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January 25, 2011

Notary Hyatt Regency

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 7:16 am

Have you heard of the Notary Hotel or Notary Motel? If you have been working for high paying title companies, you can now afford the Notary Hyatt, but the breakfast isn’t included unless you have a special arrangement.

CHECK IN

NOTARY: Hi, I’m here to check in. I have a reservation for tonight.

CLERK: Ah yes, Mr. Public We’ve been awaiting your arrival.

NOTARY: Do I sign your journal based on the date I made the reservation or the date I check in?

CLERK: The date you check in — of course. Sign right here. And I will need a thumbprint.

NOTARY: Well I’m all thumbs — and besides, I’m too nice to give you the finger. Is it one journal entry per person per room, or one entry per person regardless of how many rooms?

CLERK: Just one journal entry, unless it is a corporate sale.

NOTARY: Do I get one key or two? And how about a pool wristband?

CLERK: The wristband has your inmate number on it, but can no longer be used for notarization per the new civil code 4583.45.

NOTARY: Oh, that’s too bad, but I don’t see myself being notarized in the hot tub. This is the first time I’ve heard “notarized” and “hot” in the same sentence.

CLERK: We certify that it gets up to 125. Don’t scald yourself. But you can get notarized underwater in the pool using our new underwater eNotary technology.

NOTARY: Great. If they drown, I can notarize their Death Certificate. Is the underwater eNotary technology hands free? My mother told me never to use electric appliances in the bath tub.

CLERK: No you just use your finger like you would paying your bill at a restaurant on one of those eSignatures. You can even buy a wet noodle underwater using our system.

NOTARY: That’s great, because I want to visit your Chinese spot next door. Can I get a Chinese continental breakfast with Shao Bing You Tiao tomorrow?

CLERK: Sorry — wrong continent. But, I will give you a complimentary breakfast ticket. Use it from 6am to 10am downstairs — don’t lose this. And here is your room key. It looks like a notary seal, just affix it to the rectangular pad on your door to get in.

MAID SERVICE: You will love our soaps in your room. We have one soap that is made with squid ink — especially for Notaries. An ancient Chinese saying says it helps you notarize better.

NOTARY: Hmm, never knew Confucius ever needed a Notary.

MAID SERVICE: Oh all the time. During the analects, he had to see a Notary several times in fact. And one more thing. There is a password to get into your room. We do this to keep the fake Notaries out. The computer embedded in the door will ask you to give Oath verbiage just to make sure you are upholding the law as a Notary Public. If you fail to give an applicable Oath, you might have to come down for a tutoring session before you get to sample our soaps.

NOTARY: I heard the remote for the TV was shaped like a Notary seal.

MAID SERVICE: That it is. But it is not one of those PhD remotes. It is really simple. Here, let me emboss your breakfast card so you can get a free omelette.

NOTARY: Cool, I mean hot.

(meanwhile the notary goes to his room.)

NOTARY: Wow, this joint is plush city… I wonder what’s on television. Oh, the Notary Channel. Who would have thought. Oh, another Notary channel for adults — Lucy embosses the seven sailors. Very naughty. I wonder how I can see a movie. Oh, I need to be notarized to see a movie to make sure I did not hit the buy key by mistake. My remote does a print out, I sign it, and then maid service notarizes it? Hmm. Let me ring.

MAID SERVICE: Hola — lociento pero no Ingles senor.. Just kidding!!!! You rang? Need something notarized? I love this concept. I am notarizing a Notary. Isn’t that like marrying your sister?

NOTARY: Not exactly. Here is the printout. I am ordering the movie Nancy breaks down the acknowledgment process. Something nerdy to fall asleep to.

MAID SERVICE: Oh, that is a good film. Nancy gets arrested in part three because she does something illegal by mistake because she skimmed through the tutorial instead of mastering the materials.

NOTARY: Finally a notary so bad, even Nicholas Cage won’t star in it. I gotta see this. Okay, here is my ticket. Please notarize it.

MAID SERVICE: This is a form is the same as a credit card receipt. There is no room for my notary seal!!! Just kidding, we use a small one for these forms. We have a customized seal for it in fact that we use just for movies. It is cleared with the Secretary of State too.

NOTARY: Super. How much do I owe you?

MAID SERVICE: Just a review on Yelp please. That is worth more than gold — providing it is a good review.

NOTARY: Well I’m going to say how you ruined the movie by telling me what happens in part 3.

MAID SERVICE: But, I didn’t tell you how it ends… So there will still be mucho suspense!

NOTARY : Good point.

(At breakfast)

Wow, I just love these eight large bronze circular containers with lids. This is a high-class breakfast. Or should I say Hyatt class. Hmm, the breakfast skillet looks good with the sausage, potatoes, onions, and peppers, I’ve never seen this before except at Denny’s, well, the pictures in the menu at Denny’s. Oh, certified Costa Rican coffee. That looks good. I love this place. (20 minutes later) Time to go back upstairs.

(At door to room)

DOOR: Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, “I want to take a shower.”

NOTARY: I don’t understand the question.

DOOR: Entry denied.

NOTARY: Hey, I paid a lot to stay here!!!

DOOR: But, this hotel is for Notaries only. If you don’t know how to administer an Oath, you are not a real Notary. You are fraud. Fraud alert buz buzz buzz. Fraud alert.

NOTARY: Okay okay okay. Do you solemly Affirm that whatever… that I want to take a shower.”

DOOR: BUZZZ wrong!!! You are having ME swear that I want to take a shower, not that YOU want to take a shower. And in an Oath, you swear not affirm. Don’t they teach you anything in Notary school?

NOTARY: In my state we don’t have Notary school.

DOOR: You can say that again. Please go downstairs for your tutorial and we will need to re-zap your key.

NOTARY: Is that the correct verb, to zap my key for another 24 hours of entry?

DOOR: Some people say “re-key” or configure your key.

(meanwhile downstairs)

TEACHER: Hello student. Do you know the difference between an Oath and an Affirmation?

NOTARY: Ummm.. Aren’t they the same?

TEACHER: They can be used interchangeably, but if the customer requests one, you cannot give them the other, that would be choosing the notary act for them and these are distinctly different, yet interchangeable notary acts.

NOTARY: Umm, but what if the signer doesn’t want to talk about God?

TEACHER: You can recommend an Affirmation if they don’t like God — their maker. But you cannot choose for them.

NOTARY: What if they object to the absence of God?

TEACHER: Not in this century. This is the no God century. I’ll be surprised if the entire earth doesn’t fry. Hell, fire and brimstone!!! Just say to the door, “Do you solemnly swear that you want to take a shower?” Then, wait for the door to say yes. Then, you will have to figure out how to get the door in the shower, and how it will have privacy where there is no door in the doorway.

NOTARY: Hmmm, very good point. But, wouldn’t it be the computer in the door that wants a shower? Perhaps we could give it a waterproof shower using new technology. Unless the door is just testing me.

(back upstairs)

NOTARY: I’m ready. I’m putting my key in, or my notary seal against the stamp pad. Open sesame.

DOOR: I have signed this paper and want an Acknowledged signature. Would that be okay?

NOTARY: Well I don’t feel comfortable notarizing something that you already signed. Can you sign it again?

DOOR: How badly do you want your shower with the soap with squid ink in it — in minute quantities of course.

NOTARY: Okay I’ll do it. Will I end up in jail like Nancy?

DOOR: If you read (not skimmed) but read your handbook, you would know. Access granted.

NOTARY: What a relief. Just as a disclaimer, the real Hyatt does not do stuff like this. They just let you into your room with your key with no notary questions. This blog is about the Notary Hyatt — completely different place. But, you know something. I like this place so much, I’d like to stay here for the rest of my commission until my expiration date. I wonder if they can make me a key that works for that long. In any case, I have appointments today, so I have to check out. Let’s see how that procedure works.

FRONT DESK: Please destroy your notary seal key and bring it to the Secretary of State County Clerk office on the main floor.

NOTARY: Where is that?

FRONT DESK: The next desk over. You will need to take your Oath of non-office there too now that you are checking out. It’s like a Notary Oath of office in reverse.

NOTARY: Got it. I’m filled with energy from the waffles, so I think I can handle it. See you next time.

.

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Notary Hotel 2 — The Sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

Discounts for early booking a Notary appointment? Hotels do this.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19072

.

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January 24, 2011

Trump — Making American Notaries Great Again

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (comments) — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 11:14 am

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again

We’ve heard a lot about Trump wanting to make America great again. But can he make your notary practice great again if it isn’t already? Or have you hit the wall? Or does he have to build the wall and then make Mexico pay for it? He says America doesn’t win anymore. Are you winning? Thanks to NAFTA, Mexican notaries are allowed to enter the United States and perform work as notaries. But because they charge so little, the only way Americans could survive was to build a wall made of used notary seals.

THE DONALD: The notaries love me. And by the way, the notaries love me. I repeat myself a lot. And by the way, I repeat myself a lot.

NOTARY: I’m undecided about who to vote for. Why should I vote for you?

THE DONALD: Our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. I will make American notaries great again. I’m gonna bring notary jobs back to America. I will be the greatest notary jobs president God ever created.

NOTARY: Would you swear to that under oath?

THE DONALD: I will swear to Justice Roberts on a bible on January 20th. Until then, I’ll swear at my campaign rallies.

NOTARY: Well, you have been married three times. You know a lot about witnessing signatures on divorce papers.

THE DONALD: More than Hillary! She’s a disaster. She could have at least left Bill during MonicaGate, but no. She stuck by his side. Pathetic.

NOTARY: Why shouldn’t I vote for Ted Cruz?

THE DONALD: Lyin’ Ted? He wants to shred Iran’s nuclear deal on day one. Shredding signed documents takes away notary jobs. He’d be a disaster as president.

NOTARY: Wouldn’t you need to hire more notaries to witness the signatures on the deal that replaced it?

THE DONALD: Absolutely. And I’m fine with that.

NOTARY: Hold on. A minute ago you said you were against it.

THE DONALD: I’ve evolved. Which is more than I can say for Cro-Magnon Man Cruze. Have you seen his wife? Compared to mine, she looks like a Gargoyle.

NOTARY: Well, I’m still not convinced you’re good for notaries. What about Bernie?

THE DONALD: The Communist? The only time I “feel the bern” is when I pee. Elect him and all the notaries will be getting free health care.

NOTARY: What’s wrong with that?

THE DONALD: Living longer means fewer wills to witness. When I’m elected president, believe me, half the country will jump off buildings. And if they’re lucky, one of mine. You’ll be witnessing will signings till the cows come home. Speaking of which, did you see Lyin’ Ted’s wife?

.

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The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

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Acknowledgment FAQ

Filed under: Notary Acts & Certificates — admin @ 9:39 am

What is an Acknowledgment? Or, should I say, what is a Notary Acknowledgment or Notarized Acknowledgment? Why is it missing the “e” after “g”? Is that a typo, and should it be spelled Acknowledgement? No, it is not a typo.

Notaries commissioned in the various fifty states have a variety of Notary acts that they may perform. Some are common ones that are practices in virtually every state, although they sometimes have name variations and sometimes the rules for these acts can change slightly from state to state as well.

Common Notary acts that are almost completely universal include:

Acknowledgments — an act where the signer acknowledges having sign a document and acknowledges in the physical presence of the notary public, but does not have to sign in front of the Notary except in a handful of states (it’s complicated).

Jurats — an act where the signer or “affiant” must sign the document in the physical presence of the Notary Public as well as swear or affirm under the penalty of perjury to the truthfulness of the content of the document.

Oaths — a purely verbal act where the affiant must swear under Oath under God to the truthfulness of an oral or written statement.

Affirmations — a purely verbal act where the affiant must affirm under Oath on their honor to the truthfulness of an oral or written statement. Please note that Oaths and Affirmations are not the same act, but can be used interchangeably and carry the same legal weight and significance.

How does a signer Acknowledge their signature?
Does the signer say, “I hereby proclaim that I, the party of the first part, the signing party withstanding , have signed the foregoing instrument herein, and thereto, and therefor acknowledge the same in my capacity as an individual so-on and so forth.” The truth of the matter is that you can simply place the signed document in front of the Notary Public (in most states, exceptions apply) and ask him if he/she can notarized it with an Acknowledgment, or you can just say, “I signed this, please notarize it.”

What are the requirements for Acknowledgment wording or Acknowledgment verbiage?
All states require some sort of Acknowledgment verbiage. The requirements differ from state to state. Many states require certain components or facts to be covered in the wording while others might require exact state specific wording. It is best to ask an Attorney what wording is necessary in your case. Many Notaries do not carry pads of Acknowledgments with them (although they should) and it is up to you to make sure that notarial wording is either embedded in the document or attached on a loose certificate that is stapled to the document.

Who can perform a Notary Acknowledgment?
As a general rule, a Judge, Notary, Justice of the Peace, and perhaps a few other legal professions may execute Acknowledgments. When in doubt, ask an Attorney for a state specific answer.

.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
When I studied to be a Notary Public, my teacher said you Acknowledge a signature, Execute a Jurat and Administer an Oath. This is not true. The Notary is not the one who acknowledges signatures. The SIGNER acknowledges the signature and then the Notary CERTIFIES that the signer acknowledged the signature by virtue of filling out an Acknowledgment Certificate. Here are some basics on Acknowledgments.

1. The signer acknowledges having signed the particular document.

2. The signer must physically personally appear before the Notary for such an act.

3. The signer does NOT have to sign before the Notary according to most if not all states such as AK, IA, SC, SD, VT, and WV. Lenders might require the borrower to sign in the presence of the Notary, but that is a particular Lender’s standard and not necessarily a state standard or even a best practice.

4. The Notary must positively identify the signer using identification documents acceptable to their state which normally include Drivers Licenses, State issued identification photo ID’s, Passports, and Military ID’s. Other ID might be accepted on a state by state basis. You can look that up in your handbook. Also, see our section on identification.

5. The Notary should ideally keep a journal entry of all Notarial acts even if their state does not require this.

6. There should be Acknowledgment wording appropriate or acceptable to your state inscribed within the document, or you can attach a loose acknowledgment form with a staple.

7. After you fill out the certificate form, you sign and stamp the page (some states allow you to write in your seal information without a stamp.) Make sure your stamp is clear and not smudgy otherwise the county recorder has the right to reject the Notarization.

8. Note — some states require the Notary to ask the signer to attest to the fact that they signed the document in their own free will. Please be aware if your state has any unusual requirements or special wording on forms.

9. A California Notary faces many restrictions as to what type of out of state forms they can use. Please check the California Notary Handbook to see what you can accept and what you can’t otherwise you could get in trouble particularly if it is a recorded document.

10. There is an optional and additional information section in Acknowledgments which helps identify the document that the certificate corresponds to. This includes the document name, document date, number of pages, and other pertinent information.

Resources

Basic Notary Acts — Acknowledgments
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19500

Acknowledgment vs. Acknowledgement
http://grammarist.com/spelling/acknowledgment-acknowledgement/

Legal definition of Acknowledgment (does not necessarily apply to notary profession)
https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/acknowledgment

Can you send a loose Acknowledgment?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16168

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January 23, 2011

Flashpoint — Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (shares),Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 9:31 pm

Dave had a multimillion dollar contract for a very rare biotech machine that was one of a kind. He was to meet the buyer in a high rise downtown. But, Dave was taken hostage in the lobby 10 minutes before the signing. The subject (Tom) needed the machine to save his brother who was dying of a rare disease.

TOM: (Pointing gun) Drop the briefcase and come with me.

DAVE: I can’t, this is a very important contract.

TOM: I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.

SECURITY: Help, 911, there’s a man with a gun. Send a strategic response team immediately!

TOM: Drop your cell phone and slide it over to me. Now, Dave, I need that machine you’re selling for my sick brother. I have no choice. I have to do this. Let’s go upstairs to where the buyer is waiting.

.

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Shark Tank: 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
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Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

.

(The two of them go upstairs)

NOTARY: Hi, I’m the Notary, and by the way, did you find me on 123notary.com?

TOM: I wasn’t the one who made the call.

DAVE: Yes you were.

NOTARY: Oh great, can you write a review for me on my listing.

TOM: This is not the time to be talking about reviews (waving gun around.)

NOTARY: Oh, did you want me to notarize your gun?

TOM: NO. I want the biotech machine to save my dying brother.

(ring ring)

TOM: Don’t answer that. I’ll get this.

GREG: Hi, this is Sargeant Greg Parker from the strategic response unit. I understand you have a hostage up there.

TOM: Yes Greg, we do.

GREG: That was a smart thing to do, taking a hostage. That really changes the game.

TOM: What are you, a professional negotiator?

GREG: Yes Tom, that is what I am. I’m here to try to work out your situation. Would you mind telling me your name?

TOM: Um, I can’t. I didn’t want to do this. I just need the machine to save my dying brother. I’ve never done anything like this (waving gun) Stand back!

GREG: Is the machine in the building where you are?

TOM: They won’t tell me where it is. And even if I have it, I don’t know how it works.

GREG: Sounds like one of the guns our team uses that’s in storage. I don’t know where it is, or how it works. If I press the wrong button, only God knows what will happen.

TOM: What?

(crash — Jules rams the door and barges into the room)

JULES: Put your weapons down!!!!

ED: Put your weapons down…

JULES: There’s only one weapon, so let’s use the singular.

ED: Copy that!!! Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to put your gun down.

NOTARY: I have a seal, should I drop my seal? I think of it as kind of a weapon.

ED: Yes, put the seal on the table.

GREG: Do you have the solution?

ED: I have the solution, and Jules has eyes on the subject although he’s nothing much to look at.

JULES: Hey, I like him. It’s just that I’m (oops) not allowed to talk about them… Sam… since that’s a conflict of interest.

GREG: I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear that so I don’t get fired. Now, put down the weapon so that we can talk this over.

TOM: I need that machine.

GREG: That’s not going to happen. We can’t give you that machine. But, if you don’t put your gun down, we’ll have to use lethal force against you. Do you understand that? They your brother will die and so will you.

TOM: No, I won’t!!!

GREG: Okay…. Scorpio

(blast)

GREG: What was that?

ED: It seems to be a gas explosion in another part of the building.

TOM: Okay, I’ll put my gun down. I don’t want to die.

JULES: You came inches from it.

DAVE: You know what, I can let your brother use my machine. But, only under my supervision.

TOM: You will? Gee thanks!

ED: And you can see the whole thing from a monitor — in jail. Put your hands in the air. You have the right to remain silent.

NOTARY: I can give him an Oath of silence. That’s one of my duties as a Notary Public.

Ed: That won’t be necessary.

NOTARY: I also do weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

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Notary Hell – “Yeah, but it’s a dry heat”

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 11:34 am

Welcome to Notary Hell

Notaries who have done bad deeds (or signed bad Deeds) in their personal or professional life are often committed to Notary Purgatory, or Notary Hell. Many Buddhist Notaries commented that there are seven heavens and seven hells, birth, death, and rebirth. In Notary Hell, the Power of the Devil, supersedes the Power of Attorney (even if it is Authenticated by the Secretary of State.)

In Notary Hell, misdeeds, negligence, and malfeasance are considered good things, although they prefer active acts of treachery.

Common Experiences
Notaries who are condemned to Notary Hell are subjected to all types of cruel, but not unusual tortures. Some notaries have all of their documents burned in the eternal fires of hell. Others have to do a daily signing for a “reader” who reads every letter of every page, and then claims not to be sure if they want to sign. These “readers” can take up to three hundred hours to complete a signing in 130 degree heat. The devils in Notary Hell are very despotic, they like to emboss the notaries around. One devil came around with a giant red hot steel embosser and embossed a notary’s hand. Other notaries are branded on their left shoulder with a red hot iron notary seal, so that it will be obvious which part of Notary Hell they are confined to.

One notary had a near death experience that he shared with us. His soul actually left his body. Unfortunately, because of all of the misdeeds he had committed (including backdating) that he went to hell. At first he was concerned that he was in hell. But, then after a few minutes he realized that he recognized half the people there since they were his Mortgage Broker clients.

Another notary commented that when he was in Notary Hell, everything he notarized was in invisible ink, so all of his work was virtually erased.

The Warning Signs
For those who are weak in terms of their conscious, a not so subtle warning sign is often sent to the notary from the higher world. The notary will be sent to Notary Hell for a few minutes in a dream, to scare the hell out of them. If the notary does not repent, the next time the notary commits a serious error or omission, the gates of Notary Hell will open up, and the Notary Devil himself will come for a personal visit to the notary’s official address based on their records with the Secretary of State.

Entry Procedures
All notaries are required to register with the Secretary of Hell, or as the locals call it, “The Demon Vee” within 30 days of arrival. You must have an identification document that was issued in the last ten years, but hasn’t been burned (or melted) yet. Notaries are required to take their Oath of Office. There is no prerequisite residency requirement for entry. Applicants must be 18 years or older and have committed a Felony or multiple acts of Mural Turpitude. There is no proctored exam necessary as an entry requirement for Notary Hell. References from scummy people are appreciated although not required.

There are many mansions in my father’s kingdom
But, you only get a cramped spot in the basement of the mansion next to the boiler room. Although Notary Hell is horribly unpleasant, due to funding cuts in the Secretary of Hell, most of the torturous punishments have been put on hold — at least for now.

DEVIL: Welcome to Notary Hell

NOTARY: But, all I did was backdate a few times

DEVIL: You don’t know how that affected other people’s lives, do you?

NOTARY: Are you preaching to me?

DEVIL: Well, I’m not exactly the most credible of witnesses, but let’s just say, that I’m aware of the severity of your mal-actions.

NOTARY: So, what now?

DEVIL: It’s time to get you registered. Right this way.

CLERK: ID Please?

NOTARY: Here it is. By the way, it’s hot in here!

DEVIL: Yeah, but it’s a dry heat.

CLERK: Have you visited Notary Hell before?

NOTARY: The time when my client wouldn’t turn down his TV came pretty close.

CLERK: Birth and death date

NOTARY: What’s the point, I’m dead aren’t I?

CLERK: Well, we like to keep track of these things. We like to keep accurate journal entries, just like good notaries are supposed to do — hint, hint.

NOTARY: Journal Schmournal. So, I kept a journal. People signed it. Big deal.

CLERK: We take these things very seriously in the brighter world. If it had been a lesser infraction, we would have sent you to Notary Heck.

NOTARY: Okay, okay, okay. I got it.

CLERK: If every notary were as negligent as you, the entire profession would be compromised. Ha! More business for me!

NOTARY: Okay, so what now?

CLERK: Now, we take you to your accommodations. Follow the demon dressed in red, and take a left at the pitchfork in the road.

NOTARY: Got it.

DEMON: Welcome to Notary Hell.

(walking to the notary’s accommodations)

NOTARY: Oh, look to the left. I didn’t know Saddam Hussein was a Notary.

DEMON: Little mix-up. We sent him to the wrong hell.

NOTARY: Oh look at those cauldrons, notaries are being boiled in oil.

DEMON: The one good thing about having Saddam around is that we never run out of oil.

NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, is there wifi here?

DEMON: No, but we have cable. We have the Kardashian channel playing 24/7.

NOTARY: Is this my cell?

DEMON: Here’s your palatial estate.

NOTARY: And you call this notary hell?

DEMON: Yeah, but now all your dead relatives know you have a palatial estate and they’ll be visiting you in one hour. And by the way, the thermostat is on the mantle. You can turn it down to 130 during daylight hours — if you like.

NOTARY: That’s quite thoughtful of you.

DEMON: Shhhh. don’t let that get out!

.

You might also like:

Notary comedy articles about heaven & hell
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16640

Witnessing intake forms for Notary Heaven
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8832

Commission Impossible
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16067

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Notary Cheers: Sammy gets a name change form notarized

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Popular Overall,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:28 am

CUSTOMER: “Bartender, I’ll have a Sam Adams Boston Lager, and a Certified John Hancock Pale Ale for my friend.”

SAM: “Ah, your friend must be a Notary.”

CLIFF: “Uh, y’know, Sammy, it’s a little known fact that he first got the name, John Hancock, after his notary public told him, ‘Put your John Hancock on that declaration!”

(song) “Sometimes you wanna go where everybody signs your name. And they’re always… kind of… glad you came… (as long as you show up on time and dress professionally.) You wanna be where you can see our documents are all the same. You wanna be where everyone signs your name.”

DIANE: “Sam, can you switch my shift tonight with Carla? The ballet is in town and Frasier and I are dying to attend their performance of Swan Lake.”

CARLA: “Too bad he can’t die before he gets there. Sammy, why do I always have to switch shifts with bleachbag? You know, I’ve got a life too!”

CLIFF: “Yeah, popping out papooses.”

CARLA: (getting into Cliff’s face) “You’ve got a life now, you wanna keep having one?”

SAM: (delivering the John Hancock) “Hey, listen man, you guys can witness name changes, right?”

NOTARY: “Well, you need a specific form for that from the County Clerk. Then, you sign it and get it notarized. But, I can only notarize it with you signing the old way, because that’s the way it will read on your driver’s license.”

CARLA: “Assuming he doesn’t have a DUI, and that his driver’s license hasn’t been revoked.”

NORM: “I heard that even if a driver’s license is revoked, if it’s still current, you can use it as a legal identification. Am I right on this one?”

NOTARY: “Hmm, actually, I had a case like that a year ago. I had to look it up in my Notary primer. It turned out that although the signer couldn’t use the ID to drive, he could still use it to be notarized.”

CLIFF: “Who’s changing their name, Sammy?”

SAM: “I am, when I take Veronica to the hotel on the Cape.”

NORM: “John Doe?”

SAM: “You’re looking at him.”

NORM & CLIFF: “Oooohh”

WOODY: “Is Veronica that married girl you’ve been telling us about, Sam?”

SAM: “Yeah, and if her husband ever finds out, my new name will be mud.”

DIANE: “Why you would disrupt the harmony of a marital relationship to satisfy your juvenile urges is a mark of immaturity for the likes of even you Sam.”

SAM: “Hey, first of all, her marriage is on the rocks.”

DIANE: “So, you are getting your rocks off.”

SAM: “Not exactly. But, John Doe will be, as soon as these papers get signed.”

WOODY: “Boy, Sam’s really something to watch… I mean… the future John is really something to watch.”

NORM: “But, I thought you didn’t have the paperwork yet.”

SAM: “It’s as good as in my hand. We’re only walking distance from the Suffolk County Clerk in downtown Boston.”

NOTARY: “Counting your chickens before they’ve hatched.”

NORM: “Trust me, Sammy’s chickens always hatch. Isn’t that right, Sam?”

SAM: “That’s right!”

WOODY: “Back on the farm in Indiana, our chickens always hatched. Or maybe it was the eggs that always hatched. I always get that mixed up.”

CLIFF: “But, the eggs come first, if you’re talking daylight savings time. And, above the equator.”

CARLA: “… when I throw’em at your car.”

DIANE: “Carla, if you switch shifts with me, I’ll be your best friend!”

CARLA: “You call that an incentive?”

DIANE: “I swear I’ll stay out of your hair for an entire month.”

CLIFF: “I was gonna make a crack about Carla’s hair, but, I’d rather live.”

CARLA: “All right. I’ll switch shifts with you. But, if you’re swearing you’ll stay out of my hair, I’m gonna need a notarized sworn Oath. Hurry before he leaves!”

NOTARY: “Can do.”

DIANE: “Fine, if you can’t find it in your… in what some people might refer to as a ‘heart’… to trust my word, I’ll assign my words to the proper forms as suggested by the lovely gentleman who ordered the John Hancock.”

NORM: “If you can find a form long enough.”

SAM: “Can we get a twofer here? Her Oath, my Name Change?”

NOTARY: “Sure, why not. Call me when your documents are all ready.”

DIANE: (raising her right hand) “I have one last question.”

NOTARY: “Should I raise my right hand too, while you ask that particular question? Sorry, Notary humor.”

DIANE: “Oh, I was just trying to get your attention. Can you come around 8 pm tomorrow? I’ll have the Oath written by then. I need this done at night because I’ll be working nights this week.”

CARLA: “Yeah, unless you switch shifts again!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

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California Acknowledgment and Jurat Information

Filed under: California_Notary — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — admin @ 1:55 am

To see current 2011 & 2012 California Acknowledgment wording  information and California Jurat verbiage  information, just visit:
http://www.123notary.com/California/acknowledgment_jurat.asp

California Acknowledgments & California Jurats

Notary laws are often based on antiquated social customs and laws.  Many notary laws in Louisiana are based on the old Spanish and French laws which make it extremely different from the rest of the United States.  Louisiana is sort of a foreign country controlled by our government.  The language is English, but the laws are not.  California notary law used to have some old rules too for identifying a signer. 
 
In olden times, people lived in smaller communities, traveled less, and had less access to the outside world.  In those days you knew your neighbors and knew them well.  California notary laws and laws in many states allowed a notary to use personal knowledge of an individual as a way to identify them for a notarization.  But, in 2011 with people flying all around, and nobody really knowing anyone, you can not really use personal knowledge as an identifying technique anymore.  People don’t even know their wives and children that well these days! After 9/11, the laws changed in many states.  It took a few years for the state governments to react, but standards for identification were raised.  You can still identify signers using credible witnesses which I feel is false identification. The credible witnesses don’t really usually know the signer that well, and have to be reminded of the signer’s name in many cases.  The most common form of identification is a driver’s license, state ID card, or password. 
 
In any case, California notary laws for identifying a signer for an acknowledged signature are tougher now that personal knowledge is not allowed.  But, signers also need to be identified for Jurats which never used to be the case.  In the last few years, the California notary wording or California notary Verbiage for Acknowledgment and Jurat forms has changed a little bit as well.
 
Oaths and Affirmations in California have now become a merged act.  You just choose whether you want it to be an affirmation or oath in the paperwork. 
 
 
You might also like: 

Notary Public 101 – basic notary acts including Acknowledgments
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19500

Notary Acknowledgment Information
 
Can a California notary be a witness?

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January 21, 2011

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 11:30 am

MY BIG PHAT GEEK WEDDING

For those who don’t know that “phat” is a funky way of saying “excellent,” now you do. Phat! (Next time your girlfriend asks, “Do I look phat in this?” tell her yes!) And geeks are excellent too. We’re all computer geeks now. Those of us who aren’t need a computer geek. This is the short story of the marriage of two very specific subsets of geeks – Notary geeks.

Notary geeks live and breathe all things notaries. And when two such geeks find each other, it could be time to relay each other’s seals of approval, whose terms expire when death do they part. Plus they’ll never cheat on each other, because rather than swear at meddling relatives, these two swear to take an oath. When your promise to be faithful is under oath, it makes for a lot less cheating later on. In “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” breaking plates created pandemonium. In “My Big Phat Geek Wedding,” it’s breaking oaths.

Rather than look forward to the “deed” come the honeymoon night, our geeks look forward to overseeing a document by which a relative transfers property… the “deed.” Rather than using Windex on every ill from psoriasis to poison ivy, our geeks consider such a thing “malfeasance.”

Finally, unlike “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” our geeks aren’t planning a lame sequel, “My Big Phat Geek Wedding 2.” Unless you call an “attested copy,” a copy of an original document, lame. Or a sequel.

Phat chance!

Short of a sequel, our story took a dramatic turn when, at the Big Fat Greek wedding when Sheldon and Raj from “Big Bang Theory” showed up…

Sheldon: “We’re here!”

Raj: “What’s with all the souvlaki?”

Sheldon: “I thought this was a geek wedding, not a Greek wedding.”

Raj: “I guess we misread the invitation.”

You might also like:

Can a Notary perform a wedding?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1891

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15132

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Big Bang Theory: Notarizing a discovery about string theory

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 11:06 am

RAJ: We have to get our latest discovery notarized.

SHELDON: How can you notarize a discovery?

LEONARD: Well, perhaps we should patent it at least. To be on the safe side.

RAJ: Yeah, there are people out there who steal inventions all the time.

SHELDON: Our’s hasn’t even been thoroughly tested. And it is so complicated that even we don’t understand it. So, how is a patent thief supposed to understand it?

RAJ: I was so paranoid I didn’t think that part over. But, our “lost electron syndrome” discovery is so critical, maybe to be safe.

PENNY: Oh, I’m sure your electron will show up somewhere. They always do.

SHELDON: Penny, I don’t know if you realize how important our discovery is. We’ve been reading for decades about how Newtonian Physics has been questioned, and how matter can really be created and destroyed. However, very few physicists have actually seen actual matter disappear, especially under the circumstances that we did. We added emotion to our physics experiment. We played happy music and started dancing around the room all joyfully. And an electron disappeared. I counted them — I know.

PENNY: You counted electrons? I should try that!

RAJ: Yeah, I think she should. It’s a good idea. I do that sometimes when I’m bored, or want to practice my powers of observation. I’m calling the Notary… (ring ring)

NOTARY: Arnie’s Notary, Arnie speaking, may I help you?

RAJ: Hello Arnie. You see, we have this discovery we need notarized. How do we exactly get this done?

NOTARY: You need a statement and an ID. The statement is up to you. It must be written up, and include the name of the signer in it if you require an Acknowledged signature. Or you can do a sworn Oath with a Jurat statement. It’s up to you.

RAJ: Either way. I’ll type one up now.

(10 minutes later)

RAJ: Hello Mr. Arnie. Yes, I typed up the document about the discovery. I would like us all to sign it, so I included all of our three names in the text of the document and also in the signature area. And, yes, we all have ID’s, although we seem to be missing an electron.

NOTARY: Oh, no wonder. The funniest thing happened to me yesterday. After a busy day of notarizing, I was watching TV, and you’d never believe what happened?

RAJ: So tell me?

NOTARY: An electron just showed up out of nowhere.

RAJ: Nowhere? An electron. Hold on. Let me get Sheldon. He says he was watching TV and an electron appeared out of nowhere.

SHELDON: Well, do you think it was our electron?

RAJ: How can you tell one electron from another?

NOTARY: Well, I asked the electron for identication just like I do with everyone else. But, it just whizzed around. To me they all look the same.

LEON: Fascinating. That might be our electron.

RAJ: Maybe we should put up a flyer in the halls saying, “Lost electron. Reward if found.”

NOTARY: Before you do that, I’ll be down at your lab to notarize your statement. $30 travel fee and $10 per signature. Cash only! Pay the travel fee up front just in case your ID’s are missing just like your marble.. I mean your electrons.

SHELDON: Oh, one more thing. We’ll have to put you in a bio-hazard suit before entering the lab.

NOTARY: My fee schedule specifically mentions that I charge $5 extra for each time I put on a bio-hazard outfit, but removal is at no cost as a courtesy to the client.

SHELDON: Deal.

PENNY: Oh, this is so exciting. Can I put on a bio-hazard suit too?

LEON: I don’t think they come in matching colors.

PENNY: Then never mind.

.

You might also like:

Big Bang Theory: Feeling in control Notarizing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15150

The Middle: Sue calls a Notary about an Occupancy Affidavit
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=the-middle

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Notary Pick Up Lines Part 2

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 10:40 am

This one was written by a guest blogger.
It is rated (R), so if you are tight on morality, please skip on to the next one!

You get my stamp of approval that’ll never expire.

Lien on me, baby.

After impressing my notary seal to this document, I’d rather impress you.

How ‘bout affix-up? (or… How ‘bout an affix-up?)

Let’s talk dirty and swear under oath.

What do you say we change the venue to my place?

If you look at another notary’s writs, I’ll get subpoenas-envy.

Is that an embosser in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? (off the old come-on first made famous by Mae West that’s lived ever since, “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”)

After acknowledging you signed a document, feel like acknowledging my existence?

While you certify that date, how ‘bout certifying our date?

I affirm under penalty of law you’re hot.

Why bear witness to documents when we can bear each other’s souls?

It’s a crime if you don’t go out with me, punishable by the death of my social life.

Forget power of attorney. Right now I’m thinking about the power of that blouse (you’re wearing).

Come witness our initials in that tree.

There’s no statute of limitation to how much I want you (right now).

Hi. If I’m bothering you, it’s just a duress rehearsal.

(some slightly edgier ones…)

After you sign the deed, how ‘bout we do that other deed? (the proverbial “dirty deed” as in screw.)

This is just my notary public façade. Wait till you see my privates.

I’m state-approved. Care for a drink? I’m also state of intoxication-approved.

Are you as loose as that certificate? (re: “loose certificate”)

My seal isn’t the only thing that’s raised right now.

.

You might also like:

But, I’m still a virgin!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14915

Notary Pick Up Lines Part 1
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9851

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