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September 30, 2016

Notary Jury Duty 2

The original dated January 6th ended up in a mistrial.

A group of Notaries was subpoened to be on the jury of a heavy duty murder case. The actual details of the murder were very peculiar though.

An actual Notary was hired to witness the murder. But, the Notary needed to reschedule the murder so it could be on the same date as the document which the Attorney needed another day to draft. So, the murderer said,

MURDERER: Okay, no problem, I can come back tomorrow. I’m available the whole day as a matter of fact. I’m good at killing time too as a matter of fact.

MURDER VICTIM: Gee, I’m not sure that tomorrow’s convenient for me. And by the way, you’re really killing my schedule by moving the murder to tomorrow.

NOTARY: My Attorney says the murder documents will be ready by 1pm.

MURDERER: Now, wait a second. If I’m going to commit a murder, wouldn’t it be better if there were no witnesses?

NOTARY: Well, technically yes, but since being a witness is an integral part of my profession, I’d kind of prefer to be involved in watching the prodeedings.

MURDER VICTIM: You know, I’d be a whole lot more comfortable with that too. Considering that after the fact, there would be some testimony on my behalf.

MURDERER: After the fact? There ain’t after the fact, at least not for you’s.

During Jury Selection
The prosecuting Attorney originally wanted to remove any Notaries from the Jury due to the fact that they might be biased for the Notary — or against the Notary since the Notary made some technical mistakes. But, then he changed his mind as only a Notary would be familiar enough with the circumstances of the crime to be a good juror. So, he and the defending Attorney both agreed to pick only Notaries in the jury.

In the actual murder, the murderer signed a pre-confession affidavit in front of the Notary admitting to being about to kill the victim. The victim also signed and dated the form using his own blood in a fountain pen. Fortunately, the victim showed in a timely manner for the murder, otherwise the murder date would not have coincided with the date of the freshly drafted document. Since the victim was chained to the toilet in the bathroom, so he had no choice other than to be on time. The Notary found it suitable for the victim to be chained to the toilet as the victim was a “regular” client.

The murderer, however, used a fake ID during the signing and did not thumbprint the journal, and then proceeded to murder the victim as well as the Notary. That’ll teach him to notarize at murders! Since the documents had fake names on them, the only way to identify the murderer was with DNA samples.

Trial Introduction
The judge informed the Notaries that it would be a 17 day trial involving professional witnesses, DNA experts, and neighbors who were witnesses as well as a clairvoyant who would interview the deceased Notary who was the primary witness even though that evidence was not admissable in court. The Notaries asked if they could have walk-in clients come during the trial so they could make a little extra money above and beyond the 31 cents per mile travel allowance. The judge said yes if he got 50% of the proceeds.

The Trial
The trial ended because another Notary waiting by the door. Aparantly the signing company double booked the appointment, and Notary #2 was just waiting by the door and heard everything. Additionally, Notary #2 saw the murderer come down the stairs and out the door with blood on his hands and was able to positively identify the perpetrator. So, the trial ended after 8 days due to this Notarial witness who appeared out of nowhere.

The Ending
Although the Notaries all agreed that the murderer was guilty, the murderer became a huge celebrity and posts about him went viral. Suddenly everybody in America wanted his autograph. But, did the autograph need to be notarized?

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September 23, 2016

The Seal Fixer

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 11:00 pm

The Seal Fixer is/was a Notary who went back into time to fix what was wrong and make it right — at least as far as notarizations are concerned. Our Seal Fixer’s first assignment was to go back to ancient Rome to fix a botched notarization. The Notary apparently botched a sales contract for half a million bushels of olives which affected the entire empire. So the Seal Fixer got into his time machine set it for the correct year and GPS coordinates and arrived in ancient Rome.

The Roman Notary was going to affix his seal, but our American hero blurted out, “No!!! You wrote the wrong date!” The Roman Notary retorted, “Hey, those are Roman numerals buddy, they might look funny to you guys.” The Notary said, “No, listen you’s guys, even though it looks wrong, it’s STILL ain’t right, capiche?” The Roman took a closer look and realized that one of his V’s was supposed to be an X and thanked our American friend and then said, “Fugetabout it!” Then the American told him to use his seal a little more carefully as not to smudge the document like it came out originally before the time travel. All went well. The Notary patted himself on the back, walked out of the building and was attacked by a wall of water. A local aqueduct had burst and there was water everywhere. Fortunately, the contract signed was on the second floor of a building, so it didn’t get soiled. The Notary eventually freed himself from the river of water and got back to his landing pad to go back to the present.

Our Notary friend’s next job was much more serious. The Notary was assigned to notarize the declaration of independence had gotten drunk on colonial ale the night before and was badly hung over. He would botch the notarization if nobody intervened. So, our American Notary friend set the time dial to 1776 and set the GPS coordinates to Philadelphia. The Notary assigned for the job lived over the river in New Jersey and didn’t find out until the last minute that he couldn’t use his seal to notarize out of his colony. The next problem is that not all of the signers signed on July 2nd. Some signed on the 3rd. Anyway, The Seal Fixer found another Notary who could get the job done correctly and didn’t mind going back a second time. But, the Notary put up quite a fuss and wanted to know when he would get paid?

“We’ll cut a check out the minute the declaration funds.” was the answer.

In any case, our Seal Fixing friend decided to lighten the mood and crack a joke.

SEAL FIXER: Hey guys, do you like jokes?

COLONIAL GUYS: Sure, why not.

SEAL FIXER: So, anyway, this is a great crowd. In any case, I’m from the future… Or the present I guess, but the future from your point of view. I came here in my time machine.

COLONIAL GUYS: We’ve never heard of such a thing as a time machine. But, we can tell by your clothes that you are a futuristic being of some sort.

SEAL FIXER: Anyway. I was standing outside of my house and then walked into my huge backyard which is more of a meadow than anything else. Then all of a sudden this huge flying object came out of the air. It was so futuristic,that even by my standards it was futuristic. It was a circular flying craft and it landed in the meadow. Then some little green men from another planet got out. I asked, “Are you going to abduct me?” They replied, “NO, but can you LIKE US ON FACEBOOK? So, what did you think of this joke?

COLONIAL GUY: They joke was good, but your timing was off.

2nd COLONIAL GUY: Yes, about 240 years off if you counted them.

3rd COLONIAL GUY: What is this thing Facebook you speak of. Is it like town hall in any way?

SEAL FIXER: It is probably the closest equivalent. Just think of it like town hall with everyone in the world connected to it on a futuristic device where you can see their photos and comments.

COLONIAL GUY: Wow, that sounds like fun.

2nd COLONIAL GUY: I bet the Tories would like it. Burn him at the stake!!!

3rd COLONIAL GUY: Run!!!!

So, our seal fixing friend ran for his life as he was mistaken for a futuristic Tory by an antiquated Whig. He ran for his time machine and got away just in the nick of time. Our Seal Fixer’s only regret was that he didn’t have time to bring back an authentic colonial Notary Seal as a souvenir. Oh well, maybe next time once those Whigs calm themselves down.

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August 30, 2016

Self Notarization Landmine

Self Notarization Landmine

I’m referring to the form where you are the only person signing. Ignoring the fact that the form asks you to notarize your own statement, what it says can haunt you later. Yes, I know; you feel the statements are the absolute truth. What harm can it do? It’s not a filed document, nobody will ever see it *except* when it’s not truthful. Then can land on you like a ton of lawsuits.

Typically it has a venue, a statement (more on that later), and a place for Notary Public signature, stamp and commission number / expiration date. Sure seems like a “notary” act. But, as I said; let’s just ignore the illegality and get to the possible later grief.

I, the above described Notary Public, hereby certify that I have checked the identification of those parties who have signed before me and I have attached copies of their driver’s license(s) or other picture identification. I have verified them to be the same parties as those described in the instructions acknowledged by me. Witness my hand and official seal ……………

Lawyers love ambiguous verbiage. Here the two key words are “checked” and “verified”. Really? Just how did you do that? Are you trained in spotting a forgery? I’m not referring to a mess made on a copier. The “bad ones” just Google “fake driver license from china” and order from the site that rhymes with snowflake. I looked at their site – it scared me. For about a hundred dollars one can get a VERY good fake driver license from any state. Perhaps a police officer with real time access to police information can determine the serial number is not appropriate for the issue date or the birthdate on the document. But can you? I certainly cannot.

Thus, how can I make a statement that I certify and verify the identities? I know that is what notaries do – “check ID” – but there is a limit to our ability to detect forgeries. Some states have a specific “proof” list – the only items that can be used by the notary. Here in NY, it’s a bit fuzzy, the law requires the notary view “adequate proof” – seemingly a lower standard than verified.

I have followed articles and reviews of the “snowflake” – they have the technology to fool anybody who does not have police type access to driver license databases. It would easily pass my visual inspection. There are forgery detection manuals that go over “hidden” aspects of the various state issued licenses. I’m sure “snowflake” has a copy!

So, there is a good chance that, over the years; I have notarized by accepting a forgery. To me it was “adequate proof”; to you it was on “the list”. So where are we now? Well, I feel I followed my states laws, and so did you. The real issue is making a statement often entitled “Positive Proof Identification and Notary Signature Affidavit” that goes beyond my state requirements.

Recall the Miranda warning “anything you say can a will be used against you in a court of law”. The same admonition must apply even more strongly to things that you sign and “notarize”. I just return these forms untouched, with the exception of attaching a business card.


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August 18, 2016

Notarization at a liquor store

It was a cold, dark evening and the Notary was called in to do a signing at the Notary liquor store

MANAGER: So what’ll it be pal?

NOTARY: Oh no, I was called here to do a notarization.

MANAGER: Oh, you’ll need to talk to Tony. Hey Tony!!!

TONY: Oh, you must be the Notary. Yes, I need you to notarize this paper for me. I’ll be right back.

NOTARY: Boy, I’m so sleepy. (snooze…)

The Notary Public fell asleep in a chair after staring at all the bottles in the store and had a wild dream. There were a few bottles in front of him that came to life and started having a conversation with him.

JACK: I need a Notary. My name is Jack Daniels. Can you notarize me?

NOTARY: Sure, if you let me have a ride on your bike.

JACK: Sorry pal, we have rules here. You have to wear a black t-shirt and a leather vest to ride with the gang.

NOTARY: Okay, no notarization for you.

STELLA: Hi, I’m Stella from Belgium and this is my boyfriend Boris — Boris Stolichnaya. I know what you’re thinking, but he’s straight, although he’s not really that neat. Our relationship is on the rocks right now and he’s a bit shaken up which is good because he hasn’t stirred — or been stirred in a while.

JIM: Hey buddy, I need a Notary.

NOTARY: Can I see some ID?

JIM: Right here.. It says Jim Beam. And yes, I’m over 21.

NOTARY: Beam me up Scotty. Okay, I’ll get my Acknowledgment forms. Where is the document?

JIM: It’s not a document, it’s a case of bottles we’re loading into the truck.

CAPTAIN: Arrr laddie. Me needs a notarization, and fast. Me ship is stranded out at sea, and before someone else claims it, the local government will help me if I can only get this signed.

NOTARY: I’d shake on it, but your hook may cause us to be blood brothers against my will.
Let’s take a look at your ID. Jack Morgan.

CAPTAIN: That’s CAPTAIN Jack — CAPTAIN Jack Morgan — arrrrrr!

NOTARY: I can only notarize you if you are sober, have a low BAC, and are in a good state of mind.

CAPTAIN: I’m in as good a state of mind as I’ll ever be. Maye I wouldn’t have crashed into the rocks if I had been sober though. But, I’m only sober for a few hours on the lords day atoning for me multitudes of sins such as rape, pilage, plunder, embezzlement, fraud, murder, maiming, torture, kidnapping, forgery, racketeering, and operating a sailed vehicle under the influence lad.

NOTARY: Wow, that’s quite a list. Terrible sins aside, thanks for making me feel young by calling me “lad.” You must spend a lot of time atoning. Anyway, I can only notarize you as Jack Morgan, not ….

CAPTAIN: That’s CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN Jack Morgan to you lad. And by the way, I neet a sail document notarized. I’m having a sale of a sail that’s too slow and moves at the speed of a snail, lad…”

HARPER LEE: This line is moving at the speed of a snail. Tequila, please.

NOTARY: Tequila Mockingbird?

HARPER LEE: Like me to sign a copy of the book?

NOTARY: I do all the signing around here, ma’am.

DEAN MARTIN: Hey, what should I take for a hangover?

NOTARY: If you’re driving, don’t take the wheel!

DEAN MARTIN: Look pal, I’m not drunk. I’m just planning ahead.

NOTARY: Do you affirm under penalty of perjury that you’re not drunk?

DEAN MARTIN: “I do.” We didn’t just marry each other then, did we?

NOTARY: There are only three states that allow notaries to perform weddings. Florida, Maine or South Carolina.

DEAN MARTIN: Good. Since you’re seeing me and other dead people, you’re only in a state of delirium.

The Notary wakes up and is handed a document.

TONY: Wakee wakee. Did you enjoy your snooze?

NOTARY: I had this amazing dream about pirate ships, and the author of To Kill a Mockingbird, and Dean Martin, and talking bottles. So, what is the document about?

TONY: You’ll never guess. I need you to notarize an Affidavit regarding 20 cases of Captain Morgan.

NOTARY: That’s CAPTAIN — CAPTAIN Jack Morgan to you lad.

TONY: Well shiver me timbers. Here’s my ID lad.

NOTARY: Tony Daniels. No relation to Jack, right? Anyway. Sign my journal & the document please… Swear under Oath.. (stamp) Your notarization is complete.

TONY: Thanks — (Tony sticks out his hand to shake the Notary’s hand, but there is only a hook where his hand should be.)

NOTARY: Time to give the guy who wrote this the hook.


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August 12, 2016

How to make serious money notarizing Russian Mafia

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 10:33 pm

Normally, I try to stay away from non-criminals as they rarely have the cash to pay me well. The way I look at it, an unsuccessful criminal will wind up dead or in jail. But, one who is neither unsuccessful nor in jail will have some serious cash.

NICOLAI: Hey, Jeremy, we need you to notarize deal for us.

ME: Great. What is the document name?

NICOLAI: We don’t have name for document yet. You think of name.

ME: Well, what is the document about?

NICOLAI: We don’t have document either.

ME: Some criminal you are! You give criminals a bad name.

NICOLAI: That’s the point, isn’t it? Don’t joke. I am good at what I do.

ME: Well, why don’t you write one up?

NICOLAI: That is part of problem. I cannot read or write. Part of reason I was forced to become criminal. Nobody would hire me except as busboy, and I have tendency to break dishes — and bones, not necessarily in that order.

ME: I see. So, should I draft this one for you? I’m not an attorney, and cannot write legal documents.

NICOLAI: Oh could you? That would be wonderful. But, I am hungry. I have bite. This is called Moscow Fried Chicken. It’s finger breaking good.

ME: Must be a hit with your friends.

NICOLAI: More of a break than a hit, but still popular. I listen with some Shostakovich. Classical Russian music. Very dissonant. That’s why I like it. I remember taking music lessons as kid practicing Shostakovich. My teacher would always say, “No, even though it sounds wrong, it’s still not right.”

ME: I can relate. When I receive inaccurate ID that sounds wrong, it’s still not right. Okay, I’ll write something up. Contract for the sale of 12 Russian Military SVD sniper rifles.

NICOLAI: Maybe we call it something else on title so if journal gets audited we don’t all end up in jail.

ME: You’re the one ending up in jail buddy, not me. I play it straight around here.

NICOLAI: We call it 12 girl scout cookie arrangement.

ME: Perfect. But, we ain’t exactly selling no girl scout cookies here, you know? I’ll stamp it with my semi-automatic Notary seal. Sign here.

NICOLAI: Yes, that gets me to my second point. Which of my fake ID’s should I use for the transaction?

ME: Neither. I’m fingerprinting you and you’re using your real ID. It shouldn’t be a problem. After all, you’re just selling girl scout cookies.

BORIS: He knows too much — BANG!

ME: I don’t know anything except the nonsense he told me.

BORIS: Never mind. He is dead, not you. Do you notarize coffin contracts?

ME: Yes, and we can use the name girl scout boxes in the title of the document. That is what I suggest.

BORIS: You are my kind of guy.

ME: Is the coffin for Nicolai?

BORIS: No, it is for you!

ME: Uh-oh!

BORIS: No, of course it isn’t for you. I wouldn’t waste a coffin on you. You flatter yourself.

ME: So you let me live?

BORIS: This time! (wink– wink!)


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August 10, 2016

If you can notarize here, you can notarize anywhere

The Notary profession in New York City is so competitive, few can survive at all. Or is it the other way around? To compete with Ken who has about four million positive reviews, you would have to be Superman, and have been Superman for the last ten years to have a chance to compete with him. We have some of the smartest Notaries in the country in New York for some reason. I guess NYC attracts the best and the brightest. Detroit also attracts some of the best — I can’t figure that one out (hmmm.) The city that does wost on our algorithm nationwide is our nation’s capitol — how ironic!

But, on a brighter note, some of our listings far down the list “Find a Notary in Manhattan” get tons of clicks. We have a few UPS stores that are getting seven clicks a day or so while similar businesses in other cities average about 1.5 clicks per day. What do all these numbers mean? NYC is a very populated city and is also a county. During the day there might be about 7 million people there. Additionally, since so many of those people are there to get high level business done, they need more Notaries than any other city or county in the nation. Our Los Angeles page only represents about 3 million folks which is less than half of what NYC represents. Miami-Dade only has 2.6 million. So, it kind of makes sense that the New Yorkers lead the pack in clicks on 123notary.

But, if you want to learn from the best, we have great Notaries everywhere, but the average caliber of Notary in NYC is far above the rest. If only all Notaries could learn from them. But, you can! Just read our blog! Ken, our in-house talented blog writer writes a piece (an unconcealed piece) every week, so you can learn from the best just by visiting our blog!

But, one of our clients in New York City saw a naked man wearing only a cardboard Notary Seal was walking down the street screaming — If you can notarize here, you can notarize anywhere!!!

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March 1, 2016

State of the Notary Industry Union Address

My fellow American Notaries,
We are living through an extraordinary moment in Notarial history. Technological and social change is reshaping the way we notarize, advertise, drive, and our place in the NotaryVerse. But, as Americans, we’ve been through big changes before in generations past.

Notary jobs no longer pay what they used to pay. American Notaries used to make an easy $125 per signing if they had experience. Now, Notaries are being offered less and less. Instead of weeding out the less qualified Notaries, this price gauging has weeded out the most qualified and desirable service providers in the industry. Despite the problems in the Notary industry, American Notaries are paid considerably more than their equivalents in China, France, India, and other countries where mobile Notaries (and rickshaws) are used. In fact, Notary wages in China are so low, that many Notaries there have to sell fake ID’s just to make ends meet.

The advent of Snapdocs, the Uber of the Notary industry has also contributed to the downward trend in Notary fees, but an upward trend in technology that facilitates the act of hiring and scheduling a Notary. Now with the click of a few buttons, a signing or title company can broadcast a message (commonly referred to as a cattle call) to dozens of Notaries and find one who will take the job.

I would like to take things a step forward and cut taxes for Notaries and their families. I believe that Notaries are working too hard already, and should be rewarded by paying a fair tax.

Additionally, I’ve called on congress to raise the minimum wage for newer Notaries to $63 per signing, plus 11.3 cents per page for eDocuments as well as a 75 cent per nautical mile minimum travel fee, plus a nationwide ban on fax-backs. If you look at what the average service provider in this industry makes — call him “Joe, the Notary,” it is well below what Notaries of your parents’ generation used to make and it just isn’t fair. Notaries work hard, and deserve a fair wage and deserve to not be micromanaged — unless they are brand new in the field or make mistakes.

I want to make admission to Notary college more affordable. Spotting fake ID’s from China 101 is a course every American Notary should take. If Notaries had this knowledge it would make America a better place and the world a better place (unless you work in a fake ID producing sweatshop in Shanghai.)

Unfortunately, as far as the quantity of jobs being offered in the 1st quarter of 2016, it is the worst I’ve seen. However, 123notary is getting roughly the same traffic it did at this time in 2015. The important thing here is for American Notaries to keep the faith and understand that every cycle has ups and downs. What is critical is to keep developing your skill sets, to keep developing your client base, and to buy a higher spot on 123notary!

For all challenges we face, the truth is that no country on Earth is better equipped to handle the future of Notary work than the United States. If we can deal with this temporary and acute shortage of Notary signings, there is nothing that American Notaries can’t do!


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January 29, 2016

Pastor Notary – can you Pastorize a document?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 1:08 pm

We have many Notaries on 123notary who are members of the clergy. I always wonder when we will get a good Rabbi who can specialize in Kosher notarizations. But, I don’t think that the laws of Judaism discuss notarial acts just as long as you don’t notarize false gods or golden bulls. But, we have many Christians clergymen who are in the Notary business. The preform marriages, and do general Notary work as well.

One borrower found it nice to have a member of the clergy at his signing. He had been waiting his entire life to say something to a clergyman during a signing. “Forgive me father, for I have rescinded!”

But, my question (sorry to sound tongue and cheek) is if these religious types only notarize documents, or can they Pastorize a document as well? And if so, what would the Pastorization process be like. Would they plant some grass on the document to make it more like a pasture? Add a few cows? Or cook it briefly to kill the germs. I guess the world will never know. But, if you ever come across a Pastor Notary, as him/her/them and relay what you learned to us over here at 123notary. We’re dying to know.


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December 30, 2015

Notarize JUST the Name

Notarize JUST the Name
We are all familiar with the two most common notary actions. The Jurat: “Sworn to and Subscribed…….”, and the Acknowledgement: “This instrument was Acknowledged before me…..”. I’m not going to cover the not so subtle differences between the two of them. What will be discussed is the expansion of the notary statement to include virtually anything.

I just shipped off an Edoc. I had to redact (no changes were made, no replacement text, just a thin line thru with my initials at the end of the line) some superfluous verbiage. Before I get into the details let me credit the source of “my” opinions. The office of the New York County Clerk has told me, quite strongly: “You notarize just the name as proven on the ID, nothing more”. What they are referring to are what I call “name attributes” and there are many. Not to be confused with name components (Jr. Sr. III, etc.) which were on the birth certificate. Name attributes, and there are many include: MD, PhD, DDS, etc.

Those name attributes are rarely a problem and they are usually not added to the name in the notary section. What is a problem are what I will call “name descriptors”, and they are becoming a growing problem. A Jurat in the edoc included “a resident of ”. How would I know where the person signing resides? It’s not for me to say (I know, that’s a song title too). This was in the (usually) simple Sample Signature document. Why? I can’t figure out any rationale for inclusion of residency information on that document.

The same package included, after the name, the phrase “a capable person”. Capable of what? Such a phrase could keep lawyers in discussion forever. This particular bit of foolishness was on the AKA statement. Of course no discussion of name descriptors would be complete with mention of the classic and most common one: the marital status. Before me appeared Suzy Snowflake, a single woman. Says who? Suzy of course. So why is it in MY statement? If Ms Snowflake wishes to make a statement that she is not married, I would be happy to notarize it. But, I certainly will not include her marital status in my statement.

Even if I were to be absolutely sure of her marital status it is improper for me to include it in my statement. But, one cannot prove their marital status – it’s impossible; think about it. The problem stems from some shoddy computer programming taking the “vesting name” from the mortgage (where marital status makes sense) and propagating it into other areas.

I have discussed the issue of name descriptors many times with foggy headed drones who feel that because it is preprinted I must live with it. Not so. The notary section IS the statement of the Notary Public and IS subject to change and or deletion. My licensing officials don’t allow it, and I am certainly not able to state someone is capable, married or where they reside. Sometimes it’s a tough judgment call. If the descriptor is “of legal age” I would have to know exactly where that phrase is applied. If they are under 21, it “might” matter in some states; and could also be document specific.

We want to process the document with little conflict, as raising “issues” often sours the client. To me it’s better to lose a client than receive a summons; and become a party to litigation. As a public official my words have, “authority”; and with that comes responsibility for accuracy.


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December 11, 2015

The Lonely Italian — parady in a Notary context

I just met a very charismatic waiter from a restaurant up in the hills of Beverly Glen. He was so interesting and full of energy! But, he told me about what he does when he is not waiting on tables. He creates movies! I guess this is Los Angeles, what do you expect? Everyone here who works at a cafe or restaurant either directs, produces, acts, or dies trying. But, his movie was very interesting.

The movie was about an Italian guy who moves to the U.S. in his early twenties. He goes on every single dating site that exists and dates 150 women. It is a pseudo-documentary — part based on his real life, plus a substantial amount of embellishments. I like the part where he wears a Rabbi outfit and dates a girl from a Jewish dating site. He sprinkles a little Kosher salt on his food and says, “I’m adding a little Kosher!” He dated a girl from Farmen’s only, Cupid,, and even a site for people with fetishes. Online dating is so popular these days, yet I’ve never seen a movie about it — especially not a movie like this.

So, I asked him if he could learn Chinese and show a clip of him dating a Chinese girl while speaking Chinese with all of the Italian hand gestures. That would be a sight to see. We talked for almost an hour. But, at the end of our talk, there was just one more thing that I needed to ask him.

Can you modify your movie just a little bit? I have two dating sites for Notaries — and you could date some of the women from these sites. One is called Jurat and the other is called Affiant. We were going to start NotaryMatch too, but the programming bills got too out of hand. I wonder what the script would be like.

NOTARY: So, it is so fun to date you. You are so interesting.

LONELY ITALIAN: Yes, I like to broaden my horizons-a here. Just to make the date more interesting. I brought-a the document. Can you show me your particular style of notarizing it?

NOTARY: Oh, well I don’t notarize off hours. I don’t have my equipment with me.

LONELY ITALIAN: Oh, you use-a equipment? That sounds-a so interesting.

NOTARY: Well, I left it in my car.

LONELY ITALIAN: Well, let’s-a go back and-a get it. I like-a to see what a woman is really about on the first date. No secrets.

NOTARY: Okay… well here it is. Let’s find a table.

LONELY ITALIAN: Okay, let’s notarize-a sitting-a right-a here. But, one-a more-a question. Is it-a possible to use that Notary equipment and-a procedure — you know, in a romantic way?

NOTARY: What??????? This is too much! I’ll have to think about that… (pause) Okay. I thought about it. And the answer is — NOT ON THE FIRST DATE!

LONELY ITALIAN: One more question. Can-a we backdate?

NOTARY: Ha ha ha. You are funny. You are too cute, that is why I’m letting you get away with all of your premature suggestions.

LONELY ITALIAN: Hey. If you can’t be mature, you can be premature — it’s the next-a best-a thing!

(two hours later)

NOTARY: That was the best conversation of my life. You are a very interesting guy. And yes, we can go out on a second date. But, that date will be at Cafe Jurat. A restaurant exclusively for Notaries. That way you’ll see what our people eat.

LONELY ITALIAN: Is that the place where you have-a certified Angus beef, embossed oreo cookies, and-a you notarized the stamp on the parking validation?

NOTARY: Very good! You have definitely been reading up on the ways of our people. See you next Friday. Don’t be late otherwise I’ll have to change the date & time section in my journal.



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Notary Italian Restaurant

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