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January 31, 2011

Welcome to the Notary Hotel

Welcome to the Notary Hotel.

Borrower: “Hello, I’d like to file a formal complaint. The notary didn’t come with a complimentary continental breakfast!”
Clerk: “Sorry about that, but breakfast is only from 6am to 9am weekdays and from 7am to 10am on weekends.”
Borrower: “Also, the notary didn’t sanitize my thumb after thumb printing me!”
Clerk: “Oh, really, I’ll have to write that notary up!”
Borrower: “Aren’t I supposed to get a mint on the top of my loan document stack?”
Clerk: “Hmm, that is part of the Notary Hotel’s branding. I’m really sorry about that.”
Borrower: “Also, the Notary didn’t observe the don’t disturb sign while I was reading the Settlement Statement!”
Clerk: “Oh brother, it’s time we fire that Notary!”
Borrower: “I asked the Notary to give my wife a wake up call when the signing was finished. She fell asleep halfway through the Affidavit of Occupancy.”
Clerk: “It is safe to assume that the Notary failed to give you your complimentary wake up call. Tell me, was there anything good about your signing?”
Borrower: “Well, the Notary gave me some lemongrass moisturizer and a shower cap! I enjoyed those.”
Clerk: “So, there is a silver lining on the cloud next to every shower-head!”
Borrower: “The Notary wanted to kick us out three minutes before check out time while I was reading the automatic payment transfer authorization.”
Clerk: “I’ll add that comment to your file.”
Borrower: “At least I was given two hours of free wi-fi during my stay!”

Clerk: “Did you try out our unique cable T.V. system? You can get 328 complimentary channels including — the signing channel!”
Borrower: “You make me feel like I really missed out!”
Clerk: “Next week we’re having a special. Sign a line of credit while you’re in line for Belgian waffles.”
Borrower: “Oh, you’re going to make waffles for us?”
Clerk: “Not exactly, you stand in line so you can make them yourself. When you think about it, we should be paying you to stay here and stand in line so many times. You stand in line to check in, check out, use the shower for the “equity pool,” and also to make waffles! We’re going to have to do something about those lines!”
Borrower: “You’ve got a point there!”
Clerk: “I’m sorry you had a negative experience. To make it up to you, next time you stay with us, we’ll let you upgrade at no cost to one of our signature rooms, if one is available at the time of your stay!”
Borrower: “If a signature room is not available, I’ll assume that you’ll give me an upgrade to an ‘initial’ room, a condensed version of the same thing?”
Clerk: “Actually, I never thought of that, but we do have digital signature rooms that are also often available. Instead of having a key to the room, you get a password. The welcome mat is a huge signature scanning pad — you’ll love it. Digital Signature rooms come with virtual windows with views of anyplace in the world. The cable T.V. is also very different. Instead of paper-view, it comes with paperless-view because it’s digital.

Borrower: “The other thing that I didn’t understand is that my room key was in the shape of a stamp. Instead of swiping it in a reader like other hotels, I had to affix a digital stamp of my seal on what looked like a scanner. Very perplexing. My notary seal digital key also had commission room number 314 an expiration date of 11am the next morning. I guess that is check out time.”
Clerk: “Well, we like to maintain a notary theme at all times. After all, this is the Notary Hotel. Just thank god we don’t have eight digit commission room numbers on the digital seal!”

For those of you who want to visit the Notary Hotel, we have all the amenities. Swimming “equity pools”, business centers, tennis, movies, and of course an endless supply of complimentary blue pens. All you have to do is fax us an order confirmation and sign in once you arrive! Some people stay here their entire commissions!

Tweets:
(1) The Notary Hotel: Does my notarization come w/a wake up call?
(2) The Notary Hotel is so comfortable, some notaries stay there their entire commission.
(3) Their signing took place at The Notary Hotel & the wife requested a wakeup call after the signing was done.
(4) At The Notary Hotel: they didn’t observe the don’t disturb sign while I was reading the Settlement Statement!
(5) At The Notary Hotel, Showtime & HBO are free, but the Signing Channel costs $40 (not including fax backs)
(6) Check out the digital signature rooms at The Notary Hotel

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary Motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Notary RV Park
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16121

Notary Hotel 2 — the sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

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January 30, 2011

Taqueria El Notario — a Notary Taco Joint

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 3:13 am

We wrote some other fun blog articles about The Notary Hotel, Notary Fast Food, Notary haute cuisine, and others. But, this one is about a notarial taco place. Hope you like it. Just don’t over do it with the hot sauce. It is very potent here.

Dot your eyes, and cross your tortillas!
Welcome to Notary Taco, or as we call it Taqueria El Notario. Please make sure you have errors and “emissions” insurance if you eat the three bean burrito for the sake of our other patrons. Since we had a few Notary wannabe gangsta’s, instead of a drive through window, we have a drive by window. The window is extra low in case you are driving a low rider. I guess I’m a few decades behind the times, but in Los Angeles, we still have a few of those around.

Before you read our menu, please read the following disclosure:

Notice of Right to Carnitas
As a customer of Taqueria El Notario, you have the right to eat carnitas at any time during business hours. There is no limit to how many carnitas tacos you may consume. Please sign and date to indicate that you have read this document and are aware of your right to carnitas… and pastor!

Here are a few of our choice items:

Habanero Rescission Sauce
If you still alive 3 days after consuming this, you have the right to rescind.

Personally Known Pico de Gallo
Eat this regularly with our home-made chips, and you will feel like you know us.

Pollo of Attorney
I know it sounds a bit loco, but our pollo is so good, we got it patented by an Attorney, hence the name!

Backdated Burrito
The freshness of the ingredients is up to date, it is just that we put yesterday’s date on the burrito.

Salsa Verde Venue
State of California; County of Los Angeles! — The salsa is green at this venue

Avocado Affidavit
This chunky guacamole is so good you’ll swear by it!

Tequilla Lime Testimonium Ice Cream
Just be-clause…

Revoked Refried Beans
Eat these and your commission will be suspended, revoked or terminated — if you have gas.

Notary Commission Carnitas
One of our customers has been eating this dish his entire notary commission — hence the name.

Lengua Tacos
Enjoy one of these before you take an Oath.

Quit Claim Quesadillas
One customer liked these so much she sold her house to be able to afford them every day!

Many notaries come here daily. We hope you like our sauces, dishes and desserts. We hope you liked it, and we hope you come again.

You might also like:

Welcome to The Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

A date with a notary at “Le Jurat”
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4473

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January 25, 2011

Notary Hyatt Regency

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 7:16 am

Have you heard of the Notary Hotel or Notary Motel? If you have been working for high paying title companies, you can now afford the Notary Hyatt, but the breakfast isn’t included unless you have a special arrangement.

CHECK IN

NOTARY: Hi, I’m here to check in. I have a reservation for tonight.

CLERK: Ah yes, Mr. Public We’ve been awaiting your arrival.

NOTARY: Do I sign your journal based on the date I made the reservation or the date I check in?

CLERK: The date you check in — of course. Sign right here. And I will need a thumbprint.

NOTARY: Well I’m all thumbs — and besides, I’m too nice to give you the finger. Is it one journal entry per person per room, or one entry per person regardless of how many rooms?

CLERK: Just one journal entry, unless it is a corporate sale.

NOTARY: Do I get one key or two? And how about a pool wristband?

CLERK: The wristband has your inmate number on it, but can no longer be used for notarization per the new civil code 4583.45.

NOTARY: Oh, that’s too bad, but I don’t see myself being notarized in the hot tub. This is the first time I’ve heard “notarized” and “hot” in the same sentence.

CLERK: We certify that it gets up to 125. Don’t scald yourself. But you can get notarized underwater in the pool using our new underwater eNotary technology.

NOTARY: Great. If they drown, I can notarize their Death Certificate. Is the underwater eNotary technology hands free? My mother told me never to use electric appliances in the bath tub.

CLERK: No you just use your finger like you would paying your bill at a restaurant on one of those eSignatures. You can even buy a wet noodle underwater using our system.

NOTARY: That’s great, because I want to visit your Chinese spot next door. Can I get a Chinese continental breakfast with Shao Bing You Tiao tomorrow?

CLERK: Sorry — wrong continent. But, I will give you a complimentary breakfast ticket. Use it from 6am to 10am downstairs — don’t lose this. And here is your room key. It looks like a notary seal, just affix it to the rectangular pad on your door to get in.

MAID SERVICE: You will love our soaps in your room. We have one soap that is made with squid ink — especially for Notaries. An ancient Chinese saying says it helps you notarize better.

NOTARY: Hmm, never knew Confucius ever needed a Notary.

MAID SERVICE: Oh all the time. During the analects, he had to see a Notary several times in fact. And one more thing. There is a password to get into your room. We do this to keep the fake Notaries out. The computer embedded in the door will ask you to give Oath verbiage just to make sure you are upholding the law as a Notary Public. If you fail to give an applicable Oath, you might have to come down for a tutoring session before you get to sample our soaps.

NOTARY: I heard the remote for the TV was shaped like a Notary seal.

MAID SERVICE: That it is. But it is not one of those PhD remotes. It is really simple. Here, let me emboss your breakfast card so you can get a free omelette.

NOTARY: Cool, I mean hot.

(meanwhile the notary goes to his room.)

NOTARY: Wow, this joint is plush city… I wonder what’s on television. Oh, the Notary Channel. Who would have thought. Oh, another Notary channel for adults — Lucy embosses the seven sailors. Very naughty. I wonder how I can see a movie. Oh, I need to be notarized to see a movie to make sure I did not hit the buy key by mistake. My remote does a print out, I sign it, and then maid service notarizes it? Hmm. Let me ring.

MAID SERVICE: Hola — lociento pero no Ingles senor.. Just kidding!!!! You rang? Need something notarized? I love this concept. I am notarizing a Notary. Isn’t that like marrying your sister?

NOTARY: Not exactly. Here is the printout. I am ordering the movie Nancy breaks down the acknowledgment process. Something nerdy to fall asleep to.

MAID SERVICE: Oh, that is a good film. Nancy gets arrested in part three because she does something illegal by mistake because she skimmed through the tutorial instead of mastering the materials.

NOTARY: Finally a notary so bad, even Nicholas Cage won’t star in it. I gotta see this. Okay, here is my ticket. Please notarize it.

MAID SERVICE: This is a form is the same as a credit card receipt. There is no room for my notary seal!!! Just kidding, we use a small one for these forms. We have a customized seal for it in fact that we use just for movies. It is cleared with the Secretary of State too.

NOTARY: Super. How much do I owe you?

MAID SERVICE: Just a review on Yelp please. That is worth more than gold — providing it is a good review.

NOTARY: Well I’m going to say how you ruined the movie by telling me what happens in part 3.

MAID SERVICE: But, I didn’t tell you how it ends… So there will still be mucho suspense!

NOTARY : Good point.

(At breakfast)

Wow, I just love these eight large bronze circular containers with lids. This is a high-class breakfast. Or should I say Hyatt class. Hmm, the breakfast skillet looks good with the sausage, potatoes, onions, and peppers, I’ve never seen this before except at Denny’s, well, the pictures in the menu at Denny’s. Oh, certified Costa Rican coffee. That looks good. I love this place. (20 minutes later) Time to go back upstairs.

(At door to room)

DOOR: Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, “I want to take a shower.”

NOTARY: I don’t understand the question.

DOOR: Entry denied.

NOTARY: Hey, I paid a lot to stay here!!!

DOOR: But, this hotel is for Notaries only. If you don’t know how to administer an Oath, you are not a real Notary. You are fraud. Fraud alert buz buzz buzz. Fraud alert.

NOTARY: Okay okay okay. Do you solemly Affirm that whatever… that I want to take a shower.”

DOOR: BUZZZ wrong!!! You are having ME swear that I want to take a shower, not that YOU want to take a shower. And in an Oath, you swear not affirm. Don’t they teach you anything in Notary school?

NOTARY: In my state we don’t have Notary school.

DOOR: You can say that again. Please go downstairs for your tutorial and we will need to re-zap your key.

NOTARY: Is that the correct verb, to zap my key for another 24 hours of entry?

DOOR: Some people say “re-key” or configure your key.

(meanwhile downstairs)

TEACHER: Hello student. Do you know the difference between an Oath and an Affirmation?

NOTARY: Ummm.. Aren’t they the same?

TEACHER: They can be used interchangeably, but if the customer requests one, you cannot give them the other, that would be choosing the notary act for them and these are distinctly different, yet interchangeable notary acts.

NOTARY: Umm, but what if the signer doesn’t want to talk about God?

TEACHER: You can recommend an Affirmation if they don’t like God — their maker. But you cannot choose for them.

NOTARY: What if they object to the absence of God?

TEACHER: Not in this century. This is the no God century. I’ll be surprised if the entire earth doesn’t fry. Hell, fire and brimstone!!! Just say to the door, “Do you solemnly swear that you want to take a shower?” Then, wait for the door to say yes. Then, you will have to figure out how to get the door in the shower, and how it will have privacy where there is no door in the doorway.

NOTARY: Hmmm, very good point. But, wouldn’t it be the computer in the door that wants a shower? Perhaps we could give it a waterproof shower using new technology. Unless the door is just testing me.

(back upstairs)

NOTARY: I’m ready. I’m putting my key in, or my notary seal against the stamp pad. Open sesame.

DOOR: I have signed this paper and want an Acknowledged signature. Would that be okay?

NOTARY: Well I don’t feel comfortable notarizing something that you already signed. Can you sign it again?

DOOR: How badly do you want your shower with the soap with squid ink in it — in minute quantities of course.

NOTARY: Okay I’ll do it. Will I end up in jail like Nancy?

DOOR: If you read (not skimmed) but read your handbook, you would know. Access granted.

NOTARY: What a relief. Just as a disclaimer, the real Hyatt does not do stuff like this. They just let you into your room with your key with no notary questions. This blog is about the Notary Hyatt — completely different place. But, you know something. I like this place so much, I’d like to stay here for the rest of my commission until my expiration date. I wonder if they can make me a key that works for that long. In any case, I have appointments today, so I have to check out. Let’s see how that procedure works.

FRONT DESK: Please destroy your notary seal key and bring it to the Secretary of State County Clerk office on the main floor.

NOTARY: Where is that?

FRONT DESK: The next desk over. You will need to take your Oath of non-office there too now that you are checking out. It’s like a Notary Oath of office in reverse.

NOTARY: Got it. I’m filled with energy from the waffles, so I think I can handle it. See you next time.

.

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Notary Hotel 2 — The Sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

Discounts for early booking a Notary appointment? Hotels do this.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19072

.

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January 22, 2011

The (Sleezy) Notary Motel

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 7:08 am

We wrote about the Notary Hotel. That was one of most popular blog entries ever. But, what about Notary Motel. It’s just not as much fun at all. Imagine a sleezy Notary Motel. The clerk yells, “You have to be out of here by 10:30AM whether you are done signing or not.” The staff are always on the lookout for fake ID and compare all ID’s to the DMV’s database. This motel smelled like smoke in every room even though there were no smoking signs. Every time a car parked in the central lot, you could hear them slam their doors. Worse yet, I learned that in room 202, a Notary was turning signings in her room. There goes the neighborhood. There were people going in and out of that room all night long. One guy was in such a hurry to get out of there, he left his signatures hanging out as he exited the building.

SIGNER: Doing my signing here is terrible. What is that pounding noise on the wall.

NOTARY: Hmm, maybe they have a gym in the next room. Having fitness rooms is so popular these days.

SIGNER: The one thing I do like is that the parking lot in front looks like a Notary stamp. It is rectangular, the perimeter is very geometric with all of the parking spaces exactly in place. And in the middle it says the state, county, and the motel’s commission #.

NOTARY: Hmm, I didn’t notice that. Oh, I hear another noise coming from outside. Oh look, it is another Notary wearing wife beaters chasing his client into the parking lot.

OTHER NOTARY: Hey, sign this paper or else I’m leaving buddy.

OTHER SIGNER: Fine, take it and stuff it.

OTHER NOTARY: You owe me a travel fee. I hope you got cash!

OTHER SIGNER: I’m leaving.

SIGNER: Boy, what a place this Notary Motel is. I think we would have been much better off having our signing in the breakfast room of the Notary Hotel having one of those embossed waffles and then going to one of their signature rooms.

NOTARY: Yes, if we lived in a perfect world. But, if we lived in a perfect world, nobody would have to go to Notary Hell when they died either.

SIGNER: Good point. But, they go there because they have been bad Notaries, which is not the fault of the world. Okay, I’m done signing.

NOTARY: Great, just make sure you don’t walk out with one of their towels. They’ve been ripped off so many times they put microchips in those things to track them.

SIGNER: I’m not that desperate. Hey, who’s that sleazy looking lady in the parking lot. She looks like she is on drugs or something.

LADY: $10 dollars for a signature. $5 dollars for half a signature. I’ll sign anything you want!

GUY: Hey baby, wanna do a signing? Hop in!

NOTARY: I think we need to get out of here. I didn’t know it was this bad!

.

You might also like:

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Notary Oscars
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16540

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January 9, 2011

Notary Hotel 2 — the sequel

Welcome to The Notary Hotel, for all things notarial.

Customer: “Wow, this hotel is so notarial, even the notepad comes with Jurat wording!”
Reception: “We cater to a very specific market over here.”
Customer: “That is great, but honestly, at one of those other Notary Hotels, there were ink stains on the wash cloth!”
Reception: “Oh, I’m very sorry to hear about that. That must be the hotel on the other side of town that is currently out of commission, right?”
Customer: “That’s the one, but I don’t like to mention names!”
Reception: “I understand”
Customer: “And they were annoying too. Each room had a fax machine, so they could fax the bill to you, and they required three dozen fax backs before they would let you check out!”
Reception: “Sounds like that other notary hotel, or the Notel, as we call it was owned by a signing service.”
Customer: “Tell me about it.”
Reception: “We are notarial, but in a good way over here, well at least we like to think we are. You’ll enjoy our notarial breakfast. You get an embossed waffle. Instead of having the regular grid, you will get a huge impression of a circular embossed notary seal. Instead of an expiration date on the seal, we say — best if consumed before 6-01-2014 — for example.
Customer: “I’m hungry already.

Can you expedite my express-o?
Reception: “Then, you’ll enjoy a cup or two of our signature French roast coffee — but, you don’t have to notarize the signature.”
Customer: “Great, because I don’t feel comfortable with foreign language notarizations.”
Reception: “Oh no, it’s not a French language roast, the coffee is English speaking, and so is the signature.”
Customer: “In that case, that will be fine. I prefer espresso though.”
Reception: “Well, since we are a boutique hotel, we can make espresso upon special request.”
Customer: “Can you expedite my express-o? No pun intended.”
Reception: “And over here, instead of paying by the night, you can stay for a pre-arranged number of days, weeks or months — we call that period of time a commission!”
Customer: “Boy, you guys are just too notarial. Next thing you know, I’ll have to take a proctored test to stay here.”

What type of Notelarization?
Reception: “Well, we test you in other less pronounced ways — to make sure you know what you’re doing. Can you sign the register please, I mean the journal? We like our guests to sign it. We’re a bit old fashioned.”
Customer: “So, where you do you want me to sign it?”
Reception: “That was part of the test. You are the notary, you are supposed to know. You sign in the signature section!”
Customer: “Right… what was I thinking. I’ve been doing this job for twenty years and still have to be reminded! I’ll put the type of Notelarization as well — acknowledged overnight stay.”
Reception: “Super. Let me check your ID, to make sure the name matches the one in the journal. Your ID says, Ralph E Emerson, and you signed Ralph Wemerson? Am I missing something?”
Customer: “Well, over time, my E became sideways and began to look more like a W. You understand, right?”
Reception: “Well, at least it’s not like Wang Zhu Ming from China who signed in Chinese characters.”
Customer: “That’s nothing, I had an Egyptian who signed in hieroglyphics once, or at least it looked that way!”

Standards at the Notary Hotel
Reception: “At our Notel, we have standards. If any of the maids fails to abide by the following regulations, their commissions can be suspended, revoked, or terminated.”

(1) Failure to require the guest to sign for their food delivered during room service
(2) Failure to administer an Oath for the late night lasagna Jurat
(3) Failure to honor the 3 minute right to rescind on midnight tacos

Affidavit of Maid Services must be signed at the door. The date and time must be documented as well, along with an indication of the type of maid-torial act. For example, they could acknowledge that they made up the room.

Customer: “It sounds wonderful. This Notel operates for the benefit of the customer. What about late night pay-per-flick. Is there a rescission period for that if I don’t like the movie?”
Reception: “Yes, you can mail, or fax your…”
Customer: “Stop right there, did you say fax? I’m out of here!”
Reception: “No wait… come back…”

You might also like:

Notary Hotel 1
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Cheers: Sammy gets a name change form notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10016

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