ANNOUNCER: Next in the tank is an invention that can help busy time-strapped and soon to be clean executives get notarized in the shower so that they can save time.
FRANK: Greetings, contestants. I am Frank and I’m asking for $500,000 for 10% of my company called Shower Power Notarizations. How many times have you taken a shower and thought, man, I wish I could be multi-tasking while I were here. I wish I could get my such and such notarized. Well now you can, with my brand new Notary in a Tub business model, Shower Power Notarizations — “All the more shower to you.”
At Shower Power Notarizations, we are a service, with specialized dispatching of Notaries, and special patented waterproof Notary seals, documents, pens, and clothing, so that we can shower the executives of the nation with outstanding services while they are in the shower. We cater to the highest ethical standards. But, we do recommend to our clients who engage in fraud to start practicing now — the art of not dropping the soap. We also do jail notarizations, because we want a 10 years to life relationship with our clients, even if they are not the most ethical.
Mr. WONDERFUL: You’re telling me that I have to pay you half a million dollars for the insane hope that someday I make my money back on an invention that allows perverts who watch me take a shower and ask me to sign something afterwards?
FRANK: Well the perverts don’t watch you take a shower, they watch the executives take a shower, and normally the signing happens behind a curtain so that the Notary doesn’t see the signers’ other pen (if you know what I mean). And if it makes you feel any better, we throw in a free rubber ducky with every signing.
ROBERT: So, can I try your invention?
FRANK: Sure, just get into these swimming trunks and hop in. Here’s your notarized document.
ROBERT: I don’t wear trunks when I shower.
MARK CUBAN: Quick, activate the pixelation.
FRANK: Okay, I’m handing you the waterproof Notary journal. Sign here. In our state, they require wet signatures anyway.
ROBERT: Okay, I’m signing the journal and I already signed the document. That’s okay right? By the way, am I signing my life away with that document?
FRANK: No, it’s an affidavit saying that you like Donald Duck.
ROBERT: Well, just as long as it’s not Donald Trump.
FRANK: Okay, I’m stamping the document… Done!!! One minute and forty-three seconds. How is that for saving time in your executive life? Here is your complimentary rubber ducky with our company branding on it.
ROBERT: I’ll let you clean my body, but you’re not going to clean out my bank account. I’m out.
Mr. WONDERFUL: Deactivate the pixelation!
MARK CUBAN: If we buy 10%, could you throw in a few rubber duckies to sweeten the deal? Strike that. Your invention is all wet, in more ways than one. I’m out.
LAURI: I’m sorry to say this, but this is a rare incident where I would have to say — The Notary is a Quack. I call them when they’re zeros, and I call them when they’re heroes. And this one is a hero!
BARBARA: Are you nuts?
LAURI: I could sell this on QVC. We can demonstrate it with you in the shower. But, I’m going to need a lot more equity. 10% doesn’t get me excited.
Mr. WONDERFUL: What about watching Frank naked in a tub? Would that get you more excited?
LAURI: More excited than looking at your naked head.
ROBERT: How are your sales?
FRANK: Year to date, we have been flooded with orders and none of our overhead went down the drain. We grossed four million our first year. You cannot underestimate the severe time depravity and time poverty of executives. Saving them even one minute will make their day. These people all have assistants that make more than $100,000 per year by their side who will vouch for that fact. We sell to people who have more money than time with a very specialized service with a very high profit margin and strong popularity. Don’t throw cold water on us just yet.
LAURI: I’m going to make you an offer, Frank. But, I want a lot more equity. I’ll give you the $500,000, but I want 50% of your business.
ROBERT: Shazam!!! She’s really throwing out the baby with the bathwater, Frank.
Mr. WONDERFUL: This is the biggest nothing burger I ever saw. You should take it back behind the barn and shoot it.
FRANK: You don’t have to get all in a lather about it.
Mr. WONDERFUL: I’m out.
FRANK: Okay, 50% is a little steep.
LAURI: Do you have a counter?
FRANK: I stick to bathrooms not kitchens, so I don’t have much of a counter. But, how about 25%.
LAURI: No, I have to stay at 50, it’s going to be a lot of work getting this out there.
FRANK: I don’t like your conditioner… I mean conditions. I’m out.
LAURI: You can’t be out, only we can say I’m out.
FRANK: This whole experience has left me feeling dirty. I’m going home to take a shower.
.
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Black Notaries vs. White Notaries — comedy edition
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Man, what’s the difference between white Notaries and black Notaries? I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a Notary until I was 19 and had to get a car title notarized. That was six months after I found out that isn’t is another way of saying ain’t. I would just assume that a bruthah would sign more smoothly than a white Notary.
CHRIS ROCK: In an ideal world, a white Notary would witness signatures, but a black Notary would have a body camera to make sure of what he witnessed.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: You’re making the Notary sound like the Dallas Police force. If I were a black Notary, I’d be more worried about being pulled over by the police. “Registration and Notary seal please, you know the drill.”
CHRIS ROCK: Yeah, but if Notaries were really like police, at loan signings, they would say, “Now reach for your ID, nice and slow — no sudden movements.” while they had the borrowers at gunpoint. I can’t imagine a signing like that — unless it happened in Detroit.
JERRY SEINFELD: And if you did a signing by X, if you knew who the signer had been seeing while married to his ex, then you’d know why she became an ex.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: I don’t think that signing by x is exactly like that, but I’m digging the way you think.
CHRIS ROCK: And by the way — black Notary lives matter, especially if they’re listed on 123notary.
JERRY SEINFELD: But, if you’re signing with an X, you didn’t come from the greatest school, unless you’re Malcolm X.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: With my luck, the minute I became commissioned as a Notary and got in my vehicle, within minutes of leaving the county clerk after taking my Oath, I’d probably get my ass pulled over by the Notary Police — but, for what I don’t know.
POLICE: Do you know how fast you were signing, son? Can I see your Notary Seal Please?
EDDIE GRIFFIN: I just got my Notary commission, I haven’t even used it yet. How come you didn’t pull that white Notary over?
POLICE: We don’t judge a Notary by the color of his ink, but by the content of his character.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, you’re a character all right.
POLICE: And by the way, the paper might always be white, but the ink is always black which in my opinion kind of evens the score.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, some things ain’t never gonna change.
POLICE: We just wanted to make sure you weren’t notarizing by text and driving at the same time. Just a routine check.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, stoppin’ brothers. What could be more routine than that?
JERRY SEINFELD: So, what’s the deal with white Notaries?
CHRIS ROCK: Isn’t that redundant? That’s even whiter than Conan O’Brien’s non-tan lines.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Man, what is it with white Notaries, ya know what I’m saying? I bet a white Notary would go to a signing in his nice family SUV, and he would park on the street just to be polite. And then he would knock on the door being exactly on time and say, “Hi, my name is Mike — I’m white, and I’m happy and I’ll be your Notary today.” I don’t want to white-wash this, but that’s how I see it.
CONAN O’BRIEN: Yeah, I bet if it were a black Notary he would say, “Hi, I’m Jermaine, and I’m the Notary with the smooth conversation. Check out this alligator skin briefcase. And you’d never believe the story behind it. I was down the street at my brother’s house and his kids were playing in the back yard. Then an alligator came out of nowhere — we live in Florida by the way. I rushed out at ninja speed to get those kids out the yard and got there just in time before that gator damn near bit my nephew’s arm off. Then, I drove home a block away and came back with my samurai sword. I bought it in Tokyo during a vacation and had it shipped to me as a decorative piece. I never dreamed that antique sword from the Mei-Jin period that was used by the great Zatoichi would ever be used again for practical purposes. So, I ran into the backyard with my samurai sword and said — hayyyyyaaa!!!! And I done chopped the gator’s jowels off. I sold the meat to a local taco place and had my neighbor make a briefcase out of it.
And… I got the smoothest pens you ever signed with. They’re like butter. These cost $200 and no — you may not keep them. But, enjoy the signing experience, my stories, and enjoy the ride. By the way — my ride is a stretch limo that I have parked outside. We can continue the signing there if you prefer — drinks included, but not until after you finish signing. And remember — sign responsibly!”
CHRIS ROCK: Yo Conan, you rock!
CONAN O’BRIEN: Ha ha, I’m a brutha with some street knowledge! And by the way, you not only rock, you are a Rock!
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Conan’s a brutha now? What????
JERRY SEINFELD: Black, white, yellow, brown, orange – believe me, none of us are happy.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Brother, you just made me happy to hear that.
.
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