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August 31, 2018

Shark Tank — Notarizing in the shower for executives

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:15 am

ANNOUNCER: Next in the tank is an invention that can help busy time-strapped and soon to be clean executives get notarized in the shower so that they can save time.

FRANK: Greetings, contestants. I am Frank and I’m asking for $500,000 for 10% of my company called Shower Power Notarizations. How many times have you taken a shower and thought, man, I wish I could be multi-tasking while I were here. I wish I could get my such and such notarized. Well now you can, with my brand new Notary in a Tub business model, Shower Power Notarizations — “All the more shower to you.”

At Shower Power Notarizations, we are a service, with specialized dispatching of Notaries, and special patented waterproof Notary seals, documents, pens, and clothing, so that we can shower the executives of the nation with outstanding services while they are in the shower. We cater to the highest ethical standards. But, we do recommend to our clients who engage in fraud to start practicing now — the art of not dropping the soap. We also do jail notarizations, because we want a 10 years to life relationship with our clients, even if they are not the most ethical.

Mr. WONDERFUL: You’re telling me that I have to pay you half a million dollars for the insane hope that someday I make my money back on an invention that allows perverts who watch me take a shower and ask me to sign something afterwards?

FRANK: Well the perverts don’t watch you take a shower, they watch the executives take a shower, and normally the signing happens behind a curtain so that the Notary doesn’t see the signers’ other pen (if you know what I mean). And if it makes you feel any better, we throw in a free rubber ducky with every signing.

ROBERT: So, can I try your invention?

FRANK: Sure, just get into these swimming trunks and hop in. Here’s your notarized document.

ROBERT: I don’t wear trunks when I shower.

MARK CUBAN: Quick, activate the pixelation.

FRANK: Okay, I’m handing you the waterproof Notary journal. Sign here. In our state, they require wet signatures anyway.

ROBERT: Okay, I’m signing the journal and I already signed the document. That’s okay right? By the way, am I signing my life away with that document?

FRANK: No, it’s an affidavit saying that you like Donald Duck.

ROBERT: Well, just as long as it’s not Donald Trump.

FRANK: Okay, I’m stamping the document… Done!!! One minute and forty-three seconds. How is that for saving time in your executive life? Here is your complimentary rubber ducky with our company branding on it.

ROBERT: I’ll let you clean my body, but you’re not going to clean out my bank account. I’m out.

Mr. WONDERFUL: Deactivate the pixelation!

MARK CUBAN: If we buy 10%, could you throw in a few rubber duckies to sweeten the deal? Strike that. Your invention is all wet, in more ways than one. I’m out.

LAURI: I’m sorry to say this, but this is a rare incident where I would have to say — The Notary is a Quack. I call them when they’re zeros, and I call them when they’re heroes. And this one is a hero!

BARBARA: Are you nuts?

LAURI: I could sell this on QVC. We can demonstrate it with you in the shower. But, I’m going to need a lot more equity. 10% doesn’t get me excited.

Mr. WONDERFUL: What about watching Frank naked in a tub? Would that get you more excited?

LAURI: More excited than looking at your naked head.

ROBERT: How are your sales?

FRANK: Year to date, we have been flooded with orders and none of our overhead went down the drain. We grossed four million our first year. You cannot underestimate the severe time depravity and time poverty of executives. Saving them even one minute will make their day. These people all have assistants that make more than $100,000 per year by their side who will vouch for that fact. We sell to people who have more money than time with a very specialized service with a very high profit margin and strong popularity. Don’t throw cold water on us just yet.

LAURI: I’m going to make you an offer, Frank. But, I want a lot more equity. I’ll give you the $500,000, but I want 50% of your business.

ROBERT: Shazam!!! She’s really throwing out the baby with the bathwater, Frank.

Mr. WONDERFUL: This is the biggest nothing burger I ever saw. You should take it back behind the barn and shoot it.

FRANK: You don’t have to get all in a lather about it.

Mr. WONDERFUL: I’m out.

FRANK: Okay, 50% is a little steep.

LAURI: Do you have a counter?

FRANK: I stick to bathrooms not kitchens, so I don’t have much of a counter. But, how about 25%.

LAURI: No, I have to stay at 50, it’s going to be a lot of work getting this out there.

FRANK: I don’t like your conditioner… I mean conditions. I’m out.

LAURI: You can’t be out, only we can say I’m out.

FRANK: This whole experience has left me feeling dirty. I’m going home to take a shower.

.

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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do.

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfulness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you disserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that?

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

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Notary Public 101 — Scenarios: Hospital signing issues

Filed under: Technical & Legal — Tags: — admin @ 6:48 am

Have you ever done a signing in a hospital? You should be prepared, because one day you might do it. There are many issues that come up in hospital signings. First of all, it is common to have to decline service because the signer has been medicated, or has lost their mind. As a Notary, you should be aware that you can easily be subpoenaed for hospital signings as it is common for people to not remember what they signed and for people to try to take advantage, so be cautious.

As a Notary you need to be able to gauge the situation over the phone before you commit to coming, and once again gauge the situation once you are in front of the signers. The person who calls you to come to the hospital is almost never the signer, but usually a family member, Attorney, or scam artist.

Confirming the appointment.
Have your contact person read the name as it appears on the ID, and the expiration date (the expiration date of the card, or the patient, whichever comes first). Then, have the contact person read how the name appears on the document. Not only are you checking if names match, but if they even have an ID, know where it is, and have their document all ready. Confirm that they will not be medicated before you come and make sure the nurses know that the notary job is off if they medicate at all.

Once at the appointment.
Get travel fees at the door. Otherwise you will have a beneficial interest (in my opinion) in having the document signed. When you meet the signer, you can ask them questions about the document being signed. Don’t ask yes/no questions. Ask questions that make them explain the document to you. You can also make small talk about how you love what President Clinton did yesterday. If they are on the ball, they will know that President Clinton is no longer in office. You need effective ways to screen out people on morphine and those who have lost their mind. You should also ask if they have been medicated in the last twelve hours.

Comments
It is not your job to decide who gets morphine and when. However, if a signer does get medicated, let the contact person know that you will walk off with their travel fee as you do not dare notarize a medicated person who is not fully conscious, especially on a Power of Attorney.

.

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July 27, 2018

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries. The Notary Dance

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Popular on Twitter — Tags: — admin @ 11:33 am

Our last Black vs. White was really more about Asian parents vs. White parents and how white parents don’t make their kids study enough. That made white people very upset. Don’t be upset — just have your kids study harder. But, all the offensive comments… are they really necessary? The reason I write this type of blogs is that they get a lot of clicks. This is what people want to read about. It excites them. You know what they say — get your clicks on route 66. If you don’t want me writing about this type of subject matter, then click on something educational like our Notary Public 101 course or other tutorials.

WEEZY: George, I really think that Florence should become a Notary.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Flo? She doesn’t know nothing about paperwork, or any kind of work for that matter.

WEEZY: I think it would be good if she knew some other types of ways to expand her horizons. But, I’m worried. What if she makes a mistake and costs a business owner thousands?

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Mistake? That ain’t nothing to worry about. How can you make a mistake if you don’t do anything?

TERRENCE: Personally, I think the Notary industry is racist.

WEEZY: How’s that?

TERRENCE: Have you ever noticed that you always sign a white document with black ink? There’s a whole lot more white than there is black.

SEINFELD: I never thought of that before. Why not have a black document signed with white ink?

KRAMER: Why not invisible ink, that you can only see with a special light! (rubbing his hands together)

FLO: I think that Notaries should have their own special Notarial dance.

SEINFELD: I like the idea, but how would I make a joke about that… let me think…

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Most Notaries that I’ve seen are white. The idea of a white person doing any type of a dance is a joke in itself.

SEINFELD: (nodding head) yeah, that’s right. Unless it is some sort of a Jewish dance. Our people excel at dancing, but only if it is in a circle. The minute we have to dance standing still or in a line, the whole thing just falls apart.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: The only reason your people know how to dance, is that they got plenty of practice while living in Africa and even more practice while running away from the Pharoah.

SEINFELD: I disagree. Running away from Pharoah was running in a particular direction — East. Our people just like to go in circles. Circular dances, circular reasoning, circuitous logic, etc. It gets you absolutely nowhere, but it’s so much fun if you don’t get dizzy.

FLO: I get dizzy just looking at reruns of my big fat Jewish Wedding. The whole thing where they lift the guy up in a chair into the air singing Le Chaim. I can get Le Chaim on sale downt he street every Thursday. I don’t see what the big deal is.

SITTING CROW: I like Jewish Pow Wow plenty good. But, they need better drum.

(The next day, Tom the white guy on the Jeffersons married to a black lady talks about his dream)

TOM WILLIS: I had this terrible dream last night.

FLO: What was it about?

TOM WILLIS: It was about Notaries.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Was it about white men and black women doing a whole lot more than just holding hands and singing cumbaya?

TOM WILLIS: No, that came BEFORE the dream before I went to sleep. I’ll spare you the details.

FLO: I bet it was about white Notaries TRYING to dance.

TOM WILLIS: Actually, that was exactly what it was about. How did you know?

FLO: Oh, just a hunch.

TOM WILLIS: It all started out with a lot of suspense, just like the suspense that Helen and I had not knowing what gender our baby would be…

GEORGE JEFFERSON: And not knowing what color he would be!

TOM WILLIS: Well what happened was that 123notary created a video about a Notary dance that went viral on youtube… well that’s something that hasn’t been invented yet, but will be soon according to my psychic that Helen doesn’t know about and who’s rates are very reasonable by the way… please don’t tell Helen. In any case after the video came out, Notaries throughout the USA started doing the Notary dance. The dance was created to make Notaries feel happier, but it divided Notaries along racial lines because the black Notaries thought that the white Notaries weren’t doing the dance well enough. In fact, People started hiring Notaries based on their dancing skills and white Notaries got mad because they were disporportionally left out. They started an online riot and burned down half of Linked In. I’m not sure how this works because it all happens in the distant future.

SEINFELD: Why would anyone want to hire a Notary who danced? It doesn’t make sense. I can see the pen doing a dance, but the Notary? Most Notaries are crotchety people in their fifties and sixties. This whole dancing thing just doesn’t gel with me.

SITTING CROW: Our people have a Notary dance. But, we only do it wearing a wolf outfit which is made out of a wolf head and skin that we killed many years ago.

TOM WILLIS: It’s such a shame that people become divided so easily over race. It just divides society in half.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: And it might divide certain marriages in half as well!

WEEZY: I just can’t figure out why Notaries start an online riot, whatever that means, when somebody says something that bothers them. Can’t they just talk things over in a civil way like George and I… okay, bad example.

SEINFELD: And last time Jeremy posted his Black vs. White article on facebook about the Notary manual, people had an online riot and posted hundreds of angry and hateful comments about it when the article was not disrespectful at all. What gives? They could have a polite way of voicing their opinions instead of having a riot all throughout Facebook, Linked In, and whatever online networks will be created in a decade or two.

FLO: Or three. It’s the seventees where we are — at least for now. We’ll have to work our way into the 2000’s.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Yeah, that’s the key word…. work! If it requires work, you’ll never get there!

.

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May 25, 2018

Psych episode — busting the Russian Mafia with help of a Notary.

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:06 am

Psych Episode — custom’s agent is dead, but who is the killer?

SHAWN: We have a new assignment. But, we might need Lassie’s help.

GUS: I hate working with him, that arrogant prick.

SHAWN: But, we need him. We work well together. A custom’s agent is dead. It is up to us to find the killer. But, it’s still unclear how he died and who killed him if anyone.

(Shawn and Gus go to see Woody for the autopsy)

WOODY: Still working on it. Oh, wait.

SHAWN: Wait a second (putting finger to his head), I’m getting something. Yes, I’m definitely getting something. The spirits are telling me something. The custom’s agent did not die peacefully… he was injected with something, but what?

WOODY: Here it is. His inner thigh has needle marks. He could have been poisoned. I’ll have to send a sample to the lab.

GUS: Meanwhile, we need to investigate. We need to know who the last several people were to have seen Mike Williams, the custom’s agent.

(three hours later after seeing some police investigation files)

SHAWN: The last person to see the custom’s agent was Anatoly Kruscionov, a known mafia henchman. My senses are telling me he is the killer.

GUS: Don’t you mean Kruschevnov?

SHAWN: No, it’s Kruscionov.

GUS: Shawn, I’m pretty sure it’s Kruschevnov, I know the name..

SHAWN: What are you eating?

GUS: Cheeze bits.

SHAWN: They look more like Cheetos.

GUS: That’s because that’s what you want to eat right now. It’s psychosematic.

SHAWN: No, you’re psychosematic.

GUS: I am not!

SHAWN: Are too!

LASSITER: Gentlemen. May I disrupt your valuable dialogue here for a moment? Anatoly Kruscionov is leaving the country in three hours. We absolutely have to get to his office before his limo picks him up. We haven’t a minute to spare.

(all three get in the car and rush to Anatoly’s office)

NOTARY: Now, please sign my journal right here? Hey, why are you looking at the other entries?

ANATOLY: I was only staring at the page. (jotting something down)

NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, what’s your sign?

ANATOLY: Me, I am Leo.

NOTARY: That’s not what your ID says, It says you were born in January — busted!!!!

ANATOLY: Hey you try to trick me. But, now I know address of guy who cheated me, I learned from your Notary journal, you lousy backstabbing Notary.

LASSITER: We are from the Santa Barbara Police Department and have a few questions for you.

ANATOLY: First of all, get out of here you lousy Notary. No travel fee for you. Next, Mr. Lassiter, I would love to speak to you, but I want to speak to Mr. Shawn Spencer…. alone.

SHAWN: Sorry, I never go anywhere without my sidekick Mr. Spock.

GUS: I’m not Spock, for the last time, my name is… Oh… Actually, who are we dealing with here. Hi, I’m Nelson Spock, pleased to meet you.

ANATOLY: (sends Lassiter out of room and locks the door.) Why do you fools chase me? Do you not know I am dangerous man?

SHAWN: We know, that’s why we came to see you. Danger excites us. We know that after you had a confrontation with Mike Williams, he ended up dead. You know, the custom’s officer. Could it be that he knew something about your operation that you did not want him to know?

ANATOLY: What operation?

SHAWN: Could it be that the twenty kilograms of heroine that are to be delivered in three days were discovered by Mike?

ANATOLY: How do you know this? That’s not supposed to come in for a week. Who told you?

GUS: You just did!

SHAWN: Busted!!!!

ANATOLY: You guys are dead. You tricked me. You and that Notary. Ugh… Now we play a little game. Put this gun to your head and pull trigger, otherwise my boys kills you.

SHAWN: He, this guy wants us to play Russian Roulette.

GUS: It’s not Russian Roulette unless the gun is a six shooter with one bullet in it. You don’t know how many bullets are in the gun.

SHAWN: Well if you don’t know how many bullets are in the gun, then it is Ukranian Show Down.

GUS: There’s no such thing as Ukranian Show Down!

SHAWN: Yes there is, I was reading about this online.

GUS: But, it’s not the same thing if someone has a gun to your head. Technically it’s still Russian Roulette

SHAWN: Is not!

GUS: Is too, and that’s a far cry away from Siberian roulette which is a very different variation…

ANATOLY: ENOUGH!!!!!!! You two are idiots. But, you will be dead soon. Put gun to head… absolutnye idiot!!! Suca blatt!!!

(ring-ring)

SHAWN: Hey Woody, what’s up?

WOODY: It turns out that Mike was not murdered after all. He was a drug addict and he overdosed on regular morphene. There are no other drugs in his system. Unless the killer knew he took morphene and wanted to make it look like an overdose.

SHAWN: Woody, we’re being held at gunpoint here, now is not a good time to….

ANATOLY: Enough!!!

SHAWN: We just found out that you are not the killer.

ANATOLY: I kill you any way.

(meanwhile Carlton Lassiter called for back up)

(HUGE CRASH — SBPD busts in)

LASSITER: Put your hands in the air. We have the place surrounded.

JULIET: No not you Shawn. Get over here.

SHAWN: Sorry, just an instinctive reflex.

NOTARY: Oh my God, look at all of the commotion. I would like to report that man. He is a very bad man and has a fake ID.

SHAWN: Oh, can you notarize something for Woody? An Affidavit of Autopsy?

NOTARY: I would, but my journal is being confiscated by the Secretary of State. They want to know about the criminal I notarized earlier today and also they think I am not keeping proper records.

JULIET: Let me see this… Oh my God? You didn’t put the document date? Such sloppy work. No wonder you are in trouble.

SHAWN: Hey Juliet, you aren’t supposed to look at that. It is under the exclusive care of the notary and must be kept under lock and key.

GUS: How come you know so much about Notary work.

SHAWN: I read, plus it’s always been an interest of mine. I heard that Notaries get to do jobs for interesting characters, many of whom are criminals like Johnny that British bloke we visited in jail.

GUS: The one who you imitated who knows where you live.

SHAWN: Good point. Maybe I should just stick to what I’m doing. And a tip for the Notary. Don’t go immediately home after this.

NOTARY: Why not, are Anatoly’s guys following me?

GUS: I think they are following all of us.

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You might also like:

Psych Episode about a Notary. Did the body die from food poisoning or was it murder?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19397

Flashpoint – Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18798

Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

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May 3, 2018

Letter to Florida Notary Division

Filed under: Florida Notary — Tags: — admin @ 10:13 am

Dear Florida Notary Division,
I run 123notary and am constantly made aware of the sloppy behavior of the Notaries that you commission. I will remind you that the purpose in having Notaries Public in the first place is to ensure the integrity of transactions done via signed documents. The Notary makes sure the correct person signed the document, fills out forms, keeps records, administers Oaths, and upholds the law regarding Notary Public. Based on my quiz results for many Florida Notaries: Florida Notaries do not normally keep proper records, rarely administer correct Oaths, and do not have a clear idea of the laws affecting their work in many cases. Below are my comments and suggestions.

1. Journal Thumbprints.
A journal thumbprint is a piece of biometric evidence that Notaries should keep in their journal. The reason is that the FBI can catch identity thieves that steal people’s assets a lot more easily with thumbprints. Florida recommends against Notaries keeping thumbprints which essentially stifles the FBI. Florida is afraid that the Notaries will not be reputable custodians of biometric data and therefore recommends that they do not take the evidence to begin with. This tells me that the following MIGHT be true:

(a) Florida might desperately want to assist identity thieves in having open season in Florida, and wants to make sure that identity thieves not only can defraud hard working citizens, but that the rights to privacy of identity thieves will be honored at the expense of the safety of society, borrowers, signers, and Notaries by recommending against taking journal thumbprints. Ludicrous! The State of Florida might want to make sure that identity thieves will be protected from being caught and wants to deter the justice system from having adequate evidence to book these very dangerous white collar criminals.

(b) Florida commissions Notaries in a position of trust and integrity equivalent to that of police, attorneys, judges and government workers, yet doesn’t trust them to safeguard a thumbprint. Either you trust them or you shouldn’t commission them. Maybe you should spend more time figuring out who is trustworthy and who is not. Since 90% of your Notaries cannot administer an Oath correctly (which is the notarial equivalent of tying your shoes), I would consider weeding your database of the Notaries who refuse to know how to do their job. Or you could resort to actually training your Notaries and screening them a little better.

(c) The State of Florida is confused and doesn’t realize how stupid they are being by safeguarding society’s most dangerous criminals by discouraging Notaries from keeping journals and taking journal thumbprints. Discouraging journal thumb printing is similar in essence to discouraging wearing seat belts or condoms. Notaries might not get Aids, or break their ribs, but they could end up in court or jail as a result of this stupidity.

2. Journals
For the Notary’s safety, their notarial journal is their only hard evidence in court of what they did as a Notary on a particular date, or assignment as well as what they did NOT do should their seal be stolen, copied, or forged. By not requiring a journal for notarial acts you are endangering the public, Notaries, and their clients. There are many types of crimes that can be committed without a paper trail since you don’t require journals. The Notaries you have commissioned are mostly very lazy and negligent people who would prefer to spent an hour arguing with me about how journals aren’t required by their state so that they can save a few minutes each time they commit a Notary act. By not requiring journals you are encouraging people to be reckless. Additionally, one might argue that you as a state and as Notaries for that state are aiding and abetting criminals by not keeping proper records of highly sensitive transactions.

I give these Notaries the lecture about how California requires seat belts where India does not require having or wearing a seat belt in your vehicle. If you get into an accident in India, will you be any less injured since seat belts aren’t legally required? If an identity thief imposters you in Florida and steals the equity out of someones’ apartment complex, will you be in any less in trouble with the FBI in Florida simply because your state is too foolish to require you to keep adequate evidence of all transactions?

The reality is that the FBI has investigated many of the Notaries listed on 123notary.com. Many of the Notaries kept thumbprints in their journal which was a huge boon to the FBI. However, I heard that those without proper evidence are routinely accused of collaborating with frauds. Does the State of Florida really want their Notaries ending up in court or jail simply because they are too stubborn or stupid to require a simple journal? Millions of dollars of assets are on the line in each day of Notary work doing loan signings and you don’t even require a single record of the transactions conducted? Even third world countries are not this foolish.

Summary

My suggestions are as follows:

1. Be more careful appointing Notaries. Give preference to those who have held government jobs or highly responsible jobs in the past.

2. Have an IQ test and a meticulousity test to make sure Notaries are logical enough to make legal distinctions necessary to perform the duties of Notary Public. Many errors Notaries make are due to logic errors and scrambled thinking. Notaries also need to show they are adept at conducting themselves in a step by step manner doing paperwork otherwise they will not do good work filling out their Notary forms. You should test this before you put them through school otherwise you will be wasting their time.

3. Have a two day live seminar with hands on training. One day is not enough in my experience.

4. Test on Notary laws as well as on hands on procedure

5. Require Notarial journals and orthodox journal entry creation which means one entry per person per document notarized and no short cuts.

6. Require Journal thumbprints for Deeds affecting real property, Powers of Attorney, and transactions done with Credible Identifying Witnesses.

7. Check up on your notaries from time to time to make sure they are maintaining proper legal standards for your state.

8. Have a minimum fee of $25 per appointment for Notaries public plus $25 minimum travel fee as well as a minimum waiting fee for hospital, jail and other jobs that require more than ten minutes of waiting. Travel fees should be paid in cash at the door by law to discourage clients from manipulating the notary into committing illegal acts under the duress that the Notary will not be paid his/her travel fee if he/she doesn’t cooperate in some illegal act. Higher fees will give you a higher supply of higher level people which will be helpful when you weed out the incompetent Notaries in your state.

9. If you have fewer Notaries in the state, it will be easier to keep an eye on them. I recommend having roughly 25% of your current number of Notaries to ensure adequate quantity without sacrificing on quality!

Thank you
sincerely,
Jeremy Belmont
123notary manager

You might also like:

A Notary from Florida travels to India
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19636

An identity fraud case in Florida with 123 defendants
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19449

Letter to California notary division
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19939

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April 17, 2018

How often do Notaries end up in court?

Filed under: Technical & Legal — Tags: — admin @ 10:24 am

Notaries can end up in court for a variety of reasons. If the person you notarized used a fake ID and you did not thumbprint them, you are likely to end up in court. If a borrower is suing the Lender and wants to sue all involved, you could end up in trouble. If you explain something poorly and the signer feels you are denying a legitimate request for service and they miss a deadline and experience a loss — you can end up in court.

Here are some ways to increase your likelihood of ending up in court:

1. Not keeping a journal
2. Doing hospital or elder notarizations (even if you are cautious)
3. Not taking journal thumbprints
4. Not explaining notary requirements clearly to irate customers who will lose big bucks if you refuse them service.
5. Doing a notarization for someone who happens to be in a court building at the time of notarization (sorry, bad example.)

So, bad communication and record keeping skills are the prime reason people get in legal trouble as a Notary.

One in seven full-time Notaries who we have spoken to (rough estimate) have ended up in court at least once. Having good records makes it a lot easier for judges and investigators. So, when we ask you to keep a journal, we are not doing that just to put another burden on you. It is for safety reasons — your safety and the public’s safety.

If someone copies your seal and impersonates you the notary and notarizes something, if you don’t have a journal of what you actually did in real life every day — then you will not be able to prove to a judge that you did not notarize that phony notarization and you can get in trouble or even end up in jail. So, if you don’t like jail, keep a journal. That is a far fetched worst case scenario, but you could get in bad trouble. So, keep a journal even if your state says you don’t have to because the FBI doesn’t play games and neither should you. And FBI is FEDERAL and they work in all states regardless of whether your state requires a journal.

.

You might also like:

13 ways to get sued as a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19614

10 risks to being a Mobile Notary Public
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19459

The FBI is at your door and names you as a suspect!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20013

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April 2, 2018

The ID Says John Smith

Filed under: Technical & Legal — Tags: — admin @ 10:56 am

Q. The name on the ID says John Smith, but the typed name in the document says John W Smith… Can you notarize the signature under these circumstances?

A. You can have him sign John Smith and notarize him as John Smith. The might not wash with the Lender but looks legal. Or, have him sign John W Smith, but put only John Smith in the Acknowledgment. That way you are ONLY certifying the name he proved to you was really his.

Other things you could do…
Ask for other ID. If they don’t have it, if your state allows credible witnesses, use them to identify the signer. You can always notarize the signer based on his name on the ID regardless of the typed name on the document. The Lender might not like that, but your main job is to please the law.

For the most part, signers will have identifications that are thorough enough to use for purposes of notarization. However, it is possible that an ID will have a name that is either shorter, or that doesn’t match the name on the document. Notaries scramble the requirements for positive identification. There is the “you can have more than but not less than” rule. More than what? Less than what? This is a bad rule to learn because it gets scrambled more than not. Here are some basic principles:

1. You can always over sign (Lender principle)
This is a Lender or Title requirement, not a law. The law does not say anything about over signing in anything I have ever read. If the document says John Smith and the signer signs John W Smith, that might be okay with the Lender, but it might not be acceptable to notarize. Your job as a Notary is NOT to please Lenders, but to notarize people who you have positively identified. If the ID says John Smith then you can notarize the signer as John Smith prudently, but nothing longer than that.

2. The name on the document must be provable based on government issued photo identification.
I will not go over the particulars of an acceptable ID, and some of the particulars are state specific. As a general rule, a state issued photo ID card, driver license, passport or military ID are fine for a Notary to accept. If the ID says John William Smith and the document says John Smith, then you are fine, but if the ID name is shorter then you cannot prudently use it to identify the signer. If the ID says John Smith, but the signature on the document says John W Smith, you cannot prudently notarize that name even if the Lender says it’s okay. The Lender is not your boss, the laws of your state’s state notary division are, so obey the right entity, and stay out of jail.

3. You cannot use an AKA statement
A Signature Affidavit with AKA statement is not an acceptable primary or secondary ID. As a Notary you cannot use it to identify a signer ever. It is for the lender only.

If I ask you if it is prudent to notarize a signature that says John W Smith when the ID says John Smith, if you make me repeat myself, scramble the scenario, or quote some dumb rule that doesn’t apply in this situation such as point one in this article, you will not only get the question wrong, but get marked up for having poor communication skills. This is a yes or no question, please answer it accordingly.

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You might also like:

Notary Public 101 — Identification
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19507

The 30 Point Course – a free loan signing course on our blog
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14233

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March 20, 2018

Notary Marketing 102 — The Top of Your Notes

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — admin @ 7:51 am

Return to the Notary Marketing 102 Notes Tutorial

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1. TOP — Selling Points & Experience
A good notes section should start out by mentioning some quick points about why someone would want to hire you. Here are some points that do well in the top section:

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Number of Loans Signed – Most Notaries hide behind their years of experience. But, the Title companies want to know how many loans first as years is not a definitive metric of how much actual experience you have. What if you signed ten loans per year for ten years, that is only 100 loans. If you have thirty or more years of experience, list it in a format such as: Notary since 1985.

Jail & Hospital Signings — Many people need service in unusual places, so if you are specializing in jails and hospitals, you should mention this at the top of your notes.

100 Mile Radius — In remote areas, people need service far from where you live. If you offer this service with a smile, you will attract a lot more business.

eSignings — Listing unusual services makes you look highly skilled, and will attract specific types of work.

Hours — If you are a 24/7 Notary or a night owl, let the world know this first, because a lot of people need help at night and the other Notaries probably don’t want to be bothered.

Languages — Spanish and Vietnamese are the most demanded languages. But, if you speak another language, put that up top so people will know right away. If you speak Spanish, it is better to claim to be “bilingual” as it carries positive cultural connotations.

Specific Experience — Mention specific types of financial packages or documents that you are accustomed to signing. If a client has that exact package they might be more likely to call you first.

Catchy Phrase — Sometimes a catchy phrase about yourself, your business or service can win the game. Often it is a one-liner that is artfully phrased and catches people’s attention. Don’t bore them with fluff, dazzle them with class!

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LINK: Buzzwords to avoid in your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19054

LINK: What NOT to put at the top of your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19056

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Examples:

EFFECTIVE
24/7 service; 8500 loans signed; last minute signings; Bilingual; Experienced with Modifications, eSignings, REO, Time Shares, Refinances, VA, FHA, 1sts, 2nds, and Helocs.

Commentary
The effective top of your notes section stresses time of availability, level of experience you can really put your finger on (# of loans is a better analytic than years because the reader could assume that you did very few loans per year for ten years which is not impressive.) “Last minute signings” is a great phrase because many notaries do not like to be bothered at the last minute. Unusual types of financial packages are also good to list and this section lists ten types of packages. I would stop at twelve types of packages per paragraph to avoid overload.

HORRIBLE
I have been a notary for twelve years and know my way around the business. I am responsible and know everything I need to know. NNA certified.

Commentary
The horrible top of your notes section commentary lists years which is bad because you don’t know what quantity of actual work was done per year. There is some bragging and self-promotion which I called “inexpensively bought credibility” which carries no weight because it is self-verified credibility. Then there is the NNA certification which is not a selling feature as almost all Notaries on 123notary are NNA Certified. You have to mention what makes you different and better, rather than what makes you average.

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March 15, 2018

Notary Marketing 102 — Notary Advertising

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — Tags: , , , , , — admin @ 7:36 am

Return to Notary Marketing 102 Contents

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The state of Notary advertising is always changing. Sites go up and down in popularity, and change their policies and business models. 2018 is no exception to this rule. The most popular several sites have changed a little bit in the last few years. Here is my current analysis of the various popular sites.

Also Read:
The State of Notary Advertising in 2016

How much should a Notary spend on advertising?

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123notary.com – for the best quality notaries!
123notary leads the pack in terms of attracting the highest quantity of work from higher paying Title & Escrow companies. The reason for this is that 123notary has higher quality standards than any other site. 123notary offers many sophisticated and practical search filters as well. Search by city, county, zip or state and filter for hospital jobs, languages, certified notaries, and more options as well.

Self-praising Notaries who think they know everything are rudely awakened by Jeremy’s quizzes to the fact that their knowledge doesn’t cut it in the industry and that they need to study more. Quality control involves making people regularly log in to their listing, keep their notes updated, study and prove their knowledge. The result of this constant attention to quality is a far higher quality and consistency of search results on 123notary. Notaries who like the idea of constantly improving their knowledge will most likely love 123notary. Those who are anti-knowledge and anti-responsibility might not.

123notary requires all Notaries to log in to their listing every 120 days and also to maintain a good notes section and get a 70% on a Notary Quiz administered by phone or a higher grade if administered by email. 123notary realizes that nobody is perfect and we have to be flexible with our requirements, but we want to deliver the best possible search to the users, and this is why we stress quality control.

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Snapdocs.com — an upcoming star
Snapdocs attracts the greatest volume of signings of any directory, but the pay is normally very very low. They have great technology and great search algorithms. The downside is that their Notaries are mostly of a very poor quality. Notaries on Snapdocs normally get paid lower than any other site. However, there are a few who are able to negotiate good fees. I know some of those Notaries personally, and they merit better fees. If you want to get paid well, please consider adapting your knowledge and professionalism to merit good fees. Please also consider that certain directories attract a higher volume of jobs with high fees.

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NotaryRotary.com — a good directory that is slowly losing steam
I would estimate that Notary Rotary is getting roughly 10% of the market share of signings and signings from that site are in all price ranges based on what I have heard. Notary Rotary used to be a big contender in the Notary industry. More recently, according to what I have heard, people are getting less and less work from them in 2018. Notary Rotary has a higher quality of Notaries than most sites and caters to finding Notaries in order of proximity which is helpful. Their fees for sign up are reasonable and they have great Notary supplies, insurance and a popular forum.

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NotaryCafe.com
Notary Cafe has been around for decades and has always attracted some business. The format of their site has changed over the years. I would estimate they get about 5% of the market share for signings. Notary Cafe has a search algorithm which seems to integrate proximity, and how recently you logged into your listing. It is well organized. However, the quality of the Notaries is not as good as 123notary or Notary Rotary.

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SigningAgent.com
The NNA runs SigningAgent.com and this site has the highest quantity of Notaries of any other directory. However, the overall quality of the Notaries on their site is inconsistent. This site is maintained well and has great search features, filters for edocuments, certification, and a flexible radius. Many Notaries like to advertise on this site, but the volume of business it attracts is limited.

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Google Local
In addition to marketing on purely Notary sites, many notaries do well advertising on Google Local. Google Local will get you nearby customers for all types of Notary work.

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Other Online Advertising
Yelp, and online Yellow Pages. If you want to do paid listings on online yellow pages, start with a small investment and see what rate of return you get before investing a lot; otherwise you might not get any return on a larger investment. I am unaware of how successful Yelp is, but some Notaries do get work from them, and the reviews really attract business to your listing.

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Manual Promotion
It is wise to call Title companies and give them your information. You can also contact hospitals, convalescent homes, Real Estate offices, law offices, jails, people who visit jails, and anyone else who might need a Notary. Handing out cards to strangers, customers, and office-mates of customers is a very effective marketing technique. Some Notaries have price sheets which is fine, but the most important is a business card.

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Summary
So, whom should you advertise with? Start with 123notary and Snapdocs. But, maintaining your listings is as important as who you advertise with. So, read the other sections of this course to learn how to optimize your listings and say the right things to attract the best clients.

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