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April 23, 2012

Sending loose certificates is illegal

Filed under: Ninja Theme Articles,Notary Acts & Certificates — Tags: , , , , , , , , — admin @ 1:00 am

Sending loose certificates is illegal! 

People who work at Title companies are notorious for breaking the law in so many ways.  Here are some common types of fraud that happen at Title companies daily:
(1) Many will deliberately and shamelessly forge initials when the borrower forgets to initial.  I’m not sure how bad of a crime this is, but I recommend against any type of forgery — no matter what! 
(2) Most will unstaple documents that have been stapled which makes the completed certificate which is attached (a legal requirement), no longer attached (illegal) and hence a loose certificate (gulp). I have had multiple Title companies complain to me that they didn’t like the industrial staples I used since they were so hard to unstaple.  They don’t have a legal right to unstaple those notarized documents because the certificate must stay attached.  Part of the problem with unattaching certificates, is that they could get reattached to some OTHER document creating confusion, havoc, and hence having a document notarized without having it presented to a notary public and going through the procedure and journal entry.
(3) Many will ask a notary to send them a loose certificate if a document needs to be notarized again for some reason. Sometimes the seal was smudgy, or perhaps they needed to replace the document and get a new certificate for the new document with a new date.  If you are a “loose notary” who has a loose interpretation of notary law in your state, you might be breaking the law!
 
It all starts out with a pad of loose certificates!
You start out with our pad of loose acknowledgment certificates and jurat certificates.  Any serious notary will have this type of pad on hand as if their life depends on it.  Sure, the certificates are loose now, but that is okay, since they haven’t been filled out or stamped yet!  When you notarize a signature(s) on a document(s), you have the signer(s) signer the instrument, and then you have them sign your official journal of notarial acts.  Then, you fill out the certificate wording embedded in the document, or if that boiler plate wording isn’t there, you can add a certificate form which has the identical, or hopefully very similar boiler plate wording.  You fill out the form, cross you s’s, and dot your t’s, etc.  The minute you sign the certificate, and affix your official notary seal, then you may NOT let that certificate out of your site until it is ATTACHED to the corresponding document. It is illegal to unattach a certificate from a document, and very unkosher to unattach the staple for a notarized multipage document. What are your intentions?  Are you going to swap pages after the fact?  I can smell fraud a mile away!
 
What should you the notary do when asked to send a loose certificate?
It’s easy.  Someone at a Title company says they need a new Jurat certificate for the Affidavit of Domicile you notarized for them a week ago otherwise their loan won’t go through (pressure technique).  They want you to mail the loose certificate to them!  Tell them:
 
“No problem, just send me the document and the original certificate — I’ll shred the old certificate and add a new one… You can not have two certificates for the same document. The signer already signed the journal for this particular transaction and doesn’t need to sign it again for a certificate which is to be dated the same date they signed the journal.”
 
And they will say:

“Oh, come on, why does this have to be so difficult. That takes extra time and money.  Why can’t you just (break the law) and send us what we want (and risk your commission and risk being sent to jail or being fined perhaps more than $1000) for our convenience?”
 
And then you should say:

“If you need notaries to routinely break the law for your pleasure, you should ask your notaries some pre-screening questions.  Ask them if they are willing to break the law on a whim (your whim) and risk their commission and perhaps some jail time for your convenience. Ask them if they mind risking going to jail to save you from having to wait an additional 24 hours for a loose certificate… if they say ‘sure’, then they are the notary for you!”
 
My concluding advice
Don’t break the law for these rascals. They are not worth it.  You probably won’t get in trouble, but as a notary public, your position in society is to preserve integrity, and to safeguard transactions by making sure that the signer really signed the corresponding document in question.  If certificates get switched on documents due to fraud, or because you didn’t identify the document carefully enough on the certificate, then you are a liability to society and shouldn’t be a notary public. 
 
As a notary, you should be very sensitive to the fact that if you are notarizing multiple documents for a particular signer, those documents could get mixed up, and the signer could pull a fast one and reattach notary certificates from a document you really did notarize, to another similarly named document that you did not notarize. 
 
Multi-page documents can be taken apart and pages switched.  Title companies ROUTINELY take apart documents as a matter of standard procedure, and if you don’t emboss every page of everything you notarize, it would be easy for someone to replace page 5 with another similar looking page 5.  Assume that people are dishonest and shady, so that you can protect the virtue and integrity of your work. Document everything to a tee, and don’t give in to pressure to do illegal notary acts even if it means losing a client. You don’t want that client anyway in the long run — trust me!

You might also like:

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Make your own certificate forms
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February 3, 2011

Modern Family: An Affidavit of Citizenship & Affidavit of Domicile Notarized

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , , , — admin @ 8:51 am

GLORIA: Jay, you know what I have a craving for? And before I answer that, get your mind out of the gutter.

JAY: Not everything I think about is in the gutter, especially when you ask me to do chores like cleaning the gutter.

GLORIA: I was thinking, I would be nice if invite everybody to have dinner with us?

JAY: Well, what would we cook?

GLORIA: No, I don’t want to cook. I want to go and introduce everybody to my culture.

JAY: I think you’re doing a good job of that already. Remember when Jesse knocked on our door last night at 10:15 and you answered the door waving a machete at him?

GLORIA: Well, it was after 10pm, and you can never be too careful! But, I want to invite everyone to go with us to a restaurant from my country.

JAY: Last time we went to one of those places, the food kept repeating on me.

GLORIA: That is because you are not used to it. I have been living in your country for years, and I feel like I am drowning in your culture. I would just like that for two hours, we immerse ourselves in my culture.

JAY: Honey, they way you are built, you can’t possibly drown.

GLORIA: Ah-ha-ha, very funny. So, when can we invite everybody?

JAY: Well, don’t we have to pick a restaurant first?

GLORIA: There is one problem with that. All of the Columbian restaurants that I really like are back in my country.

JAY: Well, we’re going to have to find something a little closer than that. How about Acapulco?

GLORIA: You are right. Acaupulco is much closer than Bogota.

JAY: No, not the city, the restaurant. They’re the most famous Latin restaurant in town.

GLORIA: You’ve been married to me for all these years and you don’t know the difference between Mexican food and Columbian food?

JAY: I didn’t know there was going to be a test. But, honestly, I need to get a few documents notarized before I do anything else.

GLORIA: Oh, come on. When was the last time we did anything fun?

JAY: Okay, you can pick a restaurant and invite people. In the mean time, I’ll get those documents ready.

GLORIA: Can you get one neutarized for me too? My Affidavit of Citizenship?

JAY: I don’t think that even a document can feel neutered around you. You can come with me. But, you have to personally appear before the notary.

GLORIA: Why does everything have to be so personal. Can’t you appear on my behalf neutered?

JAY: Just invite everybody and we’ll go to the Notary in an hour. Just make sure you have your document and your ID. My Attorney drafted it for you, right?

GLORIA: I think I have it, but I don’t understand it.

JAY: I told you he was a good lawyer! Even I don’t understand half of what he writes!

(meanwhile — Gloria decides on a restaurant based on where she has been with a few friends in the past)

GLORIA: (calls Eric & Jesse) Hi, Eric. I am inviting everyone to have food from my country tomorrow night. Would you and Eric like to come? We would meet at our house, and squeeze into one SUV.

ERIC: I would love to. I love trying food from other countries. It’s so exciting, but I’m not sure we’ll all fit in your car.

GLORIA: Oh, don’t worry about it. That adds to the experience, because that’s how we travel in my country.

ERIC: Well, that might work if I brought my clown outfit.

GLORIA: Okay, thanks. I have to call Claire and Phil now.

(ring ring)

CLAIRE: Hello?

GLORIA: Oh hi Claire. We wanted to invite everybody to go out to Columbian food with us tomorrow night. Do you think that would work?

CLAIRE: Sounds like a possibility. Let me run it by Phil. I’ll call him at the office and let you know.

GLORIA: But, let me know in the next two hours, because we need to know how many people are coming.

CLAIRE: (calling Phil) Honey, how would you like to go to a Columbian restaurant tomorrow with the gang?

PHIL: Ooh, that sounds like a lot of something I want to get out of.

CLAIRE: I’ll tell her we’re busy.

(Claire leaves a message for Gloria to let her know that they’ll be busy.)

GLORIA: Okay Honey, I found my Affidavit, and my ID and I’m ready to be neutered!

JAY: You neuter a cat, you notarize a document.

GLORIA: Don’t be silly, the cat would be licking that Notary seal the whole time.

JAY: Unfortunately, his website says that he leaves at 4:45, and we don’t have time to get there today. We can either call a mobile notary that we found on 123notary.com. They charge an arm and a leg. Or, we can go tomorrow afternoon.

(The next day — Jay & Gloria arrive at the Notary office. But, there is an unexpected delay, because there are several people lined up to see the Notary. After ten minutes, the door opens, and Claire walks out.)

GLORIA: Oh hi Claire. I didn’t know you weren’t a citizen.

CLAIRE: What are you talking about? We’re having a permission to travel slip notarized for our daughter to go to Acapulco.

GLORIA: Funny you should mention that because I asked Jay permission to go anywhere but Acapulco.

JESSE & ERIC: Well look whose here! We just got our Affidavit of Domicile notarized!

JAY: We weren’t expecting to see you here. The line for the notary was longer than the line to the woman’s bathroom.

GLORIA: Funny you should notice that!

ERIC: These days, with the ambiguousness of the gender symbols on the bathroom doors, who can tell which is which?

GLORIA: So, are we all ready for a wonderful dinner? We’ll drive you all.

JESSE: (to Eric) What did you get us into?

ERIC: Well, up until now, you always enjoyed being in tight places.

JESSE: (whispering in an agitated voice) Where is she taking us?

ERIC: (softly in a positive excited voice) She’s taking us to have Colombian food!

JESSE: I can’t eat that. Especially in a public place where people might notice if I …. where people without colds have enhanced olfactory senses… hmmm?

ERIC: I’m getting the picture. So, just have a salad. This is a big night for Gloria.

CLAIRE: Didn’t you get our message? We have other plans tonight.

GLORIA: Oh that is too bad. We’ve been looking forward to this for such a long time.

PHIL: I guess we could go. That scrabble game we planned can wait.

GLORIA: Oh good. Meet us at our house at 6pm sharp.

(All six of them squeeze in the SUV. Eric & Jay in the front, and everyone else in back.)

JESSE: Gee, I haven’t been paying attention for the last fifteen minutes. But, by chance, would we happen to be in South Central right now?

JAY: Toto, I have a feeling we’re not at Acapulco anymore. Don’t worry, it’s right off the highway and has secured parking. At least that’s what their website says.

CLAIRE: You mean you’ve never been there before? I tend to lose my appetite when I’m fearing for my life. This is one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the entire city!

GLORIA: In my country, this would be the good part of town.

JESSE: I really feel like we are in danger here.

GLORIA: Oh don’t worry, if anything happens, I have my machete.

JAY: And she knows how to use it! Hey, the restaurant is not where Google maps says it is. We’re lost!

GLORIA: I’ll just ask those guys over there? Pull over!!! (to guys) Hey guys, do you know where Casa Medellin is? I was there four months ago, and it isn’t here any more.

NEIGHBORHOOD GUYS: Hi bonita. Que quiere? (Translation: Hi beautiful, what do you need)

JESSE: (Elbows eric & whispers) There are eight of them, they’re all huge, have neck tattoos, and they look like they are in MS 13, the Salvadorean gang.

ERIC: No dummy, these are the guys who took out MS 13.

CLAIRE: I think I got the wrong document notarized. It should have been my Will.

GLORIA: Hola guapo. Donde esta Casa Medellin? Es circa de aqui? (Translation: Hi handsome, where is Casa Medellin?)

NEIGHBORHOOD GUYS: They moved. (making a hand gesture of cutting his throat)

JAY: Oh good!

GLORIA: Where did they move to?

NEIGHBORHOOD GUYS: Oh, just two blocks up and around the corner.

GLORIA: Oh, that’s really close. Thank you…

(During dessert)

GLORIA: (Toasting) Thank you everybody. This was the best meal I ever had, and with the best people I’ve ever known. Thank you for making me feel so at home. I feel so at home in this type of environment.

FRIENDS: Home! Great idea.

.

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January 30, 2011

Two and a half notaries: impaired judgement

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 11:43 am

DISCLAIMER: This skit has references which many people might find inappropriate. Readers should be at least thirteen years of age and of unsound mind to read this article!

ALAN: I’m doing a notarization this evening!

BERTA: You’re still doing that? But, you have a career, why do you need to do that?

ALAN: Well, maybe I like notarizing things. I find it therapeutic.

CHARLIE: Well, if you think that’s therapeutic, then you’re nuts — so that should work out quite nicely

ALAN: I enjoy the art of affixing my seal; somehow makes me feel in control over the universe.

CHARLIE: You’re drinking vodka? You shouldn’t drink before a notarization because that could impair your judgement.

ALAN: Oh, its not for me, it’s for the signers.

CHARLIE: Oh, well in that case, even I would feel that it was therapeutic, assuming I had any feeling in my fingers after ingesting all of that vodka.

BERTA: Well, how much extra do you get by having these signers sign something that they shouldn’t after their judgement has been impaired?

ALAN: This signing is actually for a lesbian couple. I’m hoping that the vodka will impair their judgement after the signing. Since I drove my wife to lesbianism, I’m kind of hoping that I can do the same thing with these signers — but, in reverse.

JAKE: (grabbing the bottle of vodka and looking at it) Can you teach me how to be a notary too?

ALAN: You were not intended to hear this conversation

JAKE: Oh, I didn’t hear much. But, I was just thinking. Today in school, we learned about a financial product called a reverse mortgage. And to sign that type of loan, it is called a reverse signing. That might come in handy with those two chicks you’re working on.

CHARLIE: Why don’t you reverse yourself out of here. (to Alan) That kid’s a pain, but he’s right!

BERTA: After half a bottle of that Stolichnaya, maybe they’ll think they’re signing a double mortgage — at least they’ll be seeing double!

JAKE: (comes back in the room) Maybe they’ll pay you double

CHARLIE: Or maybe they’ll give you double trouble — until they pass out!

(Alan drives to the signing)

ROBIN: Thanks for coming. I have my Affidavit of Domicile right here.

ALAN: Oh, I thought we were doing a loan signing.

ROBIN: No, we’re going to do that next week. We just wanted to get this one done as soon as we could.

ALAN: Okay. I brought a little vodka.

CHRIS: Oh, thanks. You can just put that in the cabinet up there.

ALAN: Oh. Okay.

ROBIN: Do we sign here?

ALAN: Yeah… but, I was thinking. You don’t want to toast to your domicile bliss?

ROBIN: Oh no, we’re just living with each other for tax purposes.

BOYFRIEND: Oh, you brought vodka? Oh, that ‘s an expensive brand. Thanks dude, that was so cool and considerate of you!

ALAN: Oh, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend. I thought you guys were…

CHRIS: You thought we were lesbian? Oh!

BOYFRIEND: That’s what I thought at first too. Ironically, that’s what attracted me to them.

ALAN: (taking notes) So, how’d you get them to switch? Did you buy them a bottle of vodka.

BOYFRIEND: Kind of. But, I bought them a cheap Smirnoff. To me, I took is as kind of a challenge. I didn’t find out until afterwards that they were straight. I poured them some vodka and said — straight or on the rocks. She said she was straight, but that her relationship was on the rocks.

ALAN: Oh well, let’s get this notarization over. Here’s my card in case you need anything notarized in the future.

BOYFRIEND: Thanks dude, and no hard feelings.

CHRIS: Why don’t you give him his bottle back. It’s the least we can do for leading him on.

ROBIN: I think it was my inadvertent comment about the three-way notarization. I shouldn’t have said that, but I was tipsy. See what alcohol can do?

BOYFRIEND: Here’s your vodka dude, and thanks for everything.

ALAN: Thanks, I guess.

(Alan drives back — a squad car pulls him over)

ALAN: Hello officer, was I speeding?

OFFICER: No, but there is a “Have Seal Will Travel” sticker blocking your left turn signal.

ALAN: Oh brother.. I think my kid Jake must have been trying to help me out with my business. I didn’t see it on there. I asked him to put it on the side of my car.

OFFICER: Maybe you should pay more attention to what you’re doing, and what your son is doing. Is that an open bottle of Vodka on the front passenger mat?

ALAN: Oh boy. It was a gift for my client, but they didn’t want it. So, I’m taking it home.

OFFICER: You’re under a rest.

(Meanwhile in the slammer. The police have mercy on Alan. They figure he’ll get pulverized in the men’s holding cell, so they put him in with the women. Two four-hundred pound biker-chicks have pity on him, and the rest is history.)

BUTTERCUP: I heard all about your little tragedy from the guards, and all I can say is that I am so sorry.

HARLEY: Me too. So, what’s a notarization?

BUTTERCUP: And do you happen to have any more vodka on you?

ALAN: As a matter of fact, I have several mini-bottles in my coat pocket right here.

(We’ll leave the rest to your imagination)

(Four hours later)

CHARLIE: I’m here to bail you out

ALAN: It was incredible.

CHARLIE: What have you been smoking?

ALAN: That was the best signing I ever had.

CHARLIE: (looking at the mini-bottles) Wow, I need to start drinking this stuff.

ALAN: Robin and Chris were great. I’m going to call them when I (passes out)

(Charlie carries him home)

.

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Two and a half Notaries: Imparied judgement
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January 27, 2011

Cheers: Frazier & Dianne Get a Notarized Love Letter

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:17 am

Frazier & Dianne need to rewrite a letter and get it notarized to make sure their love is legitimate. Frazier suspects that Dianne still has feelings for Sam.

FRAZIER: Dianne, I’ve been thinking. I know we love each other, but I want to make it more official.

DIANNE: How can love be official? Isn’t love just a feeling? A lasting feeling that can endure the worst setback and torment and tribulation.

CARLA: Oh, give it a break! You go over one too many bumps in the road and anyone’s love will break. It’s just human nature.

SAM: I think love can last, if you give it a chance, and are committed.

NORM: That’s not what happened with any of your relationships Sam.

SAM: Well, I tried, okay?

WOODY: I think that’s nice that Frazier and Dianne want to get a notarized statement about their love. I think that shows that they take it real seriously.

CLIFF: They can give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen? Besides, Dianne falling in love with the Notary. Like that’s gonna happen. Did you see the last Notary who came in here?

DIANNE: Enough Cliff. The Notary who came last time was very nice… especially after he had his beer — well, during the beer he was nice too.

FRAZIER: So, are we going to do it? I can write something up. Or better, we can write it together. Isn’t that how it should be?

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

CARLA: If you want to know if your love is really legitimate, install a hidden camera in Frazier’s house. You’ll see what’s legitimate then.

NORM: So, Frazier, speaking of legitimate, have you ever had any accidental children with anyone you were dating?

FRAZIER: I find your question highly inappropriate actually.

CLIFF: I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a bad way.

DIANNE: Okay, I’m thinking. You don’t suspect that I still have feelings for Sam, do you?

FRAZIER: Well, the thought did cross my mind.

DIANNE: Oh, how can you even think that?

FRAZIER: Well, when you’ve been with someone that long, even after it’s over, there are always lingering feelings. Plus, I notice the way you sometimes look at him.

CLIFF: Yeah, I notice that too. She has that… je ne sais quoi when she looks at him.

FRAZIER: So, it’s been determined that I’m not the only one who has noticed this, or who suspects the same.

DIANNE: I’m over him. I know that my relationship with Sam couldn’t last. We’re just too different. Sure, occassionally, some latent feelings will bubble up, but intellectually I know that it wasn’t meant to be.

FRAZIER: Ah-ha, I knew I was right.

CARLA: You don’t need a PhD to figure that one out Einstein.

FRAZIER: So, can you verify what you said in writing, so we can have it notarized?

DIANNE: Yes… I mean I think I can… I can. I will.

(a few days later)

NOTARY: Yeah, I’ll have another Sam Adams. But, keep it cold for me while I do this Notary job. What is this, a vow renewal?

FRAZIER: Of a sort. We’re not married you see. We’re just madly in love with each other.

NOTARY: Got it. Well, I just need to check the signer’s ID. And I’ll take a thumbprint just to be sure that the signer isn’t an imposter. Would you like me to use my embosser as a secondary notary seal? It leaves a raised impression and looks very thorough and professional.

DIANNE: Yes, we’d like that.

FRAZIER: Does this mean you will have to hold her hand while thumbprinting her? I can’t bear the thought.

NOTARY: You can do it. Just don’t make too much of a mess. I’ll train you. Just hold her thumb like this, and press straight down like this. Let’s practice on a napkin… no not that one. A clean napkin.

FRAZIER: I feel it is more romantic this way. My love for thee. I hereby take thy hand as my thumbprint-worthy object of affection and everlasting love for the purpose of thumbprinting.

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

(Frazier depresses Dianne’s thumb in the ink pad and then down in the journal’s section for the thumbprint. Then she hugs him)

FRAZIER: I’m sorry to interrupt our love, but you didn’t happen to wipe your thumb clean of the ink, now did you?

NOTARY: Not to worry, It is an inkless thumbprint pad from the NNA. No ink — no mess.

FRAZIER: Brilliant. So, my $700 jacket is saved… and so is my love! Where do I sign?

NOTARY: I just need Dianne to sign, and then I need to write down the particulars in her ID.

CARLA: Don’t you still have her ID information from the last time you came. Remember, when we found out how old she really is?

NOTARY: Well, I like to get a fresh look at the ID every time.

DIANNE: Please don’t remind me of that time.

FRAZIER: Age my dear is just a number. And so long as that number is 21 or older you have permission to have a drink. Shall we toast?

.

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Vietnam War Notaries. A POA for a POW.

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 12:52 am

Back in the 60’s, soldiers were not the only ones sent to Vietnam. Notaries were as well.

One such Notary was talking to another Notary in the plane and asked, “If I like the Beatles, does that make me a Lennonist, a McCartneyist, or an anti-McCarthyist?” The other Notary said, “It makes you a music lover, and probably left-wing. I think we’re fighting on the wrong side.” Speaking of music, on the plane, they had some Cuban-Vietnamese music played with a Viet-Conga drum to keep the rhythm. Then, another Notary commented that Ho-Chi-Minh was not a hoochi mamma, but a ho-chi baba. The discussion moved from dumb jokes to a more serious matter. Names. Some of the humor on the plane came from a book written by the famous Chinese comedian “Foo-Ling” and his wife the nutritionist “Rose Hip.”

So many people in Vietnam have the same names. Half the country is named Nguyen, Tranh, or Duc. How can you tell people apart based purely on the names?

Meanwhile on the front, Vietnamese smugglers were engaged in human trafficking of refugees into Cambodia. Van Winh Vu smuggled regugees in a van (more than just a name) but was caught by an American soldier named Carl Van Schessler. I guess it’s one van for another, or more of a van pool. Then Truc Le Tranh smuggled regfugees in a truck while Tranh had ammunition transported in a compartment of a Train.

Notaries were very fearful of going to their Notary appointments because of all the booby traps. Between road side bombs, pungi sticks hidden under banana leaves and mines. It was like playing dodge ball every step of the way.

THE APPOINTMENT
Harry the Notary was on his way through some rice paddies to Notarize a transaction for a few very large bags of rice which was the local currency. He prayed to God he did not bump into the Viet Cang on his way, or American planes dropping any napalm.

Harry got to his appointment only to find that Tranh Duc Ho was selling twenty 50 pound bags of rice to Tranh Duc Ho. The Notary asked, “Is this some type of a joke?” Tranh #1 said, “No, we just have the same name. That is common around here. See, look at our ID’s. They say the same name. We look similar too.” The Notary said, “Oh, God. Doing Notaries around here is like walking through a mine field.” The Notary decided to thumbprint everyone to keep them honest and make notes about who had a tattoo where or a scar where just to keep the record straight. After the notarization was over, the American military came and confiscated all of the rice since the Vietcong was in the area. Why is life so unfair. Are we the good guys, the bad guys, or what?

Then the Notary went back to the base and talked to another Notary named Sam. Sam had been near where they were dropping Notary Palm. It’s kind of like napalm but has black ink that burns at 2000 degrees. Then, the new weapon for Notaries was filling a pungi stick with Notary ink and shooting ink out of the stick. After this scary conversation they met yet another American who escaped from a POW camp.

A POA FOR A POW

JOHNNY: “I need a POA for a POW.”

HARRY: “I can do that. Do you mean a former POW?”

JOHNNY: “No, it’s for a friend. He wants to have his car managed by his wife back home.”

HARRY: “What happened to your fingers?”

JOHNNY: “They got messed up when I was in The Trang.”

HARRY: “Oh, what did they do to you there?

JOHNNY: “They made me give details of troop locations by sticking bamboo slits under my fingernails.”

HARRY: “Ouch. If you don’t talk do they move you to the basement of the Trang?”

JOHNNY: “The what? No, I didn’t say, “The Trang, I said De Trang. It’s a city in Nam.”

HARRY: “Oh, shows what I know. The Trang sounds like the name of a jungle vietcong prison camp to me, or just a remote jungle.”

JOHNNY: “I don’t know if I can get those guys out while I visit, but at least a notarized POA will do. After it’s notarized, we can see about an escape route. They might have moved location, so we will have to track them and the Notary will have to come along. It’s twenty days on foot. So we will need to bring plenty of food, water, and disinfectant. Are you any good at setting up booby traps?

HARRY: “I know a guy who flies a helecopter shaped like a Notary Seal who taught me a thing or too. I know how to make a mine that looks like a Notary Seal. If you press on the top, then ink flies everywhere. It’s sort of like a science experiment.”

JOHNNY: “Well this trip is not an experiment. One wrong move and you’re dead or lose a leg which in the parts we’re going to is a slow death.”

HARRY: “Well I’m not going to die because I’m special.”

JOHNNY: “For the last two years I’ve been putting pieces of special people in body bags. Everybody’s mother thinks their special.”

HARRY: “You’re the bravest soldier I’ve ever met!”

JOHNNY: “Thanks, I’ll remember that compliment when I’m putting pieces of you in a body bag.”

HARRY: So, how do you think the war is going?”

JOHNNY: “The Vietcong is upset because they have run out of new and creative ways to rip someone’s rib cage out of their body and have failed to find a perfect way to create a booby trap that rips someone in two exact pieces. They tried ripping people’s eyes out of their sockets but were lousy at that. But, they are good at booby traps which is how I lost half of my men. Meanwhile half of our guys capitalize on how weed and heroin are pennies on the dollar over here and in very pure form. That slows their reaction time in battle which is why our kill ratio isn’t what it should be. Meanwhile the Southern Vietnamese army is upset because the price of pedacures has doubled. ”

HARRY: “What are they, a bunch of girls?”

JOHNNY: “Half of them act like girls while in the Vietcong, half of them are girls who could rip your arm out of its socket. One girl called the Apache castrated one of our guys while he was still alive. We hunted her down for three days and assassinated her with a long range rifle. Normally they ambush us, but we turned the tables due to extenuating circumstances.”

HARRY: “What happened to the guy?”

JOHNNY: “He died of blood loss within minutes. Isn’t he lucky?”

HARRY: “Well, let Saigons be Saigons. Okay, let’s visit The Trang and do a POA for a POW.”

JOHNNY: “We leave at 0400 hours. Get some z’s while you can. And we’re going to the jungle near Da Nang, not De Trang.”

HARRY: “Oh, they have a Trang there too?”

JOHNNY: “Never mind.”
.

You might also like:

Notarization in the Trang – a Vietnam War Story.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19652

.

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January 25, 2011

A scene from the Minion Loan Signing

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 12:39 pm

The Stevens needed to have their loan signed. However, a small mishap occured right before the signing. The Notary’s car was attacked by 200 minions who stole the Notary’s seal, journal and appointment schedule. A few minutes later, a few minions showed up at the loan signing for the Stevens.

(knock knock)

MRS STEVENS: Uh, hello? Can I help you?

BOB: Hello, hello

KEVIN: Hello (meanwhile Stuart is going in through the window)

MRS STEVENS: I see you have a Notary Seal. Are you the Notary?

BOB: I’m Notary Bob. he he, he he, he he. Notary! (jumps on the table with notary bag) Notarize documents!

KEVIN: I help Bob. Assist he-he he-he he-he (jumps on table and slides all the way to the end at lightening speed)

MRS STEVENS: Are you sure you are a Notary?

BOB: Bob Notary has commission (whispers into Kevin’s ear… “quick get me a commission!”)

KEVIN: One moment — one moment… ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. Be right back. (jumps out window and scribbles something on a paper on the lawn and then embosses it with gold seal)

BOB: See — Bob Notary real Notary. Real Notary ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.

MRS STEVENS: I’m not so sure about this.

BOB: You sign the document. This page, this page… right here,

MRS STEVENS: I don’t want to sign

KEVIN: Ohhhh…..

MR STEVENS: But, I’ll sign

KEVIN: yay!!!!! ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. Sign right there…. Bob Notary Notarize you!

MR STEVENS: Okay, I’ll sign this one and this one and this one.

BOB: Okay…. Now, I notarize! Here’s my stamp. Hmmmm…. out of ink. Uh-oh!

KEVIN: Uh-oh

STUART: Oh-oh… no problem, I brought ink!

BOB: I add ink! Oopss… (spills ink all over the documents) uh-oh

KEVIN: Uh-oh

STUART: Uh-oh…. borrower copies! (whips out borrower copies and Mr. Stevens signs them again.)

BOB: Okay… I stamp here…. stamped. done… notaized! notarized! notarized!

KEVIN: I put them in Fedex! … All done!

MINIONS: Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye… (they all jump out window. Then, they jump in the car and drop it in the Fedex box.)

KEVIN: But, what if Fedex driver doesn’t come?

BOB: uh-oh! —- ahhhh… Bob Notary has idea! Move Fedex box to Fedex station!

MINIONS: Yay!!! good idea… good idea….

So, about 200 minions come out of nowhere, rip the fedex box out of the cement and deliver it to the Fedex station and drop it in front of the staff member.

BOB: Bob Notary want receipt.

FEDEX GUY: I’m calling the police

BOB: We control the police as part of our world domination! King Bob rules!

FEDEX GUY: Okay, never mind.

MINIONS: Okay, okay okay… thank you! (then they slide back into the parking lot at lightening speed, and run away giggling!) ha ha, ha ha, ha ha….

.

You might also like:

Lifestyles of the rich and infamous signing companies
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16715

UFO Notary Seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16533

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January 24, 2011

Trump — Making American Notaries Great Again

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (comments) — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 11:14 am

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again

We’ve heard a lot about Trump wanting to make America great again. But can he make your notary practice great again if it isn’t already? Or have you hit the wall? Or does he have to build the wall and then make Mexico pay for it? He says America doesn’t win anymore. Are you winning? Thanks to NAFTA, Mexican notaries are allowed to enter the United States and perform work as notaries. But because they charge so little, the only way Americans could survive was to build a wall made of used notary seals.

THE DONALD: The notaries love me. And by the way, the notaries love me. I repeat myself a lot. And by the way, I repeat myself a lot.

NOTARY: I’m undecided about who to vote for. Why should I vote for you?

THE DONALD: Our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. I will make American notaries great again. I’m gonna bring notary jobs back to America. I will be the greatest notary jobs president God ever created.

NOTARY: Would you swear to that under oath?

THE DONALD: I will swear to Justice Roberts on a bible on January 20th. Until then, I’ll swear at my campaign rallies.

NOTARY: Well, you have been married three times. You know a lot about witnessing signatures on divorce papers.

THE DONALD: More than Hillary! She’s a disaster. She could have at least left Bill during MonicaGate, but no. She stuck by his side. Pathetic.

NOTARY: Why shouldn’t I vote for Ted Cruz?

THE DONALD: Lyin’ Ted? He wants to shred Iran’s nuclear deal on day one. Shredding signed documents takes away notary jobs. He’d be a disaster as president.

NOTARY: Wouldn’t you need to hire more notaries to witness the signatures on the deal that replaced it?

THE DONALD: Absolutely. And I’m fine with that.

NOTARY: Hold on. A minute ago you said you were against it.

THE DONALD: I’ve evolved. Which is more than I can say for Cro-Magnon Man Cruze. Have you seen his wife? Compared to mine, she looks like a Gargoyle.

NOTARY: Well, I’m still not convinced you’re good for notaries. What about Bernie?

THE DONALD: The Communist? The only time I “feel the bern” is when I pee. Elect him and all the notaries will be getting free health care.

NOTARY: What’s wrong with that?

THE DONALD: Living longer means fewer wills to witness. When I’m elected president, believe me, half the country will jump off buildings. And if they’re lucky, one of mine. You’ll be witnessing will signings till the cows come home. Speaking of which, did you see Lyin’ Ted’s wife?

.

You might also like:

The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

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January 19, 2011

Woody Allen Gets Notarized

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 12:33 am

(ring-ring)

NOTARY: Brooklyn Notary!

WOODY: Ah yes, I mean hi, I mean… um… there’s something I need to ask you. (pause) I mean if that’s okay. If that’s all right.

NOTARY: What type of question?

WOODY: Well, I need something notarized, but I wanted to meet you near city hall, so that I could file the document the minute I got it notarized. Kind of like one stop shopping, except it’s not exactly shopping… well, philosophically speaking. I mean in a Freudian way, it might be considered shopping but..

NOTARY: Brooklyn City Hall?

WOODY: Yeah…. Noon tomorrow. But, there are so many people there. I feel like I need to fight them off. I’m not the confrontational type. I’m very timid actually. Too timid. Last week I got beat up by Quakers.

NOTARY: Beat up by Quakers? Did you steal their oats… or steal their wife’s bonnets?

WOODY: Well, it’s a long story actually. You see I took one of the best parking spots outside of their Quaker Meeting hall. Well, it wasn’t me, it was my girlfriend — she was driving me. They go through this every week I guess. You know, the difficulty finding parking spots. It can be exasperating for anyone. It must have been easier for them back in the days of the horse and buggy. Simpler. They like simplicity. I do too. With me it’s more of a Zen thing though. But, the hostility. It must be all of the silent worshiping — keeps all of their aggression all pent up. I see how they could just explode… or Implode under those conditions.. It’s really very scientific when you think about it actually — except that (pause) well, I don’t believe in science.

NOTARY: Maybe they should have a sign saying, “Parking for Quakers only!”

WOODY: I’ll bring that up with them next time I see them, I mean, providing they don’t start chasing me down the street.

NOTARY: So, do you know where to park?

WOODY? Oh no, I don’t drive. I have too much hostility. You know. Something could happen. I would be like a Kamakazi. Swooping down on people. Like a Japanese Zero. Whoommmm!

NOTARY: Okay, so you know how to get there.

WOODY: Oh yeah. I go there all the time. Sometimes I go for fun. You know, seeing everyone so busy. It makes me start to think that there’s a purpose in this existence with all the running around.

NOTARY: Just make sure you bring your ID. I have a purpose in having ID”s.

WOODY: Oh… yes of course. I always keep my ID. On my person. It’s so important. My mother taught me that the worst thing you could possibly do besides failing to wear clean underwear was not to have your ID on your person — or for it to be expired.

NOTARY: Oh, was she a Notary?

WOODY: Well, actually not. She had a bad experience with a Notary. And then she started dreaming about him after the fact. She would wake up screaming. It was always a crazy looking guy chasing her around with a 12 inch wide Notary Seal. It was so surreal. But, I never had that experience. I love the idea of being Notarized. It seems like such a Kafka-esque experience.

NOTARY: You can say that again!

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January 15, 2011

Roseanne calls the NNA when she thought she was calling the NRA.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , , — admin @ 9:10 am

Speaking of rebooting a show that doesn’t deserve to be rebooted. Here’s what happens when a Trump supporter becomes a Notary Public.

Roseanne was using Google to look up the NRA, but due to a typing error, found the NNA instead, and then started reading.

ROSEANNE: Hmm, this NNA organization sounds really helpful. They teach you everything you need to know to be a Notary, plus they sell ammunition… um, I mean supplies like Acknowledgment pads. I wonder if you can shoot an Acknowledgment.

DAN: Hey, shoot me over an Acknowledgment!

ROSEANNE: Oh, so you can shoot an Acknowledgment. Cool. I’m gonna call the NNA. (ring ring) Hey NNA, what would you carry if you were on a Notary trip?

NNA: Oh, well, we have an NNA carry-all bag.

ROSEANNE: I like these people already (yelling) Hey Dan, these folks have a carry-all bag! Hey NNA, can you fit a dead moose in one of your bags?

NNA: Um, I’m afraid that these bags are more for Notary supplies and can fit a journal, and a few pads of paper, seals, etc.

ROSEANNE: Well can you teach me how to operate one of them seals, take it apart, and clean it real nice… and reload it?

NNA: We can sell you some replacement ink. You just press the seal down to operate it.

ROSEANNE: Ahh (nasal), do I need any ear protection headset when I shoot your seal gun off?

NNA: I think you’re confusing us with the NRA.

ROSEANNE: I just want you people to know that I support second amendment — the right to bear Notarial arms.

DAN: Honey, you have the right to bear arms, but till you lose a little weight I’d wear long sleeves if I were you.

ROSEANNE: Stay out of it. If that ain’t the kettle calling the pot black. And then speaking of pot, can you operate a loaded notary seal under the influence of Marijuana?

NNA: Um, I believe that is a state specific question that is not covered by Notary law. Please consult an Attorney.

ROSEANNE: Do you know any Attorneys who smoke pot, or Attorney Notaries? Well, they’d have to smoke tons of pot if they would want to be Notaries, right?

NNA: The Notary profession is a very respected profession that has been around for hundreds of years. Please do not defile our profession. We gain tremendous pride from reading about our Notaries of the year as they contribute tremendous integrity to our profession.

ROSEANNE: Well, whaddo I gotta do to be Notary of the year?

DAN: Wait for a really crappy year when everybody else really sucks.

NNA: Well, let’s first start with getting a Notary commission and learning our Notary Basics, shall we?

ROSEANNE: Is there a way I can become Notary of the year on false pretenses? I’m a good liar. I lie about my age and my sex life. Hey Dan, I’m 30 right?

DAN: Yeah, and you’re really hot too, and I’m not just talking about your flashes.

ROSEANNE: See how good I am at telling the truth about myself in a deceitful way?

NNA: You see maam, the Notary profession is based on integrity. The role of the Notary is to keep accurate records, deter fraud, and be completely honest in all transactions.

ROSEANNE: You missed your calling in life, you should have been a church lady, isn’t that special? Or a mime, that way I wouldn’t have to hear you.

NNA: Well just let us know when you are commissioned, and we’ll take it from there. Just make sure you get this all done before the end of Notary season. (hangs up.)

NNA PERSON #2: There’s no such thing as Notary season.

NNA: You have to make hunting references when you’re talking to this lady otherwise she can’t relate to anything you’re saying.

NNA PERSON #2: Okay, time for lunch. Are you up for anything gamey?

NNA: In Chatsworth, CA? Good luck!

.

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Letter to the NNA about Notary Testing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19401

Need an NNA Alternative?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19234

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Jeremy’s bucket list

Filed under: General Stories — Tags: — admin @ 2:50 am

Jeremy’s Bucket List

I’m too young to think about dying, but when I look at the state of the world, and the notary industry, I think about it more. Will the world last another ten years? And if so, what condition will it be in? So, I have decided to make a bucket list. I might as well live while I can!

(1) Meditate in the Himalayas
I’ve actually already been to the Himalayas, but I went to the “wrong” part, if there is such a thing. I went to Darjeeling, while I should have gone to Dehradun which is 600 miles NW of where I went. I went sight seeing in Darjeeling, Sikkim, and Kalimpong. It was very enjoyable, especially seeing the

sunrise at 4:15 am with a view of Mount Kanchenzhonga. Yeah, hard to pronounce — even harder to wake up at 3:30 am. There is light there even at 3 am. Not sure how that is possible according to the always of physics. But, the mountains in India have their own laws. I saw 12 Buddhist temples last time, heard the chanting, horns, the whole enchilada.

(2) Get out of the Himalayas without dysentery
Getting there is time consuming and expensive. Not getting a gastro-intestinal disease requires having a blessing from the gods — of which there are many in the mountains. If you see those mountains that are 25,000 feet, you will quickly realize that the valleys between the snow-capped peaks are the playgrounds of the gods.

(3) Stop having dreams about being a mobile notary
It happens all to often. I’ll be trying to have a peaceful night’s sleep, and then it happens. I have one of those dreams that I am late to a mobile notary appointment in Vernon, CA. Come on! I haven’t been a notary since 2005, when will these dreams stop. I think I need to see my psychic and have him come up with a fool-proof plan to stop these dreams. I also have dreams that my notary seal expired, but I am still using it. That is the worst recurring dream of all that I have..

(4) Start a travel blog
Yes, I’m starting that in a few weeks with any luck. Wish me well. It will be about local and overseas travel, plus some silly articles about life and the universe that will hopefully get a few chuckles.

(5) Taste better wines
Whenever I go to wine tastings — which is not that often, the wines are not expensive ones. I want to taste some classy wines for once in my life. Do I have to fly to Bordeaux, or drive to Napa to make this happen? Will I even like these pricey wines? The Sake museum in Tokyo was also on my list of things to do. I just wonder what it is like in real life over there.

(6) Travel to Australia mate
I love Australians, and would love to see the geographical marvels of their huge and expansive country. If you go on Google, you can see pictures of their National Parks. Each park is completely different from the others. There are deserts, jungles, beautiful mountains, breathtaking shorelines, and more!

(7) Start a haunted Halloween attraction
My idea was to have real ghosts at mine. I’m tired of these cheap thrill, having some minimum wage high school drop out chase people around with a chainsaw. I want the real deal damn it! I want holograms, sounds that give you the chills, and more!

(8) Visit Bali and go to the Safari zoo, the beach, try local cuisine and hike in the National Parks. Bali has tons of attractions, and prices are really low.

(9) Find a good manager who can take over the day to day responsibilities of running 123notary.com. Sure, I’ll still technically “oversee”, but the other person would have to do most of the work, emails, management, a few decisions, etc.

(10) Find out what the mystery spice is in Colonel Sander’s recipe is. 11 herbs and spices — hmm… I bet that mystery spice is from some remote island in Indonesia. Maybe one of the village elders knows what the secret spice is!

Then, my life will be complete, and I will be ready to die. Or at least when I do die, I will say, “It’s okay, I did all the things I wanted to do!”

Tweets:
(1) I’ve actually already been to the Himalayas, but I went to the “wrong” part if there is such a thing.
(2) #Himalayas Not getting a gastro-intestinal disease requires a blessing from the Gods.
(3) I keep having a recurring dream that I am late to a notary appointment in Vernon
(4) My life goal is to figure out what the mystery spice is in KFC’s recipe.

You might also like:

Jeremy’s favorite blog posts
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18837

Jeremy’s birthday party
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6830

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