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December 15, 2018

Trump’s Trade War Affects Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 9:07 am

Trumps desire to seek vengeance on the Chinese for taking advantage of liberal trade laws has come back to haunt the Notary industry. Now, documents that originate in China will have a 25% tariff on the Notary fee nationwide. (This is fiction by the way for comedic purposes, so please do not charge more than your state allows.) Now, you have to charge your state appointed fee, and then another 25% Federal tax, keep accounting of the tax money you kept, and fill out a statement at the end of your year with your 1040 to account for what you charged. For Notaries doing more than $1000 in tax, they might also need a special license.

Then, you have to fill out the Chinese “Bao-Shui-Biao” form that gets sent back to President Xi (sounds like “she”, but she is a he.) so he can see the effects of the trade imbalance. I wonder what Paul Revere would say about that. He spend his career fighting tariffs.

The next hard hit sector of the Notary industry are the Title companies that use outsourced Mortgage Process Outsourcing companies to assist in the Mortgage paperwork. They will also be charged a whopping 25%. Of course, they pay their workers so poorly in China (just barely enough for xiao-long-bao and man-tou) that the 25% won’t amount to anything, but it still hurts. We interview Xi He-Li in China.

NEWSLADY: So Mr. Xi (prounounced she)

Mr. XI: Please, just call me he, not she. Okay, he or she, but not it, although in Chinese, those three words are all homonyms, so if you said it in Chinese, I would not know the difference.

NEWSLADY: Boy, this is confusing.

Mr. XI: Don’t call me boy. He or she, but not boy or it.

NEWSLADY: Is boy a homonym for anything?

Mr. XI: The word for boy is “er-zi” and thank God nothing else has the same pronunciation or tone as that word. It is the only word in Chinese that doesn’t have a double, triple quadruple, or quintuple meaning. Sometimes I wonder how we communicate. Thank God for understanding based on context.

NEWSLADY: Well, the context here is the tariff. How has the tariff affected your life?

Mr. XI: I get paid so poorly at my job. By the way, I love my government — hi government… kisses. I had to suffer a 15% pay cut due to the 25% tariffs, but there was a 10% discount in the price of “guo-tie” dumplings. So, I think I am netting a loss of about 5% after expenses. It could be a lot worse. There is a lot of unemployment in China these days due to economic instability.

NEWSLADY: So, you work for an MPO, Mortgage Process Outsourcing company?

Mr. XI: Yes. We are relocating to India soon where the other MPO’s are. I am trying to find the best deal on medicines for indigestion before I go there. I have heard stories about Bombay. And no good Chinese food there. I think I will die. I will have to get used to dating Indian girls. Not sure what that will be like, but they dance well on television.

NEWSLADY: I think the ladies who work at an MPO will be better at paperwork than dancing.

Mr. XI: Yes, but some of them take dance lessons after work after their two hour train ride squashed like a sardine in the second class compartment or a Bombay train.

NEWSLADY: Well, that pretty much wraps it up. Mr. Xi is being paid almost nothing due to Trump, and will soon be transferred to Mumbai where there is no decent Chinese food unless you pay for Chinese food in a five star hotel. In a word you’re screwed.

Mr. XI: You can say that again.

NEWSLADY: Okay… Ni Bei Pian La… Zhu Ni Hao Yun! For those English speakers that means that you’ve been screwed, but wishing you good luck. Reporting from Shanghai which is a homonym for “been hurt” if you say it with the wrong tonation — Sandra Smith, CNC news.


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Letter to Trump about the sad condition of American Notaries

Is Trump to blame for the Notary slowdown?

If Trump hired you as a Notary, would you get fired?


October 21, 2016

Building a Wall Around Signing Companies


Signing companies are invading our territory. They’re lowering rates for signings, not paying people, and micromanaging the people doing signings.

We will build a wall around these signing companies. And let the signing companies not paying people on time pay for it. The good notaries will make good people sign their legible signatures on the wall. The bad notaries will turn to petty crime and write illegible graffiti on the wall.

In addition to the signing companies, too many new notaries are invading our territory, willing to do twenty dollar signings. They’re killers… of the marketplace by working for cheap. Others are executors… of documents that have something wrong with them. . Others are improperly backdating… Or allowing clients to sign incorrectly… They’re misidentifying people… They’re not administering oaths properly…

We will make notaries great again. They’ll become certified on They’ll start winning again. Believe me, they’ll get so tired of winning, they’ll start losing their minds just to remember what losing feels like!

We’ll impose a temporary ban on all lousy notaries until we can figure out what the hell is going on. We’ll deport the notaries who aren’t doing their jobs back to where they came from, unless they’re already citizens, in which case we’ll export them to countries we’re not that crazy about. We’ll let them come back legally – by letting a competent notary make them swear they won’t screw things up the next time around.

And when that’s finished, we’ll build a wall around my mouth.

In answer to Bernie Sanders and Pink Floyd… We don’t need no (free) education! All in all it’s just another brick in the wall!

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Notary Happy Days goes to China!

Alice in Notary wonderland