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September 30, 2014

Leave it to Beaver: Notarized parental consent form

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 11:03 am

JUNE: Ward?

WARD: Yes, dear?

JUNE: I’m worried about the Beaver and Wally.

WARD: Oh? Why is that, dear?

JUNE: It seems the two of them have been locked in their room for over three hours. Now what do you suppose they’re doing up there?

WARD: Now, dear, I wouldn’t worry. I remember when I was their ages, I spent a good deal of time locked in my room too.

JUNE: Ward!

WARD: All right, dear. I’ll go give a looksee.

IN WALLY AND BEAVER’S ROOM…

BEAVER: Gosh, Wally. If Mary Ellen knew she had to take a pregnancy test, why didn’t she study for it?

WALLY: It’s not that kind of test, you little goof. She didn’t know she had to take the test until she was late.

BEAVER: Wasn’t she wearing a watch?

WALLY: Not that kind of “late,” you little goof. Boy, didn’t dad teach you anything about the birds & bees and all that goofy junk?

BEAVER: Maybe. But I was busy feelin’ sick and stuff, so I may not have been listening.

WALLY: Now we have to get the test notarized and all that junk.

BEAVER: Notarized?

WALLY: Yeah, it makes it official.

BEAVER: Mmm. Well… if you don’t notarize it… and she’s pregnant… wouldn’t that make it… unofficial?

WALLY: Heck! Maybe you’re not such a little goof after all.

Eddie Haskel ENTERS.

EDDIE: Well, if it isn’t the father-to-be and the squirt!

WALLY: Cut it out, Eddie. I told you to keep your mouth shut about this.

EDDIE: Relax, Sam! My lips are sealed. I know where your lips have been. (POKING HIM) Ha. Ha.

WALLY: Eddie! I’m warning you.

EDDIE: Okay, okay. Listen, didn’t I tell you about wearing protection?

BEAVER: Y’mean like a coat?

EDDIE: No, you dumb punk.

WALLY: Lay off him, Eddie.

EDDIE: Too bad you didn’t lay off Mary Ellen.

Wally lunges for him and pins Eddie to the wall as WARD ENTERS.

WARD: Oh, hello, Eddie. I didn’t realize you boys had company.

EDDIE: Good afternoon, Mr. Cleaver. I was just remarking to young Theodore here about what a mature young man he’s grown into. You must be very proud.

WARD: I’m a lot of things, Eddie.

EDDIE: Well, I really must be going. I promised my father I’d polish the silver.

EDDIE LEAVES.

WARD: What are you boys doing all cooped up in your room. It’s a beautiful sunny day outside!

WALLY: Uh, Dad, can I ask you a question?

WARD: Certainly, Wally.

WALLY: Well, before you and mom had me and the Beav… Umm, did you guys know you were having me and the Beav?

WARD: I’m not sure what you mean, son.

WALLY: What I mean is… Umm… Was I… or the Beav… Umm… y’know… an accident?

WARD: What exactly are you getting at, son?

WALLY: Back in your day… did… mom ever have to take a test?

WARD: Well certainly, son. We took lots of tests. Math tests…

WALLY: No…

WARD: Geography tests…

WALLY: Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you ever get mom pregnant by mistake????!

A BEAT.

WARD: I remember when I was your age I did plenty of that too.

WALLY: Gosh! That’s a relief. Dad, will you sign the parental consent form for the pregnancy test?

WARD: Yes, Wally. But remember one thing. This is a very serious matter. If Mary Ellen proves to be with child, you two will have to get married and raise the child. You’ll have to leave school and get a job. Are you ready for that kind of responsibility?

WALLY: Heck, dad, no.

WARD: Well, neither was I. But… we made out okay. Then again… if you don’t get it notarized, it isn’t official. (winking) Right, Wally?

BEAVER: Gee. Y’know something, dad?

WARD: What’s that, son?

BEAVER: For bein’ a dad, you’re a pretty neat guy.

WARD: Beaver, that’s just about the neatest thing anybody’s ever said.

.

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