Harry and Lloyd set out to become notaries. Little did society (or the county clerk) know that they would be the dumbest notaries in human recorded history.

HARRY: I just got my new notary stamp.

LLOYD: Don’t forget to lick the stamp before you use it.

HARRY: Ha! I’m already ahead of you, my friend. (Sticking out tongue and revealing indented tongue from embosser.)

LLOYD: (sticking out his tongue) No, you’re not. I licked your notary stamp first!

HARRY: Ewwww. That means I licked where your tongue already was.

LLOYD: Ewwww.

HARRY: Hey, I’m going to my first notary assignment tomorrow. Wanna come for moral support and tips?

LLOYD: I guess. But, why do I have to tip you if you’re doing the job for someone else?

(at the assignment)

SAMANTHA: Thanks so much for coming. It’s so hard to find a Notary at the last minute.

HARRY: It’s the last minute?!!! Oh no, we’re all going to die!!!!

SAMANTHA: It’s a figure of speech. There will be other minutes.

LLOYD: Oooh. Pretty… and smart!

(Harry had Samantha sign the journal inside the book cover like an autograph. Then he attached a certificate to the documents. He wasn’t sure if Samantha was a guy or a chick, so he crossed on the he/she/they, used white out and wrote “it” in handwriting. What a dumb thing to do.)

HARRY: Done!

LLOYD: Aren’t you forgetting something?

HARRY: Oh yeah… (he licks his stamp after he affixed it. Luckily Samantha was too dumb to know the difference)

SAMANTHA: Thanks so much. I might need help next week with a lien.

HARRY & LLOYD: We’re good at that — watch this. (they both lean, bracing themselves against the wall.)

SAMANTHA: And a Quaker friend will need a notarization with an Oath.

HARRY: No problem. I’ll bring a box of them!

(The next day, a call came in from Dave who needed a notary for his Affidavit of Statute of Limitations for his Attorney) In looking up Harry’s profile, he noticed he’d written that he was a hard worker and had a professional misdemeanor.

DAVE: Hi, I’ll need a Notary. Can you meet me in the park for the notarization? It’s near my Attorney’s office.

HARRY: Your attorney lives in a park? Cool! I know this great fountain where we can meet.

(They both arrive. At the fountain where there is a statue)

DAVE: I’m so glad you could help. Here’s my document.

HARRY: Document? I already did the work, dude. See my seal over there? It’s on the statue of limitations. It was hard to find a clean spot next to all the bird droppings. Maybe that’s why it’s so limited. The person assigned to keep it clean is also limited if you ask me.

DAVE: What? You birdbrain!

HARRY: Thanks! Not that I’m smart enough to crap on a statue.

(The third day, he did a notarization for Luke)

HARRY: Okay Luke, you called for Quaker oats, and I brought you two boxes. Wanna warm some up?

LUKE: No Harry, I didn’t want Quaker Oats, I wanted Quaker Oaths.

HARRY: Oh, so that’s the part of the manual I read wrong. Let me get my hat. Okay, now swear.

LUKE: That’s not how it’s done. I’ve been to many notaries before.

HARRY: So, how do you do an Oath? This is my first commission, and probably my last if I don’t get suspended or held back a year.

LUKE: You start by asking a question, like, do you swear that you agree to the terms in this agreement?

HARRY: Do, I &%$-ing swear to agree to the &%#-ing terms in your &$#-ing agreement? I &%#-ing do swear!

LUKE: It’s not that kind of swearing, it’s the type of swearing like when you swear to tell the truth.

HARRY: Ohhhh. Well, I &%$-ing do swear to tell the &*$%-ing truth.

LUKE: I also need a Will notarized.

LLOYD: And a way?

LUKE: A way to notarize the will?

LLOYD: Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Here’s something I never got about legal documents. If there’s a will, why isn’t there also a won’t?

HARRY: Because they won’t want a Won’t — that’s why they call it “Won’t.”

LLOYD: Oh, that actually kind of makes sense.

HARRY: Okay, anything else?

LUKE: I heard that you could do e-signatures too?

HARRY: No, I don’t mess with that. I heard some Notary dude got electrocuted doing an e-signature. I saw a picture of him in the paper with his hair all frizzled. That’s a “don’t try this at home” type of notarization.

LUKE: Okay, thanks.

(The fourth day, they were asked to help sign a loan. The loan docs were late, so Harry took matters into his own hands.)

HARRY: What are the documents supposed to be in a loan?

LLOYD: Well, there is a Deed. So, we could do a Deed. Then there’s the Note. I have a note from my gym teacher saying I’m not fit to play volleyball. And if they don’t like that, I have this G# I lifted from music class. There is a Right to Cancel too. I could draw that up on my computer. Then, there is a HUB. I could bring the hub cap that’s been sitting on the corner for about a week. Here, help me. I want to put all of this in a box so we’ll be prepared.

HARRY: Lloyd — you’re the greatest friend a guy could have! And one of the smartest, and most prepared friends too!

LLOYD: If a smart guy like you thinks so, it must be true!

.

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