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August 31, 2017

Notary Chess Sets

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 9:44 am

Notary chess sets are a little different than conventional or non-conforming chess sets.

The rooks look like notary seals.

The king is the secretary of state.

Carmen is the queen of the notary industry, so she gets to be the queen.

Jeremy is the knight, because he’s very agile and can jump in and out of complicated business situations.

For you boomers out there, the white bishop is Joey. But the black bishop is a Catholic priest to whom borrowers can say, “Forgive me, Father, for I have rescinded.”

The pawns are the notaries.

Each chess piece has to have an I.D. and the board is shaped like a square document. Where to place the signature? If you know the answer to that, you’re smart enough to play notary chess! And you thought regular chess was challenging!

Rook to A4, your move…

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June 2, 2017

Notary Ed — similar to Driver’s Education

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:27 am

Notaries go to school in many states, but there is no hands on training which is what we desperately need a few hours of. During driver’s education, your teacher is sitting right next to you. The best part is that he has a brake pedal on his side of the car just in case. With the types of Notaries out there these days, I think you need a Notary Ed teacher with a brake pedal as well.

TEACHER: Okay Johnny, now we are going to go into the signing. Now walk carefully!

JOHNNY: Yes teacher.

TEACHER: Now you are going to sit down in the red chair. Your client Mr. Higglesby will be sitting in the other chair. Now don’t worry about anything, I’ve got you covered.

JOHNNY: No problem.

MR. HIGGLESBY: Hello Joseph!

JOHNNY: It’s Johnny… by the way…

TEACHER: That’s okay, the point of our transaction is NOT for the client to correctly identify the Notary, but for the Notary to ______.

JOHNNY: For the Notary to positively identify the signer by verifying his or her identification document that has a photo, physical description, serial number and expiration date.

TEACHER: Very good Johnny. We’re on the right track.

JOHNNY: Ummmm…. May I see some identification please? Such as a drivers license or current passport?

MR. HIGGLESBY: Here you go. This is my California Driver License

JOHNNY: Great, I’ll notarize you.

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Hey! Why did you put the brakes on, I was doing just fine!

TEACHER: You forgot a few steps Johnny. Do you know what steps you forgot?

JOHNNY: Oh yeah, the journal and one other thing.

TEACHER: Mr. Higglesby forgot to sign the document.

JOHNNY: Oh yeah… Ooops. Okay, please sign here, and then sign my journal.

***** Mr. Higglesby signs in both places.

JOHNNY: Okay, NOW I can notarize you!

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Again? But, I did everything right?

TEACHER: You’re going to get a ticket if you keep going on like this young man. You forgot to check the signature on the ID to see if it matches the one on the document and in the journal. Make sure he is not an imposter who is forging the signature — it happens.

JOHNNY: Oh, I didn’t think of that. I guess that’s why the world needs good Notaries, right? That’s what you are supposed to say. Never mind. Okay… the signatures match, and the photo looks like the guy — balding a little more. Let me thumbprint him just to be safe. I have my NNA inkless thumbprinter. I never understood how you can have flourless cake and inkless thumbprinters, it just doesn’t add up.

TEACHER: Now Daniel-san, or grasshopper, or whatever your name is — now, you are ready to go out into the world. Just do the cross outs for the he/she/they, sign and stamp the Acknowledgment form and we’re out of here!

JOHNNY: Done! Can I notarize fast now?

TEACHER: By the way. That chair you are sitting on? It comes with invisible air bags, just in case you notarize a fraud. Let’s do a few more trial runs with a few snags to get you in shape before we notarize fast. I don’t want you to get pulled over!

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May 26, 2017

123 Notary prisoners released from Guantanamo Bay

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 9:29 am

The original tweet from Donald Trump was:

“122 vicious Notary prisoners at Gitmo released by the Obama administration. They have returned to sign again. Just another terrible decision.”

I changed 122 to 123, and anyway the above was not a real tweet, but based on a real tweet which was:
“122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama Administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!”

Honestly, a tweet about a prisoner release from Guantanamo Bay should feature a release of 140 characters, not 123. But, then maybe 17 were bored to death (since they were Notaries) or water bored(ed) to death.

We learned from our sources (which were probably fake news) that the Notaries were subjected to cruel and unusual punishment including torture. One Notary claimed they were water boarded until they would backdate a signature. But, the water smeared the ink, so the notarization was voided anyway.

Another Notary went on a hunger strike until he could see Juana La Cubana who is in her nineties, but still alive and well in Cuba.

The others were Haitian refugees posing as Notaries who were detained there.

Notaries were routinely coerced into signing documents — and Acknowledgments were not the only thing they executed over there.

Now the Notaries are free and on the loose returning to the signing field. Some were found recruiting for ISIgnS speading extremist Notary propaganda. Others were found in Syria cutting off people’s middle initials from stolen passports. There were many forced Notarized conversions to Notary-ism. Anyone who disagrees with their radical interpretation of Notary Law would be forced to expire whether their commission had or had not.

In any case, how do you notarize people from Syria when most of their identification is known to be forged or stolen?

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March 3, 2017

Notary Fish Market

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 9:35 pm

As Notaries, we normally think about our commissions, our fax machine and our jobs. One thing we don’t think about is where we purchase our fish which is actually quite important. Fish is brain food, and nothing beats keeping your brain up to par. Thinking about a wide variety of subjects including language learning, math problem solving, business problems, politics, and gossip also can strengthen your mind. Memorizing the contents of your state’s Notary handbook however is the ideal way to exercise your brain. In any case, here is what you are missing out on by not going to the fish market.

Juneau where she said the fresh wild caught salmon is from?
I dunno, A’ll-ask-kah
Remember the Alaska Notary Public in one of our satirical blogs whose price was one piece of salmon if you wanted an accompanying Oath to an Acknowledged signature? His price went up, now he’s asking for brand names like Sockeye salmon. Boy, the nerve of these Notaries.

Notarial Squid — You can get high quality Notary ink from a squid. Even if you don’t use it in your seal, you can use it in a feather pen. In Chinese the name for squid is “you-yu,” but I just learned in Taiwanese dialect it’s, “tou-chou.” Why such a huge difference?

Norwegian Notary Halibut — Try some just for the halibut.

Crabcakes — Not something you call your girlfriend. But, due to new law changes, a Maryland crabcake can be dual commissioned in Washington D.C. and Virginia.

Diets — Garfield was once on a Seafood diet. “I see food and I eat it.”

Snails — Some Notaries are so slow, they notarize at a snail’s pace. Well, now you can get a vehicle to match at the Notary Fish Market called an S-car that will get you going where you’re going really slow. Look at the “S-Car-Go!”

Lobster — The signing company owners are all out getting lobster while they are not paying you! The nerve! So, if you want to collect from signing companies, just hang out in the lobster section. We ID them, so we know who is who.

Swordfish — I asked if they also had a daggerfish. Can’t have a swordfish without a daggerfish. They responded that they did not, but they just got an import of some Japanese Samurai Swordfish!

Tilapia — This fish is good for Notaries on a budget who only get $40 signings. You can work your way up from there.

Bass — For Notaries who are low-key. Good if marinated in miso by the way — just don’t over do it.

Clams — for Notaries who have a hard time opening up and making small talk at signings.

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January 27, 2017

Notary Space Station; In Space, Nobody Can Hear You Sign!

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Some Notaries were sent into space for an experiment. They were there to see what the realities are of notarizing in space. Sam tossed his Notary seal in the air, and it floated to the other side of the shuttle. Samantha wanted him to get that Notary seal “down”, but which way was down? Eventually Sam recovered his instrument of destruction, but Samantha wasn’t amused. They were waiting for a replacement part for a high tech to be sent from Earth along with some other goodies. A TEA agent was to be sent in the ship to assure that delivery was successful.

Sam, Samantha and the others were practicing using all types of futuristic Notary seals. Of course to them it was not futuristic as they were living in 2040. Sam was happy that he could live a year in 365 days 23 hours and 57 minutes because they were traveling faster than the speed of the Earth up there do the warp in the time-space continuum. Not only was space warped, but Sam’s choice of humor was also a bit warped.

The most evolved machine could move itself over an ID, scan it for genuineness, inspect journal signatures, and then seal the document with hi-tech ink. But, they needed a replacement part that was coming tomorrow.

Then, the shuttle came. It approached the space station, it slowly adjusted itself. It docked successfully. They opened the connecting hatch happily in hopes of seeing Jim the TEA agent. But, Jim’s body was laying there in pieces with blood all over it. And creatures from the movie Alien were there — three of them. Mom, Dad, and a little one who was munching on Jim’s flesh. Then, there was a loud scream.

Samantha tapped Sam on the shoulder and said, “You were just having a bad dream. Was it a dream about a Notarization?”
Then Sam said, “No, it was a dream about the creature from Alien getting off that shuttle and killing us all.
Samantha said, “Well you know what they say — in space, no one can hear you sign! — or scream…”

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January 4, 2017

How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers

Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.

(ring-ring)

PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.

CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.

PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.

(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)

GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)

MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?

CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!

PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.

CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?

PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.

CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.

PAUL: By voting against Trump?

CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.

PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.

CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!

PAUL: Got it.

CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?

PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.

CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.

PAUL: Here’s $80.

CARMEN: You only owe me $60.

PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!

CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.

JEREMY: Yes Carmen

CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.

JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.

CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?

TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.

CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!

———————————-

The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter

DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you brother!

DeSHEA: When can you be here?

CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!

DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!

CARMEN: Okay, here I am.

DeSHEA: There’s a problem

CARMEN: What problem is that?

DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.

CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?

DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.

CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!

——————————-

Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.

KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.

KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.

CARMEN: I’m there.

KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.

CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.

KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.

CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.

KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.

CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.

KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.

————————————

CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!

JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”

CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.

JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.

CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.

JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.

CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.

———————————-

(snooze)

CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?

TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.

CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.

TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.

CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!

(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)

DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?

CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!

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December 11, 2016

Notary Cemetery

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 6:14 am

The engraving on the tombstones at this cemetery use verbiage approved and prescribed by the Secretary of State and must be registered with the County Clerk. All ghosts visiting this cemetery must register at the front.

The gravestones at this cemetery are in order of expiration date as well as County where commissioned unless the Notary left their County postmortum in which case they have 30 days to notify the Secretary of State unless they’re Jewish in which case they have 40 days and 40 nights.

All mourning is officially witnessed beyond the grave. Just shop around at this cemetery to find a deceased Notary who will give you a good price on witnessing. After all, what’s the point of mourning if no one saw you do it.

If a Notary falls in the cemetery and nobody is around to hear it, did he/she/they really fall?

If you fill in your Notarial wording incorrectly here, you might hear someone rolling over in their grave.

One guy named Julius dug up one of the Notaries. In the casket all he found was a bunch of bones and a photo-ID (with a physical description.)

Notaries at this cemetery who work for postmortum low-ball signing companies are concerned about what they will “urn.” The good news is that dead Notaries don’t have to pay taxes. Death & taxes don’t apply to the Notaries in this joint because they’re already dead.

If you were a good Notary you’ll be reincarnated into… anything but a Notary.
But, if you were a bad Notary you’ll be reincarnated into a Mortgage Broker who never gets his documents back on time.
And if you were a really bad Notary, you’ll be reincarnated as a Notary who stars in a reality show.

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December 9, 2016

Disney Notary World

If there were more Notaries in the United States, in addition to having lower rates due to increased competition, there would be a market for Disney Notary World!

Welcome to Disney Notary World
Start your tour by entering the park — get your ticket notarized. You could take the Notarial tram whose path is very twisty and turny as it is an exact giant replica of Mickey Mouse’s signature! Next, go to the haunted house for a signing. The problem is that the signers — are dead, or at least — they will be, and so will you!

Welcome to the Future
In the futuristic section there is a Robot that can notarize documents. He is trained to spot a fake ID faster than a human Notary. Warning, this means you might all be out of work, or have to carry a robot with you in your car.

Pirates of Pen Zance
Next, on to see the Pirates of Pen Zance. These pirates stole a gold pen from a very prominent Attorney Notary from the 1600’s and hid it in a cave in an island. But, everybody who came to find this pen ended up dead because of a curse. Can you find this pen?

Hyperspace Mountain
After that, get into a floating Notary seal, and go down hyperspace mountain until you go straight down into a pool of ink. Please leave all cellphones in a secure dry area.

War of Balloons
Fulfill your wildest fantasy. At this attraction you get to throw a water balloon at someone who works at a signing company who didn’t pay you. They will say, “The check is in the mail.” Then you throw a balloon. If you hit your target, you win a Daffy Duck doll and a giant check.

The Secretary of State
Bring your kids to this realistic Sec of State building. Wait in line (what else is new) and get your kids an official Disney Notary Commission and Notary Seal. They can get notarizing today! Just make sure they get proper ID and use the Disney Notary Journal,

Hall of Notaries
See photos and paintings of famous Notaries from history. You will find Notaries from Italy during the Renaissance, China, England, and other countries as well. You might even find yourself there. Don’t be surprised if you find Mickey Mouse in the hall of records as he was a Notary before he became a famous star. You have to start somewhere.

The Gift Store
For all of your unhappy customers who wrote a bad review about you claiming that if your tired of “Mickey Mouse Notarizations,” then don’t hire this Notary. You can get a Mickey Mouse doll with a notary seal, where you can get real Mickey Mouse Notarizations.

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November 11, 2016

The Notary Asylum

The Notary Asylum

We all know what the process is to become a notary — filling out the forms, applying to our Secretary of State, getting our seal, etc. But, what the State Notary Handbook doesn’t tell you is what becomes of Notaries who become crazy as a result of being a Notary.

There are lots of stress-inducers in this business. There are signing companies that don’t pay. Others like to micromanage. Constantly ringing phones, constant excuses for why the money hasn’t arrived when it was supposed to already. These are ingredients for frustration in the sanest of people. Borrowers who want to comb over every page when you’re already late for your next appointment! If our Founding Fathers had dilly-dallied over the signing of the Declaration of Independence as long, they would have told more people than Benjamin Franklin to go fly a kite! Some mistreat their Notaries. Call it Notary Abuse. Some send late eDocuments or send you to borrowers that aren’t even home and didn’t know they had a signing after they instructed you — “don’t call the borrowers.” Inaccurate or missing information is another recipe for frustration. Rates are often different from what was quoted. So no wonder an increasing rate of Notaries are developing varying signs of insanity. There needs to be a place for Notaries who have lost their documents… and minds. So, we decided to create one. It’s called — The Notary Asylum!

NOTARY #1: I run SnapDocs

NOTARY #2: No I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: I think that both of you have a share in SnapDocs.

NOTARY #1: No, he doesn’t — I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: Last week you said you ran 123notary

NOTARY #1: Well that was last week. This week I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: You seem agitated. That’s not a good sign.

NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

NOTARY #2: You said “sign.”

NOTARY #1: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: Sorry. Forget about your work. You don’t need me to… the s word… any document. You needn’t get all fired up about it.

NOTARY #2: Speaking of fired, last week I ran the NNA. I fired a lot of people too.

DOCTOR: Well, what does your paperwork say? Do you have documents proving your ownership?

NOTARY #1: I don’t need to.

NOTARY #2: I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid. Shoot Docs never paid me.

DOCTOR: There is no Shoot Docs.

NOTARY #2: Are you going to not pay me as well? You never pay me.

DOCTOR: I am a psychiatric analyst. It is not my job to pay you. The state pays me.

NOTARY #2: Well at least somebody pays somebody around here.

DOCTOR: You’re both fine looking patients.

NOTARY #1: I don’t call paying us compliments paying us.

DOCTOR: I was just giving you my seal of approval.

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: “Seal.” Sorry, I give you my oath…

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: … that I’ll be more careful next time. As for now, I recommend that both of you take a break from… you know. Enjoy something that doesn’t remind you of your… you know.

NOTARY #1: That sounds wonderful.

DOCTOR: I’m releasing the both of you. Fill these prescriptions at your pharmacy. It’ll help you relax.

NOTARY #2: (reading) You forgot to sign it.

DOCTOR and NOTARY #1 and NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

One way to restore your sanity in the notary world: Know that you’re not alone if frustrations sometimes get the better of you. Being aware of what can go wrong can sometimes prepare you to ride out the frustrations when they occur. If you develop a Zen-like attitude and let at least some of it roll off your back, the next time a vendor doesn’t have yours (back, that is) you’ll commit yourself to moving on, not the notary asylum!

.

You might also like:

Notarizing a voice
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2653

Woody Allen gets Notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14709

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November 4, 2016

Comedy Central Notary Roast

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 10:29 pm

JEREMY: Welcome to the first Comedy Central Notary Roast. World class comedians are about to “pay tribute to” our Notary of the hour, Alex!

Welcome an old hand at roasting, and I do mean old, ladies and gentlemen, the mouth that roared, but never bored, Don Rickles.

DON RICKLES: Thank you for that incredible honor. A sign your career is in the dumper – when you’re trashing a notary instead of what you usually do – ignoring one. “Sign”. That’s Alex’s idea of a good time. Dreamt big, huh, Alex? What’s the matter – being a lawn jockey was already taken? But no, without notaries, where would this country be? Beating the Chinese, that’s where we’d be. A lot of help you’ve been, you dumb hocky puck. I kid Alex, but all kidding aside, the next time I need something certified, I’ll be sure to give you a call. Am I allowed to certify that you’re boring, or do I need my seal for that? (BARKING LIKE A SEAL)

JEREMY: Thank you, Don RIckles! That man always makes me laugh. But then again, so does diphtheria. And now, speaking of diseases, please welcome the woman who’s been sanitized for our protection, except when it comes to her mouth… Amy Schumer!

AMY SCHUMER: Thank you! Don, I don’t care how old you are, I’d still do you. Then again, I’d do a banana. So nice to be here honoring Alex. Notaries are so hot! But don’t make me swear to that under penalty of perjury. Then again I &$%!! swear all the time. Alex, show me your seal, and I’ll show you my seal of approval. Oh no, Alex is having a heart attack! I guess the excitement of hearing the first woman in history come on to a notary was too much for him. Oh, never mind. It’s not a heart attack after all. He’s clutching the pen in his pocket protector, not his heart. Alex, let your hair down and leave the work at your office! Your office – that’s your car, right? Oh, it’s his home. Well, at least you can afford a car/home. It’s a rental? Sorry Alex. I’ll stick with the banana.

JEREMY: Thank you, Amy Schumer! You remind me of Times Square on New Year’s Eve… trashy. And now let’s give it up for… Chris Rock!

CHRIS ROCK: I’m not surprised to see that Alex ain’t black. I don’t know too many brothers who are notaries. We’re great at having people sign stuff if it’s graffiti on a honkey’s wall. Whereas Alex here, he’s the real deal. Who was your idol growing up? Mine was Richard Pryor, Johnny Carson, Bill Cosby. Two out of three ain’t bad. Alex’s was the credible witness who provides a way to positively identify a signer who lacks satisfactory identification documents. Alex, you’re livin’ the dream. If you’re lucky, one day, you’ll get to watch paint dry. What do you learn at notary public school anyway? Can you learn how to whup somebody’s ass? If not, what good is it?

JEREMY: Thank you, Chris Rock. And last but not least, let’s welcome him while he isn’t in a car getting coffee… Jerry Seinfeld!

JERRY SEINFELD: Who better than I, Jerry Seinfeld, to close this roast? My show was about nothing. And this man, Alex, is clearly… about nothing. Some parents want their kids to grow up to be doctors… lawyers…entrepreneurs. Alex’s parents wanted him to show him a sign of wanting to grow up to be a doctor… a lawyer… an entrepreneur. And Alex, a man who clearly thinks inside, not outside, of the box, took his parents literally. I’ll show you a sign… Here’s a sign, or signing. There’s a signing. Mom, dad, I want to be a notary public! Of course, his folks said, “Can’t you be a notary private? We’d rather not have the neighbors find out.”

JEREMY: Ladies and gentleman… the notary of the hour… welcome… Alex!

ALEX, THE NOTARY: Wow, this has been unbelievable. Jerry, your signature is the funniest one I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of funny signatures. Chris, I know plenty of black notaries. Or maybe they’re white guys covered up with ink. Amy, I’m thrilled you were flirting with me. Then again, no one ever has before, so I don’t actually know what flirting looks like. And Don Rickles, you are my hero. I’m a notary, so that’s not saying much. Thanks everybody… SIGNING off!

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