NOTARY: Boy, what a long trip, and the traffic was terrible.
TONY: I understand. I’ve had a lot of trouble recently with traffic myself. Everytime I get stuck in traffic the only thought that runs through my head is, “where is that ambulance from heaven that I can follow.”
NOTARY: Isn’t that illegal?
TONY: It ain’t illegal if you don’t get caught. Besides… I know people. Capiche? (gives the notary two light avuncular slaps)
NOTARY: I’m not sure if I’m at a notariation or in a Good Fella’s movie.
TONY: It’s a little of both I guess when you’re around here. So.. let’s get started.
NOTARY: Do you have a document you need notarized? Can I see it?
TONY: I got it right here, safe and sound in my violin case. I’m from a very musical family. You know?
NOTARY: Yes, I can see that. There seem to be many violin cases around here. Do you know a good place I can get my bow rehaired?
TONY: Your what?
NOTARY: My bow. I’m a Violist.
TONY: Violist?
NOTARY: You know the instrument that looks like a violin, but is slightly bigger?
TONY: Oh yeah… the viola. I know what that is. But, you’re on your own. I don’t know no bow hair fixer uppers. My violins are strictly for looks purposes only, eh?
NOTARY: I understand. Just for show. Kind of like when I try to play the Khachaturian or Paganini concertos.
TONY: Oh yeah. I know Paganini. I dated his sister for a while. It didn’t end too good though. One of the uncles threatened me.
NOTARY: Did he threaten to forbid you from playing the violin again?
TONY: Not exactly. Let’s put it this way, he owns a concrete business.
NOTARY: Oh, well you won’t be able to play the violin again if he does what I think he was implying.
TONY: Never could in the first place. Okay, here’s the document — oh shoot, I’m running low on ammo. I didn’t realize. Thank God we’re doing this.
NOTARY: Ammo? You keep ammo in the violin case? When I go out to play a concert, I always keep my ammo in a separate bag from my viola case.
TONY: To each his own. Sometimes you don’t want the ammo getting separated from your instruments — you know what I mean?
NOTARY: Okay… we have the document entitled, “I won’t go anywhere’s near Giuseppe or the rest of you’s guys.” Okay, great. Can I see some ID?
TONY: Take your pick! (hands out twelve ID”s like a fan of cards.
NOTARY: Oh, I see. Let me close my eyes. Hmmm. I think I’ll pick…. this one… By the way, which one is the real one so I don’t have to have you arrested for fraud.
TONY: Oh, they’re all real.
NOTARY: What I mean was, which one was issued by the DMV here.
TONY: Oh, that kind of real. Dis one!
NOTARY: Now we’re in business. Now, please sign the document as Tony Soprano, and sign the journal the same way. I’ll need thumbprints too.
TONY: I have DNA samples in my other violin case just in case you’re interested.
NOTARY: Is it your DNA or DNA you’re planting.
TONY: Once again — take your pick!
NOTARY: Okay, I’ve filled out the form, I’m affixing my seal…. done… You know something. After meeting you, I’d like to keep my notary seal, journal, and ammunition (ink refill) in a violin case — and also wear a black shirt, white tie, and pin stripe suit.
TONY: You can call your operation, “Just got made Notarizations.” Just don’t try to do no notarizations in Bensonhurst. You’ll be cutting into Guido’s territory. He’s incharge of all the notarizations down there. Bad things could happen if you venture down there. Understand?
NOTARY: I think I got it. I’ll just stick to Connecticut for now. Have a nice day and stay out of trouble.
TONY: I think I’ll be safe with this document notarized. Now my ex-girlfriend’s family will feel safe…
NOTARY: Never mind — I’m not even going to ask.
.
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