There was a Notary who thought he was funny. But, he ended up having a lot of trouble at the comedy club. Here is what happened:
NOTARY: Hi, I’m mingling.
GIRL: Oh, that’s nice. This is a good comedy club.
NOTARY: I know, that’s why I came.
GIRL: I love comedy, it’s funny!
NOTARY: (pause… laughs abruptly) It’s just funny how you say it. It’s so obvious, of course comedy is funny. But, just the way you said it is funny. That’s right. Comedy — is — funny!
GIRL: Well your set is coming up.
MANAGER: Listen Notary, did you come to do comedy, or are you just joking around?
NOTARY: No, I’m here to do my set.
MANAGER: Good because there is nothing I love more than consensual sets.
NOTARY: And I brought a helmet so it will be protected sets.
GIRL: I didn’t see that one coming! Ha ha.
(Notary gets on stage)
NOTARY: So, this is a great crowd. Yeah… So, are there any Notaries here?
HECKLER: I don’t think Notaries can afford the $6 for drinks on what they make. Especially if there are eDocuments involved.
NOTARY: Normally I don’t like hecklers but you kind of have a point. When they asked for my six dollars I asked them to bill me and do a few fax backs. The bartender just gave me a blank look.
HECKLER: A blank look is better than a blank check.
NOTARY: You’re telling me, but don’t get your signatures in a bunch. So, did you hear the one about the two signatures that got married? They got divorced a week later. The writing was on the wall. The divorce ended up in a huge tangle. (pause) I guess they were not doctor signatures. I hope they had a good Attorney because the paperwork must have been a nightmare.
HECKLER: They would have to put the signatures on the documents which would mean they would have to multiply.
NOTARY: Hey, are you trying to steal my show? Actually, your jokes are even better than mine — so this will work out well. You must have a good writer.
HECKLER: It’s the same dumb-ass who writes your lines numbskull.
NOTARY: Good point. Wait a second, that means the writer is calling himself a numbskull.
HECKLER: He means it facetiously I’m sure. Okay. There was an embosser who bossed around the employees. Who’s the em-boss now?
NOTARY: I think he only has power over the employees in an em-mergency.
HECKLER: Good one. You must be learning from me.
NOTARY: Good God, what a thought. Okay. Got one. What do Notary seals and squids have in common?
HECKLER: Ummm. They both have ink?
NOTARY: Besides the ink…
HECKLER: Besides the ink?
NOTARY: Just kidding… it’s the ink.
HECKLER: You got me on that one! What about octopuses who do signings?
NOTARY: Yeah, they can answer the phone, fill in their journal, stamp the document and kiss the borrower’s wife all simultaneously. It’s kind of like being one of those Hindu Gods with all of the hands.
GIRL: Yes, there is nothing like hands-on experience.
HECKLER: I think that would be tentacles-on experience. Hey, look at that guy with the purple circles on his neck. Does he have a really good girlfriend or was he attacked by an octopus… speaking of octopuses?
NOTARY: No, that is Chinese gua-sha suction cupping. People use it to reduce tension and clear up blood flow. There is nothing funny about that. Olympians use it too, at least they showed evidence of it recently.
GIRL: Are you sure that isn’t an AIDS symptom?
NOTARY: It looks like it, but the AIDS circle is normally on your back or forehead and is smaller and looks different. Plus the color goes away in a few days if it is cupping. I went to a signing with cup marks once. I told the boss I had marks and he said do the signing anyway. Then he fired me because the borrowers complained. What a hypocrite.
GIRL: Men. On Monday they say one thing and on Tuesday they say another.
HECKLER: Kind of like a woman’s love. They try to hook you into a marriage, but halfway into the engagement they change their mind.
GIRL: Think of all the legal fees you saved. Speaking of legal fees, hey Notary, do you know any Attorney jokes?
NOTARY: Why don’t sharks attack Attorney-Notaries?
HECKLER: Oh, I know that one. Professional courtesy.
GIRL: No, it is because the Attorney-Notaries are so busy doing signings in Georgia that they don’t have time to go swimming.
NOTARY: Another possibility…. Okay, now we have a two-drink minimum, so when the drink lady comes, give her a nice order and a good tip. Deal?
JOHN: Do they have drinks with squid ink in them so I can have an official Notary drink?
NOTARY: There is no such thing, but there is Peruvian Inka Cola — try that. We have it on tap.
GIRL: I tried the certified angus burger with an embossed flat bread bun. Very delicious. But, not as good as the wagyu burger I had at the Japanese place.
NOTARY: Okay crowd. Now, A Notary was to notarize a husband and wife…
HECKLER: Oh, I didn’t know you were into that.
NOTARY: But, the wife wasn’t there and had to sign on another day. What do you do with the acknowledgment?
GIRL: Something kinky I hope.
HECKLER: You ruined it. I thought you were going to have a threesome and dress the wife up as a French maid or something. I think you have to use one acknowledgment for the guy and another for the girl, but not fill out the girl… oh that sounds kinky.. until you see her when her husband is not around on another date. You have to put the date the husband signed on the husband’s acknowledgment and the date the wife signed on hers.
NOTARY: Yeah, we Notaries sure love filling things out.
GIRL: Do you fill people out too?
NOTARY: You have to pay extra for that!
HECKLER: Oh! Good come back. I’m impressed. You should try improv!
NOTARY: One thing I don’t like about the amateur nights is that each person only gets three minutes and you are not allowed to interact as that is considered heckling. Thank God we don’t have that inconvenience here.
HECKLER: Yeah, I’ll say. People think you pay me to be here and harass you.
GIRL: You’re actually a big help and not that rude considering. I wish I could say the same about my ex-husband.
NOTARY: There was a rumor that I was having an affair with Jennifer Lopez, and the rumor spread all around Twitter, but I only got three responses. 1. Right on. 2. Awesome and 3. You wish… The third comment was from my wife. Okay, this has been a great show. Thanks and remember — keep stamping.
MANAGER: Yes folks, if you liked the show, stamp your feet on the ground to show solidarity with oppressed Notaries who stamp and stamp all day – well they stamp documents, but you will just have to be happy stamping on the floor for now. Thanks and you have been a great crowd. Damn it… they just ran out of Inka Soda. Why does this always happen on my shift?
You might also like:
Some comedians look for notaries
Notary stand up routine