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January 26, 2011

The Notaries! Having Emmys for Notaries!

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Popular on Twitter — Tags: , , , — admin @ 10:58 pm

With yet another Hollywood awards season and mutual admiration society of back-patting waiting in the wings, it’s time to say enough already! How hard is it to act like other people? I act like I care how you are when I ask, “How are you?” You act like you care how I am when you respond, “How are you?” Where are our awards? Where are our mantel dust collectors that equate with our self-worth? (Does my CableACE Award count? It’s defunct. It better not equate with my self-worth.)

It’s time to shine an overdue light on the people who truly deserve recognition. It’s time the notary publics went public. Move over Emmys, and get ready for… The Notaries!

“I’m Andy Cowan, and I’m here on the beige carpet. It’s The Notaries, you weren’t expecting red? It’s a veritable who isn’t who of never weres, wannabes and probably never will be’s! Oh look, there’s the guy who stamped something I needed him to stamp once for a reason that’s long since escaped me. Who are you wearing?”

“A Sears catalogue original.”

“I should have known. Good luck tonight! Can you tell us a little about your next project?”

“Been promising the wife I’d clean out the garage.”

“We’ll look forward to that. Or at least she will.”

Announcer: “From the entertainment capital of the world… give or take a thousand miles… it’s the first annual Notary Awards! … Here now, your host… Andy Cowan!”

“Thank you. Sorry I’m out of breath. I was on the beige carpet. I’m the pre and actual host. I’m also supposed to clean up later, and beige shows the dirt, so it’s gonna be a long night. Since they also saved by not hiring monologue writers, let’s get right to it, shall we? The nominees for best notary public in a supporting role are… Jim Diggles, in “Sit down, and I’ll stamp that for you” … Maria Isaacs, in “Here’s the paper I stamped for you” … and Larry Kreps, in “This stamping will just take a second” …

And the Notary goes to… Larry Kreps!”

Announcer: “This is Larry Kreps’ first Notary Award. Duh! These are the first Notary Awards.”

Larry Kreps: “Oh, my, this is surreal. Thank you so much! Wow. This simulated gold-plated paper with a stamp on it is kinda heavy! First, let me thank my fellow nominees. I’d mention their names, but I only just heard them a moment ago and didn’t memorize them. I share this award with each of you, but the piece of paper I’m reading this on right now hasn’t been certified, so don’t hold me to that.”

Andy’s kazoo signals him to wrap up.

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

Tweets:
(1) From the entertainment capital of the world… give or take a thousand miles… it’s the first annual Notary Awards!

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January 24, 2011

Trump — Making American Notaries Great Again

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again

We’ve heard a lot about Trump wanting to make America great again. But can he make your notary practice great again if it isn’t already? Or have you hit the wall? Or does he have to build the wall and then make Mexico pay for it? He says America doesn’t win anymore. Are you winning? Thanks to NAFTA, Mexican notaries are allowed to enter the United States and perform work as notaries. But because they charge so little, the only way Americans could survive was to build a wall made of used notary seals.

THE DONALD: The notaries love me. And by the way, the notaries love me. I repeat myself a lot. And by the way, I repeat myself a lot.

NOTARY: I’m undecided about who to vote for. Why should I vote for you?

THE DONALD: Our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. I will make American notaries great again. I’m gonna bring notary jobs back to America. I will be the greatest notary jobs president God ever created.

NOTARY: Would you swear to that under oath?

THE DONALD: I will swear to Justice Roberts on a bible on January 20th. Until then, I’ll swear at my campaign rallies.

NOTARY: Well, you have been married three times. You know a lot about witnessing signatures on divorce papers.

THE DONALD: More than Hillary! She’s a disaster. She could have at least left Bill during MonicaGate, but no. She stuck by his side. Pathetic.

NOTARY: Why shouldn’t I vote for Ted Cruz?

THE DONALD: Lyin’ Ted? He wants to shred Iran’s nuclear deal on day one. Shredding signed documents takes away notary jobs. He’d be a disaster as president.

NOTARY: Wouldn’t you need to hire more notaries to witness the signatures on the deal that replaced it?

THE DONALD: Absolutely. And I’m fine with that.

NOTARY: Hold on. A minute ago you said you were against it.

THE DONALD: I’ve evolved. Which is more than I can say for Cro-Magnon Man Cruze. Have you seen his wife? Compared to mine, she looks like a Gargoyle.

NOTARY: Well, I’m still not convinced you’re good for notaries. What about Bernie?

THE DONALD: The Communist? The only time I “feel the bern” is when I pee. Elect him and all the notaries will be getting free health care.

NOTARY: What’s wrong with that?

THE DONALD: Living longer means fewer wills to witness. When I’m elected president, believe me, half the country will jump off buildings. And if they’re lucky, one of mine. You’ll be witnessing will signings till the cows come home. Speaking of which, did you see Lyin’ Ted’s wife?

.

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January 21, 2011

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

For those who don’t know that “phat” is a funky way of saying “excellent,” now you do. Phat! (Next time your girlfriend asks, “Do I look phat in this?” tell her yes!) And geeks are excellent too. We’re all computer geeks now. Those of us who aren’t need a computer geek. This is the short story of the marriage of two very specific subsets of geeks – Notary geeks.

Notary geeks live and breathe all things notaries. And when two such geeks find each other, it could be time to relay each other’s seals of approval, whose terms expire when death do they part. Plus they’ll never cheat on each other, because rather than swear at meddling relatives, these two swear to take an oath. When your promise to be faithful is under oath, it makes for a lot less cheating later on. In “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” breaking plates created pandemonium. In “My Big Phat Geek Wedding,” it’s breaking oaths.

Rather than look forward to the “deed” come the honeymoon night, our geeks look forward to overseeing a document by which a relative transfers property… the “deed.” Rather than using Windex on every ill from psoriasis to poison ivy, our geeks consider such a thing “malfeasance.”

Finally, unlike “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” our geeks aren’t planning a lame sequel, “My Big Phat Geek Wedding 2.” Unless you call an “attested copy,” a copy of an original document, lame. Or a sequel.

Phat chance!

Short of a sequel, our story took a dramatic turn when, at the Big Fat Greek wedding when Sheldon and Raj from “Big Bang Theory” showed up…

Sheldon: “We’re here!”

Raj: “What’s with all the souvlaki?”

Sheldon: “I thought this was a geek wedding, not a Greek wedding.”

Raj: “I guess we misread the invitation.”

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January 19, 2011

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career

The Opposite (How George Costanza changed his life and notary career.)

Speaking of the opposite, Seinfeld’s George changed his life and career around in the much remembered and loved episode, “The Opposite,” by doing just that: The opposite. If you don’t want to be unemployed and living with your parents, you need to start really nailing your notary and signing agent knowledge, not to mention your communication and following direction skills. Do you follow me?

George Costanza, the notary, is doing everything wrong.

GEORGE: It’s not working, Jerry.

JERRY: What’s not working?

GEORGE: I’m trying to charge too much, and settling for too little! I’ve been advertising on one of those other notary sites that do nothing to move my business forward. I haven’t been studying enough for my certification test. I haven’t even cracked a book.

JERRY: I’d be more impressed if you read one. So here’s your chance to do the opposite. If you work harder, get more experience, you’ll be able to charge what you’re worth! And advertise on 123notary.com.

GEORGE: And the heck with my paid listing with Notary Rotary and a free listing with no certification on 123notary.com. I’m gonna do the opposite!

JERRY: If you aren’t certified, do the opposite. Go to elite certification!

GEORGE: Does being a certified lunatic count?

JERRY: Nope. The opposite.

GEORGE: I will do the opposite! I’ll know my terminology. I’ll have more buzzwords than a beekeeper. I’ll know my documents.

JERRY: Other than the pages that say “this space intentionally left blank”?

GEORGE: If it was really intentionally left blank, they wouldn’t fill it up with words that say “this space intentionally left blank.”

JERRY: Good point.

GEORGE: Look at me, Jerry. You’re telling me I made a good point! It’s already working! I’ll finally know what I’m doing and won’t just wing it!

JERRY: Good! Not knowing what you’re doing and just winging it never got anybody anywhere. Unless you’re Donald Trump or work for Wingstop.

George should go from not reading any notary materials to reading all of them. Even change the people he’s dating. From dating no-notaries (who, after he broke up with them, swore but never under oath) to dating notaries! As for the former, they were office shredders. The opposite of those who keep records! At least he’s dating the opposite sex. So he’s on the right track, unless you prefer the opposite of the opposite, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Instead of certifying a copy of a vital record, George does the opposite and obtains it from the agency that holds the original vital record. Instead of not getting paid for travel time, George does the opposite… and doesn’t get paid for sitting on his ass. Meaning if you want to get paid, don’t sit on yours! Are you not done reading this? Do the opposite!

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January 18, 2011

Notaries Without Makeup

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , , — admin @ 9:02 am

Have you ever seen shows about celebrities without makeup?
Well now there is “Notaries without Makeup.” A reality show about what Notaries are really like behind the scenes.

Meet Sylvia.

SYLVIA: Hi, I’m Sylvia. Believe it or not, underneath this dazzling exterior, I’m just a regular person. I put my skirt on two legs at a time. Being a Notary may seem glamorous. At least if you’re Amish. But when you get down to it, it’s a lot of hard work. You have to show up for appointments, follow instructions, and deal with a lot of egos.

HOST: So, Sylvia, what was one of the worst moments you have had as a Notary?

SYLVIA: Since we Notaries are always judged by our appearances, the worst experience I had was when I had to refill my stamp’s ink, and it spilled all over my hand and my outfit. I was mortified. The blue ink clashed with my green blouse. Then, at another signing, I had to pretend the signer’s picture ID looked like him before he’d obviously aged from having to carry around such an ugly picture ID. Being a Notary is not all fun and games. There are a lot of hardships.

HOST: That was fascinating. So, what things about you are the same as say — an average person?

SYLVIA: When I get out of my glittering Notary outfit, and take off the professional makeup that I get done in the green room, I’m just a regular person. I go jogging. I have two cats and a small dog. I witness them doing their business on the front lawn. See? A notary’s work is never done. I bake cakes. I do all of the normal things that regular people with no lives do. The only real difference between me and others is that my life is incredibly exciting next to watching paint dry.

HOST: Well, that was very interesting talking to you. And we’ll be back next week with our next episode of “Notaries without Makeup!”

.

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January 13, 2011

Notary Public Cures Lying!

Being economical with our finances is challenging. Being “economical” with the truth is a snap. That’s because fudging a bit is a byproduct of being all too human. But notary publics shine a light on the signed, sealed and delivered un-stretched truth. Imagine if we navigated the half-truths of life with the added assurance a notary would provide? Imagine no more.

· “It’s not you. It’s me.”

Okay… Before we break up and I draw at least some comfort from the fact I had the misfortune of choosing a partner who wasn’t good enough for me instead of vice versa, would you be willing to sign “It’s not you, it’s me” in front of Jeremy, my 123notary.com truth detector?

“Okay, it is you. Where do I sign?”

Oh well. Thanks for lying. Till a couple seconds ago, that is.

· “We’ll keep your résumé on file.”

And I’ll keep my notarized statement in which you promise to keep my résumé on file… on file.

“We’ll keep your résumé in the nearest circular file till the janitor heaves it. That you can notarize.”

Wow. I’ve been canned before, but never garbage canned.

“Your résumé didn’t mention you’d been canned before.”

You actually read my résumé? I’m honored!

“As I was folding it into a paper airplane, I couldn’t help but notice.”

· Billy “likes” this on Facebook.

And Jeremy at 123notary.com likes the fact you like this, once you let him notarize your thumb up.

“Billy likes avoiding work by killing time on Facebook. That you can notarize.”

Thanks, unfriend.

· “You look great.”

You didn’t tell me that sixty years ago when I was twenty. Why should a bunch of liver spots change things? I won’t believe you till 123notary.com makes it official.

“Don’t forget. When you were twenty, my eyesight was still good. That you can notarize.”

Okay. At least you’ll be able to feel the seal.

· “You’re a wonderful cook.”

Thanks. My dog you’re secretly passing the chicken to under the table seems to agree. Would you mind letting 123notary.com seal the deal and paper on which you praise my culinary skills?

“I was talking about the time you cooked up the whopper about how you can cook. That you can notarize.”

Well, you’ll have to come again sometime. I’m talking to the dog.

· “I’ll call you sometime.”

Yes, you will. If I can have Jeremy at 123notary.com notarize your promise to do just that.

“ ‘I’ll call you a name sometime.’ That you can notarize.”

I’ll be sure to return the call.

· “What a great audience.”

Thanks. After Jeremy from 123notary.com notarizes the cue card off of which you read that, I’ll believe you.

“No problem. Come on up, Jeremy.”

Jeremy affixes his official seal to the cue card. The card is so thick, the seal can’t make it all the way through, rendering the audience less than certifiably great. They start booing, further validating why Jeremy’s seal made less than an impression.

Thanks, you’ve been great readers. Jeremy… can you confirm that?

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

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Wheel of Fortune – Notary Edition

WHEEL OF FORTUNE – Notary Edition

Pat: Let’s say hello to our contestants. Joe here is a notary public from Commishigan. Sounds like fascinating work, Joe.

Joe: More than hosting a glorified “Hangman” for over thirty years.

Pat: Ouch. You got me there, Joe. And hello to Marie. It says you are a notary public from Seal Beach. “Seal”. Makes sense. Okay, the puzzle is a 17 letter word. You won the coin toss, Marie. Take a spin.

Marie: Big money! Big money!

Pat: Well, if you’re looking for big money, you picked the wrong profession.

Marie: Cheap shot, Pat.

Pat: Speaking of cheap – $200.

Marie: Any S’s?

Pat: Three S’s. Go again.

Marie: Big money! Big money!

Pat: $450

Marie: X?

Pat: No X’s. Unless you’re signing a document that way. Joe, your turn.

Joe: Big money! Big money!

Pat: $1000!

Joe: Any R’s?

Pat: Two R’s.

Joe: I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat. I mean the one besides how it is Vanna White still has a job.

Pat: That puzzle we’ll never solve.

Joe: “Errors and Emission”.

Pat: Speaking of errors, you just made one, yourself there, Joe. Marie, a break for you.

Marie: I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat. Are there any O’s?

Pat: Three O’s.

Marie: I’d like to solve the puzzle. “Errors and Omission”.

Pat: As in the insurance policy that protects notaries liable for honest mistakes. Joe, too bad you didn’t have it when you made your honest mistake a minute ago.

Joe: Good thing a credible witness didn’t see me make it. Unless you call Vanna “credible.”

Pat: If it involves signaling things with her hands, I do. Especially the profane gesture she’s using right now!

.

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January 11, 2011

The Notary Asylum

The Notary Asylum

We all know what the process is to become a notary — filling out the forms, applying to our Secretary of State, getting our seal, etc. But, what the State Notary Handbook doesn’t tell you is what becomes of Notaries who become crazy as a result of being a Notary.

There are lots of stress-inducers in this business. There are signing companies that don’t pay. Others like to micromanage. Constantly ringing phones, constant excuses for why the money hasn’t arrived when it was supposed to already. These are ingredients for frustration in the sanest of people. Borrowers who want to comb over every page when you’re already late for your next appointment! If our Founding Fathers had dilly-dallied over the signing of the Declaration of Independence as long, they would have told more people than Benjamin Franklin to go fly a kite! Some mistreat their Notaries. Call it Notary Abuse. Some send late eDocuments or send you to borrowers that aren’t even home and didn’t know they had a signing after they instructed you — “don’t call the borrowers.” Inaccurate or missing information is another recipe for frustration. Rates are often different from what was quoted. So no wonder an increasing rate of Notaries are developing varying signs of insanity. There needs to be a place for Notaries who have lost their documents… and minds. So, we decided to create one. It’s called — The Notary Asylum!

NOTARY #1: I run SnapDocs

NOTARY #2: No I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: I think that both of you have a share in SnapDocs.

NOTARY #1: No, he doesn’t — I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: Last week you said you ran 123notary

NOTARY #1: Well that was last week. This week I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: You seem agitated. That’s not a good sign.

NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

NOTARY #2: You said “sign.”

NOTARY #1: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: Sorry. Forget about your work. You don’t need me to… the s word… any document. You needn’t get all fired up about it.

NOTARY #2: Speaking of fired, last week I ran the NNA. I fired a lot of people too.

DOCTOR: Well, what does your paperwork say? Do you have documents proving your ownership?

NOTARY #1: I don’t need to.

NOTARY #2: I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid. Shoot Docs never paid me.

DOCTOR: There is no Shoot Docs.

NOTARY #2: Are you going to not pay me as well? You never pay me.

DOCTOR: I am a psychiatric analyst. It is not my job to pay you. The state pays me.

NOTARY #2: Well at least somebody pays somebody around here.

DOCTOR: You’re both fine looking patients.

NOTARY #1: I don’t call paying us compliments paying us.

DOCTOR: I was just giving you my seal of approval.

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: “Seal.” Sorry, I give you my oath…

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: … that I’ll be more careful next time. As for now, I recommend that both of you take a break from… you know. Enjoy something that doesn’t remind you of your… you know.

NOTARY #1: That sounds wonderful.

DOCTOR: I’m releasing the both of you. Fill these prescriptions at your pharmacy. It’ll help you relax.

NOTARY #2: (reading) You forgot to sign it.

DOCTOR and NOTARY #1 and NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

One way to restore your sanity in the notary world: Know that you’re not alone if frustrations sometimes get the better of you. Being aware of what can go wrong can sometimes prepare you to ride out the frustrations when they occur. If you develop a Zen-like attitude and let at least some of it roll off your back, the next time a vendor doesn’t have yours (back, that is) you’ll commit yourself to moving on, not the notary asylum!

.

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January 10, 2011

Russian notary Hacks Hillary’s Emails!

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 6:13 am

FBI director Comey thinks the Russians may have hacked Hilary Clinton’s emails. (And that’s pronounced “Comey,” not “commie.”) And it could very well be a Russian notary! Then again, it might not be a Russian notary. Or it might be somebody who wants you to think he’s a Russian notary. And these could be duplicates of emails Comey has already seen. Comey is sure of one thing. That he’s not sure of this one thing.

Nevertheless, speculation continues that a Soviet notary public has hacked into Clinton’s most sensitive emails. How do we know they’re sensitive? The smiley faces aren’t quite smiling. More like biting their tongues.

Since some of the emails were duplicates, the notary wanted to charge extra for duplicates. (A buck’s a buck, or as the Russian notary put it, a ruble’s a ruble.) But the government refused to pay more, so the notary suggested a nice game of Russian roulette instead. And being a gentleman, he’d let the government “go” first. The notary lived to complain in the 123Notary form about not being paid enough.

A sign it could be a notary who did the hacking: They fixated on one of the terms in one of the emails, “executor,” a person in charge of carrying out the provisions of a will. One sign it could be a Russian notary approved by Putin: Their fixation on “executor” as it relates to a person in charge of causing another person to need a will… namely, the person who executes the other person! Let’s not forget Putin was former member of the KGB.

Hillary’s emails were found on a computer used by her assistant, Huma Abedin, and notorious sexter, Anthony Weiner. The same computer on which Weiner wrote about his no longer private parts to various women. In one email, the Russian notary validated they were indeed Weiner’s private parts, and that he was of full age and capacity to perform as a sleaze by stamping it with his seal of disapproval.

Other classified emails of Hillary’s the Russian notary is interested in… when she accused Trump of being a puppet for Putin. The notary asked which kind of puppet she accused Trump of being, a hand puppet, or marionette? If the latter, the notary wondered why Hillary wouldn’t thereby feel a kinship with the Donald since there are always strings attached with Hillary as well, something the notary had acknowledged in an acknowledgment certificate.

If Hillary becomes president, instead of the Chief Justice witnessing her taking the oath of office, the Russian notary asked why not a professional? Namely, a notary? Plus he’d be able to witness her signature on her first veto – when Republicans in Congress vote to make America grating again.

.

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January 7, 2011

Notary Funeral — When the Commission Expired

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , — admin @ 12:03 pm

NOTARY FUNERAL – WHEN THE COMMISSION EXPIRED

We’re gathered here today to celebrate the life and times of a man who made the world a better place. Since he’s no longer here, I don’t have to swear to that. He first knew he wanted to make a mark on the world when he asked to witness others making marks on pieces of paper. Other kids learned the three Rs. Our friend who we miss so learned the three-kinda-looks-like-Rs-but-better-make-sure-they’re-legible-before-he-definitely-calls-them-Rs. He was accepted as a Navy Seal, but chose to join the Notary Seals. His most dangerous mission – asking for Edward Scissorhands’ signature. He switched from pre-med to pre-notary in college, because he wanted to witness legible handwriting instead of his own horrendous handwriting had he stayed a doctor.

He was a good man who never backdated. He met his dear wife on the notary dating site, affiant.com. His wife tried to get his death certificate notarized, not realizing you can’t notarize vital records. We don’t measure his life in years, but the number of commissions he held, ever since he was of legal age. He signed, sealed, and now he shall be delivered.

Instead of being cremated, he requested to be shredded.

In lieu of flowers, his family requests pens. He never had enough pens.

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