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February 3, 2011

Modern Family: An Affidavit of Citizenship & Affidavit of Domicile Notarized

GLORIA: Jay, you know what I have a craving for? And before I answer that, get your mind out of the gutter.

JAY: Not everything I think about is in the gutter, especially when you ask me to do chores like cleaning the gutter.

GLORIA: I was thinking, I would be nice if invite everybody to have dinner with us?

JAY: Well, what would we cook?

GLORIA: No, I don’t want to cook. I want to go and introduce everybody to my culture.

JAY: I think you’re doing a good job of that already. Remember when Jesse knocked on our door last night at 10:15 and you answered the door waving a machete at him?

GLORIA: Well, it was after 10pm, and you can never be too careful! But, I want to invite everyone to go with us to a restaurant from my country.

JAY: Last time we went to one of those places, the food kept repeating on me.

GLORIA: That is because you are not used to it. I have been living in your country for years, and I feel like I am drowning in your culture. I would just like that for two hours, we immerse ourselves in my culture.

JAY: Honey, they way you are built, you can’t possibly drown.

GLORIA: Ah-ha-ha, very funny. So, when can we invite everybody?

JAY: Well, don’t we have to pick a restaurant first?

GLORIA: There is one problem with that. All of the Columbian restaurants that I really like are back in my country.

JAY: Well, we’re going to have to find something a little closer than that. How about Acapulco?

GLORIA: You are right. Acaupulco is much closer than Bogota.

JAY: No, not the city, the restaurant. They’re the most famous Latin restaurant in town.

GLORIA: You’ve been married to me for all these years and you don’t know the difference between Mexican food and Columbian food?

JAY: I didn’t know there was going to be a test. But, honestly, I need to get a few documents notarized before I do anything else.

GLORIA: Oh, come on. When was the last time we did anything fun?

JAY: Okay, you can pick a restaurant and invite people. In the mean time, I’ll get those documents ready.

GLORIA: Can you get one neutarized for me too? My Affidavit of Citizenship?

JAY: I don’t think that even a document can feel neutered around you. You can come with me. But, you have to personally appear before the notary.

GLORIA: Why does everything have to be so personal. Can’t you appear on my behalf neutered?

JAY: Just invite everybody and we’ll go to the Notary in an hour. Just make sure you have your document and your ID. My Attorney drafted it for you, right?

GLORIA: I think I have it, but I don’t understand it.

JAY: I told you he was a good lawyer! Even I don’t understand half of what he writes!

(meanwhile — Gloria decides on a restaurant based on where she has been with a few friends in the past)

GLORIA: (calls Eric & Jesse) Hi, Eric. I am inviting everyone to have food from my country tomorrow night. Would you and Eric like to come? We would meet at our house, and squeeze into one SUV.

ERIC: I would love to. I love trying food from other countries. It’s so exciting, but I’m not sure we’ll all fit in your car.

GLORIA: Oh, don’t worry about it. That adds to the experience, because that’s how we travel in my country.

ERIC: Well, that might work if I brought my clown outfit.

GLORIA: Okay, thanks. I have to call Claire and Phil now.

(ring ring)

CLAIRE: Hello?

GLORIA: Oh hi Claire. We wanted to invite everybody to go out to Columbian food with us tomorrow night. Do you think that would work?

CLAIRE: Sounds like a possibility. Let me run it by Phil. I’ll call him at the office and let you know.

GLORIA: But, let me know in the next two hours, because we need to know how many people are coming.

CLAIRE: (calling Phil) Honey, how would you like to go to a Columbian restaurant tomorrow with the gang?

PHIL: Ooh, that sounds like a lot of something I want to get out of.

CLAIRE: I’ll tell her we’re busy.

(Claire leaves a message for Gloria to let her know that they’ll be busy.)

GLORIA: Okay Honey, I found my Affidavit, and my ID and I’m ready to be neutered!

JAY: You neuter a cat, you notarize a document.

GLORIA: Don’t be silly, the cat would be licking that Notary seal the whole time.

JAY: Unfortunately, his website says that he leaves at 4:45, and we don’t have time to get there today. We can either call a mobile notary that we found on 123notary.com. They charge an arm and a leg. Or, we can go tomorrow afternoon.

(The next day — Jay & Gloria arrive at the Notary office. But, there is an unexpected delay, because there are several people lined up to see the Notary. After ten minutes, the door opens, and Claire walks out.)

GLORIA: Oh hi Claire. I didn’t know you weren’t a citizen.

CLAIRE: What are you talking about? We’re having a permission to travel slip notarized for our daughter to go to Acapulco.

GLORIA: Funny you should mention that because I asked Jay permission to go anywhere but Acapulco.

JESSE & ERIC: Well look whose here! We just got our Affidavit of Domicile notarized!

JAY: We weren’t expecting to see you here. The line for the notary was longer than the line to the woman’s bathroom.

GLORIA: Funny you should notice that!

ERIC: These days, with the ambiguousness of the gender symbols on the bathroom doors, who can tell which is which?

GLORIA: So, are we all ready for a wonderful dinner? We’ll drive you all.

JESSE: (to Eric) What did you get us into?

ERIC: Well, up until now, you always enjoyed being in tight places.

JESSE: (whispering in an agitated voice) Where is she taking us?

ERIC: (softly in a positive excited voice) She’s taking us to have Colombian food!

JESSE: I can’t eat that. Especially in a public place where people might notice if I …. where people without colds have enhanced olfactory senses… hmmm?

ERIC: I’m getting the picture. So, just have a salad. This is a big night for Gloria.

CLAIRE: Didn’t you get our message? We have other plans tonight.

GLORIA: Oh that is too bad. We’ve been looking forward to this for such a long time.

PHIL: I guess we could go. That scrabble game we planned can wait.

GLORIA: Oh good. Meet us at our house at 6pm sharp.

(All six of them squeeze in the SUV. Eric & Jay in the front, and everyone else in back.)

JESSE: Gee, I haven’t been paying attention for the last fifteen minutes. But, by chance, would we happen to be in South Central right now?

JAY: Toto, I have a feeling we’re not at Acapulco anymore. Don’t worry, it’s right off the highway and has secured parking. At least that’s what their website says.

CLAIRE: You mean you’ve never been there before? I tend to lose my appetite when I’m fearing for my life. This is one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the entire city!

GLORIA: In my country, this would be the good part of town.

JESSE: I really feel like we are in danger here.

GLORIA: Oh don’t worry, if anything happens, I have my machete.

JAY: And she knows how to use it! Hey, the restaurant is not where Google maps says it is. We’re lost!

GLORIA: I’ll just ask those guys over there? Pull over!!! (to guys) Hey guys, do you know where Casa Medellin is? I was there four months ago, and it isn’t here any more.

NEIGHBORHOOD GUYS: Hi bonita. Que quiere? (Translation: Hi beautiful, what do you need)

JESSE: (Elbows eric & whispers) There are eight of them, they’re all huge, have neck tattoos, and they look like they are in MS 13, the Salvadorean gang.

ERIC: No dummy, these are the guys who took out MS 13.

CLAIRE: I think I got the wrong document notarized. It should have been my Will.

GLORIA: Hola guapo. Donde esta Casa Medellin? Es circa de aqui? (Translation: Hi handsome, where is Casa Medellin?)

NEIGHBORHOOD GUYS: They moved. (making a hand gesture of cutting his throat)

JAY: Oh good!

GLORIA: Where did they move to?

NEIGHBORHOOD GUYS: Oh, just two blocks up and around the corner.

GLORIA: Oh, that’s really close. Thank you…

(During dessert)

GLORIA: (Toasting) Thank you everybody. This was the best meal I ever had, and with the best people I’ve ever known. Thank you for making me feel so at home. I feel so at home in this type of environment.

FRIENDS: Home! Great idea.


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