WARNING: This skit may have a few inappropriate references that could be considered slightly offensive to people with morals, people who don’t have morals, as well as people who are just not sure.
ALAN: I have an idea
CHARLIE: What is it this time? Are we going to all dress in green and walk down the street signing Gaelic songs?
ALAN: No, it’s even better than that, although I do love Gaelic music.
BERTA: Spit it out! Tell us what you want to do.
ALAN: I thought it would be great if we all became notaries! It is a service everybody needs. And then we would have something in common. You know — to talk about.
CHARLIE: Notary? I don’t really think anyone will need my services as a Notary. Nobody has ever asked me about that before.
JAKE: What’s a notary?
ALAN: Well, you see, a notary is a profession, where they check people’s ID, verify that they are the correct signer, witness them signing a document, and then they affix their notary stamp or seal to the document. Sometimes they even swear under Oath.
JAKE: Sounds cool, I think you should do it. (yawning and patting his mouth)
CHARLIE: I don’t know if I want to invest my precious time doing all the procedures to become a notary, especially not during the superbowl.
BERTA: I heard that Monica needed a Notary…
CHARLIE: Where do I sign up?
ALAN: We can all go down to the County Clerk, and fill out the forms. Then, we get our notary seals.
JAKE: Can I become a notary too?
ALAN: I think you need to be a little older.
CHARLIE: Yeah, and not be a felon.
JAKE: I’m not a felon… Wait! What’s a felon?
BERTA: Someone who was convicted of a serious crime, like my uncle Sam. He robbed a liquor store. But, it was an accident. I swear!
JAKE: Never mind, I don’t want to be a dumb notary anyway.
ALAN: Maybe we can get you a training stamp.
JAKE: Oh, kind of like a training bra, except for notaries
CHARLIE: This kid needs a lot more than just training.
ALAN: Maybe it will be good for him. You never know. Sometimes, hands on knowledge sticks with you more than stuff you learned in school.
JAKE: I’m asleep or daydreaming half the time in school anyway.
(Charlie, Alan, and their friend Samantha go down to the County Clerk. Fill out the forms. A few weeks later, they get their notary commissions and then they go to purchase their official notary seals)
ALAN: I’d like to purchase a notary seal
CLERK: Sorry buddy. We’re all out of seals, and our next order won’t come in for another three weeks.
ALAN: Three weeks? Do you have anything left?
CLERK: I just got this one. It’s a store sample, so it’s been used before so people can see how the seal comes out on paper.
ALAN: Looks like I don’t have much choice. I’ll take it. How much is it?
CLERK: $25 even.
ALAN: But, it is so small. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small before.
CLERK: Sorry kid, it’s all we’ve got.
ALAN: I’ll take it!
(meanwhile, all three newly commissioned notaries return to Charlie’s Malibu house)
CHARLIE: Check out my new notary seal. It’s gold plated, and comes in a velvet lined case! Pretty snazzy!
SAMANTHA: I love it. It’s beautiful, just like the things you used to buy me when we were dating.
ALAN: How long ago was that?
CHARLIE: It was off and on. More off than on. But, that’s okay.
ALAN: So, where did you get that seal? It’s amazing!
CHARLIE: I know this place in Beverly Hills. They do customized work over there. For the right price, they can do anything for you — I mean anything. They had to special order this seal, but it was fast because they had a courier bring it down from Sacramento.
SAMANTHA: Check out my seal. It’s pink, but the ink is black. You know — for legal purposes. What about your seal Alan?
ALAN: You probably don’t want to see it. It’s just a seal.
CHARLIE: It was your idea for us all to become notaries, so yes, we do want to see it.
ALAN: It’s in the car. I’ll get it.
(Alan returns from the car)
ALAN: Here it is!
SAMANTHA: Oh, it’s tiny. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small.
ALAN: It might be small, but I know how to use it!
CHARLIE: (rolling his eyes)
JAKE: Check out my seal. I made it myself.
ALAN: How did you figure out how to make it?
JAKE: Easy, I just got some plastic housing for the outside and pit in a customized rubber seal on the inside. It says, “In Training.” I call it my intercontinental notary seal.
CHARLIE: Hey buddy, watch it with that. It’s leaking ink!
JAKE: I know, that’s why I call it an intercontinental notary seal.
ALAN: I think you mean “incontinent.”
JAKE: Same difference
CHARLIE: Well, keep it away from the carpets. The last thing I need is permanent black ink in my Persian rugs. That will cost a fortune to remove it if’s even possible.
JAKE: Not to worry, my ink is invisible ink.
ALAN: Now, there’s an idea.
BERTA: I once had something notarized in invisible ink. It didn’t hold up too well in court until I got the judge that special light, so he could read the ink. If it weren’t for that light, I’d still be in jail.
ALAN: So, Charlie, just out of curiosity. What do you do if your notary seal runs out of ink.
CHARLIE: I can guarantee that’s not going to happen if Monica’s around.
JAKE: I might have the problem if I can’t figure out how to stop that leak. The book I learned about seals from… well. I skipped the chapter on leaks.
(meanwhile two beach girls come to the house)
GIRLS: We heard you were notaries.
ALAN: Speak no further. What do you need done?
GIRLS: We need this waterproof document notarized?
CHARLIE: Are your ID’s waterproof too?
GIRL #1: Oh, I have my ID… right…. here…
(Jake’s eyes are bulging out staring intently directly at where Girl #1’s ID is coming out from)
JAKE: Can I touch it?
GIRL #1: You creep!
CHARLIE: Not you, the ID… He’s a notary in training you know.
GIRL #1: Oh… Okay. Here it is.
JAKE: (caresses the ID with a broad smile on his face, puts it to his chest, and to the side of his head.)
GIRL #2: Is this part of notary procedure?
ALAN: For Jake it is. He studied from a different book than we studied from.
CHARLIE: I think I’ll handle this case. Please sign my journal right here.
GIRL #1: Okay
(30 minutes later)
JAKE: He guess what uncle Charlie
CHARLIE: Dare I ask?
JAKE: Remember those girls who came over.
JAKE: Well, I notarized her. Not her document… her!
CHARLIE: No you didn’t! I’m going to my game. He’s about to do a touchdown.
JAKE: No really. Look out the window. (Girl #1 has her back to the house and is looking at a passing boat)
CHARLIE: I don’t see a notary seal on her.
JAKE: (pointing the ultra-violet invisible ink light at the girl) Look again!
CHARLIE: Oh!!! (shaking his head) Got it…
JAKE: One more thing
CHARLIE: Tell me?
JAKE: Ummm, you don’t need to tell Alan about this.
BERTA: I won’t tell him a thing! Mum’s the word!
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