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October 12, 2018

Notary insurance – it happened to us before and we covered it

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:43 am

We’ve seen almost everything so we cover almost everything.
We know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.

NOTARY: Am I covered if a pack of reindeer trample my car on the way to a signing?

INSURANCE GUY: We had that happen to a client before and we covered it.

NOTARY: What if I accidentally swallow my Notary seal before I notarize a loan?

INSURANCE GUY: Ummm, you probably won’t get paid for that transaction.

NOTARY: My teenage son stole my Notary seal and vandalized his school’s basketball court with it.

INSURANCE GUY: You’re on your own buddy.

NOTARY: What if I notarize a guy as John W Smith whose ID only says John Smith, find out I notarized an imposter who embezzled all of someone’s life savings that they had as equity in their home and get sued.

INSURANCE GUY: We’ve seen that before and we covered.

NOTARY: What if a meteorite crashes through the roof of a living room while I am doing a signing and that damages my Notary seal.

INSURANCE GUY: We cover that unless the meteorite falls during a war or natural disaster that is registered with the registry of natural disasters. If it is a disaster of natural causes that is not registered as a natural disaster than it would be classified as a natural non-natural disaster if that makes sense.

NOTARY: (thinking…) Um… I think that makes sense, kind of. What if I’m playing catch the embosser and it hits my friend on the head and he goes into a coma.

INSURANCE GUY: We cover that.

NOTARY: Thanks

INSURANCE GUY: Don’t worry, you’re covered!

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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfullness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you dissserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that/

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

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April 20, 2018

A Notary sees a UFO

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 10:38 am

NOTARY: I saw a UFO, I really did, I really did.

SAL: Sure you did pal, we all saw it too…. not…

NOTARY: No, you gotta understand. I really saw it. It had lights and everything.

(The next day — the notary is coming home from an appointment. He sees lights and a UFO coming down from the sky slowly.)

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me.

ALIEN: No, but can you like us on Facebook?

NOTARY: Yesterday, I saw a UFO on my way back from a Notary job, and nobody believed me.

ALIEN: We can do something about that. We’ll reverse the situation. He Quantum, get the memory erasing device.

QUANTUM: Here it is.

ALIEN: (zip sound) Go back to your home earthling.

(Then, the space ship circled around town making a huge profile of itself.)

SAL: Hey, did you see that UFO. Everybody saw it. You were right.

NOTARY: I don’t remember seeing it. I think my memory blacked out that night. There seem to be three hours missing from my day yesterday. I have no idea what happened. I just remember a cornfield.

SAL: What are those strange marks on your neck. Did they inject you with something?

NOTARY: Oh God. I’ll have to see that shrink and go into a trance to figure out what happened.

(The next day… the spaceship returns.

NOTARY: Are you going to abduct me?

ALIEN: Actually, we need these forms notarized. We have an intergallactic driver license. It is a government issued photo ID and expires in the earth year 3026.

NOTARY: Uh-huh. I cannot accept that partly because it has no issue date in earth years and also because you Aliens all look alike.

ALIEN: Hey, I resent that, I’m way better looking than Quazar over here even though I’m 300 years older. I’m actually 412.

NOTARY: Really, you don’t look a day over 399. Oh my God, what are we talking about. What am I doing here. But, if we can go into a time warp, California used to allow notarizing Jurats without ID back in 2001.

ALIEN: No problem, we have that technology but rarely use it. Unfortunately your seal would not have been issued in that date.

NOTARY: I kept the old one.

ALIEN: We are in business. Go and get it!

NOTARY: The main thing is that instead of me being the only one to see a UFO, this time around, everybody else saw it except me. Go figure.

.

You might also like:

The Steve Jobs Notary Smart-Seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16522

Notary Space Station
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

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December 22, 2017

Notarization in The Trang

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:07 am

In a previous Notary story, a Notary who was stationed in Vietnam had to go with Johnny, a hardened warrior on an undercover mission to a prisoner of war camp to do a POA for a POW. Wish them luck.

JOHNNY: “Okay, men. Now this mission is dangerous, and it will take twenty days on foot to get where we are going. Any questions?”

HARRY (The Notary): “Several things. First of all, is there a Baskin Robbins on the way and second, you behave like an ape in the morning.

JOHNNY: “I’m a Guerilla, not an ape. I learned to fight from the finest of Vietcong soldiers… before I killed them. I killed 120 soldiers in my career — most of them with my bare hands or by carving their heart out of their chest with my knife.

SIMON: “Sounds charming. Do you have any objections to just shooting someone with a semi like the rest of us?”

JOHNNY: “I have nothing against it. I would do it if I had to. I just prefer doing it with my hands. It’s amazingly theraputic.”

JURATSTITUTE: “Hi, guys. You need Notary? I do for you. $5, notarize you long time. You like.”

JOHNNY: “Maybe another time. We’re on a mission. Okay men. Now, remember, the prison camp is not called ‘The Trang’, nor is it located in De Trang which orally sounds similar to The Trang. We are going to a remote village in the hills West of Danang.”

JURATSTITUTE: “Oh, I have friend in Danang, she specialize in Affirmations. You want to look her up?”

HARRY: “I’ll do the affirmations for now. But, thanks anyway. And, I like the word The Trang. It sounds like a place where you go to the bathroom — turn out the lights if you use The Trang.. Or maybe a jungle prison camp where they torture people with bamboo slits and other gruesome methods.”

JOHNNY: “Okay, as a decorated soldier in the United States Military, I now officially pronounce that we will call the location we are going to — The Trang, even though it is not normally called that. I am agreeing with Harry even though he is an idtiot, because the name sounds cool. That way I can tell all my buddies back home what it was like to be locked up in The Trang, before I escaped and killed all the guards with my bare hands, and the help of a few poisonous snakes I found outside who were a real help.

SIMON: “I like the fact that you give snakes credit when credit is due.”

HARRY: “I think that Jeremy at 123notary.com would like to know if you acknowledge, state, swear or affirm that we will call this location The Trang?”

JOHNNY: “What difference does it make?”

SIMON: “To us, no difference, but Jeremy is a stickler for semantics and diction.”

JOHNNY: “Well, I’ve never thought of myself as anti-semantic. I love the Jewish people. Their culture is the bedrock that our society is built on. The belief in one God, rules of conduct, the ten commandments.”

SIMON: “No, not anti-semitic, anti-semantic. Never mind.”

—– (the next day) ——

JOHNNY: “Okay men. Now we are on day two of our trip. We need to set up the booby trap for the night. We don’t want anyone sneaking up on us while we sleep. Happens all the time around here.”

HARRY: “Why don’t we make them swear to an Affidavit that they won’t sneak up on us… Aren’t you being a bit like the Vietcong?”

JOHNNY: “My motto is when in Rome, do as the Romans do. I learned from the best snipers, booby trap makers, and hand to hand combaticians in the business. In fact, I don’t stop there. I meditate on the consciousness of the best Vietcong soldiers because they have 25 years of jungle war experience while Americans want to solve their problems by carpet bombing. Such a lack of commitment cannot win a war. You have to mean it. But, my whole skill set changed dramatically one year ago.”

SIMON: “What earthshaking event happened one year ago where you learned some sudden skill?”

JOHNNY: “I was reading a book about the Sioux, the Mayans and some of the other indiginous peoples who were known for their excellent war skills. Every tribe I read about said that you should either wear the skin or horns of the type of animal you want to be more like to enhance your hunting or fighting skills. However, you can also eat part of the animal. So, one day, I ate part of the brain of one of the most talented Vietcong soldiers I ever had the pleasure and honor of killing. I would have eaten more, except I’m watching my cholesterol.”

HARRY: “I’m a little worried. We are a little short of food for a twenty day journey. What are we going to do?”

JOHNNY: “We’re going to have kung pao tonight. If our booby trap yields us any results, we’ll have more meat than we can handle. Plus, I can hang the body in the trail to scare the other Vietcong. I call it — psychological warfare.”

SIMON: “I call it being psycho. But, I’ve heard that stuff really works. They have recurring nightmares because of that type of stuff.”

JOHNNY: “If you can mess up their minds enough for several weeks before battle, you gain an edge in the battle men. Now it’s time for sleep. Don’t step on any pungi sticks — they’ll cut right through you.”

HARRY: “How will I know where they are?”

JOHNNY: “They are hidden under banana leaves beneath the surface. Just step slowly and see if the ground holds you — or better yet — don’t move!”

(the next day)

HARRY: “I guess no kung pao for us.”

JOHNNY: “We’ll just have to pray for some tomorrow. We need something to give to the prisoners to rejuvinate them. They only get half a bowl of rice per day. And we have to notarize a POA for the POW to have his motorcycle released so his wife can sell it — and also let the wife know that Sam is still alive.

(a week later)

JOHNNY: “Don’t move… I hear rustling. There might be an explosion. Don’t budge a nanometer.” (boom — crash, crash, bullet sounds, firecrackers, boom, pow, silence…”Gentlemen, it looks like we will be having kung pao — finally. Let’s see if he is already cooked or if we have to cook him.”

HARRY: “Don’t you feel sorry for the families of the Vietcong you have killed?”

JOHNNY: “I know, what about their husbands and kids. Oh, and some of them are male soldiers too who might have wives. I almost forgot. The way I look at it is that my tactics might be brutal, but my way of fighting removes the necessity for bombing sprees in areas that have civilians making my way of fighting highly moral. No little children get burned my way — only bad guys, and a few low flying birds, and a monkey once (delicious) and a few squirrels.

HARRY: “A point well made. Speaking of points, where did you bury the pungi sticks?”

JOHNNY: “They are near the trail… tread lightly. Now let’s cook this guy. Would you prefer a leg or a wing? And let’s leave some leftovers in a bowl to freak out other VC guys who come wandering around here later. We’ll put the bowl under the hanging body. It’s sort of a — you mess with us, this is what happens to you type of a not so subtle message.”

(another week later)

SIMON: “I think this meat we have is holding up. The salt really preserves it. We need to strengthen the guys out if we are to walk twenty days with them.”

JOHNNY: “There is no time for that unless you want to camp out and feed them every night, sneaking in and risking our lives. It is easier to just kill all the guards and make a clean break. We’ll be at The Trang in one hour. I’ve walked this trail many times before and obviously lived to tell about it.”

HARRY: “The question is, do we subdue the guards with poisoned darts, spiders, snakes, hand to hand combat, or just shoot them?”

JOHNNY: “I like the way you think. Or maybe the guards will need something notarized too. If we throw a tarantula at the guards, they will be focused on the spider, and not us, so we can do our thing without too much opposition. Or maybe the spider will finish them off.”

HARRY: “How do you know which spiders are poisonous? Did you read up on spiders at the base or take a nature walk while your commander taught you about each one?”

JOHNNY: “If only I had a commander like that. Only the VC’s teach them men real fighting skills like that. If only we lived in a perfect world we would learn that. Once again, I had to learn on my own. Okay, we’re here. Let’s round up the spiders and put them in this case. Good. Okay. You guys wait here. I might not come out alive. This is a profession with a high attrition rate due mainly to decapitation, incareration in POW camps, loss of limbs, and sometimes spider bites — knock on wood. If I don’t come back — drink this.”

HARRY: “And what is this?”

JOHNNY: “Spider venom. It will kill you fast. No pain. You’ll never survive around here without me.”

SIMON: “Ummm.. Thanks… I guess.”

JOHNNY: “That’s the biggest favor anyone ever did for you. Otherwise you would die slowly in a prison camp. The only reason I lived was because of my impenetrable will to live — and also my will to kill more enemy soldiers with my hands — so theraputic! Men… I’m going in.

Johnny hid in a tree. A guard came close. Johnny dropped from the tree, slit the VC guys throat and never saw it coming and never felt a thing. Johnny threw a throwing star at another guard’s throat. Then he went in and threw spiders at everyone, took cover, and shot all the guards one by one. The whole operation took only six minutes. Going out, he had to disable a few wires that would have spelled death for his escape. Then he went in and got what was left of Sam the POW. He was so skinny.

JOHNNY: “We are leaving The Trang now. Let’s get you to where our guys are camped out and then we’ll notarize you.”

SAM: “The what? this place is not called The Trang. How did you know I needed a Notary?”

JOHNNY: “Well we call it The Trang. It’s Harry’s idea. We heard from some other guy who was released and was on TV back at the base in South Caroline. He announced you were still alive and needed a Notary. So, I brought Harry.

SAM: “Oh, thanks, but I already got my paper notarized by someone yesterday who I found on 123notary.com.”

JOHNNY: “You mean I travelled twenty days on foot, killed six people in cold blood — which I enjoyed immensely, and risked getting blown to shreds in a booby trap or too, and you have already been Notarized?”

SAM: “I’m just puling your leg. There is no 123notary.com in Danang. At least not yet.”

JOHNNY: “So, you look a little skinny. Have some kung pao Thuy. I know it’s Thuy because I checked the ID and took a fingerprint.”

HARRY: “You took a fingerprint. Well where is the finger right now?”

JOHNNY: “You probably don’t want to know. The left finger is still in the jungle probably. The right finger. Well, let’s not point fingers…”

SIMON: “We’re cannibals! Mmm. This is really good! These prints look so artistic. Have you heard of the artist formerly known as prints?”

JOHNNY: I don’t think that guy will come into being until the 90’s with that name. At least that’s what I picked up in a meditation while I was meditating on the consciousness of a wild puma. I’d love to have a puma paw right about now. And some Baskin Robbins.

HARRY: “Now you’re talking. By the way, before we forget. Sam… Please sign here.”

SAM: “I’m so weak I can only sign with an X. Do you have two subscribing witnesses?”

HARRY: “Two what? No just kidding. I read Jeremy’s course so I know exactly what you mean. They have to sign the journal which by the way has mold on it from the trip. But, I kept it in a waterproof binder. Oh, you were just kidding. You can sign just fine. Sign my journal too please… Great. I will affix my stamp here. Done. You are notarized. You can die of exhaustion now and your wife will get to sell your bike.

SAM: “Just what I wanted. But, after this kung pao, I feel a sense of envigoration. Let’s walk 400 miles.”

SIMON: “Just for the record, we calculate distance in kilometers. We are in Vietnam now.”

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June 2, 2017

Notary Ed — similar to Driver’s Education

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:27 am

Notaries go to school in many states, but there is no hands on training which is what we desperately need a few hours of. During driver’s education, your teacher is sitting right next to you. The best part is that he has a brake pedal on his side of the car just in case. With the types of Notaries out there these days, I think you need a Notary Ed teacher with a brake pedal as well.

TEACHER: Okay Johnny, now we are going to go into the signing. Now walk carefully!

JOHNNY: Yes teacher.

TEACHER: Now you are going to sit down in the red chair. Your client Mr. Higglesby will be sitting in the other chair. Now don’t worry about anything, I’ve got you covered.

JOHNNY: No problem.

MR. HIGGLESBY: Hello Joseph!

JOHNNY: It’s Johnny… by the way…

TEACHER: That’s okay, the point of our transaction is NOT for the client to correctly identify the Notary, but for the Notary to ______.

JOHNNY: For the Notary to positively identify the signer by verifying his or her identification document that has a photo, physical description, serial number and expiration date.

TEACHER: Very good Johnny. We’re on the right track.

JOHNNY: Ummmm…. May I see some identification please? Such as a drivers license or current passport?

MR. HIGGLESBY: Here you go. This is my California Driver License

JOHNNY: Great, I’ll notarize you.

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Hey! Why did you put the brakes on, I was doing just fine!

TEACHER: You forgot a few steps Johnny. Do you know what steps you forgot?

JOHNNY: Oh yeah, the journal and one other thing.

TEACHER: Mr. Higglesby forgot to sign the document.

JOHNNY: Oh yeah… Ooops. Okay, please sign here, and then sign my journal.

***** Mr. Higglesby signs in both places.

JOHNNY: Okay, NOW I can notarize you!

***** BRAKES!!!!!!!

JOHNNY: Again? But, I did everything right?

TEACHER: You’re going to get a ticket if you keep going on like this young man. You forgot to check the signature on the ID to see if it matches the one on the document and in the journal. Make sure he is not an imposter who is forging the signature — it happens.

JOHNNY: Oh, I didn’t think of that. I guess that’s why the world needs good Notaries, right? That’s what you are supposed to say. Never mind. Okay… the signatures match, and the photo looks like the guy — balding a little more. Let me thumbprint him just to be safe. I have my NNA inkless thumbprinter. I never understood how you can have flourless cake and inkless thumbprinters, it just doesn’t add up.

TEACHER: Now Daniel-san, or grasshopper, or whatever your name is — now, you are ready to go out into the world. Just do the cross outs for the he/she/they, sign and stamp the Acknowledgment form and we’re out of here!

JOHNNY: Done! Can I notarize fast now?

TEACHER: By the way. That chair you are sitting on? It comes with invisible air bags, just in case you notarize a fraud. Let’s do a few more trial runs with a few snags to get you in shape before we notarize fast. I don’t want you to get pulled over!

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March 3, 2017

Notary Fish Market

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 9:35 pm

As Notaries, we normally think about our commissions, our fax machine and our jobs. One thing we don’t think about is where we purchase our fish which is actually quite important. Fish is brain food, and nothing beats keeping your brain up to par. Thinking about a wide variety of subjects including language learning, math problem solving, business problems, politics, and gossip also can strengthen your mind. Memorizing the contents of your state’s Notary handbook however is the ideal way to exercise your brain. In any case, here is what you are missing out on by not going to the fish market.

Juneau where she said the fresh wild caught salmon is from?
I dunno, A’ll-ask-kah
Remember the Alaska Notary Public in one of our satirical blogs whose price was one piece of salmon if you wanted an accompanying Oath to an Acknowledged signature? His price went up, now he’s asking for brand names like Sockeye salmon. Boy, the nerve of these Notaries.

Notarial Squid — You can get high quality Notary ink from a squid. Even if you don’t use it in your seal, you can use it in a feather pen. In Chinese the name for squid is “you-yu,” but I just learned in Taiwanese dialect it’s, “tou-chou.” Why such a huge difference?

Norwegian Notary Halibut — Try some just for the halibut.

Crabcakes — Not something you call your girlfriend. But, due to new law changes, a Maryland crabcake can be dual commissioned in Washington D.C. and Virginia.

Diets — Garfield was once on a Seafood diet. “I see food and I eat it.”

Snails — Some Notaries are so slow, they notarize at a snail’s pace. Well, now you can get a vehicle to match at the Notary Fish Market called an S-car that will get you going where you’re going really slow. Look at the “S-Car-Go!”

Lobster — The signing company owners are all out getting lobster while they are not paying you! The nerve! So, if you want to collect from signing companies, just hang out in the lobster section. We ID them, so we know who is who.

Swordfish — I asked if they also had a daggerfish. Can’t have a swordfish without a daggerfish. They responded that they did not, but they just got an import of some Japanese Samurai Swordfish!

Tilapia — This fish is good for Notaries on a budget who only get $40 signings. You can work your way up from there.

Bass — For Notaries who are low-key. Good if marinated in miso by the way — just don’t over do it.

Clams — for Notaries who have a hard time opening up and making small talk at signings.

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January 27, 2017

Notary Space Station; In Space, Nobody Can Hear You Sign!

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Some Notaries were sent into space for an experiment. They were there to see what the realities are of notarizing in space. Sam tossed his Notary seal in the air, and it floated to the other side of the shuttle. Samantha wanted him to get that Notary seal “down”, but which way was down? Eventually Sam recovered his instrument of destruction, but Samantha wasn’t amused. They were waiting for a replacement part for a high tech to be sent from Earth along with some other goodies. A TEA agent was to be sent in the ship to assure that delivery was successful.

Sam, Samantha and the others were practicing using all types of futuristic Notary seals. Of course to them it was not futuristic as they were living in 2040. Sam was happy that he could live a year in 365 days 23 hours and 57 minutes because they were traveling faster than the speed of the Earth up there do the warp in the time-space continuum. Not only was space warped, but Sam’s choice of humor was also a bit warped.

The most evolved machine could move itself over an ID, scan it for genuineness, inspect journal signatures, and then seal the document with hi-tech ink. But, they needed a replacement part that was coming tomorrow.

Then, the shuttle came. It approached the space station, it slowly adjusted itself. It docked successfully. They opened the connecting hatch happily in hopes of seeing Jim the TEA agent. But, Jim’s body was laying there in pieces with blood all over it. And creatures from the movie Alien were there — three of them. Mom, Dad, and a little one who was munching on Jim’s flesh. Then, there was a loud scream.

Samantha tapped Sam on the shoulder and said, “You were just having a bad dream. Was it a dream about a Notarization?”
Then Sam said, “No, it was a dream about the creature from Alien getting off that shuttle and killing us all.
Samantha said, “Well you know what they say — in space, no one can hear you sign! — or scream…”

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January 4, 2017

How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers

Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.

(ring-ring)

PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.

CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.

PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.

(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)

GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)

MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?

CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!

PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.

CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?

PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.

CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.

PAUL: By voting against Trump?

CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.

PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.

CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!

PAUL: Got it.

CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?

PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.

CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.

PAUL: Here’s $80.

CARMEN: You only owe me $60.

PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!

CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.

JEREMY: Yes Carmen

CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.

JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.

CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?

TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.

CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!

———————————-

The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter

DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you brother!

DeSHEA: When can you be here?

CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!

DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!

CARMEN: Okay, here I am.

DeSHEA: There’s a problem

CARMEN: What problem is that?

DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.

CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?

DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.

CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!

——————————-

Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.

KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.

KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.

CARMEN: I’m there.

KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.

CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.

KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.

CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.

KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.

CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.

KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.

————————————

CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!

JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”

CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.

JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.

CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.

JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.

CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.

———————————-

(snooze)

CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?

TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.

CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.

TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.

CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!

(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)

DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?

CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!

.

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December 11, 2016

Notary Cemetery

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 6:14 am

The engraving on the tombstones at this cemetery use verbiage approved and prescribed by the Secretary of State and must be registered with the County Clerk. All ghosts visiting this cemetery must register at the front.

The gravestones at this cemetery are in order of expiration date as well as County where commissioned unless the Notary left their County postmortum in which case they have 30 days to notify the Secretary of State unless they’re Jewish in which case they have 40 days and 40 nights.

All mourning is officially witnessed beyond the grave. Just shop around at this cemetery to find a deceased Notary who will give you a good price on witnessing. After all, what’s the point of mourning if no one saw you do it.

If a Notary falls in the cemetery and nobody is around to hear it, did he/she/they really fall?

If you fill in your Notarial wording incorrectly here, you might hear someone rolling over in their grave.

One guy named Julius dug up one of the Notaries. In the casket all he found was a bunch of bones and a photo-ID (with a physical description.)

Notaries at this cemetery who work for postmortum low-ball signing companies are concerned about what they will “urn.” The good news is that dead Notaries don’t have to pay taxes. Death & taxes don’t apply to the Notaries in this joint because they’re already dead.

If you were a good Notary you’ll be reincarnated into… anything but a Notary.
But, if you were a bad Notary you’ll be reincarnated into a Mortgage Broker who never gets his documents back on time.
And if you were a really bad Notary, you’ll be reincarnated as a Notary who stars in a reality show.

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December 9, 2016

Disney Notary World

If there were more Notaries in the United States, in addition to having lower rates due to increased competition, there would be a market for Disney Notary World!

Welcome to Disney Notary World
Start your tour by entering the park — get your ticket notarized. You could take the Notarial tram whose path is very twisty and turny as it is an exact giant replica of Mickey Mouse’s signature! Next, go to the haunted house for a signing. The problem is that the signers — are dead, or at least — they will be, and so will you!

Welcome to the Future
In the futuristic section there is a Robot that can notarize documents. He is trained to spot a fake ID faster than a human Notary. Warning, this means you might all be out of work, or have to carry a robot with you in your car.

Pirates of Pen Zance
Next, on to see the Pirates of Pen Zance. These pirates stole a gold pen from a very prominent Attorney Notary from the 1600’s and hid it in a cave in an island. But, everybody who came to find this pen ended up dead because of a curse. Can you find this pen?

Hyperspace Mountain
After that, get into a floating Notary seal, and go down hyperspace mountain until you go straight down into a pool of ink. Please leave all cellphones in a secure dry area.

War of Balloons
Fulfill your wildest fantasy. At this attraction you get to throw a water balloon at someone who works at a signing company who didn’t pay you. They will say, “The check is in the mail.” Then you throw a balloon. If you hit your target, you win a Daffy Duck doll and a giant check.

The Secretary of State
Bring your kids to this realistic Sec of State building. Wait in line (what else is new) and get your kids an official Disney Notary Commission and Notary Seal. They can get notarizing today! Just make sure they get proper ID and use the Disney Notary Journal,

Hall of Notaries
See photos and paintings of famous Notaries from history. You will find Notaries from Italy during the Renaissance, China, England, and other countries as well. You might even find yourself there. Don’t be surprised if you find Mickey Mouse in the hall of records as he was a Notary before he became a famous star. You have to start somewhere.

The Gift Store
For all of your unhappy customers who wrote a bad review about you claiming that if your tired of “Mickey Mouse Notarizations,” then don’t hire this Notary. You can get a Mickey Mouse doll with a notary seal, where you can get real Mickey Mouse Notarizations.

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