I LOVE LUCY – THE POWER OF ATTORNEY
RICKY: (reading paper) Yeah, hon.
LUCY: I just got my hair done. You like?
RICKY: (buried in paper) It’s nice.
LUCY: You like the color? It’s my natural color, you know.
RICKY: (buried in paper) Uh-huh.
RICKY: (buried in paper) Sounds lovely.
Lucy rips paper away from Ricky.
LUCY: Ricky Ricardo, you haven’t been listening to a thing I said!
RICKY: I’m sorry, honey. I’m just trying to forget about the show I’m doing at the Copa.
RICKY: I have so much to do beforehand, I don’t know how I’m gonna get it all done. The rehearsals. The publicity. The contracts. The manager wants one thing splained. The agent wants another thing splained. Ey-yi-yi-yi-yi.
LUCY: I’m good at splaining! Ricky, I know! Fred can be your power of attorney.
RICKY: Fred can be my what?
LUCY: He can act as your agent. You know Fred used to be a notary public.
RICKY: Fred? Really?
LUCY: As a landlord, he figured it might come in handy with other duties on the job. But he didn’t renew his commission. Not that he wouldn’t if you needed him to be your power of attorney.
RICKY: How come he didn’t renew?
LUCY: Ethel told me it was a secret.
RICKY: A secret? Lucy… you were never good at keeping secrets…
LUCY: Ricky, I promised Ethel I wouldn’t say anything…
LUCY: (spilling beans) Two tenants wanted him to authorize an affidavit of domestic partnership.
RICKY: Without getting married first? Ey-yi-yi-yi-yi. Well, I don’t blame Fred for not renewing his commission.
LUCY: Bob and Arnold.
RICKY: Two… guys??
RICKY: We won’t be able to accept gay marriage until they land a man on the moon! Or Liberace gets married.
LUCY: Fred authorized the partnership. Whoops.
RICKY: So that’s the secret you weren’t good at keeping!
FRED AND ETHEL ENTER.
FRED: Who feels like playing gin rummy?
RICKY: Not me, Fred. I got a lot on my plate.
ETHEL: Fred never has a lot on his plate.
FRED: If you learned how to cook, maybe I would.
LUCY: Ethel, Ricky needs to find a power of attorney. Know anybody?
ETHEL: Uhhh… You mean drafted or notarized?
RICKY: Speaking of “drafted,” Fred, how will the notary know if the document was professionally drafted or drafted by a licensed attorney?
FRED: In fifty years, notaries will have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, as long as you signed it.
ETHEL: Lucy, you didn’t happen to open that big round thing on your face with lipstick again, did you?
LUCY: I’ll have you know these are the natural color of my lips.
ETHEL: You didn’t answer the question.
LUCY: See, I am good at keeping secrets!
LATER, AFTER THEY’VE HIRED AN ATTORNEY TO DRAFT THE DOCUMENT…
ATTORNEY: Very well, Mrs. Ricardo. Now you are attorney in fact. You can take this to any notary, get it notarized, and Mr. Ricardo’s contracts will be perfectly valid for both his manager and his agent.
RICKY: Now, Lucy, just because you’re an attorney in fact doesn’t mean I want you coming up with some hairbrained scheme to get into the show.
LUCY: Now why would you think that?
RICKY: Why wouldn’t I think that?
LUCY: As your attorney in fact, it wouldn’t be breaking the law if I…
LUCY: Okay, okay. Jeesh. What a grouch.
LATER, AFTER THEY’VE HIRED A NOTARY…
NOTARY: Have you your document and I.D. ready?
LUCY: Here’s my driver’s license.
RICKY: Anything wrong?
NOTARY: This can’t be your license. Under “hair color,” it says “red.”
LUCY: Well what’s wrong with that? It is red.
NOTARY: Do you swear under oath that’s you were born with that hair color?
AFTER RICKY LEAVES TOWN ON BUSINESS, LUCY ORDERS RICKY’S NEW BONGOS FROM A BEATNIK WHO THOUGHT SHE MEANT “BONGS”. THEN SHE ORDERED CUBAN CIGARS THAT TOOK SO LONG TO SHIP, BY THE TIME THEY ARRIVED, THEY WERE ILLEGAL. FINALLY SHE HIRED THE NEXT BEST THING TO HERSELF FOR THE SHOW… A LUCY LOOKALIKE. RICKY SPOTS THE LOOKALIKE… AND FIRES HER BEFORE HE CAN HEAR HOW GOOD SHE IS. THEN THE REAL LUCY TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.
LUCY: Need a replacement?
RICKY: Huh?! But… I thought that was you.
LUCY: You thought wrong. Lucky for me I can fit into her dress.
RICKY: Where are my bongos? What’s that pungent odor I smell coming from that beatnik over there?
TO BE CONTINUED