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May 9, 2019

Donnie Wahlberg and the Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:18 am

DONNIE: Hi, I’m looking for a Notary who is reliable who can help me notarize a few Affidavits.

NOTARY: Well I’m reliable.

DONNIE: Oh you are? That’s great. Because the other Notaries failed to assure me that they were reliable, therefore you’re the one I’m going to hire for my two hundred documents.

NOTARY: Really?

DONNIE: No dumb-ass! You really think I’m going to take your word for it numb-nuts? The fact that you claim to be reliable doesn’t mean jack. This is ridiculous! I’m calling someone else.

DONNIE: Hi, I’m looking for a Notary who is reliable who can help me notarize a few Affidavits.

NOTARY: I’m cooking right now. I’m a bit of a gourmet.

DONNIE: Oh, I have a new brand for you for gourmets with attitude. It’s called “What the Puck, by Wolfgang Puck.”

(disclaimer — this is not a real brand and the reference was for purely comedic purposes and yes, we love Wolfgang Puck’s line of soups by the way in real life. Particularly chicken and wild rice because I like it wild.)

NOTARY: I find that kind of offensive.

DONNIE: Well I find it offensive that you act like you’re on vacation during a fricking business call. Get your head out of your ass and let me know if you wanna work or not?

NOTARY: I politely decline.

DONNIE: I’ll have to find someone else for my 200 Affidavits that I’m paying $10 per head for.

NOTARY: I changed my mind, I’m so behind on my payments.

DONNIE: You’re behind on payments because you put recreation ahead of work as a matter of practice. I need to find a real Notary who takes life seriously. (slams phone down)

DONNIE: (ring-ring) Hi, I need a Notary to notarize a few Affidavits.

KEN: Sounds super. Can you read the name as it appears on your ID?

DONNIE: What’s it to you buddy?

KEN: It’s a legal requirement and believe me, I’m not asking you for the pleasure of asking.

DONNIE: Fair enough. It says…. Donnie Wahlberg, Donnie spelled with an i.e. at the end like your giving an example. And Wahlberg which has an “h” after the a, and the berg has an “e”, not a “u”, not that there’s anything wrong with having a “u”.

KEN: Well I don’t have a “u”, nor do I have anything against “u.”

DONNIE: And you never will.

KEN: You’re probably not my type anyway, but it never hurts to meet new people.

DONNIE: You know something… I like you. You ain’t that bad! You didn’t say nuttin’ stupid like those other nitwits I talked to.

KEN: Hey, don’t knock it. I get a lot of work cleaning up after those clowns. Too bad the clown schools aren’t taking applications because then they could become professional clowns.

DONNIE: I’m not sure I want someone squirting me with water at a signing.

KEN: All I can say is just hope to god they don’t have cream pie for desert after the signing is over. You never know where that could go.

DONNIE: Yeah, tell me about it. You’re hired. By the way, 200 documents isn’t a problem for you, right?

KEN: cha-ching! I hit the jackpot. It just means more journal entries and a little self-massage of my hand when it cramps up. By the way, do you happen to have any good massage oil?

DONNIE: I actually know of some good brands from Whole Foods that my new girlfriend just tipped me off to. She just finished school to become a Thai masseuse, but she’s Irish which is another story.

KEN: Oh really. Tell me more… And by the way, she’ll have to change her accent. People go to Thai massage to hear, “Sawat de ka” and “I do for you.” and not “Ay, the luck of leprichauns… my father O’Flanahan knows a wee over two thousand stories about those creatures he told me as a lass, he did.”

DONNIE: A point well taken. I’ll take her to one of those accent reduction places for people whose American accent is too thick.

KEN: I like it! Just have her put a little nasal into it and whine a little bit. She’ll be perfect.

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