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February 24, 2014

A social media site for Notaries — Affiant

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Popular Overall,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — admin @ 9:51 am

For centuries, notaries have been complaining that they were bored, and had trouble meeting friends. They frequently said that they had no friends because there was nowhere to meet people. Then, during the 60’s, there were the be ins, and the love ins and the sign ins. During that decade, the notary public community didn’t complain as much because they were too high to know the difference. But, then in the 10’s (I’m the first person to call this decade the 10’s), notaries once again felt very lonely. If only there were a solution. If only there were a social media site for notaries. Of course the real reason notaries are lonely is because they complain all the time and nobody wants to hang around with them as a result. The second reason nobody hangs around with notaries, is that most notaries don’t answer their phone (at least when we call). But, one guy came up with the solution!

Affiant — a social media site for notaries

Meet new friends on Affiant. Affiant is so good, you will SWEAR BY IT. Members on this site are called Affiants. You can not be a member unless you love the site so much that you swear by it. After all, one who is sworn in to do an Oath, be definition is an Affiant!

Notaries around the country, and even in foreign countries flocked to this new and fascinating site. There were forums, events, lectures, guest speakers and more that all coordinated on Affiant.

How do you become a member of Affiant? The sign-up procedure is easy. You need to be sworn in with a notarized Oath. The Oath verbiage reads:

“I solemnly swear that I swear by Affiant. I think Affiant is so wonderful and great, that it is the best thing that ever happened to the notary — besides 123notary — and nobody paid me to mention the 123notary part either!”

Join Affiant today!

You might also like:

7 ways to use Facebook to market your notary services.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=5396

Best Notary virtual comedy compilation updated to 2018.
Includes Apps for the new iPhone 7
Honey, you can kiss my app
Disney Notary World, and a lot more
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

How Notary work is similar to online dating
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15763

Yes, it’s the Notary dating show
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

Tweets:
(1) For centuries, notaries have been complaining that they are bored & have trouble meeting friends.
(2) During the 60’s there were the be ins, love ins and sign ins (for hippy notaries)
(3) Notaries complain they’re bored & have trouble making friends
Now there’s “Affiant,” a social media site 4notaries!
(4) Meet new friends on Affiant – a social media site for notaries. Affiant is so good, you’ll SWEAR BY IT.

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January 30, 2011

Taqueria El Notario — a Notary Taco Joint

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 3:13 am

We wrote some other fun blog articles about The Notary Hotel, Notary Fast Food, Notary haute cuisine, and others. But, this one is about a notarial taco place. Hope you like it. Just don’t over do it with the hot sauce. It is very potent here.

Dot your eyes, and cross your tortillas!
Welcome to Notary Taco, or as we call it Taqueria El Notario. Please make sure you have errors and “emissions” insurance if you eat the three bean burrito for the sake of our other patrons. Since we had a few Notary wannabe gangsta’s, instead of a drive through window, we have a drive by window. The window is extra low in case you are driving a low rider. I guess I’m a few decades behind the times, but in Los Angeles, we still have a few of those around.

Before you read our menu, please read the following disclosure:

Notice of Right to Carnitas
As a customer of Taqueria El Notario, you have the right to eat carnitas at any time during business hours. There is no limit to how many carnitas tacos you may consume. Please sign and date to indicate that you have read this document and are aware of your right to carnitas… and pastor!

Here are a few of our choice items:

Habanero Rescission Sauce
If you still alive 3 days after consuming this, you have the right to rescind.

Personally Known Pico de Gallo
Eat this regularly with our home-made chips, and you will feel like you know us.

Pollo of Attorney
I know it sounds a bit loco, but our pollo is so good, we got it patented by an Attorney, hence the name!

Backdated Burrito
The freshness of the ingredients is up to date, it is just that we put yesterday’s date on the burrito.

Salsa Verde Venue
State of California; County of Los Angeles! — The salsa is green at this venue

Avocado Affidavit
This chunky guacamole is so good you’ll swear by it!

Tequilla Lime Testimonium Ice Cream
Just be-clause…

Revoked Refried Beans
Eat these and your commission will be suspended, revoked or terminated — if you have gas.

Notary Commission Carnitas
One of our customers has been eating this dish his entire notary commission — hence the name.

Lengua Tacos
Enjoy one of these before you take an Oath.

Quit Claim Quesadillas
One customer liked these so much she sold her house to be able to afford them every day!

Many notaries come here daily. We hope you like our sauces, dishes and desserts. We hope you liked it, and we hope you come again.

You might also like:

Welcome to The Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

A date with a notary at “Le Jurat”
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4473

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January 29, 2011

Notary Oscars

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 10:30 pm

Notary Oscars

Welcome to this year’s Notary Oscars. For best picture…

“Trumbo” – About the black list – where notaries get blacklisted after doing something wrong… like making a profit which the signing companies don’t want them to do, putting them in the black. Not to be confused with the actors at this year’s Oscars – the white list.

“The Big Short” – about getting shorted out of your pay.

“Bridge of Spies” – about signing companies who spy on notaries who say bad things about them on forums.

“Spotlight” – Uncovering the discovery about having non-consensual notarizations with underage signers.

“The Hateful Eight” – About the current Supreme Court complaining about the Notary who doesn’t know how to give an oath to the yet to be appointed new guy.

“Steve Jobs” – About Apple’s refusal to let the government crack the cell phone information of the notary who was about to notarize a terrorist.

“Joy” – About what a notary feels when actually getting paid on time.

“Room” – About what you don’t have if your last name is too long to fit on the signature page.

“The Danish Girl” – About the first male notary who became a female notary, formerly “Robin Schneider” on his commission stamp, now changed to “Robin Schneider”.

“Inside Out” – About a notary who knows his notary law inside out, and to stay consistent, notarizes a document that’s inside out while wearing his shirt inside out.

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Wheel of Fortune — Notary Edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15314

Notaries Without Makeup
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A Notary Public Cures Lying
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6872

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January 27, 2011

Notary Indian Tandoori Restaurant

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 9:56 pm

Welcome to the Notary Indian Restaurant where you have the right to cancel your curry within three minutes of receiving it if it is not spicy enough. The multi-state masala is another favorite of our customers. Try it with goat, lamb, chicken or any other animal that goes baah… baah… But, not beef as that is against our religion! Below are some favorite dishes.

Affidavit of Naan-Compliance — (available with garlic or onion naan as well.)
Subscribing Samosas
Prepayment Pakoras
Piggy Back Pilaf — (not made with real pig as that is against our religion too!)
Mortgage Makhani
Square Naans with imprints of cast iron Notary seals (cooked in a tandoori clay oven)
Kommission Kabobs (enjoy them until the end of your commission.)
Duress Dosas — (this is South Indian food that is normally force fed to guests, hence the name)
Initialed Idlis — (made in the shape of letters, hence the name)
Unsubscribing Witness Uthapam — (South Indian too, pure vegetarian. If you don’t like them, just unsubscribe)

You can also adjust the spice level. But, since there are so many different standards for spicing, there has been some controversy. The Notary Indian Restaurant was found guilty of cultural profiling. A Southerner went in an ordered food medium, but found it was only mild because the waiter thought he couldn’t handle it. Then an Indian guy went in and ordered a dish medium and got it so spicy hot he couldn’t finish it without ten glasses of water and two yogurt drinks. Finally, the department of spice and safety had to come over and set some standards. Now there are different scales of spiciness, and all on a scale of one to ten. There is:

On a scale of 1-10:
American South — the most mild standards in the industry.
California — this standard is milder than Punjab by two notches, but more adventurous than the South.
Punjab — (Punjab is in the middle of spiciness standards unlike Pune which makes everything far too spicy.)
Mexico — just as long as they don’t use habanero, Mexico is quite handleable.
Thailand — this standard is hot, but still not as bad as Pune.
Pune — Pune is in West India near Mumbai. 1 is medium, 2 is deadly, 3 is ulcer, and 4-10 are ulcer times three!!!

WAITER: And yes, how hot would you like your food?

CUSTOMER: Medium +

WAITER: Is that medium plus based on Alabama Standards, California, Punjab, Mexico, Thailand or Pune, not that you’ve ever been to Pune.

CUSTOMER: I have been to Pune and have the ulcers to prove it. Just ask for my medical report. I think that Punjab in North India should be the world standards for spiciness since they are right in the middle of the six official standards!

WAITER: Agreed. So Punjabi level 6 spicing, will that be okay?

CUSTOMER: Yes, but you will have to fill out the affidavit of spiciness.

WAITER: We already have one filled out sir. Here it is.

CUSTOMER: Yeah, but did you have it Notarized?

WAITER: But, of course

CUSTOMER: By 123notary?

WAITER: Well no…

CUSTOMER: Then, I can’t eat that curry. We’ll see ya’ll later!

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Notary Italian Restaurant
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The Notary Dating Show
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Notary Sushi Bar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15093

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Vietnam War Notaries. A POA for a POW.

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 12:52 am

Back in the 60’s, soldiers were not the only ones sent to Vietnam. Notaries were as well.

One such Notary was talking to another Notary in the plane and asked, “If I like the Beatles, does that make me a Lennonist, a McCartneyist, or an anti-McCarthyist?” The other Notary said, “It makes you a music lover, and probably left-wing. I think we’re fighting on the wrong side.” Speaking of music, on the plane, they had some Cuban-Vietnamese music played with a Viet-Conga drum to keep the rhythm. Then, another Notary commented that Ho-Chi-Minh was not a hoochi mamma, but a ho-chi baba. The discussion moved from dumb jokes to a more serious matter. Names. Some of the humor on the plane came from a book written by the famous Chinese comedian “Foo-Ling” and his wife the nutritionist “Rose Hip.”

So many people in Vietnam have the same names. Half the country is named Nguyen, Tranh, or Duc. How can you tell people apart based purely on the names?

Meanwhile on the front, Vietnamese smugglers were engaged in human trafficking of refugees into Cambodia. Van Winh Vu smuggled regugees in a van (more than just a name) but was caught by an American soldier named Carl Van Schessler. I guess it’s one van for another, or more of a van pool. Then Truc Le Tranh smuggled regfugees in a truck while Tranh had ammunition transported in a compartment of a Train.

Notaries were very fearful of going to their Notary appointments because of all the booby traps. Between road side bombs, pungi sticks hidden under banana leaves and mines. It was like playing dodge ball every step of the way.

THE APPOINTMENT
Harry the Notary was on his way through some rice paddies to Notarize a transaction for a few very large bags of rice which was the local currency. He prayed to God he did not bump into the Viet Cang on his way, or American planes dropping any napalm.

Harry got to his appointment only to find that Tranh Duc Ho was selling twenty 50 pound bags of rice to Tranh Duc Ho. The Notary asked, “Is this some type of a joke?” Tranh #1 said, “No, we just have the same name. That is common around here. See, look at our ID’s. They say the same name. We look similar too.” The Notary said, “Oh, God. Doing Notaries around here is like walking through a mine field.” The Notary decided to thumbprint everyone to keep them honest and make notes about who had a tattoo where or a scar where just to keep the record straight. After the notarization was over, the American military came and confiscated all of the rice since the Vietcong was in the area. Why is life so unfair. Are we the good guys, the bad guys, or what?

Then the Notary went back to the base and talked to another Notary named Sam. Sam had been near where they were dropping Notary Palm. It’s kind of like napalm but has black ink that burns at 2000 degrees. Then, the new weapon for Notaries was filling a pungi stick with Notary ink and shooting ink out of the stick. After this scary conversation they met yet another American who escaped from a POW camp.

A POA FOR A POW

JOHNNY: “I need a POA for a POW.”

HARRY: “I can do that. Do you mean a former POW?”

JOHNNY: “No, it’s for a friend. He wants to have his car managed by his wife back home.”

HARRY: “What happened to your fingers?”

JOHNNY: “They got messed up when I was in The Trang.”

HARRY: “Oh, what did they do to you there?

JOHNNY: “They made me give details of troop locations by sticking bamboo slits under my fingernails.”

HARRY: “Ouch. If you don’t talk do they move you to the basement of the Trang?”

JOHNNY: “The what? No, I didn’t say, “The Trang, I said De Trang. It’s a city in Nam.”

HARRY: “Oh, shows what I know. The Trang sounds like the name of a jungle vietcong prison camp to me, or just a remote jungle.”

JOHNNY: “I don’t know if I can get those guys out while I visit, but at least a notarized POA will do. After it’s notarized, we can see about an escape route. They might have moved location, so we will have to track them and the Notary will have to come along. It’s twenty days on foot. So we will need to bring plenty of food, water, and disinfectant. Are you any good at setting up booby traps?

HARRY: “I know a guy who flies a helecopter shaped like a Notary Seal who taught me a thing or too. I know how to make a mine that looks like a Notary Seal. If you press on the top, then ink flies everywhere. It’s sort of like a science experiment.”

JOHNNY: “Well this trip is not an experiment. One wrong move and you’re dead or lose a leg which in the parts we’re going to is a slow death.”

HARRY: “Well I’m not going to die because I’m special.”

JOHNNY: “For the last two years I’ve been putting pieces of special people in body bags. Everybody’s mother thinks their special.”

HARRY: “You’re the bravest soldier I’ve ever met!”

JOHNNY: “Thanks, I’ll remember that compliment when I’m putting pieces of you in a body bag.”

HARRY: So, how do you think the war is going?”

JOHNNY: “The Vietcong is upset because they have run out of new and creative ways to rip someone’s rib cage out of their body and have failed to find a perfect way to create a booby trap that rips someone in two exact pieces. They tried ripping people’s eyes out of their sockets but were lousy at that. But, they are good at booby traps which is how I lost half of my men. Meanwhile half of our guys capitalize on how weed and heroin are pennies on the dollar over here and in very pure form. That slows their reaction time in battle which is why our kill ratio isn’t what it should be. Meanwhile the Southern Vietnamese army is upset because the price of pedacures has doubled. ”

HARRY: “What are they, a bunch of girls?”

JOHNNY: “Half of them act like girls while in the Vietcong, half of them are girls who could rip your arm out of its socket. One girl called the Apache castrated one of our guys while he was still alive. We hunted her down for three days and assassinated her with a long range rifle. Normally they ambush us, but we turned the tables due to extenuating circumstances.”

HARRY: “What happened to the guy?”

JOHNNY: “He died of blood loss within minutes. Isn’t he lucky?”

HARRY: “Well, let Saigons be Saigons. Okay, let’s visit The Trang and do a POA for a POW.”

JOHNNY: “We leave at 0400 hours. Get some z’s while you can. And we’re going to the jungle near Da Nang, not De Trang.”

HARRY: “Oh, they have a Trang there too?”

JOHNNY: “Never mind.”
.

You might also like:

Notarization in the Trang – a Vietnam War Story.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19652

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Notary Space Station; In Space, Nobody Can Hear You Sign!

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Some Notaries were sent into space for an experiment. They were there to see what the realities are of notarizing in space. Sam tossed his Notary seal in the air, and it floated to the other side of the shuttle. Samantha wanted him to get that Notary seal “down”, but which way was down? Eventually Sam recovered his instrument of destruction, but Samantha wasn’t amused. They were waiting for a replacement part for a high tech to be sent from Earth along with some other goodies. A TEA agent was to be sent in the ship to assure that delivery was successful.

Sam, Samantha and the others were practicing using all types of futuristic Notary seals. Of course to them it was not futuristic as they were living in 2040. Sam was happy that he could live a year in 365 days 23 hours and 57 minutes because they were traveling faster than the speed of the Earth up there do the warp in the time-space continuum. Not only was space warped, but Sam’s choice of humor was also a bit warped.

The most evolved machine could move itself over an ID, scan it for genuineness, inspect journal signatures, and then seal the document with hi-tech ink. But, they needed a replacement part that was coming tomorrow.

Then, the shuttle came. It approached the space station, it slowly adjusted itself. It docked successfully. They opened the connecting hatch happily in hopes of seeing Jim the TEA agent. But, Jim’s body was laying there in pieces with blood all over it. And creatures from the movie Alien were there — three of them. Mom, Dad, and a little one who was munching on Jim’s flesh. Then, there was a loud scream.

Samantha tapped Sam on the shoulder and said, “You were just having a bad dream. Was it a dream about a Notarization?”
Then Sam said, “No, it was a dream about the creature from Alien getting off that shuttle and killing us all.
Samantha said, “Well you know what they say — in space, no one can hear you sign! — or scream…”

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Notary Airport
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Signing with a former airline captain
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=12870

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January 25, 2011

A scene from the Minion Loan Signing

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 12:39 pm

The Stevens needed to have their loan signed. However, a small mishap occured right before the signing. The Notary’s car was attacked by 200 minions who stole the Notary’s seal, journal and appointment schedule. A few minutes later, a few minions showed up at the loan signing for the Stevens.

(knock knock)

MRS STEVENS: Uh, hello? Can I help you?

BOB: Hello, hello

KEVIN: Hello (meanwhile Stuart is going in through the window)

MRS STEVENS: I see you have a Notary Seal. Are you the Notary?

BOB: I’m Notary Bob. he he, he he, he he. Notary! (jumps on the table with notary bag) Notarize documents!

KEVIN: I help Bob. Assist he-he he-he he-he (jumps on table and slides all the way to the end at lightening speed)

MRS STEVENS: Are you sure you are a Notary?

BOB: Bob Notary has commission (whispers into Kevin’s ear… “quick get me a commission!”)

KEVIN: One moment — one moment… ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. Be right back. (jumps out window and scribbles something on a paper on the lawn and then embosses it with gold seal)

BOB: See — Bob Notary real Notary. Real Notary ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.

MRS STEVENS: I’m not so sure about this.

BOB: You sign the document. This page, this page… right here,

MRS STEVENS: I don’t want to sign

KEVIN: Ohhhh…..

MR STEVENS: But, I’ll sign

KEVIN: yay!!!!! ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. Sign right there…. Bob Notary Notarize you!

MR STEVENS: Okay, I’ll sign this one and this one and this one.

BOB: Okay…. Now, I notarize! Here’s my stamp. Hmmmm…. out of ink. Uh-oh!

KEVIN: Uh-oh

STUART: Oh-oh… no problem, I brought ink!

BOB: I add ink! Oopss… (spills ink all over the documents) uh-oh

KEVIN: Uh-oh

STUART: Uh-oh…. borrower copies! (whips out borrower copies and Mr. Stevens signs them again.)

BOB: Okay… I stamp here…. stamped. done… notaized! notarized! notarized!

KEVIN: I put them in Fedex! … All done!

MINIONS: Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye… (they all jump out window. Then, they jump in the car and drop it in the Fedex box.)

KEVIN: But, what if Fedex driver doesn’t come?

BOB: uh-oh! —- ahhhh… Bob Notary has idea! Move Fedex box to Fedex station!

MINIONS: Yay!!! good idea… good idea….

So, about 200 minions come out of nowhere, rip the fedex box out of the cement and deliver it to the Fedex station and drop it in front of the staff member.

BOB: Bob Notary want receipt.

FEDEX GUY: I’m calling the police

BOB: We control the police as part of our world domination! King Bob rules!

FEDEX GUY: Okay, never mind.

MINIONS: Okay, okay okay… thank you! (then they slide back into the parking lot at lightening speed, and run away giggling!) ha ha, ha ha, ha ha….

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Notary Hyatt Regency

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 7:16 am

Have you heard of the Notary Hotel or Notary Motel? If you have been working for high paying title companies, you can now afford the Notary Hyatt, but the breakfast isn’t included unless you have a special arrangement.

CHECK IN

NOTARY: Hi, I’m here to check in. I have a reservation for tonight.

CLERK: Ah yes, Mr. Public We’ve been awaiting your arrival.

NOTARY: Do I sign your journal based on the date I made the reservation or the date I check in?

CLERK: The date you check in — of course. Sign right here. And I will need a thumbprint.

NOTARY: Well I’m all thumbs — and besides, I’m too nice to give you the finger. Is it one journal entry per person per room, or one entry per person regardless of how many rooms?

CLERK: Just one journal entry, unless it is a corporate sale.

NOTARY: Do I get one key or two? And how about a pool wristband?

CLERK: The wristband has your inmate number on it, but can no longer be used for notarization per the new civil code 4583.45.

NOTARY: Oh, that’s too bad, but I don’t see myself being notarized in the hot tub. This is the first time I’ve heard “notarized” and “hot” in the same sentence.

CLERK: We certify that it gets up to 125. Don’t scald yourself. But you can get notarized underwater in the pool using our new underwater eNotary technology.

NOTARY: Great. If they drown, I can notarize their Death Certificate. Is the underwater eNotary technology hands free? My mother told me never to use electric appliances in the bath tub.

CLERK: No you just use your finger like you would paying your bill at a restaurant on one of those eSignatures. You can even buy a wet noodle underwater using our system.

NOTARY: That’s great, because I want to visit your Chinese spot next door. Can I get a Chinese continental breakfast with Shao Bing You Tiao tomorrow?

CLERK: Sorry — wrong continent. But, I will give you a complimentary breakfast ticket. Use it from 6am to 10am downstairs — don’t lose this. And here is your room key. It looks like a notary seal, just affix it to the rectangular pad on your door to get in.

MAID SERVICE: You will love our soaps in your room. We have one soap that is made with squid ink — especially for Notaries. An ancient Chinese saying says it helps you notarize better.

NOTARY: Hmm, never knew Confucius ever needed a Notary.

MAID SERVICE: Oh all the time. During the analects, he had to see a Notary several times in fact. And one more thing. There is a password to get into your room. We do this to keep the fake Notaries out. The computer embedded in the door will ask you to give Oath verbiage just to make sure you are upholding the law as a Notary Public. If you fail to give an applicable Oath, you might have to come down for a tutoring session before you get to sample our soaps.

NOTARY: I heard the remote for the TV was shaped like a Notary seal.

MAID SERVICE: That it is. But it is not one of those PhD remotes. It is really simple. Here, let me emboss your breakfast card so you can get a free omelette.

NOTARY: Cool, I mean hot.

(meanwhile the notary goes to his room.)

NOTARY: Wow, this joint is plush city… I wonder what’s on television. Oh, the Notary Channel. Who would have thought. Oh, another Notary channel for adults — Lucy embosses the seven sailors. Very naughty. I wonder how I can see a movie. Oh, I need to be notarized to see a movie to make sure I did not hit the buy key by mistake. My remote does a print out, I sign it, and then maid service notarizes it? Hmm. Let me ring.

MAID SERVICE: Hola — lociento pero no Ingles senor.. Just kidding!!!! You rang? Need something notarized? I love this concept. I am notarizing a Notary. Isn’t that like marrying your sister?

NOTARY: Not exactly. Here is the printout. I am ordering the movie Nancy breaks down the acknowledgment process. Something nerdy to fall asleep to.

MAID SERVICE: Oh, that is a good film. Nancy gets arrested in part three because she does something illegal by mistake because she skimmed through the tutorial instead of mastering the materials.

NOTARY: Finally a notary so bad, even Nicholas Cage won’t star in it. I gotta see this. Okay, here is my ticket. Please notarize it.

MAID SERVICE: This is a form is the same as a credit card receipt. There is no room for my notary seal!!! Just kidding, we use a small one for these forms. We have a customized seal for it in fact that we use just for movies. It is cleared with the Secretary of State too.

NOTARY: Super. How much do I owe you?

MAID SERVICE: Just a review on Yelp please. That is worth more than gold — providing it is a good review.

NOTARY: Well I’m going to say how you ruined the movie by telling me what happens in part 3.

MAID SERVICE: But, I didn’t tell you how it ends… So there will still be mucho suspense!

NOTARY : Good point.

(At breakfast)

Wow, I just love these eight large bronze circular containers with lids. This is a high-class breakfast. Or should I say Hyatt class. Hmm, the breakfast skillet looks good with the sausage, potatoes, onions, and peppers, I’ve never seen this before except at Denny’s, well, the pictures in the menu at Denny’s. Oh, certified Costa Rican coffee. That looks good. I love this place. (20 minutes later) Time to go back upstairs.

(At door to room)

DOOR: Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, “I want to take a shower.”

NOTARY: I don’t understand the question.

DOOR: Entry denied.

NOTARY: Hey, I paid a lot to stay here!!!

DOOR: But, this hotel is for Notaries only. If you don’t know how to administer an Oath, you are not a real Notary. You are fraud. Fraud alert buz buzz buzz. Fraud alert.

NOTARY: Okay okay okay. Do you solemly Affirm that whatever… that I want to take a shower.”

DOOR: BUZZZ wrong!!! You are having ME swear that I want to take a shower, not that YOU want to take a shower. And in an Oath, you swear not affirm. Don’t they teach you anything in Notary school?

NOTARY: In my state we don’t have Notary school.

DOOR: You can say that again. Please go downstairs for your tutorial and we will need to re-zap your key.

NOTARY: Is that the correct verb, to zap my key for another 24 hours of entry?

DOOR: Some people say “re-key” or configure your key.

(meanwhile downstairs)

TEACHER: Hello student. Do you know the difference between an Oath and an Affirmation?

NOTARY: Ummm.. Aren’t they the same?

TEACHER: They can be used interchangeably, but if the customer requests one, you cannot give them the other, that would be choosing the notary act for them and these are distinctly different, yet interchangeable notary acts.

NOTARY: Umm, but what if the signer doesn’t want to talk about God?

TEACHER: You can recommend an Affirmation if they don’t like God — their maker. But you cannot choose for them.

NOTARY: What if they object to the absence of God?

TEACHER: Not in this century. This is the no God century. I’ll be surprised if the entire earth doesn’t fry. Hell, fire and brimstone!!! Just say to the door, “Do you solemnly swear that you want to take a shower?” Then, wait for the door to say yes. Then, you will have to figure out how to get the door in the shower, and how it will have privacy where there is no door in the doorway.

NOTARY: Hmmm, very good point. But, wouldn’t it be the computer in the door that wants a shower? Perhaps we could give it a waterproof shower using new technology. Unless the door is just testing me.

(back upstairs)

NOTARY: I’m ready. I’m putting my key in, or my notary seal against the stamp pad. Open sesame.

DOOR: I have signed this paper and want an Acknowledged signature. Would that be okay?

NOTARY: Well I don’t feel comfortable notarizing something that you already signed. Can you sign it again?

DOOR: How badly do you want your shower with the soap with squid ink in it — in minute quantities of course.

NOTARY: Okay I’ll do it. Will I end up in jail like Nancy?

DOOR: If you read (not skimmed) but read your handbook, you would know. Access granted.

NOTARY: What a relief. Just as a disclaimer, the real Hyatt does not do stuff like this. They just let you into your room with your key with no notary questions. This blog is about the Notary Hyatt — completely different place. But, you know something. I like this place so much, I’d like to stay here for the rest of my commission until my expiration date. I wonder if they can make me a key that works for that long. In any case, I have appointments today, so I have to check out. Let’s see how that procedure works.

FRONT DESK: Please destroy your notary seal key and bring it to the Secretary of State County Clerk office on the main floor.

NOTARY: Where is that?

FRONT DESK: The next desk over. You will need to take your Oath of non-office there too now that you are checking out. It’s like a Notary Oath of office in reverse.

NOTARY: Got it. I’m filled with energy from the waffles, so I think I can handle it. See you next time.

.

You might also like:

The sleezy Notary motel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16118

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

Notary Hotel 2 — The Sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

Discounts for early booking a Notary appointment? Hotels do this.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19072

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January 23, 2011

Notary Hell – “Yeah, but it’s a dry heat”

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 11:34 am

Welcome to Notary Hell

Notaries who have done bad deeds (or signed bad Deeds) in their personal or professional life are often committed to Notary Purgatory, or Notary Hell. Many Buddhist Notaries commented that there are seven heavens and seven hells, birth, death, and rebirth. In Notary Hell, the Power of the Devil, supersedes the Power of Attorney (even if it is Authenticated by the Secretary of State.)

In Notary Hell, misdeeds, negligence, and malfeasance are considered good things, although they prefer active acts of treachery.

Common Experiences
Notaries who are condemned to Notary Hell are subjected to all types of cruel, but not unusual tortures. Some notaries have all of their documents burned in the eternal fires of hell. Others have to do a daily signing for a “reader” who reads every letter of every page, and then claims not to be sure if they want to sign. These “readers” can take up to three hundred hours to complete a signing in 130 degree heat. The devils in Notary Hell are very despotic, they like to emboss the notaries around. One devil came around with a giant red hot steel embosser and embossed a notary’s hand. Other notaries are branded on their left shoulder with a red hot iron notary seal, so that it will be obvious which part of Notary Hell they are confined to.

One notary had a near death experience that he shared with us. His soul actually left his body. Unfortunately, because of all of the misdeeds he had committed (including backdating) that he went to hell. At first he was concerned that he was in hell. But, then after a few minutes he realized that he recognized half the people there since they were his Mortgage Broker clients.

Another notary commented that when he was in Notary Hell, everything he notarized was in invisible ink, so all of his work was virtually erased.

The Warning Signs
For those who are weak in terms of their conscious, a not so subtle warning sign is often sent to the notary from the higher world. The notary will be sent to Notary Hell for a few minutes in a dream, to scare the hell out of them. If the notary does not repent, the next time the notary commits a serious error or omission, the gates of Notary Hell will open up, and the Notary Devil himself will come for a personal visit to the notary’s official address based on their records with the Secretary of State.

Entry Procedures
All notaries are required to register with the Secretary of Hell, or as the locals call it, “The Demon Vee” within 30 days of arrival. You must have an identification document that was issued in the last ten years, but hasn’t been burned (or melted) yet. Notaries are required to take their Oath of Office. There is no prerequisite residency requirement for entry. Applicants must be 18 years or older and have committed a Felony or multiple acts of Mural Turpitude. There is no proctored exam necessary as an entry requirement for Notary Hell. References from scummy people are appreciated although not required.

There are many mansions in my father’s kingdom
But, you only get a cramped spot in the basement of the mansion next to the boiler room. Although Notary Hell is horribly unpleasant, due to funding cuts in the Secretary of Hell, most of the torturous punishments have been put on hold — at least for now.

DEVIL: Welcome to Notary Hell

NOTARY: But, all I did was backdate a few times

DEVIL: You don’t know how that affected other people’s lives, do you?

NOTARY: Are you preaching to me?

DEVIL: Well, I’m not exactly the most credible of witnesses, but let’s just say, that I’m aware of the severity of your mal-actions.

NOTARY: So, what now?

DEVIL: It’s time to get you registered. Right this way.

CLERK: ID Please?

NOTARY: Here it is. By the way, it’s hot in here!

DEVIL: Yeah, but it’s a dry heat.

CLERK: Have you visited Notary Hell before?

NOTARY: The time when my client wouldn’t turn down his TV came pretty close.

CLERK: Birth and death date

NOTARY: What’s the point, I’m dead aren’t I?

CLERK: Well, we like to keep track of these things. We like to keep accurate journal entries, just like good notaries are supposed to do — hint, hint.

NOTARY: Journal Schmournal. So, I kept a journal. People signed it. Big deal.

CLERK: We take these things very seriously in the brighter world. If it had been a lesser infraction, we would have sent you to Notary Heck.

NOTARY: Okay, okay, okay. I got it.

CLERK: If every notary were as negligent as you, the entire profession would be compromised. Ha! More business for me!

NOTARY: Okay, so what now?

CLERK: Now, we take you to your accommodations. Follow the demon dressed in red, and take a left at the pitchfork in the road.

NOTARY: Got it.

DEMON: Welcome to Notary Hell.

(walking to the notary’s accommodations)

NOTARY: Oh, look to the left. I didn’t know Saddam Hussein was a Notary.

DEMON: Little mix-up. We sent him to the wrong hell.

NOTARY: Oh look at those cauldrons, notaries are being boiled in oil.

DEMON: The one good thing about having Saddam around is that we never run out of oil.

NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, is there wifi here?

DEMON: No, but we have cable. We have the Kardashian channel playing 24/7.

NOTARY: Is this my cell?

DEMON: Here’s your palatial estate.

NOTARY: And you call this notary hell?

DEMON: Yeah, but now all your dead relatives know you have a palatial estate and they’ll be visiting you in one hour. And by the way, the thermostat is on the mantle. You can turn it down to 130 during daylight hours — if you like.

NOTARY: That’s quite thoughtful of you.

DEMON: Shhhh. don’t let that get out!

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You might also like:

Notary comedy articles about heaven & hell
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16640

Witnessing intake forms for Notary Heaven
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8832

Commission Impossible
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16067

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Notary Family Feud

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 12:38 am

I noticed that when I give my over the phone loan signing quizes, certain answers seem to be more popular than other answers. I have always found it very interesting that particular wrong answers that are blatantly wrong could be so popular. Maybe when I give loan signing quizes, I should test people on which answer was more popular. It might be good if the popular answers used were correct as well.

HOST: For $200, tell me some items you might find in a bathroom next to the sink?

CAROL: Oh, a brush, a hairbrush

SUE: A razor and a note!

FRED: Oooh, ooh, um…. toothpaste, yes… toothpaste.

HOST: Survey says…. toothpaste was the most popular answer with used Twinkie wrappers as #2. Next question….

HOST: For $400, tell me which document is the best document to look for the prepayment penalty?

CAROL: Oh… oh… The Deed of Trust

SUE: The HUD-1 Settlement Statement…. oh… on page 3.

FRED: I know this… oh… The Note, or the TIL

HOST: Survey says… the most popular answer was the Deed of Trust. Carol is the winner… or would be if that was correct in addition to being a popular answer, but that is wrong!

CAROL: What? But, I thought the Deed talked about every aspect of the transaction.

HOST: The actual agreement about the transaction is covered in The Note while the Deed functions as a Security Instrument.

FRED: So I win again?

HOST: Yes, you win. And you can cash in your $600 for a trip to the next NNA Convention, or get a free listing on 123notary.com with Elite Certification. Or a trip to Hawaii where you can enjoy a 5-star hotel, gourmet foods, and a complimentary neck tattoo!

FRED: Yes, can I get Jurat wording on the neck tattoo?

HOST: That is a state specific question for your Secretary of State’s Notary Division!

FRED: Maybe you should make that a question on the next Notary Family Fued… Survey Says…..

SUE: Since I have been a good sport, can I get a free gas card?

HOST: You’ll have to guess correctly on the next question.

SUE: Okay… I got it…

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Notary Oscars
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16540

Wheel of Fortune — Notary Edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15314

Yes, it’s the Notary dating show
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

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