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January 6, 2011

All in the Family – notarization for a drug test

EDITH: Oh Archie, you’re home.

ARCHIE: Yeah Edith I’m home. And I can do without your usual yapping. I just want to sit in my chair, have a beer, and listen to the voices in my head.

EDITH: Is my voice one of them voices?

ARCHIE: If it ever stops yapping I’ll be sure to ask.

EDITH: All right Archie. I’ll get you your beer, and your newspaper.

ARCHIE: Don’t show me the newspaper. It’s just going to be more of those hippies slamming Mr. Richard Milhouse Nixon’s integrity.

EDITH: Integrity? That was in the news? I must have missed that.

ARCHIE: All of those hippy commies and their Mary Jane they keep smoking. I’m telling you Edith. It’s turning this country into a bunch of commie pot-heads. Which is why my boss questioned my unscrutibility by making this WW2 vet take a drug test.

MICHAEL: Arch, you mean inscrutability.

ARCHIE: Inscrutability you!

GLORIA: What’s this about daddy having to take a drug test?

ARCHIE: You heard right little girl. Because your whole generation is flying around high as a kite all the time, my boss is making red blooded Americans like your daddy get neuterized drug tests.

MICHAEL: That’s pretty funny arch. When I think of dope, you are the man!

SALLY: Michael, that’s not nice.

ARCHIE: So, where am I going to find a Noterary Republic?

MICHAEL: Where people find everything instantly these days. The yellow pages.

ARCHIE: Let your fingers do the walking. That’s the only exercise a lazy guy like you gets.

MICHAEL: Oh here’s one that looks good. 123notary. We come to you. Any type of document or loan signing. My psychic said that one day, 123notary would be on this new thing call the world wide web in about twenty-five years.

ARCHIE: Tell your psychic to look into the distant future when you finally find a job.

EDITH: (calling 123notary — ring ring) Hello yes, is this 123notary?

123NOTARY: 123notary, where the peace sign comes to you!

EDITH: Archie, do you want the peace sign to come to us?

ARCHIE: What are you talking about — give me that phone. (talking to 123notary) Is this your 1234notary?

123notary: 123

ARCHIE: Whatever. Am I talking to the Noterary?

123NOTARY: One of them.

ARCHIE: I need a notary to come to 704 Hauser Street. How much do you charge?

123NOTARY: That will be 20 cents per signature plus $4 travel fee.

ARCHIE: $4 travel fee? Rake me over the coals why don’t you. I have a drug test I need notarized.

123NOTARY: Do you have the actual paperwork?

ARCHIE: No, but I’ll get it on Monday.

123NOTARY: We can’t notarize the actual test results, but we can notarize a statement from you regarding the authenticity of the test.

ARCHIE: Yeah, authenticity, whatever.

(Archie goes to the drug test)

NURSE: We just need a blood and urine sample. Could you urinate into this container? Just do your business!

ARCHIE: Aw, couldn’t you be more discreet?

NURSE: Okay. Go tinkle. Is that better?

(2 minutes later)

NURSE: Great. This is a good sample. We’ll let you know your results tomorrow. Just come in anytime after 9am.

(the next day)

ARCHIE: Hi, I need to pick up the drug test results.

NURSE: You realize these results are strictly confidential.

ARCHIE: Tell the whole world, I don’t care. I never touched drugs in my life.

NURSE: (quietly) Your test results show that you have trace amounts of marijuana in your system, but you passed.

ARCHIE: Shh. shh… shhh… Did you grab the wrong cup? How is that even possible?

NURSE: It’s very common to accidentally inhale second hand smoke and it could happen anywhere… at work, at home, or even walking down the street.

ARCHIE: I’ve never been around Mary Jane in my life.

NURSE: Don’t be so soon Mr. Bunker. Drug tests don’t lie!

(an hour later)

123NOTARY: So, you want to sign a statement saying that you never used drugs. And that you don’t know where you accidentally inhaled Marijuana.

ARCHIE: Sure, sure, whatever I need to do to expungulate the record.

123NOTARY: Sign here, and then raise your right hand and repeat after me.

(later that night, Archie confronts Michael and insists that he must have inhaled Michael’s second hand smoke, and then demanded that Michael get a drug test to prove it)