2 and a half notaries – learning the ropes
Disclaimer: The content in this dialogue may not be suitable for children or people who have any semblance of values, morals, or decency.
Charlie goes to a hot notary
NOTARY #1: Is it your first time? I’ll go easy on you.
CHARLIE: I’ve been notarized before. It was just such a long time ago.
NOTARY #1: Some people say that getting notarized is like riding a bike. You never forget how!
CHARLIE: Wish I could forget that and remember why I had “I love you, Ellen” tattooed on my leg.
NOTARY #1: If I didn’t notarize it, you don’t officially have to love her.
Then, Charlie goes to another notary to pick up some technique so he could impress the first notary. But, it was someone Charlie had been with before.
CHARLIE: I didn’t recognize you in that outfit,…or any outfit.
NOTARY #2 : Is that an embosser in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
CHARLIE: Samantha? No — Julie.
NOTARY #2: Boy, you have the worst memory I’ve ever seen.
CHARLIE: Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be having this problem. I’d just ask for ID.
JAKE: Just out of curiosity, do notarizations have climaxes? You know, when you get to the ape of the notarization?
ALAN: You mean the ape-x, right?
JAKE: Yeah, that too.
NOTARY #2: It kind of does. The most critical part of the notarization is when the signer signs the journal.
JAKE: You mean that signing the document isn’t the most important part?
NOTARY #2: It’s important, but that can be done before the notarization.
JAKE: Oh, so it’s kind of like what I do before I leave the house if I’m going out with Jillian.
CHARLIE: I’m sure it’s exactly like that. Well, I want to learn the ropes over here. How does a notarization start?
NOTARY #2: it all starts by someone coming to the notary and telling the notary what they want.
JAKE: Oh — and do they need to tell the notary how they want it too?
NOTARY #2: Something like that. For legal purposes, the notary is prohibited from deciding or recommending what type of notary act to do for a particular document or signature. That is entirely up to the signer and their Attorney.
ALAN: So, let’s say I need a notarization. How do I ask for what I want?
CHARLIE: With you, you’re notorious for not knowing how to ask for what you want, that’s why you’re where you are in life.
ALAN: I want you to take that back.
CHARLIE: Oh sure, NOW you ask for what you want.
NOTARY #2: A client could come and they want an acknowledgment for their signature.
JAKE: Oh, I acknowledge you. Do I ever!
CHARLIE: Don’t mind him — he came with the house.
NOTARY #2: I see. Well, a client could also ask for a Jurat which requires a sworn Oath and must be signed in the presence of the notary.
CHARLIE: Well, let’s practice. I’ll be the client, and you can be the Notary. Sounds like a bad porn scene. What am I saying? There are no bad porn scenes. Wait a second, I have some paper in my den.
(2 minutes later)
NOTARY #2: Okay, and you signed this document?
CHARLIE: Yeah, that’s my signature. You probably want to ID me too.
NOTARY #2: Funny you should ask. Hmmm. It seems that your demented signature actually matches the demented signature on the ID.
CHARLIE: I think of it as more of a doctors’ signature, without the hassle of med school.
NOTARY #2: I’ve seen doctors’ signatures hundreds of times, and this doesn’t look a bit like a doctor’s signature. It looks more like one I got doing a notarization at an AA meeting.
JAKE: Well, maybe it was a doctor who had a little too much to drink because he got stressed out in surgery.
NOTARY #2: Now, I’m going to need you to sign my book.
CHARLIE: Well, you can bring your book right over (patting the table lightly)
NOTARY #2: Okay, sign away… Hey wait a second. Your signature looks sober now. What happened?
CHARLIE: Don’t ask me (slurring…)
NOTARY #2: I’m going to fill in the wording and seal this certificate, staple it to this Affidavit of testing document.
JAKE: Who was taking a test?
CHARLIE: Jessica agreed to take a test to make sure she didn’t have… never mind.
ALAN: Pay no attention to him.
NOTARY #2: And we’re done.
Charlie starts seeing one of the notaries regularly, and then gets caught seeing another notary.
NOTARY #1: I just love being with you. I feel like we are soul mates. Do you believe in soul mates?
CHARLIE: If they look good in my jacuzzi, then yeah. I could believe in soul mates.
NOTARY #1: The way I look at it, your jacuzzi looks good around me.
CHARLIE: With you in the Jacuzzi, no wonder it’s hot.
NOTARY #1: By the way. I noticed you talking to that other notary.
CHARLIE: Oh her? I was just learning a little technique from her to impress you.
NOTARY #1: What kind of technique?
CHARLIE: Y’know. Notary stuff. Presiding over deeds.
NOTARY #1: Dirty deeds? Are you two-timing me?
CHARLIE: Two-timing you? Don’t be silly. One-timing you, absolutely. By the second time, I’m a little spent.
NOTARY #1: You know what I mean! You’re cheating on me.
CHARLIE: No no, it’s nothing like that. We were just notarizing a document. Nothing more.
NOTARY #1: Well, did she use her seal?
CHARLIE: Well, yeah.
NOTARY #1 slaps him.
CHARLIE: Would it help if I told you her commission expired?
NOTARY #1: You and I are expired.
She leaves. Charlie goes back to Notary #2.
CHARLIE: Hi, Samantha
NOTARY #2: So, you’ve finally figured out my name now. I go by Sam actually.
CHARLIE: Well, I go by Char. Just kidding. I wanted to learn more about notary work. I wanted to do some role play, and I could be the notary.
NOTARY #2: We can talk about that. But, you will have to create your own seal.
CHARLIE: You mean I can’t use your seal?
NOTARY #2: it would be illegal for you to use my seal.
CHARLIE: I could use notorial protection, to make sure we’re both safe.
NOTARY #2: Abstinence is the best protection.
CHARLIE: I know how to ask for a happy ending in 17 languages. But, can a notarization come with a happy ending?
NOTARY #2: No Charlie, it doesn’t. But, I think I know what you are asking me.
(2 months later… Charlie becomes a notary, but does some improper notarizations and faces the consequences.)
CHARLIE: Why does it hurt when I affix my stamp? Must be one of those notarial diseases. Next time I’ll require double identification to be safe? Hmmm, maybe that wouldn’t help. Maybe Samantha was right. Maybe notarial abstinence is the best policy. It must be because of those two blonds that I notarized. I knew it.
ALAN: What’s up?
CHARLIE: I’m just bummed out. Samantha, and Charlene who you might remember as Notary #1… well, neither of them will see me again. Not to mention the fact that I seem to have picked up a nasty case of the… I don’t even know what you call it.
ALAN: Oh, the Jurclap. I read about that. You can get that if you have unprotected notarizations. Well Charlie. All I can say is, don’t feel bad, there will be other notaries!
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