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December 13, 2019

Notary Circus

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 8:37 pm

Welcome to the Notary Circus!

In ring 1 we have John Quincy, Notary Public. He will be doing a juggling act with not two, not three, but five Notary seals, and embossers. Oh wait, he is throwing two of the seals to his partner Vicky who is not standing on her head while juggling.

Meanwhile in ring 2, we have ten clowns getting into a small car presumably to go to a signing. Oh no, they can’t fit in. The signing will have to be delayed. I hope the borrower will not lose their loan. What a bunch of clowns.’

But, wait, an elephant is entering the scene with smiling Notary riding on top. But, where will this elephant end up? Oh, it is going to the signing and leaving the clowns behind. Personally, I don’t think clowns should do this type of legal support work — it is just too critical. Wait — a little house is being wheeled in with borrowers inside. The elephant is stopping, the notary is dismounting the elephant and is notarizing with a huge oversized notary seal.

The notary finishes the signing, takes a bow. Wait — now, a clown is approaching him with something behind his back — what could it be? Oh! The clown has a pie and throws the pie into the Notary’s face. I bet that clown works for a non-paying signing company, or at least desires to have the same effect on the Notary.

Now, in the back, a notary and signer are walking the tight rope. The notary will do the signing suspended in mid-air. Wish him luck. Fortunately there is a net to save him. We call the net E&O insurance for circus Notaries.

What about the notary freak show? Oh, not a Notary — a signer who doesn’t look at all like his oversized ID. It doesn’t even look like the same person. Here is another notary freak who goes to the signing drunk in shoes that are triple the size they are supposed to be. Oh look, a 9 food tall bearded lady incredible credible witness. I have seen it all folks. That’s all for today.

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December 10, 2019

Notary Networking Event

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

Welcome to our networking event! We have people from all professions including Notaries!

ATTORNEY: Hi, I’m James. I am an Attorney. I am looking for new clients. I specialize in litigation for dog bites. Do your neighbors have dogs?

PLUMBER: My neighbor has a Chihuahua. I’m not too worried. I probably won’t be your client unless I go to Alaska. I heard people get bitten a lot by dogs there. In one year in Anchorage there were 600 dog bites, and only one bear bite, but people are afraid of bears.

ATTORNEY: That will cause your water pressure to rise.

NOTARY: I know, tell me about it. I am a Notary. I notarize documents. If you are an Attorney and don’t want to notarize for your client due to conflict of interest or lack of interest, or lack of time, or because you just frankly don’t want to — call me. I’m mobile and I do it all.

PLUMBER: I need an affidavit of water damage. I need to fix some pipes for someone because there was some damage. Do you do that?

NOTARY: Sure. How about an exchange. I’ll notarize a document for you and you can fix my toilet?

PLUMBER: Sounds like a crappy deal, crappy just like how I imagine the pipes in the toilet considering how much you crapped in it.

NOTARY: You’re right. How about two Affidavits?

REAL ESTATE AGENT: Oh, we need someone to fix the pipes in a building we are selling. And we need a Grant Deed Notarized. I came to the right networking event.

NOTARY: Aren’t we supposed to have wine & cheese?

HOST: Oh, it’s coming. We got it from a guy we networked with.

PLUMBER: Hey Notary, why don’t you ask the host if he needs his wine notarized?

NOTARY: Wine not! But, the table is a little low, so try not to pull a plumber when you lean over.

PLUMBER: Don’t worry, I just went on a diet and my pants actually fit me now.

NOTARY: Oh, do you need your pants notarized?

HOST: Okay — enjoy folks!

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December 4, 2019

A notary tries to be a comedian at a comedy club

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 6:04 am

There was a Notary who thought he was funny. But, he ended up having a lot of trouble at the comedy club. Here is what happened:

NOTARY: Hi, I’m mingling.

GIRL: Oh, that’s nice. This is a good comedy club.

NOTARY: I know, that’s why I came.

GIRL: I love comedy, it’s funny!

NOTARY: (pause… laughs abruptly) It’s just funny how you say it. It’s so obvious, of course comedy is funny. But, just the way you said it is funny. That’s right. Comedy — is — funny!

GIRL: Well your set is coming up.

MANAGER: Listen Notary, did you come to do comedy, or are you just joking around?

NOTARY: No, I’m here to do my set.

MANAGER: Good because there is nothing I love more than consensual sets.

NOTARY: And I brought a helmet so it will be protected sets.

GIRL: I didn’t see that one coming! Ha ha.

(Notary gets on stage)

NOTARY: So, this is a great crowd. Yeah… So, are there any Notaries here?

HECKLER: I don’t think Notaries can afford the $6 for drinks on what they make. Especially if there are eDocuments involved.

NOTARY: Normally I don’t like hecklers but you kind of have a point. When they asked for my six dollars I asked them to bill me and do a few fax backs. The bartender just gave me a blank look.

HECKLER: A blank look is better than a blank check.

NOTARY: You’re telling me, but don’t get your signatures in a bunch. So, did you hear the one about the two signatures that got married? They got divorced a week later. The writing was on the wall. The divorce ended up in a huge tangle. (pause) I guess they were not doctor signatures. I hope they had a good Attorney because the paperwork must have been a nightmare.

HECKLER: They would have to put the signatures on the documents which would mean they would have to multiply.

NOTARY: Hey, are you trying to steal my show? Actually, your jokes are even better than mine — so this will work out well. You must have a good writer.

HECKLER: It’s the same dumb-ass who writes your lines numbskull.

NOTARY: Good point. Wait a second, that means the writer is calling himself a numbskull.

HECKLER: He means it facetiously I’m sure. Okay. There was an embosser who bossed around the employees. Who’s the em-boss now?

NOTARY: I think he only has power over the employees in an em-mergency.

HECKLER: Good one. You must be learning from me.

NOTARY: Good God, what a thought. Okay. Got one. What do Notary seals and squids have in common?

HECKLER: Ummm. They both have ink?

NOTARY: Besides the ink…

HECKLER: Besides the ink?

NOTARY: Just kidding… it’s the ink.

HECKLER: You got me on that one! What about octopuses who do signings?

NOTARY: Yeah, they can answer the phone, fill in their journal, stamp the document and kiss the borrower’s wife all simultaneously. It’s kind of like being one of those Hindu Gods with all of the hands.

GIRL: Yes, there is nothing like hands-on experience.

HECKLER: I think that would be tentacles-on experience. Hey, look at that guy with the purple circles on his neck. Does he have a really good girlfriend or was he attacked by an octopus… speaking of octopuses?

NOTARY: No, that is Chinese gua-sha suction cupping. People use it to reduce tension and clear up blood flow. There is nothing funny about that. Olympians use it too, at least they showed evidence of it recently.

GIRL: Are you sure that isn’t an AIDS symptom?

NOTARY: It looks like it, but the AIDS circle is normally on your back or forehead and is smaller and looks different. Plus the color goes away in a few days if it is cupping. I went to a signing with cup marks once. I told the boss I had marks and he said do the signing anyway. Then he fired me because the borrowers complained. What a hypocrite.

GIRL: Men. On Monday they say one thing and on Tuesday they say another.

HECKLER: Kind of like a woman’s love. They try to hook you into a marriage, but halfway into the engagement they change their mind.

GIRL: Think of all the legal fees you saved. Speaking of legal fees, hey Notary, do you know any Attorney jokes?

NOTARY: Why don’t sharks attack Attorney-Notaries?

HECKLER: Oh, I know that one. Professional courtesy.

GIRL: No, it is because the Attorney-Notaries are so busy doing signings in Georgia that they don’t have time to go swimming.

NOTARY: Another possibility…. Okay, now we have a two-drink minimum, so when the drink lady comes, give her a nice order and a good tip. Deal?

JOHN: Do they have drinks with squid ink in them so I can have an official Notary drink?

NOTARY: There is no such thing, but there is Peruvian Inka Cola — try that. We have it on tap.

GIRL: I tried the certified angus burger with an embossed flat bread bun. Very delicious. But, not as good as the wagyu burger I had at the Japanese place.

NOTARY: Okay crowd. Now, A Notary was to notarize a husband and wife…

HECKLER: Oh, I didn’t know you were into that.

NOTARY: But, the wife wasn’t there and had to sign on another day. What do you do with the acknowledgment?

GIRL: Something kinky I hope.

HECKLER: You ruined it. I thought you were going to have a threesome and dress the wife up as a French maid or something. I think you have to use one acknowledgment for the guy and another for the girl, but not fill out the girl… oh that sounds kinky.. until you see her when her husband is not around on another date. You have to put the date the husband signed on the husband’s acknowledgment and the date the wife signed on hers.

NOTARY: Yeah, we Notaries sure love filling things out.

GIRL: Do you fill people out too?

NOTARY: You have to pay extra for that!

HECKLER: Oh! Good come back. I’m impressed. You should try improv!

NOTARY: One thing I don’t like about the amateur nights is that each person only gets three minutes and you are not allowed to interact as that is considered heckling. Thank God we don’t have that inconvenience here.

HECKLER: Yeah, I’ll say. People think you pay me to be here and harass you.

GIRL: You’re actually a big help and not that rude considering. I wish I could say the same about my ex-husband.

NOTARY: There was a rumor that I was having an affair with Jennifer Lopez, and the rumor spread all around Twitter, but I only got three responses. 1. Right on. 2. Awesome and 3. You wish… The third comment was from my wife. Okay, this has been a great show. Thanks and remember — keep stamping.

MANAGER: Yes folks, if you liked the show, stamp your feet on the ground to show solidarity with oppressed Notaries who stamp and stamp all day – well they stamp documents, but you will just have to be happy stamping on the floor for now. Thanks and you have been a great crowd. Damn it… they just ran out of Inka Soda. Why does this always happen on my shift?

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November 8, 2019

Supreme Court Ruling — felons can no longer be banned from being Notaries (satire)

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 5:21 am

There was a debate in the Supreme Court as to whether felons should be allowed to be Notaries Public. The two sides in this debate will be those in favor of banning applicants with felonies vs. those against.

FOR: We believe that applicants with felonies are too irresponsible and reckless to become Notaries.

AGAINST: We think that people who have committed moral crimes, might not be suitable to be trusted officers of the state such as a Notary Public. However, a felony not involving moral turpitude should not prevent a person from being a Notary.

FOR: So, you are going to allow a liquor store robber to become a Notary Public?

AGAINST: Have you seen the prices of liquor in that store? They are already robbing the rest of us.

FOR: And what about murderers? Can they become Notaries?

AGAINST: I think that many people with felonies committed small crimes when they were younger such as petty theft or punching someone when they were in an argument. Is it really fair to punish people for the rest of their lives for a small mistake?

FOR: I wish you had asked me that question before I got married. You can change a person’s education, but it is hard to change a person’s character.

AGAINST: You have a point, but people do change. Have you ever made a mistake?

FOR: Yes, besides getting married — debating with you!

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August 20, 2019

A bar only for “cool” notaries

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:48 pm

I had a dream that I bought a bar and wanted to make it the coolest place only, and for Notaries primarily. So, what I did was to create this apparatus called a “coolometer”. It is a little like how they strap you to a laughometer at comedy places where they charge by the laugh. The coolometer measures how cool you are, so the bouncer can decide whether or not to let you in on a busy night.

In any case, the machine has a rating from one to ten to test how cool you are. On a regular night you need to score at least four so we know you are not a complete dweeb. But, on the weekends you need to score at least six. Day time we did not have too many restrictions just as long as you weren’t scaring people away.

So, the bar did well. Many Notaries came and swapped stories about backdating, who paid, who didn’t, and more. Some Notaries decided to become pick up artists and come up with pick up lines (which usually didn’t work.

Do you sign her often?
What’s your sign?

LINE: Do your parents know that you hang out in dangerous neighborhoods after dark?
RESPONSE: This neighborhood isn’t dangerous.
LINE: It is when I’m here baby!

In any case, everyone had a good time and the bouncer had the necessary tools to pick them. Thank God he didn’t decide to screen people based on Notary knowledge otherwise the bar would have been empty. But, then, I decided to visit my own bar. The bouncer strapped me to my coolometer and said that I only scored a three and couldn’t come in. I said, “But, I invented this machine — not fair… plus I am the owner. What gives?” Then he said, “Just kidding.” I was so riled after that I had to have a home made ginger beer spiked with rum. Good God. And remember — Don’t drink and sign!

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December 14, 2018

Notary arrested for stealing spices from borrowers

Filed under: Popular on Twitter,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 12:29 am

It is common for people to go to other people’s homes and steal Oxy-codene. However, this is a new one. There was a rash in what I call spice-jacking in the Orange County area of California. It turned out to be just one guy, and a notary. But, the authorities caught on and published some public awareness materials about the subject…

You may not know if you have been spice-jacked. Answer this questionaire, and if you said yes to five or more items on this list — contact the authorities immediately — you have been spice jacked…

Have you been notarized in the last six months?
Did the notary ask you to swear on your mother’s cooking instead of a bible? Or did he substitute the bible for a Julia Child’s encyclopedia of cooking?

Has your cumin come out?
Has your coriander meandered?
Has your rose-mary been annulled?
Is your mint no longer in mint condition?
Is your tarragon just gon?
Are you no longer on the same page with your sage? (or is it showing age?)
Has your card-amom been declined (or expired)?
Have your bay leave(s) become bay left(s)?
Has your garam masala (Indian spice mix) lost its kick?
Has your turmeric’s turm expired?
Has your oregano become ore-went-and-did-not-come-back?
Has your aleppo pepper been receiving funds from Putin?
Has your haba-near-o become haba-far-away-o?
Have your c-loves turned to c-hates?
Has your ginger disappeared and then reappeared on a deserted island with Gilligan?

If so, you may have been spice jacked. Please call 888-888-8888 for immediate assistance.

The notary who committed these crimes had a last minute call for an airport notarization. Someone needed one of those permission to travel forms to have their uncle take their kid to Zacatecas in Mexico. These forms typically need to be notarized if going to Mexico. So, the notary did the notarization, got paid cash, and then proceeded to the airport restaurant. At the next table over some TSA personel were having lunch. Then some other TSA people came over with their K-9. The K-9 started sniffing the Notary’s bag. The officer was sure that they would find drugs, but all they found were remains of… you guessed it… oregano and some exotic imported red pepper powder from Egypt. The authorities then had the Notary bring them to his car where they found a huge stash of stolen spices which the Notary had obtained from his various Notary appointments. He loved Notarizing Indians specifically for this reason. The authorities contacted Orange County police and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, from now on, keep your spices under lock and key just in case some other culinarily inspired Notaries get the wrong idea about your marjoram or herbs du provence.

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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do.

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfulness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you disserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that?

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

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June 2, 2017

Notary Ed — similar to Driver’s Education

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:27 am

Notaries go to school in many states, but there is no hands on training which is what we desperately need a few hours of. During driver’s education, your teacher is sitting right next to you. The best part is that he has a brake pedal on his side of the car just in case. With the types of Notaries out there these days, I think you need a Notary Ed teacher with a brake pedal as well.

TEACHER: Okay Johnny, now we are going to go into the signing. Now walk carefully!

JOHNNY: Yes teacher.

TEACHER: Now you are going to sit down in the red chair. Your client Mr. Higglesby will be sitting in the other chair. Now don’t worry about anything, I’ve got you covered.

JOHNNY: No problem.

MR. HIGGLESBY: Hello Joseph!

JOHNNY: It’s Johnny… by the way…

TEACHER: That’s okay, the point of our transaction is NOT for the client to correctly identify the Notary, but for the Notary to ______.

JOHNNY: For the Notary to positively identify the signer by verifying his or her identification document that has a photo, physical description, serial number and expiration date.

TEACHER: Very good Johnny. We’re on the right track.

JOHNNY: Ummmm…. May I see some identification please? Such as a drivers license or current passport?

MR. HIGGLESBY: Here you go. This is my California Driver License

JOHNNY: Great, I’ll notarize you.

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Hey! Why did you put the brakes on, I was doing just fine!

TEACHER: You forgot a few steps Johnny. Do you know what steps you forgot?

JOHNNY: Oh yeah, the journal and one other thing.

TEACHER: Mr. Higglesby forgot to sign the document.

JOHNNY: Oh yeah… Ooops. Okay, please sign here, and then sign my journal.

***** Mr. Higglesby signs in both places.

JOHNNY: Okay, NOW I can notarize you!

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Again? But, I did everything right?

TEACHER: You’re going to get a ticket if you keep going on like this young man. You forgot to check the signature on the ID to see if it matches the one on the document and in the journal. Make sure he is not an imposter who is forging the signature — it happens.

JOHNNY: Oh, I didn’t think of that. I guess that’s why the world needs good Notaries, right? That’s what you are supposed to say. Never mind. Okay… the signatures match, and the photo looks like the guy — balding a little more. Let me thumbprint him just to be safe. I have my NNA inkless thumbprinter. I never understood how you can have flourless cake and inkless thumbprinters, it just doesn’t add up.

TEACHER: Now Daniel-san, or grasshopper, or whatever your name is — now, you are ready to go out into the world. Just do the cross outs for the he/she/they, sign and stamp the Acknowledgment form and we’re out of here!

JOHNNY: Done! Can I notarize fast now?

TEACHER: By the way. That chair you are sitting on? It comes with invisible air bags, just in case you notarize a fraud. Let’s do a few more trial runs with a few snags to get you in shape before we notarize fast. I don’t want you to get pulled over!

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January 20, 2017

A Notary sees a UFO

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 10:38 am

NOTARY: I saw a UFO, I really did, I really did.

SAL: Sure you did pal, we all saw it too…. not…

NOTARY: No, you gotta understand. I really saw it. It had lights and everything.

(The next day — the notary is coming home from an appointment. He sees lights and a UFO coming down from the sky slowly.)

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me?

ALIEN: No, but can you like us on Facebook?

NOTARY: Yesterday, I saw a UFO on my way back from a Notary job, and nobody believed me.

ALIEN: We can do something about that. We’ll reverse the situation. Hey Quantum, get the memory erasing device.

QUANTUM: Here it is.

ALIEN: (zip sound) Go back to your home earthling.

(Then, the space ship circled around town making a huge profile of itself.)

SAL: Hey, did you see that UFO? Everybody saw it. You were right.

NOTARY: I don’t remember seeing it. I think my memory blacked out that night. There seem to be three hours missing from my day yesterday. I have no idea what happened. I just remember a cornfield.

SAL: What are those strange marks on your neck. Did they inject you with something?

NOTARY: Oh God. I’ll have to see that shrink and go into a trance to figure out what happened.

(The next day… the spaceship returns.)

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me?

ALIEN: Actually, we need these forms notarized. We have an intergallactic driver license. It is a government issued photo ID and expires in the earth year 3026.

NOTARY: Uh-huh. I cannot accept that partly because it has no issue date in earth years and also because you Aliens all look alike.

ALIEN: Hey, I resent that, I’m way better looking than Quazar over here even though I’m 300 years older. I’m actually 412.

NOTARY: Really, you don’t look a day over 399. Oh my God, what are we talking about. What am I doing here. But, if we can go into a time warp, California used to allow notarizing Jurats without ID back in 2001.

ALIEN: No problem, we have that technology but rarely use it. Unfortunately your seal would not have been issued in that date.

NOTARY: I kept the old one.

ALIEN: We are in business. Go and get it!

NOTARY: The main thing is that instead of me being the only one to see a UFO, this time around, everybody else saw it except me. Go figure!

.

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Notary Space Station
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

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January 4, 2017

How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular Overall,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 7:49 am

Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.

(ring-ring)

PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.

CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.

PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.

(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)

GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)

MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?

CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!

PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.

CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?

PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.

CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.

PAUL: By voting against Trump?

CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.

PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.

CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!

PAUL: Got it.

CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?

PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.

CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.

PAUL: Here’s $80.

CARMEN: You only owe me $60.

PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!

CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.

JEREMY: Yes Carmen

CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.

JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.

CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?

TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.

CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!

———————————-

The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter

DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you brother!

DeSHEA: When can you be here?

CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!

DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!

CARMEN: Okay, here I am.

DeSHEA: There’s a problem

CARMEN: What problem is that?

DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.

CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?

DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.

CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!

——————————-

Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.

KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.

KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.

CARMEN: I’m there.

KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.

CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.

KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.

CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.

KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.

CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.

KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.

————————————

CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!

JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”

CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.

JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.

CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.

JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.

CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.

———————————-

(snooze)

CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?

TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.

CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.

TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.

CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!

(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)

DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?

CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!

.

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Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

Notary Jail
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19666

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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