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June 23, 2017

Your Highness or My Highness? Notaries in the Age of Pot

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:47 am

Your Highness or My Highness? Notaries in the Age of Pot

Warning — you might get high smoking this… I mean reading this document. How’s that for the pot calling the kettle black?

Putting words like Felon or Marijuana in a blog title is excellent, because those are great buzzwords, especially when the blog is about marijuana or other substances that get you buzzed.

I live in Los Angeles where I inhale a regular amount of second hand marijuana smoke just walking down the street. People think it’s okay to do drugs in public here. Maybe because it’s “legal,” that makes it okay. I don’t know if those micro-doses are good for me or not, but it might calm me down. It’s stressful dealing with 7000 irate Notaries every day.

Yesterday, a Supreme Court Justice ruled in favor of allowing Notaries to smoke marijuana while performing official Notary acts. What a stupid ruling — he must have been high when he made that decision. If you hire a Notary who smokes pot and he asks for a form of identification, don’t ask for his too. He’s paranoid enough that you might be a cop. Legal or not, old fears never die. Also be sure you bring munchies for when he’s finished, assuming the second-hand smoke doesn’t make you forget you brought munchies.

Some people claim that smoking marijuana increases your intelligence or makes you more creative. Michelangelo didn’t have to smoke pot. The air up there at the Sistine Chapel was high enough. I can see how pot could open channels in your brain, a la the ones in my cable package I never watch. However, being a Notary is more about keeping channels narrow, obeying the narrow word of the law, and making sure your signers do too.

Another point of view, is that some of the Notaries these days are so dumb that smoking marijuana would probably make for an improvement. Would it make them smart enough to realize they’re dumb when they aren’t smoking pot? I’ll smoke some pot and get back to you on that.

Finally, most Notaries are so resistant to studying loan signing and taking our test that a little toke of Mary Jane might get them through this arduous endeavor. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the high pressure sodium lights in your closet.

Speaking of the relaxing of legal barriers, a left-wing judge ruled in favor of no longer banning felons from becoming Notaries as that constitutes an unfair type of discrimination. (Not to be confused with a fair type of discrimination, rejecting people on dating sites who aren’t cute enough.) So, don’t be surprised if the next time you have a loan signing, an ex-gang banger from MS13 shows up with a shaved head, neck tattoos, and a few bullet holes in his shoulder and asks you to sign his journal. Next thing you know, that ex-gang banger might find it possible to become a Supreme Court Justice — after all, banning him would be discrimination. Unless he’s nominated in the final year of a Democratic President’s term. In which case, the only banging will be the head of the government’s head against the wall as Republicans refuse to meet with the ex-gang banger. But enough politics. This second-hand buzz is giving me the munchies.

.

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Notarizing a marijuana ballot. Guess how the Notary got paid?
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Best virtual comedy compilation updated to 2018
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Jane the Virgin Notary
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April 7, 2017

The Noterator

There was a sudden rash of bad Notaries in America and nobody knew what to do. But, at the Secretary of State’s office, they had the solution. Since there was no way to bust each bad Notary one by one, they created a machine that could sense a bad Notary a mile away and terminate him. This machine was called, the Noterator.

NOTERATOR: Did you back date that document?

NOTARY: No, I swear I didn’t.

NOTERATOR: Hasta la vista — baby. (boom!!!)

A group of Notaries near by saw what happened and decided to run. The Noterator caught up with them and told them not to make any more fraudulent notarizations otherwise they would be in trouble. But, this group of Notaries didn’t listen. Fraud was so embedded in their personalities they couldn’t help themselves. Two of the Notaries got involved in a scheme to cheat someone out of their house by falsifying a Grant Deed. The next thing they knew…

NOTERATOR: I’m back!!!

NOTARY #1: How did you find us?

NOTERATOR: I always find bad Notaries. I can small them.

NOTARY #2: So are you going to terminate us?

NOTERATOR: I can’t read the document because it’s not written in Austrian. Just kidding. You falsified a Deed of Trust and Grant Deed. You’re coming with me. The Noterator grabbed both Notaries by their collar and put them in Notary jail.

NOTARY #1: We might be in jail, but at least we are safe from the Noterator here.

NOTERATOR: You thought wrong! (boom!!!!!!)

In the end, Notary #1’s commission was not the only thing that expired. A word of advice. Don’t mess with the noterator!

.

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Notarization in The Trang
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Notary Space Station — In Space, Nobody can Hear You Sign
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March 31, 2017

Secretary of State hacked by Russians!

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 8:06 am

Some of the Russian mischief-makers who allegedly hacked the election were fresh out of school and hacked the California Secretary of State’s Notary Division by accident, because their English not incredible good. These hackers deleted the files of a handful of prominent Notaries statewide making them “ghost Notaries.” Their commissions were real, but there were no database records anymore. Fortunately, the Sec of State keeps backup records in paper for every Notary in the state, so with much labor, they were able to recreate their records.

On a more humorous note, Hillary Trump became a commissioned California Notary when she is not even a resident here. Considering California gave her a huge popular vote win, she thought it was the least she could do, then realized deleting her acknowledgment certificates was the least she could do. Ivanka Trump became an eNotary due to the hacking attack. She was sorry the Russians didn’t hack off the “k” in her name while they were at it, but has learned to live with a weird one like “Ivanka.” If you call living in tacky gold overpriced real estate “living.” And Vladimir Putin got the control panels to approve residents with felonies to get commissioned as Notaries in exchange for some spying favors — and only if they say he looks buff with his shirt off riding a horse . What started out as a failed hacking attempt became a travesty of justice!

The official new rates for California Notarizations are:

Acknowledgments — 1 pint of vodka
Jurats — 2 pints, but you have to swear that it’s the best vodka in town.
Sworn Oaths — Just swear you can walk in a straight line — or sign in a straight line.
Depositions — You can’t drink in court, so we’ll stick to the $20, but payable in the equivalent amount of rubles.

Even the titles of common documents were renamed
Deed of Mistrust
Affidavit of non-Compliance
The Note
The Right to make people think you canceled
The affidavit of alleged shortage of available capital.

Additionally, the Russians thought they would help Trump by fraudulently changing the venue for the Great Wall of China to be on the U.S. / Mexico border and make Mexico pay for it.

That’s all for tonight. And remember that it is hip to be Red Square.

.

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How to make serious money notarizing Russian Mafia
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What is your favorite Notary password?
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March 24, 2017

Sharktank: Self-Driving Notary

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 8:02 am

DO YOUR JOB OR YOU COULD SEE THIS ON SHARK TANK!

First into the tank is a notary who plans to eliminate the competition.

CONTESTANT: Hello, sharks. My name is Jesse and I’m seeking $200,000 for 10% of my company, Self-Notary! Imagine eliminating the hassle of human beings showing up late for signings. Of making fun of your driver’s license picture ID. Well imagine no more! Self-Notary brings the future of automated transportation to your doorstep! So sharks, who’s ready to sign… on the dotted line?

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re talking about putting your fellow workers out of business. I’m sure they’ll want to sign all right. Your death certificate! How does this job-robbing invention of yours work?

CONTESTANT: A self-driving notary vehicle shows up at the client’s door. The signer puts his ID in the slot, scans his document, signs the online journal, puts his money in the dollar feed, and the machine sends the document.

DAYMOND: How does it get an oil change if it’s driverless?

CONTESTANT: An automated mechanic drives out to change it.

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re valuing your company at two million dollars. I assume there are SALES to report about. At least there better be.

CONTESTANT: We’re in pre-launch.

MARK: Oh. brother. And you expect us to pre-pay before we even know if it works?

LORI: What does it cost you to make, and what does it cost the client?

CONTESTANT: $100,000 a unit. And it costs the client a fee per signature plus a travel fee.

MR. WONDERFUL: That’s terrible. That’s a big nothing-burger. The day I get my money back on a deal like this is the day I need a haircut – which I haven’t needed since I became BALD! I’m out.

DAYMOND: After the notarization is finished, does the driverless car give the client a flourless cake as a thank you gift?

CONTESTANT: No, but that’s a great idea! My wife is a terrible gardener. We could eat the cake in her flower-less garden.

DAYMOND: It was MY great idea! I’m out.

BARBARA: I’ve been watching your presentation, and I think you’re a lousy salesman.

CONTESTANT: Would you swear to that?

BARBARA: Yes. But you wouldn’t be a credible witness.

LORI: So are you in, Barbara, or are you out?

BARBARA: I’m gonna make him an offer.

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re insane. I forbid you from murdering innocent money like that.

BARBARA: I’ll give you half the money you want, but you’re gonna need a lot of my help. I want 20% and I want another shark to go in on the deal.

LORI: I’ll go in on that deal with you, Barbara. 20% each. I deal with notaries who show up late all the time. I think there’s a market for automated notaries. And the human ones they put out of business can learn from the embarrassment of it and beat the automated notaries at their own game by signing up with the best of them on 123notary.com.

MR. WONDERFUL: What is this, product placement?

LORI: I get a few extra bucks for it. They don’t call me a shark for nothing. You better sign up on 123notary.com before the automated notaries do.

MR. WONDERFUL: You did it again?

LORI: Cha-ching.

Just then, the shark’s worst nightmare rolled in before their eyes!

MR. WONDERFUL: What is that monstrosity?

CONTESTANT: Oh, that’s the other product I’m working on. That’s automated you, Mr. Wonderful! Self-driving Shark!

BARBARA: Looks just like him. Especially the chrome dome.

.

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See our string of episodes of Notary Shark Tank
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The most important new technology you should buy today!
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Startup Apps that could ruin the Notary business
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New Apps for the iPhone7 that you’ve never dreamed of
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March 3, 2017

Notary Fish Market

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 9:35 pm

As Notaries, we normally think about our commissions, our fax machine and our jobs. One thing we don’t think about is where we purchase our fish which is actually quite important. Fish is brain food, and nothing beats keeping your brain up to par. Thinking about a wide variety of subjects including language learning, math problem solving, business problems, politics, and gossip also can strengthen your mind. Memorizing the contents of your state’s Notary handbook however is the ideal way to exercise your brain. In any case, here is what you are missing out on by not going to the fish market.

Juneau where she said the fresh wild caught salmon is from?
I dunno, A’ll-ask-kah
Remember the Alaska Notary Public in one of our satirical blogs whose price was one piece of salmon if you wanted an accompanying Oath to an Acknowledged signature? His price went up, now he’s asking for brand names like Sockeye salmon. Boy, the nerve of these Notaries.

Notarial Squid — You can get high quality Notary ink from a squid. Even if you don’t use it in your seal, you can use it in a feather pen. In Chinese the name for squid is “you-yu,” but I just learned in Taiwanese dialect it’s, “tou-chou.” Why such a huge difference?

Norwegian Notary Halibut — Try some just for the halibut.

Crabcakes — Not something you call your girlfriend. But, due to new law changes, a Maryland crabcake can be dual commissioned in Washington D.C. and Virginia.

Diets — Garfield was once on a Seafood diet. “I see food and I eat it.”

Snails — Some Notaries are so slow, they notarize at a snail’s pace. Well, now you can get a vehicle to match at the Notary Fish Market called an S-car that will get you going where you’re going really slow. Look at the “S-Car-Go!”

Lobster — The signing company owners are all out getting lobster while they are not paying you! The nerve! So, if you want to collect from signing companies, just hang out in the lobster section. We ID them, so we know who is who.

Swordfish — I asked if they also had a daggerfish. Can’t have a swordfish without a daggerfish. They responded that they did not, but they just got an import of some Japanese Samurai Swordfish!

Tilapia — This fish is good for Notaries on a budget who only get $40 signings. You can work your way up from there.

Bass — For Notaries who are low-key. Good if marinated in miso by the way — just don’t over do it.

Clams — for Notaries who have a hard time opening up and making small talk at signings.

.

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Notary Sushi Bar
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.

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February 24, 2017

Notary with Tourettes Syndrome

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular Overall — Tags: — admin @ 6:52 am

NOTARY: Do you swear under Oath?

SIGNER: I do

NOTARY: Well you should hear me swear under Oath. I swear whether I’m under a &%?-ing Oath or not.

SIGNER: So, what do I sign first?

NOTARY: Go to hell — here!

SIGNER: I’m signing this Affidavit that I swore to.

NOTARY: Have sex — that’s perfect!

SIGNER: I’m very fond of this document.

NOTARY: Fondle it!

SIGNER: My wife made me sign this.

NOTARY: Kill her. I’ll kill her!

SIGNER: That’s one way of solving my marital problems.

NOTARY: Having sex is another.

SIGNER: Just as long as it’s not with another.

NOTARY: So, what’s the next document — pervert!

SIGNER: My next document is a civil action.

NOTARY: There’s nothing civil about your two middle fingers.

SIGNER: Leave my fingers out of this.

NOTARY: Okay — have sex without fingers.

SIGNER: In that case I won’t be able to provide a digital signature.

NOTARY: I think we all know what I’m going to say next and where this is going.

SIGNER: You mean digital sex?

NOTARY: I’m rubbing off on you.

SIGNER: Kill a Notary

NOTARY: Am I that bad?

SIGNER: Go to hell. But, I’m an athiest and don’t believe in hell.

NOTARY: (Sneezes)

SIGNER: Nobody bless you!

NOTARY: Why Nobody?

SIGNER: Because I don’t believe in God or blessings. So I give non-blessings.

NOTARY: Okay, then go to non-hell.

.

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February 17, 2017

Notaries in cars getting coffee

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 9:07 pm

What type of car would fit the personality of a Notary? There would have to be room for the Notary’s bag where they keep their seals, certificate pads, mace, and other tools of the trade. But, most cars have room for a tiny bag, don’t they? Next, the car would need a good GPS system since Notaries are notorious for having trouble finding the houses of new clients (which they do multiple times per day.) Finally, the car would need good fuel efficiency and be easy to park, because you never know where you’ll have to park.

Another critical point is that others would avoid having an accident with this car (or near this car) since the Notary would make such a good witness. And what better car to greet today’s guest in, none other than the world’s greatest ex-Notary — Jeremy.

NOTARY: Wow, what a great car! What’s the Power of Attorney on this thing? I hope it does well in reverse, because I do a lot of reverse mortgages. How many pages per gallon (or minute) can it print doing eDocuments? Does it have a plugin for electronic signatures?

SEINFELD: If you drive it as an electric vehicle, you won’t need Errors & Emissions insurance. What’s the deal with a digital signature? If it is anything like the digital exam the proctologist gave me last week, I just hope you have plenty of rubber of gloves in the glove compartment.

NOTARY: I’m going to call it the stamp compartment, so keep your filthy gloves out of it.

SEINFELD: You are the funniest Notary I know.

NOTARY: Is that why you have me on your show?

(In coffeeshop)

SEINFELD: I’d like eggs over easy.

NOTARY: And make sure they’re on time, otherwise I’m charging you waiting time.

SEINFELD: Well, she is a waitress, that’s what she does.

NOTARY: Yeah — she gets paid for waiting, but I need to get paid for waiting too, especially if I get a four minute egg that takes forty-five minutes to arrive.

SEINFELD: Yeah, and the eggs better have their ID ready when they arrive, because I don’t think the Notary will let me eat them if they don’t have identification.

WAITRESS: No problem, I’ll just send the eggs to the DMV in the meantime to get an ID. But, I can’t get one without a birth certificate which will be a problem since none of the eggs have been born yet.

SEINFELD: Well, can’t they get born, and then somehow be shoved back into their shell?

WAITRESS: They might not taste so good if you did that.

SEINFELD: What type of coffee would a Notary drink?

NOTARY: It doesn’t matter just as long as we know the expiration date of the beans.

WAITRESS: What type of document would you use to prove that a brand of coffee was decaffeinated?

NOTARY: A decaffidavit.

SEINFELD: That figures (and rolls his eyes.) So, what type of coffee do you guys drink?

WAITRESS: Some prefer Chock Full o’Notaries while some prefer Antigua Affidavit.

NOTARY: Okay, thanks a latte. If I order that, will I have to pay a “latte fee?”

WAITRESS: Not if you sign your tip on time.

SEINFELD: With all thie caffeine racing through my veins, this is the first time I’ve been awake with a Notary.

NOTARY: In case you say something funny, I’ll be sure to acknowledge that it was indeed a joke.

SEINFELD: What’s that? Sorry, I was nodding off there. I want to ask you something. When you were a little kid, and your little friends were dreaming of being spiderman or a cowboy, what made you dream of executing a document?

NOTARY: Right now I’m dreaming of executing a comic.

SEINFELD: You know what? That was actually funny? I’ll give that joke two thumbprints up! Look at that elderly couple. They must have been married for fifty years. They haven’t said a word to each other in twenty minutes. After twenty years of marriage they must run out of things to say.

NOTARY: Yeah, and they run of of things to Notarize too.

SEINFELD: Can’t you ever get your mind off of work?

NOTARY: Well I think I was thinking more about your work, since I was making a joke about Notarizing!

(walking outside)

SEINFELD: Look at that sign — it says Notary Public, and then another sign that says back in an hour. I wonder if that means back in an hour from now, or back in an hour from when the sign was hung.

NOTARY: Is the sign hung or hanged?

SEINFELD: A jury is hung, the guy they convicted is hanged, but when it comes to signs, I haven’t the foggiest.

NOTARY: Well, if the sign was convicted, then I know what the correct verbiage would be. Thank God you can’t hang a signature otherwise my whole career would be on the line.

SEINFELD: Sorry to leave you hanging, but we need to get back in the car.

NOTARY: This was actually fun.

SEINFELD: Fun is a very foreign experience for someone in your line of work.

NOTARY: But, I don’t think of it as work.

SEINFELD: (Nodding off) What’s that?

.

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February 10, 2017

A Notary goes Public on Shark Tank with Shazamdocs!

First up into the tank: A way to keep records on how long companies take to send electronic documents.

NOTARY: Hi, Sharks. I’m Jeremy. And I’m asking for $200,000 for twenty percent of my company, Shazamdocs. Sharks, there’s one thing that matters in life more than looking as dapper as Mr. Wonderful here.

MR. WONDERFUL: He knows of what he speaks.

LAURIE: He’s kissing up and I’m throwing up.

MR. WONDERFUL: Hush. Grab a breath mint.

NOTARY: What matters in life, whether you’re sharks or whether you’re a notary, is knowing when you’ll be paid!

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re speaking my language, son. The language of luv… of money.

NOTARY: The database on Shazamdocs monitors how long companies take to send electronic documents, and… by virtue of our exclusive algorithms… computes the average amount of time it takes to get paid. No longer will you have to waste your precious time and resources hitching yourself to companies that drag their feet when it comes to upholding their end of the transactions.

DAYMOND: Feet dragging is a drag.

NOTARY: We’re like Yelp for notaries. With your help, sharks, we’ll get this in the homes of notaries throughout the country, and after that, the world! Who wants to show this notary their own seal… of approval?

ROBERT: You, yourself, said you’re like Yelp for notaries. There’s nothing proprietary about that.

NOTARY: I’ve applied for a utility patent.

CUBAN: You’ll never get it.

LAURIE: Mark.

CUBAN: What? He’s living a pipe dream. What’s to stop anybody from charting the records of companies to see how quickly they pay their bills?

NOTARY: Nobody does it like we do.

CUBAN: I’m out.

MR. WONDERUL: Ouch.

CUBAN: What about you, Kevin? You said the guy knows of what he speaks.

MR. WONDERFUL: That’s when he was complimenting my impossibly dapper qualities.

LAURIE: You got the impossibly part right.

ROBERT: What do you sell the program for and what are your sales?

NOTARY: I sell it with an annual subscription rate of 19.95. And we’re in pre-launch.

DAYMOND: Uh-oh. So you’ve made bupkis.

ROBERT: Daymond, I didn’t even know you were Jewish!

MR. WONDERFUL: I’ll make you an offer. I don’t know what you’re worth, I’m taking a heck of a risk, but I’ll go on the ride with you. There are plenty of notaries who need greater assurances they’ll get paid faster. But $200,000 at twenty percent assumes a value of a million dollars. You’re not there yet. I’ll give you the $200,000. But I want forty percent of the business.

CUBAN/DAYMOND/ROBERT: Oy.

LAURIE: You’re all Jewish now.

MR. WONDERFUL: I hear the other sharks flapping their gums, but I don’t hear anyone putting their money where their yappers are. I made you an offer, Jeremy. What do you say?

NOTARY: I appreciate the offer, Mr. Wonderful.

ROBERT: If I brought a notary in, would you swear to that?

NOTARY: But with all due respect, that’s giving up too much equity. I’d like to hear what the remaining sharks have to say.

LAURIE: As you know, Jeremy, as I’ve said many times on Shark Tank. I can tell when something’s a zero. And I can tell when something’s a hero. And this… is most definitely… a thirty. Better than zero, but nowhere near a hero. I’m out.

ROBERT: Laurie, you were toying with the man.

LAURIE: No, I wasn’t. I’m just being honest.

ROBERT: Well, Jeremy, I see nothing proprietary here. And I’m not a big notary guy. If I ever need you to witness something, I’ll be a customer. But I don’t see it as an investment. I’m out.

CUBAN: So that leaves Mr. Wonderful’s less than wonderful offer. And Mr.Daymond.

DAYMOND: I hate it when companies drag their feet before paying somebody what they’re owed, so I’m with you there.

JEREMY: Would you consider joining up with Mr. Wonderful?

DAYMOND: As much as it pains me to say it, I might do the deal with Kevin, if he’s up for it.

MR. WONDERFUL: I’d do that deal. But, Jeremy, you’d be getting two sharks.

JEREMY: Would the both of you consider the deal for… thirty percent equity?

DAYMOND: 100 K each at fifteen percent each? What do you think, Kevin?

MR. WONDERFUL: I’ll do it with one contingency. That we test the accuracy of your program on us. If your program can tell us how long it’ll be before we pay you the 200 K, I’m in.

DAYMOND: Me too.

JEREMY: Right away?

MR. WONDERFUL: Sorry. I would’ve paid you after hell freezes over.

DAYMOND: Me too.

MR. WONDERFUL/DAYMOND: I’m out!

.

You might also like:

See our string of posts about Notary Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

See our string on posts about Snapdocs
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FASS has a brand new app
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Video Notarizations? Good idea or not
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19098

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January 4, 2017

How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers

Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.

(ring-ring)

PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.

CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.

PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.

(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)

GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)

MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?

CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!

PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.

CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?

PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.

CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.

PAUL: By voting against Trump?

CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.

PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.

CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!

PAUL: Got it.

CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?

PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.

CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.

PAUL: Here’s $80.

CARMEN: You only owe me $60.

PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!

CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.

JEREMY: Yes Carmen

CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.

JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.

CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?

TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.

CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!

———————————-

The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter

DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you brother!

DeSHEA: When can you be here?

CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!

DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!

CARMEN: Okay, here I am.

DeSHEA: There’s a problem

CARMEN: What problem is that?

DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.

CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?

DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.

CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!

——————————-

Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.

KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.

KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.

CARMEN: I’m there.

KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.

CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.

KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.

CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.

KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.

CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.

KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.

————————————

CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!

JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”

CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.

JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.

CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.

JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.

CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.

———————————-

(snooze)

CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?

TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.

CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.

TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.

CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!

(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)

DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?

CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!

.

You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

Notary Jail
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19666

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

30 minute Islamic prayer break at a signing & other stories
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16185

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December 23, 2016

Flashpoint — Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract

Dave had a multimillion dollar contract for a very rare biotech machine that was one of a kind. He was to meet the buyer in a high rise downtown. But, Dave was taken hostage in the lobby 10 minutes before the signing. The subject (Tom) needed the machine to save his brother who was dying of a rare disease.

TOM: (Pointing gun) Drop the briefcase and come with me.

DAVE: I can’t, this is a very important contract.

TOM: I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.

SECURITY: Help, 911, there’s a man with a gun. Send a strategic response team immediately!

TOM: Drop your cell phone and slide it over to me. Now, Dave, I need that machine you’re selling for my sick brother. I have no choice. I have to do this. Let’s go upstairs to where the buyer is waiting.

.

You might also like:

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17017

Shark Tank: 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

.

(The two of them go upstairs)

NOTARY: Hi, I’m the Notary, and by the way, did you find me on 123notary.com?

TOM: I wasn’t the one who made the call.

DAVE: Yes you were.

NOTARY: Oh great, can you write a review for me on my listing.

TOM: This is not the time to be talking about reviews (waving gun around.)

NOTARY: Oh, did you want me to notarize your gun?

TOM: NO. I want the biotech machine to save my dying brother.

(ring ring)

TOM: Don’t answer that. I’ll get this.

GREG: Hi, this is Sargeant Greg Parker from the strategic response unit. I understand you have a hostage up there.

TOM: Yes Greg, we do.

GREG: That was a smart thing to do, taking a hostage. That really changes the game.

TOM: What are you, a professional negotiator?

GREG: Yes Tom, that is what I am. I’m here to try to work out your situation. Would you mind telling me your name?

TOM: Um, I can’t. I didn’t want to do this. I just need the machine to save my dying brother. I’ve never done anything like this (waving gun) Stand back!

GREG: Is the machine in the building where you are?

TOM: They won’t tell me where it is. And even if I have it, I don’t know how it works.

GREG: Sounds like one of the guns our team uses that’s in storage. I don’t know where it is, or how it works. If I press the wrong button, only God knows what will happen.

TOM: What?

(crash — Jules rams the door and barges into the room)

JULES: Put your weapons down!!!!

ED: Put your weapons down…

JULES: There’s only one weapon, so let’s use the singular.

ED: Copy that!!! Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to put your gun down.

NOTARY: I have a seal, should I drop my seal? I think of it as kind of a weapon.

ED: Yes, put the seal on the table.

GREG: Do you have the solution?

ED: I have the solution, and Jules has eyes on the subject although he’s nothing much to look at.

JULES: Hey, I like him. It’s just that I’m (oops) not allowed to talk about them… Sam… since that’s a conflict of interest.

GREG: I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear that so I don’t get fired. Now, put down the weapon so that we can talk this over.

TOM: I need that machine.

GREG: That’s not going to happen. We can’t give you that machine. But, if you don’t put your gun down, we’ll have to use lethal force against you. Do you understand that? They your brother will die and so will you.

TOM: No, I won’t!!!

GREG: Okay…. Scorpio

(blast)

GREG: What was that?

ED: It seems to be a gas explosion in another part of the building.

TOM: Okay, I’ll put my gun down. I don’t want to die.

JULES: You came inches from it.

DAVE: You know what, I can let your brother use my machine. But, only under my supervision.

TOM: You will? Gee thanks!

ED: And you can see the whole thing from a monitor — in jail. Put your hands in the air. You have the right to remain silent.

NOTARY: I can give him an Oath of silence. That’s one of my duties as a Notary Public.

Ed: That won’t be necessary.

NOTARY: I also do weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

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