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February 26, 2016

July 20, 2014

The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary

George’s parents (of all people, parents who constantly bicker with one another) are renewing their vows. George wants a notary to witness their vows in writing…

The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary aka Sign-Feld

GEORGE: Get this. My parents are renewing their vows.

JERRY: Frank and Estelle? (off George’s nod) The vows to argue with each other till death do they part?

GEORGE: What makes you think death’ll stop them? You think the Grim Reaper’s grim now?
Wait’ll he meets the “ungrateful dead”.

JERRY: Renewing their vows. It’s kinda sweet actually.

GEORGE: Remember that notary Kramer hired to authenticate the picture of Jesus on a piece of toast?

JERRY: The guy who swore it was Johnny Depp.

GEORGE: I still say it was Colin Farrell. I need Kramer to throw me his name. I may hire him.

JERRY: Looked more like Uncle Sam to me.

GEORGE: No way was that Uncle Sam.

JERRY: So why are you hiring a guy who worships Johnny Depp? Wouldn’t it make more sense if you were Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: I want him to authenticate the vows. If he can corroborate…

JERRY: Attest?

GEORGE: That’s right. If he can affirm the vows to be genuine, maybe then the loony birds will have to live by them for a change!

JERRY: Unless their vows are to continue not living by them.

Kramer enters.

KRAMER: Guess who’s the new errors and insurance salesman? You’re lookin’ at him!

JERRY: What makes you an errors and insurance expert? Although I admit your expertise when it comes to ensuring you make errors is second to none.

KRAMER: Remember that notary I hired?

JERRY: The one who saw Johnny Depp in a piece of toast?

KRAMER: It was Jesus, Jerry! Anybody with half a brain could tell you that!

JERRY: You’re right, you just did.

GEORGE: What was his name, Kramer? I need to hire a notary.

JERRY: Why do you want to hire a notary who doesn’t know Jesus from Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: Or Colin Farrell! He got it wrong. Maybe he’s cheaper.

KRAMER: (offering) Here’s his business card. Come on, George. Don’t you think Colin Farrell has better things to do than pop up on a piece of toast?

GEORGE: Jesus doesn’t??

KRAMER: Jesus works in mysterious ways.

GEORGE: Do does Farrell. He doesn’t even do talk shows.

KRAMER: Jesus doesn’t even do Charlie Rose!

JERRY: Will you two knock it off?

KRAMER: I’m suing the guy for affirming it was Depp over Jesus. And now I can also sell him an errors and insurance policy that’ll absorb his liabilities for an honest mistake.

JERRY: If it was an honest mistake, isn’t suing him a little dishonest?

KRAMER: I’m Cosmos, not Jesus.

GEORGE: What kind of liabilities?

KRAMER: The difference between the cost of a certifiable Johnny Depp piece of toast on eBay versus a certifiable Jesus piece of toast on eBay. You do the math!

Elaine enters, munching on a piece of toast.

ELAINE: That’s it. I am done. He’s gettin’ a Dear John text.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: The teeth picker.

JERRY: Can’t you at least give him some floss first?

ELAINE: Floss. Toothpicks. Sucking between my teeth. The guy can’t take a hint.

GEORGE: Are you officially breaking up with the teeth picker?

ELAINE: The man is (displaying the last of what she’s munching on) toast.

KRAMER: (Eyeing toast) Is that who I think it is?

JERRY: Here we go.

GEORGE: If he’s so bad at picking up on hints and you want him to get the message you’re dumping him, don’t text him. Write him a Dear John letter on paper that a notary witnesses. So he can corroborate it.

ELAINE: Attest?

GEORGE: Yes! Affirm to be correct, true or genuine.

ELAINE: Since when are you the notary expert?

GEORGE: When I was a kid, I had a dream about being a notary. Other kids were dreaming about naked women. I was dreaming about squeezing embossers. Your own seal. Administering oaths. It’s a very respectable line of work when you think about it.

JERRY: So why didn’t you ever take it up?

GEORGE: Since when am I respectable?

TO BE CONTINUED…

.

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Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal
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January 30, 2011

A Tough Act to Follow

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , — admin @ 11:05 pm

1923 was a year that made history. President Warren G. Harding unexpectedly died in office, and Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the thirtieth president by his father, John Calvin Coolidge, Sr.

The public hadn’t exactly been in love with Harding’s scandalous administration. And “Silent Cal,” as the new Prez came to be called, wasn’t exactly Mr. Excitement. But Cal’s old man? Now there was a significant figure. The first and last notary public to swear in the leader of the free world!

Notice I said last. Toss aside the fact there was concern over whether a state notary public had the power to administer the presidential oath of office, which is why Cal repeated the oath after he returned to Washington. For a “silent” guy, he sure liked to take oaths.

No, the real reason John Calvin Coolidge was the last of his kind: His ego exploded.

Recently released transcripts (not authenticated by a notary public, but don’t hold that against me) indicate John Calvin rubbed the noses of his fellow notary publics in his rarified accomplishment.

JCC: “How’s work treating you?”

Fellow notary public: “Fine.”

JCC: “That doesn’t sound too ‘fine’.”

Fellow notary public: “I certified a transaction today.”

JCC: “I swore in the President.”

Fellow notary public: “I swore in the shower. It involved your name and a blunt instrument.”

JCC: “Come again?”

Fellow notary public: “I know you swore in the President. You won’t let anyone forget you swore in the President!”

JCC: “How could anyone forget? It was unforgettable. I put my stamp on the book of history. You put yours on, what was it again?”

Fellow notary public: (mumbling) “A transaction.”

JCC: “Sorry, I forgot.”

Fellow notary public: “Why don’t you take a page from your silent son I’ll gladly certify, and shut your trap?”

JCC: “I don’t need your seal of approval, my little man. The President I raised and whose right hand I raised gave me his, or I wouldn’t have been chosen to raise it!”

KABOOM!

That wasn’t the fellow notary public’s weapon silencing his detractor. It was the sound of an exploding ego.

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

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January 28, 2011

Tomorrow’s Notary Publics

no·ta·ry public

noun \ˈnō-tə-rē-\
plural notaries public

————————————

The kids who grow up to become doctors or lawyers have it easy. Oh sure, they have to get into med school or law school. They have to avoid getting thrown out of med school or law school. Physicians have to breathe the germs of sick people. Lawyers have to address curmudgeons as “Your honor” if the curmudgeon is wearing a robe. (Unless it’s Hugh Hefner wearing a robe.) But all of this is a cakewalk compared to growing up to become a notary public. You can study pre-law or pre-med. Pre-notary public? Dream on.

Kids who become doctors or lawyers are conditioned to become doctors or lawyers. Their parents and teachers dangle those career carrots from an early age, encouraging any signs of medical or legal predispositions. What are the signs of a budding notary public prodigy?

“Hello, class. I’m your teacher, Ms. Morrison.”

As Ms. Morrison writes her name on the board, all of her students slavishly continue to zone in on their handheld devices, except for one pimply kid she notices “witnessing” her signature.

“Young man, have you ever thought of becoming a notary public? You just might have the right stuff!”

A teacher’s seal of approval one day. A notary public’s seal of approval years later.

Doctors and lawyers have role models: Doogie Howser … Dr. Oz … Dr. Dre … Perry Mason. OJ’s lawyers. (Not the ones who got him off for murder. The ones who got him locked up for sports memorabilia.) Most notaries are forbidden from offering legal advice or preparing legal documents. Remember L.A. Law? Remember L.A. Notary Public? Me neither.

“Tonight, on L.A. Notary Public, Ted affixes a certificate!”

Wait… sounds likes last week’s L.A. Notary Public. What do you expect? He’s a notary public!

Kids want to grow up to become firemen … astronauts … rock stars… glorified karaoke contestants who follow in the footsteps of American Idol, Carrie Underwood, and dodge the footsteps of American idle, Lee DeWyze. Remember Lee? Me neither.

As The Lone Ranger rides again, kids continue to play “cowboys and Indians.” No child on record has been caught playing “notary publics and document holders.”

Presuming notary publics reproduce future generations of notary publics, how can we help ensure their not so livelihoods latch onto enough sex appeal to generate the action required to reproduce future generations? Dim the lights…

“I’m Ryan Seacrest… and this… is American Notary Public!”

Randy Jackson: “Yo, what’s your name?”

Bill Dudley: “Bill Dudley.”

Randy Jackson: “Are you the next American Notary Public?”

Bill Dudley: “Definitely.”

Randy Jackson: “Okay, dawg, do your thing.”

Bill Dudley: “Can I have your autograph?”

Randy hands Bill a piece of paper with his autograph. Bill stamps said piece of paper.

Randy Jackson: “Bill Dudley’s in it to win it!”

*

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

Tweets:
(1) You can study pre-law or pre-med. Pre-notary public? Dream on.
(2) What are the signs of a budding notary public prodigy?
(3) “Young man, have you ever thought of becoming a notary public? You just might have the right stuff!”
(4) Kids play “cowboys and Indians.” No child on record has been caught playing “notary publics and document holders.”

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January 26, 2011

The Notaries! Having Emmys for Notaries!

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Popular on Twitter — Tags: , , , — admin @ 10:58 pm

With yet another Hollywood awards season and mutual admiration society of back-patting waiting in the wings, it’s time to say enough already! How hard is it to act like other people? I act like I care how you are when I ask, “How are you?” You act like you care how I am when you respond, “How are you?” Where are our awards? Where are our mantel dust collectors that equate with our self-worth? (Does my CableACE Award count? It’s defunct. It better not equate with my self-worth.)

It’s time to shine an overdue light on the people who truly deserve recognition. It’s time the notary publics went public. Move over Emmys, and get ready for… The Notaries!

“I’m Andy Cowan, and I’m here on the beige carpet. It’s The Notaries, you weren’t expecting red? It’s a veritable who isn’t who of never weres, wannabes and probably never will be’s! Oh look, there’s the guy who stamped something I needed him to stamp once for a reason that’s long since escaped me. Who are you wearing?”

“A Sears catalogue original.”

“I should have known. Good luck tonight! Can you tell us a little about your next project?”

“Been promising the wife I’d clean out the garage.”

“We’ll look forward to that. Or at least she will.”

Announcer: “From the entertainment capital of the world… give or take a thousand miles… it’s the first annual Notary Awards! … Here now, your host… Andy Cowan!”

“Thank you. Sorry I’m out of breath. I was on the beige carpet. I’m the pre and actual host. I’m also supposed to clean up later, and beige shows the dirt, so it’s gonna be a long night. Since they also saved by not hiring monologue writers, let’s get right to it, shall we? The nominees for best notary public in a supporting role are… Jim Diggles, in “Sit down, and I’ll stamp that for you” … Maria Isaacs, in “Here’s the paper I stamped for you” … and Larry Kreps, in “This stamping will just take a second” …

And the Notary goes to… Larry Kreps!”

Announcer: “This is Larry Kreps’ first Notary Award. Duh! These are the first Notary Awards.”

Larry Kreps: “Oh, my, this is surreal. Thank you so much! Wow. This simulated gold-plated paper with a stamp on it is kinda heavy! First, let me thank my fellow nominees. I’d mention their names, but I only just heard them a moment ago and didn’t memorize them. I share this award with each of you, but the piece of paper I’m reading this on right now hasn’t been certified, so don’t hold me to that.”

Andy’s kazoo signals him to wrap up.

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

Tweets:
(1) From the entertainment capital of the world… give or take a thousand miles… it’s the first annual Notary Awards!

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January 24, 2011

Trump — Making American Notaries Great Again

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again

We’ve heard a lot about Trump wanting to make America great again. But can he make your notary practice great again if it isn’t already? Or have you hit the wall? Or does he have to build the wall and then make Mexico pay for it? He says America doesn’t win anymore. Are you winning? Thanks to NAFTA, Mexican notaries are allowed to enter the United States and perform work as notaries. But because they charge so little, the only way Americans could survive was to build a wall made of used notary seals.

THE DONALD: The notaries love me. And by the way, the notaries love me. I repeat myself a lot. And by the way, I repeat myself a lot.

NOTARY: I’m undecided about who to vote for. Why should I vote for you?

THE DONALD: Our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. I will make American notaries great again. I’m gonna bring notary jobs back to America. I will be the greatest notary jobs president God ever created.

NOTARY: Would you swear to that under oath?

THE DONALD: I will swear to Justice Roberts on a bible on January 20th. Until then, I’ll swear at my campaign rallies.

NOTARY: Well, you have been married three times. You know a lot about witnessing signatures on divorce papers.

THE DONALD: More than Hillary! She’s a disaster. She could have at least left Bill during MonicaGate, but no. She stuck by his side. Pathetic.

NOTARY: Why shouldn’t I vote for Ted Cruz?

THE DONALD: Lyin’ Ted? He wants to shred Iran’s nuclear deal on day one. Shredding signed documents takes away notary jobs. He’d be a disaster as president.

NOTARY: Wouldn’t you need to hire more notaries to witness the signatures on the deal that replaced it?

THE DONALD: Absolutely. And I’m fine with that.

NOTARY: Hold on. A minute ago you said you were against it.

THE DONALD: I’ve evolved. Which is more than I can say for Cro-Magnon Man Cruze. Have you seen his wife? Compared to mine, she looks like a Gargoyle.

NOTARY: Well, I’m still not convinced you’re good for notaries. What about Bernie?

THE DONALD: The Communist? The only time I “feel the bern” is when I pee. Elect him and all the notaries will be getting free health care.

NOTARY: What’s wrong with that?

THE DONALD: Living longer means fewer wills to witness. When I’m elected president, believe me, half the country will jump off buildings. And if they’re lucky, one of mine. You’ll be witnessing will signings till the cows come home. Speaking of which, did you see Lyin’ Ted’s wife?

.

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January 21, 2011

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

For those who don’t know that “phat” is a funky way of saying “excellent,” now you do. Phat! (Next time your girlfriend asks, “Do I look phat in this?” tell her yes!) And geeks are excellent too. We’re all computer geeks now. Those of us who aren’t need a computer geek. This is the short story of the marriage of two very specific subsets of geeks – Notary geeks.

Notary geeks live and breathe all things notaries. And when two such geeks find each other, it could be time to relay each other’s seals of approval, whose terms expire when death do they part. Plus they’ll never cheat on each other, because rather than swear at meddling relatives, these two swear to take an oath. When your promise to be faithful is under oath, it makes for a lot less cheating later on. In “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” breaking plates created pandemonium. In “My Big Phat Geek Wedding,” it’s breaking oaths.

Rather than look forward to the “deed” come the honeymoon night, our geeks look forward to overseeing a document by which a relative transfers property… the “deed.” Rather than using Windex on every ill from psoriasis to poison ivy, our geeks consider such a thing “malfeasance.”

Finally, unlike “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” our geeks aren’t planning a lame sequel, “My Big Phat Geek Wedding 2.” Unless you call an “attested copy,” a copy of an original document, lame. Or a sequel.

Phat chance!

Short of a sequel, our story took a dramatic turn when, at the Big Fat Greek wedding when Sheldon and Raj from “Big Bang Theory” showed up…

Sheldon: “We’re here!”

Raj: “What’s with all the souvlaki?”

Sheldon: “I thought this was a geek wedding, not a Greek wedding.”

Raj: “I guess we misread the invitation.”

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January 19, 2011

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career

The Opposite (How George Costanza changed his life and notary career.)

Speaking of the opposite, Seinfeld’s George changed his life and career around in the much remembered and loved episode, “The Opposite,” by doing just that: The opposite. If you don’t want to be unemployed and living with your parents, you need to start really nailing your notary and signing agent knowledge, not to mention your communication and following direction skills. Do you follow me?

George Costanza, the notary, is doing everything wrong.

GEORGE: It’s not working, Jerry.

JERRY: What’s not working?

GEORGE: I’m trying to charge too much, and settling for too little! I’ve been advertising on one of those other notary sites that do nothing to move my business forward. I haven’t been studying enough for my certification test. I haven’t even cracked a book.

JERRY: I’d be more impressed if you read one. So here’s your chance to do the opposite. If you work harder, get more experience, you’ll be able to charge what you’re worth! And advertise on 123notary.com.

GEORGE: And the heck with my paid listing with Notary Rotary and a free listing with no certification on 123notary.com. I’m gonna do the opposite!

JERRY: If you aren’t certified, do the opposite. Go to elite certification!

GEORGE: Does being a certified lunatic count?

JERRY: Nope. The opposite.

GEORGE: I will do the opposite! I’ll know my terminology. I’ll have more buzzwords than a beekeeper. I’ll know my documents.

JERRY: Other than the pages that say “this space intentionally left blank”?

GEORGE: If it was really intentionally left blank, they wouldn’t fill it up with words that say “this space intentionally left blank.”

JERRY: Good point.

GEORGE: Look at me, Jerry. You’re telling me I made a good point! It’s already working! I’ll finally know what I’m doing and won’t just wing it!

JERRY: Good! Not knowing what you’re doing and just winging it never got anybody anywhere. Unless you’re Donald Trump or work for Wingstop.

George should go from not reading any notary materials to reading all of them. Even change the people he’s dating. From dating no-notaries (who, after he broke up with them, swore but never under oath) to dating notaries! As for the former, they were office shredders. The opposite of those who keep records! At least he’s dating the opposite sex. So he’s on the right track, unless you prefer the opposite of the opposite, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Instead of certifying a copy of a vital record, George does the opposite and obtains it from the agency that holds the original vital record. Instead of not getting paid for travel time, George does the opposite… and doesn’t get paid for sitting on his ass. Meaning if you want to get paid, don’t sit on yours! Are you not done reading this? Do the opposite!

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January 18, 2011

Notaries Without Makeup

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , , — admin @ 9:02 am

Have you ever seen shows about celebrities without makeup?
Well now there is “Notaries without Makeup.” A reality show about what Notaries are really like behind the scenes.

Meet Sylvia.

SYLVIA: Hi, I’m Sylvia. Believe it or not, underneath this dazzling exterior, I’m just a regular person. I put my skirt on two legs at a time. Being a Notary may seem glamorous. At least if you’re Amish. But when you get down to it, it’s a lot of hard work. You have to show up for appointments, follow instructions, and deal with a lot of egos.

HOST: So, Sylvia, what was one of the worst moments you have had as a Notary?

SYLVIA: Since we Notaries are always judged by our appearances, the worst experience I had was when I had to refill my stamp’s ink, and it spilled all over my hand and my outfit. I was mortified. The blue ink clashed with my green blouse. Then, at another signing, I had to pretend the signer’s picture ID looked like him before he’d obviously aged from having to carry around such an ugly picture ID. Being a Notary is not all fun and games. There are a lot of hardships.

HOST: That was fascinating. So, what things about you are the same as say — an average person?

SYLVIA: When I get out of my glittering Notary outfit, and take off the professional makeup that I get done in the green room, I’m just a regular person. I go jogging. I have two cats and a small dog. I witness them doing their business on the front lawn. See? A notary’s work is never done. I bake cakes. I do all of the normal things that regular people with no lives do. The only real difference between me and others is that my life is incredibly exciting next to watching paint dry.

HOST: Well, that was very interesting talking to you. And we’ll be back next week with our next episode of “Notaries without Makeup!”

.

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January 13, 2011

Notary Public Cures Lying!

Being economical with our finances is challenging. Being “economical” with the truth is a snap. That’s because fudging a bit is a byproduct of being all too human. But notary publics shine a light on the signed, sealed and delivered un-stretched truth. Imagine if we navigated the half-truths of life with the added assurance a notary would provide? Imagine no more.

· “It’s not you. It’s me.”

Okay… Before we break up and I draw at least some comfort from the fact I had the misfortune of choosing a partner who wasn’t good enough for me instead of vice versa, would you be willing to sign “It’s not you, it’s me” in front of Jeremy, my 123notary.com truth detector?

“Okay, it is you. Where do I sign?”

Oh well. Thanks for lying. Till a couple seconds ago, that is.

· “We’ll keep your résumé on file.”

And I’ll keep my notarized statement in which you promise to keep my résumé on file… on file.

“We’ll keep your résumé in the nearest circular file till the janitor heaves it. That you can notarize.”

Wow. I’ve been canned before, but never garbage canned.

“Your résumé didn’t mention you’d been canned before.”

You actually read my résumé? I’m honored!

“As I was folding it into a paper airplane, I couldn’t help but notice.”

· Billy “likes” this on Facebook.

And Jeremy at 123notary.com likes the fact you like this, once you let him notarize your thumb up.

“Billy likes avoiding work by killing time on Facebook. That you can notarize.”

Thanks, unfriend.

· “You look great.”

You didn’t tell me that sixty years ago when I was twenty. Why should a bunch of liver spots change things? I won’t believe you till 123notary.com makes it official.

“Don’t forget. When you were twenty, my eyesight was still good. That you can notarize.”

Okay. At least you’ll be able to feel the seal.

· “You’re a wonderful cook.”

Thanks. My dog you’re secretly passing the chicken to under the table seems to agree. Would you mind letting 123notary.com seal the deal and paper on which you praise my culinary skills?

“I was talking about the time you cooked up the whopper about how you can cook. That you can notarize.”

Well, you’ll have to come again sometime. I’m talking to the dog.

· “I’ll call you sometime.”

Yes, you will. If I can have Jeremy at 123notary.com notarize your promise to do just that.

“ ‘I’ll call you a name sometime.’ That you can notarize.”

I’ll be sure to return the call.

· “What a great audience.”

Thanks. After Jeremy from 123notary.com notarizes the cue card off of which you read that, I’ll believe you.

“No problem. Come on up, Jeremy.”

Jeremy affixes his official seal to the cue card. The card is so thick, the seal can’t make it all the way through, rendering the audience less than certifiably great. They start booing, further validating why Jeremy’s seal made less than an impression.

Thanks, you’ve been great readers. Jeremy… can you confirm that?

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

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