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February 19, 2016

The 2016 Notary Public Debate

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 9:34 am

MODERATOR: Welcome to the 2016 Notary Public Debate. The top potential candidates are represented tonight, who also happen to be the top Republican candidates running for President. First, welcome Donald Trump.

DONALD: We never win anymore. I want to make Notaries great again. 123, I’ll make them great again. And by the way, 123Notary.com is fantastic. They love me. I’m gonna build a firewall. And I’m gonna make Mexico pay for it. And by the way, I was gonna just say “wall” instead of “firewall,” but if I can’t add the word, “fire,” as in “You’re fired,” who can? Anybody who illegally signs a document will have to leave the country. I don’t care if they were born here. They’ll still have to leave.

MODERATOR: Dr. Carson?

BEN CARSON: As a neurosurgeon, I’ve had lots of experience signing things. Prescriptions that nobody can read. Death certificates, but let’s not talk about that. And I’m great with civil actions, because my gentle demeanor sounds so civil. Except for that time when I was a kid and tried to stab somebody before his belt buckle got in the way.

MODERATOR: Senator Cruz, your response?

TED CRUZ: I’d be happy to take “a stab” at it. The American people deserve a Notary who knows how to protect the American people. Who understands the contents of a document. Who’s aware of the consequences of executing the document by signing it. And I’ll execute anything that gets in my way, like ISIS, as long as they show me their ISIS I.D. And I promise you that on day one, I will make sure that no signer was coerced into signing a document, just coerced into hearing me drone on like I’ve been doing here tonight.

MODERATOR: Senator Rubio?

MARCO RUBIO: I’m young. It’s time to turn the page. It’s time to sign the page according to the conditions and terms of the document. It’s time to remind people for the 400,000th time that I’m an immigrant. My parents were immigrants. They didn’t have notaries in Cuba. They came to this country, to seek out a better signature. If I’m your Notary, I’ll promise you that I’ll be there for all the tough decisions. Like when to use “certified copy” and when to use “attested copy”. Those are two different things.

DONALD TRUMP: Inspirational, Marco. No wonder I’m killing you in the polls.

MODERATOR: Governor Bush?

JEB BUSH: There’s a reason there’s an exclamation point after “Jeb” on my campaign literature. It’s because I’m exciting enough to be a Notary. Look, we need a Notary who gets things done. And Trump isn’t a serious candidate. You can’t make people who were born here leave.

DONALD TRUMP: Watch me. Leave, that is. You’re so boring, I’m about to.

JEB BUSH: I know the name of a document that modifies the terms of a will. Do you, Donald?

DONALD TRUMP: I’ll hire the best people who’ll tell me all that. That’s what I do. I build. Buildings. Teams. I’ve got high energy.

JEB BUSH: It’s “codicil”.

DONALD TRUMP: Poor Jeb. His energy is so low, he should be charged with malfeasance just for pretending to have a personality. “Malfeasance.” Look it up.

MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, it’s not your turn.

DONALD TRUMP: The American people disagree with you. Look at the polls.

MODERATOR: Governor Christy?

CHRIS CHRISTY: Everyone on this stage talk a good game. But I walk the walk.

DONALD TRUMP: You mean “waddle.”

MODERATOR: Mr. Trump!

CHRIS CHRISTY: As a governor, I make executive decisions. And I was a prosecuting attorney. I understand the law behind coercion and making somebody sign a document against their will.

DONALD TRUMP: What about closing a bridge against the people’s will?

CHRIS CHRISTY: What about that roadkill on your head? If I were you, I’d prosecute your barber.

MODERATOR: Ms. Fiorina?

CARLY FIORINA: I’m the only one here who headed up a major corporation like Hewlett Packard. When they fired me, they gave me a golden parachute, and I’ve been signing checks ever since. My checks. And I can bring that experience signing things to my role as a Notary Public. Plus I’m a woman. My life expectancy is longer than men, so I’ll be alive long enough to renew my seal.

DONALD TRUMP: My life expectancy just got longer. Or maybe it’s just that my life seems like it’s dragging on forever as I listen to Carly flap her gums.

MODERATOR: Senator Paul?

RAND PAUL: I’m the only credible conservative on the panel. Which makes me the only credible credible witness. I am uniquely equipped to positively identify a signer who lacks satisfactory identification documents. Like… you, Cruz.

TED CRUZ: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

RAND PAUL: You were born in Canada.

TED CRUZ: I think you’re out of bounds, Rand.

RAND PAUL: Don’t you mean “oot” of bounds?

MODERATOR: Governor Kasich?

JOHN KASICH: Look, people. We’re talking about running for Notary Public here. It’s not about arguing with each other! It’s about finding and nurturing the best Notary Publics on 123notary.com!

JEB BUSH: Say what you will about my brother. But I’m proud of this… 123 – he can count that high.

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1 Comment »

  1. LOL. I would like to suggest a “like” button on the clever articles or perhaps a thumbs up/down to click on after reading. 🙂

    Comment by Karla — March 8, 2016 @ 10:16 pm

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