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January 3, 2011

Sign-Feld: The List!

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , , — admin @ 4:24 am

Kramer becomes a notary and wants to learn to market himself. So, he calls Carmen on Giddy-up!

KRAMER: Carmen, it’s Cosmo. Okay, I want in. What do I need to get started?

CARMEN: You need a listing on, a loan signing course and a list of signing companies.

KRAMER: Whoa, Nellie. I don’t have time for lists.

CARMEN: Yes Kramer — a list. You need to get signed up with all of the good companies on the list.

KRAMER: Do I need to part with any hard-earned cash to get this list?

CARMEN: What hard-earned cash?

KRAMER: Answer the question.

CARMEN: Don’t tell anybody else that I told you this, but the list is actually on sale — for free now. Just go to our blog!

KRAMER: Your blog? Oooh. I like blogs. What’s your blog address?

CARMEN: Just go to and click on the orange icon near the top of the screen.

KRAMER: Orange. Sinatra’s favorite color! And do I need to pass a test or something?

CARMEN: Just study from the loan signing course and then you can take our online test whenever you’re ready. It’s six and a half minutes long, so be prepared

KRAMER: I was a boy scout. I’m always prepared.

KRAMER: Jerry, you’ll never guess what I’m doing now.

JERRY: You became part of a traveling circus and you’re on your way to CVS to get more clown makeup?

KRAMER: Not exactly, but you’re right about the traveling part. I’m now officially a traveling notary.

JERRY: Really, so how does that work? Considering you never travel out of your apartment.

KRAMER: Well, you go to people’s houses to help them sign documents. Then I stamp the documents.

ELAINE: Are they stamp-worthy?

KRAMER: They’re the only kind I attach my good name to.

JERRY: I thought they attach their name.

KRAMER: They do. Come watch. It’ll be fun.

ELAINE: (laughs) Can I watch Jerry watch?

JERRY: Forget it. I’m too busy to watch or be watched.

KRAMER: Are you too intimidated by the notion of learning the art of the stamp, Jerry? Maybe you’re… above it all? Are you… too funny in that borderline whimsical standup way of yours to learn a notary’s tricks of the trade?

JERRY: All right. Spill it already. What do I need to learn to become a notary?

KRAMER: I’m not letting you in on my secret.

JERRY: Secret? What secret?

(later at Monk’s diner)

JERRY: Hey George. Have you noticed Kramer acting a little funny lately?

GEORGE: Funny in that borderline whimsical standup way?

JERRY: I’ve crossed that border into full whimsy! Did Kramer mention anything about some secret he was keeping?

GEORGE: He just was babbling about some mobile notary thing. It sounds like a big scam to me.

JERRY: Did he mention anything else about it?

GEORGE: Just that it might be a great way to meet women, and something about a list.

JERRY: A list?

GEORGE: Not sure. The only time I remember something is when I write it down on a list.

JERRY: Why would Kramer be keeping a list?

GEORGE: Hey, if I became a Notary, do you think I could meet women?

JERRY: If you were Hugh Heffner, you couldn’t meet women!

(Later back at Jerry’s apartment…)

(Newman ENTERS.)

NEWMAN: Hello…Jerry.

JERRY: Hello…Newman. What brings your overgrown carcass here?

NEWMAN: I’m here to speak with Kramer about a private matter.

JERRY: The only thing you keep private is your cholesterol level.

NEWMAN: It’s 360 – So there! (handing list to Kramer) Here’s the people on my mail route going through a divorce.

KRAMER: (handing over to Newman) Here’s your embosser.

JERRY: Wait a minute. You two are in cahoots? Don’t tell me Newman’s becoming a notary.

NEWMAN: I’ve already become one. I hand people their mail. Why shouldn’t I hand them papers to sign and make double the coin? (Fiendishly laughs)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Newman’s list of troubled marriages? That’s your list?

KRAMER: Just one of them. Now when people sign their divorce papers, who do you think will be there to officiate?

JERRY: Newman, that’s who.

NEWMAN: I resent that, Seinfeld. You’re implying I’d usurp Kramer.

JERRY: I’m not implying anything, Newman. You’d cheat Kramer as fast as you’d cheat your starving mother out of a glazed doughnut!

NEWMAN: Not till I make it… (waving embosser) official. (Fiendishly laughs)

(2 hours later)

JERRY: George, I found out what one of the lists is. It’s a list of newly divorced people on Newman’s mail route.

GEORGE: Newly divorced people on his mail route? What does he, reading their dear John letters?

JERRY: I think dear John is for breaking up. By the time you’re at the divorce stage, nobody callin’ anybody “dear.” What is that other list?

GEORGE: I think I overheard him talking to Carmen at 123notary about it. She’ll know. Just call the number on

JERRY: I’m impressed George. You remembered something that wasn’t on a list.

GEORGE: (pulls out a list from his pocket) Well, I had a little help.

JERRY: I’m going to call Carmen. (ring-ring)

CARMEN: 123notary, this is Carmen.

JERRY: Carmen, it’s Jerry Seinfeld.

CARMEN: You can’t be Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld would have his people call me.

JERRY: I have no people. I find it’s a lot easier not remembering people’s birthdays. You gotta tell me. You know about the list. Kramer knows about the list. I wanna know about the list!

CARMEN: Hmm, I do remember talking to a gentleman named Cosmo yesterday calling from your area code. I gave him instructions for how to visit our blog on and find the 2014 list of best signing companies. Just click on the orange button at the top right of the screen and then click on the category in our blog for good signing companies. Scroll, and you’ll find it.

JERRY: Carmen, if I did have people in my life — you’d be one of them. I’m online now. I’m clicking the orange button… where is that link… here it is! I’m scrolling. There is no list like this. There are the good signing companies, but not best. What happened to the list?

CARMEN: It was dated September 27th.

JERRY: I’m right there. There is no list.

CARMEN: Jeremy must have taken it down. You’ll have to take this up with him by email.

(Kramer slides in)

JERRY: What happened to that list?

KRAMER: You mean George’s crib sheet?

JERRY: You know what list I’m talking about Kramer. I checked with Carmen, and they took the list down!

KRAMER: I’m listless, Jerry. I sold my list. And I won’t say to who. The documents aren’t the only thing sealed. So are my lips.

JERRY: What are you telling me Kramer?

KRAMER: It’s the list Jerry, the list. I may have sold it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have it.

JERRY: Can you share the list? Just this one time?

KRAMER: Oh no, I can’t. I can’t share the list.

JERRY: Oh come on!

ELAINE: Guess who I just saw outside?

JERRY: I don’t go outside. There are too many people out there.

ELAINE: I saw Newman. I don’t know what he was staring at more worshipfully, his tuna sub, or this piece of paper he was staring at.

JERRY: I’m following him. (Jerry goes outside) Newman! You’re the one with the list.

NEWMAN: That’s right Jerry. (driving off in his convertible while waving the list in the air)


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