: Entry denied.

NOTARY: Hey, I paid a lot to stay here!!!

DOOR: But, this hotel is for Notaries only. If you don’t know how to administer an Oath, you are not a real Notary. You are fraud. Fraud alert buz buzz buzz. Fraud alert.

NOTARY: Okay okay okay. Do you solemly Affirm that whatever… that I want to take a shower.”

DOOR: BUZZZ wrong!!! You are having ME swear that I want to take a shower, not that YOU want to take a shower. And in an Oath, you swear not affirm. Don’t they teach you anything in Notary school?

NOTARY: In my state we don’t have Notary school.

DOOR: You can say that again. Please go downstairs for your tutorial and we will need to re-zap your key.

NOTARY: Is that the correct verb, to zap my key for another 24 hours of entry?

DOOR: Some people say “re-key” or configure your key.

(meanwhile downstairs)

TEACHER: Hello student. Do you know the difference between an Oath and an Affirmation?

NOTARY: Ummm.. Aren’t they the same?

TEACHER: They can be used interchangeably, but if the customer requests one, you cannot give them the other, that would be choosing the notary act for them and these are distinctly different, yet interchangeable notary acts.

NOTARY: Umm, but what if the signer doesn’t want to talk about God?

TEACHER: You can recommend an Affirmation if they don’t like God — their maker. But you cannot choose for them.

NOTARY: What if they object to the absence of God?

TEACHER: Not in this century. This is the no God century. I’ll be surprised if the entire earth doesn’t fry. Hell, fire and brimstone!!! Just say to the door, “Do you solemnly swear that you want to take a shower?” Then, wait for the door to say yes. Then, you will have to figure out how to get the door in the shower, and how it will have privacy where there is no door in the doorway.

NOTARY: Hmmm, very good point. But, wouldn’t it be the computer in the door that wants a shower? Perhaps we could give it a waterproof shower using new technology. Unless the door is just testing me.

(back upstairs)

NOTARY: I’m ready. I’m putting my key in, or my notary seal against the stamp pad. Open sesame.

DOOR: I have signed this paper and want an Acknowledged signature. Would that be okay?

NOTARY: Well I don’t feel comfortable notarizing something that you already signed. Can you sign it again?

DOOR: How badly do you want your shower with the soap with squid ink in it — in minute quantities of course.

NOTARY: Okay I’ll do it. Will I end up in jail like Nancy?

DOOR: If you read (not skimmed) but read your handbook, you would know. Access granted.

NOTARY: What a relief. Just as a disclaimer, the real Hyatt does not do stuff like this. They just let you into your room with your key with no notary questions. This blog is about the Notary Hyatt — completely different place. But, you know something. I like this place so much, I’d like to stay here for the rest of my commission until my expiration date. I wonder if they can make me a key that works for that long. In any case, I have appointments today, so I have to check out. Let’s see how that procedure works.

FRONT DESK: Please destroy your notary seal key and bring it to the Secretary of State County Clerk office on the main floor.

NOTARY: Where is that?

FRONT DESK: The next desk over. You will need to take your Oath of non-office there too now that you are checking out. It’s like a Notary Oath of office in reverse.

NOTARY: Got it. I’m filled with energy from the waffles, so I think I can handle it. See you next time.

.

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Notary Hotel 2 — The Sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

Discounts for early booking a Notary appointment? Hotels do this.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19072

.

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December 14, 2018

Notary arrested for stealing spices from borrowers

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 12:29 am

It is common for people to go to other people’s homes and steal Oxy-codene. However, this is a new one. There was a rash in what I call spice-jacking in the Orange County area of California. It turned out to be just one guy, and a notary. But, the authorities caught on and published some public awareness materials about the subject…

You may not know if you have been spice-jacked. Answer this questionaire, and if you said yes to five or more items on this list — contact the authorities immediately — you have been spice jacked…

Have you been notarized in the last six months?
Did the notary ask you to swear on your mother’s cooking instead of a bible? Or did he substitute the bible for a Julia Child’s encyclopedia of cooking?

Has your cumin come out?
Has your coriander meandered?
Has your rose-mary been annulled?
Is your mint no longer in mint condition?
Is your tarragon just gon?
Are you no longer on the same page with your sage? (or is it showing age?)
Has your card-amom been declined (or expired)?
Have your bay leave(s) become bay left(s)?
Has your garam masala (Indian spice mix) lost its kick?
Has your turmeric’s turm expired?
Has your oregano become ore-went-and-did-not-come-back?
Has your aleppo pepper been receiving funds from Putin?
Has your haba-near-o become haba-far-away-o?
Have your c-loves turned to c-hates?
Has your ginger disappeared and then reappeared on a deserted island with Gilligan?

If so, you may have been spice jacked. Please call 888-888-8888 for immediate assistance.

The notary who committed these crimes had a last minute call for an airport notarization. Someone needed one of those permission to travel forms to have their uncle take their kid to Zacatecas in Mexico. These forms typically need to be notarized if going to Mexico. So, the notary did the notarization, got paid cash, and then proceeded to the airport restaurant. At the next table over some TSA personel were having lunch. Then some other TSA people came over with their K-9. The K-9 started sniffing the Notary’s bag. The officer was sure that they would find drugs, but all they found were remains of… you guessed it… oregano and some exotic imported red pepper powder from Egypt. The authorities then had the Notary bring them to his car where they found a huge stash of stolen spices which the Notary had obtained from his various Notary appointments. He loved Notarizing Indians specifically for this reason. The authorities contacted Orange County police and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, from now on, keep your spices under lock and key just in case some other culinarily inspired Notaries get the wrong idea about your marjoram or herbs du provence.

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October 12, 2018

Notary insurance – it happened to us before and we covered it

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:43 am

We’ve seen almost everything so we cover almost everything.
We know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.

NOTARY: Am I covered if a pack of reindeer trample my car on the way to a signing?

INSURANCE GUY: We had that happen to a client before and we covered it.

NOTARY: What if I accidentally swallow my Notary seal before I notarize a loan?

INSURANCE GUY: Ummm, you probably won’t get paid for that transaction.

NOTARY: My teenage son stole my Notary seal and vandalized his school’s basketball court with it.

INSURANCE GUY: You’re on your own buddy.

NOTARY: What if I notarize a guy as John W Smith whose ID only says John Smith, find out I notarized an imposter who embezzled all of someone’s life savings that they had as equity in their home and get sued.

INSURANCE GUY: We’ve seen that before and we covered.

NOTARY: What if a meteorite crashes through the roof of a living room while I am doing a signing and that damages my Notary seal.

INSURANCE GUY: We cover that unless the meteorite falls during a war or natural disaster that is registered with the registry of natural disasters. If it is a disaster of natural causes that is not registered as a natural disaster than it would be classified as a natural non-natural disaster if that makes sense.

NOTARY: (thinking…) Um… I think that makes sense, kind of. What if I’m playing catch the embosser and it hits my friend on the head and he goes into a coma.

INSURANCE GUY: We cover that.

NOTARY: Thanks

INSURANCE GUY: Don’t worry, you’re covered!

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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do.

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfulness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you disserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that?

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

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April 20, 2018

A Notary sees a UFO

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 10:38 am

NOTARY: I saw a UFO, I really did, I really did.

SAL: Sure you did pal, we all saw it too…. not…

NOTARY: No, you gotta understand. I really saw it. It had lights and everything.

(The next day — the notary is coming home from an appointment. He sees lights and a UFO coming down from the sky slowly.)

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me?

ALIEN: No, but can you like us on Facebook?

NOTARY: Yesterday, I saw a UFO on my way back from a Notary job, and nobody believed me.

ALIEN: We can do something about that. We’ll reverse the situation. Hey Quantum, get the memory erasing device.

QUANTUM: Here it is.

ALIEN: (zip sound) Go back to your home earthling.

(Then, the space ship circled around town making a huge profile of itself.)

SAL: Hey, did you see that UFO? Everybody saw it. You were right.

NOTARY: I don’t remember seeing it. I think my memory blacked out that night. There seem to be three hours missing from my day yesterday. I have no idea what happened. I just remember a cornfield.

SAL: What are those strange marks on your neck. Did they inject you with something?

NOTARY: Oh God. I’ll have to see that shrink and go into a trance to figure out what happened.

(The next day… the spaceship returns.)

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me?

ALIEN: Actually, we need these forms notarized. We have an intergallactic driver license. It is a government issued photo ID and expires in the earth year 3026.

NOTARY: Uh-huh. I cannot accept that partly because it has no issue date in earth years and also because you Aliens all look alike.

ALIEN: Hey, I resent that, I’m way better looking than Quazar over here even though I’m 300 years older. I’m actually 412.

NOTARY: Really, you don’t look a day over 399. Oh my God, what are we talking about. What am I doing here. But, if we can go into a time warp, California used to allow notarizing Jurats without ID back in 2001.

ALIEN: No problem, we have that technology but rarely use it. Unfortunately your seal would not have been issued in that date.

NOTARY: I kept the old one.

ALIEN: We are in business. Go and get it!

NOTARY: The main thing is that instead of me being the only one to see a UFO, this time around, everybody else saw it except me. Go figure!

.

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The Steve Jobs Notary Smart-Seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16522

Notary Space Station
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

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December 22, 2017

Notarization in The Trang

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:07 am

In a previous Notary story, a Notary who was stationed in Vietnam had to go with Johnny, a hardened warrior on an undercover mission to a prisoner of war camp to do a POA for a POW. Wish them luck.

JOHNNY: “Okay, men. Now this mission is dangerous, and it will take twenty days on foot to get where we are going. Any questions?”

HARRY (The Notary): “Several things. First of all, is there a Baskin Robbins on the way and second, you behave like an ape in the morning.

JOHNNY: “I’m a Guerilla, not an ape. I learned to fight from the finest of Vietcong soldiers… before I killed them. I killed 120 soldiers in my career — most of them with my bare hands or by carving their heart out of their chest with my knife.

SIMON: “Sounds charming. Do you have any objections to just shooting someone with a semi like the rest of us?”

JOHNNY: “I have nothing against it. I would do it if I had to. I just prefer doing it with my hands. It’s amazingly theraputic.”

JURATSTITUTE: “Hi, guys. You need Notary? I do for you. $5, notarize you long time. You like.”

JOHNNY: “Maybe another time. We’re on a mission. Okay men. Now, remember, the prison camp is not called ‘The Trang’, nor is it located in De Trang which orally sounds similar to The Trang. We are going to a remote village in the hills West of Danang.”

JURATSTITUTE: “Oh, I have friend in Danang, she specialize in Affirmations. You want to look her up?”

HARRY: “I’ll do the affirmations for now. But, thanks anyway. And, I like the word The Trang. It sounds like a place where you go to the bathroom — turn out the lights if you use The Trang.. Or maybe a jungle prison camp where they torture people with bamboo slits and other gruesome methods.”

JOHNNY: “Okay, as a decorated soldier in the United States Military, I now officially pronounce that we will call the location we are going to — The Trang, even though it is not normally called that. I am agreeing with Harry even though he is an idtiot, because the name sounds cool. That way I can tell all my buddies back home what it was like to be locked up in The Trang, before I escaped and killed all the guards with my bare hands, and the help of a few poisonous snakes I found outside who were a real help.

SIMON: “I like the fact that you give snakes credit when credit is due.”

HARRY: “I think that Jeremy at 123notary.com would like to know if you acknowledge, state, swear or affirm that we will call this location The Trang?”

JOHNNY: “What difference does it make?”

SIMON: “To us, no difference, but Jeremy is a stickler for semantics and diction.”

JOHNNY: “Well, I’ve never thought of myself as anti-semantic. I love the Jewish people. Their culture is the bedrock that our society is built on. The belief in one God, rules of conduct, the ten commandments.”

SIMON: “No, not anti-semitic, anti-semantic. Never mind.”

—– (the next day) ——

JOHNNY: “Okay men. Now we are on day two of our trip. We need to set up the booby trap for the night. We don’t want anyone sneaking up on us while we sleep. Happens all the time around here.”

HARRY: “Why don’t we make them swear to an Affidavit that they won’t sneak up on us… Aren’t you being a bit like the Vietcong?”

JOHNNY: “My motto is when in Rome, do as the Romans do. I learned from the best snipers, booby trap makers, and hand to hand combaticians in the business. In fact, I don’t stop there. I meditate on the consciousness of the best Vietcong soldiers because they have 25 years of jungle war experience while Americans want to solve their problems by carpet bombing. Such a lack of commitment cannot win a war. You have to mean it. But, my whole skill set changed dramatically one year ago.”

SIMON: “What earthshaking event happened one year ago where you learned some sudden skill?”

JOHNNY: “I was reading a book about the Sioux, the Mayans and some of the other indiginous peoples who were known for their excellent war skills. Every tribe I read about said that you should either wear the skin or horns of the type of animal you want to be more like to enhance your hunting or fighting skills. However, you can also eat part of the animal. So, one day, I ate part of the brain of one of the most talented Vietcong soldiers I ever had the pleasure and honor of killing. I would have eaten more, except I’m watching my cholesterol.”

HARRY: “I’m a little worried. We are a little short of food for a twenty day journey. What are we going to do?”

JOHNNY: “We’re going to have kung pao tonight. If our booby trap yields us any results, we’ll have more meat than we can handle. Plus, I can hang the body in the trail to scare the other Vietcong. I call it — psychological warfare.”

SIMON: “I call it being psycho. But, I’ve heard that stuff really works. They have recurring nightmares because of that type of stuff.”

JOHNNY: “If you can mess up their minds enough for several weeks before battle, you gain an edge in the battle men. Now it’s time for sleep. Don’t step on any pungi sticks — they’ll cut right through you.”

HARRY: “How will I know where they are?”

JOHNNY: “They are hidden under banana leaves beneath the surface. Just step slowly and see if the ground holds you — or better yet — don’t move!”

(the next day)

HARRY: “I guess no kung pao for us.”

JOHNNY: “We’ll just have to pray for some tomorrow. We need something to give to the prisoners to rejuvinate them. They only get half a bowl of rice per day. And we have to notarize a POA for the POW to have his motorcycle released so his wife can sell it — and also let the wife know that Sam is still alive.

(a week later)

JOHNNY: “Don’t move… I hear rustling. There might be an explosion. Don’t budge a nanometer.” (boom — crash, crash, bullet sounds, firecrackers, boom, pow, silence…”Gentlemen, it looks like we will be having kung pao — finally. Let’s see if he is already cooked or if we have to cook him.”

HARRY: “Don’t you feel sorry for the families of the Vietcong you have killed?”

JOHNNY: “I know, what about their husbands and kids. Oh, and some of them are male soldiers too who might have wives. I almost forgot. The way I look at it is that my tactics might be brutal, but my way of fighting removes the necessity for bombing sprees in areas that have civilians making my way of fighting highly moral. No little children get burned my way — only bad guys, and a few low flying birds, and a monkey once (delicious) and a few squirrels.

HARRY: “A point well made. Speaking of points, where did you bury the pungi sticks?”

JOHNNY: “They are near the trail… tread lightly. Now let’s cook this guy. Would you prefer a leg or a wing? And let’s leave some leftovers in a bowl to freak out other VC guys who come wandering around here later. We’ll put the bowl under the hanging body. It’s sort of a — you mess with us, this is what happens to you type of a not so subtle message.”

(another week later)

SIMON: “I think this meat we have is holding up. The salt really preserves it. We need to strengthen the guys out if we are to walk twenty days with them.”

JOHNNY: “There is no time for that unless you want to camp out and feed them every night, sneaking in and risking our lives. It is easier to just kill all the guards and make a clean break. We’ll be at The Trang in one hour. I’ve walked this trail many times before and obviously lived to tell about it.”

HARRY: “The question is, do we subdue the guards with poisoned darts, spiders, snakes, hand to hand combat, or just shoot them?”

JOHNNY: “I like the way you think. Or maybe the guards will need something notarized too. If we throw a tarantula at the guards, they will be focused on the spider, and not us, so we can do our thing without too much opposition. Or maybe the spider will finish them off.”

HARRY: “How do you know which spiders are poisonous? Did you read up on spiders at the base or take a nature walk while your commander taught you about each one?”

JOHNNY: “If only I had a commander like that. Only the VC’s teach them men real fighting skills like that. If only we lived in a perfect world we would learn that. Once again, I had to learn on my own. Okay, we’re here. Let’s round up the spiders and put them in this case. Good. Okay. You guys wait here. I might not come out alive. This is a profession with a high attrition rate due mainly to decapitation, incareration in POW camps, loss of limbs, and sometimes spider bites — knock on wood. If I don’t come back — drink this.”

HARRY: “And what is this?”

JOHNNY: “Spider venom. It will kill you fast. No pain. You’ll never survive around here without me.”

SIMON: “Ummm.. Thanks… I guess.”

JOHNNY: “That’s the biggest favor anyone ever did for you. Otherwise you would die slowly in a prison camp. The only reason I lived was because of my impenetrable will to live — and also my will to kill more enemy soldiers with my hands — so theraputic! Men… I’m going in.

Johnny hid in a tree. A guard came close. Johnny dropped from the tree, slit the VC guys throat and never saw it coming and never felt a thing. Johnny threw a throwing star at another guard’s throat. Then he went in and threw spiders at everyone, took cover, and shot all the guards one by one. The whole operation took only six minutes. Going out, he had to disable a few wires that would have spelled death for his escape. Then he went in and got what was left of Sam the POW. He was so skinny.

JOHNNY: “We are leaving The Trang now. Let’s get you to where our guys are camped out and then we’ll notarize you.”

SAM: “The what? this place is not called The Trang. How did you know I needed a Notary?”

JOHNNY: “Well we call it The Trang. It’s Harry’s idea. We heard from some other guy who was released and was on TV back at the base in South Caroline. He announced you were still alive and needed a Notary. So, I brought Harry.

SAM: “Oh, thanks, but I already got my paper notarized by someone yesterday who I found on 123notary.com.”

JOHNNY: “You mean I travelled twenty days on foot, killed six people in cold blood — which I enjoyed immensely, and risked getting blown to shreds in a booby trap or too, and you have already been Notarized?”

SAM: “I’m just puling your leg. There is no 123notary.com in Danang. At least not yet.”

JOHNNY: “So, you look a little skinny. Have some kung pao Thuy. I know it’s Thuy because I checked the ID and took a fingerprint.”

HARRY: “You took a fingerprint. Well where is the finger right now?”

JOHNNY: “You probably don’t want to know. The left finger is still in the jungle probably. The right finger. Well, let’s not point fingers…”

SIMON: “We’re cannibals! Mmm. This is really good! These prints look so artistic. Have you heard of the artist formerly known as prints?”

JOHNNY: I don’t think that guy will come into being until the 90’s with that name. At least that’s what I picked up in a meditation while I was meditating on the consciousness of a wild puma. I’d love to have a puma paw right about now. And some Baskin Robbins.

HARRY: “Now you’re talking. By the way, before we forget. Sam… Please sign here.”

SAM: “I’m so weak I can only sign with an X. Do you have two subscribing witnesses?”

HARRY: “Two what? No just kidding. I read Jeremy’s course so I know exactly what you mean. They have to sign the journal which by the way has mold on it from the trip. But, I kept it in a waterproof binder. Oh, you were just kidding. You can sign just fine. Sign my journal too please… Great. I will affix my stamp here. Done. You are notarized. You can die of exhaustion now and your wife will get to sell your bike.

SAM: “Just what I wanted. But, after this kung pao, I feel a sense of envigoration. Let’s walk 400 miles.”

SIMON: “Just for the record, we calculate distance in kilometers. We are in Vietnam now.”

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June 2, 2017

Notary Ed — similar to Driver’s Education

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:27 am

Notaries go to school in many states, but there is no hands on training which is what we desperately need a few hours of. During driver’s education, your teacher is sitting right next to you. The best part is that he has a brake pedal on his side of the car just in case. With the types of Notaries out there these days, I think you need a Notary Ed teacher with a brake pedal as well.

TEACHER: Okay Johnny, now we are going to go into the signing. Now walk carefully!

JOHNNY: Yes teacher.

TEACHER: Now you are going to sit down in the red chair. Your client Mr. Higglesby will be sitting in the other chair. Now don’t worry about anything, I’ve got you covered.

JOHNNY: No problem.

MR. HIGGLESBY: Hello Joseph!

JOHNNY: It’s Johnny… by the way…

TEACHER: That’s okay, the point of our transaction is NOT for the client to correctly identify the Notary, but for the Notary to ______.

JOHNNY: For the Notary to positively identify the signer by verifying his or her identification document that has a photo, physical description, serial number and expiration date.

TEACHER: Very good Johnny. We’re on the right track.

JOHNNY: Ummmm…. May I see some identification please? Such as a drivers license or current passport?

MR. HIGGLESBY: Here you go. This is my California Driver License

JOHNNY: Great, I’ll notarize you.

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Hey! Why did you put the brakes on, I was doing just fine!

TEACHER: You forgot a few steps Johnny. Do you know what steps you forgot?

JOHNNY: Oh yeah, the journal and one other thing.

TEACHER: Mr. Higglesby forgot to sign the document.

JOHNNY: Oh yeah… Ooops. Okay, please sign here, and then sign my journal.

***** Mr. Higglesby signs in both places.

JOHNNY: Okay, NOW I can notarize you!

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Again? But, I did everything right?

TEACHER: You’re going to get a ticket if you keep going on like this young man. You forgot to check the signature on the ID to see if it matches the one on the document and in the journal. Make sure he is not an imposter who is forging the signature — it happens.

JOHNNY: Oh, I didn’t think of that. I guess that’s why the world needs good Notaries, right? That’s what you are supposed to say. Never mind. Okay… the signatures match, and the photo looks like the guy — balding a little more. Let me thumbprint him just to be safe. I have my NNA inkless thumbprinter. I never understood how you can have flourless cake and inkless thumbprinters, it just doesn’t add up.

TEACHER: Now Daniel-san, or grasshopper, or whatever your name is — now, you are ready to go out into the world. Just do the cross outs for the he/she/they, sign and stamp the Acknowledgment form and we’re out of here!

JOHNNY: Done! Can I notarize fast now?

TEACHER: By the way. That chair you are sitting on? It comes with invisible air bags, just in case you notarize a fraud. Let’s do a few more trial runs with a few snags to get you in shape before we notarize fast. I don’t want you to get pulled over!

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March 3, 2017

Notary Fish Market

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 9:35 pm

As Notaries, we normally think about our commissions, our fax machine and our jobs. One thing we don’t think about is where we purchase our fish which is actually quite important. Fish is brain food, and nothing beats keeping your brain up to par. Thinking about a wide variety of subjects including language learning, math problem solving, business problems, politics, and gossip also can strengthen your mind. Memorizing the contents of your state’s Notary handbook however is the ideal way to exercise your brain. In any case, here is what you are missing out on by not going to the fish market.

Juneau where she said the fresh wild caught salmon is from?
I dunno, A’ll-ask-kah
Remember the Alaska Notary Public in one of our satirical blogs whose price was one piece of salmon if you wanted an accompanying Oath to an Acknowledged signature? His price went up, now he’s asking for brand names like Sockeye salmon. Boy, the nerve of these Notaries.

Notarial Squid — You can get high quality Notary ink from a squid. Even if you don’t use it in your seal, you can use it in a feather pen. In Chinese the name for squid is “you-yu,” but I just learned in Taiwanese dialect it’s, “tou-chou.” Why such a huge difference?

Norwegian Notary Halibut — Try some just for the halibut.

Crabcakes — Not something you call your girlfriend. But, due to new law changes, a Maryland crabcake can be dual commissioned in Washington D.C. and Virginia.

Diets — Garfield was once on a Seafood diet. “I see food and I eat it.”

Snails — Some Notaries are so slow, they notarize at a snail’s pace. Well, now you can get a vehicle to match at the Notary Fish Market called an S-car that will get you going where you’re going really slow. Look at the “S-Car-Go!”

Lobster — The signing company owners are all out getting lobster while they are not paying you! The nerve! So, if you want to collect from signing companies, just hang out in the lobster section. We ID them, so we know who is who.

Swordfish — I asked if they also had a daggerfish. Can’t have a swordfish without a daggerfish. They responded that they did not, but they just got an import of some Japanese Samurai Swordfish!

Tilapia — This fish is good for Notaries on a budget who only get $40 signings. You can work your way up from there.

Bass — For Notaries who are low-key. Good if marinated in miso by the way — just don’t over do it.

Clams — for Notaries who have a hard time opening up and making small talk at signings.

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You might also like:

Notary Restaurant Post Compilation
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17442

Welcome to the Notary zoo
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15994

Notary Sushi Bar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15093

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January 27, 2017

Notary Space Station; In Space, Nobody Can Hear You Sign!

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Some Notaries were sent into space for an experiment. They were there to see what the realities are of notarizing in space. Sam tossed his Notary seal in the air, and it floated to the other side of the shuttle. Samantha wanted him to get that Notary seal “down”, but which way was down? Eventually Sam recovered his instrument of destruction, but Samantha wasn’t amused. They were waiting for a replacement part for a high tech to be sent from Earth along with some other goodies. A TEA agent was to be sent in the ship to assure that delivery was successful.

Sam, Samantha and the others were practicing using all types of futuristic Notary seals. Of course to them it was not futuristic as they were living in 2040. Sam was happy that he could live a year in 365 days 23 hours and 57 minutes because they were traveling faster than the speed of the Earth up there do the warp in the time-space continuum. Not only was space warped, but Sam’s choice of humor was also a bit warped.

The most evolved machine could move itself over an ID, scan it for genuineness, inspect journal signatures, and then seal the document with hi-tech ink. But, they needed a replacement part that was coming tomorrow.

Then, the shuttle came. It approached the space station, it slowly adjusted itself. It docked successfully. They opened the connecting hatch happily in hopes of seeing Jim the TEA agent. But, Jim’s body was laying there in pieces with blood all over it. And creatures from the movie Alien were there — three of them. Mom, Dad, and a little one who was munching on Jim’s flesh. Then, there was a loud scream.

Samantha tapped Sam on the shoulder and said, “You were just having a bad dream. Was it a dream about a Notarization?”
Then Sam said, “No, it was a dream about the creature from Alien getting off that shuttle and killing us all.
Samantha said, “Well you know what they say — in space, no one can hear you sign! — or scream…”

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You might also like:

A Notary sees a UFO
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19929

Notary Airport
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17062

Signing with a former airline captain
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=12870

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