Florida hires Les Nessman — a former news announcer from WKRP turned notary to do a mobile notary job for them in their neighborhood. Unfortunately Les gets jumped and never wants to return to their area. But, JJ saves the day and buys back Les’s stolen property, returns it to him. Wilona accompanies JJ, and asks Les out on a date to a movie.
FLORIDA: I just can’t believe how difficult it is to get a Notary. We have to go all the way downtown and stand in line and then they have the nerve to charge us an arm and a leg. Can’t the District of Columbia do something about that? Don’t they understand that we are poor people?
WILONA: (walks in) Hi y’all! Guess what the latest addition to our women’s clothing line at our store is?
JJ: I don’t know. Perhaps a T short that says wipe your paws if you expect me to do the same?
THELMA: Oh, put a can in it JJ!
WILONA: No dummy, it’s my shirt. “I Love Notaries.” I heard that you were having a notary coming down here. Is he cute?
FLORIDA: Now, where did you hear anything like that?
JJ: Let’s just say, she heard a rumor.
JAMES: A rumor from whom?
JJ: A rumor from the grapevine, so to speak.
THELMA: A skinny grapevine with a big mouth?
JJ: That is a poss-i-bil-i-ty!
WILONA: Well, is he cute? Cuz I wanna date a notary!
FLORIDA: You don’t know anything about this Notary. He could be anyone.
WILONA: I ain’t getting any younger. If he has a pulse and treats me alright, I’ll consider him.
JJ: Oh, I’m sure he has a pulse. As a matter of fact…
JAMES: The notary we had in mind was a guy named Les who works downtown. He tried to visit us up here, for a reasonable fee, but…
JJ: But, he got jumped on his way up the stairway, right?
FLORIDA: JJ, how can you say a terrible thing like that?
THELMA: No, what JJ is saying is true, but even worse. He was mugged in the stairwell, and his car was broken into as well. He had one of those nice car radio systems that everybody wants.
JJ: I should have warned him. Come to think of it, I think there should be a sign saying, “No parking for people with nice car stereo systems, unless you have an armed security guard watching your car.”
FLORIDA: Now, JJ, what kind of a city would have a sign like that?
JJ: One that protects its citizens against the inevitable.
JAMES: JJ is just being realistic.
JJ: You see, people like that mugger are scaring people away from coming to our neighborhood. That is why we haven’t been able to get a mobile notary to come down here in the last twenty years.
THELMA: JJ, you aren’t even twenty years old.
JJ: Be that as it may. But, I have heard stories from people who have been here for a while.
FLORIDA: Well, I just talked the situation over with my psychic who says that one day, there will be this wonderful mobile notary directory called 123notary.com, but it won’t exist for another twenty-five years. I can’t wait that long. 123notary will be a directory where you can find over 7000 notaries anywhere in the United States who will come to you.
THELMA: Can’t we speed time up?
JJ: Yeah, like getting in a time machine?
JAMES: Now, you know that isn’t possible.
JJ: It is possible, if you have the right kind of imagination, and the creativity of an ar-teeest! (striking a pose and doing a bow)
FLORIDA: Well, what are we going to do in the mean time?
JJ: Relax, and consider your problems to be solved. For I have a good idea where that poor notary’s seal may very well be.
THELMA: How would you know something like that?
JJ: There is a street stall six blocks up from here called, “Questionably acquired merchandise for less.” I have a distinct feeling, that this poor notary’s seal might be there. I will go take a look.
JAMES: Now, I don’t want you getting in any trouble.
JJ: Well, as I said before, I am tired of people like that mugger scaring people away from this neighborhood. Especially people providing valuable services to the community — like Samantha.
FLORIDA: Samantha? Now, who is Samantha?
JJ: Let’s just say that she is a beautiful work of art and knows her way around a pole!
FLORIDA: Where have you been hanging out? I don’t like how this sounds at all.
JAMES: JJ! I don’t like this either. Boy, I put you in this world and you can be damn sure that I can take you out!
JJ: Just relax. I never went to see Samantha. I only heard stories. Very descriptive stories I might add. But, worry not! She ain’t comin’ no more. She got jumped and the mugger got so mad that all she had was ones, that he threw half the money back at her and said, “Keep the change!”
(meanwhile… JJ goes to the street stall to buy-back the stuff that was stolen from the Notary.)
JJ: Well, what do we have here. A Notary Seal with the name Les Nessman. Speak of the devil. Now, where would you get a thing like this?
SELLER: We have a strictly enforced don’t ask don’t tell policy around here. We don’t know and we don’t wanna know.
JJ: And what do you know, a car stereo system that exactly matches the one that Les had. Now, that is what I call one stop shopping! What a coincidence. How much do you want for both. Do I get a package deal?
SELLER: $10 will do it.
(JJ and Wilona take the bus downtown to see Les)
LES: I am so sorry about what happened. How, can I ever apologize?
JJ: There is no need to apologize. The error is all ours. We invited you to come to our neighborhood during the most dangerous hour of the any day in any week. 2pm on Sunday. That hour is notorious for all types of scandals, crimes, and civil unrest. But, fear not. I bear tidings of joy, and gifts. Close your eyes, and open your hands.
LES: Okay, but what kind of. Oh!!! That feels like my Notary Seal. And what’s that clunky thing? (opening his eyes) That’s my stereo!
WILONA: Hi, Les. Do you like my T-Shirt?
LES: Oh well, well yes. “I Love Notaries.” I hope you like news announcers too, because that is what I was doing at WKRP for many years.
WILONA: I can deal with news as well, just as long as it’s good news! Honestly Les, it has been my dream for the better part of my life…
JJ: You mean for the last five and a half days
WILONA: It has been my dream to date a notary. I know a good movie playing in my neighborhood.
LES: Uh… I’m not sure I want to go to your neighborhood again.
JJ: Yeah!! Unless he has a bulletproof vest, two armed guards and a NASA strength high security lock for his car.
WILONA: Well, I heard that there is a great movie playing downtown. Maybe that’s a better idea.
LES: Um… well, gee. I haven’t gone out on a date for quite a while. I don’t know what I would wear?
WILONA: Not a problem! I happen to own a clothing store. I’ll get you a T-Shirt that says, “Kiss me, I’m a notary!”
LES: Oh, in my size?
WILONA: Honey, I’ll just measure you and get you the right size.
LES: Well, it’s a deal!
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